Chapter 5: Gotta Go Fast
Despite the arrival of two sliders who were odd even by SOS Brigade standards, Kyon's first week of his junior year of highschool went by relatively normally. The SOS Brigade's activities were limited to Haruhi shanghaiing the eternally abused Mikuru into various cosplays from the past year to drum up more Freshmen to try out for the club, as well as forcing everyone else to work on her absurd challenges. By this point, Kyon figured it was physically impossible for anyone to actually pass, which made Haruhi's efforts to find new recruits all the more baffling.
"Why are you trying so hard to get people to try out?" Kyon demanded as Haruhi produced twin maid outfits with an expression of malicious intent. It wasn't that he was morally opposed to seeing two beautiful girls in maid cosplay, more that he felt it was his duty to provide some sort of protest before ogling the goods so to speak. "You're acting like you want people to join, but these tests are so over the top no one will actually manage to pass them!"
"Well, obviously, if there are any espers, aliens, or time travelers, they have to hear about the SOS Brigade if they're going to join, so we have to let them know!" Haruhi snapped, trying to get around Kyon to the whimpering Mikuru.
"What about sliders?" Kyon blurted before he could stop to think.
Haruhi paused, looking up at Kyon with a suspicious glint in her eye. "Why? You know any?"
"Don't be ridiculous! I'm just wondering what, exactly, your entry requirements into the Brigade are!" Kyon huffed, folding his arms over his chest and glaring right back.
"They have to be INTERESTING, obviously! I'm thinking at least that Yakuza Princess in Freshman Class 1-B is fascinating enough to join. Now are you going to get out of my way or what!? I thought you had a maid fetish!"
"M-my fetishes are none of your concern! You're the one with the cosplaying festish! Why are you bullying poor Miss Asahina again? Did you even ask her if she wants to dress up like a maid?" Kyon protested, despite the fact that he totally did have a maid fetish and was flushing redder than Mikuru.
"Don't you want to see me and Mikuru in a meido outfit?" Haruhi sniggered. Then she jumped backwards, grabbing Yuki's arm, though the quiet girl never looked up from her book. "Or would you rather see Yuki wearing it?"
"I-" Kyon swallowed, which made Haruhi frown at him. "Mind your own business! Why are you bothering Nagato, you've never made her dress up before!"
Slowly, Yuki closed her book, then looked up. "Kyon."
"Er, yes, Nagato?" Kyon asked as Haruhi tugged insistently on the other girl's dress with malicious intent.
"Should I wear the maid outfit Haruhi Suzumiya has?" Nagato asked, her tone utterly serious, her eyes boring into Kyon's.
"I, er, well, do you...do you want to?" Kyon stammered.
Yuki considered this for a moment, then nodded. "I do."
"Ha! You see! Now you HAVE to Mikuru! If Yuki's going to-"
Kyon didn't hear anything further as Yuki allowed Haruhi to begin to pull off her blouse, and he rapidly exited the room along with Koizumi who had put away their latest efforts to design the world's most bizarre board game.
"My, Miss Suzumiya certainly is energetic this year. I'm surprised she's fixated on Nagato dressing up this time. And I wonder who this Yakuza Princess of hers is?"
"Who do you think?" Kyon groaned, scrubbing his hand through his hair. "Even I've heard about the supposed foreign mafia girl and her rude bodyguard. Could it be anyone other than those two?"
"I suppose not," Koizumi chuckled, shaking his head. "I do wonder though if they'll be able to pass the trials. Miss Suzumiya seems intent that only the worthy shall join our little group."
"What will you do with those two if they don't pass?" Kyon asked curiously.
Koizumi smiled, his usual expression, but he closed his eyes as he did so. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to."
While Kyon was still digesting that incredibly ominous response, the door opened, and Nagato stepped into the hall. The sounds of Mikuru and Haruhi's antics were still emanating from the room, so Kyon hurriedly closed the door behind her. He had to work hard to keep a straight face, as Yuki's stern expression combined with the frilly maid outfit was just too adorable for words.
