As usual, thanks to Mel, Kristen, and Pali for putting up with me. Major tinkering was had. All mistakes are mine.
*** Big Trigger Warning on this one*** Scroll to the bottom for the warning if you're worried.
Chapter 38.
The Uber ride to the hospital does not register in my mind at all, and suddenly we're at the ER and Coach is asking the front desk about Bella. Phil and Renee arrive minutes later. Renee cries when she hugs me. Phil just paces back and forth while having hushed conversations on his cell phone.
It takes a couple of hours, or more, I'm not sure, until a doctor gives an update. Phil makes sure the update is only given to him and Renee, but I eavesdrop all the same.
Malnourishment.
Anemia.
Severe exhaustion.
Abnormal heart rhythm.
They throw terms around while my head spins.
She needs to be admitted.
They can go see her.
"Family only," Phil says, to me…and Coach, asking her for Bella's stuff.
I sink into the waiting room chair. I am not moving. I am not leaving. Not until I can see her. Not until I know she's okay. Coach sits next to me. She's on the phone with her husband, I think. Then she calls Jasper. Updates him on the situation. Asks him to get Jessica and Newton to go over the entire routine with the team.
"Get McCarty on the phone, too," she says to Jasper, then I stop listening.
To distract myself and prevent me from going into a full-blown panic attack, I look at pictures of Bella on my phone. Of videos of us from last summer. From the start of the semester. I can't help but compare them to the recent ones. To the picture she posted of us in front of the bandshell yesterday.
How her cheekbones stick out. How there are dark shadows under her eyes, noticeable even with makeup on. How the bones of her shoulders jut out of her uniform. How her forearm looks so incredibly thin next to mine.
Her ribs, for fuck's sake, exposed in her midriff uniform. Her ribs.
It was all there in front of me. Slowly changing in the months we've been together. And while she seemed to be doing better in the past few weeks, it was evidently not enough.
I drop my phone onto my lap and lean forward, hiding my face in my hands.
Coach sets a hand on my back, patting me softly, saying it's going to be okay.
What the fuck does she know?
I should have done more to help Bella. I should have been more careful, more observant. How did this continue to happen right in front of my eyes?
Every time I've looked at her, touched her, been obviously attracted to her…has that reinforced some twisted expectation of what she thinks her body needs to look like?
"Did I do this to her?" The words just slip out of my mouth, muffled through my hands.
"Of course not," Coach says right away, her hand, still at my shoulder, squeezing with purpose.
"She has been eating." I look up and face Coach. "With me. Almost every meal. I've seen her eat. I thought she was doing better."
"I think she might have resorted to other methods." Her eyes are on mine as the wheels start turning in my head.
My world stops. "Like what? Puking?"
"Maybe…" Coach sighs. "Could be laxatives, too. We get creative."
I replay every time Bella has excused herself to the bathroom after eating.
Didn't raise a flag for me.
I feel like an absolute idiot.
"She said she was better," my words come out in a hopeless whisper. "That she had it under control." Tears pool in my eyes as I hide my face in my hands.
"It's a complex disease, Edward. It doesn't go away overnight."
No. It didn't go away overnight.
It got worse and worse.
Right under my fucking nose.
My feelings jumble together. Worry. Sadness. Anger.
I try to take a deep breath, but it does little to calm me down.
I turn to look at Coach. "Why didn't you stop her?!" I don't mean to raise my voice at her, but my words reverberate in the confined waiting room, frustration feeling heavy in my heart and pooling in my eyes.
"Hey," Coach warns, grabbing my hand in hers. "I feel guilty too, okay?" Her eyes water and she lets go of my hand, looking away from me as she runs her fingers under her eyes.
"You can't just make it stop," she says in a whisper, avoiding my eyes. "They have to want to get help on their own. We just need to help them see that."
"Bullshit," I say, not caring if I'm being disrespectful. "We should have done more."
Coach gets up from the chair without another word to me and paces around the room as the minutes pass.
I lean back on the chair and stare at the white ceiling, shining bright with the fluorescent lights. I sit and mull over every possible thing I could have done differently.
~.~.~
A few hours later, Renee comes out to meet us; Coach and I both rush to her. Her eyes are red and puffy. I see regret in there, guilt, too—but there's a numbness, a chill veil, covering it all up.
"She's stable," Renee starts. "They're moving her to a private room on the third floor. She is sleeping now, so you two should probably go back to the hotel." She starts retreating from us, leaving no room for discussion, but I've just about had it. I reach for her arm, my fingers clasp around her wrist, halting her step.
"Mrs. Dwyer," I plead. "Renee, please. Let me see her."
"I'm afraid that's not going to be possible, honey." She gently pulls her arm back as tears well in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she barely whispers, before turning around and walking away from me.
