Chapter 41.
After I return from Forks, the week goes by in a blur.
The season is over. No more practices or training scheduled. I still beg Jasper for some sessions though, to keep me sane, to keep my mind from wandering. He happily obliges.
But as any student-athlete knows, the end of the season does not equal the end of the semester…at all.
I focus on studying and try to make up for all the time I spent in the gym at practice or training instead of the classroom. I manage, somehow, and when finals week arrives, I do okay.
I think I sleep fifteen hours straight after that.
On my last day in Ogden before returning home, Emmett convinces me to head over to the lake house with him and Vicky for the year-end party. All of the seniors are moving out, so it's a goodbye party of sorts.
I use it to say goodbye, too.
To my memories of Bella—on this couch on the first night we came into this house.
Or that room upstairs where we almost slept together for the first time…where we celebrated her birthday that night and ended up having to escape the police through the window.
Or the many times we swam in that lake while I was still trying to futilely keep my hands off of her.
"Are you planning to spend the whole night on the couch?" Emmett drops next to me, having managed to peel Vicky's lips from his. They're going through something, I think. She's heading home to Florida for the summer while Emmett and I will be back in Fort Collins.
"Yup," I say then shake my head when he extends one of the beers in his hands to me. He has been drinking all afternoon; I've abstained, knowing very well I'll be on driving duty while he sleeps it off tomorrow.
"C'mon, we're done with freshman year," he insists. "We made it, somehow. I think that's cause for celebration."
"Well, I don't want to celebrate." I look away from him. "I honestly just want to forget." I don't realize I say it out loud until it's too late.
"Duh…Liquid amnesia?" He waves the beer at me, and I just say fuck it. One night of indulgence won't turn me into my father. We clink beer bottles and tip them back.
"Listen," Emmett starts, his speech slurred. "I know you're feeling down 'cause of Swan, but I promise you, it's going to be okay."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah!" He turns to me, his cheeks flushed and his eyes in slits.
I take my phone from my pocket and open up my Instagram, search for Bella's profile, and show it to him. No picture. No posts. At least none visible to me.
"She blocked you?" Emmett's eyes go wide.
Maybe she blocked me. Maybe it was Phil. "Yup," I say, regardless.
"Fuck, man…" Emmett exhales, leaning back on the couch.
I don't show him the rest. How my texts to her appear as undelivered. How I had to open a new account under a fake name so I could at least see her.
She posted a picture recently after being silent since Daytona. She was smiling under the sun…at a patio, it looked like. Probably still at the inpatient center. The feeding tube was no longer in her nose. The caption said something about taking some time off to recharge. And letting her followers know she would be off social media for a while.
At least her followers get the courtesy to know that she's okay.
I haven't heard from her since Daytona. Not a call. Not a text.
Not even from Charlie. I had left my number for him with his wife, Sue, who was there when I woke up after passing out on their couch. She had a full plate of pancakes, with eggs and bacon, ready for me. She had dropped Charlie at the airport already and I had slept through the night. Then she sent me on my way with a cooler full of food and a broken heart.
"It's going to hurt for a bit, but then it'll be fine…" Emmett muses out loud, bringing me back to the present, and I don't know if I want to laugh or cry.
"You'll find someone new," he says, words slurring. "And then it won't hurt as much."
"I don't think you understand, Em." I sigh, picking at the thread of my jeans.
"What? That you loved her?"
"Not just that I love her…" I turn the beer in my hands. "I don't remember ever being truly happy before her. Like… what did I do before she came along?"
Emmett nods, eyes unfocused.
"Have you ever felt that way? Like she's the air or some shit. Like I can't breathe right, now that she's gone."
"No…" Emmett sighs, turning to look at our teammates dancing in the living room. Vicky's front and center, shaking her ass next to Jessica. "I don't think that happens for everyone."
"That's exactly my point." I down my beer, getting up for another. Then another. Then another. Until I'm feeling a little better. Or until I don't care as much. When James brings Jell-O shots out, I manage not to let it get to me. I try not to remember. I even down a few.
Fuck it, it's our last day on campus. I partake in the tequila as well.
