Susie's True Soul

Frisk sobbed silently as they slowly soaked their sleeves with salt water and snot. It was gross, but they couldn't stop. Everything they'd been pushing down since their fight, since their return to Earth, even since they ran away. It was all conveyed with that single sentence.

Despite their grossness, Julia continued to watch them with a kind smile and open arms, "Would you like a hug?"

They didn't deserve it. They should have refused. Instead, they reached out, like a toddler, and let Julia pull them close.

They tried their best to not get Julia messy with their bodily fluids but she didn't let them wiggle away. She held them until the sobs that shook their body calmed and the tears fell more slowly. The crying continued, but they were able to breathe again when she let them go.

"Tell me what happened." Julia requested gently.

It caused some guilt to see the wet stain on the front of Julia's shirt. She didn't need that. It was a nice shirt and they'd gone and selfishly stained it with their gross face. She'd have to wear it until she went home or back to wherever she was staying to get a new shirt. They were disgusting.

Frisk brushed some more tears away from their eyes as Julia's statement registered. Surprisingly, their voice still worked. "I ran away. My parents wanted to send me away to a conversion camp. If they were going to send me away anyways, I figured I'd leave on my own terms. Go somewhere I chose, you know? I only meant to be gone for a week. Just long enough that they couldn't send me to that camp anymore. I planned it out, got what I needed with the allowance I saved, and took a bus to the closest national park."

Their breath hitched as they spoke, "After they told me about the camp, I stopped feeling anything. I couldn't care. When I got lost on the mountain, I only cared enough to survive and make sure that the park rangers never found me. I heard one of them on a radio saying that I'd been reported missing and that the police had tracked me to the area. I followed a path that wasn't marked with normal trail markers. It just had a sign telling me to Be Sure. I don't know what I was supposed to be sure of. I couldn't care enough to try."

That was a loaded statement. "Up that trail, I found a cave that gave me some shelter and a spring of fresh water. I could survive on that and the food I'd brought for the rest of the week, then head back. That was the plan. At least, that was the plan until I explored the cave. There was a hole at the back of the cave with some roots and vines around it. I couldn't see far enough into the hole to tell how deep it was or where the vines stopped. I told myself it wasn't safe and stayed away from it.

"Part of me was curious though. I told myself that I was curious because discovering the unknown was exciting. I told myself that I could take a look in the morning if I still wanted to know what was down there. I couldn't feel anything, so I justified my curiosity with innocent reasons. I know it wasn't true, but the lie was nice."

A few tears still fell, but they were slowly forcing themselves to calm down as they told their true story for the first time. "The sign said to Be Sure. I slept on the decision and decided to be adventurous in the morning. That's not quite true though. I knew there was a good chance I wouldn't come out of the cave. I couldn't see the bottom of the hole, but I thought the vines at least reached a good way down. I don't know whether I was going to let myself fall, or if I was going to find the bottom and get so lost I couldn't find my way back. The vines were solid, but they were wet. When I climbed in, I slipped and fell. As I fell, I still couldn't feel anything. I was about to die and I didn't care. Some part of me was sure about it."

Frisk took a slow, deep breath. "Then I woke up in the Underground. I was still empty until I got to Toriel's house. She took care of me. At some point, I accepted that I was alive and probably going to stay that way. I… haven't tried anything since, but sometimes I have thoughts about it." The admission was difficult, but something was compelling them to speak the honest truth.

Kindness pulsed from Julia's soul. The strange magic surrounded them, and Frisk wasn't sure that Julia was completely aware of it. She didn't seem to be reacting to her magic, in any case.

When they looked at their soul, Frisk could see the thinnest green lines spread across the bright red. They spread from a single point like a cracked window. Were there invisible cracks on their soul that they hadn't noticed before?

"I'm glad that you told me. And I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that by yourself." Julia said, "Have things been better since you came here?"

Frisk nodded, "Yeah. I still have thoughts sometimes, but it's been really nice here."

Julia smiled wide enough to show her teeth, "That's great to hear. Now, I think you should try to eat something. All this talking must have worked up an appetite, no?"

It was true. Frisk dug into their sandwich and finished off the cookie quickly. Just having a full stomach made them feel a bit better after crying and spilling their secret feelings.

"Are you feeling any better?" Julia asked.

Frisk nodded.

"No more empty feeling?"

They shook their head.

