Chapter 8: With Friends Like These...

"Yo!" Kazuma said, opening the door for Yuki. He paused as the quiet girl stepped into the room. Something was off. She seemed...sluggish. "Hey, you alright?"

Yuki considered Kazuma's question, then nodded. "Yes."

"You...need breakfast?" Kazuma asked, still frowning at the girl. She had dark circles under her eyes, which was unusual for her. What, did she stay up all night reading or something?

"Yes."

"Ok. Guess it's my turn to make it. Aqua! You conscious yet?"

"I'm awake…" Aqua's voice moaned from the bedroom.

"Good! I'm making breakfast, Yuki says she's hungry!" Kzuma shouted.

"I want pancakes!" Aqua responded, sticking her head through the doorway.

"Tough. It's rice, or nothing. You want pancakes, you can get up early and make them yourself!"

"What about pancakes for dinner?" Aqua pouted.

Kazuma considered this. "You wanna make 'em for dinner, fine."

"Yes! You like pancakes, right Yuki?" Aqua asked.

"Unknown."

"Oh sure, just invite extra people over, not like we're sitting on a giant pile of money," Kazuma grumbled. He glanced at Yuki, who had sat quietly at the table, looking, well, worn out. "We keep you up too late playing Smash or something?"

"No."

"Ok. You need Aqua to heal you or something? She's pretty good at it."

"No."

"Hmph. Well OK."

Kazuma whipped up enough rice for breakfast and lunch, and made some eggs to go with it, along with a bit of gravy and some sausage. He'd picked up some distinctly un-japanese eating habits in Belzerg, but that was fine. He was going back there soon enough: one way or another.

Yuki seemed better by the time they left for school, departing for her own class with a nod. Kazuma put out it out of his head, as he had enough problems to worry about.

School was, well, boring. Kazuma paid the bare minimum of attention. He had been doing the homework more to avoid punishment than anything else, and making Aqua do it as well. It wasn't exactly all that hard, at least if you just wanted to scrape by like he did.

"Kazuma," Aqua whispered, tugging on his sleeve. "What does this mean?"

He glanced back at the quiz on Aqua's desk. It was a math worksheet, and hers was blank. If their homework was any indication, she had no clue how to do anything harder than simple arithmetic. Right then, she was pointing to "π".

"That's pi."

"I know that, but why do we care how many pies are in a circle?" Aqua hissed.

"It just means 3.14. Weren't you paying attention? Now stop talking, this is a quiz!"

"Ugh." Aqua went back to her own quiz, but Kazuma already knew the result. She'd get a 0, or close to it. She spent most of the test time quietly crying to herself, but he really couldn't help her. He was struggling to remember most of this crap anyway. Why even bother? He was going home, he knew it.

Privately, Kazuma was already fairly certain this whole "Haruhi sends us back" thing was a bust. Which meant that it was time for Kazuma to get...creative.

They were just sitting down for lunch when a nervous looking Mikuru poked her head in the room. "Um, um, Aqua? C-can we talk?"

"Sure!" Aqua agreed, pulling out her bento box.

"M-maybe, um...somewhere private?"

"Ok! We can go up to the roof to eat lunch."

"B-but we're not supposed to go up on the roof…"

"That's OK, Kazuma can pick the lock," Aqua reassured Mikuru, which only made the other girl more flustered, and their classmates ever more intrigued. Aqua didn't notice their teacher's intake of breath and sparkling eyes, but he did. Whatever. Those morons wanted to think they were Yakuza, fine by him. Maybe he should get a tattoo. No, wait, those hurt. Never mind.

Up on the roof, Mikuru grabbed Aqua, her big eyes filling up with tears. "W-what did you do to m-me? I-I'm being CENSURED!"

"Huh? What do you mean? I just make sure you wouldn't get lower back pain from having super huge boobies. I'm not going to make you stop swearing or something, I'm cool with a little dirty language. Just don't over do it, that's annoying."

"I...What? I-I don't swear! I'm not like that!" Mikuru protested.