I turn to Coach in despair, hands in my hair. Coach's already collecting her bag, walking to me, and gesturing with her hand toward the door.
"I'm not leaving." I stay put.
"We're not leaving," she explains, pulling me by my arm.
"Then where are we going?" I ask in a huff. I don't mean to be a brat to Coach, but fuck… I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm worried sick, and I can't think straight. My head is pounding and the pressure in my chest gets worse and worse the longer I am away from Bella.
"Third floor," Coach says, unwavering, and I feel a small sense of relief, knowing that at least one of us seems to have an actual plan.
~.~.~
More hours pass.
I have no idea what time it is when Emmett shows up with Jasper. Coach gets up from the chair beside me and walks to Jasper while Emmett comes to sit with me.
"I'm supposed to tell you to come back with us to the hotel," he starts, dropping next to me with a huff.
"I'm not leaving," I've said it so many times, both out loud and in my head, that the words come out of my mouth in an automatic, devoid-of-emotion tone.
"That's what I told them."
"Then what?"
"I don't know, babe. I just brought you some stuff." He sets the backpack he's been carrying at my feet. "Some clothes, your toothbrush. Your charger. I don't fucking know, some stuff."
"Thank you," I say wholeheartedly, looking at him.
"Is Swan okay?" His eyes show concern as he clasps a hand on my shoulder.
"She's stable."
"Are you okay?"
I shrug. I don't have an answer to that. "I'm here."
"We got a 99.3 today. Highest score of the day." Distraction.
"Great."
"Finals tomorrow," he reminds me.
"You should go get some rest then," is what I tell him.
"You worked hard all year for this." Emmett's hand, still on my shoulder, gives me a little shake until I look at him.
"And?"
"And Bella is going to be okay."
I huff. He doesn't know that. Nobody knows that.
"Do you really think I could compete tomorrow while Bella is hospitalized?" It's a rhetorical question. I don't need an answer from him.
"I just don't want you to regret it," he says, releasing the hand on my shoulder. "That's all."
"I have a lot of regrets. Not competing tomorrow won't be one of them."
"Alrighty, then." He smacks his hands on his thighs before he gets up. "We'll make you proud."
"Good luck tomorrow." I get up and attempt to shake hands with him, but he pulls me into a hug.
"Do you want me to stay?" he whispers, squeezing me.
"Nah, it's fine."
"You sure?"
I nod, peeling his arms off me. He smiles and pats my shoulder before walking back to Jasper, then they both wave goodbye.
I grab the backpack Emmett brought and quickly head to the bathroom, change into regular clothes—I was still wearing my uniform for fuck's sake—and wash my face.
When I come back out, I'm surprised to find Coach Hale still here.
"We just need to outwait Phil," Coach says as I walk to her. "They can't both stay with her, right?"
"You can go, Coach. It's okay." I follow behind her as she heads to the sitting area. I want to tell her I'm sorry for blaming her for Bella's condition, for taking it out on her, but my brain isn't cooperating at the moment.
"I'm staying with you." She smiles, sitting, and patting a hand on the seat next to her.
"The team needs you tomorrow." I drop on the chair with a huff and try to stretch my neck and my shoulder to relieve some of the tension lodged in there.
"I'll be there for them in the morning," she says easily, her eyes on mine as she gives me a nudge in my arm.
I take a deep breath, nodding at her.
Just outwait Phil.
Then I'm sneaking in to see Bella.
Time drags. From our spot in the waiting room, we have a clear view of the hallway that leads to the patient rooms. Phil comes out a couple of times, talking quietly on his phone, then goes back inside.
I send a few embarrassing texts to Bella, just to pass the time. Even if her mom has the phone, I'm hoping Bella sees them when she wakes up and feels better.
I just wanted to say I love you ~E
And I'm here. Waiting for you to feel better so I can see you ~E
I can't wait to see you, Swan ~E
I love you ~E
Please text me when you wake up ~E
Whenever you can. I'll be here ~E
It's past midnight when Coach comes back with two small cups of cafeteria coffee. "Will you come to the hotel after you see her?"
I shake my head, that's not even up for discussion. "I'm not leaving without her."
She hands me a coffee and then sits next to me. "You guys did well today," she says after taking a sip. "You made me proud."
I try to smile and breathe through my nose, but don't say anything. In all honesty, I wish we hadn't done well. Not if it meant Bella pushing herself past her breaking point.
Coach Hale eventually dozes off next to me while my eyes are trained in the hallway, waiting for Phil to finally leave. When he does, I perk up. I'm surprised he doesn't even look up and takes the elevator without a glance our way.
The waiting room is quiet. The two nurses at the desk seem occupied behind their computers. I sneak past them and into the hallway Phil just came out of.
