It had been a slow week so far for Kyon. He'd only had to thwart at most two, maybe three crises that could have resulted in the End of the World As We Know It, or the rough equivalent anyway. It was probably because they had a week off of school, and Haruhi was busy planning the SOS Brigade's "activities" for the upcoming school year. She'd insisted they do a few things over Spring Break, but the worst thing that had happened was when the Data Overmind tried something on Nagato, which had hardly been Haruhi's fault at all.
So, overall, Kyon had relaxed and done his homework, and barely considered his role as the minder of the strangest group of individuals in the world. After all, he was about to start his second year of High School, and who knew what sort of wild shenanigans he'd be caught up in during his Junior Year?
He was just sitting down to a gaming session to relax a little bit when his phone buzzed. Upon seeing the number, Kyon got a little excited. "Hey, what's up Miss Asahina?"
"Um, hi, Kyon," Mikuru's timid voice said. "I...I need your help. I got some orders from above, and it's [Classified Information]. Oh bother. Um, could you maybe...could you meet me? We're supposed to do something, and um, I think it's kind of important…"
"Of course, I'd gladly help with whatever you need, Miss Asahina," Kyon said, and quickly wrote down the address she gave him before hanging up.
"Kyyyooooonnn, are you talking to a girl on the phone?" his sister asked, grinning up at him immediately as she snagged the controller.
"It's just Miss Asahina, you've met her," Kyon said severely as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. "Don't ruin my save, OK?"
"Kyon and Mikuru sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-"
Kyon slammed the door and stalked off, blushing slightly. The thought of kissing Mikuru...well, it was enough to get any young man excited. Not that he was some sort of pervert, or anything!
"Be nice if I did have a girlfriend," Kyon muttered, shoving his hands in his pocket as he hurried outside. It was a bit chilly for late March, but as he moved he warmed right up, and started to regret dressing so warmly. At least it gave him an excuse for blushing when he found Mikuru waiting for him.
"Oh good, you're here! The [Classified Information] is about to happen! Oh, I wish I could just tell you, it would make things so much easier…"
"That's fine, what's up, Miss Asahina?" Kyon asked, looking around. They weren't too far from school, in a perfectly ordinary part of town. He wasn't even sure what was going on.
"Today, a very important event is going to occur in the life of Haruhi Suzumiya. Or at least, I think it is, my superiors weren't very clear," Mikuru admitted, looking around nervously. "But two travelers from another world are arriving. We have to make contact and prevent a catastrophe."
Kyon perked up at that, though he was a lot less worried than most people would have been at being informed aliens were about to descend up on Japan and possibly destroy their world. Or something, it was always kinda vague what would happen if things really went wrong, but Kyon figured it wouldn't be good.
"Did they come for Haruhi? Are they more Humanoid Interfaces of some kind?" Kyon asked as they started to walk along.
"I...I don't know? Um, one is named Kazuma Sato. He, uh, he's also a little boy who lives across town, and we can't let his older self meet his younger self. That's, um, that's really bad if that happens. It could cause a [Classified Information] which would result in a [Information Classified]. Oh. Um, it's bad," Mikuru said timidly, looking around with a nervous expression.
"So I've been told," Kyon agreed, thinking of his previous meetings with Mikuru's older self, which made him think of Mikuru's mole, and...no, no, serious time, world to save and all that. "So what's the plan?"
"Well, Kazuma and his companion are supposed to arrive right around here, and we need to keep them from going to see his younger self," Mikuru said nervously, looking around and trembling slightly.
"Do we know what they look like?" Kyon prompted.
"Um, well, Kazuma looks Japanese, but he is wearing a green and black track suit and has green eyes. His companion is named Aqua, and she has blue hair. Apparently, they should be very hard to miss, but I didn't get a picture of them or anything…"
Mikuru looked down, blushing slightly at the vague description, but Kyon nodded. "Well, then I suppose we'll have to find them. Blue hair, huh? You don't think…" He started, feeling a cold chill travel down his spine. "...you don't think she's like Miss Asakura, do you?"
