A sound disturbed Kazuma's rest, and he blinked his eyes open to try to figure out what it was. Next to him, Aqua muttered and shifted in her sleep. They still hadn't gotten that second bed, mostly because they had managed to convince the schmucks who had taken Kazuma and Aqua shopping that such money was far better spent on a Gamecube. Kazuma had given in on that one, as Aqua had protested that "There was no Animal Crossing on the PS2!" Besides, Smash was on the Gamecube.
The sound came again, and Aqua groaned and put a pillow over her head. "Kaaaazuuuummmmaaaaaa. Make it stopppppp."
"Ugh, fine." Kazuma scratched at himself and yawned, then slid out of bed and went to the door to address the issue of someone ringing the doorbell. Outside, he found that robot chick, Nagato, standing on the threshold.
"What?" Kazuma demanded.
"It is Monday," Nagato stated.
"Right. I get that. The hell does that have to do with you ringing our doorbell at some ungodly hour?" Kazuma demanded, still feeling irritated.
"It is 7:00am. We must be at school early today for orientation."
"Oh. Well, I mean, do we have to go to school?" Kazuma asked, frowning slightly.
"Yes. Kazuma Sato and Aqua Mizu must attend school to join the SOS Brigade for data collection on their interactions with Haruhi Suzumiya."
"You're going to keep ringing the doorbell if we don't agree to come?" Kazuma asked suspiciously, and Nagato nodded once. "Fan-friggin-tastic.I'll get Aqua up. We'll be out in a few."
Nagato nodded, and Kazuma closed the door. He took half a step away, then turned back to look through the peephole. Nagato was just standing there in her school uniform, book bag in her hand, waiting. He sighed and opened the door. "Come inside. You can at least hang out here."
"Yes," Nagato agreed, and stepped over the threshold. Then she just stood in the doorway, patiently.
"Oh, come on. Here. Play some Smash like a normal person or something," Kazuma ordered, pushing Nagato into the room and handing her the Gamecube controller.
"Kazuma? What's going on?" Aqua mumbled, rubbing at her eyes and coming out of the bedroom dressed in her PJs.
"School. Yuki came over to escort us or something," Kazuma said with a shrug. Behind him, he heard Nagto tap away on the controller, the theme for Melee blaring in the background. "Come on, gotta get dressed."
"Ugh, I hate going to school! It's so boring and I never understand half the crap we have to learn!" Aqua complained as they went back into the bedroom.
"Since when have you ever had to go to school? They have one for goddesses or something?" Kazuma demanded.
"Huh? No, we went to school together. Remember, with Tanya and Ainz and everyone else?"
"Sure," Kazuma agreed, deciding it was too early to talk about that kind of crap. He got dressed quickly enough in the lame school uniform that they'd given him, sloppily tying the tie and not bothering with the buttons on the jacket.
"That's not how you do it! Ugh, come here," Aqua said, and grabbed Kazuma, quickly undoing his tie then expertly doing it up herself before straightening Kazuma's clothes.
"Gee, thanks. Didn't know you cared. Where'd you learn to tie a tie?"
"I just know," Aqua said with a shrug. "Fashion is a kind of art after all."
"Oh, right, thanks, that totally explains everything! Come on."
In the main room, Nagato was still playing Smash, taking on three level 10 NPCs and soundly beating them.
"What, Kirby? He's low tier trash," Kazuma opined, but Nagato ignored him. "Whatever. You got a lunch?"
"Yes," Nagato answered, not taking her eyes off the screen as she executed a complicated series of combos that juggled all three of her opponents with ease.
"Great. Aqua, you make the bentos today. I'll fix us some breakfast."
"We have cereal for breakfast! That hardly counts as fixing breakfast!" Aqua accused, but she whipped up two lunches with relative ease, though she used mostly leftovers and cold ingredients as they didn't have time for much more. After slurping down some cold cereal (Kazuma preferred rice, but Aqua loved the surgery western fare) they headed out the door with Nagato.
"I unlocked Marth," Nagato stated as they stood in the elevator.
"Oh? Cool. He's pretty good. We haven't played much on Smash," Kazuma said with a shrug. "You seem pretty good. You play a lot?"
