A/N: This is the last chapter of the story as I envisioned it 13 years ago, but it was around chapter 8 that I realized how important touch is for this and needed to really conclude everything. I vaguely recall being stupid about M rated stuff, so if you want to read the epilogue, check out the ao3 version of this story under the same name when it comes out.

Shizuru

With the passing of winter, spring arises. And with its arrival, so comes the day of my graduation. This will be the final time I wear this white uniform; this will be the very last day that I am the Student Council President of Fuuka Gakuen. As I slip on my blazer and adjust the sleeves, I catch my reflection in the mirror. I study my expression—it is quite sentimental. I find that I want to savor this moment; I want to commit this feeling to memory; I want to enjoy it while it lasts. For the day of my graduation has finally arrived and…ah, what is this strange feeling that beats inside my chest? It is a feeling of finality that dwells inside me, one that exists alongside a sense of moving on.

I never expected that this day would arrive. Not like this, not with so much for me to anticipate. Yet here I am, still alive and well enough, and able to face this particular milestone with my head held high. Let today bring closure to this chapter in my life as tying this red necktie does for this outfit.

When I leave the dormitories, I find that the campus is still in the midst of waking. Dawn has barely broken and, for the first time since I returned to the academy, I do not hear the sound of construction. The workers are taking a well-deserved rest. I thus enjoy the quiet knowing that, in a few short hours, this place will be filled with the sound of celebration. For now, I will enjoy this peaceful and almost meditative calm as a prelude to what has yet to arrive.

This is the strange mood I find myself in even as I share breakfast with the Rijichou-san and Fumi-san. They too are quieter than usual. While none of us are rowdy sort for this change to be particularly discernable, there nevertheless is something that weighs down upon us and dampens the conversation. This atmosphere carries through most of the meal as we pay our respects to the passing of the past.

Fumi-san has joined us at the table for the very first time. As the months have progressed, so has her wardrobe. Today marks the day her maid uniform has been fully retired, and now she wears a business suit with solemn dignity. I suppose this change too signifies the end of an era. As we eat, her mask of politeness dims until I catch a look of longing shine through it as she casts her gaze towards her most precious person.

The Chairwoman also notices this reaction; she smiles comfortingly at her and says, "I appreciate that you two are sharing this meal with me. Truly, I thank you both."

There is a heaviness to her words, a sense of foregone conclusion. Fumi-san dips her head and acknowledges it quietly. They've likely had this conversation more than once given her defeated expression and the way her eyelashes flutter as she tries to find another way to counter the statement. No words come to her; she does not look up. Despite my general apathy towards the former maid, I feel a pang of sympathy for her: though I've never enjoyed the roles put upon me, I've nevertheless spent time grieving for their passing.

Even if they are not wanted or assumed by choice, the roles we play inevitably become part of our identity. I am certain Fumi-san still thinks of herself as a maid and will continue to for more than a little while longer. The role she inhabited is not something that is easily let go or forgotten: she has been submerged in it for so very long. I know that very well, and I wonder if her newfound freedom will agree with her when she has risen more from those depths.

It matters not to me—that choice is hers to make.

To bridge the silence, I say, "I am also grateful to have been included."

"Not at all, Fujino-san. I want to thank you again for all your efforts throughout this year. Your partnership has been truly remarkable."

I look away from the table. I see through the window that there are a pair of sparrows fluttering by the cherry blossoms. The sound of their chirping is muffled by the glass. That sound is further diminished by the size of this mostly empty room as the Chairwoman's belongings have been removed. All that remains is this table where we sit. I watch the sparrows for a moment longer before I add:

"Many contributions have led to this day, not just mine. Thank you as well for your support. Truly, they are appreciated."

How long has it been since we first sat here during the advent of the reconstruction? That time feels so far away, and yet those moments still burn so brightly in my mind. I can still recall the sting of my hand—all the anger and resentment boiling in my blood—focused in on the one who sits before me, but those feelings are dulled by all that has succeeded that day. I can now acknowledge the allowances granted to me by her: I can appreciate the support given to me in spite of my childish impulses.

As usual, the Chairwoman has mentored me with the lightest and deftest of touches, providing me with just enough resources and opportunities to make my own decisions. Now I can appreciate her steady hand and the guidance she's provided. Never did she give me more than I could handle. Her aid has served as a counterbalance to the instruction I received in the past, a more forgiving template on how to behave.

I suppose we are all still learning, Natsuki, how to be better than our predecessors. Neither the Chairwoman nor I has fully cut away the strings that tie us to our past—after all, how could I, Fujino Shizuru, ever be anything less than who I am? The same goes for her, for the Queen of Hell who has resurrected us all. Once, she had destroyed all her peers and set everything they held precious ablaze. Now, she has dedicated her existence to protecting us and our choices. How very strange is the path our emotions traverse. They lead us down previously undiscovered roads.

I see now how those strings—the people who shaped our lives as well as all the terrible feelings that have led us to our terrible decisions—they do not have to be severed for us to reach new conclusions. We can find peace in these bonds. After all, I could not have reconciled with my grandmother without the Chairwoman and Reito-san's meddling. In fact, it is those strings that connect us to one another that grant us this mutual understanding.

The Chairwoman smiles and nods her head, "I am so happy that this day has come. I have seen so much and planned so much, but I also saw how those plans of mine couldn't stop what I feared most from occurring. Those dark days have finally passed. I can sit back and admire everything that has brought us towards dawn."

"Does Mashiro-sama really have to leave?" Fumi-san pleads.

"I choose to leave. You girls have exceeded all my expectations, and I truly believe that this age belongs to you all."

The Chairwoman's intention to leave is not new to me, and I do not trouble myself with knowing her next destination. I respect her wishes, and the direction for me is set; I will not waver. That is why I say:

"Yes, and we indeed owe it to you that we can take this step forward into the future. Fuuka would not be as it is without you, and we shall uphold your legacy here. I will not see it tarnished."

Both Fumi-san and the Rijichou-san make their own agreements with my declaration. Breakfast soon ends on this somber, yet uplifting note. This note continues to reverberate into the morning as I head to the temporary Student Council Room.

Here I stand in front of my peers. We review the plans on how to manage the student body to fit our new vision for the academy. Included in this assembly are the members of the Student Council, the Executive Committee, the Class Representatives, as well as the Heads of every Student Club and Association.

I look at all of their faces which are rapt with attention and respect. Even Suzushiro-san is looking at me expectantly; already she is leaning in to capture my every word. Heh. She will not be disappointed with my speech. And so, perhaps for the very last time, I take a moment to marvel at how I arrived at this position. I had only campaigned for this role to assist you, Natsuki, and yet, somehow, my selfish reasons have contributed to all of this. Even now I can barely fathom it all, the direct consequences of my actions.

Reito-san waves at me and I can't help smiling in his direction.

I take a deep breath. I then bow deeply and lowly.

Murmurs travel through the room at my uncharacteristically humble action. I hold my pose for a little while longer, and then I hear the sound of chairs scraping across the floor. When I raise my head, I see that many have returned my bow, although most members of the Student Council have remained in their seats. Really, it is only Tate-kun that is bowing—Suzushiro-san is cocking her head to the left and even Reito-san's smile has faltered. The tint of Kikukawa-san's glasses shows that she too is questioning my action. I laugh.

"My, how earnest everyone is today. Please, sit down. I simply wanted to express my gratitude for all the hard work everyone here has done this past year. It took so much courage to brave through the first few semesters and even more to return after the chaos. Everyone here deserves to be recognized."

Indeed, the student population is at its lowest in decades. While most of the third years have returned to graduate along with a majority of the other high school students, only about a third of the primary school and less than half of the middle school students remain. Such numbers had been anticipated, and I believe they will rise again in due time.

