Serendipity
Chapter 20: Setsumei (Explanation)
Hikari loved her job and woke up each morning excited to go to work, but even she had her days. She tried to hide her exhaustion and admitted disengagement as she dragged herself out of the school, trying her best to listen to Asanuma complain about how naughty her pupils had been that day.
"And then—hey, Yagami," she heard her colleague say, interrupting herself.
Hikari followed Asanuma's finger as it rose from the side of her body to the general area in front of them.
"Isn't that your charming boyfriend?" she finished.
Hikari saw red as she recognised Takeru standing in front of her school gate, her fatigue suddenly replaced with anger.
Asanuma nudged her by the side. "Why do you hide him? If I had someone like him, I'd show him off any chance I get. You should bring him around more often."
Hikari regretted having told so many people about their short-lived relationship, because now she was left with the burden of telling everyone that they were no longer together. She decided to save the revelation for later, unable to trust herself to keep it impartial, and instead excused herself before marching up to him.
Takeru caught sight of her midway and seemed to recoil. As she got closer, she saw how unkempt he looked and how dazed he seemed to be. His hair was dishevelled, and his youthful features looked weathered. He had dark circles that contrasted against his pale skin, his complexion dull and sallow.
"Did you come here because you knew I couldn't make a scene? Do you realise how inappropriate you're being?" she hissed first thing, though she tried her hardest to maintain a neutral expression. It was true; she wouldn't dare lose her composure in front of her colleagues or the schoolchildren.
"I know. I'm sorry," he said, looking at her pleadingly. Even his voice sounded rough. "I just couldn't get to you any other way, and I'm desperate."
"Has it ever occurred to you that I'm trying to send the message that I have no desire to see you?"
"I know. I'm sorry," he repeated. "I want to stop bothering you, but I…" She could practically feel the stress emanating from him. "Hikari, let me at least talk to you. I don't expect you to forgive me, but just give me the opportunity to explain."
She could feel her nostrils flaring as she attempted to control her heavy breathing. She fought with herself whether she wanted to hear him out or not. On one hand, it would change nothing. It would probably only make her hate him more for confirming details she didn't need to know.
On the other, she would be lying if she didn't say she was curious.
"You're wasting your time," she settled. "I'm not interested in trying to understand whatever justification you've crafted—much less at the thought of taking you back."
She saw his eyes pinken.
"I know you won't," he said. She could tell he was trying to control his emotions too. "I don't want you to. I just want to talk."
She wasn't willing to go to either of their homes, nor did she want to be stuck at a busy café on the very likely chance she would want to leave midway, so they settled with an empty playground.
He sat on a bench, making space for her at the other end, but she kept her distance and sat on a swing farther away from him. He didn't make any indication to start the conversation, and they sat in silence.
Usually comfortable with the absence of conversation, she found herself getting annoyed.
"I don't have anything to say to you, so if you aren't going to say anything to me, I'm going home."
The swing squeaked as she stood up.
"Hikari," he said as soon as she had. His voice was lower than usual, his eyes pointed at the floor. His words came out in clean, even syllables, as if he had practised them millions of times. "Thank you for giving me the chance to talk to you. I know it's too late and that nothing will change, but I at least want to come clean and be honest with you the way I should have been from the beginning."
"Who says I'm interested?" she asked, the words leaving her mouth before she could even think of cancelling them.
Takeru was still staring at the ground, his right thumb starting to pick at his left.
"I'd like to tell you anyway, if only for the selfish reason to get it off my chest."
"I'm sure there are other people you can speak to, Takeru."
He finally looked at her and stood up too, reached an arm out but not enough to touch her. His lips parted as if to speak, but no words came out. He looked at her as if she had just told him to kill himself. He appeared defeated, and while she again wished she were the kind of person who could gloat at his misery, she felt no such thing.
She sat back down, and as if understanding that she was allowing him to speak, he too resumed his position, staring at the ground once again.
"Her name is Catherine. We were together for five years."