"I have played Super Smash Brothers Melee for 23 minutes and 47 seconds," Nagato answered.
Kazuma furrowed his brow. "Isn't that just how long you played just now?"
"Yes."
A cash register sound played in Kazuma's head, and a slow, evil grin spread across his face. "Oh really. Well then. The Five Gods better watch out."
"What gods? Have you been seeing other gods?" Aqua asked suspiciously. "You know you're supposed to follow me, even if you did cheat with Eris."
"Oh shut up, I don't follow either of you! I'm talking about Smash!" Kazuma snapped, and thus began the argument that would cover several subjects, and last all the way until the trio arrived at North High.
"-and that's why we should have gotten a PS2 instead of a Gamecube!" Kazuma finished. "You could have just played Harvest Moon as a girl!"
"I don't care if I have to play as a boy, PS2 doesn't have Animal Crossing," Aqua muttered darkly as a shape detached itself from a nearby alcove. Two hands reached out, resting on Kazuma and Aqua's shoulders, making them both jump.
"Why good morning! And how are our two favorite new freshmen doing?" Koizumi asked, a polite smile on his face.
"Jesus dude, don't sneak up on us like that!" Kazuma snapped, brushing Koizumi's hand off his shoulder.
"I just wanted to say hello. And good morning to you, Nagato," Koizumi said, exchanging a node with the taciturn girl. "Now. You two are going to behave yourselves today, aren't you?"
"Duh, why wouldn't we?" Aqua demanded. "I'll have you know that I am always a model of good behavior. Don't worry, I'll make sure Kazuma doesn't do anything too stupid."
"Me!? At least I've BEEN to Highschool! Also, why the hell do we have to be-" Kazuma cut off as Koizumi put his hand on Kazuma's shoulder again and squeezed just a bit harder than was comfortable.
"Shouting about things you shouldn't is a good way to cause problems. Remember your story: You are still Kazuma Sato, as that's not too rare of a name. You moved here from Nagano, along with Aqua. I think it's best if we say the two of you are dating, that way-"
"WHAT?!" Both Aqua and Kazuma screeched, and immediately began shouting over one another.
"Not dating HIM! That's totally-"
"-useless goddess with no attractive features-"
"-hikiNEET who spends all his time-"
"-debt ridden, pathetic blue blob-"
"-pervert who always makes everything-"
"-definitely not dating her!"
At the end of it, both Aqua and Kazuma were panting and glaring angrily at Koizumi, who's smile had slipped for a moment to a look of pure incredulity.
"I...see. Well, ah, forgive me for assuming that. But please, do try not to cause such a fuss...You do know how to behave at school, right?"
Aqua nodded. "Yeah, just do whatever Kazuma wouldn't do."
"Yeah, exact-HEY!"
"I'm...not certain I can trust the two of you unsupervised," Koizumi said slowly, his smile fixed on his face as a dawning sense of horror came upon him.
"Oh relax. We're not kids, you know. Hell, we're even older than you are! I'm eighteen, and Aqua is...how old are you, anyway?"
"I dunno. You sort of lose track after the first millennium or so," Aqua said with a shrug.
Nagato, who had been silently observing without comment, shifted slightly. "Time can be difficult to accurately quantify when experienced on non-human scales."
"Yeah. Except for when I'm with Kazuma and the others. Then things are actually fun! Come on, Kazuma. Let's go get ready for school! Hopefully there's no smelly undead like last time. Ugh, that was just the worst."
"I told you, Wiz isn't that bad! But we've got to stow our stuff. Come on, it should be over here. All the schools are basically the same 'cause the government's too cheap to buy new plans or whatever."
Kazuma and Aqua wandered off, leaving Koizumi and Nagato alone together. Koizumi let out a heavy sigh, and scrubbed his face with both hands before pasting his smile back on. "And I thought Miss Suzumiya was a challenge to deal with. Those two...I can't be the only one who thought they were involved with one another right? Were you getting that impression from them?"
After speaking, Koizumi remembered just who he was talking to and almost told Nagato nevermind, but to his surprise she answered. "Uncertain. Human mating rituals are complicated, and I have not fully analyzed them. Current data indicates that many humans are unaware of their own feelings, or are unable to express them appropriately, leading to ambiguous situations."
