PA2: Hey everyone. So normally this would be where we go into a bit of an opening skit, but for this one, we figured it was best to go with sincerity. After all, this is probably going to be the last chapter for at least a few months.
MP: Which is actually pretty normal for us.
PA2: True, but this time is a little different. We've been working on this fic basically non-stop for the past five years, and we're feeling a little burnt out from it. So we're going to be taking a little hiatus to work on some other projects and refresh ourselves as we start to enter the last third or so of the story.
MP: We had this chapter finished up for a while now, but we were holding off on posting it in order to keep up our buffer. But we didn't want to leave you in the lurch, so here it is! The grand conclusion to the Poseidon adventure (still not that one)!
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Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter 22: Monkey Business (Not That One, Or That Other One)
"Seriously? All this for a couple of dolphins?" the Macaque griped as he flew back down, his trident poised to strike. "You people need to learn when to let things go!"
"Says the creature who spent the past few centuries fixated on a petty grudge!" Captain Lewis retorted as the coach slid across the waves like a water strider, easily evading the Macaque's attack.
"The lady's got a point!" the Monkey King chimed in, taking advantage of the Macaque's missed strike to slam his staff into his foe's back. "For someone who thinks they're such a wise guy, you really did put the 'dummy' in 'ventriloquist dummy!'"
"And who says you're the better jokester, huh?" the Macaque groaned. He dissolved into the river, then moved towards the coach as a violent surge of waves, his face reflected in the surface. Despite the intimidating sight, the guards stood firm, blasting the Thames's surface with flames so hot that the Macaque's watery form began evaporating into steam. With a yelp of pain, the waves collapsed in on themselves, only for the ensuing cloud to move forward instead. Within moments, the guards were surrounded by scorching hot mist that flowed around and through the state coach. By the time they were able to disperse the Macaque's new form with a blast of air magic, the faces of the Royal Guard looked as red as their uniforms.
"Ugh, this is why I hate working with amateurs," Sun Wukong muttered, flying over to the rapidly coalescing gout of steam with the Ryugi Jingu Bang at the ready. The Macaque regained solidity just in time to take a staff blow to the face, the hit knocking him into the distance like a baseball player hitting a home run. "You know," he continued, turning back to the guards, "I appreciate the assist earlier, but will you let me handle this? I can't sit around babysitting you when I need all my focus!"
"That simian has insulted our honor and attacked our country!" Captain Lewis snapped back. "We must respond quickly and severely! Besides, aren't you supposed to be a god? What is taking you so long?"
"Well for your information, most of my best stuff really doesn't work in populated areas," the Monkey King groused. "Unless you want a giant three-headed monkey stomping your city into dust?"
"Yeah, you goody-goods always have this thing about collateral damage, don't you?" came the Macaque's voice, seemingly being carried along the roar of the waves. "Whereas I don't have any such hangups. I wonder if there's a way I can use this to my advantage…oh wait, I know!"
A wall of water rose up, shifting color until it resembled a plasma screen. On it was displayed the Macaque in his true form, his trident replaced with an oversized ax, hacking away at a massive wall of rock. Despite the fact that the axehead seemed to be composed primarily of water, every blow gouged out sizable chunks from the rocky surface.
"What…what am I looking at?" Captain Lewis gasped, her eyes fixed on the screen.
The Monkey King growled, his hands tightening around his staff. "What the Diyu do you think you're doing here?!"
"Oh, you know, just chopping my way through the island of Britain!" the Macaque answered cheerfully, his ax biting deeply into the bedrock. "Figured like it was time to work the triceps, you get me?"
"You fiend!" the captain shouted, while the rest of the guards let out audible gasps. "How dare you desecrate our home like this?!"
"Hey, what goes around comes around!" the Macaque taunted, sticking his tongue out. "Oh, and don't bother trying to come down here. You really think I'd leave my actual body to do grunt work like this? I'm one with the North Sea now, baby!"
"And it's not like any of us can swim that deep anyway," the Monkey King muttered. "The Armor can only do so much. Unless that coach has a submarine mode?" he asked, grimacing at the sight of the guards shaking their heads.
"Look at the bright side! Once I sink this place into the depths of the ocean, people might actually start to give a damn about Wales-well, maybe," the Macaque said, cackling madly as his grinning face filled the entire screen, leering down at his opponents.
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"You know, after wandering through the Chinese afterlife for hours, I can't believe this is the weirdest part of my day," Tremaine muttered under her breath.
"Believe me, it's just as strange for us," replied Vanessa, currently sitting right across from the girl. They, along with the rest of their respective groups, were currently seated on the deck of a ship, albeit an unusual one. For one thing, it was the size of a tennis court, with two sails bearing the image of a golden apple over crossed swords. It was also surprisingly detailed and equipped; elegantly carved railings lined the whole thing, and old-fashioned cannons were positioned on both sides, as well as underneath the ram-shaped figurehead. However, what was strangest about it was the fact that it was currently flying.
