Chapter 46.
I don't regret telling Bella how I feel.
I don't regret asking her for space.
I guess I don't know what it is I fucking regret.
Maybe the sad look on her face.
Or what it feels like to not be able to comfort her.
I shower. Cold. Not that it helps. Then I doze on and off all night on the couch.
In the morning, I find the light of my room on, Emmett sitting on his bed, fingers rubbing his eyes. By the looks of things, he's still in last night's clothes, while Bella is nowhere to be found.
I must have dozed off more than I thought, to miss both Emmett coming back and Bella leaving.
"Morning," I say to Emmett.
"Morning." He yawns, leaning back on the bed, but a cheeky smile stretches on his lips. "I haven't been to sleep yet."
"Oh?" I'd recognize that grin anywhere. Bella said someone else was with Vicky last night, so I wonder if Emmett has found a new teammate to fixate on.
"We stayed up all night." His smile spreads wider, proud even. "Just talking."
Oh. "With Coach?" I ask in surprise.
He nods, still smiling, stretching his back.
"Did anything change?" I seriously doubt he would have been able to wear Rosalie down, but the gloomy Emmett from yesterday—the one who wanted to transfer programs—is long gone. Must have been some good talk.
"Yes and no…" He chuckles, shaking his head. "I mean, I'm still friend-zoned as fuck, if that…but…I've decided that I don't mind playing the long game because it's going to be so worth it."
"Okay…" I smile. That makes more sense. Maybe she wore him down.
I stifle a yawn into my arm, feeling my shoulders sag. I'm happy for him, sure—for them—but yesterday we were both in here sharing our despair for the upcoming year, and now he's all renewed hope, and I'm still feeling fucking blindsided and annoyed.
"You were right," Em continues, his eyes inspecting mine. "That kind of connection doesn't happen with just anyone."
"When did I say that?"
"Back when…" He pauses, eyeing me carefully. "You know."
Right.
Back when Bella left.
Because apparently the way I felt about Bella made Emmett realize that something was missing in his life. He broke up with Vicky shortly after that. I didn't realize then that he planned to pursue Rosalie seriously.
I flop on my bed, regretting it immediately.
Bella's everywhere.
Her scent hits me like a freight train.
Shea butter.
On my pillow. My sheets. My comforter.
I sit up with a groan, scooting to the edge of the bed, elbows on knees, and find Emmett's eyes on me.
"So, Swan slept in your bed," he says, matter-of-factly.
"I know."
"I guess that explains you sleeping on the couch."
I scrub a hand down my face, looking down.
"Did you talk?"
I just shake my head in response.
"Are you not going to let her explain?"
"What's it to you?!" I snap. Tired and done.
"Hey, I'm one hundred percent on your side on this."
Yeah, right.
I just huff and he gets up from his bed and walks over to mine.
"I am," he says, his hand on my shoulder pushing me back so I look at him.
"Doesn't really seem like it," I say, without thinking. I know he's not one to hold grudges, and Bella really hasn't done anything to him.
"Why? 'Cause I'm stunting with her?"
"Just forget it, Em." I shake his hand off my shoulder, and he sighs.
"No." The mattress dips next to me as he sits. "What do you need from me? How can I support you through this? 'Cause, you always know what to say to me, but I feel like a shitty friend every time you need my help."
"I don't need your help. It's okay." I turn to him and smile because there's clear concern in his face and maybe I shouldn't have snapped at him. "And you're not a shitty friend. You've been there for me this whole time."
"Okay, but, do you hate her and want me to shun her?"
I chuckle softly, shaking my head.
"Do you want me to stop stunting with her? I just assumed she and I would get paired up, since you don't want to stunt with her. Unless you want her with Newton—he's been after her like a puppy—I'm sure he'll happily oblige."
"Fuck Newton." He'd drop her on her head. Just the thought of his inadequate hands on her makes me fume.
"I figured," Emmett says, his hand on my shoulder again. "I know she left, and that was shitty, but—"
I groan again, my head dropping between my shoulders.
