Chapter 48.
Back at the gym. Who even knows what time it is.
I don't even know if I can hit a triple. Not right now. Not with everything Bella's just confessed running through my head. But I needed to give myself something to do, and the triple was the first thing I could think of.
We don't get far with it though. We're both exhausted. Both distracted.
Our last attempt ends in a near fall, and I barely catch her by her legs.
"I'm okay," she announces, through a giggle, while still dangling upside down from my hands. I set her down with a huff.
That was close. Too close.
She shakes it off and stands in front of me again, fixing her ponytail.
I take a deep, stubborn breath.
It doesn't look like she wants to stop, and fuck, neither do I.
We try again.
She spins, but I completely miss her feet. I barely manage to catch her, but not before her knee also catches my face, right on my nose.
We go down together, my body under hers, breaking her fall.
"Are you okay?" I ask with my eyes closed, my face throbbing.
"Yeah…" She softly laughs as she rolls off of me.
"Sorry about that," I say as I sit up. She smiles at first but then frowns as her eyes land on my nose.
"Oh no!" Her hand reaches for my face as I feel the gush of blood stream from my nose.
"Ah, shit…" I instinctively run my hand under it, smearing blood everywhere.
Bella is up in the next second, extending a hand down for me. She guides us back to the locker rooms and to the sinks. She grabs some tissues and presses them against my nose, her lips pouting in concentration, while my eyes train on her.
"Ugh, it's still going." She huffs, eyebrows scrunched in the middle.
"I'm okay," I say softly.
"Just wait here and hold this," she instructs, switching the blood-covered tissues for a fresh new bunch. She rushes out of the locker room and comes back with her bag in her hands, already rummaging inside.
"This might help," she says as she takes out her green toiletry bag from inside, setting both on the counter, before hopping on it herself. "Let me see." She peels the tissues from my face, while I suppress a wince. "Yeah, it's still bleeding quite a bit."
"It's fine," I say again, even though I'm in some sort of daze, with her fingers lingering on my face, with her eyes wide, worried, and on mine.
"Are you opposed to using one of these?" She smiles, unzipping the little green bag and extricating a small, plastic-wrapped stick from it. It takes me a second to realize what it is.
"Oh…"
"Yeah, I get periods now," she blurts out, laughing nervously.
It takes me a few seconds to find any words.
"Sorry," she says, the stick still in her hands. "I didn't mean to weird you out."
"I'm not…weirded out."
"I can't believe I used to think not getting a period was normal," she says easily as she opens the plastic wrap. "My mom used to say I wasn't missing anything, and I guess she was right. Or maybe I was just naive."
"Your mom was not right," I say, grabbing onto her arm, by her elbow, sending shivers up mine. "She was incredibly neglectful."
"That too."
"What they did to you was awful, Bella. You did not deserve that. No one does."
She smiles sadly, looking up at me.
"But I'm glad you're doing better." On its own, my hand reaches for her face, my fingers brushing her hair back. She leans into it, into my palm, and breathes out softly as she closes her eyes.
I drop my hand reluctantly with a groan. The closer I get, the more I want.
"I am," she says, her eyes back on mine. "I still struggle sometimes, but I take it day by day. I go to therapy now." She smiles proudly, and it makes my heart skip a beat.
"That's really great, Bella," I say honestly, pushing back and away from her a bit. "I go to therapy too."
"You do?" Her smile widens.
"Apparently, I have anxiety." I shrug.
"You didn't know you have anxiety?"
"You thought I had anxiety?" I ask, and she laughs.
"I mean, I figured you did."
"Well, thanks for telling me." I chuckle, shaking my head. "I never knew what to call it."
"Does it help? The therapy?"
"Sure, it does." I try to breathe a little deeper but my nose is fucked up. "I do yoga and meditation, too."
"Okay, we totally need to try some yoga together."
I can see it. I can see everything. Us training together. Going to yoga. Going on hikes. I can see us together, and it feels…so good. So terrifyingly good.
"Here." She pushes the cotton stick out of the plastic until the string pops out, then she holds it in front of me.
"I don't think I need it," I say, wincing a little as I inspect my nose. It's sore as fuck, and I'll probably get a black eye, but it's not really bleeding anymore.
"All right." Bella grabs the tissues and the tampon in her hand and tosses them into the bin. Then she turns to me and runs her thumb on my cheek. My eyes close involuntarily.
"Bella?" I ask softly and she hums. She's still sitting on the counter, right in front of me. "I think I need some time to process all of this. You being back… Us…"
When I open my eyes, I see the realization swim in hers. "I understand," she says. I don't think she really does. "I'll give you all the time you need, Edward."
