A/N: Thanks for reading and for the wonderful reviews! Sorry it took a while I went on vacation and got a puppy so I have been busy. This is the last chapter and then an epilogue next time. I decided not to pursue the story into the pathogen exposure as I just didn't have much inspiration to how to make it more than just repeating the show exactly - so that's why this story is almost over. I am so pleased with the response I've gotten to this story. I have another story that is similar in style to this one but takes place during Season 6 that I wrote a large portion of a while back and could keep working on if people are interested. Let me know!
Jack and Renee drove silently to the hospital that Dubaku was taken to. Jack had just confirmed that Larry and Chloe had been given the metal plate, which was a storage device, with all of the names on it. They were going through it now, starting with the FBI and making arrests. They already had two FBI agents on their floor.
"They got the drive and are making arrests," Jack told Renee who was staring in the distance at the hospital.
"That's all that matters, right Jack?" Renee questioned, coldly.
Jack was sick of her thinking that he didn't care about the woman who had died. Renee had been judging him the entire day and he was fed up. "I don't like what happened to Marika any more than you do. We did what was necessary. You better figure out a way to live with it."
"How, Jack? Pretend that it never happened?" Renee asked. "Is it that easy for you?"
Jack stared at her for a moment. It was that easy for him. But, he wasn't sure when it had become so easy. Every time he went back into the field, he became more and more detached. Jack walked away from her, not having a good response.
Wandering around the hospital, Jack thought about what he had said to Tony earlier that day. 'What the hell happened to you?' But the same could be said about him. When had he completely lost any trace of humanity? Sure, he had always been the guy to get things done. He was always willing to risk his own life and the lives of a few others if it was the best for the greater good. But, today? Today was the first day he didn't feel bad about it.
Jack returned back to Renee a little while later after getting an update from Chloe and saw her crying with Marika's sister. "Agent Walker?"
Renee marched down the hall to catch up to him.
"It's over. They have all of the names and have started moving to other agencies. The FBI will be in charge of making the arrests now that they've been cleared. It's over."
Jack thought this would help her. To know that they had been successful. That some good had come out of this.
"It's not over for Rosa," Renee whispered.
Jack tried one more time. "What happened to Marika was a tragedy. But, I'm not going to stand here and tell you what we did was wrong because we weren't. She made a choice. A brave one to get involved, but she made it."
"God, listen to yourself, Jack," Renee cried. "You don't even sound human. Don't you feel anything?"
"We had a job to do!" Jack insisted, hurt by her words, especially since he was thinking the same thing. He continued to try to defend himself. Perhaps he was trying to tell himself more than trying to convince her. "To protect the hundreds if not thousands of innocent lives that would not have had a choice if we let a terrorist attack take place. What we did wasn't wrong. It was necessary."
"I read your file," Renee called out to him as he tried to walk away. "When your wife was killed, did you feel that or did you just tell yourself that that was necessary? What about when you abandoned Audrey? Hell, the only time I've seen you feel anything today was with her. Is that why you left her? Because she actually makes you human? Can't have that kind of vulnerability?"
"What do you want from me?" Jack questioned, getting angry and turning around. There was nothing he could say to help her feel better, but she kept trying to talk to him about it. "What do you want from me?!"
"I just want to know that you feel the same kind of pain that I do!" Renee shouted at him as she walked back over to him. She got a foot away and slapped him on the cheek. "Do you feel that?"
She did it again and repeated herself, tears pouring out of her face. She wound up to hit him again and Jack took hold of her arm to stop her. She stopped struggling and broke into tears, putting her head on Jack's shoulder. She had completely broken down.
"It's all right," he comforted. He felt terrible for her. This morning she had been a by-the-book agent and now she had pushed the limits of right and wrong to save countless lives. And, Jack could tell, she knew it was the right thing to do. That she would never be able to go back to being that kind of agent again no matter how much she wanted to for the sake of her own conscience. He also knew that this change and her pain was because of him. Because he had pushed her to do these things. "You're going to be alright. You're going to learn to live with it."
Renee shot her head up and pushed him back. "What if I don't want to learn to live with it?"
Jack knew there were only two options. She would either quit being an agent or learn to suppress those feelings and get back on the job. And if she chose the latter, she would end up like him. Alone, broken, and unable to feel anything at all. Maybe she was better off leaving it all behind.