"Oh!" Mikura looked up, her expression concerned, and she put a hand on Kyon's arm. "I don't know! Do you think...do you think she's dangerous?"
"Well, if she is, I'll protect you," Kyon said firmly, even though he was quite certain he could do no such thing. Ryouko Asakura had been a deranged Humanoid Interface, similar to Nagato, save for the fact that Nagato had never stabbed Kyon, while an alternate version of Ryouko had managed that, and the original model had given it a very good try.
"T-thank you, Kyon," Mikuru whispered, blushing and looking down as she clutched his arm, which made him do the same. "I wish...I wish I weren't so weak. I'm a time traveler but they won't release any [Classified Information] to me to help."
"We'll get through it somehow. I'll contact Nagato," Kyon said, pulling out his phone and tapping away. He put it to his ear, waiting for a click that told him Nagato had picked up. She said nothing, as usual, simply waiting for Kyon to speak to her. "Nagato, it's me."
"Yes," Nagato agreed.
"Listen, Miss Asahina and I have a little problem. Apparently, two interdimensional travelers are here, and one of them could be a Humanoid Interface."
"I see. I have no data on this."
"It's not the Data Overmind or something else?"
"I have no data on this."
"Fantastic. Listen, do you think you could help out? One of them is a boy named Kazuma Sato. He apparently lives around here. Could you look him up and help us make sure he doesn't meet his future self?"
"Yes." There was a click, Kyon held up the phone to see that Nagato had hung up. He sighed, but smiled. She was quite reliable, that one, even if she was a strange alien being with the social skills of a brick wall most of the time. She was also probably one of Kyon's best friends. Well, no probably about it. Weird as it might seem, the Brigade Members were definitely his closest friends, even Koizumi, or even Her.
"Nagato is on it. We should be fine," Kyon said, and he and Asahina resumed their search.
After nearly an hour, they hadn't found much of anything, until Kyon spotted a woman with blue hair boarding a bus. "That's her, come on!"
Despite sprinting as fast as he could, Kyon failed to catch the bus before the doors closed. He waved and shouted, "Hey! Hey you! Lady, stop the bus, we need to talk!"
Of course, the bus just pulled away, leaving a panting Kyon and Asahina standing on the sidewalk.
"Well crap. Don't tell me that's the bus to the part of town that this Sato guy lives in," Kyon said, examining the bus schedule that was posted at the stop.
"I-I think it is. W-what are we going to do!?" Mikuru stammered, trembling in fear.
"I'll call Nagato again, and Koizumi. Maybe they can help." Taking out his phone, Kyon made two quick calls. Nagato stated she would prevent a disaster, and Koizumi was his usual cryptic self.
"So that's what's causing the disturbance. Don't worry, the Organization will prevent this disaster. She must be concerned about the start of the new school year if such phenomena are taking place," Koizumi mused, and then hung up on Kyon.
"Well that's just great! What are we supposed to do now!?" Kyon cried, looking down at his phone in disgust.
"Um, Kyon, I got a call from my superiors. They, um, they said to meet them...at Nagato's address," Mikuru said nervously, tucking her own phone into her purse.
"At Nagato's? She didn't say anything about that...What is going on here?" Kyon growled, which made Mikuru flinch. "Oh, not you, Miss Asahina. I know I can rely on you. This isn't your fault. You're trying to help, aren't you?"
"Oh! Yes, I am! I- I am certain we'll get more information! And, we can rely on Nagato. She...she's a good friend," Mikuru said, blushing and looking down. "Is it strange to say that, even though she's an alien, and I'm just supposed to be an agent who uses her for information?"
"Not at all. We've shared some important times together. I've grown fond of you all as well," Kyon said, giving Mikuru a smile.