I continue my speech:

"Even more than courage, all of you displayed a remarkable amount of persistence and ingenuity after you returned. I especially want to acknowledge the joint effort between the Athletic Association and the Executive Committee in their work creating and maintaining the new patrol routes, the newly formed Military Clubs for the completion of their charters, and the Cultural Clubs assisting with the integration and establishment of Fuuka Gakuen's new administrative body. This work couldn't have been done without the Class Representatives organizing and managing the additional needed labor. With everyone's help, our academy can retain our tradition of being 'for the students, by the students,' in spite of all the challenges this year brought upon us. I believe we have created a strong foundation that will continue to be built upon for many years to come."

I can feel the positivity radiating from Suzushiro-san's direction after that statement. Her fists are clenched in an impassioned fit of agreement. Pride also seems to shine off of that large forehead of hers, nearly blinding me with all that brightness. Ah, I can't deny that her and her father's ethos has its uses even though I must bear the annoyance of articulating it in front of other people. My lips twitch upwards before I remark:

"Yes, that's right—as these last few months have demonstrated, a single action or choice can cause resounding tremors. Those tremors can grow beyond that initial decision and cause the very earth beneath it to quake and reshape the world. That is why we must continue to make the right choices. I strongly believe that only once all the Clubs and Committees have worked out their cooperation arrangements can the Student Council positions be adjusted to fill the gaps. This is why the elections have been postponed for now. Kikukawa-san has agreed to stay on in the interim to facilitate the transition and Tate-kun will be assisting her. Please support them however you can."

I give a short nod in their direction. They both return it. I don't doubt Kikukawa-san's capability and her resolution has only increased in these last few months. The time she spent away from Suzushiro-san has allowed her to mature. I believe she will only continue to become more self-sufficient. As for Tate Yuuichi…I find it strange that he has chosen to return to the Kendo Club while continuing to dedicate his remaining time to the Student Council, but that choice is his to make. I only wish his sense of obligation transferred to his personal life as perhaps Mai-san would be far less excitable if he occupied more of her attention. That girl is becoming far too unruly.

I can't help sighing at that thought, but I quickly compose myself; I readjust my stance. I conclude my speech by saying, "For everyone graduating today, congratulations. I will see the majority of you at Fuuka University where our reconstruction efforts will expand to include all of Fuuka. For the remaining students, please continue the good work. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the day and a well-deserved spring break. I leave the rest to you all."

The meeting thus concludes. Soon, everyone begins to depart. As she stands up, Suzushiro-san makes a point to meet my eyes. Approval shines through her before she marches away without a word, the smudges on her gaudy eyeshadow and smeared mascara indicate how moved she had been by my speech. I smile to myself; I pity Kikukawa-san who is scurrying behind her. She will have to listen to the upcoming eruption that will no doubt spew from that girl's lips. I am thankful that I will not be in the vicinity to hear it.

Reito-san remains seated. This is particularly noteworthy as he is close to the door and everyone else passes by him—he must have something to say to me. I thus return to sit behind the teacher's desk and await our discussion.

When it is only the two of us in the room, he questions me by asking, "Do you actually believe what you said?"

I chuckle. Is this really what he wants to know?

"Does it matter what I believe if that's what everyone needed to hear?"

"Shizuru-san."

"My, Reito-san, what brought this on? Surely you don't doubt my sincerity after everything we've accomplished together. Must I remind you that most of this couldn't have been achieved without your explicit backing?"

"That is not needed. Rather than doubting your sincerity, that's precisely why I'm now questioning your intent."

"Oh? Is that what concerns you? Or is it your reaction to it, perhaps?"

"Must you split hairs?"

"I believe this is a notable distinction. But allow me to speculate: you are uncomfortable with the greater implications of my speech. You see now how the choices we've made have spiraled so far beyond us that we no longer have full control. Indeed, we're leaving much in the hands of an ignorant student body and the former members of the First District who have been scattered across so many different roles. As someone who loves control and seeks power, you hate realizing how so much has escaped your grasp. In fact, you are now panicking and second-guessing your support. Am I wrong?"

"Shizuru-san…please give me some credit here. You know exactly what I've done and why I did it. My hands are just as stained as yours," Reito-san sighs as he holds his uninjured hand up to demonstrate. When his gaze returns to me, I see in the devilish glint in his eyes and sneering of his lips what must be the remnants of the Obsidian Lord. The tone of his voice darkens as he declares, "That control was the only thing protecting you girls from the outside world. You may have broken down those walls, but you've only replaced them with a gilded cage of your own making. So much will enter from those gaps."

Without hesitation, I counter, "Perhaps, but that wall of yours also kept us away from the world. We are now free to see through it and even slip away should we desire to do so. The door to that cage is open. Isn't that what makes you uncomfortable? You wanted to rebuild the world in accordance with your singular vision, and what greets your sight is one that is so multifaceted."

"And oh, how do those facets shine like those on a cut gem," he intones with a crooked grin. With the aid of his uninjured arm, he stands up. He walks past me towards the nearby window. He stares out of it before he admits without facing me, "You are partially right: I once believed that this world of ours is broken and I was the only one who could fix it. I wanted to wipe all the sins of our forefathers away and start fresh so humanity could begin anew. And I still believe that this is the case: this world of ours is no good. However, I have to admit that my old solution would not solve the fundamental problem."

"And what do you believe is the fundamental problem?"

"There are more wills than just my own. And those wills are not so easily swayed, nor can I fully dominate them for long. So long as there is more than one perspective, conflict will arise. Isn't that a pity," he chuckles before he turns his head towards me, his eyes sparkling with mirth and dangerous ambition. "I am, however, not fully convinced that this is the right way to go about things. You are leaving yourself vulnerable to suffer from the incompetence and negligence of others, Shizuru-san."

"I have always left much of my responsibility in the hands of others. Or have you not noticed?"

"Haha."

"Just because I allow for the opportunity doesn't mean that I am not aware of the ramifications. I will simply step in whenever I believe it is necessary. Therefore, the direction of Fuuka is not yours to own, nor are the lives of others."

"They are indeed out of my control. For now."

"I look forward to your next move then, Vice President."

"I'm only Vice President for another two hours. Then comes my graduation," he says playfully, if not somewhat threateningly. I am not concerned as his boyish delusions of grandeur are being held in check with his interactions with everyone involved with the Carnival. I see the impact Mai-san has left on him, along with his sister, and even his budding friendship and rivalry with Tate-kun. There is a roundness to Kanzaki Reito that didn't use to exist that dulls his conniving impulses; it makes him disinclined to act in an unbecoming manner. Therefore, I believe that while Reito-san still has enough loyal supporters to potentially sow discord, he lacks the drive to be effective.

I'm sure he also knows that the moment I see him step out of line, I will rend every part of his body that crosses it.

In any case, I conclude that Reito-san's current boldness is more to save face than to assert any action. He simply wants to be reassured by my conviction as he too is feeling sentimental.

He steps away from the window.

"It's about time for me to meet up with Mikoto and my grandfather. I will see you later at the ceremony," he says.

"Until then, Reito-san."

When he passes me, he gives me a small smile. He then leaves.

I close my eyes and interlace my fingers together in my lap. I take a deep breath and then softly exhale; I am all alone now. The doors to the school will remain closed to the public until after the graduation ceremony as some clubs are still busy with their daily activities. I remain in this room as I have nowhere else to go.

Unlike Reito-san, I have no family who will join me in celebrating this day. My father has not contacted me, either out of his own wishes, or because he is being held back by my grandmother. And while our relationship has been salvaged, I do not want her to be here. Neither one of our reputations would improve if we stood together today. In fact, I believe it would go exceedingly poorly on multiple fronts. I would not like to be seen bickering with her, and I doubt she would enjoy spending time with all the sniveling school sponsors. If I can drive those crybabies to tears, I wonder what extremes she would inflict upon them out of boredom and spite.

My grandmother has, however, sent a calligraphy scroll with her written congratulations along with some ceremonial grade matcha. Those arrived yesterday, and they more than suffice. Really, it's more than I expected from her, this gesture of goodwill. I am glad to have received them.