"Then quit," he told her. He turned around and walked out of the hospital. His work here was done and he had one free night before his Senate hearing resumed. He was going to spend the night reflecting on the things Renee had said to him. And if he was going to do that, he needed to go somewhere where he didn't feel like a monster. Somewhere where he was once happy.
"Audrey, have you spoken to Chloe?" Bill asked, looking for an update on the information taken off Dubaku.
"The FBI has made arrests within the bureau. They're now leading the charge on other agencies, starting with Secret Service."
"Good," Bill said. "I'll update the President. And then I'll drive you home."
"I'm not going home, Bill," Audrey said. "And, I'm leaving now. Not with you."
"Audrey," Bill sighed. "I'm sorry for what I said before. I was stressed."
"I think that only made you more truthful," Audrey said. "I get it. I'm not the most reliable person anymore. I've made a lot of mistakes."
"Mistakes that I should have forgiven," Bill apologized. "I understand what you've gone through. And I know your intentions. I shouldn't have doubted you. Let me drive you home."
Audrey shook her head. "Bill, our team is disbanded now. You shouldn't feel responsible for me now. I'm not sure why you ever did feel like it was your job to watch over me."
Bill nodded. "Because of Jack."
Audrey looked at him confused.
"When he was getting you back from the Chinese, he left a heart-wrenching message on my phone asking me to take care of you. He never planned on surviving and wanted to know you'd have someone looking out for you. I figured he would still want that, even when he left."
Audrey had tears in her eyes, not knowing that Jack had almost given his life for her. Not knowing that he had cared enough to assign someone to protect her. That whole day was still fuzzy.
"Will you wait for me to get back?" Bill pleaded, not wanting her to leave alone.
Audrey shook her head. "I have to find Jack."
"Audrey," Bill sighed. "Do you even know where he is?"
Audrey shrugged. "I have a good idea of where he might have gone."
"And if you find him," Bill started. "What if he doesn't want the same things you want? Will you be okay with that?"
Audrey bit her lip. "The only thing I really want is for him to say goodbye to me to my face. It's the thing that has driven me the most crazy over the past couple years. I need that closure."
"You call if you need me," Bill insisted. Audrey nodded and hugged him before heading out.
Audrey smiled when she saw Jack sitting exactly where she thought he'd be. He looked to be deep in thought, sitting on the steps of the National Mall, overlooking the Washington Monument, not that she could see his face as she was coming from up the steps behind him. The sky was a deep pink color with wispy clouds throughout. The sun illuminated the monument like a halo. She walked up next to him.
"The sky looks amazing," Audrey commented. Jack jumped, not expecting to hear Audrey beside him. He looked up at her, remembering her saying the same thing years ago when she had sat next to him and handed him coffee to watch the sunset with her. He smiled at her.
"Can I sit?" Audrey asked. Jack nodded and Audrey sat next to him.
"How'd you find me?"
"Oh, Jack," Audrey teased. "Other people might not think so, but you're predictable. I assumed today had you thinking about how your life has turned out. That maybe you'd be feeling like you wished you could go back in time and change things."
Jack looked at her and Audrey knew she was right.
"This was our spot. I remember eating lunch here all the time when we weren't traveling," Audrey reminded him. "Watching the sunset. Going for runs. I knew you'd come here. Not to mention your lack of tourism. You really didn't have many other places you cared for."
Jack smiled, knowing she was right. He sat silently, unsure of what to say to her. He could still hear Renee's words ringing through his head.
"Jack," Audrey whispered, seeing the wheels in his head turning rapidly. "You can talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. I want to listen."
Jack nodded, knowing that she was being genuine. She had always been the best listener. Back when they were dating, she had always gotten him to open up to her. She always had the best reactions to things he told her.
"Do you think I'm different now?" Jack asked her.
"Different how?"
"I let a woman be used as bait for finding Dubaku and she died."
"It's not the first time you've done something like that."
"It was the first time where I felt nothing about her death. Not an ounce of regret or sadness or anything really."
Audrey nodded in understanding. She realized what Jack was implying. That he had become completely emotionless. A quality that was meant to keep people human. "I think you feel something about it. Otherwise, you wouldn't be sitting here thinking about it."