"Oh quit complaining!" came a familiar voice from towards the front of the ship. Standing on the prow was Eris, now sporting an elaborate new cosplay. Her hair had grown several inches and changed in color from rainbow to white, with blue and green dyed ends. She wore a pair of red horns atop her head, matching the color of her hakama pants, as well as a sleeveless white blouse and a purple and white cord wrapped around her waist and back. Completing the look was a massive iron club, covered with Greek writing in icy-blue lettering. Frost could be seen emanating from where it was resting against the deck. "Come on, you've all been here before! New baddie steals the thing everyone wants, heroes and villains have to work together to get it back! It's textbook 'enemy of my enemy'!"
"Yeah, yeah, the old 'enemy mine' idea," Jade said with an impatient wave of the hand. "Seen it, done it, used to it."
"Where did you even get this ship?" Jackie asked, sweating slightly as he felt Hak Foo's disturbingly milky eyes staring at him from a few feet away.
"We built it," Kasahara said proudly. "It took some time, hence our hasty retreat when the Macaque claimed the essence, but thankfully Greek magic excels at the enhancement of objects. Would you believe this vessel is crafted primarily from old support beams?"
Meanwhile, back on the shore, a partially constructed house collapsed in on itself, having been robbed of more than half of its supports.
"Wow, that's fascinating," Jade replied sarcastically. "But cool as this thing is, you got an actual plan to face King Wisecrack?"
"I got cannons, I got aerial maneuverability, and I got these three," Eris answered, jabbing a thumb in the direction of Kasahara, Vanessa, and Zhixin. "They know a few spells that could help. The Macaque won't go down easy, but they'll help slow him."
"What about him?" Captain Black asked, pointing a thumb at Hak Foo.
"He'll be helping in a different way. Specifically in a 'making sure your heads don't get torn off your bodies' way," Eris said blithely. "At least until the Macaque's taken care of."
"Why are we going along with this exactly?" Tremaine whispered to Pigsy.
"Not like we have other options, ya know?" the pig-man replied. "Besides, we could use the firepower."
"Look! Up ahead!" Tohru shouted, leaping to his feet. The boat briefly bounced as his weight hit the stern, tipping the bow upward.
"Watch it, Tons-O-Fun!" Pigsy yelled as he slid from his seat.
"Sorry," Tohru grunted. He then pointed forward at the massive wall of water that was growing closer and closer with every second, as well as the proportionally small figures flitting around it.
"Who do you see?" Jackie asked as he rushed to join Tohru. "Is it the Monkey King and Macaque?"
"The Monkey King, yes, but not the Macaque," Tohru answered. "Whatever that other thing is, it does not appear to be fighting the Monkey King. And it looks like it is…shining?"
"Great, it's those fur-hatted punks and their oh-so-precious covered wagon," Eris groaned, leaning on her club. "Whoop-dee-doo."
"Wait, the Royal State Coach can swim now?!" Captain Black shouted, only for Uncle to give him a two-fingered strike to the head.
"Coach not important! Stopping Macaque is!" he snapped, frantically balancing the concoction in the small cauldron on his lap. "We must find him and take essence while potion is still at full potency!"
"Well where the heck is he?" Jade asked, looking around the surrounding area. "Did he run off somewhere?"
"No, there's no way he'd do that," Pigsy replied bluntly. "He's way too full of himself, ya know?"
"But then what happened to him?" Jackie countered. "It's not as if he melted into thin air!"
"Maybe not thin air, but probably in thin water," Eris interjected, staring at the massive wall of water in front of them. "That explains why I've been smelling that reek of his since we left the shore. He must've dissolved and blended himself into every drop of water from here to the isles."
"Such power…" Tohru gasped, staring out at the turbulent waves. "No wonder the Eight Immortals were concerned. Even Sun Wukong has never defeated an entire ocean before."
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin muttered, carefully dabbing a paintbrush at the markings on his palms. "No matter how big the moon may be, never forget that you can hide it behind your fingers."
"Eh, not your best," Jade said offhandedly, prompting the monk to glare at her.
"Wait, if he's spread himself out this far, can't we just use the draining spell here?" Tremaine asked, only to earn another strike from Uncle.
"Absolutely not! Macaque is too diffuse in this form! We must reach the core of his power!" Uncle shouted. "One more thing! Potion has limited range. We cannot risk wasting it without a guaranteed hit! Must get as close as possible to the heart of the storm!"
"Enough chit-chat!" Hak Foo growled, getting to his feet. "Let's get on with this! Pegasus takes fli-" he continued, only to be dragged back to his knees by Vanessa.
"Oi, have your brains dripped out your ears?! You really don't see a problem with diving headfirst into the water the boss already said is about 99% Macaque?" she snapped. "Fists aren't going to work right now; we need magic!"
"Hey, magic fists are totally an option!" Eris said cheerfully as she hefted her club onto her shoulders. "But yeah, my muscle-bound mussel, I'm afraid those gorgeous pecs aren't gonna be much help on the grounds. And yes, he still has pecs in this form; I made sure of it!" she announced to the Section 13 crew, who simultaneously shuddered.
"Excuse me while I scrub that image out of my mind," Tremaine said quietly, with Captain Black nodding beside her.
"Alright, game plan. Anyone who can launch direct targeted magic attacks, or at least has some way of hurting water, get to the front. Everyone else, man the cannons!" Vanessa ordered, immediately teleporting to the prow of the ship.