"My, you do look cute in that maid outfit. I suppose you're something of an untapped resource in that regard, aren't you?" Koizumi chuckled.
Nagato looked at the taller boy for a moment, then shifted her gaze to Kyon, who had to look away as he'd been staring. "Kyon. Do you believe this outfit is 'cute?'"
"On you, definitely," Kyon agreed fervently, then kicked himself for sounding like a randy pervert.
Nagato didn't seem perturbed however, merely stepping to the wall and waiting as if she'd been turned into a statue. A few moments later, Haruhi and Mikuru appeared, both of them in less conservative versions of the same outfit, showing a lot more leg thanks to the shorter skirts.
"Well, what do you think?" Haruhi demanded, putting her arms around Yuki and grinning broadly. "Her boobs aren't as big as mine or Mikuru's, but she's got that vibe about her that nerdy types will just love! Oh, here, I found these for you, Yuki!"
Haruhi pulled out Nagato's old glasses and punked them on the other girl's face with a grin, only for Yuki to reach up and remove them. "Kyon does not have a glasses fetish."
Three heads snapped around to Kyon, and Mikuru sucked in a sharp breath.
"N-Nagato!" Kyon gasped, jerking away as Haruhi stalked forward and poked him in the chest.
"Just what have you been doing, Kyon!? Corrupting Yuki! How DARE YOU! I ought to-"
"I did nothing of the sort!" Kyon protested lamely, shrinking before the iriate leader of the SOS Brigade. "Honest, I swear!"
"I'm sure Kyon didn't mean anything," Koizumi said, smoothly stepping forward. "I must say, you look quite beautiful yourself, Chief Suzumiya."
"Oh, you think so, huh?" Haruhi said, spinning to glare at Koizumi. "I've got a bunch of perverts in my club I see!"
"You're the one who can't keep her hands off the other girls," Kyon said under his breath. He apparently wasn't quiet enough, as Haruhi turned and narrowed her eyes at him.
"Hmph. Come on, ladies. We're going to find some new club members. Maybe there's some interesting boys who have proper taste." Haruhi stalked off, and with a small gasp Mikuru hurried after, with only a quick glance at Kyon before she caught up to Haruhi, trembling slightly.
Nagato did not immediately leave, instead looking at the glasses in her hands, then up at Kyon. She silently held out the glasses, which Kyon hesitantly took. She nodded seriously, then turned and followed after the other girls.
"Well. This situation is getting volatile," Koizumi said, his smile slipping for a moment, but then it was firmly back in place. "Come on. Let's finish that project."
Kyon slipped back into his seat, carefully pocketing Nagato's old glasses. They worked in silence for a few minutes, until Koizumi set down his scissors and glue, folding his hands on the table and assuming a stern expression. "Kyon. I have spoken to you of this before, but it cannot be overstated: You are very important to Miss Suzumiya's emotional state."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Kyon grumbled, but Koizumi held up a hand to forestall him.
"I am not finished: Do not forget who and what Yuki Nagato is. She may look like a cute girl of our age, but she is in fact an alien being, artificially created only four years ago to observe Haruhi Suzumiya by the Data Overmind."
"She's really more like 600," Kyon said, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair. "Don't forget: She can remember all 15,532 reoccurences of last summer, even if we experienced only one."
"That just reinforces my point," Koizumi said in a lecturing tone. "She is not human, she is alien."
"How human are you? Are any of you?" Kyon countered. "I'm the only normal human here. Judging Nagato because she's an alien seems a little hypocritical of you if you ask me."
"Perhaps. But you becoming involved with her, or with Miss Asahina, or even Miss Suzumiya herself could trigger an unknown emotional response in our Chief. And that is something I wish to avoid," Koizumi said, his tone measured and even, but his eyes as cold as ice. "This is a matter of life and death, Kyon. Or do you forget when you were trapped in Closed Space and the world nearly ended? Of what you did to reawaken Snow White, and free Sleeping Beauty?"