Hikari felt her throat clench. Her hands must have too, because the metal rings of the swings clanked loudly, the noise ringing through the empty area. She moved her hands from the swing to her lap, clasping them together to stop them from shaking. She regretted where she had chosen to sit.
Five years was two years longer than the timeframe she had estimated. Five years was one year longer than her most serious relationship. Five years was half the time Takeru had been away.
She stole a glance at him and saw that his hands were also clasped together to stop them from shaking too.
"She's really great," he said robotically. "She was one of the first friends I made in France. It was difficult for me in the beginning. I could barely understand the language, and I didn't know the culture. She was the one who helped me most to adapt, but we were just friends for years. I didn't ask her out until…"
He paused, and with her only able to look at the top of his head, she couldn't tell what his expression was.
She saw his shoulders shudder.
"I'd known since we were children that you didn't like me," he rephrased, changing the direction of his words. "But even when that was so obvious to me, a part of me always thought that maybe you felt the same. Surely, I thought, it couldn't all have been one-sided. I was in such denial, even when I was halfway across the world, but that all came crashing down when I found out you had gotten yourself a boyfriend at uni."
He finally looked at her as if expecting her to say something, but she had no intention to contribute to the discussion. As if understanding, he continued.
"I don't know if you remember, but that's when we drifted apart. I did it on purpose. I didn't want to meet your boyfriend or to pretend that I was okay with it when in actuality it was eating away at me. I realised then that I had created some fairy tale in my head, because even though you didn't owe me anything, I felt really betrayed. I was so angry for such a long time, until I decided that I'd just get over you too. I also started to date, but none of them were serious. I was mostly just finding people to do things with or help me learn French. I couldn't feel anything past that, but you two were going strong for years. Every time I thought about it, it would make me so upset, not only at myself for not saying anything but at you for finding someone so easily.
"I know it's a terrible thing to say, but when I heard you two had broken up, I was happy. I thought I had been given another opportunity, so I broke up with the girl I'd been seeing and made plans to move back home. I went so far as to look into transferring credits back to Japan, but I still had a year of uni left and it was more difficult than I imagined. The plan had always been that I'd move back after university anyway, so I thought it'd be fine to wait until I graduated, and then my grandmother in Shimane passed away."
At the mention of death, she saw his stoicism falter.
"That was the first time I had visited Japan after leaving. I was so sad about her death, because I hadn't visited her even once in the years before I left for Paris. It wasn't even that I couldn't visit. I had just chosen not to. I wanted to reach out to you then, just to have someone to talk to, but once I was back, my brother told me you had started dating someone else. Not only that, but everyone thought you two were going to get married. I…"
He stopped again. She couldn't read him.
"I must be the worst grandson in the world, because after he told me that, I was more upset about you than the death."
She saw his fists clench against his lap again. She couldn't even bring it upon herself to react, unable to actually digest what he was saying to her, and she watched him in silence until he had recomposed himself.
"Even if I never met them, my brother told me about them. Your ex-boyfriends." He let out a low chuckle. "Everything about them seemed to be the opposite of me. That was the nail on the coffin, when I finally realised I was living in my own dream. It wasn't that we hadn't dated for any other reason, like timing or shyness or anything like that. We hadn't dated because you didn't like me. That was it."
He let out another hollow laugh, and while she at first thought he wanted her to say something, he spoke again.
"Once I got back to Paris from that trip, I told everyone that I'd stay. My entire family thought I was some sort of angel, that I was doing this all for my living grandmother, but in reality it was because I didn't want to go back to see you get married to some other guy. That's when I asked Catherine out. I'd known for a while that she was interested in me. I thought there was no point in chasing after someone who I knew didn't like me, when there was this person who did. At first, I needed a distraction, but after a while it became real."
She got another glimpse of his face. He looked miserable. She thought he'd cry, but he didn't. She felt an odd sensation, knowing that his sadness was actually directed towards someone else. He was probably recalling what he had once had with her.