"I see," Koizumi said slowly, turning to frown at Yuki. "And what does the data indicate for those two?"
"Further analysis is required. Do you wish for a summary later?"
"Yes. Yes I do. If a goddess and a human are compatible in that way...the implications are...interesting," Koizumi mused.
"Yes. I am running extensive analysis. More data is needed. The situation must be monitored closely."
"Couldn't have said it better myself. Well. Shall we?"
After the orientation, Kazuma and Aqua arrived in their class. "This sucks. Why do we have to be in Class 1-B? The heroes are always in Class 1-A," Kazuma grouched as they walked into the rather ordinary classroom.
"Huh? We were in Class 2 last time," Aqua said.
"You keep saying that. When the hell did that happen?"
"You remember, at our old school!"
"Oh, right, of course," Kazuma agreed, thinking that Aqua was talking about the cover story that Koizumi had cooked up (and that Kazuma had ignored) and not about that one time he'd been shanghaied into an alternate universe multicrossover and then had his memories erased.
Why could Aqua remember? Well first, literal deity, and second, she's too stupid for a mind wipe to take.
I'm sure that won't be important later.
Anyway, for a few minutes, Aqua and Kazuma actually managed to behave in a manner that could be mistaken for normal as the teacher called the class to order and made their own welcome and introduction. Most of the freshmen felt a mixture of excitement and nervousness to be starting on their high school careers, though Kazuma looked distinctly bored and Aqua had on her usual vacant-but-happy face.
When it was Kazuma's turn, he sauntered up, and waved to the class. "Yo. I'm Kazuma Sato. Call me Kazuma, because there's already like three Sato's in this class anyway. Guess we're together or whatever. I'm from Nagano, same as Aqua. As for my hobbies, guess I like to play games? Yeah, that's all."
No one really seemed to be bothered that much by Kazuma's little speech, with most of the class labeling him as "very informal" and "otaku." He sat back down, and Aqua popped up, having been given the seat right behind him. This time, the class paid very close attention. Kazuma tended to forget, but Aqua was drop dead gorgeous and had attracted notice from the moment the class had laid eyes on her.
Skipping up to the front, Aqua gave everyone a big smile and a happy wave. "Hello! I'm Aqua, um…"
"Mizu," Kazuma supplied, his eyes closed as he leaned back and attempted to take a nap.
"Yes! I'm Aqua Mizu! I am also from Nagano! Um, I am very happy to meet all of you! I enjoy all sorts of things, especially arts and crafts, but also I can do some neat tricks! Check this one out! Nature's Beauty!"
Kazuma cracked an eyelid as the class ooo'd and aww'd at the water suddenly spurting from Aqua's twin fans and out of the top of her head. With a grunt, he stood up, stepped to the front of the class, and grabbed a squealing Aqua by the ear. "Yo teach, we're going to the bathroom. Be right back."
"OW OW OW KAZUUUUMAAAAAA!" Aqua wailed, but before the gobsmacked teacher could say anything, Kazuma had hauled Aqua out into the haul and to the restroom, never letting go of her ear.
Inside, a very confused boy froze at the sink as Kazuma jerked a thumb over his shoulder, the sniveling Aqua right behind him. "Occupido, pal. Hoof it."
"Er, um, this is the boy's restroom and-"
"I said beat it!" Kazuma snapped, and the other boy paled and ran out. After a quick check of the stalls, Kazuma whirled on Aqua. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"
"I was just showing them my party tricks! What's so wrong with that?!" Aqua demanded, forgetting her pain in favor of anger and irritation.
"There's no magic in this world, that's what's WRONG with it you brain dead moron!" Kazuma snapped, poking Aqua in the forehead with his index finger. "Look, you start showing off all your little party tricks and someone's gonna realize you're not using sleight of hand, you're just straight up making water appear from nowhere! And then they'll take you to some lab to dissect you or whatever and I'll have to go bust you out and it would be a huge pain in the ass! It's way more comfortable living in Smiley the Esper's pad with our stuff than having to go on the run!"