Kyon's chair snapped back upright as he jerked forward. "How did you-"
"I have my sources. You are not as discreet as you think, nor are the others. I am simply saying this: Right now, things are peaceful. Disrupting Miss Suzumiya's mental state could have far reaching consequences we can only begin to understand," Koizumi said. Then he smiled, taking up the craft supplies again. "At least, that's my opinion on the matter. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be fine. I know I can rely on you to do the right thing, Kyon."
Bleary eyed, Kazuma stumbled to the door to let Yuki in. She simply walked past him, making straight for the computer. As soon as she'd seen Kazuma playing Starcraft (having come over for "testing" the new Gamecube on Smash) she had taken an immediate interest. Kazuma was pretty sure she wasn't an alien at all now, and was just convinced Yuki was Korean. No one else could possibly have that many Actions Per Minute or micro their units with the same efficiency.
"Good morning to you too," Kazuma grumbled as he stumbled back towards the bedroom.
"Yes," Nagato agreed as she started up her game.
Kazuma walked into the bedroom, where Aqua was trying to pretend to be asleep. "Wake up," he said, poking the drowsing goddess.
"But it's Saturday," Aqua whined, trying to hide under the covers.
"Yeah, well, we still got a half day of school. And remember what today is?"
"You just said it's-OHMYME!" Aqua bolted up, flying out of her PJs and into her school clothes. "The Chief Goddess is coming today! I have to pass the trials!"
"You think she'll be there?" Kazuma asked, ignoring Aqua as he struggled into his own uniform.
"She has to be, or maybe she'll send an observer! But either way this is my chance to get back to the Divine Realm and for you...for you to go home…" Aqua hiccuped, but quickly finished dressing.
Kazuma did as well, feeling a pang in his chest. He wasn't developing a heart condition was he? He stopped Aqua as she tried to push past him through the door, and she spun, glaring at him.
"What? Why are you-"
"I'll miss you," Kazuma said gently, resting a hand on Aqua's shoulder. "You were a good friend and-"
Aqua practically jumped into Kazuma's arms, squeezing him tightly. "I'll miss you too, best buddy. Try...try not to die too often, OK?"
"I'll do my best. After all, you won't be there to bring me back, right?" Kazuma chuckled nervously, gently patting Aqua on the back.
Despite Yuki ostensibly being present to ensure Kazuma and Aqua arrived at school on time, they had to practically drag her away from her round of Starcraft, where the humanoid interface was microing dozens of units with perfect precision, taking on six AI opponents on the hardest difficulty and making it look easy. Kazuma was going to have to get her into ranked play at some point and have her compete for cash prizes. Well, if he wasn't going back to Belzerg he would have. Such a waste. Yuki had potential on the pro gaming circuit.
"Do not forget: you must attend the SOS Brigade Trials today after school, located on the track," Yuki stated when they arrived.
"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, we'll pass whatever lame challenges this Haruhi chick cooked up," Kazuma agreed.
"You must attempt them. To pass the trials would be impossible for a normal human without outside intervention," Yuki replied in her typical monotone.
"Pfff. I'm not a human, I'm a goddess!" Aqua giggled.
"I'll say," a boy walking behind her agreed, and his friend sniggered.
"See? Even these mortals understand," Aqua said, flipping her hair over her shoulder and grinning broadly.
"He was saying he thinks you're hot, Aqua," Kazuma grunted. "He was hitting on you."
"Hitting on me?" Aqua asked, blinking in confusion.
"It is a colloquialism for expressing romantic interest. I have experienced this phenomena as well," Yuki said as she turned to go.
"WHAT?! They can't do that! Kazuma, make them stop!" Aqua ranted, glaring after the two boys.