"Tch, you're not the boss of me," Jade muttered, even as she took up a position behind the nearest cannon. "Although, I guess I can suck it up…"
"Not a chance," Jackie interrupted. He lifted her by her hoodie and turned her to face him. "This is much too dangerous. Get below deck and fasten a lifejacket."
"Oh come on! Does this thing even have those?!" Jade fired back.
Jackie turned to Eris. "Well?" he asked.
The Goddess of Discord let out a groan. "Your devotion to safety is sickening!" she complained. Nonetheless, she snapped a finger and Jade was swaddled in a lifejacket so large and puffy that she couldn't properly bend her arms. "There. Happy?"
Jade mumbled something obscene and waddled belowdecks.
"Alright people," Eris declared, brandishing her weapon at the massive wall of water. "Let's end these monkeyshines!"
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A short distance away, the Monkey King and the Royal Guards were frantically circling the Macaque's watery viewing screen, attempting to break away and head back to Great Britain. However, they were being blocked at every turn; pitch-black waves rose up as high as steeples to block their path, the Macaque's twisted expression visible in each and every whitecap. The surface of the water itself was a poisonous gray, constantly being disturbed by the rumbling of the sea floor, while the sky overhead was so darkened by thundering clouds that only the Monkey King's glowing golden glare and the State Coach could be seen.
The Monkey King stayed airborne, avoiding grasping tendrils of water with grace and agility, backflipping through curls of seafoam and icy hands, but any time he struck, the water simply slapped him back. His staff and his clones gave no assistance this time, as the Macaque's power seemed to be growing by the second. The State Coach was even less help; the defenses of the enchanted carriage were helping the guards weather the worst of the storm, but without any way to take to the air and avoid the waves, even Captain Lewis was desperately looking for an opening to escape. And all the while, the Macaque's image on the viewing screen kept hacking away at the isle of Great Britain, his pace methodical and steady.
The water was rolling and bubbling in all directions, far as the eye could see, but the Monkey King's expression was determined rather than resigned. Every seemingly fatal blow only took out a clone, and every attack on him was met with a swipe from his weapon. The Armor of the Eight Immortals kept him above the water, but the storm clouds were beginning to lower. Soon there would be no layer of air between them at all.
"Make yourselves useful and keep those clouds up!" the Monkey King (or one of his clones) screamed from beside the carriage. "I can't get caught in his grasp again! And see what you can do about the water!"
"We're daein' oor best, ye furry bas!" the Scottish guard screamed as thunder began to crack.
"You know, Red Boy had the right execution, but the wrong idea!" boomed the Macaque's voice from every wave. The waves formed a head with a long nose and a pointy hat. "Fire may be good for scarecrows, but not so much for statues!"
"Okay, seriously, there wasn't even a proper set-up this time!" the Monkey King groaned, batting aside another way. "And that reference was weak! Either try harder or stop trying at all!"
"You don't get to criticize me anymore!" the Macaque roared back, in a voice less like his own, and more like a whirlpool swallowing a ship. "I've got more power than you'll ever have, and even now I continue to spread!"
"You're making yourself too thin!" the Monkey King warned. His clones were bursting all around, speaking in unison as they flipped and flew, only to meet their fate at the ends of the watery whips conjured all around them. "Go too far and you may lose your consciousness forever! You'll just be an evil force of nature!"
"And that's bad?" the Macaque snapped back. "Honestly, after centuries of being a half-baked you, it might be nice to be nothing at all for a while! But don't worry; I'm not leaving without a big exit!" Suddenly, a massive watery hand shot out from the water's surface, engulfing the State Coach in a colossal fist and raising it high into the air. "And I think that this thing should be sent back where it belongs!" he continued, finishing with a maniacal cackle. The Monkey King watched in horror as the conjured appendage began to twist and turn, winding up like a major-league pitcher aiming for a strikeout. However, before it could actually throw, a high, nasally voice was suddenly heard over the wind.
"Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao, yu mo gui gwai fai di zao!" chanted Uncle, his pufferfish and newt glowing with magic as Eris's ship burst through the cloud barrier and charged straight at the watery arm. While the green bolts of good chi failed to substantially affect the limb, they did provide the perfect opening for Eris to leap off the prow of the ship and slam her club into it, freezing it solid as the weapon's magic took effect.
"Oh, it's you," the Macaque growled. "Come crawling back now that I'm a big shot, eh? Well, too little, too late! I ain't nobody's sucker no more, babe! Go find yourself a new sugar daddy!"
"Aw, is that it? One more line and you coulda won Lonely Ex Bingo!" Eris taunted, standing triumphantly atop the icy hand and blatantly ignoring the guards hammering for release on the inside. "And where do you get off playing the victim card? Because of you, I have to actually contain chaos for once in my life! Do you realize what this is gonna do to my street cred?"
"'Streets' will soon be a thing of the past, sugar-booger!" the Macaque howled. "Nothing but glorious water the world over! Humanity banished to the deep! And the Dragon King himself but a pauper in my kingdom! And all of you!" he snapped, a watery face peering at the motley crew aboard the flying ship. "Your bloated remains will make nice gargoyles for my palace!"