"Catherine is an amazing woman. We got on really well. She ticked every box for me, except for the box that she wasn't you."
She saw his lips form into what appeared to be a sad smile, and later when she thought back to this conversation, she would note that he had skipped nearly every detail about his relationship with her, as if it had been something sacred. It would make her incredibly jealous—a reaction she hated in herself.
"I was really happy with her for years. I thought she was it, but then I heard you had broken up with your boyfriend. That was all it took for me to immediately start thinking of how I could go back to Tokyo again. She and I were already living together at that point. I don't remember what excuse I gave when I told her I wanted to move back home, but I remember she wanted to move with me. When I wouldn't let her, we fought a lot. I just wanted to break up, while Catherine wanted us to think of an alternative plan so we could stay together.
"It was sometime around then that my grandmother started to get ill. I didn't think it was serious. I thought she was just getting older, but then she had that stroke…
"At first, my mind was too preoccupied just helping her. I cancelled my plans to move back, and my relationship with Catherine mended itself because both of us were focusing on my grandmother's health. We had no time to think about anything else. And Catherine… Catherine… She…"
For the first time, she heard his voice break into a sob.
"Catherine's the one who helped me. She went to the hospital with me every single day while my grandmother recovered. My grandmother had to learn everything again. She couldn't walk, nor could she really speak, and Catherine was there for her even more than I was. She covered me when I had to go to work. She coordinated her schedule with mine so that my grandmother would never have to be alone."
He swallowed hard.
"She did all of that for me, so every time I thought of breaking up with her, I would remember that, and I just couldn't do it."
She watched as he smeared his face against his sleeve and caught a glance of just how wet and pink his eyes were.
"I know I didn't deserve her… After all she did, I thought it wasn't right to give up on us when we didn't even have any problems. I just didn't see the same future for us that she did… I've never said this aloud because it's so terrible, but I couldn't blame her, so instead I blamed my grandmother. I felt like I was trapped, that the reason I had gone in the first place was because of her mourning and the reason I couldn't leave because of her health. I see how she has permanent damage from the stroke, and I can't believe I was trying to find someone to blame—like it was her fault, like it was anyone's fault that I'd ultimately chosen to go there."
She watched his mind lose the fight with the words he wanted to express and the body language he wanted to convey.
"It's just that at some point, what had been love had just become comfort and honestly a bit of obligation, and I was just on autopilot. Somehow, another year passed by like that. I didn't really mind though. It wasn't that I was unhappy. Actually, most days I was happy… I was really… happy…"
He repeated himself as if he were in a trance before coming back out of it.
"When my company asked me to come to Japan, I wasn't even sure whether I wanted to do it. I looked at it as a past life, but Catherine was the one who encouraged me to take the assignment. She wanted me to see my family and friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. My grandmother lives in a home and gets lonely, but she promised she'd take care of her while I was gone. And she did." His voice broke again. "She visited her every single day. Even I didn't do that when I lived there, and she's my blood."
She didn't need him to look at her to know he was crying. He looked as sad as he had been when she broke up with him, though he was no longer frantic. Instead, he looked guilty.
His despair made her feel sorry for him, but his guilt made her angry because it was guilt directed not at her but at Catherine. He was probably thinking back to whatever had happened back in France. Catherine telling him about episodes with his grandmother, while his grandmother thought in the background how perfect of a girlfriend her grandson had found. Perhaps Catherine when he broke up with her, Takeru overcome with emotion—just like now.
"I had convinced myself I didn't actually like you anymore. When I first reached out to you, it truly was without intention, but as soon as I saw you, all of those feelings came back. I thought it'd be fine because I already knew you didn't like me. I never intended to keep Catherine a secret. I wanted to tell you about her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, especially when you made it so obvious that you liked me too."
She was humiliated that she had been so blatant about it.
"I knew I had to break up with her, but I couldn't do it over the phone. She had done everything for me. She was still doing everything the entire time I was here. I just couldn't do that to her."