"Good. It looked like you needed a bit of Kindness to help you along. It is my pleasure to help." Julia said as she picked up the lunch dishes. She washed them in the sink even though the school has a dishwasher.

"My magic manifests as magic food, but filling someone's belly isn't the root of Kindness. True Kindness is, in my opinion, showing that you love or care for someone regardless of circumstance. Bad things happen to everyone, but a small gesture can go a long way at the worst of times." Julia explained, "Food is universally needed and universally appreciated. It's a good way to bridge the gap when you need to start a conversation with a stranger."

"Do you do this a lot?" Frisk asked.

"Not so often anymore. My husband is a priest at our community church. As his wife, I look after a large portion of the women. Mostly it's organizational duties and lending an ear or a helping hand. However, it meant more than that to me." Julia started, "I told you in my letter that I spent time in shelters after my time in the Underground. I saw men and women in the worst circumstances. Sometimes they had brought themselves that low, but more often they were victims of circumstance. In the Underground, I came to accept my role as a woman, but what I didn't explain is what exactly that meant to me. To me, becoming a woman was about embracing empathy, not about a specific role I need to play.

"The people I met and talked to helped me more than I could ever repay. Instead, I pay it forward. The idea of empathy and passing on Kindness was the root of my resolve to leave the Underground behind. I knew I could do more good on Earth than down below, as much as I felt for the monsters. In the end, that was my choice."

Julia paused before finishing her thought, "I sometimes wonder what I could have done for them if I had stayed behind. But then I look back at my life and I can't bring myself to regret it. I found a husband that I love and raised my children to be strong and independent. I haven't seen them in over a decade, sadly, but I've heard about my grandchildren. They are about your age now. Even if I don't ever see them, I'm happy to know that my choice brought new lives into the world. And my work for the church has bettered the lives of many who attend. If I had to do it again, I would make the same choice."

"I want to change my choice." Frisk said.

Julia chuckled softly, "Then you'll just have to find your way back. It's always harder to find your Door a second time, but it's certainly possible. I think you'll need to keep working at it though. As a red soul, I would wager that nothing short of pure determination with allow you to find it again."

"But I've been trying! I've been learning and planning! I'll get back, but it's hard to see what I need to do." They admitted. "I also want to help Susie find her Dark Fountain too."

"That's very kind of you. I'm sure that your friend appreciates it." Julia said. She moved towards Frisk and looked them directly in the eyes when she spoke, "Do your best to help her find the piece she's missing, okay?"

Frisk nodded. Sensing that the conversation was over, they stood up from the table and made to leave. As they were about to exit the kitchen, a question occurred to them.

"Julia? Can you see souls?"

"I cannot. Sometimes, I think I can feel my magic reaching out from my soul, and sometimes I can feel it when I'm reaching someone's heart. Despite that, I've never been able to see it to know for sure. I just have to have faith in my Kindness." She answered.

"Thank you. For everything." Frisk said before running off. They weren't feeling empty anymore. Taking a chance, they decided to see if Susie was in their room. They wanted to talk to her for real this time.

Whether it was luck or destiny, Susie was there. She was sitting at her desk and staring at the plate of cookies, lost in thought. Frisk wondered what sort of conversation she had with Julia. Was it as impactful as theirs was? Or was it just the two of them baking cookies and doing little else?

A quick glance at Susie's soul showed that the crack hadn't healed.

Steeling their resolve, they managed to greet Susie in the most nonconfrontational way they could think of.

"Hi."

Susie looked up in surprise. "Hi."

"Do you like the cookies?" They asked. It wouldn't do to jump right into their questions. They had to ease into it. Test how far they could go and stop when Susie says they've gone too far.

Susie grunted in response. Not a promising start.

"Julia told me you helped her make them. I tried one at lunch. You guys did a good job." Frisk said.

"She did all the work," Susie replied, "I just carried the ingredients and stirred when she asked."

"Still, they're really good."

Susie hummed.

"I didn't think you'd be interested in baking."

"I'm not. But I couldn't just stand there when some old lady is asking for help. Besides, it's not like it was hard or anything. I kinda missed that. Just helping people because I could." Susie commented, "I did that a lot in the Dark Worlds. Helping and stuff. Things that anyone could do. The Darkners appreciated it. Earth people, not so much."

Frisk made a soft noise to show that they understood. "You'll find your way back soon though. I'm sure of it."