She drops her hand from my face and gives me one last look, nodding quickly as pain flashes through her eyes.
"It's late," she says. "We're tired." She hops off the counter in a rush, picking up her bags. "I think we probably missed trivia night already."
"Bella—"
"It's okay." She smiles as she backs away from me and heads toward the door. "We have time." She closes her bag and swings it over her shoulder. "I'm really sorry about your nose, and well…everything," she says quickly before she disappears through the door.
~.~.~
The cold shower I take does little to calm me down. I set an ice pack on my face, hoping it keeps my nose from swelling, while I force myself into a box breathing pattern and try not to think.
I fail at that too.
I should have followed Bella. Should have explained that the thought of getting back together, of allowing myself to get close to her again, terrifies me to my core. I got over her once, maybe, but I don't know if I could do it again. If I could watch her walk away from me again.
Or maybe what I should have explained instead is that I actually never got over her. That no one else ever came close to touching my heart like she did. And that the risk of her breaking it, again, seems worth it to just hold her in my arms one more time.
When I leave the gym, my feet take the steps to the trail instead of the house. The trail I've avoided for two years, the one that leads to our bench. Bella's and mine.
To my surprise, she's there, sitting on the edge of the seat. Her phone's in her hand, pressed to her ear. Other than a few sniffles, she doesn't say any words.
I stay in place, watching her. She brings the phone in front of her, presses a button, and then brings it back to her ear. I realize she might not be on a call, but listening to something instead, again and again.
I contemplate leaving—I do—but my feet take a step forward instead, toward her, and the snap of the twig that breaks under my shoe startles her, her head turning swiftly in my direction.
"I'm sorry," she says, rising quickly from the bench, her bag still dangling from her shoulder. "I can leave if you want me to."
"Don't." I don't dare to move. "What were you listening to?"
"Um…" She looks down at the screen, taking a few steps closer to me. With a few presses of her fingers, she puts the phone on speaker.
"I'm sorry that I'm calling so late." My voice can be heard through the speaker, slurred and foreign to me. "That I'm calling at all. Even after you told me not to. Even after you blocked my number and shit, but, um…"
It keeps going. My confession to her. The last time I called her. From this very spot. I repressed the memory in my head. Convinced myself that maybe it didn't happen. That I was too drunk to dial her number. That Vicky's phone ran out of battery before I even left a message at all.
Bella turns the volume of my rambles down, shrugging unapologetically as she looks up at me.
"You got my voicemail." It's not a question.
"I saved it as a voice note." She nods, eyelashes still wet. "I listen to it every now and then."
"That night is a little blurry for me…"
"I bet." She smiles sweetly up at me, staying in place.
"Can I listen to it?"
Her eyebrows rise in surprise, but she hands me her phone nonetheless. I brace myself with a deep breath, despite the pain in my nose, and I replay the message, and the words I said to her in our last goodbye.
I feel like I'm back there. Back here. With a heart in pieces, yet full of love for her.
We'll be okay…
"Fuck, Swan…" My head drops as my breath leaves me, and I hand her back the phone.
"I get that it's you who needs time now, I do." She stays at arm's length. My fingers twitch. "We have time." She smiles when I look up and my eyes find hers. "We have the summer and then the whole school year ahead of us, and who knows what else after that. I'm not going anywhere."
She puts her phone in her bag before swinging it over her shoulder, clasping her hands on her hips, and staring right into my soul.
"I'm here for you," she says. "For us. At any capacity you will have me."
It takes everything I have not to close the distance between us and bring her lips to mine.
She sighs, seemingly impatient at my lack of response, and inches forward to take a step closer to me.
"Do you want me to go?" she asks when I step back instinctively.
"No."
"Okay."
"But if you come any closer, I'm going to kiss you. And I may never let you go after that." The words escape my mouth before I can give them any thought, and with them the weight of the world gets taken off my shoulders.
Her smile widens as she steps in front of me.
"All right," she says, and then my lips are on hers.
Thank you all for reading and reviewing and continue to show your love for our Colorado boy 333
There's only four chapters left which I'll try to get to you in the next two weeks!
This story would not have been possible without Mel who pre-reads, and then reads, and brainstorms with me, and betas, and then reads again every time I'm feeling anxious about a chapter (so, like, all the time). And Pali and Kristen who humor me and my sick tendencies and let me spam them with all things cheer LOL And of course Lizzie, who made the gorgeous banner and feels and cares so strongly for this Edward :333
Love you all!
R