A Veela Family
Chapter 6: Letters
Severus sighed as he sunk back into the chair behind… his desk. The nightmare siblings had just left after a mighty rant about some of the students they wanted to punish. If you could call it punishment anyway. Most people would call it torture. And Severus was just very done with everything by that point.
It was the 4th of October and Severus was tired.
Tired of war. Tired of life. Tired of pain. Tired of memories.
Tired of everything really.
He glanced at the pile of letters with familiar handwritings that had been gathering and he had been keeping under wards that only he could see through the past, almost, month. Letters from Draco, Lucius and Harry.
Letters from his family that he couldn't bear to read.
He couldn't even bear the thought of going to see them.
Not even when he had found the bloody Diadem that the monster haunting them all had tainted with a shard of his soul.
"Severus, my boy-"
"How many times do I have to tell you that I am not your boy until you bloody listen to me?" Severus snarled at the portrait.
"Severus, there is no need to speak to me like that," Dumbledore said firmly, "I just want to know how Harry is doing with his task. And if there is anything I can help you with,"
"First of all, how the hell am I supposed to know how Potter is doing with his task? I killed you, remember? He doesn't trust or like me at all. He won't be coming to me for anything, especially not to tell me how it's going. Just like I doubt I will be able to give him that bloody information you thrusted on me last year. Because he won't trust me enough to come for answers, let alone believe me if I was able to tell him anything,
"Secondly, how the fuck are you supposed to help me? You are a portrait. You aren't able to do bugger all. You can't even go between frames, you are stuck in that one, and most of the time you are pretending to sleep. You can't do anything to help me so don't even bother offering," Severus seethed, standing from his seat, discreetly putting the pile of letters into his pocket and moving to head upstairs.
"He has many points there, Albus," Phineas said, a grin on his face.
"Shut up, Phineas," Dumbledore growled, "I just meant in terms of information, or moral support,"
Severus snorted, "So you can offer me information now that you're dead? What about Potter? Considering he is the bloody face of this thing he ought to have been able to know that information, too, don't you think?"
"Severus, there is no need for your attitude. It is your fault that you are here in this situation right now. Not mine. You are the one who became a Death Eater and wanted redemption. I gave you the opportunity to do so, out of the kindness of my heart. But you are the reason you are here right now, not me," Dumbledore said harshly.
Severus closed his eyes, taking deep shaky breaths to try and ride out the pain that filled him. The tears that threatened to spill.
"You never thought to ask why, did you?" Severus whispered.
"Why? I don't need to know why, Severus," Dumbledore said.
"All these years of looking at my memories, and yet for some reason it never clicked for you that I never actually wanted to be a Death Eater," Severus said, turning to the portrait of the old man he had killed against his will as the room went silent, "And perhaps I wouldn't have felt it my only option if someone, some adult, in this bloody school actually gave a shit about the children they are charged with protecting. If you had done your job as a headmaster and protected me, protected other children, then perhaps you wouldn't have been killed as you were, by me. Perhaps the war would have ended long ago. Properly. And not because a baby had to lose his parents and be riddled with crippling fame, manipulation, and abuse,"
"I have no clue what you are talking about, Severus. I have always done the best I can to protect the students of this school,"
"The Gryffindors, maybe. Although, the recent batch aren't very protected, are they? They are fighting a war they have no place in. They are fighting against adults twice or more their age, with plentiful experience, and the students haven't even finished their education. Not that their education has been particularly good, especially in Defence. But you have done bugger all to protect anyone, especially the children of this school,
"In any case, I never wanted this. I never wanted to be a Death Eater. I was a half-blood, with a muggleborn best friend, at perhaps the worst time to be those things in the House I was sorted into. And yet, like every eleven year old sorted into Slytherin, you and everyone else assumed I was evil. At eleven. Despite proof that it wasn't just Slytherins who became Death Eaters, you still believed every child in that house capable of evil. And therefore, we are unworthy of protecting, of saving, of anything,
"To the point where your four favourite Gryffindors were able to bully me relentlessly for our whole schooling. Even to the point where one of them tried to kill me with another one of them. And all four of them participated in gang raping me, multiple times, in front of crowds of other students that just laughed along as if it was an okay thing to do. And yet, did those four who had proved themselves to be bad people, ever get punished for their actual crimes? No. I got punished instead. And yes, I pranked them in return, occasionally. Not nearly as often as they did to me, though, and not nearly as terribly as they did to me, either. But I was always the evil one, right? Because I'm a Slytherin. Even though one of them actually did become a Death Eater. I'm the evil one,
"I never wanted to be a Death Eater. No matter what anyone said or believed about me, I never wanted it. I always refused, even when my own Housemates were hurting me to try and get me to comply to their wishes. Every fucking time, I said no. I said no. But if you want to know what finally changed my fucking mind, then I will tell you. I will tell you why I went against everything I fucking believed in, to become the one thing I never wanted to be-"
"I know, Severus," Dumbledore said, a glint in his eyes, and Severus looked at him in shock, "I know you did it to stop Abraxas Malfoy from using you for your bearing abilities after he caused a miscarriage by torturing you when you were sixteen. I know you were pregnant with one of the Marauder's baby's. I know everything. And yet, that doesn't change the fact that you were reading about the Dark Arts, and according to many rumours, using them on first years,"
"So you know I never wanted this?"