"You don't get it, Frisk. I'm not going back." Susie clenched her fists and spoke calmly, "It's been years. I've spent hours every day training and working to make myself as ready as possible for the Fountains to find me. They haven't. At some point, I need to accept that it's not going to happen. I've been rejected. I need to accept the reality that I'm going to have to figure out what to make of myself on Earth."

Frisk opened their mouth to answer, but Susie continued.

"This is my last year in high school. College applications are due in like, a month if I want to go. My grades suck, so even if I did apply, I doubt I'd be accepted. There's no market for axe masters on Earth, and I'm not good enough at unarmed combat to try working for a martial arts studio. My prospects are dead end minimum wage jobs that depress people who belong to this world. I had my chance and I lost it. No amount of wishful thinking will change that."

Frisk couldn't see Susie's face very well. She was turned to the side and her hair was covering her eyes again. It was so out of character for Susie to be so resigned. She was a knight. She fights for everything and doesn't stop just because it's hard. Why was she giving up on herself?

"Who says you won't find a way back?" They challenged.

Susie snorted, "Common sense?"

"We're from Nonsense worlds. Common sense doesn't apply." Frisk argued.

"But we aren't in one now. Earth is firmly on the Logic axis. Common sense absolutely applies." Susie rebutted. "Besides, what does it matter to you? This has nothing to do with your life or your own goal to find the Underground again."

It hurt to hear Susie dismiss them. They had fought and agreed to leave each other alone, but Frisk still considered Susie a friend. "You matter to me. I don't want you to give up on your life just because you can't see the end."

Susie attempted to dismiss them, "It doesn't matter. I'll live on, grow old, and die at some old age when I can barely remember the Dark Worlds. That's just how it is. If I'm lucky, I'll even have a place to go and a job to start once I graduate."

That comment felt odd to Frisk, "I thought you said you had a mom? Can't you live with her when you leave? At least until you get a job so you can live on your own?"

Susie was quiet. "Like I said, if I'm lucky."

"But what does that mean?"

"It means that there may or may not be a place to return to." Susie answered. She tried to act indifferent, but the implications made that impossible.

Frisk had to consider their next question carefully. They thought about some of the comments Susie made two nights ago when she was provoking them. There was something they could ask that might provide some context. "Does… your mom miss you at all?"

Susie's response was immediate, "No." She didn't seem upset by it at all, "My mom never even reported me missing when I disappeared, and I was gone for a full Earth year. I'm not sure that she really noticed I was gone, to be honest. But that's not what I meant about not having a place to return to."

There was a long pause while Susie considered what to say next. After a moment, she turned in Frisk's direction, "Look, I'm only saying this because… someone said that I should try. My mom was arrested last month. I don't know what for, I didn't care enough to listen. I know she doesn't have enough in her account to cover the rent until I graduate. If I'm lucky, the landlord will take pity on me and not rent out the place until I get a job and start paying myself. Maybe they'll even keep the stuff inside. I'm not getting my hopes up though."

There wasn't much Frisk could say in response. In a few months, their friend could be homeless. The only solution would be to find a way back to the Dark Worlds, but she'd already given up on that. What could they do? "I'm sorry. Do you think that Eleanor might-"

"No. I won't trouble Miss Eleanor any more than I have to. She deserves better than that." Susie cut them off without accepting any argument.

"But-"

"No."

Frisk had to stop again to think about what to say next. Nothing they could think of seemed like it would help. There was no right answer. All they could do was slowly push forward and see if more information could lead to a solution. Well, slowly would be optimal. As it was, only one question was coming to mind, and it was fairly invasive.

"Is that what you meant when you said it didn't matter? That nothing matters?"

Another snort, "You could say that."

Frisk frowned. They were starting to get an uncomfortable feeling in their chest. Was this concern? Worry? "That's not a yes."

"No, it isn't."

"Could you tell me what you mean then?"

"Sure I could."

"Will you though?"

"Are you sure you want to know? Or are you just trying to be nice now so you don't feel guilty about running away when you can't fix the problem?" Susie challenged.

Before they had talked to Julia, Frisk might have felt inclined to argue back. That's what they did two nights ago. Now though, after seeing what a little kindness could do, they stood their ground and didn't react to the obvious provocation. They were determined to help their friend the right way this time.

"Maybe I can't help, but I can listen to you, and maybe we can figure something out. Maybe we can't. We won't know until we try though. No matter what, this time I won't run away."

