Chapter 6: Recruitment Drive
Aqua passed Mikuru back her shirt, and the shy girl held it up for a moment, her jaw open slightly. The previously sweaty and stained cheerleader top was now as clean as if it were freshly laundered. Scratch that, it was cleaner than if it had just come off the clothesline, and smelled faintly of a sparkling mountain spring. Hastily, Mikuru put the shirt back on, feeling slightly awkward as she did so. She wasn't used to the strange undergarment, but it would be far more comfortable than what she'd had to endure before.
"Um, thanks for the sarashi. Where, um, where did you get one?"
"Huh? What do you mean?" Aqua blinked, seemling confused by the simple question.
"Well, I mean, it seemed like you just pulled the cloth out of thin air…" Mikuru trailed off, feeling awkward, but Aqua nodded.
"Well, yeah," Aqua said as if it were obvious. "It's not like making a little simple cloth is all that hard."
"You mean...you…"
"Don't sweat it! And you can thank me for the healing later. Sheesh, the Chief Goddess is just as hard on you mortals as she is on us goddesses. It's really not fair: it's not like you can keep up with a divine being or anything. Now come on! I'm going to pass this stupid test and get back to the Divine Realm!"
"W-wait! W-who's the Chief Goddess?" Mikuru asked, looking around nervously.
"Huh? That super bossy girl who Yuki and I were running with. She looks a bit younger than she usually does, but I'd recognize her anywhere! No one else is that mean." Aqua declared.
"O-oh. So, um, you think Haruhi is really a god?" Mikuru asked nervously, wringing her hands. She had no orders about this! The only message she'd gotten from her superiors lately had been as short as it was maddening: Have fun!
Have fun?! Have fun!? How could Mikuru have fun when all points on the Time Plane were at serious risk of disruption! So what if she was only an intern special agent?! She now had over a year of field experience, and had been wrapped up in more time paradoxes and time crimes than Max Walker! How could she have fun in a situation like this!?
And yet...and yet Mikuru was having a hard time not having fun. Yes, having to dress up and parade around in front of these downtimers was humiliating and embarrassing, but it was also so exciting! She'd been raised from a young age as a Time Agent, and now she was putting that training into practice, and she was doing a good job. Mostly.
Even better, she had friends! Not just in the SOS Brigade, but Tsuruya too. She was used to having to compete for everything, and often having embarrassing failures she was punished for. But as a member of the SOS Brigade? The worst thing that ever happened was having to wear costumes, which she definitely didn't enjoy because if she did she wouldn't be doing her job, and that she couldn't actually have any romantic relationships.
Mikuru sighed. Being an intern special time agent was hard. She really hated it when her bosses kept her in the dark, but lately they were downright infuriating.
Maybe she should just give up and enjoy herself. She never really understood how a time paradox worked anyway. If she came from the future, wasn't everything going to be alright anyway? Thinking about it too hard made Mikuru's head hurt.
Realizing Aqua had been talking, Mirkuru winced. "Oh, s-sorry, what did you say?"
"I said, if you want to have protection from the Chief Goddess, all you need to do is sign up for the Axis Cult! We look out for members, and we love and respect everyone, be they scheming bastards, emotionless girls, or a time traveler with bossy superiors!"
"O-oh really?" Mikuru stammered as Aqua produced a piece of parchment of all things and shoved it into her hands. D
"Yep! Sign it, and I'll make sure that as one of MY followers, you get treated with the respect you deserve! After all, everyone is beloved in the sight of Aqua!"
"Um, well, I mean, I-I don't know, um, religion isn't really my strong point, and I've never heard of the Axis Cult…"
"Oh, don't worry about it! We're pretty easy going! I always say, have fun today, and let tomorrow worry about itself! Because who knows what's going to happen anyway?!" Aqua declared.
"Um, yeah." Hastily, Mikuru took the quill and scrawled her name on it, hoping that would get this weird girl to leave her alone. However, no sooner than she finished the last character, then the parchment glowed blue, then dissolved to mist in her hands. "AH! What was that?!"
"Oh, don't worry about it, new best buddy!" Aqua laughed. "You're my first cult member in Japan! That makes you my high priestess! Trust me, there's loads of benefits for being in the Axis Cult! The first of which is this: No lower back pain!"
Mikuru binked, and realized she actually did feel less sore.
"We appreciate all sizes of breasts in the Axis Cult, be you small, medium, or large! For I, Aqua, love all sorts of breasts! Even if you pad, but don't tell Eris I said that. You should be proud of your body! You were given a cute one, so don't be afraid to flaunt it!"