"You are like, super committed to the whole sweet and innocent vibe, aren't you?" Kazuma asked around a mouthful of rice, leaning back against the air conditioning unit. "Bet you're totally hiding something."

"I am not! Um, well, except the fact that I'm an Intern Agent for the Temporal Police Defense Department but-AHHHH! Why can I say that!? That's supposed to be classified! I-I can't say things that are classified!"

"Oh, what, you mean that curse someone put on you? That's one of the benefits of being my follower!" Aqua declared. "No one can control an Axis Cultist! The Axis Cult is all about freedom! You get a buff against Mind Control and stuff like that!"

"Because all your cultists are crazy already," Kazuma muttered.

Mikuru slowly let go of Aqua, tilting her head to one side. "You mean...you mean someone else can't control me? E-even though I still have my TPDD in me?"

"I mean, if they're like, super strong or something, they can probably override the buff. But if you level up enough and stay my High Priestess in this world, it would be super hard for them to do!" Aqua said happily. "Come on, let's eat!"

Mikuru sat down with Kazuma and Aqua with her own lunch, sneaking glances at the door Kazuma had jimmied open and quietly eating her own food while Kazuma and Aqua bantered back and forth. When lunch was over, they stood, but Mikuru suddenly clasped Aqua's hands between hers.

"T-hank you, for, um, for trying to help. But, um...I'm under censure. That means...my superiors aren't very happy with me. Can you, um, can you make it so I'm not a part of this Axis Cult? I-I don't want to get stranded in this time plane…"

"Who cares about them?" Aqua asked, blowing a raspberry. "And if you get stranded or whatever, don't worry! I'll make sure you get back to your own time. Or you can come and hang out with me and Kazuma in Belzerg!"

"R-really? I, um, I don't know...I sort of like it here, but, um...well...it could cause a paradox, and those are bad…"

"Meh, things always sort themselves out eventually. And if they don't Kazuma and I can totally fix it. We beat the Devil King in Belzerg, you know," Aqua bragged.

"Well, um, maybe, but...I don't know...maybe I should just leave your cult…"

Aqua suddenly fell to her knees, tears forming in her eyes. "Please don't leave! You're the only follower I have right now! I-I got kicked out of the Divine Realm and the only way I can become a goddess again is if I get enough followers, or the Chief reinstates me, but she's got all these tests and I don't understand them and I just want to have someone to pray to me and give blessings to again! PLEASE DON'T GO!"

By the end of it, Aqua was wailing and had her arms wrapped around Mikuru, who looked flustered and upset. "Well, um, I...I guess...I can stay? But, um, I don't know anything about being a High Priestess…"

"It's super easy!" Aqua said, springing to her feet, tears gone. They were crocodile tears anyway, Kazuma judged. "You just have to offer prayers and incense to me, and tell everyone how amazing I am and what a great goddess I am!"

"Oh, um...OK? D-does that mean...we're friends?" Mikuru asked timidly.

"Best friends," Aqua agreed, wrapping her pinky around the poor girl's. "We can talk, and do stuff together, like go drinking!"

"B-but I'm not supposed to drink on duty, and um, I'm not supposed to be 20 yet…"

"Pfff, the Axis Cult says you can drink if you want! Age doesn't matter!" Aqua laughed, wrapping an arm around Mikuru and steering the shorter girl towards the stairs. "Now, I do have a question for you. Can you do math?"

"Um, yes?"

"Great! Cause next time we have a quiz I have some questions for you. Like, how do you find the radius of something?"

"O-oh, well, I um, I can sort of do that...math isn't my best subject, but um...don't tell anyone, but I...the TPDD has a calculator in it, and um...I just use that…"

"Great! I should get one of those! Math sucks. But I can just ask you, right?"

"Well, I-"

"We're friends! And friends help one another!"

"Well, yes, I suppose…"

"Super! Thanks Mikuru, you're the best!" Aqua declared.

Kazuma watched as Mikuru scurried back to class, then chuckled. "Seriously? You got a follower just to help you cheat on math quizzes?"

"Not just that! The Chief was being super mean to her! You're not supposed to be mean to your followers like that," Aqua huffed as they made their way back to class.