"Not bloody likely. Fire!" Vanessa ordered. Captain Black and Tremaine, glowering at the relic hunter, fired their cannons, nailing waves with balls of iron covered in glowing Greek writing. The water froze where they struck, but soon began to crack and move.
"All power to the cannons!" Kasahara roared, as more cannonballs were fired. The waves began to steady, and the palace guards managed to melt the State Coach free from the Macaque's grasp. In fact, the Macaque's attack had provided an unexpected boon: the pillar of ice left after the fist was melted finally gave the Royal Guard the vantage point they needed. As soon as they were free, Captain Lewis bellowed an order, and they began launching all four elements into the heart of the Macaque's storm.
"Strike with everything you have!" Captain Lewis commanded. "This is our only chance! For Britain!"
"For Britain!" the rest of the guards repeated, intensifying their attacks. Wind and fire tore small holes in the cloud cover, while ice and stone tried to keep the waves at bay. Slowly but surely, Eris's vessel advanced, with the Monkey King and his clones guarding them from all sides.
"Hey, come on guys!" the Macaque whined, materializing a semi-physical body atop one of the waves. "Don't you have better things to do than beating up on lil' ol' me?"
Pigsy let out a grunt as he batted away waves with his trusty rake. "Changes his tune pretty quickly, ya know?"
"Classic Six-Eared Macaque," the Monkey King chuckled. "All the confidence in the world, until things don't go his way."
"It's just a distraction! Look!" Captain Lewis shouted, pointing at the Macaque's massive water screen. The second Macaque had picked up his pace dramatically, cleaving great chunks of rock from the wall with each swing. "He's already almost a quarter of the way through!"
"Do not let him get any further!" Jackie cried. "The island cannot take much more!"
"Just a little closer!" Tohru said, firing blasts of magic. "We are almost in range!"
Zhixin began adding his own attacks to the mix as the cannons, the royal guards, and Eris's club cleared a path through the storm, bringing them ever closer to the giant watery screen.
"It is time!" Uncle yelled, his cauldron hugged close to his chest. "Tohru, be ready with the vinegar!"
"Yes, sensei!" Tohru yelled back. He pulled the small plastic container from his pocket, but as he did the entire ship rocked. As everyone frantically tried to hang on, a distressingly familiar serpentine face rose from the water, albeit one with a massive black eye. The sealed cup was sent flying as the ketos made its return, smacking its head against the bow of their ship with a roar.
"JACKIE!" Uncle screamed at his nephew. "We cannot lose vinegar!"
Jackie stumbled and flung himself toward the stern as the little cup flew overhead. The Monkey King leapt, too, as the ketos took out the last of his clones, but they both overshot it, flying past the cup, which tumbled below. Just before it could dip below the boat, though, a small hand flew out and caught it.
"What would you guys do without me?" Jade asked, tossing her life jacket over the side of the boat.
"Wait," Pigsy grunted. "How'd the kid-?"
"Do not think about it," Tohru warned as Jade walked over to Uncle, holding the vinegar tightly. "Your brain will implode."
Below the ship, the Monkey King and Jackie both hit the water. The noble primate grabbed the Monkey King's back, and they both flipped to avoid the ketos's thrashing tail, kicking at the beast's back, only to let out simultaneous screams as its jaws bore down on them. Just before it could bite, though, the slimy form of Hak Foo snatched them away with a yell of "Harpy snatches mutton!"
As they sped away from the monster, Jackie and Hak Foo gave each other a quick glare, then nodded and turned back to the ketos. "Get us closer," Jackie told the Monkey King.
"Can do!" the trickster deity laughed. He seized the two martial artists under his arms and buzzed up and over the ketos's thrashing claws, narrowly dodging its swinging tail and snapping jaws as he took them high above. "On three, then?" he asked. Jackie and Hak Foo nodded. "THREE!"
Jackie and Hak Foo were dropped and aimed twin kicks directly into the monster's eyes. As it roared, stunned, the Monkey King took one more swing at the top of its head with his staff, flattening the beast's skull. The dead monster collapsed into the rolling surf and slowly sank beneath the foam.
"No! My poor little poopsie!" the Macaque moaned as he watched the ketos fall below the waves. "What did that defenseless sea monster ever do to you?!"
"He really does jabber on and on, doesn't he?" Hak Foo said as the Monkey King lifted him and Jackie off of the rapidly dissolving ketos and back onto the boat's bow.
"Keep it down," the Monkey King hissed. "I'm not in the mood to hear him try a Frank Welker impression."
"No respect!" the Macaque ranted in a nasally voice, as dolphins once again converged on his position. "No respect at all!" All around him, they transformed into shark-dolphin hybrids, slicing through the waves with incredible speed. They leapt out of the water, biting chunks from the flying boat, but the earth elementalists among the royal guards blasted them away.
"Are we in range yet?" Kasahara asked, batting a leaping shark-dolphin away with the large paper mallet taking the place of his right hand.
"Almost…" Uncle muttered, making minute adjustments to the potion as the ship sailed headlong through the biting winds and crashing waves.
"Keep freezing him!" Vanessa ordered, matching action to word by firing another cannonball. "Family-size, four-arms, keep repelling those waves!"