"I know you were using the Dark Arts,"
"I never used them," Severus said fiercely, "Especially not on the students. Those rumours were spread by Sirius Black, can he really be trusted with information about me given everything he did to me?"
"Fine, you were reading about them,"
"Yes, I was reading about them. So that I would know everything about them, and how to defend myself, and Lily, and everyone else from them. So that I could make counter curses. So that I understood what they were trying to do to me, and to everyone they didn't like. So that I could understand how to defend myself, and others from them. You can't truly master defence unless you know what the offense is. And sometimes the best defence is a good offense. So yes, I was reading about them. But only with the purpose to defend myself and others from them. I never wanted this. I never went on raids. The Dark Lord liked me for my potions. I never wanted to kill you. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted… I just wanted to be saved, protected, cared for,
"And you failed me. This school failed me. Your job is to protect the students, to make sure they are safe, both in these walls, and out of these walls. You knew what the Marauders were doing to me, and you didn't stop them. You praised them. You let them keep doing it. You knew I was being abused at home. And yet you did nothing to help me despite all your power and titles that would have allowed you to do so. You probably knew what the other Slytherins were doing to me also. And yet, nothing. If someone had given a shit, if someone had helped me when that was all I needed, then I wouldn't have become a Death Eater, because the event that led to me doing so wouldn't have happened. You failed the children of this country, the people of this country, over and over again, by not helping those in need when you had the power to do so. You are the reason this war has gone on so long as it has, because if it wasn't for you and your fucking games people wouldn't feel the need to become Death Eaters. There probably wouldn't be a Dark Lord, or Death Eaters in the first place if you had actually done your job,"
Dumbledore smirked, eyes twinkling despite him being in a portrait, and Severus stared at him in disbelief.
"You wanted this," Severus whispered.
Severus swept out of the office, into his personal quarters and he snatched up his bottle of firewhiskey, removing the cork and chugging some of it down, relishing in the burn it left that briefly numbed the pain whirling through his body, and the air as his magic escaped his hold on it somewhat.
He collapsed onto the sofa and stared up at the ceiling, trying to control his raging emotions and drown his sorrows as far away as he could. Not that anything worked. Not these days anyway.
Perhaps 'woe is me' wasn't a good attitude to have, and it certainly wasn't one he wanted to have either. Ever. But Merlin did he know that if any of the adults in his life at the time had just fucking helped him, with anything, rather than letting him be hurt by everyone and everything, then he knew he wouldn't be here, in this bloody mess of a life that he was living.
He knew it.
He would have kept fighting against his abusers.
He would have remained true to himself.
He wouldn't have become one of them.
He would be free.
He would be free.
There was a pecking at the window and he sighed, frustrated, as he saw the familiar black owl waiting there. He waved his hand and let the window open to him. He let the letter fall into his lap and the owl fly over to the perch that stood in the corner of the room to eat his fill of snacks, and drink water.
And he glanced down to see Harry's familiar chicken scratch.
He wanted to read it. He wanted to read all of them.
Merlin, he wanted to go home and be with them. Get away from all this bloody crap. Get away from the school that was meant to be home and yet only ever was hell to him. A prison. A place where Dumbledore could keep control over the most vulnerable of minds and play his precious games with the people he shouldn't want to control but did.
He just wanted everything to end.
He wanted the children to be safe.
He wanted to be safe.
He wanted this nightmare to be over.
All of it.
The memories. All of it.
Everything.