"I, um, but well, I-"
"Don't sweat it! You don't have to cosplay if you don't want to, but if you enjoy it, no shame!" Aqua declared. "Now let's get out there and win so I can go back to the Divine Realm!" Then Aqua burst into tears. "I-It will be great, I'll be back home, alone, w-without my friends and-"
Aqua sat down on the bench in the locker room and bawled her eyes out, and hesitantly, Mikuru sat down with her.
"Um, I understand. You have to go back to your own time, or world? I don't really know... but anyway, you...you and that Kazuma guy, you're friends. And...and when you leave…" Mikuru started to cry as well, unable to hold back her tears with Aqua's own emotional display. "...they'll stay behind, and you have to leave them! I don't want to leave Kyon, and Yuki, and Koizumi, and even Haruhi! But I will, and I'll have to go back to the future and never see them again!"
"It's so sad!" Aqua wailed, throwing her arms about Mikuru as the two girls had a good solid cry. "Why do mortals always have to leave me!? Just when you think you're getting to know them and really liking them, they die! K-Kazuma can't die, he's my best bud!"
"B-by the time I get back, everyone will be gone, I'll leave them here while they're in highschool and I'll have to leave!" Mikuru blubbered.
"Is that what you're so worried about? Sheesh, just fail this year, and you can stay in the SOS Brigade as you redo your senior year!"
Hiccuping, Mikuru looked up in panic to find an irritated bunny girl tapping her foot and frowning down at her. "Sheesh Mikuru, it's a whole year away!" Haruhi exclaimed. "Now quit crying, I'm not going to replace you with some freshman, even a cutie like Aqua!"
"W-whu-what?" Aqua sniffed. Then realized who she was talking to and bolted up. "AHHH! Chief, um we were just-"
"Bonding with our mascot already, eh? Well, you've still got to prove yourself, Aqua! Come on, I'm getting bored! We're going to start the gaming session next!" Haruhi grabbed Mikuru and Aqua and hustled them both towards the exit, then paused. "Hey, Aqua, how do you feel about cosplay?"
"All love is good, be you cosplayer, otaku, or hikiNEET!" Aqua declared sanctimoniously.
"Hmm. Well then. I'll have to get your measurements later…" Haruhi sniggered, then continued towards the exit, still hauling her two favorite victims along.
"What?! You know my measurements are perfect, chief! I'm 160 centimeters and I'm 90-60-90!" Aqua squawked, clearly indignant.
Haruhi paused, looking Aqua up and down incredulously. "Seriously? You actually have perfect measurements?"
"You should know. Check if you don't believe me," Aqua huffed.
To Mikuru's horror, Haruhi did exactly that, even sticking her hand down Aqua's shirt and skirt. The self proclaimed goddess didn't even seem to mind, even when Haruhi was clearly blushing and flustered. Instead, Aqua thrust her chest out proudly.
"Ask Kazuma, he will affirm that I am indeed an absolutely perfect goddess!" Aqua laughed as Haruhi grudgingly finished.
"Asking your boyfriend if he thinks you're perfect hardly proves anything," Haruhi muttered. "Come on, you-" Haruhi suddenly ducked as Aqua out a shriek and let fly with a wild haymaker.
"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! YOU KNOW THE RULES! YOU MADE THEM! NO BOINKING, AND NO MORTAL ENTANGLEMENTS!" Aqua wailed, throwing punch after reckless punch, her eyes squeezed shut in outrage and embarrassment.
"I don't care if you two are screwing like rabbits!" Haruhi snapped, suddenly catching one of Aqua's punches and putting her in a sleeper hold. "The SOS Brigade could use a little romance in it! Actually, there has been a shocking lack of intriguing highschool relationship drama in our club! Your whole slap-slap-kiss routine is just what we need!"
With that, Haruhi unceremoniously dropped Aqua, then called, "Hurry up! I'm starting without you if you're not out in exactly 128 seconds!"
Hesitantly, Mikuru went over to Aqua, who was laying rigidly on the ground, her eyes dazed and her expression that of pain and horror. "Um...are you...OK?"
"Not...not dating the pedo-NEET," Aqua muttered, hugging herself and curling up into a ball. "I'm not...I'm not a pervert."
"I, um, I don't think you're a pervert?" Mikuru said, though it came out like a question more than anything else. "We, um, we should go. Haruhi seemed really anxious to get started."