"Just relax, we'll be out of here soon. Besides, you never cared when people leered at you in Belzerg," Kazuma pointed out.
"What?! When did they do that?! Mortals can't perv on me, I'm a goddess!"
"Sheesh, keep it down, will ya? Don't need to blow our cover on our last day here," Kazuma hissed, glancing around, but no one seemed to notice Aqua's tirade.
"Oh, fine. The Chief is going to owe me some really good bubbly after this," Aqua grumbled, then acceded to going into class with Kazuma.
As usual, Kazuma and Aqua spent their entire class period goofing off. Kazuma was too anxious to nap properly, instead doodling in his notebook, while Aqua began folding some very ornate origami cranes. The teacher was too flustered to do much about it, as the one time she called Aqua out Kazuma looked up at her and asked, "Yeah? And what are you going to do about it?"
At which point the teacher decided Kazuma was DEFINITELY a Yakuza thug and wondered if he had a tattoo and promptly quit bothering either of them. This was even better than her soap operas.
After the dismissal bell rang, Kazuma and Aqua changed into their gym clothes (having been warned by Yuki) and headed out to the track, where several dozen freshmen were waiting. Most of them were from Kazuma and Aqua's class and were mostly there to see the drama unfold, but a large number of students had been intrigued by Haruhi's fantastical claims, or the cute girls.
"So is this, like, the cosplay club?" Yobun asked curiously, studying Haruhi, who was dressed in a bunny girl outfit, Yuki in maid cosplay, and Mikuru who was dressed as a cheerleader.
"This is the Spreading Excitement all Over the World with Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade!" Haruhi declared, posing and throwing up her fingers in a V sign. "And you, prospective recruits, are here to earn your place within the club! First, we must weed out the weak, those who are not strong enough to be a part of my club, we shall-"
"Oh just get on with it already!" Kazuma called, which caused Aqua to slap him upside the back of his head and then roughly shove Kazuma into a bow.
"We are sorry! We will pass your trials, Chief! You can count on us!" Aqua babbled, bowing herself.
"Hmph! Let us see! Your first trial is to see who can last the longest in a marathon! Only the top 20 contenders will continue! And us three girls will be participating as well!"
"What?!" Kyon snarled, looking up from the camera he was fiddling with to film while Koizumi held a microphone on a boom towards Haruhi. "How can you make-"
"ONE TWO THREE GO!" Haruhi roared, and took off sprinting on the track. Mikuru let out a squeak and hurried after, her body bouncing about in ways that got every boy (and several girls) immediate attention. Yuki silently jogged after them, and despite wearing such long skirts, easily kept up without stumbling or tripping.
"Come on Kazuma!" Aqua wailed, and sprinted off, Kazuma hot on her heels despite his loud complaints.
It wasn't long before Aqua left Kazuma in the dust, running as hard as she could as she blubbered and wailed. Haruhi noticed the blue haired girl catching up to her, and redoubled her efforts. This left Mikuru behind in the dust after a brief sprint, though after a few seconds of stumbling she settled into a good pace that would have done most conditioned athletes proud... If it weren't for the fact that she obviously wasn't wearing proper support and was crying piteously as she ran with a complete lack of form, her arms up as if she wanted to show off just how much jiggle she had.
As for Yuki, she simply kept up with Haruhi, not even breathing hard as the Chief of the SOS Brigade was soon lapping the entire field, going at a dead sprint. For a wonder, Aqua, despite crying enough to make those who noticed question how much liquid was even in her body, was keeping pace, simply running behind Haruhi beside Yuki. It was a display of super human speed and stamina that, for those paying attention, proved that none of those girls were even remotely normal.
For his part, Kazuma caught up to Mikuru, and began enjoying the view, grinning at her lecherously and waggling his eyebrows. "Hey. Come here often?"