Susie sighed and let herself speak, "The problem is that I can't be satisfied here. In the Dark Worlds, I mattered. I meant something. I was important, not just to my friends and my fiancée, but in general. I was a hero. My existance actually had a significant impact on the world. Here? I'm one of seven billion. Nothing I do matters. I could win the lottery tomorrow and I wouldn't matter. I could die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter. Ultimately, my life here is pointless and nothing I do will change that."

It was depressing and sad and a statement that, while Frisk understood it to a point, couldn't agree with.

"You matter to me."

"So? You're just one person? Are you arrogant enough to believe that you matter enough to make my existence meaningful just by caring?" Susie questioned. She didn't sound angry or sad. She sounded distant, as if she wasn't expecting them to argue back.

Unfortunately or fortunately, Frisk was determined. "No. But who cares about the rest of the world? There's seven billion people and if you're lucky, maybe a couple hundred will ever spend a lot of time with you, getting to know you and sharing memories. But all people are the same. They have a very small number of people that really matter to them. It doesn't matter how many people are in the world, because it's only those few that have an impact on their life."

Susie looked in their direction. She wasn't interrupting them, but she didn't seem convinced either.

Frisk continued, "Like, on a planet-wide scale, you can probably only name a few people who have a significant impact. Still, there's most of the rest of the world that have fulfilling lives. They get by because they have a few people who matter to them, and who they matter to in return. You lived here, even if you aren't going to stay, and you had an impact on at least one life. You matter to me. So even if you think your life here doesn't matter, it matters a lot to me.

"Your time here might not have been the best, but it was still your life. Earth might not matter to you, but it helped you become who you are, so I like to think that it, and whoever else was in your life, matter too. Even if life is pointless or meaningless, it still matters."

Frisk looked at Susie. They stared long and hard where they thought her eyes were. It was like a staring contest, but they couldn't tell if she blinked or not.

Suddenly, Susie started to laugh, "Hah! That's gotta be the dumbest argument I've ever heard. Mattering to someone means my life has value? Not a chance."

The comment stung, but Frisk wouldn't give up that easily, "Your life has value. I think your life has value wherever you are, even if you think it only matters in the Dark Worlds. We can agree to disagree about that, but your life has value and I refuse to accept otherwise."

"Don't be so serious. I'm just laughing about a bad situation. Doesn't mean anything." Susie tried to wave it off.

"Of course it does! You think you're not important just because you think you aren't the same person here that you are in the Dark World. You're still Susie. It's that simple." Frisk argued.

"Nah, it's not."

"How do you know?"

"Just do."

"And that's why you're giving up on going back?"

"Yyyyyeppppp."

In a moment of epiphany, a thought occurred to Frisk. It seemed like a stretch, but if they were right, maybe it could explain everything.

"What if you're right and you're wrong?" They asked.

"I know I'm right."

"Yeah, sure. Maybe you're right about being a different person here than in the Dark World. Maybe you're right about that being the reason you can't find a Dark Fountain to go back." Frisk began.

"Duh." Susie said. She moved her head as if she was rolling her eyes.

"But what if the reason you can't find one is because you're thinking about it all wrong."

Susie huffed, "You're not making sense."

"What if you can't find a Dark Fountain because you're thinking about yourself as Susie the human instead of Susie the badass monster knight?" Frisk asked.

"I know I'm a knight. That's why I train every day."

"But do you think of yourself as you are now? Or as you were in the Dark World?"

"Why would that make a difference?" Susie challenged, "Either way, I'm me."

"Julia said that it's harder to find your Door a second time than it was the first time. Maybe your Door is here, but it won't show itself because you don't see yourself as the monster you are. If you don't see yourself as the person who belongs in the Dark World, why would it let you back?"

Susie stopped completely. For several minutes, she stared into space as she processed the argument. Was it a valid argument? Did it make sense? Were there flaws in the logic? Most importantly, did it help Susie see who she was and what she means?

Frisk couldn't do anything in particular while Susie was working through this. The possible revelation seemed to be having an impact. Frisk walked over to her desk and took a cookie from the plate while gesturing for Susie to do the same. Whether she wanted a cookie or took one automatically, Frisk couldn't tell.

They used their magic to watch her soul. As she ate, green magic started to fill in the crack in her soul. Powering their words with determination, Frisk repeated their earlier sentiment. "No matter where you are, you matter and your life matters."

As they spoke, it almost seemed like they developed double vision. There were two Susies superimposed on each other. One was the human Susie that they were used to, and the other was a pink reptile with dark purple hair. She was wearing black clothes and she had a huge axe slung over her shoulder. The monster was grinning and staring straight at them with nothing blocking their gaze.