"I feel guilty that I don't feel anything," Jack admitted. "That's the only thing I feel."
"I know you still have feelings, Jack. You felt bad when I had a panic attack earlier. You protected me when you didn't have to," Audrey reminded him.
"Guilt," Jack repeated. "I just felt guilty that you still have panic attacks from China. That being with me made you desperate enough to betray the country. All I feel is guilt."
"I made that decision. And, I made the decision to go to China. Not you."
"For me, though. I didn't deserve it."
Audrey shook her head. "You do deserve it. More than anyone."
Jack felt Audrey's hand land on his shoulder.
"I think you've been blocking out the pain for so long that you've just gotten too good at it. Maybe it's time to let yourself feel it."
Jack scoffed. "I'm not so sure that's a great idea."
Audrey shrugged. "Well, I'm not so sure that you'll feel anything at all until you do."
Jack knew she was right but the thought of actually dealing with all of his emotions was overwhelming. Had he ever even processed what had happened to him in China? Not really. Combing through his feelings bit by bit sounded like torture in itself. Audrey could feel Jack tensing as he tried to resist whatever was going on in his head. She gave his arm a gentle squeeze of comfort.
Jack clenched his jaw, wanting to ask her about something but not knowing if he really wanted the answer. "I did feel one thing today."
"What's that?" Audrey asked, curiously.
"Jealousy," Jack answered, making Audrey's heart drop in her chest. "What the hell was going on between you and Tony?"
"It's hard to explain," Audrey started, taking a deep breath.
"Try."
"Tony was helping me to try to find you in China," Audrey explained. "We became close. I trusted him and I confided in him. One day, he lied to me and showed me evidence that you had died in China. I was a wreck."
Jack watched her expressions closely. She pursed her lips and he saw tears come to her eyes as she mentioned that she thought he had died.
"Tony helped put me back together," Audrey said, tears now falling. She quickly wiped them away. "I didn't love him and I knew he'd never love me but we cared so deeply for each other and there was an understanding between us. It was comfortable and we never had to explain ourselves to one another because we just understood how the other felt. So, we were together like that for a while."
"What changed?" Jack asked.
"I found out you were still alive and that he had lied to me," Audrey explained.
10 months before Day 6
Tony walked into Audrey's apartment and heard drawers slamming from the bedroom. Something was wrong. He pulled out his gun from the waistband of his pants and held it out in front of him. He quietly made his way to the bedroom and turned the corner into the room.
Audrey jumped as Tony appeared, gun pointed at her. "Shit! You scared me."
Tony tucked away his gun. "What are you doing?"
Audrey was already turned away from him continuing what she was doing before. Packing.
"Are we going somewhere?" Tony asked, noticing that she was packing two bags, one for her and one for him. He stood behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing the side of her neck. She tensed in his arms and he released her. "What's wrong?"
She turned to face him. "Tony, we shouldn't. I - I - Jack is still alive."
Tony's face dropped.
"I didn't believe it at first but I have time-stamped evidence," Audrey insisted. "We're leaving for China tomorrow. We're going to get him out of there. He's really-"
Audrey studied Tony's face. He looked not only disappointed but didn't have a shred of surprise on his face. Audrey's mood changed immediately.
"Why do I get the feeling that you knew he wasn't dead?" Audrey asked, accusingly.
"Listen, Audrey, I can explain," Tony started.
"What the fuck, Tony?" Audrey exclaimed, shoving him in the chest.
"Emerson made me," Tony explained. "He said looking for Jack was taking up too much of my time and that you wouldn't stop until Jack was dead."
"No!" Audrey yelled, tears falling down her cheeks. "How could you?! How could you let me leave him there? He was your friend! I was your friend!"
"I'm sorry," Tony apologized. "But, there was never any way you could have saved him, Audrey. I hated seeing you suffer. And-"
"And you wanted to fuck me?!" Audrey accused. "That's what this was about? I wouldn't have slept with you unless I thought Jack was dead? That's disgusting!"
Tony reached out for her, trying to tell her it was more than just sex for him but Audrey slapped away his hands.
"I don't want to hear what you have to say," Audrey told him. "We leave tomorrow at nine."
"I can't come," Tony said. Audrey looked like she was about to slap him. "I have to do something for Emerson."