Zhixin and Tohru grunted, but continued sending energy blasts at the taller waves that threatened ship and shore. Meanwhile, the Monkey King, having dropped the two martial artists on the ship's deck, had sped ahead and begun stirring his staff through the Macaque's water screen.
"Alright RJB, time to show off a little bit!" he said, before suddenly stabbing the staff through the screen. However, rather than come out the other side, the Ryugi Jingu Bang instead appeared behind the watery duplicate currently hacking away at Britain's bedrock.
"What the-hey, what are you doing?!" the Macaque's other body screeched, his voice magnified by the crashing of the waves.
"Just giving a second-rate comedian the hook! And out you go!" the Monkey King replied cheerfully, before tightening his grip on his staff and slamming it into the screen Macaque's side. In an instant, the Macaque's actual body flew out of the side of the screen, which immediately dissolved back into ordinary water, along with the Macaque's other bodies. The waves calmed, the skies began to clear, and for a moment, there was perfect stillness as the Macaque tumbled through the air.
"Now! Theía dýnami, afíste grígora! Theía dýnami, afíste grígora!" Uncle chanted, brandishing his chi-o-matic in one hand and a batter-fried fish finger in the other. Before the Macaque could do more than blink, he was struck by a massive blast of chi energy. He wouldn't go down easily, though, continuing to thrash and morph into a tornado of seawater lined with six-eared faces.
"You won't take away my power!" he cried. "Ain't a drain in the universe that can suck down the ocean!"
"What about Charybdis?" Tremaine asked.
"Shut up!"
Eris let out a war cry and flung herself forward, slamming her club down onto the whirlpool, which immediately began to ice over. The crew and guards combined their own attacks to aid in the job, and the vortex's movement ground to a near-halt.
"Nooo!" the Macaque yowled. "I'm freezing! Freezing! Oh, what a world, what a world!"
"Oh for the love of me, shut the heck up!" Eris snapped, backflipping off of the Macaque's frozen body and extending her hands. "Oh, and Chans? Truce over! Syncharitíria pou to metafrásate, tóra párte mia zoí! Syncharitíria pou to metafrásate, tóra párte mia zoí!"
In a flash of light, Eris's own beam of magic struck the Macaque, completely arresting his momentum. As Eris flew down to the deck of the ship and landed next to Uncle, she proceeded to adjust her grip on her energy rope, already glowing teal with traces of Poseidon's essence, and began to pull with all her might.
The Six-Eared Macaque continued to scream and thrash, nearly powerless under the onslaught of ice, his words becoming more garbled as he continued to freeze over. Even so, the teal-colored energy barely inched out of him before getting sucked right back in. "I fffart in your gennnnerrral dirrrectiiion! Yyyourr mmmmotttthher wwasssss a hammmssssssterr, and yyyyour ffff-"
"Father smelled of elderberries," Captain Lewis finished for him, rolling her eyes. "There. There's the obligatory Monty Python reference."
"Macaque's grip on essence is too strong! Cannot gain traction!" Uncle shouted, the chi-o-matic bucking wildly in his hands. "Need more assistance!"
"Well don't look at me, buddy!" Eris growled, her own grip quivering. "Even if I wanted to help, my grip ain't much better! Hey monkey boy, can you give us a hand here?"
"Not with those spells still going!" the Monkey King answered, circling the Macaque's struggling form. "All I'd do is destabilize the whole shebang!"
"'Destabilize?' That's what I'm here for!" Jade announced triumphantly, holding aloft the vinegar. "Let's see if we catch any flies with this!" She popped the cap off the little plastic cup and splashed its contents into Uncle's potion. The mixture frothed and pulsed, turning an angry purple as the last ingredient melded with the others.
"Ai-yah!" Uncle screamed. "Too much vinegar! Tohru, keep potion safe!" Tohru nodded and ran over, holding down the cauldron as an explosive wave of energy charged the spell. The sudden burst of power nearly sent the cauldron flying overboard, but Tohru just barely managed to keep it from spilling. Uncle's spell tripled in strength, a tremendous blast of teal energy siphoning out of the Macaque at fantastic speed as the chi-o-matic spun and whirled.
"Frooom helllll'ssss heaaaarrrt, I staaaab aaaaat theeee!" the Macaque spat, his voice growing weaker by the second. "Fooooor haaaaate'sssss sssssaaaake, I sssspiiiit mmmmmyyyyy lassssst brrrrreeeeeath at theeee!"
With a nasty slurping sound, the Macaque launched one final attack, a single beam of neither water nor air, but pure, unfiltered rage, directly at the chi-o-matic. Just before it could strike, though, a body dove to intercept the blast.
"I have regreeeeeets!" shouted the Monkey King as the beam struck him in the chest, sending him somersaulting into the distance from the sheer force. Still, his sacrifice was worth it; as he vanished from view, the last of Poseidon's essence was drawn into the chi-o-matic, its glass bulb glowing teal with contained power. The icy cone collapsed and the clouds blew apart, the water calming beneath. In seconds, almost everything looked as it did before, save for a little collateral damage.
"Ugh, damn it!" Eris shouted, letting go of her energy tether and stomping her feet. "Curse you, vinegar! This is why no one likes you!"
