3. Membership Requirements
"Right, so like, it's cool and all that you got stuck with a useless goddess of your own," Kazuma said around a mouthful of food. "But what the hell does it have to do with me and Aqua?"
The supposed SOS Brigade sat across the table from Kazuma and Aqua, with only the two of them shoving food into their mouths in a most undignified manner. You wouldn't have even known they had stopped for food at Aqua's insistence less than an hour ago, save for the slight eye twitch that Koizumi had developed.
"Hmm, I don't remember any Haruhis…" Aqua muttered, scratching her head. Then she blinked and rounded on Kazuma. "I thought you said nix-nay on the oddess-gay!"
"What? You speak pig latin?" Kazuma asked, ignoring the real question at hand.
"Of course I speak pig latin! I speak every language, I'm a you-know-what!" Aqua ranted. "Sure, I was just in charge of Japan, but you realize that people from all over the world come here and die, right? I had to sort them all out, so I got the standard Speak in Tongues package!"
"Wouldn't that be Christian?" Kazuma asked, wrinkling his forehead.
"Let's not go there. That department is a pain in the ass to work with. Anyway, the point is, I thought this was all supposed to be some big secret!" Aqua said, poking Kazuma in the gut.
"Well it was, until they said they have a goddess they've been saddled with too!" Kazuma snapped. He leaned across the table and rested a hand on Kyon's shoulder, making the other boy recoil slightly at the blatant violation of half a dozen customs and basic decency. "Listen, I feel you, buddy. I too have been cursed with a useless goddess I have to look after and-"
There was a loud THWACK and Kazuma's head snapped to the side as a very irate Aqua slapped him. "I AM NOT USELESS! I ALWAYS BROUGHT YOU BACK, AND I GOT EXILED FROM HEAVEN, AGAIN, JUST TO BRING YOU BACK!"
"OH FINE, YOU'RE NOT USELESS, YOU'RE JUST AN ASSHOLE!" Kazuma roared, grabbing Aqua and shaking her even as she put her his shoulders. "I'M STUCK IN THE PAST AND...AND…" And Kazuma broke down sobbing, which made Aqua freeze in the act of strangling him. "And everyone and everything is gone! Megumin, Darkness, Iris, Dust….they're gone! I lost my powers, and I'm just a useless NEET again! At least you still have your powers."
Gently, Aqua pulled Kazuma close. "Shhhh. It's OK, we're together still. We...we'll find a way out of this."
After a very ugly cry session from both Kazuma and Aqua that made their hosts extremely uncomfortable (except Nagato, who actually found the entire experience fascinating, not that you'd know it from looking at her) the two of them finally composed themselves. Mostly.
"So, what?" Kazuma hiccuped, holding a tissue to his nose and blowing loudly. "We get this Haruhi to send us back?"
"Absolutely not," Koizumi said firmly. "In fact, I'm starting to reconsider having you two anywhere near her! What's this about Aqua being a goddess?"
"I...I was the goddess in charge of Japan's young people," Aqua sniffed. "I worked for the Chief Goddess and...and I sent young people who were willing to other worlds to be heroes."
"Oh good grief," Kyon groaned. "Don't tell me that's her whole deal here…look, Haruhi doesn't know that she's a goddess. Actually, we don't know what she is, really. Just that she seems to be able to affect the world around her with her desires."
"If you're really a goddess, how are goddesses made? Are there others you can contact?" Koizumi demanded.
"Well, I mean, we just sort of appear usually. Or we're the reincarnations or the uplifting of certain mortals. That's how I recruited Eris," Aqua said, scratching at her head. "I dunno, I guess the Chief made me? I don't remember ever being mortal. Um, before now."
"Nagato, do you know anything about this?" Kyon asked, turning to the silent girl.
She shook her head once. "Supposition of the existence of divine beings has been postulated by the Data Overmind. No concrete evidence exists to substantiate these claims."
"Um, um, I…" Asahina looked around, seeming to be slightly panicked. "I do know, it's, ah, ah, [Classified Information] that [REDACTED] and we know [Access Denied]. Ohhhhhh!"
"The hell is wrong with her?" Kazuma demanded, squinting suspiciously at Asahina.
"I...I can't say it! I'm sorry! B-but maybe Aqua is right!" Asahina stammered, flushing and shrinking in on herself.
"It's ok, Asahina. What you've said, or rather, what you can't say, tells us a great deal," Koizumi said, steepling his hands and leaning forward.
"You need glasses to pull off the Gendo pose pal," Kazuma opined, which made Koizumi blink and look down at his hands.
"The...what now?"