"So instead you decided to cheat on her and lie to me," she said finally. She hadn't given him a shred of the empathy she was actually feeling, which she thought would make her feel empowered but instead made her feel mean.
"Yes." He finally looked up at her. "I know it sounds nonsensical, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt her, but I wanted you so much."
"You could have just told me, Takeru."
"I know. I know that's what I should have done. I knew the entire time that I was doing something awful, but I just felt like I had so many missed opportunities with you. It felt like this was my one shot, and I couldn't let go of it. I thought if I didn't take it, I'd lose any chance with you in the future."
She glared at him, furious that he had made up some story for themselves that was so distant from the reality.
"Of course I knew I should have just told you the truth, but I had waited so long. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you another time. It felt like the timing was never right for the two of us, so what if that was the last chance I'd get? I only had a two-month window here, so I decided to create my own timeframe. That's why I acted so forward too. When I was myself, you didn't like me, so I tried to be what I thought you'd like—and it worked!"
His face lit up for a moment, an almost prideful smile appearing. As if he noticed it too, he erased it from his face.
"I know it's just an excuse, but I wanted to be with you so much that I just didn't care how I got there. I knew it was wrong, and when I first kissed you, it really was an accident. I was so ashamed. I felt like the worst human that had ever existed. I couldn't eat or sleep because I knew I had cheated, and I knew I had to tell both of you, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried to stop, so that's why I avoided you for a while. I just wanted to make it all go away, but then you started to text me first. I was so happy because it seemed like you wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see you. I thought it was too good to be true. I was on cloud nine, and I didn't want to give that up that feeling, even if it meant that I was hiding her, because the alternative was to tell you and risk you breaking up with me. I thought if I suppressed it long enough, I would eventually just forget it, and it would be like it never happened. If that didn't work, I convinced myself that I could live with that guilt if it meant I could have you, and that would be my punishment for what I did. I know it was wrong—I knew then too. I just couldn't stop myself. I was just so desperate because I've always wanted you so much, and I thought if I let this opportunity get away, it would just be like all of those other times, and you'd end up finding some other guy—someone much better than me. I couldn't deal with the possibility of that."
She saw that dark, empty dimness in his eyes. There was something familiar about it now.
"I know I've hurt a lot of people. I've left my grandmother alone and made both her and my mother sad. I've scratched my brother's friendships by forcing him to cover for me. I've hurt Catherine, who was by my side for so many years. Most of all, I know how much I've betrayed you and how you must feel about me now. It was so obvious that this moment would one day come, but I couldn't stop. Just this once, I wanted to put myself first, even if it meant I'd become the villain. That's how desperate I was. That's how badly I wanted—"
"Takeru, that's enough."
She had spoken so quietly that it was almost a whisper, but he stopped talking like she had muted him.
"As much as I don't want to feel sorry for you, I do. It's very difficult for me to see you in this state. I am sorry you felt so lost, and I'm sorry if I ever made it seem like I didn't like you for who you are because that was never true. As much as I don't agree with your choices, I can at least understand that you didn't want to hurt your girlfriend, who helped you during a difficult time."
She thought she saw a glimmer of hope in him.
"But it doesn't change anything. At the end of the day, no matter the reason, you were lying to me. You lied to me every single day. You told your girlfriend the truth, but you were okay lying to me forever. I want to believe you're a nice guy who made a bad mistake, but I can't convince myself of that, because I can't look past this."
She saw his lips tighten into that sad smile again. "I know that."
"For the record, had you told me, I would have waited. You keep saying I never liked you, but you're wrong, Takeru. I liked you too, but the person I liked isn't the same person who would do this. This other person—you—I don't like him even one bit."
She saw the exact moment that the words hit him, his lips quavering slightly before he fixed them back in place.
"I didn't come here thinking you'd forgive me or take me back. I messed up, and I'm not going to try again." His expressive eyes did something between softening and darkening at the same time. "But at the very least, can you take me back as a friend? I can give you all the time you need, but just don't cut me off, Hikari. I need you. As anything."