"Um, um, um," Mikuru hiccuped, then began fresh wails and went faster, only to trip when the three sprinters burned past them, Aqua jostling the clumsy girl and sending her sprawling.
Haruhi had her head down and was sprinting for all she was worth trying to prove she was faster than anyone, while Yuki seemed to be floating in her long dress, her breath still steady and even. Aqua was wailing and screaming, "CHIEF! CHIEF SLOW DOOOWWWWNNNN! KAAAAZUMMMAAAA, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAAAAAAULLLLTTTT!" How she had enough breath to do so while moving at a pace that would have been difficult for Usain Bolt to maintain was a mystery that the laws of physics had given up on, as they were currently taking some much needed vacation time.
"Hey, you OK?"
Mikuru blinked, shaking her head slightly as she blinked and looked up at Kazuma, who was frowning at her, hand extended.
"Eh?" Mikuru blinked at the hand, then recoiled slightly. Then she burst into tears. "I...I hurt my ankle…"
"Shit, really?" Kazuma looked, and Mikuru showed him her bruised and injured leg. "Oh. Well, it's OK. Here, keep quiet." He reached out and grabbed Mikuru's leg, which caused Kyon to go ballistic and nearly drop the camera, and Mikuru to go as red as the sunset before a storm. At least until Kazuma muttered, "Lesser Heal."
Mikuru blinked, her embarrassment fading. She slowly stood with Kazuma's help, then stood on her leg, which was tender, but functional. "I...I feel better! What did you do?"
"Nothing. Can you run? Wouldn't want you to get kicked out of your stupid club. Ask Aqua to look at it later, she's better at this than me."
"Um, OK?" With that, Mikuru resumed her pace, Kazuma at her side. She looked at the boy out of the corner of her eye, only to find him enjoying the view of her bouncing beauties again. She let out an eep and turned away, but didn't protest furter.
"You get off on this, don't you?" Kazuma chuckled. "You're just like a friend I know."
"I don't! H-how dare you!" Mikuru wailed, and then covered her chest with her hands and ran away from Kazuma as fast as she could, only for him to easily keep up.
"You totally do, don't you? You act all meek, but you're really a pervert at heart!" Kazuma laughed. "You're enjoying this entire display!"
"I DO NOT! I HAVE TO!" Mikuru blurted, stopping and turning around so fast that Kazuma rammed right into her, sending both of them sprawling. Mikuru pushed him off, her face red not with shame, but anger this time. "You shut up you stupid pervert! I don't care if you ARE from a different time plane, I'm not going to stand this no matter what my orders are!" Mikuru hissed. "They MAKE me do this! I...I don't enjoy it!" Then she stood up and started running again.
Slowly, Kazuma got up and brushed himself off as the gasping main body of applicants ran around him. "You'd have more fun if you did!" he yelled, then took off running. He glanced at Kyon, who was being restrained by a concerned looking Koizumi.
"Send me the video later, I'll enjoy it!" Kazuma called, giving a jaunty wave.
"HOW DARE YOU!" Kyon roared, despite already having determined he was going to be keeping a copy of the video for "personal use" later.
It wasn't long before people started dropping off, several of the freshmen giving up even before Mikuru tripped. Within 30 minutes, the field had narrowed down to twenty, with Kazuma going off to the side and sprawling on the grass, bored.
"What are you doing?" Kyon snapped. "Tryouts are still happening."
"Yeah, but she said we'd keep going until there are twenty left, and there's only 19 people on the track now, so it's pointless to keep going, and I lapped a few of them anyway," Kazuma sighed, laying back and closing his eyes.
Out on the track, Aqua was still crying, Yuki was still somehow running in a long skirt, and Haruhi was attempting to set a new land speed record. All three girls had kept up an impossible pace nearly the entire time, and Aqua had cried out about her own body weight in tears.
"Haruhi! There's only 20 left, you can stop now!" Kyon shouted.