"Come on man. Evangelion? That was out basically before I was born, so you totally have to know what it is," Kazuma said, scooping up another rice ball and popping it into his mouth.
"He is implying you resemble Gendo Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion, an animated television show which originally aired from 1995 to 1996," Nagato stated. "I am uncertain why. You bear little physical resemblance to said character, who is an adult male with a beard."
That got a reaction from the other three members of the SOS Brigade, who all jerked back and stared at Nagato, who simply sat there, regarding Kazuma flatly.
"See? Robot chick gets it. What, are you some sort of Rei expy?" Kazuma teased.
Nagato cocked her head to one side. "Uncertain. The Data Overmind collected various samples from Earth and especially Japanese cultural artifacts to base humanoid interfaces upon. It is possible Rei Ayanami was used as a basis for my programming."
"Holy shit, you really are an alien," Kazuma laughed, ignoring the reactions of the Brigade, who were shocked that Nagato had said so much in the first place, but even more so that she knew about this subject at all.
"Oh! I really liked Evangelion! You do remind me of Rei, I liked her!" Aqua said enthusiastically, which made Nagato nod.
"I noticed the parallels."
"N-Nagato, when did you, ah, watch Evangelion?" Kyon asked, peering at her closely.
Nagato looked over at Kyon, and deliberately blinked once. "The manga adaptation was in the Literature Club's collection."
"Oh. I see. Did you like it?" Kyon asked, obviously reaching for something to say.
Nagato seemed to seriously consider this, then nodded once. "Yes."
"That's, um, good." Kyon turned back to Kazuma, who was regarding Nagato suspiciously. "So. The reason you're here is we think Haruhi brought you to this world, because she's bored. She wanted new members for the Brigade, and picked the two of you."
"What?! That's not right, I'm just here because my boss was a rude jerk!" Aqua declared. "Some no account goddess who doesn't even know who she is can't make ME do anything, because I am a SENIOR goddess, and I am far too powerful and amazing to ever be controlled by some nobody!"
"Well, clearly, it's been a long day for both of you. You must be tired. Come on, I have a fully furnished apartment in this building you can have," Koizumi said, suddenly standing.
Kazuma and Aqua seemed happy enough to go along with this, and eagerly followed Koizumi down the hall to just what he had described. There were dust blankets over the furniture, but it was easy enough to remove those.
"I'm afraid there's no food or clothing, but we'll fix you up with something shortly," Koizumi said. "There's also only one bed. We can get in another one if you'd like."
"It's fine for now," Kazuma said dismissively. "Aqua and I have shared before and this is better than a haystack. I call dibs on the bath first."
"What!? No, I get to use the bath first!" Aqua ranted, sprinting for the bathroom with Kazuma hot on her heels. "I'm a goddess!'
"No you're not, you're mortal. And besides, I believe in gender equality!" Kazuma declared as he struggled with her.
"Well, you two seem like you'll be just fine. I'll leave my number by the phone in case you need anything," Koizumi said, then left with his two guests still arguing about who got to take a bath first.
"Definitely lovers," Koizumi muttered as he closed the door behind himself, his smile instantly fading. He scowled, looking back for a moment, then shook his head. This was too great a puzzle. He hurried back to Nagato's apartment, pasting a smile back on his face as he opened the door. "Well, that was quite the unusual event, even for us."
"You have a fully furnished apartment in Nagato's building?" Kyon asked, glancing up from where he and the others were still sitting.
"Yes, the Organization was using it to spy on the Data Overmind, but I've canceled that recently. There's no need any longer. While I don't know if I can trust the Data Overmind in general, Nagato has shown herself to be perfectly trustworthy."
"Well I suppose that's a relief, and it's useful you had it," Kyon admitted, then he sighed. "Good grief. What are we going to do with those two though?"
"That's what I wanted to discuss with you all," Koizumi said, looking around at Asahina who looked troubled, and Nagato who looked...well, like a stone faced robot.
"Those two are dangerously volatile and unstable. Aqua being a goddess, or at the very least, a former goddess, is troubling in the extreme. Dealing with Chief Suzumiya is bad enough, but with another on the scene, well, things could get complicated. I'm used to dealing with situations like this, but I don't want to make the call on my own. What are your own thoughts on the matter? Not speaking as a member of your own groups, but as members of the SOS Brigade."
"I...uh, well...I think maybe we need to keep an eye on them," Asahina blurted. "Kazuma at least is a time traveler, and Aqua, well...I don't really know if she is what she says she is, but maybe...maybe she could teach Miss Suzumiya how to control her powers?"