"Severus," a wistful voice said and Severus jumped, only for his eyes to widen at the beautiful golden spectre of a young woman in front of him, looking at him with sorrowful eyes.
"W-who are you?" Severus asked quietly.
She smiled at him, her magic wisping through the air delicately, seemingly intertwining with his which he noticed was also seeping out of him. And didn't that worry him to the core.
"Don't worry, Severus, your magic is fine," she said gently, "I am Hogwarts," her nose crinkled slightly, but she still smiled brightly as he looked at her in shock and awe.
"H-how..?"
"You. The children who have passed through my walls over the years. All of you leave me tiny imprints of your energy, your magic, and it helps me to keep my sentience. And sometimes I am able to do more than just make things move, like become a ghost, and help people who need it, and protect everyone. Especially when one of my favourite students are hurting, or their magic is going a bit haywire," she said.
Severus snorted, "How can I possibly be one of your favourite students?"
"For many reasons, Severus. You are you. You are smart, cunning, creative, ambitious, brave, loyal. All the best things. You never give up-"
"I always give up,"
"No, you don't," she said patiently, "You haven't given up on life, Severus. Not yet. You haven't given up on the children. The most vulnerable members of society. The ones who most deserve our protection, you protect them when everyone else doesn't,"
"I hurt them,"
"You don't want to. You are forced to by contracts and positions above anyone's ability to revoke until the Dark Lord is downed. And you are hurt, Severus. Because of things you had no control over. Because of things the teachers should have protected you from. Because of memories you would rather not have. Memories you don't deserve to have. No one taught you how to be a good teacher, you were thrusted into it by force, without a choice, without a voice. And no one had taught you how to be good because no one was good to you. But despite all of that, you do more to protect the children in this school than anyone else does. As much as it pains me to admit it, the staff have gotten rather lax over the years in one of their most important duties. But you haven't. Even when you were a student you were protecting the younger years as much as you could. In all the Houses,
"You have done your best, given everything you have been through. And I am so proud of you, Severus. And I am so sorry that you have been hurt in the ways you have been. I am sorry I couldn't protect you before now, but, well, the old man put things in place to stop me coming to the aid of people, and your magic wasn't expressed enough before now. But I am here, and I know, Severus, I know that one day this will all be over. You will be safe,"
"I will be dead,"
"Not if I, or your family, have anything to say about it. You will be happy one day, Severus, if you let yourself be. And you can make Hogwarts the Home you and I both know it should be, if you want to. But first, you need to read those letters and go and be with your family,"
"But, the students need me to somewhat protect them,"
"The siblings won't be an issue much longer, I assure you. Now that my magic is charged sufficiently, with your magic, with the magic of the children here right now, with everything, I will be making my presence known. I will kick out the two menaces, and make sure no more can come in. I will speak to the school on your behalf, and I will protect them all whilst you go home and recuperate with your family, Severus. A memory you have long since been fighting has been thrusted back upon you, and you are hurting. You need time to heal-"
"The Dark Lord-" he cut himself off as he felt a tingling sensation where his Dark Mark was.
It was powerful, and yet comforting. It was warm, and filled with hope, and love, and good things. Things he had never really experienced and yet had yearned for since he was a child.
And he looked at his now bare arm in shock, and awe, and pain. Tears welling as he saw the thing that tied him to the biggest mistake that kept him nearly safe, for a while anyway, was no longer there. It was gone.
Gone.
His arm was now just a pale expanse of skin and it both relieved and ached something fierce in him.
The thing that used to be his source of protection from more pain of the worst kind was gone.
He was free, somewhat.
But he was also not.
And it hurt.
But it also felt good.
So bloody good.
What the fuck was he supposed to do now?
"You can be yourself now, Severus. You can be you. The real you. But first, you need time to heal. Time to be with your family. And time to end this war with them,"
A thought crossed his mind as he tried desperately not to think of too much, "Harry. Can you help Harry? Can you remove the shard in him? Or do you know how we can?" he asked desperately.
"I can remove it if you bring him here, yes. There is a ritual room in the dungeons we can use. But I will warn you that there is a small chance of permanent death. However, if you also bring Dumbledore's wand and Harry brings that snitch he was left in the man's will, as well as his invisibility cloak, we will be able to lower those chances considerably. Supposing you and Draco allow him to disarm you both with the soul purpose of claiming Dumbledore's wand from you. Then your own wands will still work for you, but he will have ownership of Dumbledore's. And Tom won't be able to get his hands on it," she shivered slightly and Severus looked at her in confusion, "You will understand on the day, Severus, I promise. But know that I can remove it, his heart will stop, briefly, but he will come back, should all go well, which it most likely will,"
"What are the chances he stays dead?" Severus said sceptically.