When she started and looked up at him with a luminescent blush, shying away from Kyon slightly, he realized what that sounded like. "Oh! I mean, as friends! Not like that, I would never-"
"I know. We can't, I'm forbidden from forming emotional attachments outside of my timeline," Mikuru said quietly. "B-but you are a good friend, Kyon. Even if it is against regulations." Then she gave Kyon a saucy wink and an impudent grin, reminding him that there was a lot more to the sweet and cute upperclassman than just the persona she put on.
To his surprise, Mikuru took Kyon's arm in hers, smiling to herself as they hurried along. Kyon had to work not to read too much into the gesture, because he got the vague impression that Mikuru was messing with him. This was only reinforced when he caught her looking at his uncomfortable expression and giggling. She removed her arm with another smile. "Sorry, Kyon. I know I shouldn't mess with you like that, but you're one of the only people I don't have to be a helpless moe blob around. Um, not that I don't do that sometimes anyway, but, um, some of it is acting, you know. I don't always be that way…"
"O-of course. It's all for Haruhi, isn't it?" Kyon stammered, fixing his eyes forward.
"Most of the time. But you are my friend, Kyon. I'd like to think that even without Her, I'd still want to spend time with you and the others. Even Koizumi. He doesn't scare me as much as he used to."
"What about Nagato?" Kyon asked curiously.
"She's, um, well...I usually forget she's an alien, actually. She's just...easy to talk to, you know? And she's so quiet and non-threatening...I know she's actually really scary, but these days I have a hard time actually remembering to be scared of her. Silly, I know…"
"No, no, I understand. I think I trust Nagato with my life. Literally, actually, considering," Kyon mused.
"Yes. She's so gentle. I don't think someone like her could really be evil, even if she is a construct. She's my friend," Mikuru agreed. She smiled up at Kyon. "Thank you. I don't get to talk like this with anyone very often. Even among my fellow Time Travelers, everyone's always so secretive. It's nice to have people you can trust."
"It's remarkable the Brigade members are so harmonious, considering our backgrounds," Kyon agreed. "We were all dragged into this by Haruhi, and yet, I've actually enjoyed myself."
"Don't tell anyone else this but...me too," Mikuru giggled.
Kyon was slightly surprised at that, considering the things Haruhi got up to, but he did smile. "Well, I hope this next year will be just as-"
An SUV screeched up to the door of Nagato's apartment building ahead of Kyon and Mikuru. He vaguely recognized it as the sort of vehicle he'd seen Koizumi use along with other members of the Organization, the group of espers that was involved in the Brigade. Kyon had just enough time to wonder what was happening when the door slammed open and two individuals tumbled out.
"THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" the boy of the pair snarled, shoving the blue haired girl off of himself. "YOU COULD HAVE WAITED!"
"I'M DYING!" the girl wailed. "Kazumaaaa, I feel all funny like I'm going to EXPLODE! And Heal isn't working! Take me to a doctor!"
The doors on the SUV slammed open, and several members of the Organization popped out. Kyon recognized some of them, including Koizumi who wore a perturbed expression. "What is going on? Do you require medical attention?"
"It hurts, it hurts, I, I think I'm DYING!" the blue haired girl wailed, grabbing Koizumi around the waist as she kneeled on the ground and shook him violently. "I don't want to die, I can't die! This is a horrible mistake, it's probably Kazuma's fault!"
"OH LIKE HELL IT IS! I'm not the one who got us stuck here!" the Kazuma in question snapped, grabbing the blue haired girl by the ear and jerking her back. "Look. Where does it hurt? We stopped at that convenience store and you ate like three bentos and drank half a gallon of soda! You probably just have a stomach ache!"
The girl continued to wail as Kyon and Mikuru ran up, glancing around to see if they had attracted attention. A few people were peering out of windows at the disturbance, and Koizumi was growing irritated.
"Look, if you need a doctor, we can take you somewhere, but you have to stop making such a fuss, people are going to notice!" Koizumi hissed, looking around. "Ah, Kyon, you're here. I take it you know what's going on?"
"I know these two are supposed to be aliens or time travelers," Kyon agreed, hurrying up.