She wanted to say no, that she didn't even want him as a friend, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. Being unable to do so made her cry.
"Hikari, don't cry," he said, and that was when she noticed that her tears had not only formed but started to fall. She saw his own appear too.
She could only imagine how pitiful the two of them must have looked.
If someone had told her when this had all started that this was where she and Takeru would be now, she wouldn't have believed them. She had been in a blissful, naïve, oblivious heaven. A terrible part of her wished that she had never had a hunch and had never found out the truth—to only remember the Takeru that seemed to have descended from the heavens.
Takeru, who had always been so kind and selfless and smart and personable. They had met twenty years ago now, and far before they had pursued anything romantic, this was the person she had built in her mind. Perhaps unknowingly she had also put Takeru on the same pedestal that he claimed to have put on her, because at the moment it was impossible for her to reconcile these two versions of him.
She stole a glance at him and saw that he was looking back down at his trembling hands, knuckles white from clutching his trousers.
"Hikari? Is that you?"
She and Takeru both grew alert at the sound of the familiar voice, and they looked to see Daisuke walking towards them.
"Oh, hey Takeru," Daisuke added.
Hikari hadn't spoken to Daisuke about what had happened, and she doubted Takeru had either, but she got the feeling from the way he was looking at them that he already knew.
Takeru stood up, and Hikari was shocked that he had managed to look composed again in that split second.
"Hiya," he greeted friendlily, even smiling. "What are you doing, walking around the park by yourself?"
Her shock became anger. How could he hide his feelings so easily? That was probably how he had tricked her in the first place.
"Taking a shortcut," Daisuke answered, looking at Hikari instead.
"Actually, Daisuke and I had plans," Hikari blurted, much to both Daisuke and Takeru's surprise. She stood up from her swing, legs slightly giving out, and walked over to Daisuke. "I'm hungry."
"Er, let's go eat then?" Daisuke replied, making it too obvious that he had no idea what to say.
Takeru took only a second to recover, then beamed at them both, wished them a good night, and left. She stared as he walked away, the back of him indicating nothing was wrong when he had looked so broken just a minute earlier.
She wanted to run up to him and yell at him for being so fake, but instead she turned to Daisuke.
"Sorry for putting you on the spot," Hikari murmured.
"You know what I hate the most about Takeru?" Daisuke asked with a frown. She saw that he was also staring at Takeru's leaving figure. "He has this fake smile he puts on whenever he's annoyed but trying not to be. It makes me want to punch him in the face."
Hikari had no response, though inside she thought even Daisuke could tell when Takeru was faking it, yet she couldn't.
He changed the subject hurriedly when she didn't say anything. "A-anyway, Hikari, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine," she said quietly. "I'm guessing you know what happened?"
"Er… ah…" He looked around awkwardly. "Well, yes, I do, yes… I was at Taichi's place when he found out and threatened to end Takeru's life."
When she didn't reply, he quickly added, "Don't worry! Sora calmed him down, so I don't actually think Takeru's life is in danger!"
He looked more confused when Hikari still didn't react. "Er, I mean unless you want it to be, because then I'm sure it can be arranged. I haven't seen your brother that angry in years."
"I don't want Takeru to be harmed," Hikari clarified finally.
She could feel Daisuke staring at her but didn't draw attention to it. She didn't know what to do, feeling numb.
"Hikari," he said finally, putting a hand to her shoulder. "Let's get a drink together."
They ended up in an izakaya, the smell of alcohol and smoke making her nose twitch.
"Er, sorry for taking you to a place like this," Daisuke muttered awkwardly. "Let's go somewhere else."
"I don't mind," Hikari assured.
She tried to order juice, but Daisuke asked her to split a bottle of shochu with her.
"I'm not a big drinker," she reminded him.
"I know," he confirmed, looking at her so piteously. "Just have a drink with your friend. Miyako said you rejected her, but you can have one with me, right? You've known me longer."