"What!? Already?" Haruhi came to a dead stop from a full sprint, which meant that of course, Aqua didn't. She barreled right into Haruhi with enough force to send both girls flying through the air, then skidding along the ground for a full ten meters in a tangle of arms and legs.
"OHMYYOU!" Aqua gasped, jumping up and frantically trying to pull Haruhi to your feet. "Chief! I, I didn't mean to! I'm so sorry, please, forgive me, don't banish me!"
"Get off of me!" Haruhi grumbled, shoving Aqua roughly off, which caused the other girl to collapse into a Kowtow as she cried a near literal river of tears. "And stop crying! Hmph. You pass on to the next trial."
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!" Aqua blubbered, jumping up and attaching herself to Haruhi's leg. "I won't fail you, Chief, you'll see, I'll earn your favor!"
"I said get off!" Harhuhi snapped, and tried to pry Aqua off of her leg. Aqua, however, seemed to have turned into a limpet, and hung on gamely as Haruhi hopped one legged across the field.
"One sec," Kazuma said, standing and marching over as Haruhi tugged at Aqua. "KNOCK IT OFF! You think this is how you impress her?!"
"I'm sorry!" Aqua sniveled as she allowed Kazuma to peel her off of Haruhi, who glared down at the other girl. "I...I won't fail you, Chief! I kept up with you, see?!"
"Did you used to be on the track team at your old school? No one has ever kept up with me in sports before," Haruhi grumbled, but she looked rather mollified at Aqua's over the top theatrics and apology.
"Huh?" The tears suddenly ceased. "No, we just did like a cavalry battle and stuff for field day. Sports are boring, and you have to be outside in the sun all day which is super gross and icky."
"Yeah, that's why I gave up on my baseball career," Haruhi agreed with a nod. She turned to the exhausted and gasping freshmen, a manic grin on her face.
"Nagato kept up with you too," Kyon muttered, but was ignored. No one at all commented on the fact that somehow, Mikuru had easily maintained her pace after the one pratfull. Koizumi was the only one who noticed, and he (correctly) surmised that she must have had some sort of physical conditioning for her mission to monitor Haruhi.
For her part, Mikuru was hiding in the back, covering her chest and whimpering both at the embarrassment and the very real pain from running without proper support for so long.
"Right! You all pass the first of the physical exams!" Haruhi declared. "Next is the arm wrestling competition! We were going to use weights, but I've decided that's boring and instead it will be single elimination arm wrestling! Your opponents will be picked by me!"
At which point Haruhi went around and paired off the 20 remaining challengers, somehow managing to pit herself, Yuki, and Mikuru against freshmen, and Kazuma and Aqua against two of their classmates.
"You will go easy on a girl, right?" Yobun asked, fluttering her eyelashes at Kazuma as they clasped hands. He immediately slammed her arm down so hard she let out a squeal of pain.
"I believe in gender equality," Kazuma declared, standing and brushing off his PE uniform. "If I have to beat you at arm wrestling or drop kick a few other chicks, I don't have a problem with it."
Aqua was paired up against a hulking brute of a boy named Kyoaku Han who was over two meters tall and had rippling muscles. He was really more interested in the wrestling team, but the idea of being in a club full of the hottest girls at the school appealed to him.
"Sorry, I promise I'll go easy on you. I'll make it up to you with a date later if you like," Han offered to Aqua as he held up his hand.
In response, she wrinkled her nose. "Your breath stinks, and so do you. I'd never date someone so gross and smelly."
"Or maybe I won't take it so easy," her opponent muttered. Aqua clasped his hand, and Han immediately pushed, just a little, to try to force her down.
"Oh, did we start?" Aqua asked, blinking in surprise.
"Yes," Han grunted, forcing harder and harder, until he was going at it with all his might.
"Oh, OK." Aqua slammed her hand down so hard that there was an audible snap of bone. Her opponent stared at his shattered arm, then let out a high pitched squeal of pain.