Human Susie seemed to be following the monster's example. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and took a proper look at Frisk for the first time in weeks.

"Hey Susie, when you were a monster, were you some kind of pink dragon?" Frisk asked.

Susie stared at them. "I wasn't a dragon. Reptilian, probably, but not a dragon. And yeah, my skin was pink. Why?"

"And… is that a little tail?"

Both human and monster Susie's blushed and reacted immediately, "I don't have a tail! What are you talking about?!"

"I can see you." Frisk said, "When I look at your soul, I see you as a monster."

"No duh, that's who I am." Susie replied. She paused for a second before reiterating the statement with true confidence, "That's who I am."

"I'm so happy to see the real you." Frisk told her. They were truly happy. Then they had a sudden thought. They needed to act quickly, just in case. "I want to add something to your letter. Pass it over."

Frisk quickly scribbled a postscript at the bottom and handed the envelope back to Susie, still unsealed. "Keep this on you. When you find the Dark Fountain, I want you to run straight into it and don't look back. When you see your chance to go home, take it."

"I will." Susie smiled at them while slipping the letting into her pocket. Quietly, she added "You matter to me too. You do the same."

No more words needed to be said. The roommates enjoyed the comfortable silence for a bit. This silence wasn't caused by people being quiet. This silence was the result of two people sharing and talking and finding a connection that no longer required words.

It was a long time coming, but Susie had finally accepted and reciprocated kindness.

When dinner approached, Frisk had the honour of watching a pink monster step into the black void beyond her doorway. True to her word, Susie didn't look back. She waved while walking into the darkness towards her future.

It was going to be lonely, living here without Susie. Still, Frisk had no regrets.

Dear Susie,

First, I want to say thank you for being the one to show me around the school when I got here. I had no idea what was going to happen and I was a bit scared, but you took care of me. You didn't have to be so nice to me, but you were and I appreciate it. Even if you say it was because Eleanor told you to, I like to think I know better.

Also, you look super badass when you train with your axe! The control you have is the most impressive I've ever seen. Your stance is so solid and the amount of strength it takes to hold a heavy weapon steady at arms length is nothing short of amazing. I can hold a knife steady at arms length for a minute or so, but I've seen you hold your axe out for up to five minutes! No wonder you said we couldn't train together. I'd probably die.

Never mind that though. I wanted to give you this letter to read for when you find your way back to the Dark Worlds or I find my way back to the Underground. Whichever one happens first. I'm willing to bet that you'll go home first, but maybe I'll be wrong.

Whether or not you agree, I consider you my friend. I hope that maybe I'm yours too. You helped me when I freaked out, and you never judged me for when I couldn't talk and you just accepted that I was telling the truth when I said I was NB. No one has ever done that before, and even though other kids here also treat me well, you were the first and that means a lot to me.

I haven't had friends in a really long time. You are the kind of person I always wanted as a friend. Even if we haven't talked much recently, I still think it's true.

We both know that Earth isn't where you belong. You have a better life waiting for you in the Dark Worlds. You have a finacée, a team, and a true best friend waiting for you to return to them. If I could, I would use the entirety of my soul's power to see it happen. But that's your world, and I have my own.

When the day comes that I never see you again, I want you to know that, even if it wasn't right for you, your life on Earth still mattered and meant something to someone. Even if I wasn't as important to you as you were to me, I hope that this letter can serve as a reminder. You mattered here, but you just didn't belong.

I will always remember you and tell the monsters that the monster from my original world who was better than all the humans combined. And I hope you remember me too. When you're old and you and your wife look back on your memories, I want you to have at least one good thing from Earth.

Earth isn't the rest of your life, nor is it your whole life, but it was still your childhood and fifteen plus years of experiences. When the opportunity comes, run towards the Dark Fountain and don't look back. Don't come back, but don't forget either. Even if you didn't like it here, Earth still changed you, and you changed it.

Your roommate (and friend?) Frisk

P.S. I know I said a lot about how your time on Earth mattered, but I only mean that what happened here helped you become who you are. Nothing that anyone else in your life did or was says anything about you. You are awesome, no matter the circumstances. Their choices and their actions are theirs, and that says nothing about you. To me, you are incredible.

Maybe if I let you read this sooner, we wouldn't have fought. I can't have regrets though. I will always remember you, so don't forget me either.