"Oh screw you pal!" Kazuma snarled, whirling around. "We're not aliens, Aqua just messed up! I live right here in town!" Then he turned back to the girl, who was still blubbering. "Look, just tell me where it hurts!"
"I-I can't, it's p-p-private!" Aqua sniveled.
Kazuma blinked, then sighed. "False alarm, people. She doesn't need a doctor. She's just an idiot. As usual."
"How can you say that!? I'm dying, and you just insult me you stupid NEET!?" Aqua ranted, aiming a kick at Kazuma, only for him to hop back, a smug grin on his face.
"Oh yeah? Tell me, you said you lost your, ah, unique status, right? You got fired from your job?"
"Um, yes, but-"
Nagato stepped out from the car, her expression blank as usual.
"Ah, Nagato, good, can you examine this girl and tell us what's wrong?" Koizumi asked, turning to her. "What sort of life form is she?"
Nagato didn't respond, instead looking to Kyon.
"It might be best if we went inside and let Nagato check her there," Kyon said quietly. "We're making a scene."
"Yeah, sure, come on Aqua. We can treat your 'condition' there," Kazuma agreed, turning and strolling up the stairs without further invitation.
Responding to Kyon's prompt, Nagato took Aqua's hand, and led her up the stairs, using her key to let them all into the buildings. Koizumi's flunkies slunk to their SUV, driving away after a muttered conversation with their Director.
"Where did you find this pair?" Kyon whispered to Koizumi as they went inside the building. "Who exactly are they? Mikuru didn't know much."
"I don't know much more myself, only that when they arrived, Closed Space bent and warped around them in a fashion I've never seen before. We thought we would have a hard time figuring out what was happening, but as you can see, these two weren't hard to pick out," Koizumi said quietly. He glanced at Mikuru and smiled. "You know something you haven't shared?"
"Um, no, my superiors only said that Kazuma shouldn't meet his past self, and that Aqua, was, um, some sort of alien? And that she needed to be monitored," Mikurku answered quickly. Once they were in the elevator, the shy girl pulled out a device, running it over Aqua's forehead and along her chest.
"What's that? Can it play games?" Aqua asked, her pain suddenly forgotten in favor of curiosity. "Did we travel too far into the past for video games?"
"Oh good grief, Aqua. We traveled back in time a decade, not a century!" Kazuma snapped. He looked around. "Hey. What's up. Look, I can sort Aqua out, no problem. She's just being a moron."
"SHUT UP! It really hurts!" Aqua snarled, smacking Kazuma upside the back of his head.
"OW! Ok, fine, YOU figure out what's wrong with you. I don't have to save you, you useless g-girl."
That prompted more tears and wailing, and Kyon's forehead creased in perplexity and concern at the horrible manners from these two. Just who the heck were they? Wasn't Kazuma supposed to be Japanese? Didn't he know how to act?
The elevator opened, and Nagato led them to her apartment, closing the door behind them. She muttered an incantation, which to Kyon's surprise didn't seem to phase either Aqua or Kazuma. In fact, Aqua looked thrilled.
"Oh, you know healing magic? Can you tell me what's wrong with me?! Why does it hurt so much!" the blue haired girl demanded, jumping forward into Nagato's personal space and looking at her with a hopeful expression.
Nagato wasn't bothered by the rude manners, simply finishing her spell. "Scan complete. Subject, Aqua Mizu, is human, though of unknown origin and with DNA anomalies not typically found. No medical conditions detected. Aqua Mizu is in excellent health. Diagnosis: Unknown."
"WHAT?!" Aqua suddenly grabbed Nagato and shook her violently. "HUMAN!? I'm not human, I'm a-"
Kyon's arm snaked out, and he grabbed Aqua, wrenching her away from Nagato with one jerk. He spun the girl around, glaring at her. "Hey! Nagato is trying to help you! Don't you have any manners?! Now what the heck is wrong with you!?"
"IT HURTS!" Aqua wailed, and suddenly crossed her legs, her hands pressing down her dangerously short skirt. "I don't know why, and it keeps getting worse."