"Why is she shouting at a condiment?" one of the palace guards asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Trust us, you're better off not knowing," Vanessa muttered, glaring at the Chans. "So boss, can we get back to fighting the Chans now?"
"Ugh, in a minute," Eris groaned, adjusting her position on her club. "Just gotta take care of a loose end first. Get over here!"
With a disturbing squelching sound, Eris's arm extended out several feet, her hand digging into the twisted mass of ice floating above the waters and digging out the Macaque. Now divested of both his disguise and Poseidon's essence, he looked almost exactly like Sun Wukong's true form, albeit with six ears and a slightly wider mouth.
As Eris reeled him in, the Macaque chuckled weakly. "Hey baby," he said nervously as Eris pulled him to eye level. "Aren't you dressed as the wrong character for that gag?"
"Zip it!" the Goddess of Discord growled, holding the once-powerful Macaque by the scruff of his neck like a disgruntled kitten. "I have had a long day dealing with your pick-up-lines and your nonsense and your nearly destroying Great Britain before I can get to it! As soon as I'm done beating the old man to death with your miserable body, I'm gonna drag you back to the Diyu myself!"
"Hey, don't go acting like this is a done deal!" Jade snapped, glaring at the goddess. "It's been a long day, but we've still got enough juice to kick your keister back to the States!"
"Maybe, but I'm not so sure you wanna do that," Eris replied. "You wouldn't want me to hurt my hostages, would you?"
"What host-" Captain Lewis began, only for Eris to make a gesture with her club, causing the partially melted ice pillar holding the Royal State Coach to suddenly refreeze, trapping the Royal Guard once again. This time, the entire group of guards found themselves pressed up flat against the side of the carriage, completely immobilized.
"Oh come on!" Tremaine snapped, glaring at Eris. "That thing could control ice the whole time?!"
"Only when it's not made of moron," Eris replied smugly, shifting her grip on the Macaque as she did. With another gesture, a set of ice platforms rose up out of the waves. Eris gave the Agents a look, and the four of them quickly leapt from the boat, landing by Eris's side. "Now hand over that essence, or the Queen's going to have to put out a 'Help Wanted' ad."
"I don't think so," came a familiar voice. Everyone on board turned to face the Monkey King as he flew back from wherever he'd been sent, looking no worse for wear. The only difference was that rather than the Armor of the Eight Immortals, he was instead wearing a brown brocade tunic over simple leggings. "In fact, I think it'd be a good idea for you to drop the Macaque, take your people and leave now while the gettin's good."
"Seriously with this?" Eris muttered, rolling her eyes. "I get wanting to help the goody-goods, but why the Tartarus do you care about this guy?" she asked, shaking the Macaque for emphasis.
"Because me and the entire Celestial Bureaucracy have centuries worth of pent-up frustration to take out on him," the Monkey King said bluntly. "Plus, do you know how much paperwork I'd have to do if I let some foreign deity kill him?"
"How much?" Kasahara asked, only for Zhixin to elbow him in the ribs.
"To put it in a way you'd understand, a lot more than I'd have to do if I killed a foreign deity," the Monkey King said, turning the full force of his golden glare on Eris. "Get the picture?"
"Oh bite me!" Eris snapped. "You and your miserable bureaucracy can go take a long dive off a short pier! Now give me what I'm asking for!" she continued, turning back to glare at the Chans.
"Oh, absolutely!" Jade snickered and pulled a bag out of her jacket, then reached in and tossed the contents around Eris and her minions.
"What in the world-?" Kasahara said, examining the salty strips of fried potatoes that littered their icy platforms. "French fries?"
"They call 'em 'chips' here," Jade corrected. "And the birds love 'em!"
Out of nowhere, an entire flock of seagulls swooped down on the Agents of Chaos, pecking at them and snatching up the delicious fried morsels. In the confusion, the Monkey King threw himself at Eris and smashed her club with his own, scraping off some of the Greek letters. As it did, the ice prison immediately melted back into water, depositing the Royal State Coach safely upon the waves.
"Ugh, seriously?!" Eris groaned. "You couldn't have damaged the floatation spell?"
"As tempting as giving the five of you a dunk might be, I kinda needed to save people," the Monkey King said, still glaring at Eris. "Now, are you done? Or are we going to have to rumble? Because I can assure you, I'm more than ready."
Eris looked at the Monkey King, then at the Chans, all entering battle stances, then at the Royal Guard, charging elemental attacks, and then finally back at the Monkey King. "...you know what? Message received. Here, take him," she grumbled, tossing the Macaque over to Sun Wukong. "At least I know he'll get what's coming to him."
"Um, on second thought, could Eris just-" the Macaque started, only to stop as the Monkey King grabbed him by the neck and shook him.
"Do us all a favor and keep your mouth shut, got it?" the Monkey King growled, to which the Macaque meekly nodded.
As the assembled heroes turned to face Eris, she whistled sharply, causing everyone but the Monkey King to grab hold of their ears. In a matter of moments, her chariot flew in, her storm spirits pawing the air as Eris and the Agents jumped in. "Ugh, this day has been a complete waste of time!" she growled, snapping the reins. "I'm getting out of here! Maybe Robin Goodfellow'll be up for some action; me knows I'm not coming all the way to England without getting something…"
Still muttering to herself, Eris and her chariot flew off into the distance, vanishing in a matter of moments.