When Jessica sits next to me and runs her fingers on my arm, I get up, ready to go.
Somehow, Emmett and Vicky end up trailing behind me as we stumble our way back to the dorms. I'm feeling a little wobbly, but when we pass the entrance to the canyon trail, I decide on a detour.
"Where you going?" Emmett calls behind me.
"Just saying goodbye to o—my bench." I almost said our. Almost.
"I'm coming with," he says while Vicky groans next to him.
We make it to the bench after a few stumbles, and then, there we are. With that fucking moon, bright between the mountains, mocking me.
"Do you see a fucking bunny?" I ask with a sarcastic laugh as they sit on the bench.
"Where?" Vicky, clueless, looks at the bushes.
"In the moon." I gesture at the thing with my hand.
"What?" Emmett lifts his head from Vicky's shoulder, trying to look at me.
"I didn't think so." I drop to the ground between them, resting my back against the bench.
I see the bunny now. It's right there.
I wonder if Bella can see the moon from wherever she is.
"Vicky?" I ask after a while.
"Yeah?"
"Have you talked to Bella?"
"Yeah," she says carefully.
"Is she okay?" I know I shouldn't ask. I know I shouldn't care. But it's all I ever think about.
"She's doing better."
Okay.
"Okay." I don't like the way it feels like the ground is swaying under me, so I get up. "Can I borrow your phone?"
"Why?"
"Please." I'm not above begging. Bella won't answer if I call from mine. Emmett looks at me, a worried expression on his face. "Your liquid amnesia doesn't work," I complain to him.
"Fine…I only have like 1%," Vicky warns, phone in hand.
I stumble a little as I try to walk away from them, looking for Bella's number on Vicky's phone. When I get to the cliff, at the summit of the canyon trail, I press the call button.
The line rings again and again, and then a click starts an automated message. It's not her voice. It's the standard one, asking me to leave a message after the beep.
Beep.
"Hey, it's me…uh…" I clear my throat. There's a lump in there that has not dislodged since I left Daytona. I kick some dirt under my feet, looking at the cliff under me, and try to take a deep breath. "Fuck, I don't know what I would have done if you had actually picked up."
I can hear my own breathing on the phone so I tell myself to calm down.
"I'm sorry that I'm calling so late," I start. "That I'm calling at all. Even after you told me not to. Even after you blocked my number and shit, but, um…I just wanted to let you know that…that I miss you. That I'll never feel about anyone the way I feel about you. I-I fucking love you, Swan." My voice breaks with the sob that's stuck in there, and I press my fingers to my eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help. That I made it worse. Uh…" I move the phone away from my face and try to gather in another breath but only manage a sniffle.
"I don't know if you'll ever get to hear this, but I understand, okay? You need to get better, and I can't be there with you. I can't do that with you. I can't help you through it. I get it. Just…" I pace back and forth, unsure of where to go or what else to do. "I just fucking miss you so much."
"I'm done with finals. I passed all my classes…I don't even know how. Coach said I'm getting a full scholarship next year. I'm just finding it hard to see the meaning of it all without you. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." I choke in a breath and look up at the moon and the fucking bunny in it.
"I just wanted to promise you that I'll be okay. Just get better, all right? And we'll be okay."
Tears spill from my eyes as I try to hang up, realizing that the phone is already off. I try to put it in my pocket, but it falls to the ground, and when I go to pick it up, I end up falling as well. I break my fall with my hands and roll onto my back, as I have practiced so well, as I am trained to do.
In almost every sport, it's crucial to learn how to fall. To avoid injuries. To protect yourself. To get back up and keep going. Falling in love is no different. If you do it recklessly, headfirst, and without thinking, then it can ruin you. I knew all of this—I've seen love gone wrong in my own home—so why the fuck did I let it happen to me?
I stare up at the trees and the dark sky above them, brightened by the splatter of stars and the incandescent moon, rethinking all of my life choices.
I decide then that I won't let this ruin me. I will make good on my promise to Bella. I'll be okay. I'll keep on going. I won't give up on what I've worked so hard for. And I only hope she'll be able to do the same.