The others all turned to Asahina, Kyon blinking in surprise, Koizumi nodding thoughtfully, and Nagato blinking, as if she were attempting to emulate the human gesture.
"This line of reasoning is logical. My scan indicates that Kazuma Sato and Aqua Mizu are both human, but with aberrant qualities. They are not humanoid interfaces, but they possess alterations to their DNA that while within the deviation one would consider human, have rendered them something else as well."
"If nothing else, those two will give Haruhi someone else to bother," Kyon said with a shrug. "Sure, let's have them join. Or at least, have them come to school. Could you manage that, Koizumi? I know you control the Student Council, what about the staff?"
"I have key agents in place that can make the necessary adjustments," Koizumi agreed, smiling and nodding pleasantly. "Very well, I suppose it can't hurt to try, and Asahina's point is well made. Perhaps having someone around who has experience as a deity could be advantageous. I'll make the necessary arrangements. This will be… interesting. I do hope Miss Suzimiya is at least entertained."
With that, Koizumi stood and bowed. "Thank you all for your assistance. I'd best see to things, and check on the development of Closed Space. Good evening."
Asahina bolted up as soon as Koizumi exited, flushing and bowing nervously. "Um, I...I have to go too. Thank you, Kyon, Nagato, for your help! And, um, I hope my ideas were good…"
"I think it's a great idea," Kyon agreed, standing hurriedly as well. "If someone could help Haruhi control her outbursts, that would be a good thing, right? We'll just have to be careful."
"Yes! Um, thanks, Kyon. I...I want to be someone you and everyone can rely on, not just someone who gets dragged along…" With another hasty bow, Asahina scurried off, looking flustered but pleased with herself.
As soon as the door closed, Kyon realized he was alone with Nagato, who had stood as well and was now regarding him silently. He coughed, and smiled, feeling a bit awkward, though they had been alone together before. "Well. Those two are quite the couple, aren't they? Thanks again for your help. I'm trying not to rely on you so much, but you always come through."
"You believe them to be romantically involved?" Nagato asked, her expression as neutral as ever.
"With the way they act? They're either dating or siblings," Kyon said with a snort of disgust. "Either way, they're obviously very close. Their behavior didn't bother you, did it?"
"No."
"Well that's something I suppose. If you need help keeping an eye on them or they're bothering you, give me a call or a text OK?" Kyon said, smiling at Nagato a bit sheepishly. "I want to be someone you can rely on as well."
"I do."
That got Kyon to give a genuine smile. "Thanks, Nagato. Really, do call if you need my help."
"I will."
Kyon shuffled awkwardly for a moment, then coughed. "Well, I guess I should be going as well. Home work and stuff. I'll see you later."
"Goodbye." Nagato walked with Kyon to the door, then solemnly stared after him as he left, blinking twice as she watched him go. Once the elevator door closed on Kyon, Nagato quietly closed the door after him, then set about cleaning up after everyone. If she was a little more animated in her motions, it would have been hard to notice. Almost as hard as the slight quirk of her lips in a small private smile.
The next day, Kyon had been up and puttering about the house for a few hours, attempting to do his homework before the next school year started, but really he was too distracted. The new year was already looking like it was going to be a wacky one, and as much as he was trying to act disinterested and uncaring, he was really interested to see how Haruhi would react to this. If nothing else, it would be amusing to have her get a dose of her own rude medicine from Kazuma and Aqua.
"Just better hope she doesn't destroy the world in retaliation," Kyon muttered. A minute later, his phone buzzed, and he pulled it out to find a message from Haruhi herself.
ATTENTION! Last year, the SOS Brigade accomplished many great things!
"Yeah. Like saving the world. From you," Kyon muttered as he kept reading.
This year, we must propel ourselves to even GREATER heights! There is a mandatory meeting today at 3pm SHARP at the park! All club members MUST attend if they wish to continue to be a part of this legendary organization! No one may skip it! THAT MEANS YOU, KYON!
"Sure thing, Miss Bossy Pants. Guess that homework isn't getting completed after all," Kyon complained, even though he'd been goofing off and watching Evangelion instead of actually working. He'd never seen the show before, but it was sort of interesting. He wondered what had made Nagato like it so much though. She didn't seem that much like Rei to him.
Kyon made his way to the park, getting there a good five minute before three. He spotted the others already assembled, and a familiar voice shouted at him, "You're late, Kyon!"
Haruhi waved frantically to Kyon, her stern glare being ruined by her broad grin, though it did make her look rather unhinged. She had on her chief's armband as usual, though today she was dressed in a somewhat normal looking skirt and blouse, with her hair pulled back by the traditional yellow ribbon.