"Huh…not that I'm complaining, but why'd she leave us the boat?" Captain Black asked.
"Probably hopes we'll die when it hits the water, ya know?" Pigsy grunted.
"Hits the what?" Captain Black
"Relax, I've got clouds supporting it. We'll be good until we get to shore," the Monkey King said cheerfully, the Macaque strangely silent in his grip. As the Chans peered over the side, they saw the ship was indeed being supported by a mattress of glowing clouds.
"Should we go after them, Captain?" the mustached guard asked as the Royal Coach swam closer to the floating ship.
"Unless they head back to the Palace, they're out of our jurisdiction," Captain Lewis replied sternly, shaking her head. She cast her gaze back on the Chans. "Thank you all for helping us save our beloved country. The Queen herself owes you a debt of gratitude." She hesitated for a moment, then pulled something out of the lining of her hat. She held it to her lips, then tossed it, sending it sweeping up on a gust of wind to miraculously land in front of Jackie . "If you ever again find yourself in England, Mr. Chan, please look me up."
Jackie just picked up the card and stared as the guards directed the gold coach back to shore, its speed finally on display without waves and wind to throw it off course.
"Did you just get a date with a Buckingham Palace guard?" Jade asked, as the cloud mattress supporting the ship began to drift to shore.
"I…maybe?" Jackie muttered, still staring at the card.
"Let's hope they don't stay perfectly still everywhere," Captain Black muttered. However, his comment was interrupted by a two-fingered strike to the head.
"Jackie's love life not important! Where is Armor of the Eight Immortals?" Uncle snapped, turning to glare at the suddenly sheepish Monkey King.
"Ah, yeah, about that…" he said, rubbing the back of his head with the hand not holding the Macaque. "It sorta…broke apart when I crash landed."
"Ai-yah!" Uncle screamed.
"But how?! I thought that the Eight Immortals reinforced it!" Tohru said, his eyes wide.
"Macaque's last attack was very powerful," Uncle muttered. "Is definitely conceivable that it would have overwhelmed the Armor's protections."
"You mean after all that work, the Armor just got broken all over again?" Tremaine groaned.
"Afraid so. And since I crashed down in the middle of the North Sea, the pieces are probably all over the seabed by now. Congrats on making my day annoying even in defeat," the Monkey King continued, lifting the Macaque to eye level.
"I aims to please!" the Macaque chuckled, only for the Monkey King to tighten his grip on his throat. "I'll stay quiet now."
"Fan-freakin-tastic!" Jade exclaimed, folding her arms. "So now we have no Armor and it's even more broken than when we started. What the heck are we gonna do now?"
"Wait, do we even need the Armor at this point? We have the real Monkey King on our side!" Captain Black said triumphantly, only for the Monkey King to shake his head.
"Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't stick around much longer," the Monkey King said, sighing. "Unfortunately, the Eight Immortals only cared about Eris when she was enabling the Macaque. Now that he's about to be out of the picture, I've been ordered to return to Heaven immediately to hand him in."
"Wait! The Macaque knows the location of Eris's base!" Jackie said desperately. "Can they at least give us that information? We could put an end to this ourselves if we knew!"
"Sorry, but that's a no-go as well," the Monkey King said, giving the Macaque a good slam to the head with his staff. "Those ears of his can hear all the world's secrets, and we need to get all the most important stuff - the stuff for our pantheon. I'll try and let you know if we find anything, but if it's outside their jurisdiction, the bigwigs don't care."
"So that's it? 'Thanks for cleaning up our mess, have fun saving the world'? They're not going to help us at all?" Tremaine asked angrily.
"Well, they do have something they want to do, but it's less 'help' and more 'resolve loose ends.' Such as finding the Armor. And also punishing a particular porcine parolee," he continued, casting a meaningful glance at Pigsy.
"...Seriously?" Pigsy growled, glaring at Sun Wukong. "I'm getting the boot? What the Diyu, ya know?"
"Hey, you knew this was coming when you brought those guys to England!" the Monkey King protested. "Besides, you had to have known there's no way they'd send me back to Earth. Too much risk of 'inference' or whatever," he grumbled.
"And I don't?" Pigsy protested, only to flush slightly when the Monkey King gave him a pointed look. "Okay, point taken. But I'm not the one who lost the damn thing!"
"Wait," Tremaine said, looking between the two deities. "I'm confused, what's happening here?"
"I'm being railroaded, that's what's happening here!" Pigsy shouted. "So what, I'm stuck here until I get the Armor back? No appeal, no discussion, nothing?!"
"Afraid so. It's signed, sealed, and delivered," the Monkey King replied, pulling a sealed scroll out of thin air and handing it to Pigsy. "You are forbidden from returning to Heaven without the Armor of the Eight Immortals, no matter how long it may take to find it."
"Seriously?" Captain Black asked. "Come on, that's not right! He was just trying to help out!"
"Don't bother, kid. Once the Eight Immortals decide something, it's written in stone," Pigsy grunted, grabbing the scroll and shoving it in his back pocket. "Bunch of stuck up know-it-alls."