She felt her people-pleasing nature kick in. "Okay, maybe just one, but my tolerance has gotten even worse. You might have to carry me home."
"I can carry you home."
They took a shot. Daisuke looked delighted and said it tasted sweet, though she couldn't disagree more. She physically felt the liquor trail through her system, burning from her throat all the way down to her stomach. It was quite literally the opposite of sweet.
She must have been making a funny expression, for he started to laugh.
"Sometimes, I can't believe you and Taichi are siblings," he said, shaking his head as he poured them another. "This is his favourite."
She didn't say anything, and he didn't really try to make additional conversation. When their food came, Daisuke made a show of rearranging everything so that her picks were in front of her.
"Do you want to take a photo?" he asked her.
She shook her head.
"My girlfriend always wants a photo," he mumbled.
"I'm glad that's working out well," Hikari said to him, watching him pout, a bit impressed that whoever this girlfriend was seemed to have conditioned him this way.
He looked annoyed, not necessarily at her, then shook it off.
"Hikari, eat," he urged, moving pieces from the shared plates to hers. "Eat a lot. You look really thin."
Daisuke, who Miyako had always accused of being so clueless, had always been thoughtful when it came to her.
She picked at her food to show attempt, though she was unable to swallow much. Daisuke raised his glass towards her.
"If you eat food alongside it, it'll be fine," he assured before she could reject him. He clinked his glass against hers, bringing his to his lips even when she wouldn't. "We haven't gone out like this since our uni days."
She swirled her glass in her hand and apologised to him. "Sorry I'm being so depressing."
"You aren't!" he exclaimed loudly. He was grinning at her, which she actually could tell was fake. "You know, I've heard things here and there from Miyako. She said you haven't really been talking to her. I know I'm probably wrong, but maybe you want to talk to me instead? I know it seems like I have a big mouth, but I'm pretty good at keeping a secret. I'll be even better at keeping your secret, and I'm not as shouty as Miyako hahaha!"
She said nothing, watching and listening as Daisuke made clumsy attempts to make the atmosphere light, even though she knew fully well that she was ruining whatever night he had originally planned for himself.
She felt her eyes water, feeling bad for bringing him into this and wasting his time.
"Hikari, I know you don't like talking about your feelings, but you know you can always talk to me, right?" he tried, his expression growing more concerned. "Just let it out. It's really not a big deal to freak out every once in a while."
As if he had given her the permission she hadn't known she sought, she took him up on his offer, her emotions once again at boiling point.
Never had she seen Daisuke be so silent or listen as intently as he did, nor had she heard herself reveal so much so freely. She had had time to come to terms with what Takeru had originally done and could speak on that with some clarity, but she couldn't control herself when she told him about meeting Yamato the other day and Takeru earlier that night. She told him she was having one mental breakdown after another and even went into detail that while she hated him, it mattered to her that Takeru had ever loved that girl. Takeru hadn't said a single bad thing about his ex-girlfriend, and as horrible as it was, she wished that he had.
"We both know you don't actually want that," Daisuke reminded her. "And to his credit Takeru doesn't really talk bad about anyone."
She knew he was right. At the end of the day, she would not have felt any sense of joy if Takeru spoke ill of someone he had wronged just as much as her. She had twenty years of friendship, but Catherine had five years of romance. Yamato had said their entire family thought they would end up married.
He shook his head and muttered under his breath, "What an actual idiot."
"He is an actual idiot," she agreed haughtily.
He laughed, having found it funny that she had said it, then trailed off. He looked pensive.
"Hikari." He looked at her again with an odd smile spreading across his face. "Can I say something without you taking it the wrong way?"
She nodded, even though she didn't think she had the emotional stability to stay true to her word.
"What Takeru did is despicable, and I'm devastated for you."
She was confused. "Why would I take that the wrong way?"
"Because even though I hate what he did, I also know from experience what it's like to be in love with you."
Her expression didn't change. He instantly looked nervous.