When I walk towards the window Reito-san once stood by, I can see through it how the academy has grown more alive. The graduates are proudly guiding their parents through the campus; they are no doubt excited to show off their personal contributions. They are not the only ones here today: I spot some of our influential donors and investors who are using their invitations to the ceremony to walk through these grounds unguided. Seeing them furthers my inclination to not show my face outside, Natsuki. I don't think I could bear the small talk.

Thinking of you improves my mood. I smile. I wonder if you have woken up yet; I hope you're at least going to help Mai-san prepare for the picnic. As much as I would like to spend this extra time with you, I remember that you insisted on meeting me by the garden after the graduation ceremony. I wouldn't dare interrupt your preparations or impede whatever you have planned. After all, I have an inkling of what your intentions are, and…heh, far be it from me to ruin something like that for us both.

I thus head to the Student Council Room. It has been a while since I visited as this hall is usually occupied by construction workers. Today, I can simply duck past the caution tape and enter the room to indulge in my nostalgia, to bid my farewell to this space. To my surprise, when I slide open the door, I find that it is already occupied by Sanada Yukariko.

"Sister," I say.

"I am a Sister no longer," the former nun laughs from where she's leaning against the half-repaired wall. Indeed, she has cast her habit away and instead wears a pair of overalls. This is not the only change in this area. All the desks and chairs that once filled the room are now stacked near the back and are covered by a thick cloth. In their place is an assortment of well-used equipment and machinery. Even with the lights on, the room is darker than I remember it as the Suzushiro Construction tarp blankets the entire space.

I suppose I must account for all of these alterations.

"May I refer to you then as Sanada-san?" I suggest.

"I would like that, Fujino-san."

"Very well. In any case, should someone of Sanada-san's condition be here?" I ask, drawing attention to how her belly has grown round with her pregnancy.

"Don't you start too," she scolds before she straightens up. The speed of her retort causes me to raise an eyebrow. "I'm only here because I thought you would eventually stop by."

"Oh? Do you need something from me?"

"I was hoping to speak with you. If you're not busy, would you like to join me in the Art Room?"

"I am available. Please lead the way."

As I have no reason to decline, I decide to accompany her. I have to admit, I am a little curious why Sanada-san would be looking for me. We've had little opportunity or need to converse after our resurrection. In fact, this is the first time I've seen her in quite a while—I haven't spoken to her directly since the destruction of the HiME Star. Given your dealings with those dwelling underneath the rebuilt church, you've likely spent more time working with the former nun than I have, Natsuki, especially now that she effectively leads the church. I'm not familiar with the religious hierarchy, and I know that no one has been sent to replace the former Sister and the still-deceased Father. It seems like Joseph Glear's death was out of the Chairwoman's control as he remains a corpse. Ah well, these things do not concern me.

Regardless, I do find that I am looking forward to seeing what Sanada-san wants to discuss. As strange as it might be to say this about an adult, Natsuki, but I've always had a soft spot for her. I see in Sanada-san so much of my younger self. Therefore, I've been glad to observe from the periphery how she's built rapport with Fumi-san and Sugiura-sensei as well as how she looks after Yuuki-san and the others. I am glad to see how her face now glows with the confidence she has built these past few months, and I'm equally intrigued by the newfound light in her eyes.

We reach the Art Room. It has been set up like a gallery to display the graduate's final works. Chairs are scattered near the center of the room, no doubt suggesting that they can and should be moved around.

"Please make yourself comfortable. Oh, would you like some coffee? We only have decaf, unfortunately," Sanada-san laments as we enter.

"I will refrain as the upcoming ceremony will be quite long," I reply as I sit down.

Sanada-san thus veers from her original path. She walks past me and towards another chair. Before she takes hold of it, her head turns to the sound of laughing students outside.

"How fast has another year gone by. Time flies so quickly nowadays," she remarks before moving her chair closer to me. She sits down on it and folds her hands demurely in her lap. "Part of me still feels like my own high school graduation was only a few years ago."

"I'm sure it was."

"That's very sweet of you to say, Fujino-san. Heh heh, it has been a while, but sometimes I feel like I am still just as young and immature as I was back then. Oh, I didn't bring you here to talk about that…or, should I say, that's not it entirely. You've just been so busy that I didn't want to bother you. Though to tell you the truth, I didn't have the courage to face you until now. Please forgive me—I just had the feeling that I wouldn't have the chance to talk to you again if I didn't do so today."

"I won't be far from the academy. I still have plenty of reasons to visit," I say as I think fondly of you, Natsuki. I can also tell that Sanada-san is nervous, so I use the tone of my voice to convey that I am amenable to the conversation.

"I will also have my hands full too," she acknowledges with a laugh as she pats her stomach for emphasis. Her gaze grows long as she says, "After this, both our priorities will change. That's why this conversation has to be today—we won't have another chance like this again."

"A chance to discuss what, Sanada-san?" I ask curiously though I already have my suspicions.

She grows quiet as she continues to stroke her belly for comfort. She then says hesitantly, "Do you remember the talk you had with me during the vampire incident?"

My hand instinctively reaches for where my birthmark had been.

"I remember," I say as I allow my memories to kindle.

I remember very well how I had intervened after Sanada-san had been found near the unconscious first-year student, Senou Aoi. She had been reported to be carrying a weapon, but the weapon was said to have disappeared into thin air and couldn't be retrieved by the Executive Committee. I immediately pieced the information together and also discerned from Kikukawa-san's behavior her identity as a HiME. I knew if Suzushiro-san turned Sanada-san over to the authorities only more commotion would have arisen. I also knew that if Sanada-san was left to her own devices, she would only grow more frantic. That is why I chose to step in.

The former nun smiles grimly before she admits, "I haven't stopped thinking about what you said to me back then. At first, I felt so ashamed because I was supposed to be the one who students turned to for guidance, but it was Fujino-san who consoled me. I then started praying on it and—oh—what I discovered was so sinful, so ugly."

"And this is what you wanted to share with me?"

"No, not that part—Fujino-san asked me back then about the nature of belief."

"I did. I asked Sanada-san, 'What do you think belief is?'"

"That's right. I didn't know how to answer that; I had been so focused on what just happened to me, how the world as I knew it was crumbling before my very eyes. The power I had wielded…it was not from God. I knew that much—I could feel its unholiness, how selfish and possessive it was compared to the holy scriptures. It must then be the Devil who was possessing me—yes, the Devil had claimed me due to my impure thoughts! I was so consumed by that guilt and idea...I-I prayed so hard in hopes for God to tell me where I went wrong so that I could beg for forgiveness. I sought absolution. Yet He was quiet; I was forsaken—that's what I kept thinking to myself during the interrogation. That I would be abandoned again—t-that I would always be unwanted."

Despite the way her body trembled with her words, I can tell that Sanada-san needed the discussion to progress. She is not seeking platitudes. I thus continue, "And when Sanada-san didn't answer my question, I had to change tactics."

"Yes. Fujino-san did just that."

We both grow quiet as we reminisce upon that moment. I can recall it quite well as the subject matter is deeply personal to me. Though I had been talking about her circumstances that night, I couldn't help stroking the flames of my own bitterness. It was filled with those feelings—of being estranged from my family and alienated from the legacy I was born into—that I turned away from her and said:

I do not believe you injured Senou-san. Your behavior indicates you have encountered something that has deeply shaken you. Suzushiro-san and the others may interpret your reticence with suspicion, but what I see here is someone who is grappling with something heavier than just a crime. Yes, what you are fearing is whether or not you've broken something precious: something that is at the core of who you are. So again, I ask you, Sister Yukariko, what do you think belief is and…

"'…and what do you do when you find your faith in it broken?'" Sanada-san echoes with a wretched smile. Her right hand reaches up to touch the left side of her neck. "I didn't have an answer to that either. You let me go after suggesting I discover that answer for myself."