"You have a chance here to undo some of the bad you've done, Tony," Audrey told him. "You promised me you would help me find him. You already betrayed me once. Don't you dare do it again."
"I have to do this, Audrey," Tony insisted. "We can go for Jack next week but you don't understand, this mission is a huge step in getting revenge for Michelle."
"That is what you say every time," Audrey yelled. "And, it never gives you what you're looking for! It will never bring her back!"
"I know that! Of course, it won't. But-"
"Last week, you made a comment about seeing her again," Audrey remembered. "You said that if you died you would get to see her again. In Heaven."
"Yeah," Tony agreed.
"Well, tell me why you think you'd even be going to Heaven!" Audrey cried. "After everything you've done for Emerson, do you really think you'll see her again?"
Tony went silent.
"It's not too late though, Tony," Audrey insisted, her voice becoming more of a begging. "I believe that you can be forgiven for all of that. If you start doing good things. Like coming to China. Saving Jack. Please, Tony…"
"Maybe it's too late for me anyway," Tony decided.
"It's not," Audrey told him, stepping closer, their bodies falling naturally into a comforting hug. "I believe in you. I know you can do better. Please, Tony, help me get him back."
Tony hugged her tightly and nodded.
When Audrey woke up the next morning, Tony was no where to be found. Simply a note saying that Emerson needed him and that he would be back to help when he could. Audrey couldn't wait any longer. Not after waiting for so long doing nothing to try to find him. She couldn't see a scenario where Tony would actually come with her to China. She knew she had to go alone.
"I was so angry with him," Audrey explained. "It's why I went to China alone. Partially in hopes of getting you out, although I think I knew it'd be impossible without help. Maybe I knew something terrible would happen to me, but I didn't care. I just wanted the guilt to consume him."
Jack blinked, unsure of how to reply to this dark thought. He knew there was no way that Tony could possibly feel as guilty about Audrey's experience in China as he did. Audrey must have sensed that he was overthinking things and held onto his elbow and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Jack, why did you leave me?" Audrey whispered. "Why didn't you come back for me? I need to know."
Jack sighed. "Audrey, you were better off without me."
"No," Audrey huffed. "I wasn't."
Jack looked down at the scar on her wrist.
"I wanted to stay," Jack promised her. "But, you needed help that I couldn't give you. I was going to take you away from your father. Away from everyone. But, when I saw you lying in the bed at your father's beach house I knew I had to let you go. He could take care of you and I was in no shape financially or mentally to help you heal. Everything that happened to you was my fault. And, I left to protect you."
"You went to the beach house," Audrey whispered in realization. Her father had never mentioned that before. "He asked you to leave. Didn't he?"
"I don't blame him," Jack said. "I would have done the same if it were my daughter."
"Jack," Audrey said. "I don't blame you for what happened to me. I don't blame you for anything that has happened to me."
"Thank you," Jack whispered, kissing the top of her head, although he of course still blamed himself.
"Look, Jack, I want to say this because I didn't get the chance last time," Audrey started nervously. "And, it's okay if you don't feel that way anymore. I know a lot has changed. But, I still love you. I never stopped."
"Audrey, I-" Jack began but was interrupted by Audrey's phone ringing. He gestured for her to answer it. She answered it, standing up and pacing at the bottom of the stairs.
"I'm fine, Bill," Audrey said, with some annoyance at his hovering as she answered.
"Are you with Jack?" Bill asked.
"Yeah," Audrey confirmed.
"The Senate Committee meeting has been permanently canceled," Bill told her. "Maybe you could tell him the good news."
"How did that happen?" Audrey asked, a smile coming to her face.
"President Taylor managed to convince Mayer to drop it."
"Thanks, Bill," Audrey said before hanging up. Jack had stood and joined her at the bottom of the stairs.
"What did Bill want? Is everything going okay with arresting the people who worked with Dubaku?" Jack questioned.
"I assume so. He didn't say," Audrey answered. "Jack, Mayer has agreed to drop the investigation into you. You're not going to prison."
Jack looked at her confused. "Why?"
"I convinced President Taylor to vouch for you. She must have listened," Audrey said, while Jack still looked as though he didn't believe it. "You're a free man, Jack. What are you going to do with your second chance?"
Jack stepped forward and closed the space between him and Audrey, capturing her by surprise. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, trying to tell her how much he still loved her.