"I mean, not anymore," he correctly quickly, "but I don't know. Maybe if I had gotten the same chance Takeru had, then who knows? Maybe I would have done it too?"
She still didn't move, his words not processing, and again he looked like he regretted himself.
"Well, maybe not. I'm not trash like Takeru."
Daisuke had never been great with words. It took a few moments longer for her to register that he was defending him.
"Even if he wanted me, he could have done it the normal way. Why did he have to do something so awful?"
He looked relieved by her delayed reaction and leaned back, shrugging. "I don't know. I never understood Takeru so much, but I certainly wouldn't have thought he'd be capable of doing anything like this."
"I hate him," she said miserably.
He shrugged again, appearing far less cautious now. "You say that, but you probably don't."
"Who are you to say how I feel?" she asked in an accusatory tone.
They looked at each other in surprise, both caught off guard by her reaction.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly. "It's just that when the two of you got together, nobody was surprised. To be honest, what was more surprising was how long you guys had managed to go without dating each other."
She freaked out. She heard herself raising her voice at him. How dare he? Takeru wasn't some person who was made for her. She wasn't one-half of him either.
This time, he didn't seem quite as taken aback.
"Then cut him off," he suggested, calling her bluff. "Just forget about him, and it'll be over."
She wanted to say she would, but she couldn't find it in herself to say it.
Because of all people in the world this was Takeru.
Daisuke looked at her again with pity on his face. "To be clear, I hate what Takeru did. I hate even more that he did it to you. Takeru and I are two very different people, but going crazy for someone I love. I can kind of understand that."
Hikari thought of how Miyako was always judging him for being in a relationship going nowhere.
"Why are you justifying what he did?" she asked pointedly with a frown. It frustrated her that Yamato and Sora and even Daisuke saw some justification in him.
"I'm not doing that."
"Yes, you are. You're defending him."
"Maybe a little."
"But why?" she demanded, again more aggressive than she would have liked to have been. "You don't even like him that much."
"Takeru gets on my nerves, but he's still my mate," Daisuke corrected. He sighed, understanding that she didn't care about the exact nature of their friendship. "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if I take away the action itself, I can understand where he might have been coming from."
She felt herself boil over with anger, but he spoke before she could potentially erupt.
"I might not be in love with you anymore, Hikari, but back in those days I would have done just about anything for you. And I'm me. I react at every little thing. Takeru, for as much as everyone thinks he's such a smooth hotshot, is so bad at expressing himself. He just always pretends everything is fine, even when it's not, so for him to go to these lengths…"
"I don't feel sorry for him, if that's what you're trying to say," she said stonily while trying not to think about Takeru's hysterical crying earlier.
"I don't think you should. To be honest, I don't feel sorry for him either."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I can kind of sympathise with how desperate he must have felt. I was once that desperate too."
"You never went this far," she reminded him.
"Maybe not, but I'm not proud of some of the things I did or said to try to get you either." He looked at her kindly, and she could tell he was trying to end it. "I don't agree with what Takeru did. I'm not even saying you should forgive him, but you asked why, and that's why. That's it, okay?"
She looked away from him. "Okay."
Daisuke was pouring himself another glass of shochu, looking in higher spirits for some reason.
"It's a bit selfish, but you know what? It's kind of vindicating for me that even though I always thought Takeru had the upper hand, at the end of the day you were just as unattainable for him as you were for me."
She didn't know what to say. She had expertly avoided Daisuke's affections for years before he had seemingly gotten over her around the time she started dating his teammate. There had been no resolution to that part of her life either. They had never really talked about it.
He smiled warmly at her. "I love my girlfriend now, but you really were something else, Hikari. You were so perfect to me."
Perfect.
She remembered when Takeru had called her that too, when in reality she thought she was the most imperfect person in the world.
Her eyes were welling up again. Daisuke pretended not to have noticed and downed his last shot.
"Let's finish up and go. Sorry I made you come out with me."
1 August 2023
Happy Odaiba Memorial Day, and thank you to all still reading! x