Chapter 45.
I'm on dinner duty and grilling hot dogs outside when Bella appears with an empty tray. The strings of her bathing suit peek out from under her shirt, tied in a neat little bow behind her neck.
"Hi," she says, a timid smile on her face. "Just thought I'd help."
"Thank you." I stack hot dogs on the tray, keeping my eyes off of her, then return my attention to the grill. I hear her sigh, and I feel like a jerk, but when I look up, she's already gone.
My eyes are drawn to her like magnets. She's across the lawn, weaving her way through the rows of teammates already seated at the picnic tables. She catches me looking at her, and when I don't look away immediately, she gives me a broader smile, one less cautious, as she takes her seat.
I take a deep breath as my eyes trail down until they land on her full plate.
While I'm not ready to let myself get close to Bella—because I know the closer I get, the more I'll want—I don't want to be a jerk to her.
Boundaries, I remember. I just need some boundaries, so I can manage my own expectations. It's what Dr. Denali always tells me.
Looking at her doesn't hurt as much as I thought. Seeing her well—healthy—makes me feel good, makes my heart beat, makes me happy.
It's, after all, all I ever wanted.
When she starts blushing, I realize I'm still staring at her, so I stop.
Dinner is loud. Hectic. Everyone is preoccupied with what they'll do for the talent show.
The talent show is a tradition for the first night at Bear Lake. Luckily, this year, I'm only judging and not performing.
Emmett and Bella perform together. A dance choreography, I guess you could say. From a movie, I think. They're both in pink outfits, with blond wigs and fake boobs. I have a hard time keeping a straight face. It's honestly hilarious, and they win by a landslide.
Things calm down after the talent show, and teammates filter back into the house, to their rooms, to call it a night, hopefully.
I stay on one of the lawn chairs facing the lake, enjoying the peace and quiet, the breeze coming off the water. I start to actually consider that maybe the next year won't be so bad. Our team seems solid already—our bond will only strengthen as we spend more time together—so I'm feeling good about our chances this year.
"Babe?" Emmett stands next to my lawn chair, a few of our teammates behind him, Bella included, her hands intertwined in front of her. "We're going to stunt for a bit at the barn. Want to come?"
I feel Bella's eyes on me. It makes my neck burn.
"I think I'll pass," I say.
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
Boundaries.
They leave. I stare. Bella peeks at me over her shoulder, but I can't really read her expression clearly. I see so many things. Sadness. Disappointment. Understanding. Reluctance. A bit of everything.
Boundaries suck. This one in particular, because it means I miss out on stunting with her—with them.
I head to my room, annoyed, but quickly regret it. I'm not tired enough to sleep, but too convoluted to just relax.
So I head to the basement gym, expecting to find it empty, and I'm surprised when I find one other teammate there—Seth—working his ass off on the barbell bench.
"Hey…" I step closer, behind his head, helping him with the bar when he can't press it all the way to the pegs. "You shouldn't bench press alone," I say, even though that's what I was planning to do. "Especially something this heavy."
"Thank you," he says with a huff, sitting up. "I thought I had it." He wipes his forehead on his sleeve before rubbing his fingers on his shoulders.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm good." He perks up, lifting from the bench. "Want to do some sets together?"
I eye the piece of paper on top of his gym bag and recognize it immediately. I know that training plan like the back of my hand.
"You'll get bigger," I tell him, knowing exactly what he's going through. "But it takes time."
"I don't have a lot of time." Seth breathes out roughly. "I want to make mat at the end of the summer."
"You do have time, and as you've seen already: skill trumps muscle." I give him a friendly pat on his shoulder, and he seems to relax.
Seth reminds me of myself and when I first joined the team three years ago. Feeling I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or big enough.
And while I'm thankful for Bella and the support and encouragement she gave me through my first year here, I take credit for it myself as well. I've worked my ass off. I've become better at my craft than I ever expected—better than anyone ever expected.
Fuck, I want to stunt with Bella so bad.
I want to show her what I'm able to do.
But that's a slippery slope I'm not ready to die on yet.
Seth and I end up working out together for a while, and I very much welcome the distraction, even one as chatty as Seth, who seems to want to know everything about anything.
I am completely exhausted as we head back up, and while he takes the hallway to the back rooms, I have to walk across the living area to mine.
That's when I see her again.
She's sitting on the corner of the couch by the floor-to-ceiling windows, the moon reflecting off the dark lake behind her. Her feet are up on the cushion, knees bent, with a book propped on her thighs. The room is mostly dark, except for the light of the lamp on the side table next to Bella.
I freeze as her gaze comes up from her book, to me.
Looking at anything but her eyes, I notice the pillow and blanket next to her on the couch. Then my feet are moving closer to her instead of my room.
"Did you not get a bed?" I purposely did not look at the sleeping arrangements, not wanting to know—or think about—where she was going to be.
"I did," she explains, a soft smile brightening her face. "With Vicky. But she's got a visitor."
"Emmett?"
"Nope."
"Oh…"
"So, I'd rather stay on the couch." She gestures to the space next to her while my neck prickles.
"Are there no bunk beds available?"
"I don't think so. It's okay though, I don't mind."
My hand pulls at the back of my neck as I consider my options, which all seem to involve offering her my bed. Me taking the couch, or the floor, or…
"Hey, don't worry about it." She closes her book and sets it on the side table. "Could we please have a chat?"
"I'd rather not." I groan.
"Are you never going to stunt with me again?" she asks bluntly.
Then, I decide she can sleep on the couch, so I turn around to leave.
"Edward," she says behind me, and the next thing I know, she's standing in front of me. "Please, can we just talk?" She inches closer to me.
"Bella—" I take a matching step back. The closer she gets, the weaker I feel inside.
"Just let me explain, please."
"I don't want to talk about it."
She sighs, and when her eyes water, I groan.
"Don't make me be a jerk." The words come out between my teeth. "Just take my bed. I'll find a new arrangement tomorrow."
"I don't care about the bed." She wipes her tears and then crosses her arms over her chest. So fucking stubborn. "I just want to talk."
"And I just told you, I don't want to talk. So, can you just…" I wave my arms to the direction of my door, shocked when she sighs and walks ahead of me.
Emmett is, not surprisingly, not in bed, so I turn the lights on and Bella follows me inside. I gesture to my bed and she sits on it, her eyes following me around as I gather some of my things.
"You're not staying?" The tiny whisper comes from my bed.
"Of course not," I whisper back, and before I can say anything else, she's off the bed and rushing to stop me at the door. "I still have to shower and…" I look for other excuses, quickly giving up. "I'll just take the couch, okay?"
"Edward…" She steps in front of me as I walk out into the hallway. "Please."
"No, Bella, stop it!" My voice raises and she flinches back. I take a deep breath and try to calm down. "I can't do this," I say, spent.
She stays quiet, her eyes relentless on me.
"I don't want to talk, and I don't want to be friendly. I'm not going to sit next to you at dinner or on the fucking bus, okay?"
She looks down to hide her tears from me. "Okay," she says in barely a whisper.
"I'm trying my damn hardest so that we can be teammates, Bella, but that's it. That's all I can do."
She wipes her tears, still looking down, while her head softly nods.
"Having you here like the last two years were nothing fucking hurts. So you need to back off and give me some space." It feels so fucking good to tell her.
What doesn't feel good is the pain I can see my words cause in her.
She doesn't say anything else. Instead, she takes a step back, then another, finally giving me some breathing room.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers then scurries into the room.
It takes me a couple of seconds until I am able to breathe a little easier.
I leave after that, line drawn in the sand, keeping her on her side and me on mine.
Then, I regret all of it.