"About five percent,"
Severus nodded, "I-I shall speak to them. But I… I don't,"
"Severus, it's okay," she knelt in front of him, placing surprisingly warm ghostly hands on his cheeks, "We can end this war, Severus. Together. We can keep the children safe. We can protect them, and love them, and cherish them the way children are meant to be. We can provide them with the home they deserve. And you can be happy, your family can be happy, too. You all just need to heal a bit first, and you need to be together to do that. Whether at your home, or here. You all need each other. And you especially need them right now, no matter how much it might hurt. No matter how much you might think yourself weak for being in pain, you need them. And you are not weak, either. You have been through too much in your short years. You are too traumatised. And that is okay. It is okay to not be okay, to need the help of others every now and then. To need, and want, a family. You'll be okay, Severus. Everything will be okay eventually, so long as we all work together, and help each other, and raise each other up from the ashes of the world that has been burnt for us by men who are far too power-hungry for anyone's greater good,"
"I can't just leave," Severus whispered painfully, "I need to protect them,"
"I know. I know you do, Severus. But you won't be up to protecting anyone if you don't give yourself at least a little bit of time to heal, to be with your growing family first. Just… I will protect the students, Severus. I will speak to them all. I will reveal all of the truth for you, so they know who you are. I will make sure they all know they have a choice, and that they will be protected no matter what they choose. I will make sure everyone in this castle is okay, whilst you take a well deserved break. Even if it is just for a week or two. Go home, speak to them, rest, heal a little, destroy the horcrux, then come back to me with them in tow and we can save Harry, and protect them all. And you. And win this mess of a war, together. Then we can all be happy, eventually,"
"I don't think happiness is for me," Severus muttered.
She smiled sadly at him, "Happiness is for everyone, Severus. Everyone who deserves it. And you do. And you will find it, I know you will. If you just open yourself up to it. I understand it will take time for you to do that, though. But I am sure your family will be able to help you,"
It was silent for a moment, Severus trying to breathe, to think, or not think. Anything really. He just wanted something. Peace. His family.
He wanted to heal.
He just didn't know how.
"Read those letters, Sev, and go home, even if only for a little while," she said softly before standing up and gliding regally over to the door, "I will look after the school and the students for you whilst you are away, I promise,"
Then she was gone. But the warmth wasn't.
His magic settled back down slowly, but it happened, and then he was reading the letters of his family with tears, and hope, and love, and everything filling him. He felt, somewhat distantly as the spectre of Hogwarts strengthened the wards with a mix of his and her magic, and as the Carrows were ejected, and he heard as everyone in the school was called to the Great Hall for a meeting. He felt love wash over him.
Dear Severus,
I know we don't really know each other all that well, we haven't had the opportunity to talk, truly, with each other, and for that I am both sorry for being someone you couldn't turn to, but also annoyed that I wasn't able to get to know you. I know bits of you now, from the memories I received from Lucius during that first month. And I know that you are a good man who has been through too much, more than even Lucius knows, definitely more than Draco and I do. But you are brave, so very brave for fighting through it all. For surviving. For helping my mate and kit in the ways that you have even through everything you were going through yourself.
For protecting me, and all the other students, despite everything you were going through yourself.
And I am proud of you. Because despite all the hate against you, from literally everyone, for literally no reason that you had control over, you have been fighting through it all. Fighting for us. And I thank you for your work, your protection, your care, even though you couldn't show it fully, in the ways I now know you wanted to.
I have been reading up on bearers, since I am one and I have hope that maybe… hopefully we'll be able to find some way to get rid of the leech inside me and end this bloody war. I know, and I understand, that the way you treated us was so very against you, your magic, your nature. And yet you did it anyway, to protect us, protect yourself, and to win this war for us.
I also understand, I guess, how much pain you must be in after what I can assume happened to you in the past. What the soul piece was talking about, I… If that ever happened to me I know it would probably kill me. And I'm sorry it happened to you, perhaps in the worst way. I'm sorry that it was my family that caused it. I'm sorry that it must hurt to even look at me, and remember. I'm sorry that you didn't get a chance to choose, to say no, to fight against those who hurt you like that. I'm sorry for everything.