"It's not even 3 o'clock yet!" Kyon protested, gesturing to his watch in irritation. "I'm early!"
"To be on time, one must anticipate the needs of their leaders, and I got here first, so you're late!" Haruhi declared. "Right? Right! Now, come on! We have to prepare our rigorous challenges for those fresh faced recruits who are sure to want to join us!"
"Who's going to want to join our club?" Kyon asked. "Don't tell me you've been scouting out the Freshmen."
"Of course not! Only exceptional people are allowed to join the SOS Brigade! It is perfectly balanced between a cute moe mascot, a mysterious silent type who hides her true feelings, a transfer student with a hidden agenda, and of course, a boring normal person to balance things out."
"Well if you're normal, what am I?" Kyon asked, only for Haruhi to laugh uproariously.
"You're the normal one! I am the fearless leader, blessed with great insight and ability! Now come on, we have to start our planning session." Haruhi took off, striding towards a covered picnic table, with MIkuru scurrying along after her.
"How are our guests doing?" Kyon asked quietly as he, Nagato, and Koizumi followed after.
"They're out shopping right now for school uniforms. I've got them both registered as incoming freshmen. I figured that way, if they need to disappear, she won't notice as easily," Koizumi said, giving Kyon a confident smile.
"Any problems for you, Nagato?" Kyon asked, slowing his step slightly as Haruhi began unrolling several complicated looking diagrams.
"No. We dined together this morning. I taught Aqua further waste elimination protocols. She displays frequent emotional distress. Possible result of temporal displacement and transition to a human body."
"And what about Kazuma? He wasn't rude, was he?" Kyon asked as Koizumi continued forward, pausing with Nagato.
"Yes," Nagato said, nodding once. "I do not mind."
Before Kyon could explain that he would gladly teach that knuckle dragging moron some manners if he insisted on abusing Nagato, Haruhi yelled, "KYON! Stop flirting with Nagato and get over here! It's very important that everyone understand their role in preventing the Brigade from being contaminated!"
"I wasn't- We were just talking about homework!" Kyon snapped, stalking forward as Yuki followed him silently.
"Pff, I finished mine ages ago, it was pathetically easy. Stop being such a slacker, Kyon! Now, ATTEN-SHUN!"
Despite himself, Kyon snapped to attention along with Mikuru, who stiffened and snapped off a perfect salute, then blushed and slowly lowered her arm so that it wasn't at such a crisp angle. Koizumi fell in quickly enough, while Nagato just stood next to Kyon, unblinking and immobile.
"Right! Now, I have a very important mission for all of you!" Haruhi said in a fair approximation of a gravely general's voice. "I have been informed that each club is REQUIRED to have an application process for new members, and, if they pass, we are forced to admit them."
"Yeah, that's how clubs work, in case you've forgotten," Kyon muttered under his breath.
"WHAT WAS THAT, SOLDIER!?" Haruhi demanded, standing on her tiptoes and sticking her nose in Kyon's face.
"I said, 'Understood, ma'am,'" Kyon said, turning away in embarrassment.
"WHAT WAS THAT, SOLDIER!?"
"I said, UNDERSTOOD, MA'AM!" Kyon bellowed, arms snapping to his sides as he looked rigidly forward despite Haruhi still being millimeters from his face.
"Good!" Haruhi stalked alway, putting her hands behind her back and pacing before her 'troops.' "Now, I will not allow anyone to join the SOS Brigade! Only INTERESTING people are allowed to join this club, and also Kyon! As such, I have designed a series of tests that only the most extraordinary of candidates could ever hope to pass!"
"BEHOLD!" Haruhi gestured to her diagrams, and cackled madly. "The SOS Brigade recruitment exams!"
Kyon broke ranks to step forward and examine the charts, frowning at them. He picked up the first one. "Physical fitness? This is just running laps and lifting weights! But only a professional athlete could pass this."
"Exactly! Any recruit who can do so isn't just some ordinary highschool student!" Haruhi agreed, snatching away the carefully drawn diagram. "But this is only the beginning! Check this out!"
The next diagram showed an arcane series of trials, which was referred to as "Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker." It appeared to be a cross between half a dozen different varieties of card and board games, with obtuse rules and an outcome that would be a cross between tactical brilliance and sheer luck to be able to overcome the odds stacked against the players.
"What is this? Did you seriously create all the pieces for this?" Kyon demanded of Haruhi, setting down the diagram and rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Of course not! That's what you're all here to do!" Haruhi laughed. "But that's not the best part! Behold, my MASTER STROKE!" Haruhi slammed down a third and final diagram. "This will reveal all!"