"Sanada-san is right. I don't remember that part as clearly," I admit. After all, shortly after our conversation, I found that you had slipped into the Student Council room, Natsuki, and my priorities instantly shifted.

"So, you see, Fujino-san, I never answered you, and I have been praying on this question ever since that night. I'm not sure how, but you pinpointed my exact dilemma, the source of so much of my pain. You see, o-oh—

Sanada-san's voice quivers and then breaks. I can see tears forming in her eyes as she speaks of something that is so deeply rooted in the core of her being. Even through her trembling, her hands ball into fists as she musters the will to continue speaking.

"My parents were the first to forsake me. I was told that I was left on the convent's doorstep as a baby. God was my only Father—the nuns taught me that—I only needed to pray to Him and He would provide. They told me that. Even when I attended school, I believed that I didn't belong to the secular world. I was curious about romance and other things—but I stopped myself—I held back. My home was in heaven. That's where my real family resided, in the kingdom of heaven. That's why I took up the vows of chastity as they told me I should. The world had already forsaken me—but God never would! I believed in God! Oh, in God! Only God wants me!

"And once I had completed my vows, I was sent to Fuuka. I tried my best to teach the same lessons that were taught to me. I thought if I could reach my students—if I could share with them the same compassion and love granted to me—God would finally fill the emptiness inside me as everyone preached that He would. I prayed so hard—'Oh God, please replace all of this envy inside me with love!'"

Lost in her story, Sanada-san cries out as she brings hands together in desperate supplication to the sky. They then fall heavily to her side as her shoulders curve inward. She sullenly admits:

"But that envy in me remained. As much as I thought I didn't belong to the secular world, part of me still desired sin. That time when Yuuki-san started describing those filthy things in the confessional to me...even though I knew she was lying about her experience, I found myself so fascinated by what she was describing. I coveted it even though I knew I shouldn't. But I wanted it so much. Heh heh, because I had been raised first in a convent and then went to an all-girls school, I've...I've always been as awkward as I was curious about men. So much was preached to me about God's embrace that I wondered...I wondered how it would feel to be held. That's why, when Wataru-san first approached me...aha haha," Sanada-san breaks out into sorrowful laughter. For the first time since she began speaking, she looks up at me with a beseeching expression, "You must find this so ridiculous and silly, Fujino-san, for me to be confessing all of this to you."

"Not at all. This is your answer to my question. Please take as much time as you need," I reply calmly. I always suspected that Sanada-san's past must be filled with misery for her to act the way she did. Her absolute deference towards authority—even to that of the Student Council—has always struck me as being odd. How strange is it to discover someone who possesses an even more rigid upbringing than my own? As I see her struggling with the lingering aftereffects, I feel rather grateful that I had to learn to be more rebellious: if I had not, I wonder if I would lack the confidence and urgency to fend for myself.

Sanada-san shakes her head before her shoulders sag defeatedly. "There's not much else for me to say: I fell for the very first man who approached me. I could sense his despicable intentions immediately, but I yearned for what he offered so I...I used him...and I allowed him to use me too."

The sound of her self-loathing is also quite familiar. I can't help smiling to myself before admitting:

"Sanada-san, I could never condemn someone who acts for the sake of love. I know very well how it feels to want what you should not."

"I…it wasn't love at first. I protested, but it was more to pretend to myself that I didn't want it. If it was out of my control, I could still be Sister Yukariko, pure but also…also…"

"I understand. I've also allowed myself to fall prey to my own darkest desires."

She nods dejectedly and says, "It doesn't feel good at all. As bad as it was, I still couldn't stop or bring myself to end things with Wataru-san. Even when he became violent towards me, I still made excuses. There was even a time I thought I deserved all of it—that it was my just punishment for all the sins I committed. God was punishing me through him. I've lived with the knowledge of my cowardice. And that was that same cowardice that made me pretend to be injured—I was supposed to be guiding you children, but I was the first to break the alliance and lead Kuga-san and the others astray. All for the sake of that pathetically sad man."

"…if it wasn't Sanada-san, it would have been someone else. We were to be pitted against each other no matter what. Every one of us had weaknesses that could be—and was—exploited."

"I've told myself that same exact excuse so many times. But it never made me feel any less ashamed. I originally thought it was because I was blaming myself for being too weak to stand against him. I also blamed him for making me do those terrible things. But, deep down, I knew that was never the case. I only obeyed him and let him throw me around because I realized what I wanted the most wasn't to follow God's teachings...I-I never really wanted that at all, in truth...I...I just wanted to feel another person's touch! I wanted to know what it was like to be loved by another human, to be held by someone who was also flesh and blood. I wanted to be wanted! For that...for that very thing, I was willing to give up everything—even my dignity—to obtain it."

I can feel agitation rumbling in agreement inside of me. Sanada-san's words resonate too strongly. Unable to sit still, I stand up and walk to a painting that caught my eye. It is a landscape portrait of one of Fuuka's mountains, the one that caught on fire the day Mai-san arrived on campus. I recognize the painter's name belonging to a boy in my class. The use of dark colors and his errant brushstrokes emphasize the desolation of nature—it juxtaposes the intensity of charcoal with the lightness in the watercolor paints used for the rest of the mountain. It is quite an experimental and moody piece. There is dark violence captured in this painting, one that echoes alongside the roaring of the beast that still dwells inside of me. She too cries in concurrence of this sentiment.

If Sanada-san finds herself pathetic, perhaps I am too because her mentality matches mine with such uncanny symmetry. I care not for her religion, but I too was born into an environment that required strict discipline. I too was taught the virtues of suppressing one's desire. I too couldn't help yearning for what was not allowed. That is why I know—

"But even that is not enough. Is it, Sanada-san? Giving up everything that I was for the sake of love wasn't for me: I wasn't satisfied with becoming a monster. When Kikukawa-san attacked me and Natsuki, in my mind, I justified it as self-defense—I was only acting in retaliation. However, I was taught that every strike I make must contain the intent to kill. I was prepared and was even somewhat excited when I inflicted the fatal blow until...until I witnessed Suzushiro-san's demise. That...I was wholly unprepared for that moment."

I touch the side of my jaw and sigh. I think that was what fully broke me back then, Natsuki. I had always been prepared for my love for you to be rejected, but I never understood what it would take from me when I finally bloodied my hands. No amount of training or preparation could prevent that, especially when my first kill was someone who had been so close to me. I've always been loathed to admit it, but I am, indeed, quite fond of Suzushiro Haruka. That boorish girl was the first to approach me and treat me like an equal. She somehow saw past my mask and challenged the person behind it. That is why when she…when that night progressed as it did…

I can feel that conflagration of self-hatred and despair still burning inside of me. It joins with the flames of the First District's Headquarters—it's still so hot against my cheeks. I've killed so many people after that. I can almost hear Kiyohime's roaring behind me as she joins me in screaming out our shared festering grief and resentment. I don't think this memory or this part of me will ever fade away, Natsuki. Like Sanada-san, I will always remember this wickedness; it will forever follow me like a second shadow. Fire will always smolder after me; I will always leave a trail of anguish in my wake.

Ah. I suppose it is due to harboring such evil inside of me that I know that my selfish actions are not enough. Indulging in this feeling does not suffice—it has never done me any good. No, there is something else I must address. I turn to Sanada-san and say:

"Sanada-san, because we both sacrificed everything we had—our love, our dignity, and even our sense of self—we both know that this sacrifice isn't enough. If it had been, we would've been resurrected without feeling any remorse. Is this not why it took you so long to answer me?"

"You're right, Fujino-san. During that time, and afterward too, my faith in God and myself were burned away. But I've found something in those ashes. It started when I saw Tokiha-san's conviction…it gave me the strength to stand up for myself. Not for her sake, or to stop Wataru-san, but because I wanted more for myself—I wasn't satisfied with just being used by him. I realize then that this too is love…it is a love that doesn't lie in immolation. It is a love that takes more than faith to realize, something that has to be worked towards together. That is why Wataru…oh, my dear Wataru-san," the former nun says, overcome once more by emotion. She stands up and walks into the supply room. She returns with a canvas and easel and sets them in front of me. When she flips the canvas over, I see a half-finished sketch of the woman before me cradling an infant.