I hope you come home soon. We all miss you, and Lucius is a mess worrying about you and how you're doing. We all are worried, of course, but Lucius feels particularly at fault for what happened to you in the past, and no matter what we say he won't stop blaming himself. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything, nothing is your fault either, but… know that we all just want to help you. To care for you. I have a weird urge to mother you, to be honest, but I think that might be because my bearer instincts have been getting stronger since my birthday. Not that I really noticed them all that much before, unless I saw a child getting hurt, but now it is a lot more prominent.
Anyhow, I… I know you aren't okay, and that is okay, but I hope you are doing as well as you can given everything. Please come home, though, when you can. Let us be your family. Let us support you. Let us love you. Because we want to do all of those things and more. We want you in our lives Severus, and not just to help us end this war, but because you are our family. You are you. And you are everything. Let us hold you up like you have been holding everyone else.
I hope to see you soon. If you ever want to talk then I am here for you. We all are. We might not truly understand everything you have battled, but we can lend an ear, a shoulder, our arms, or whatever else you need to help you at the time.
With love,
Always,
Harry.
Severus wasn't even really thinking as he walked to the fireplace and floo'd home.
"Sev," Lucius breathed the second he saw him stumble out of the floo, and then the blonde was walking over to him and wrapping him in his strong arms, and Severus was crumbling because Merlin knew he couldn't hold anything in anymore.
No matter how much he wanted to.
Because no one was supposed to know.
No one was supposed to know.
But now they knew.
And everything hurt.
And he couldn't hold it in no matter how hard he tried.
Everything was just too much.
Too bloody much.
Dumbledore.
The Dark Lord.
The war.
The staff.
The students.
The pain.
The memories.
Everything.
Lucius led him gently over to the sofa and let him cry into his shoulder, whispering soft words to him, apologies, everything. Holding him. And just letting him be.
Severus had to admit to himself that it felt rather freeing to just let everything go.
And yet he still wished he wasn't doing it.
Hiya, how are you?
I hope you all enjoyed this long chapter of emotions. What can I say, emotions are running high at the moment, and I really just kinda need a family to hold me together too, but I don't really have that, haha. We'll get there, I suppose. One day. I think. I hope. I don't know. Anyway, how do you think things are going to go now that Hogwarts herself is going to be helping them? What are everyone's reactions going to be? What are your thoughts? I will be interested in hearing what you all think so long as you are willing to share.
Anywho, I posted an essay/petition where I (un)officially explain why I think I should be cast as my favourite character, Severus Snape, in the new HBO series, despite the fact that I am a woman. It would mean a lot if you went and read it, but no pressure. It isn't going to lead to anything, unless, by some miracle, it goes viral, but it was fun to write. It is on my AO3, Maraudering_Paige. Feel free to go and check it out.
Also, I am working on some Spotify playlists for my fanfics, so if you can think of any songs you think work with the stories as they are so far, or where you think they are going, or songs that give you the vibes you get from the stories, then please do let me know and I will give them a listen, then potentially add them to the playlists. I will let you know as soon as they are ready, though it may take a few weeks because life.
I have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you are all welcome to join if you would like to and are able to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes and more. It is also where I have somewhat of an update schedule for my fics and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, in regards to fanfics, original works, and more things. So if you are interested in joining then I am more than happy to accept you all.
I also now have a TikTok and an Instagram for my fanfic writing escapades. The username is maraudering_paige on both of them so feel free to follow me, and we shall see how often and what kinds of content I can post when I can. But it is another way for me to keep you all up to date if you don't have Facebook and such, and for me to spread the word about other things I am working on and things I want to do and such. So yeah, feel free to join me on those if you are able.
And finally, if you like poems, then I write them and I have started a where you can read 1 or more poems every month depending on how many I have the time to post. You also get access to information about my original books I am working on before anyone else. For £2.22 a month. If you would like to join me over there and read some rants I call poems, and get updates on original work, then you may. My username over there is Paige_Makepeace. No pressure, by the way, you certainly do not have to if you can't or don't want to. I understand. I just thought it would be a cool thing to try. Any money made from this will go towards helping me write and publish the original novels I am working on. Including the one I am hoping to publish first which is a slow-burn, witchy, bisexual/lesbian enemies to lovers book.
If there are any other platforms you think I should join you all on then let me know and I will have a think.
I hope you are having an amazing day!
Kind regards,
Paige xx