Kyon peered at the final illustration, which showed a panel of five judges in a game show-like setting. The contest seemed to include a series of trivia questions, skill challenges, a modeling competition, and to top it all off, a vote by the panelists. "Even if they can pass through all the other rigors I have laid before them, prospective recruits must still impress us enough with their merits to earn a supermajority vote from current Brigade members! At least four of us must sponsor them to join the club!"
"So it's just a popularity contest," Kyon sighed. "Right, fine. So we have to help you create these challenges?"
"Of course! Make it as hard as possible! I want only the very best to join the SOS Brigade!" With that, Haruhi set to work, pulling out several bins of arts and crafts supplies and setting about making the materials for her very complicated game with the overly long name.
Kyon sat down and got to work creating the trivia cards, including bits of philosophy, history, science, and whatever obscure facts he could come up with. "Nagato, you read a lot. Help me with these. I'm sure you know a lot of trivia questions."
"Yes," Nagato agreed, and sat down with Kyon as Mikuru and Koizumi helped out Haruhi. It was actually an almost normal thing to be doing, if you ignored the context of why they were doing it and the actual content. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Though Kyon doubted that either Aqua or Kazuma could pass any of these requirements. They both seemed like morons, and despite their wild claims Kyon doubted they were lucky or skilled enough to beat Haruhi's insane game, or physically capable enough to pass the physical exam. And with their personalities, there was no way they could win enough favor with the judges during the final portion no matter what happened.
"Guess it will be a year just like the last one," Kyon said with a slight grin. He wouldn't even mind the insanity. Especially if it meant he got to rub Kazuma's face in that annoying boy's failure before he was shipped off somewhere he couldn't do any harm.
Several hours later, Haruhi dismissed her followers, though only after insisting that they splurge on a lavish feast of take out noodles and pork bowls, washed down with several sodas.
"Perfect! No ordinary person will ever be able to beat THIS game!" Haruhi cackled as she packed away the monstrosity she had unleashed. "Dismissed! I will see you all on Monday!"
Kyon headed out, finding himself walking along with Koizumi. "So. How did the shopping trip go?"
"Not well," Koizumi sighed. "Members of the Organization are able to put up with a lot, but dealing with those two was a challenge. They demanded top of the line gaming equipment and all sorts of outrageous things. Somehow they even managed to badger poor Miss Mori and Mr. Arakawa into buying most of it as well. It will end up being quite the drain on our funds. Oh well. I'm sure we can recycle it for a future event for Miss Suzimiya if needed. She does seem to enjoy such distractions from time to time."
"You don't have to pretend you know. I'm aware you're the boss of your Organization," Kyon pointed out as they walked along.
Koizumi laughed, and gave what seemed to be a genuine smile. "Sorry! I'm just so used to having to hide everything. But I suppose there don't need to be any secrets between us now, do there? Tell me, what do you think of those two, and of the upcoming year?"
"I think that Haruhi is going to grind them up and spit them out. We'll see if she has any further use for them after that. Personally, I'll find it amusing just to see her pick on someone else for once," Kyon grumbled.
"True enough. Well, get some rest. The school year starts in just two days. I'll keep an eye on those two, don't worry. You just keep being our tranquiliser dart for Miss Suzumiya's outbursts, alright?"
Kyon sighed and nodded. "That's me. Saving the world by being completely normal and boring."
"Don't say that," Koizumi said, the smile vanishing. He put a hand on Kyon's shoulder. "You're a remarkable individual, Kyon. Level headed, steadfast, and able to adapt quickly. I'm grateful I can rely on someone like you."
"I...thank you, Koizumi. I suppose I rely on you too, and your apparently unlimited resources," Kyon said, feeling slightly awkward.
"Not as unlimited as I would like, but they are substantial." Koizumi nodded and removed his hand. "You're a good friend, Kyon. Honestly, I'm sort of looking forward to starting another school year with the Brigade. Quirks and all, it's good to have friends. Not just subordinates."
"Yeah. I guess it is," Kyon admitted. "But I do have to get that homework done."
"Me too, actually. I just never found the time. Hey, want to work on it together? It would be nice, to pretend to be a couple of normal high school kids for once."
"I...yeah. That sounds good. I'll call my folks and let them know you're coming over," Kyon agreed, and Koizumi's face split in a broad grin.
What a life. Who knew that a normal guy would be able to call an alien, a time traveler, an esper, and god herself his friends.
Just as long as those two jerks didn't ruin everything.