At Kazuma's tirade, Aqua started to snivel, and by the end of it she was bawling. "I-I-I'm s-sorry, Kazuma, I don't want to get dissected! I...I'll just do regular party tricks not the ones that need mana! I, I can juggle, and do card tricks, and pull a rabbit out of a hat, no wait that one I have to create the rabbit, but I'll be good! Don't let them take me away!"
"Look, you might be a useless goddess, but you're still my best friend. I'll look out for you, OK? Just no more magic! Unless, like, it's an emergency or whatever, or we're back in our apartment alone," Kazuma sighed, running his hand through his hair.
"T-thank you, Mr. Sato," Aqua blubbered, taking Kazuma's hand. "Y-you're my best bud too."
"Sheesh, don't get all mushy on me. Come on, let's get back to class before people get suspicious."
When they got back to class, Kazuma got a chewing out from the teacher for running off, while the girls tried to comfort Aqua.
"That Kazuma is so rude! I can't believe he would treat you like that!" one of them whispered to Aqua as the teacher started to ramble on about the expectations of behavior.
"Yeah, Kazuma's a total jerk. He never even lets me use the bath first," Aqua agreed in a tone that was just a bit too loud.
Heads snapped around, and the teacher's voice ground to a halt as people's eyes nearly bugged out of their head at this revelation.
"O-oh. Are...are you cousins? Or siblings?" the girl managed, looking embarrassed and deeply intrigued.
"Please, as if I would be related to a hikiNEET like him. No, we've just known each other for a super long time. I basically saved his life a bunch of times, so he totally owes me," Aqua said in a stage whisper, a smug smile on her face.
"W-wow, so, um, you two are...close?"
"Don't get any ideas," Kazuma said, turning away from the teacher. "Sure, you did save my life a couple times, but I'm the one who kept YOU from starving to death."
"Please. I am far too amazing to starve to death. With my incredible talents, someone would have taken me in," Aqua sniffed.
"Are you two quite finished?" the teacher demanded.
"Sure, go ahead," Kazuma said, mozying back to his desk. "Boring conversation anyway."
The teacher really wasn't sure how to respond to that, and stumbled through the rest of the rules for the year, keeping an eye on her two new problem children. They had, of course, ended up sitting together, but she was considering breaking them up. Of course, that would mean she wouldn't get nearly as much juicy gossip, and this revelation was going to go over great in the staff lounge. Freshmen living together? Were they connected to the yakuza somehow?! And here she had thought school might be boring this year without Suzumiya in her year.
The first day of school slipped on by for Kazuma and Aqua, and soon it was lunch.
"Where should we eat? Should we go up on the roof or something?" Aqua asked, pulling out her bento.
"Hey, Mizu, you can come sit with us for lunch," one of the more attractive girls who already had a following of her own offered. "I'm Yobun Moji, I'd love to get to know you better."
Moji was attempting to develop a clique, and figured that as Aqua was easily the most beautiful girl in the class, having her (and her drama) along would boost the popularity of anyone around her.
"Hey, Kazuma, I forgot drinks, buy us some!" Aqua ordered, setting out her bento and utterly ignoring the girl behind her.
"Why don't you buy them yourself?" Kazuma demanded in irritation, setting out his own lunch on his desk.
"Because you always get two! So you only have to buy one. Get something sweet and sugary!" Aqua ordered, and Kazuma muttered to himself and slouched away.
"Mizu, are you trying to get rid of him? Is he your boyfriend?" Yobun asked again, not wanting to give up on her chance at ladder climbing.
"Huh?" Aqua looked around, and realized the girl was speaking to her. "Oh, right, I'm Mizu! And Kazuma is totally not my boyfriend! He's so gross!"
At that news, several boys (and a few girls) perked up.
"Oh really? So how do you know him then?" the girl asked, sitting down in the desk next to Aqua's. "How did you save his life?"
"Oh, a bunch of different ways. I'm an amazing and talented, um, doctor! Yes, I can heal just about anything, including that moron. He keeps getting in over his head and killed by people, like that jerk Hans. He was a general-, er, a very scary bad guy! Yes, he, er, killed Kazuma but I brought him back to life!"
"Wait, Kazuma was killed?" the girl asked suspiciously, her nose wrinkling.