It's empty.
I breathe out in relief then rush through the hallway, to Bella's room, having memorized the door Phil came out of.
My hand pushes on the handle as carefully as possible, and it gives way under my palm with a small click. The room is dark and silent other than a machine beeping with Bella's heartbeats. I close the door behind me as quietly as I can manage, holding my breath without realizing it.
I step inside, past the bathroom, and into the room. The monitor next to Bella's bed spreads a blue haze on everything. Renee is on the couch under the window, softly snoring, a half-open bottle of pills and a styrofoam cup on the table next to her.
Then my eyes land on Bella.
Maybe it's just in my head, but she seems smaller somehow in this bed. Swimming in the hospital gown. Covered in blankets up to her chest. Her right arm is over the blankets, hooked to a line, the small tattoo on her arm barely visible under the tape. The dove bracelet I got her for her birthday, no longer on her wrist.
A precaution, probably. Or maybe Phil took it out of spite. Or maybe it just fell out…It had become too large and could easily slide out of her hand. I can't believe I didn't think more about that.
The knot in my throat is actually painful, as my eyes inspect the rest of her.
There is another line, with a single tube, that disappears into her nose.
Shit, is that a feeding tube?
I want to drop onto my knees and beg her to forgive me. For not realizing she was still struggling. For not doing more. For not helping her.
I walk with shaky legs closer to her and cover her hand with mine. Her fingers are ice cold.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, leaning down to her, planting my lips on her forehead while my eyes fill with tears. "I love you so much, Swan."
"Hey!" The hushed warning comes from behind me, and I turn, startled, wiping the tears from my face to find a nurse looking at me like she expected to find me. "You can't be in here."
"I'm sorry." I straighten up and step away from Bella, trying to collect myself. "I just wanted to see her."
"I know," the nurse says, gesturing to the door. "Her dad told me to call security if you tried anything."
"Please, don't. Don't call them." I take one look back at Bella then walk toward the door. "I'll go."
The nurse pats a hand on my back as we step out. "She's okay," she whispers next to me. "She needs to rest."
I breathe out in relief as she closes the door behind us.
"You look like you do, too." She places a hand on my back, leading me out of the hallway.
Coach is standing, looking worried, as the nurse and I step out into the waiting room.
"Phil's onto us," I say to Coach, and she huffs, as we sit down. "I'm going to stay until Bella wakes up. She'll talk to them, right?"
Coach just stares at me blankly, probably feeling sorry for me.
"She'll tell them she wants to see me, too," I add, decisively. "I want to be here when that happens."
"Okay…" She sighs, leaning back onto the chair.
"I promise it's fine. You can go. I won't do anything stupid. I hate to keep you from the team, and I know Bella would hate that too. You need to be there for them tomorrow."
Coach inspects my face, seeming to finally consider it. Then she nods and gathers her things, stopping in front of me with a warning clear in her eyes.
"When Phil comes back," she starts. "Do not engage with him. Anything you say to him, he'll use against both of you."
Phil can't touch me. I don't care what he tries with me. "Can he keep Bella off the team? Or out of school?" I still ask.
"I don't think Bella should be on any team right now, Edward." Coach sighs, looping her bag over her shoulder. "She needs to get this under control first."
"Right…"
"It's going to take a while."
"Right. Yes. I know." I close my eyes, rub a hand down my face. All I see is Bella.
I hear Coach sigh, and when I open my eyes, she's sitting back down next to me. "Phil does have connections though. With the NCA and several schools. You know that cheerleading is not covered under NCAA, so the regulations are iffy at best, and a lot of it is controlled by old white men with money."
"Like Phil?" I want to barf.
"Like Phil."
"What can I do?" I ask, even though I know the answer to my question.
"Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about that. For now, the only thing that matters is for Bella to get better. And hopefully, this would be enough of a wake-up call for her to realize that she needs professional help."
I nod in agreement, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees.
"Then, we will see. In any case, I think it's best for you not to antagonize Phil."
"I think it might be too late for that." I just stare at the hallway that leads to Bella with an exhale.
"You sure you don't want to come back with me?" Coach asks as she stands.
"Positive," I say, waving her off.
She sends a commiserate look my way, before turning around and exiting the waiting room.
Everything is quiet then.
I fight the sleep off my eyelids and wait.
Wait for Bella to text me. To call me. To tell me to come get her. To come running to me from that room.
Part of me wants to take her away. Far away.
Away from this place. Away from her parents. Where no one could hurt her anymore.
Then I sink in my chair. Because I know I can't take her away from herself. And I know that the help she needs, I can't give her.
So, then, I just wait.
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***Trigger warning: Graphic description of eating disorder.***
Hope you're still with me. Love ya! Ronnie