Sanada-san stares at the image; her attention focused on what she sees in the lines. Her hand reaches out to trace the matronly smile on her portrait's face.

"For all that man's many faults, when I see his art, I feel like I can find the person who is buried under all that foolish ideation. And when he draws me, I find that he also sees something in me I've never seen before. Someone who can draw with such beauty and tenderness can't be completely devoid of those feelings—I believed that so, so much. And these last few months have proved me right: the more confidence I have, the more that man respects me. And the more he chooses to respect me, the better his art becomes and the more relaxed and happier he is too. He always thought absolute power was what he needed to be loved and accepted, but now he knows the strength of being able to let go. I will be there for him—I will understand him and reign him in for his own sake. I was taught that the lion is the lamb, so then the lamb must also be the lion.

"And that's my answer, Fujino-san. When I watch over Wataru-san, Alyssa-chan, and the others, I can see what they need behind the facades they show the world. The support I never had, the family I never had…I can be that for them and everyone else who comes to the church. While I am here, no one will feel unwanted or unloved—they will become part of my family. I will see what drives their deceptions and answer them with my love. And this satisfies me. I once followed blindly and didn't understand why I obeyed. That's why my faith was so weak. But now…now I feel like I'm starting to truly inhabit my beliefs."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Is it…is it the same for Fujino-san?"

When I turn to her, Sanada-san reflexively flinches before she catches herself and holds firm. Her gaze is just as searching as mine, and I find that she is genuinely interested in my answer. I thus respond in kind and say:

"I don't have anything as firm as your beliefs, Sanada-san. Once my faith in my family and the path they would have me walk was shattered, I put little care into examining my convictions. I find most of them are still quite malleable. I am ever the opportunist," I giggle before I favor her with a smile. "But I will not compromise on those who I love. I find that this has also inevitably shaped me and the decisions I have made. As for the decisions I've made after my death…I do not regret them."

"I'm glad to hear that. I am relieved to find that you're doing well. When…when we were resurrected…I was surprised to find that you reappeared with Kuga-san near us. The two of you…something must have happened between you two like Wataru-san and I."

"Natsuki was the one who stopped me. No doubt Sanada-san has heard at least the rumors surrounding me."

"Oh, I see…I think I understand more of why Fujino-san has sympathized with me and…and forgive me, I didn't know how to approach or comfort you back then. I'm still not sure how."

"That's quite all right. I don't think anyone could've consoled me in those early days. Not even Natsuki. I had to find my own will to move on."

"I'm so grateful you did. Because of you, so much of Fuuka has been rebuilt and repaired. The church is more beautiful than ever. I've heard a lot about your work from Alyssa-chan and the others too. You even thought of how to protect us HiME in a way we could still live out our lives."

"I only came up with the plan and helped secure financing. Ah, I suppose I also made sure things went as expected. Even so, when I look back at it now…every step of the way did I receive kindness and charity from others. Even when I didn't deserve it, others gifted me with their care, and so I…how could I not return it in kind to the best of my capability?"

As I spoke, Sanada-san continues to tilt her head as if she is discovering something unexpected about me. She then smiles warmly. This is the first time she's looked more like an advisor than a confidant in this entire conversation.

"I'm grateful to hear that Fuuka Gakuen has been rebuilt with so much lov—

The church bell rings in the distance, saving me from hearing the rest of her observation. Both of us turn to the sound. The former nun then slowly faces me, her expression is utterly aghast and dismayed.

"Fujino-san…is-isn't that the bell for the start of the graduation ceremony?"

"Oh? That might indeed be the case."

"How can you be late for your own graduation? Oh no, aren't you supposed to be speaking at it? I'm so sorry for keeping you so late! Oh God, please forgive me!"

She then quickly ushers me out of the room before shouting her goodbye. I wave back at her before walking away. Once I turn the corner, I stop to compose myself; I exhale and adjust my blazer and my skirt. The discussion had been quite heavy, and yet I still feel quite relaxed after all that has been said and done. Heh. Perhaps there is something liberating about sharing one's innermost feelings. As Sanada-san approached me with so much openness and trust, I had been inclined to return it. And I find…I find I do not dislike the results.

I amble my way towards the ceremony as I am in no hurry to attend. In fact, I am rather curious about what would happen if I wasn't there to give the customary graduation opening speech that is expected from the Student Council President.

The weather is quite nice today. I enjoy my lazy stroll across campus. I appreciate the sakura trees in full bloom; the air is filled with their delicate fragrance. Many of their blossoms float through the air with the soothing spring breeze. It is a nice wind that kindly brushes and tickles my skin as I walk, inviting me to fully savor the environment with all my senses. I wonder how you are doing, Natsuki, and how well-prepared you are to meet with me. Surely you are awake by now though, knowing your tendencies, it is highly likely you are still fast asleep. Heh. Perhaps you are still drooling cutely into your pillow; I am disheartened that I do not have the opportunity to witness that sight.

Ah, I wish I could just skip the ceremony, but I think you would be disappointed if I do not receive my diploma. It would likely be a hassle too if I completely missed the event, even though I can fabricate a decent excuse to justify it. So many other people would also be displeased, however. What a pity—I suppose I shouldn't upset everyone. Sanada-san would especially not forgive herself for contributing to my absence, and I would not like to impede upon her personal growth or be the cause of her second-guessing her newfound conviction.

It is thus with a reluctant and heavy heart that I arrive at the outdoor venue. It seems Reito-san is covering for me; not a few eyes turn to me as I make my way to my seat. As I am sitting in the front row of the student section, there is no hiding my tardiness. Suzushiro-san treats me with a pointed glare as I sit down—it seems she has fixed her makeup since I last saw her.

"Really?" she whispers disapprovingly. She appears to be preparing to launch into one of her signature diatribes. To prevent this, I simply smile at her and place my index finger against my lips before exaggeratedly turning my attention toward the stage.

I can see from the peripheral of my vision the way she fumes and squirms in her seat. This greatly amuses me as does Reito-san's clearly improvised speech. He's bumbling through some trite observations about progress and accomplishment before moving on to describe the pride he has for being a student at Fuuka Gakuen. When he finishes, the relief on his face is quite evident. I delight in his look of betrayal when he spots me in the audience. Now it is my turn to give him a friendly wave. His face contorts into an ugly expression before he coughs and adjusts the collar on his uniform. When he makes his way back to his seat, the tip of his left shoe purposefully comes in contact with mine. For a brief moment, I entertain the idea of sweeping him off balance, but as he is already injured, I decide to grace him with this particular allowance.

I can hear him whisper my name under his breath like a curse from across Suzushiro-san. That girl even nods sympathetically on this rare occasion where they are united in their shared annoyance towards me. I can't help giggling, and I have to suppress even more laughter when I sense the administration staff and the other boring people onstage staring at us. There is very little they can do to punish me, and I care not for their approval. After all, they are the ones who had to earn my favor to be there. Especially Suzushiro-san's father, the new Chairman of Fuuka Gakuen's Board of Directors. He's stroking his goatee in agitation, but his eyes twinkle when they meet mine, and he hides his grin with a finger against his upper lip.

The amusement ends when Fumi-san arrives at the podium. The national anthem plays, and we have to stand and abide listening to it.

I can feel my eyelids grow heavy. I begin to nod off as the monotony of the former maid's voice fills my ears. I feel the whirlwind of this morning catching up to me. The emotional toll has been more than I expected.

I cannot rest as my name is soon called onstage. I lazily answer. I head to the platform so I can perform all the motions that are required of me. I barely get through it all without yawning. Once I receive my diploma and honorary certificate, Suzushiro-san's name is called. I've barely left the platform when she marches past me, our shoulders coming into contact in the process.