"Right, got to get back into heaven," Aqua agreed, rubbing her arms as she slowly stood. "This is so gross." She suddenly reached out, grabbing Mikuru, her eyes wide with horror. "You don't...you don't think I'm a mortal-lover, do you?"
"N-no?" Mikuru guessed.
"Oh good. Now come on. I'm going to kill Kazuma then bring him back to life."
"W-what?! No, don't do that, y-you're not supposed to do magic, i-it could cause a time paradox!" Mikuru wailed as Aqua stalked out.
"Oh relax, the Time Division will take care of it if something happens. Casualty is all stupid anyway, I don't understand any of it."
"D-do you mean Causality? L-linear time d-doesn't really exist," Mikuru stammered as they hurried towards the SOS Brigade club rub.
"Duh, time's like, I dunno. It's like...spaghetti? You know, a big mess with sauce and other bits in it but it tastes good with garlic bread!" Aqua said brighty.
"Um...Maybe? I-I heard it was like a ball of yarn, but that makes me think of kittens, and um, I don't really think kittens have much to do with how time flows…"
"Yeah, all that stuff gives me a headache. I leave all that time stuff up to Eris, she understands it better than I do," Aqua said, which only further mystified poor Mikuru.
Before the waters could be further muddied, Aqua skipped into the SOS Brigade room, which was somewhat crowded at the moment with the seven freshmen and five more senior brigade members.
"WELCOME, CANDIDATES, TO YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE!" Haruhi yelled as soon as Mikuru and Aqua shuffled in, causing Mikuru to wince and Aqua to look annoyed. "TO PASS THIS NEXT CHALLENGE, YOU MUST-"
"Will you tone it down a notch?" Kazuma interrupted, glaring at Haruhi. "We're all right here, lady! You don't need to yell at us!"
"I'm the Chief of the SOS Brigade, and I'll yell if I want to!" Haruhi retorted, though she did drop her volume slightly. "Right! Kyon, show them what the next challenge is!"
With a heavy sigh, Kyon pulled out several large plastic bins and began to lay out what appeared to be fully a dozen different board games that had been stuck together with paper and glue, and had been altered so that they all fit together. There were also game pieces from a variety of games, not all of them the same as the ones that had been laid out. There were cards from both traditional decks, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic the Gathering, and various more obscure games. Dice in every shape and size were poured out onto the table, and there were custom cards and pieces that had been made from various craft supplies.
"I present to you, Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker!"
"What?!" Aqua squawked. "You can't make them play that! They'll go mad! Only the gods are allowed to play this game!"
"THEN YOU MUST CONQUER THE GODS THEMSELVES!" Haruhi laughed. "For in this game, you shall face me, the Chief of the SOS Brigade, as your Chief-Gym-Master-Archenemy Referee-Supreme!"
"Are you sure?" Aqua asked suspiciously as Koizumi developed a sudden coughing fit. "I mean, that seems sort of unfair."
"Life isn't fair! For only the luckiest, most talented, and interesting people are allowed to join the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi proclaimed. "Now, you must enter the dungeon! Prepare to manage your properties well, evolve your pokemon, and command your armies to harvest the sugar plums!"
"Aren't you going to explain the rules to us?" one of the other recruits asked, frowning at the makeshift game board.
"That's far too boring! You must learn as you go! Now, everyone get your favorite dice and lets roll up your characters! Your stats will determine how much money and cards you are given to start the game!" Haruhi ordered.
"Kazuma is rolling the dice for me!" Aqua immediately declared, shoving a poor girl out of her seat and onto the floor so that she could sit by him.
"Trying to mooch off my luck?" Kazuma asked as he picked up a handful of dice.
"I'll make you dinner! Your favorite! Fresh sushi rolls with french fries and mayo!"
"That's your favorite dinner," Kazuma snorted, but he rolled Aqua's dice for her anyway.
"Oh wow, you got max stats both times!" Haruhi said eagerly as she tallied the dice rolls. "That means you get to start with four boosters of cards, 2500 in cash, 50 infantry units, and a get out of jail free card!"
"Sweet," Kazuma said, accepting the game pieces and splitting them between himself and Aqua.
The next few hours consisted of gameplay so obtuse, so obscure, and so overwhelming that it was enough to drive mortal minds to madness. Two freshmen had nervous breakdowns, and had to be escorted to the nurse's station. Another ran screaming from the room, clawing at his eyes, and was not seen again at North High. One poor girl had to be taken away by Yuki and Aqua when she successfully summoned Gengar by making a monopoly of basic lands and was possessed by the sinister pokemon. After a quick exorcism, the girl was sent home with a memory wipe, and was mostly sane, save for the occasions where she would break down crying whenever she saw a picture of pokemon.