"She just told you why, dumbass," Kazuma chuckled.
"HEY! Your friend is in pain, why are you laughing!?" Kyon demanded, pointing his index finger in Kazuma's face. "You two have already caused trouble, and I want to know just who you are!"
Kazuma regarded the finger for a moment, then reached out and pushed it down without answering Kyon's question. "Yo. Aqua. Remember what you told me back at the lake with the alligators?"
"That I was amazing and powerful because I purified the whole lake on my own?" Aqua guessed, looking increasingly discomforted.
Kazuma sighed. "No. That you didn't have to...you know. Go." Aqua blinked stupidly. "Pee. You didn't go pee."
"Well duh. Only mortals have to pee," Aqua muttered. Then she gasped. "B-but I'm mortal now!" Then she slammed into Kazuma, pinning the other boy to the wall and violently shaking him. "KAZUMAAAAAAA!"
Kyon and the others flinched at the sudden wail in the confined space.
"What?!" Kazuma snapped, shoving Aqua back and glaring at her.
Blushing, Aqua looked away and fidgeted. "How...how do you...you know?"
"How should I know!? You're a girl! It's...different, and stuff, for you," Kazuma huffed, turning away and folding his arms over his chest. "Just...go into the bathroom and figure it out."
"Wait. Are you saying...you have to pee?" Koizumi asked, a look of utter bafflement on his face, the normally relaxed smile gone in favor of sheer disbelief. "That's the problem?"
"Oh good grief." Kyon pinched his nose. "Nagato. Mikuru. Can you take Aqua to the bathroom and help her...figure this out? If she's an alien, I guess she hasn't had a human body before and doesn't know how the plumbing works. Er, so to speak."
"Yes," Nagato agreed even as Mikuru went even redder than her hair and let out a high pitched squeak. "Come. Learning the process of waste elimination was a challenge for myself as well."
Aqua hurried after Nagato, and a moment later, Mikuru followed, still as crimson as the sunrise. That left the three boys alone in the hall. Without an invitation, Kazuma walked forward, entering the main room of Nagato's apartment and glancing around with an appraising eye. "Nice digs."
"This is Nagato's apartment," Kyon said, quickly taking off his shoes and setting them neatly by the door.
Kazuma glanced at the gesture, shrugged, and shucked off his own shoes and kicked them randomly behind himself. "Nice place. So, what nefarious plan do you two have for us? Because you look like a couple of kids, and I bet I can totally take you."
"You look like you're the same age as us," Kyon pointed out, still having a hard time with how rude this other boy was.
"Well, looks can be deceiving. For you see, I have spent several years in another land, growing and gaining in strength," Kazuma declared, seeming to strike a pose as he did so.
Kyon and Koizumi exchanged a startled look. Was this stranger a...chunibyo?
"For you see, the man who stands before you now is none other than Kazuma Sato, the HERO OF BELZERG!" This time, Kazuma did strike a dramatic pose, putting his foot up on Nagato's dining table to do so. "I am none other than the man who defeated the Devil King of Belzerg, after laying low a thousand foes, and the mighty Generals of the Devil King!"
Koizumi plastered on a smile, but Kyon let out a sigh. Yep. Definitely a chunibyo.
"Don't look at me like that!" Kazuma snapped, still holding his ludicrous pose. "I totally did! I was isekai'd to a fantasy world! You know, like in light novels or anime!"
"I'm afraid I'm not much of one for such things, but it sounds fascinating," Koizumi said, rubbing the back of his head, that smile still on his face. Instead of doing something normal, Kazuma zipped up, trying to loom over Koizumi, which was hard seeing as Koizumi had a good ten centimeters on the other boy.
"Don't give me that shit eating grin thereI know a faker when I see one. What sort of con are you trying to pull here? If you think you can lure Aqua into a lab and dissect her, you got another thing coming, pal."
"That's a rather wild conclusion to jump to. You have a very active imagination, don't you?" Koizumi said, his smile never slipping.