"But now she's back and on our team again, and I don't think avoiding her is the way to go, 'cause look at you." Emmett's fingers squeeze my shoulder, shaking me a little. "Don't you want to know what happened? I know I would, but she won't talk to me or anyone about it. Not until she talks to you."
I don't say anything, so Emmett keeps going. "Maybe it would help, you know? To hear her out? See what she has to say. And then you can either move on or decide whatever it is you want to do…"
"I think I just need some time." I sigh, lifting my head.
"Okay, we have time." Emmett releases my shoulder, standing up. "We have the whole fucking summer."
Emmett paces back and forth in our room, throwing things into his gym bag, getting ready for the day. I eye my phone and see it's time for me to do the same.
Zipping his bag closed, he turns to look at me. "Once you can tolerate being her teammate again, we are going to win the whole fucking thing."
~.~.~
I check in with Jasper before we head out for another full day of retreat activities planned. When I ask him about Bella and her sleeping arrangements, he says she talked to him earlier, and they figured out a space for her for the remainder of the weekend.
Great, I guess.
During breakfast, Bella passes by me, says nothing, and sits at the table farthest from me. She looks up as she eats, finding my eyes already on her.
I don't know what I expected to see in her eyes. Anger? Hurt?
I find none of those things.
Instead, she smiles, sweetly, and takes another forkful of her pancakes.
Like she's okay with our new arrangement.
What surprises me the most is that I smile, too, at ease and with a nod, then focus on the activities for the day.
A hiking trip. A paddle board race. Lunch and games. Campfire and smores by the shore at dusk.
Bella gives me space, just as I asked her. She stays at a distance. Even when my eyes keep finding her. Even when I'm not so sure I really want her to stay away at all.
Without her pushing me, it somehow gets much worse—unfairly so.
After dinner, I join the group that heads to the barn. I stunt with Vicky. I stunt with Jessica. I do all of this while I pretend not to notice all the stunts Emmett hits with Bella.
At least he keeps Newton off of her.
They both show off and my hands itch to throw her.
It takes everything I have not to.
It's all so fucking unfair.
When night time arrives, I find myself in my bed all alone after another cold shower, thoroughly frustrated with myself, wishing I was strong enough to stretch my boundaries so that I could at least stunt with her.
Sunday comes and goes. Much of the same.
I watch as she helps Seth, giving him pointers. As she stunts with Em and pretty much everyone else on the team.
Everyone, but me. Of course.
She's not come up to me once.
She's respected my wishes to not try to talk to me. To not push.
I guess be careful what you wish for.
I still don't feel like I could talk to her. But there's a part of me that wants to show her that even though she broke my heart, she didn't break me completely.
In reality, or at least physically, I'm stronger than ever.
I start to think about how it would feel to stunt with her again.
After watching her since she's been back. I've analyzed her every move. Sometimes, finding my hands doing the moves on their own, as I watch her stunt with someone else.
We'd still be compatible in our skills. I could throw her so much better than Emmett.
Would that connection still be there? Could we just keep it professional?
With us stunting together, we could finally win the whole fucking thing.
The night is long. The sleep is nonexistent. But my will is recharged. And my mind is changed.
On Monday morning, when we board the bus for our ride back, I swiftly take the seat next to Bella. Her expression is wary at first, but then her face shines.
"I'm sorry if I was harsh on Friday night, but I needed to say what I said," I start.
"You don't need to apologize. I understand," she says softly. "I'll give you space. I'll respect that."
Okay. I breathe.
"I want to stunt with you." My words bring a smile to her face and hope to my chest. "On one condition."
"Anything," she says at once.
"We don't talk about the past." My words make her face fall. "We keep things professional."
"Edward—"
"That's my only condition."
"Okay," she agrees with a tentative nod and a sigh.
"Deal?" I extend my hand to her, and my whole arm burns as she presses her palm to mine, then her fingers give mine a little squeeze.
"Deal."
I shake her hand and lift up from the seat, then head to the back of the bus to sit with Emmett.
Boundaries, stretchy little things.