"Yeah, we really like playing MMOs, don't we, Aqua," Kazuma said, his hand falling on Aqua's shoulder and making her freeze. "We play a lot of Final Fantasy XI."
"What, no! You like Final Fantasy! I'm talking about when we had to rescue the city from the water supply getting poisoned by Hans, don't you rememb-"
Kazuma shoved his hand over Aqua's mouth and smiled at the room. "Ignore her, she confuses fantasy for reality sometimes. It's totally a quest in Final Fantasy XI."
"But I don't remember any quests in XI where you have to stop a water supply from being poisoned by someone named Hans," a pimpled nerd said in a nasally voice.
"Then it was in MapleStory!" Kazuma snapped, glaring at the boy. "Because only an idiot would think we went around fighting evil! We're just a couple of k-OW!"
"Don't cover my mouth like that!" Aqua snapped, spitting and wiping her mouth after having bitten Kazuma's hand, again.
"Are you...foreign?" Yobun asked slowly, eyeing Aqua and Kazuma with increasing interest.
"Yes. That's why she's so weird. She's originally from America. She's half Japanese, that's why her first name is Aqua. Which you should call her, because that's what Americans do," Kazuma explained, thinking on his feet. "Come on, Aqua. I got your stupid juice."
"Yes! I always wanted to eat on the roof like in an anime!" Aqua said, forgetting their squabbles and following Kazuma up to the roof.
The door was locked of course, but with a little concentration Kazuma's pick lock skill was able to get it open. It seemed his abilities still worked, he just had to focus harder and they took more out of him to use, as well as not being quite as strong.
"You know, this isn't so bad," Aqua said around a mouthful of rice. "It's not like in Belzerg where we have some crazy mission."
"You say that now, wait until they make us have to learn stuff," Kazuma warned.
"Yeah, but I mean, we can just get this Haruhi to send us back, and then I can go to heaven and you can do your NEET thing in your mansion," Aqua said with a shrug. Then she slouched slightly. "I...I'll miss you, though. These past two years...they were fun."
"Yeah. Best years of my life. You...you're a pretty good best bud, Aqua," Kazuma said, feeling a little skeevy and sad for some reason. "Glad I got to show you some of Japan. Even if it's just the lame boring part."
Aqua nodded mutely, and they finished their lunch in silence.
The deranged duo returned to a classroom that was 100% convinced that they were either secret agents, on the run from the law or the yakuza, or total liars. Interestingly, depending on your point of view, all three theories had a degree of incorrectness to them. Except the total liars one. That was completely true.
The rest of the day Kazuma managed to catch a few Zs (and not get called out on it as his timid teacher bought the Yakuza theory, especially after what the administration had told her about those two) while Aqua did some utterly stunning drawings in her notepad when her attention wandered, and the rest of the class spread enough rumors about the both of them to paint them with any brush you pleased.
"Well that was boring," Kazuma yawned as he stood and stretched.
"How'd you know? You slept through most of it," Aqua said as she happily tucked away her notebook and colored pencils.
"Oh? So what did the teacher tell us?" Kazuma demanded as he slung his backpack over his shoulder.
"I don't know. School stuff. Be good, do your work, and stuff like that. Honestly I don't know how mortals put up with it. At least our last school was more interesting than this, this place is-"
Aqua cut off as a human sized ball of energy and chaos skidded to a halt before her and Kazuma in the hall, a wide grin fixed on her face.
"So it's true! You are here! Well, I can't have someone like you going to waste, that would be a complete shame!" Haruhi Suzumiya demanded, sticking her face centimeters from Aqua's.
"Woah, lady, personal space here, OK?" Kazuma said, roughly shoving Haruhi away with one hand."
"I don't have time for normal people like you," Haruhi snapped, bowling past Kazuma to get even closer to Aqua, who had frozen solid, her eyes wide as dinner plates and twitching slightly. "Well, I have a mission for you, Aqua Mizu!"
"Y-yes ma'am!" Aqua cried, stiffening to attention and snapping a salute.
"You are to undergo the trials to join the SOS Brigade! If you are able to pass them, a fantastic reward will be yours!"
"R-really? You...you would do that? For me?" Aqua gasped.