I return to my seat entertaining a rather silly thought: if I do have two shadows, perhaps she is the third. Oh, how closely does she continue to follow behind me! I had been the first to receive my diploma given my role and flawless grades. Then comes her with her less-than-perfect ones. Heh. I wonder what face she'll make when I inevitably score higher than her on our college entrance exams: I'm sure that will be quite pleasing. As we will both be studying business, I do look forward to continually putting Suzushiro-san in her place.

Reito-san is the next to be summoned; I do not suppress my urge to yawn. I thus set my diploma and certificate aside and begin to peacefully doze off. From there, I drift in and out of wakefulness for the remainder of the ceremony. Suzushiro-san had nudged me awake when it came time for her speech, though I had quickly fallen asleep promptly after she had gotten onstage. She doesn't bother pestering me after that for quite some time.

As I enjoy my well-deserved nap, I then feel an elbow against my ribs. It must be Suzushiro-san again. Before she could land a second blow, I catch her elbow with my right hand and instinctively shove her away. Having been forcefully pushed to her left, Suzushiro-san then bobs back and forth as she fights to center herself. The movement reminds me of a daruma or an okiagari. How very tenacious of her.

As I shake off the lethargy from my nap, that girl stands up. I then take notice of my surroundings: many of the students are also up and about. Conversations are happening around us so the ceremony must have ended.

"Do I want to know why you almost missed and then slept through one of the most monumental moments of our youth?" she demands.

"If Suzushiro-san has to ask, I believe she knows the answer," I reply pleasantly as I get up and stretch. It seems Reito-san has already left his seat. I do not see him nearby.

"You're lucky I didn't let you keep on sleeping."

"I would have naturally woken up soon or later."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"I appreciate your consideration."

She rolls her eyes and repeats back my thanks sarcastically, mimicking my accent. She then gestures towards the stage, "My father wants to talk to us both."

I glance upwards. Indeed, the elder Suzushiro is standing there. He nods at us before tilting his chin to indicate he wants us to join him. Next to that man are many of the boring people who no doubt wish to talk about boring things they imagine are important. I yawn again.

"I'm sure Suzushiro-san and Fumi-san can handle whatever it is that they need. Natsuki told me to meet with her after the ceremony," I reply as I pick up my diploma and honorary certificate.

Suzushiro-san frowns when she hears your name. She then pauses and says somewhat pleadingly, "You're really going to leave me alone with them?"

"I'm counting on you."

She groans and mutters, "Fine. Go enjoy the picnic and everything else. Leave all the work to me."

"I will do so."

"Yeah, yeah."

After taking two steps away from her, I hesitate. My lips thin as the muscles around my lower lip push upwards. Without turning back, I concede, "You may text me if anything should arise. Thank you, Suzushiro-san."

I promptly depart without waiting to hear her response. I make my way to the back of the campus, near the entrance to the garden. As I do, I can't help thinking of all the events that have transpired this morning, and how so much more awaits me.

The discussion I had with Sanada-san remains fresh in my mind. It seems my nap has done little to dull its effects. I think of what she said to me, how she communicated the care she now provides, and how it has enriched her life. There is indeed a new energy to the former nun that I hadn't expected from her past meekness: she has indeed found claws under all her wool.

I am glad for her, I really am. And I can't help thinking of the other influences in my life and how they have impacted me.

In these past few months, I think we've all discovered something new about ourselves, Natsuki. We HiME have all found new reasons for existing after we've been forced to examine ourselves so closely in our search for peace. After the Carnival, we've all had our own journeys toward self-acceptance. Mine too continues onwards and—as a result—I find myself saying strange things and thinking strange thoughts I would never have conceived before.

Ah, this thought makes me recall something Mai-san said recently. Can you imagine your friend dared to say to me, "I want what you and Natsuki have."

She had said this while the two of us were alone in her dormitory room, waiting for you to return after one of your investigations with Yuuki-san. I had been quite taken aback as, even though that girl was growing bolder by the day, she'd never been so explicit or direct before.

I set my teacup down on the table and asked her, "Is your relationship with Tate-kun really going so poorly that you must compare it to ours?"

"Eh? Oh no, not like that," Mai-san scoffed and waved my comment aside. She set a tray of snacks on the table before sitting down adjacent to me. "As bad as he is, I would never want to be part of…whatever it is you two have going on. I mean, you would think by now you'd two be dating, but Natsuki doesn't have a clue, and—from what I can tell and all my best efforts—you two mostly just talk about work when you're alone."

"Natsuki is very cute when she is focused," I had replied with a strained smile. Indeed, once we returned to Fuuka, we had been caught in a whirlwind of various initiatives and projects in addition to attending school. I had to lead most of the student-facing effort while managing the finances along with a few other matters, and you worked on the covert operations with the faculty. There had been many days when the only time we could meet was when I stopped by the room you're sharing with Mai-san and Mikoto-chan for dinner.

Still, I remember thinking how much I valued every moment we shared together even if they were few and far between. This went especially for the time we've spent alone. After all, those private moments we had alone were times when you dropped your guard and I could see that dark look in your eyes again and—

"Oooh, so maybe you two have been doing more than just work together, hmm?" Mai-san observed.

I narrowed my eyes and said, "You're being a nuisance."

"Ehehe, I've been practicing. Thanks for noticing, by the way. It's good to get better at your hobbies, you know?"

I sighed, thinking to myself for yet another occasion what a misstep it was suggesting you room with this girl. While what I said to Sanada-san was true—I don't regret the decisions I've made since my resurrection—I must admit that I've grown rather displeased with the results of my conversation with Mai-san the first time we sat at this table together. I had revealed my cards too early, and now I have nothing to play against her. In order to get to you, I now had to get through this busybody, and she's well aware of this fact. She's seen and been made aware of too much of our interactions together, Natsuki. All my threats and insinuations are thus rendered ineffective, and Mai-san has made a point of openly flaunting this fact in front of me whenever she has the chance.

Ah, I remember thinking during that moment how it was quite unfortunate that Mai-san is also aware I cannot raise my hand against her or else you would be upset with me. Without my threats or using direct violence, I am unable to defend myself against her blatant taunts and annoying digressions. I can't even use Tate-kun against her. How useless.

I thus had to change subjects, "What is it about us that you're interested in, Mai-san?"

That girl grinned victoriously before she crossed her arms and pondered, "Well, I've been thinking lately about what else I want to do. And now that Natsuki's living here, I see firsthand what she has and…and I decided I want that too!"

"What do you want?" I asked impatiently.

"She buys things without thinking, you know. When we go shopping, she doesn't even check the price tag—it's just whoosh," Mai-san said as she pantomimed swiping a credit card. "I've never seen anything like that! And then, when I was planning the birthday date between you and Natsuki—you're welcome by the way—it was amazing! All the expenses were covered without any questions, and Natsuki even flew on a private jet! To a penthouse! Just like the movies! I could make anything happen if I wanted, and…and I want that for myself!"

"Ah, is that so…I never took Mai-san for being so materialistic," I commented snidely.

That girl didn't take any offense. In fact, my words seemed to further energize her as she replied, "That's easy for you to say, Shizuru-san. You've never been poor. Don't you have a teahouse around here or something?"

"That belongs to a student of mine," I admitted. I had decided to continue teaching my family's style of chado there despite the unfortunate memories associated with that location as I needed a place outside of the academy to manage certain businesses and relations. Besides, the feelings there have become dull given how much we've all have grown past that ordeal. "I'm not sure what you are imagining of me, Mai-san, but you'll find that I do not have much capital. I am also a scholarship student."

"Eh, even if that's true, you still can make anything you want happen. Just like that," Mai-san snapped her fingers for emphasis, "You and the Chairwoman arranged for Takumi's operation, Nao-chan's mother's hospital bills, and all the stuff you do own is quite fancy."