"No argument there. But hey, look on the bright side! You get to enjoy the pleasures of Earth for a while! See the sights, eat the food, all your favorite things!" the Monkey King said cheerfully as the ship, now just a mile off shore, slowly began to descend.
"Yeah, when I'm not breaking my behind tracking down that dang Armor," Pigsy grumbled. "Did you have to crash it in the middle of the sea?"
"Oh, you'll be fine. Besides, you know how it is. Sometimes things turn up where you least expect them," the Monkey King replied, surreptitiously winking at Pigsy. "Now then, let's take this guy back where he belongs. I've got some friends who have a lot of things they want to say to you…"
"Wait, no, please!" the Macaque begged as the Monkey King began away from the ship on a small cloud that detached from the rapidly dissolving mattress. "I've got so many more jokes to tell! You can't let me go out this lamely!"
The Monkey King sighed, stopping the cloud in its tracks. "Ugh, fine. Give us one last line to go out on."
The Macaque stopped struggling and rubbed his chin. "Uh…dying is easy, comedy is hard?"
"Wow. Even your last words on Earth are derivative," Sun Wukong admonished, shaking his head before turning back to the Chans. "Good luck guys! I'm rooting for ya!" With that, the Monkey King suddenly shot off into the sky, leaving only a twinkle of light behind.
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"The ritual to save your friend will be long and difficult," Joe's great-grandmother said, her face grim as she stared down at Luke's puppet form, Joe on his knees before her. "You will need to risk your life on a perilous quest, gather a variety of only the rarest ingredients, and beseech the tapus themselves to-"
With a flash of light, the puppet was gone, and Luke fell back onto Joe's ample stomach.
"Or I could be wrong," the old woman shrugged.
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"...Well that sure was something," Jade said grumpily, crossing her arms.
"I can't believe we walked through hours of Chinese Hell just to end up right back where we started," Tremaine grumbled. "Oh wait, no, we're even further back, because we don't even have the Armor anymore!"
"Yeah, Monkey's a real piece of work," Pigsy said calmly, his expression smoothing from anger to relaxation in a matter of seconds. "And he always gets away with everything! Just because he beat up the entire Bureaucracy that one time! Still, it has its benefits."
"Like what?" Jackie asked, confused at Pigsy's sudden change of tone.
"Like the fact that we just got away with conning the Eight Immortals, that's what," Pigsy answered triumphantly. He reached into the sleeve of his robe and pulled out a tiny silver box, like for an engagement ring, then popped it open. The Armor of the Eight Immortals, full-sized and perfectly intact, clattered to the ground.
"Wait, what?!" Captain Black shouted, staring at the fallen Armor. "But I thought-"
"That the ultimate trickster was being totally upfront?" the pig-man guffawed. "Come on, you're smarter than that, ya know? Didn't you notice anything weird about how he reacted to that last beam?"
"Hot-cha!" Uncle shouted in realization, slamming a fist into his palm. "Of course! One of Monkey King's most famous techniques is the Cloud-Stepping Somersault! He let himself be knocked away by attack!"
"Which gave him the perfect opportunity to hide the Armor!" Jackie continued, his face lighting up. "That is brilliant!"
"Um, not to rain on everyone's parade, but how does this help us?" Tremaine asked. "Doesn't Pigsy have to take the Armor back with him?"
"Hey, who said I'm leavin' so soon?" Pigsy objected. "They just said I can't come back without the Armor, ya know? Not that I have to leave as soon as I get it. Besides, you schmucks need all the help you can get."
"You mean you're going to help?" Captain Black asked hopefully.
"Hey, I'm already in enough trouble for this stunt, might as well see it to the end. Besides, you're gonna need help figuring out how to manage this thing," Pigsy said, picking up the Armor and putting it back in its box. "Believe it or not, I've studied the Armor here and there. You'd be surprised what I know, ya know?"
"So we got the essence, we got the Armor, and we've got some more divine backup on top of it?" Jade summed up. "Sounds like a perfect victory to me! So, where's the jet? I already flew commercial once today, and that's once too many!"
Captain Black's eyes went wide, and he clapped a hand to his forehead. "Dang it!"
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Brother Tenzin struggled to avoid wiping the sweat from his brow, still trapped in the humid room, chanting along with his fellow monks. He finally broke to ask, "Do you think they're coming back?"
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PA2: And with that, the curtain closes on the Chans for now.
MP: But we won't let this story die! I promise! Until then, I'm also working on a fic based on the Tale Dark and Grimm trilogy, called A Grimm Reunion. It'll be a fun story, weaving together fairy tales and poking fun while also exploring feelings. I had to delete it for now, but I'll be hard at work soon.
PA2: And the two of us are still going to be working together in the interim, even if we're not entirely sure what we'll end up writing. But we hope that whatever it is, you'll stop by and see what we come up with!
MP: And again, we WILL continue this story!
PA2: So until then, don't forget to fave, follow, and review!
MP: Reviews might convince PA2 to come back earlier!
PA2: They might! Strong feedback helps boost inspiration! But regardless be sure to tune in next time, which we hope will come before the end of 2023! See you then!