"Of course! Tryouts are this Saturday after school! If anyone can pass, I'm sure it will be you!"
"Yes, of course!" Aqua agreed eagerly, nodding so fast her hair ornament nearly came off. "And...and if I do, you'll let...you'll let Kazuma come with me, right? H-he's my best bud…"
"Hmph. Well, does he have anything remarkable about him? I'm not interested in mere mortals," Haruhi declared, examining Kazuma, who leaned away from her, his lip curling in disgust.
"H-he's not just a regular mortal! He's my friend, and, and he's brave, and smart, and he has all kinds of useful skills, and-"
"Fine, fine, I suppose he can come too!" Haruhi agreed, waving a hand dismissively. "But he has to pass the trials too, you understand?"
"Y-yes, Chief!" Aqua agreed, saluting again, then bowing deeply.
"Ha! I see you already understand what it takes! Well, perhaps you are worthy after all. Now I've got to get going, there's just so many potential new recruits!"
"Yes ma'am! Thank you ma'am!" Aqua babbled, still bent over in her bow as Haruhi scampered off, barging into the next freshman class.
"What the hell has gotten into you?" Kazuma asked, frowning after the upperclassmen and the chaos that swirled in her wake.
"K-kazuma, t-that, t-that was-"
"Haruhi Suzumiya, yeah? That chick who we were supposed to meet or whatever. Seems kinda bossy to me," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Come on, let's get home we-"
"No! That wasn't Haruhi!" Aqua hissed, grabbing Kazuma and dragging him down the hall to a secluded spot. She looked around, then took a deep breath, and smiled, tears forming in her eyes. "That...that was the Chief Goddess!"
"Huh?" Kazuma said, frowning at Aqua. "Come again?"
"That was her! That was the Chief Goddess! She must have decided to let me back into heaven if we can pass these trials or whatever!" Aqua exalted.
"Wait, hold on, you mean-"
"Yes! You'll be able to go back to Belzerg, with Megumin and Darkness, and I, and I…" Aqua burst into tears, slumping down onto the food and squatting on her heels as she rocked back and forth.
"Woah, woah, hey, what's the matter? You've been trying to get back to heaven for two years now," Kazuma said, squatting himself and putting an arm around Aqua. "This is what you wanted, right?"
"No! I mean, yes, I mean...I don't know," Aqua wailed, suddenly throwing herself on Kazuma and sobbing into his shoulder. "I just...I just...I always knew I would have to say goodbye, because you're all mortals, but, but...I didn't want it to be so soon!"
"I mean, we'll see each other again, right?" Kazuma asked, feeling slightly sick to his stomach for some reason. Had Aqua given him a bad lunch?
Aqua sniffled, pulling away and taking out a hankie to blow her nose. "M-maybe. But I'll be a goddess again, I'll be busy. I… I won't have much time for you, and...and it won't be the same."
"I mean, Eris manages it, I'm sure you will too," Kazuma said, rubbing Aqua's back.
Aqua stopped crying, then looked over, frowning at Kazuma. "What do you mean, Eris manages it?"
"Eh, ask her about it when we get back," Kazuma said with a grin. "You'll figure it out."
"Well, OK. Besides, what's important is that you get back to Belzerg. You belong there, not in Japan." Aqua stood and dabbed at her cheeks, then turned and let out a shriek as Yuki Nagato stood stone faced behind her.
"It is time to depart," Yuki stated. "I must stay and perform my duties here. Return to your dwelling. Do not cause further disturbances. You have disrupted the social dynamic of the school. However, you have also intrigued Haruhi Suzumiya. Further analysis is required to determine if you have succeeded here."
"That's what we were going to do anyway," Kazuma snapped. "Besides, we don't need Haruhi, Aqua has a plan."
"No, Kazuma, she said to pass the SOS Brigade trails. That's what Haruhi wants too, right? So we can help Yuki and do what the Chief said!" Aqua laughed. "Come on, I want to play at least a little Animal Crossing before I have to go back to the Divine Realm!"
"Yeah, fine, whatever. I figure I'm just going to play some DOTA and school some noobs on that PC they got for us."
And with that, our clueless "heroes" departed the school, as the universe got just a little bit more interesting.