The other three had a modicum of common sense, and called it quits when the rules proved too confusing for mortal minds to handle.
As for Kazuma and Aqua, their experience was somewhat different.
"Ha! I've got you now, fools!" Haruhi declared. "You've activated my trap card. I reveal three matched sets of cards, which allows me to trade them in immediately for extra armored divisions! I sell the armored divisions to the bank, and use my cash to purchase ten fire energy, which I attach to my Shivan Dragon! Which, with my Uno Reverse Card, I combine with my Tyranid Carnifex to form BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON! GO, BLUE EYES, DESTROY THEIR HOTELS AND REDUCE THEIR HIT POINTS TO NEGATIVE TEN!"
"Ah, but it is YOU who have activated MY trap card!" Kazuma declared, showing his hand of cards. "For you see, I have...A ROYAL FLUSH!"
"What!? That's impossible! Or at least, extremely unlikely!" Haruhi protested.
Cackling, Kazuma slammed his cards onto the table. "No, it is true! My Royal Flush enters the battlefield, and triggers the GOLDEN WEEK BONUS ROUND! I get to roll two D20, and...DOUBLE CRITICAL! Quick, Aqua, sacrifice your hotels for extra tickets!"
"Um...OK?" Aqua agreed, and hesitantly removed her hotels from the board and took three tickets from the appropriate deck.
"Now, since those have gone to the graveyard, that triggers Disciple of the Vault! Which, thanks to my bonus round, I copy the effect SEVEN TIMES!" Kazuma proclaimed, grinning triumphantly as Haruhi groaned loudly.
"Kyon, do you, er, understand...any of this?" Mikuru whispered.
"Good grief, are you kidding? I lost track of what was happening hours ago. I'm just glad no one else has gotten possessed," Kyon replied.
"Now, reveal your tickets Aqua!" Kazuma ordered, and the blue haired bimbo slowly flipped over her cards, looking as lost as Mikurku felt.
"Ha! With those tickets, Aqua immediately takes lethal damage, and is banished to the Shadow Realm!" Haruhi declared.
"JUST AS PLANNED!" Kazuma roared, and slammed down a fresh set of cards. "BEHOLD! I still have my get out of jail free card!"
Haruhi gasped, recoiling at the sight. "No! But that means-"
"Seriously, she has to just be making this up, right Nagato?" Kyon muttered.
"No. The game's rules are entirely logical. Haruhi Suzumiya has been scrupulously following them," Yuki answered.
"Are...are you sure?" Mikuru asked. "I...I trust you Miss Nagato, it's just...this doesn't make any sense to me."
"I'll take your word for it," Kyon sighed. "Don't try to explain it, my head would probably explode or something."
Nagato nodded. "Yes. Do not worry. I am running a special code to keep extra data from corrupting your mind and causing damage."
"The question is," Koizumi mused. "What's protecting Kazuma?"
"His data connection to Aqua Mizu funnels excess information to her, and prevents runtime errors in his biology," Nagato stated.
Just then, Kazuma stood up, pumping his fist. "YAHTZEE! THAT'S IT, YOU USELESS CHIEF! I, KAZUMA SATO, AM THE KING OF GAMES!"
"Hey! I helped too!" Aqua cried, standing up on her tiptoes to try to get more height than Kazuma.
"You did. You were a pretty decent healer. Those hotels came in clutch," Kazuma said, grinning and giving Aqua a thumbs up.
"Yes! I am an amazing healer!" Aqua laughed, returning Kazuma's gesture. "That's it, Chief, we win! You have to give us our prizes now!"
"Hmph. This was but the first test!" Haruhi declared. She pulled out a piece of folded paper, and passed it to Kazuma. "Here is the treasure map. Follow the directions, and if you reach it, perhaps you will have a chance to prove yourself worthy!"
"What, TREASURE?! I want the treasure!" Aqua cried, trying to snatch the paper from Kazuma's hand.
"Oh, relax, we'll find it together!" Kazuma snapped, holding the paper just out of Aqua's reach.
"Gimmie, I want it!" Aqua ordered. She managed to grab the map, and held it over her head, singing, "Treasure, treasure! La la la! Treasure, treasure! La la la!"
"Just don't trigger any flags you idiot," Kazuma grumbled. "Let's just go. Sooner we get out of this joint the better." With that, the only remaining potential recruits for the SOS Brigade departed the room.