"Most are gifts received from various benefactors."

"Hmm, if you say so, I guess…so maybe money isn't the only thing I need. Influence is important too, and you're quite rich in that."

"Is there something Mai-san is requesting in particular? I can have it arranged," I conceded out of impatience.

"No—that's beside the point. I don't want someone to give it to me: I want to have it whenever I want it! But, you know, my grades aren't that great…I'm not like Natsuki who can just glance at an equation once and solve it in her head. There's no way I can keep up with that, and hearing all the talk with the grownups has been dull so…so…"

"Is Mai-san looking to marry rich?"

Instantly I knew I said something I shouldn't have when that girl's eyes immediately lit up.

"Y-you're right! Takumi has been practically adopted into that ninja clan, so I need something like that for myself too, don't I? Ah, but Yuuichi doesn't have a lot of hope, does he?"

My lips pursed into a frown. I hoped to end the conversation there, however, Mai-san placed both of her hands on the table and was leaning over it; she was far too close to me. I did not want to physically retreat so I admitted tersely, "Tate-kun has many virtues, but I'm afraid he will not get far up the corporate ladder. He lacks imagination."

"Eh, I'll work on that. Hmm. Anyway, thank you, Shizuru-san! I never thought about—oh, I could kiss you!"

"I refuse."

"Right, you have Natsuki. But come here! Let me give you a big, friendly hug!"

I immediately ducked my head down to avoid her attack. And so began the chase. That's how you found us, Natsuki. I was trying my best to avoid that girl while she shouted and leered at me, holding her breasts up to me threateningly. Ah, had I known she would grow to be so unreserved, I would not have helped her as I did with her bra back then. Every action I've taken against Mai-san has come back to haunt me. That girl has learned far too much.

In any case, the reason why I remember that unseemly debacle with Mai-san is that reminds me of what I've come to appreciate in my conversation with Sanada-san: we have all taken significant strides to address the adversity we once faced. Mai-san had once been completely beholden to the obligations that restricted her, and now she has found a sense of freedom that lies beyond them. While she no doubt has expanded and improved on the relationships she had before the Carnival, Mai-san has already lost everything she held dear once, and she knows now she can live on without them. This is perhaps why she has become so terrifying, and while I may admire her newfound self-reliance, I do not wish to obtain it for myself.

Sanada-san, on the other hand, has found strength in her care for others. She has discovered that one does not need to sacrifice her will to obtain what she desires. In learning the difference between a care freely given versus one that is taken, she now asserts a confidence that makes her far more respectable. I do not doubt more students will listen to her from now on, and I believe her future lectures and collaborations with the Executive Committee will be dreaded in an entirely different way.

As for me and my influences…I—

I have taken in all of my surroundings; I have learned from my environment. I have cultivated and regrown many of my past relationships to a point where I feel comfortably situated in where I am and who I am now. I can recall my past to inform my future—I can stand between these two existences and I—

I think of when I was resurrected, Natsuki, and how my first words toward you were to beg for your forgiveness. Back then, I couldn't stand the pressure of my actions and buckled under the weight of my unsightly self. Because of that, I put so much onto you—if you did not forgive me, I don't think I would have survived.

But Natsuki reassured me by saying, "It's all right."

I think I can appreciate your words better at this stage in my life: what you said to me back then was exactly what I needed to hear. After all, what I have been seeking all this time hasn't been forgiveness—no, hearing Sanada-san's desire for absolution has confirmed it for me—what I needed from you all this time was indeed acceptance.

To me, forgiveness is akin to forgetting a grievance, to act as if it never existed. It is a cessation of negative feelings, to put an end to an offense. But I don't want to forget—I can't stop being the one who caused those grievances. I still harbor so much ill will and my temper remains ever-so capricious. I need to remember all of this for two reasons: one, so that I do not repeat those miseries; and two, so I can appreciate when they do not occur.

What I want instead of cessation is movement—progression—so that my past mistakes do not have to be the end. Therefore, perhaps everything will be "all right" so long as I go to where I am needed and make better choices when I arrive. I am thus glad for what you've given me in the place of forgiveness. I am very grateful to you, Natsuki, as with everyone else in my life.

The blood on my hands would be darker had the Chairwoman not chosen to resurrect everyone. The destruction of the academy would be uglier if the partnerships and agreements made had not been taken, or if the students hadn't banded together to help with the reconstruction. My hatred for my past would be stronger if my grandmother did not place her hands over mine. I thus owe so much to everyone, and you as well, Natsuki…

This is the thought in my mind when I arrive at the back of the campus. I find that you are speaking to Sakomizu-sensei. How cutely are you conversing with him from behind a tree, as if that makes your discussion more covert. Natsuki has always enjoyed her attempts at spycraft, and I would not want to dissuade you from your interests, especially when I find them so endearing. Instantly my mood lifts and I listen in with a smile on my face.

I overhear you talking to him about the dissolution of the First District before you bring up how you wanted to take time to think about your life. I am pleased to find that you are considering such things too, Natsuki, though I am a little concerned that I have not heard of these plans before. Is this what you wished to discuss with me?

That's why when your homeroom teacher immediately quashes your plans and threatens to hold you back another year due to your poor attendance, I am quite relieved. I decide then that this is an opportune moment to step in to add my own commentary, and so I make myself known.

"Repeating a year? That doesn't sound too bad," I say.

"S-Shizuru."

When you turn towards me, I see the embarrassed look of shock on your face. There's more to that expression than just surprise: there's a little bit of dread in it, which likely could be due to several causes. I simply smile and continue by suggesting, "Maybe I should just forget about graduating."

When I drop my diploma and certificate, both you and the teacher wince as they make a thud onto the grass.

"Fujino-san, please have more respect," Sakomizu-sensei sighs.

"Whatever could you mean? I am looking forward to graduating next year. My hands are empty. See," I say as I lift my hands higher for emphasis.

"Shizuru," you whine again as you walk towards me.

"Was I not supposed to meet Natsuki here?"

"You were but, well…"

As you trail off into another round of nervous stuttering, Sakomizu-sensei simply shakes his head disappointedly in our direction.

"You girls have given me so much grey hair," he laments as he pats the side of his head. He then straightens his back and declares, "Kuga-san, you will attend make-up classes for all of spring break. And Fujino-san, please graduate. Now I'm going to take my leave before you two make me bald."

We both say our goodbyes to him. I am quite amused by his immediate departure as I suppose he is aware of certain graduation customs that you are no doubt about to evoke by calling me here.

When you turn to face me, you hand me the items you've picked up.

"Be more careful with these things, Shizuru," you scold. Our hands brush against each other's during the exchange, and I smile warmly at you.

"If Natsuki isn't advancing a school year, I would like to stay and enjoy another youth-filled springtime."

"I'll take the make-up classes! No more jokes about that, okay! I'm not going to hear the end of it from Suzushiro if you don't."

"Oh, is it the only reason because of Suzushiro-san?" I sigh, pretending to be hurt. For further emphasis, I tuck my diploma and certificate under my left arm so I can hold my right hand to my face in a mock look of concern. "So Natsuki doesn't care about me at all."

"No—not that! You know why, Shizuru!"

"I do?"

"Yes! You do because, well…" you mumble as you trail off again. Your cheeks flush before you shake your head in an attempt to rid yourself of the blush. With a look of determination, you slap your cheeks before you look up at me. "Hi Shizuru."

"Good afternoon," I reply pleasantly, enjoying how I can read the meaning behind each one of your actions. You have always been so expressive. I decide to humor your attempt to reset the conversation. "Natsuki wanted to meet me here?"

"Not here, exactly," you reply before you look back towards the entrance of the garden. "Let's go over there."

"Where?" I tease.

You huff in frustration before simply grabbing me by my right wrist and dragging me behind you.

We enter the garden. You are likely leading me to a spot I am quite familiar with. After all, we first met when we were surrounded by rows of asters. How very fitting as shion is the flower of remembrance.