"Huh huh. Well, just know, as a professional Demon Lord Slayer, you mess with Aqua, you mess with me. And buddy, I can bring the pain," Kazuma snarled.
"I...see. Just how long did you spend in that other world?" Koizumi asked.
"Years. Unlike you two, I am a grown man, cursed now to reside in this form of a young boy, and-"
"Kazuma was in Belzerg for two years, he's just being a chunibyo. Guess Megumin really rubbed off on you, huh?" Aqua commented as she breezed back into the room, looking much happier.
Kazuma froze, then twitched before slowly rounding on Aqua. "Why did you have to ruin my story!? I was there for two years, I'm technically eighteen now!"
"No matter how old you get, you'll still be a stupid NEET," Aqua sniffed as Nagato and Mikuru came into the room.
"We have explained the mechanics of voiding waste to Aqua Mizu," Nagato stated, which makes Aqua jerk and go bright red, while Mikuru blushed and looked down. "If she requires further assistance, I can explain how to properly operate a human body. Is this acceptable, Kyon?"
"Yeah, er, thanks, Nagato," Kyon sighed, running a hand over his face.
Aqua began to weep again, and Kazuma reached for her. Kyon jerked forward, expecting the other boy to do something rude and violent. But instead, he gently rubbed Aqua's head. "It's OK, Aqua. We'll figure this out and get back to Belzerg in no time. Eris is probably looking for us, right?"
"No, if we time traveled, she doesn't have any reason to," Aqua sniffled, leaning into Kazuma's hand. "A-and if I'm really human, I can't do anything…"
"Hey, I'm lucky, right? Maybe there's some local goddess or something. These people seem to have some sort of secret society or whatever. Hey, you know any espers or goddesses or something?" Kazuma demanded.
"If you want to call her that, though I suggest you don't, it would inflate her already enormous ego," Kyon sighed.
"Wait, really? There is someone who can take us back to our world or whatever?" Kazuma asked, perking up. He glanced at Nagato. "She can do freaky magic stuff, is she a wizard or something?"
"Negative. I am a humanoid interface for the Data Overmind. I have data manipulations abilities, but I do not possess 'magic' as defined in human terms," Yuki stated. "The Data Overmind has directed that I gather data on the being known as 'Aqua Mizu.'"
"Really? Why is the Data Overmind interested in her?" Kyon asked, pointing to Aqua, who was hiccuping and shivering slightly.
"Unknown. Possible connection to Haruhi Suzumiya. Further analysis is required."
"Ok, you clowns keep talking about this Haruhi Suzumiya person. Who is this chick?" Kazuma demanded. "And what the hell is the SOS Brigade?"
Kyon let out another groan. This was going to be his entire day, wasn't it? Haruhi wasn't even here, and yet, it was still her fault.
"I think it's easier if we just tell you the basics," Kyon sighed. He looked around at his fellow brigade members. "Everyone agree that's the best path forward? You just know Haruhi wants to get her hands on a couple of sliders."
"Sliders? You have burgers? I want some!" Aqua said eagerly, licking her lips.
"I could go for a bite I guess. You people ever hear of serving your guests tea?" Kazuma demanded rudely.
"Um, Nagato, I can make the tea," Mikuru mumbled. "You um, you want to get some food? This might take a while…"
"I will procure sustenance for our new members," Yuki agreed, and walked over the kitchen with Mikuru.
"Well, I guess we should read you in," Koizumi laughed, kneeling on the floor. "Well, I think Kyon can probably explain it the best. Who we are, and more importantly, who Haruhi Suzumiya is."
"Like I care," Kazuma grumbled as he slumped onto the floor. "I just want to go back to Belzerg. Life was way more fun there."
Aqua sat down, but her attention was on the kitchen as Yuki prepared some rice balls and Mikuru made tea.
"It all started about a year ago. Well, further back than that, really, but I didn't know it at the time," Kyon explained, taking a seat as well. "I suppose I should just start with the first day of high school, and the first time I met Haruhi Suzumiya."