Despite having lost the game, Haruhi seemed delighted at the results. She hummed to herself for half a minute, shuffling through the various game pieces and card collections as Mikuru and the others tried to help clean up.
"That was a great success!" Haruhi suddenly declared, striking a pose and puffing out her chest. "We have weeded out all but these last two remaining! I think they might actually be interesting! A foreigner, and a delinquent! That's just what the Brigade needed, more people with interesting backgrounds. I just know we'll encounter another mysterious individual after this, one from another world perhaps! Great work team!"
Without further ceremony, Haruhi started to strip out of her bunny girl outfit, which meant that Kyon and Kazumi were forced to evacuate. Mikuru took the opportunity to get out of her cheerleader outfit and back into her school uniform, and after watching the two of them, Yuki began to change as well.
After that Haruhi departed, which meant Mikuru and the others had to clean up the mess without their leader. Mikuru didn't mind too much, she sort of liked cleaning up and doing domestic work. It was relaxing to her.
With that done, it was time to go home. Well, as home as Mikuru ever got to go. Actually, her little apartment really did feel like home these days! It was bigger than any of her personal living quarters had been in her original timeplane, and she could decorate it too! Inside of her abode, Mikuru had a variety of house plants, as well as a pet cat that she had named Wells.
"Hello, Wells, had any adventures today?" Mikkuru asked as her pet rubbed himself against his mistress's legs as she entered his home.
The cat simply purred, then hurried over to sit by his bowl as Mikuru began her evening ritual, the first priority of which was feeding the master of the house. The tabby cat accepted the offering as his due, but waited patiently for Mikuru to cook her own dinner before he ate himself. It wouldn't do for the help to go hungry, after all.
For her part, Mikuru cooked herself a simple but tasty meal of rice, vegetables, and a little tofu. Her kitchen was spotlessly clean, and had several decorative pet cats or fat little buddhas. With her meal complete, Mikuru sat down at her table and clapped her hands together.
"Thank you for the food!" she said brightly as Wells began to eat.
You're welcome! Enjoy!
Mikuru blinked, and looked around her apartment in confusion, but the only other being there was Wells, who was munching away on his dinner. "Eh? I thought I heard a voice?"
Yup! That's me! Say, what's for dinner? I'm making sushi and french fries!
"A-Aqua? Do you...do you have access to my TPDD?" Mikuru asked, peering under the table.
Huh? What's that? Anyway, gotta go! We'll talk later! Man, it's nice to have such a faithful follower. Good job!
Unsure of what was happening, Mikuru quickly ate her meal, then cleared away the table and activated her privacy field. It was time for her daily report.
"S-special Time Agent Intern Mikuru Asahina, Code Name Meido, um, reporting. The date is...ah, 9.4.2005, Time Plane HS Primary."
Confirmed. This is Command. Go ahead, Meido.
"W-well, I um, I monitored the situation today, and um, Haruhi seems stable...we did the trials, and Aqua Mizu and Kazuma Sato passed. They, um, they are a little weird, but they seem nice…"
Personal opinions are not required, Meido. Stick to the report.
"R-right, s-sorry, command! Um, well, Aqua gave me a sarashi. I-I think she made it out of thin air…"
You have an artifact from Aqua?
"Yes! It's um, kinda comfortable, and I don't bounce around as much. I-I think I'd like to keep it, none of the bras I have are really supportive enough. I-If you'd just let me-"
Negative. Sexual appeal is mandatory for Meido. Submit the artifact in question for examination. What else do you have to report?
"W-well, A-Aqua sort of gave me this weird paper, and, um, I maybe signed it and it vanished…"
What? You don't mean- Meido, did you join the Axis Cult?
"M-maybe? I, um, I just didn't want to be rude, and it seemed really important to her and she'd give me the sarashi and if I said no I thought she'd cry again and-"
Meido. This is a grievous breach of protocol. You have violated section 4 subsection B of the Time Travelers Code. This will go on your permanent record. An investigation must be started. You are under censure.
"W-what?! Censure?! But it was just a piece of paper! Aqua's weird but she-"
Insubordination will result in termination. Are you insubordinate, Meido?
"No! I-I'm loyal to the mission! P-please, don't censure me! I'll do a good job, I promise I-"
Further protest will be regarded as insubordination. Submit your artifact. Command out.
For a few moments, Mikuru sat in her chair, stunned. Then she broke into tears, resting her head in her hands. Why couldn't anything ever go right for her?