Oh yes, I remember that I had been looking for a solitary hiding place when I first arrived on campus, so when I found another student with a similar intent, I was quite surprised. I was especially taken by your face. Natsuki has always been so very cute. Your expression of disdain and your air of isolation had been immediately liberating to me as it had been familiar. I thus couldn't help teasing you.

And Natsuki is especially cute right now as she leads me towards that very place. How has that isolated girl I first met bloomed so beautifully, and how has your radiance grown beyond those of the flowers! I can see how red your ears are as they peek out from your hair. This view of you further fills my heart with joy: I remember that time when we ran down the streets of Tokyo together like this. The hand you held mine with had been so very warm—it had been as warm as it was firm as if you were afraid to lose me in the crowd.

When my fingers reach past your wrist, you instinctively adjust your grip so our palms greet each other. I find myself drifting between reality and my recollection, happy to float in this in between.

We stop far too soon. You let go of my hand to face me. The redness of your cheeks matches those of your ears. As I observe your blushing expression, I can hear how the tip of your shoes knock together as you fidget with the strings on your hooded sweater.

"H-hey, Shizuru? You know where this is?"

"I do. This is the place where I first met Natsuki."

"Yeah…it's crazy how long it's been. Four years—almost five now, actually. So much has changed since then, hasn't it?"

"It indeed has," I acknowledge with a small smile as I recall everything that has transpired between us since then.

You seem to pick up on my mixed emotions as you raise your arm to comfort me. The gesture is kind, and I try to focus on that—on the weight of your hand on my shoulder. I know you're about to confess to me, and I have no idea how to respond. As much as I have been anticipating this event, I do not feel prepared. I'm sure it was either Mai-san or Higurashi-san that put you up to this as you are unaware of these kinds of high school traditions. If you simply want a button from my blazer, Natsuki, I will happily give you all of them and more. Right now, I am having trouble composing myself, you must understand.

Your green eyes dart back and forth as you search my face. You then take a deep breath before you turn away from me and face the cultivated wall of aster. Your index finger rises to brush against a flower as you say:

"Shizuru…I…when you first reached out to me back then, everything about me had been frozen. I only lived to revenge my past and all of my emotions were frozen—just like my happiness. I didn't think I could care about anything again…but, somehow, you found me. If you hadn't saved me, I think I would have been crushed under all of that," you admit as your hand surrounds the aster. Instead of crushing it, however, you then change your hold so that you're caressing the back of the petals, "That's why…that's why I appreciated having you in my life."

"I appreciate you as well, Natsuki. My trajectory has been irrevocably changed because of you."

"Yeah…but over time, I think that gratitude has evolved. When you said we were friends back then—for the first time—I was so happy because you were my first real friend. I spent so much time with my mother that, even when I was young, I never really connected to someone my age before I met you. I…I didn't know what friendship was supposed to be like—I didn't have anything to compare it to until I met Mai and Mikoto and the others…and so…and so I realized that what I feel for you, Shizuru, isn't just friendship. Yeah…I like you. I like you a lot."

Your voice is so earnest that it makes my sight unfocused. I feel slightly dizzy. This sensation grows only stronger when you turn to face me again. I feel all that warmth directed at me and my knees grow weak. I thought I had been ready to hear this, but this is too much. And that is all before you say:

"And I don't just like you, Shizuru. You're not just my most precious person—you're more than that. These last few months, I've grown so much closer to you. I've seen so many of your different sides like how hard you work without wanting to be rewarded, and how much you care for others even if you won't let yourself admit it. I've seen you get angry, frustrated, and also your embarrassed and surprised sides too. And I don't just like them…I—I love them! I love being there to see you go about your day—how you make decisions so carefully yet casually—and all the little things you do like the way you trace the rim of your teacup and how soft your hair is! I really like touching your hair and your face when we kiss and—and I want to keep seeing and doing things like that every day! I don't want to live my life without you anymore and—and I can't imagine a day without thinking or being by you, Shizuru! Shi—Shizuru?"

I've grown so dizzy that my knees buckle. My diploma and certificate fall from my loose and unresponsive hands. I collapse into your arms.

"Shizuru! Are you ok, Shizuru?" you ask with so much concern that my eyes begin to tear. Or maybe, perhaps they have already been wet and I hadn't noticed until now. Oh, how closely and carefully you're holding onto me as if you fear I am about to break. Perhaps I am. My arms wrap loosely around your waist as I cover my face in your left shoulder. I will myself to breathe—I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath for so long. What on earth is going on? What did I just hear? Nats—

"Shizuru?"

"Natsuki?" I mumble.

"Yeah?"

"What was that supposed to be?"

"Uh, that was a confession, wasn't it? Did I do it wrong?"

My arms around your waist tighten as I chuckle quietly in disbelief. I can't believe this girl before me, how precious you are to me. Do you even know what you just said?

"Rather than a confession, that was more a marriage proposal."

"Eh?"

"Natsuki said she wanted to be with me forever."

"Um…yeah, I guess I did say something like that—didn't I? Hahaha…but you know, we did share one lifetime together. And that wasn't enough so…so why not one more?"

This girl…this girl is far too much. Oh, Natsuki! Natsuki, Natsuki—how am I to handle you? I cannot avoid your praise as I do the others. It makes me feel so vulnerable and weak as I take the full force of your declarations—they seep into every fiber of my being. And yet, even though I am trembling so hard and I feel like this…I am happy. I'm happier than I ever been, my mind can barely fathom what is happening to me.

Oh Natsuki! Natsuki, Natsuki—how do you affect me so! My arms wrap tighter around you and I can feel how you respond by holding me closer too. I can feel the erratic beat of your heart that chases after my own speeding thumps. Because you are now fully supporting our combined weight, you stumble backward before you manage to sit us down on the brick path before we fall into the asters. My mind still moves on its own volition and—

This girl—this Natsuki—she says she loves me! Those words have never been spoken to me before and how strange it is to be on the other side of them! Is this how it's supposed to feel? I cannot—

"Natsuki says she loves me," I repeat.

"Yeah, I do."

"I…I love Natsuki as well."

"I know. And thank you, Shizuru. Thank you for waiting for me and letting me understand what love means to me. And…and geez, if you start sniffling like that I'm going to too, you know!"

"Meanie," I cry as my tears seep into your clothes. I bury my face deeper into your sweater as you pat my back.

"Takes one to know one, idiot."

We both chuckle amid our tears as we cling together in the center of the garden. I am so overwhelmed. This time, it is not grief that has overtaken me, but joy. Yes, it is happiness that has visited me and now surrounds me in this garden of joy. I am happy, Natsuki. I am so, so happy.

I do not know how long it is that we cling together like this, so close to how we were during both our death and our resurrection. The care I feel from you, combined with all that has happened today—it all burns inside of me as brilliant as it is blinding. The shadows in me recede because of you, Natsuki!

We are unfortunately in a public area, and far too soon does it seem like a few graduates have made their way here to the garden. The sound of their voices reaches us as the outside world encroaches upon our beloved space. We reluctantly part and stand up. With your face still as pink as the cherry blossoms, you cough, clearing your throat.

"We should probably head to the picnic."

"Must we?"

"I wasn't able to eat breakfast, so I'm a little hungry. Let's go."

"Yes."

As we make our way to the picnic, it occurs to me I forgot to retrieve my certificate: I am only carrying my diploma. I do not mind, not when my attention is so focused on you walking beside me. When we arrive at the picnic, so many of the other HiME and the others affected by the Carnival are also there. My emotions are still so fraught and racing that I barely notice the conversations around me; my sight is only on you, Natsuki.

And in all my happiness, there is also gratitude. I am grateful for having met you, and I am grateful to have you in my life. Thank you so much for being with me, Natsuki, and I cannot help but to look forward to what has yet to occur. I know that with you by my side, I can accomplish anything.