"AHHHH! I'm sorry! I thought your stats would be higher, you look like you're at least level 10!" Aqua babbled, taking up the arm. "Shhh! Don't make a fuss, it's OK!"
"But it hurts!" Han sniffed.
"It's fine, it's fine, don't get me in trouble! Heal!"
There was a barely visible blue glow, and the pain suddenly vanished from Han's arm. He blinked.
"What was-"
"Oh goodness, were you injured?" Koizumi said, his arm falling on the freshman's shoulder as he smiled. "Please, come with me. Nagato, if you would?"
Yuki, who had defeated her opponent with equally devastating force applied much more slowly and thus avoided injuring the girl she faced, stood and followed Koizumi a few feet away from the tables where the contest was taking place. The dazed freshman mumbled a few things, then Yuki muttered something under her breath, and his eyes crossed.
"I think you should just go home and rest, don't you?" Koizumi said, still smiling as he patted the boys back.
"Go...home. Rest…" Han muttered, and stumbled off.
Koizumi nodded at Nagato, who blinked once in response. The two of them went over to Aqua, who had immediately forgotten anything was wrong and was harassing Kazuma.
"-get us some cold drinks, it's too hot out here!" Aqua pleaded.
"Back off! I'm not buying you a soda or whatever!" Kazuma argued.
"Oh, please, you've both worked so hard," Koizumi said, producing a wad of bills. "Here. Take some money. I hear you're very lucky and almost always get two drinks! Why don't you get some for everyone?"
"Well, if you're buying. I'm not carrying all this though," Kazma grumbled.
"Nagato will help," Koizumi said, a dangerous gleam entering his eyes.
"Oh, fine. But you hurt Aqua and I kick your ass," Kazuma warned, then walked off, Nagato trailing silently behind.
"Thanks for the drinks! Do they have beer? I want a beer or some bubbly," Aqua said, a vapid smile on her face. Right up until Koizumi rested a hand on her shoulders, drawing the former goddess close.
"You really need to be more cautious," Koizumi said in a jovial tone, the smile never leaving his face as Aqua went pale and began to shudder. "Now, now, relax. We're having a friendly conversation! But you both injured that boy with a display of superhuman strength, and you repaired his arm with unusual abilities."
"Huh? No, it's just a simple spell. Every priest and arch priest knows it," Aqua said, looking confused.
"I think you'll find in this world, you're the only one who knows such spells," Koizumi persisted.
"No. Kazuma knows some low level healing too, he used one on Mikuru. Oh! He said I should help her. I bet she's really sore. Even I wore a bra for this."
"I...what?" Koizumi said, his somewhat sinister line of thought ramming headfirst into the boulder known as Aqua's Stupidity.
"Hey, Mikuru, come here, I can make your boobs feel better!" Aqua called, which got everyone's attention. The girl in question blushed and started to shy away, until Aqua grabbed her.
"Come on, we need to get you a sports bra, girl! I know they're not really fun to wear but even I get sore if I try to run that much without one," Aqua rambled as she steered Mikuru towards the lockers.
"What!? Are you trying to ruin my cosplay!?" Haruhi gasped, spinning around with a look of shock and anger on her face.
"No, but I can tell YOU'RE wearing a bra too. Just because you won't get lower back pain doesn't mean you should make the mortals suffer," Aqua huffed, and led a very embarrassed, very confused, and somewhat hopeful Mikuru away.
"What!? You can't just-"
"Yo, want a sports drink? I got like, three flavors," Kazuma said, popping up beside Haruhi and offering her a bottle.
"I...Yes." Haruhi grabbed the bottle and chugged, glaring after Aqua and Mikuru as they entered into the changing rooms.
"What is even happening?" Koizumi whispered under his breath as he rubbed at his throbbing temples. "This is going to cause a disaster if we don't adjust Her mood soon!"
Little did he know: It was all downhill from there.