"Oh? So why are you such a bitch to me?!" Kazuma demanded.

"Duh. Because you're a hikiNEET. Plus, you're not my follower, you're my best bud! It's totally different. Also you're a jerk to me like all the time."

"Maybe I wouldn't be a jerk if you weren't," Kazuma grumbled.

"Sure! But you first," Aqua said, sticking her tongue out at Kazuma.

After school, Kazuma and Aqua departed the school, having little reason to stick around. They found Yuki walking off campus, and Aqua hurried over.

"Hey, Yuki! Want to come over and play Animal Crossing with me? It's super great! I can show you my whole village! I just got started, but it's going to be really cool!"

"No."

"Aww, do you not like Animal Crossing either? Kazuma doesn't because he has no taste," Aqua said in a stage whisper.

"No."

"Huh? Do you mean, you do like Animal Crossing?" Aqua asked, confused.

"Unknown. I have not played Animal Crossing," Yuki stated.

"Oh. Do you have club stuff with the Chief or something?"

"No."

"Leave her alone, Aqua. You're just bothering the poor girl," Kazuma said, putting a hand on Aqua to steer her away.

"Negative. Aqua Mizu is not bothering me," Yuki replied.

"Huh? But then where are you going?" Aqua asked curiously.

Yuki silently held up a bag full of books.

"Oh! You're going to, like, that book place! Um, what's it called, Kazuma?"

"The library," Kazuma sighed.

"Right! Well, have fun! Maybe you can come over after you're done! I'm making pancakes! Do you like pancakes?"

"Unknown."

"You'll like pancakes. They're like, the best," Aqua declared. "Come on Kazuma! We're gonna get stuff to make pancakes!"

"Soy?" Kazuma guessed.

"Ugh, no. You Japanese and your soy. We're making FLUFFY pancakes, with wheat!"

"I thought you spent all your time in Japan," Kazuma asked as they parted ways with Yuki.

"No, I spent my time in the Divine Realm. I just had to collect souls from Japan."

"Then why don't you like Japanese food more?"

"Too healthy!"

"You know what, I buy it."

Later that evening, after Kazuma had harassed Aqua into finishing her homework (mostly because she was way better at understanding literature than he was) they were just making dinner, when a knock came at the door. Kazuma went over to open it, and found Yuki standing there, trembling slightly.

"Woah, hey, what's wrong?" Kazuma asked, putting out a hand to steady the smaller girl.

Yuki didn't speak, simply stepping inside before walking over to the computer and sitting down. She stared at the screen for a minute, until Kazuma booted it up, at which point Yuki started a game of Starcraft. Kazuma could respect the need to do some gaming after a long day.

Dinner was a bit over the top, and Kazuma did a quick mental inventory. Aqua appeared to have come up with whipped cream and powdered sugar on her own. What was up with that? She didn't used to be able to create stuff out of nothing, did she? He supposed there was the water. And the things she would make with the party tricks. And that Create Rations spell. Ok, so maybe she could, she just hadn't bothered before. She just really liked pancakes.

"What do you think?" Aqua asked, putting a big plate of fluffy pastries covered in whipped cream and powdered sugar before both Kazuma and Yuki. Yuki regarded the plate, and Kazuma carved out a bite. Aqua grinned at him, and despite himself, he smiled back.

"It's good. Guess you were always a pretty decent cook. Try some, Yuki."

Yuki regarded her plate for another moment, then looked at Aqua. "Do friends eat together?"

"Yes!" Aqua agreed, plopping down her own enormous plate of pancakes. "It's fun to eat together! Kazuma and I always eat together, because we're best buds! Even though he's not as much of an artist as I am in the kitchen."

"I'll have you know I took the cooking skill, so I'm a badass chef!" Kazuma lectured, but he went in for more pancakes. They really were good.

With a slow, deliberate motion, Yuki took a bite of pancake, getting a bit of whipped cream on her nose as she did so. She looked to Aqua, whose face was now coated in sugar and cream, and was grinning around a mouthful of pancakes.

"Good," Yuki said with a nod, and took another careful bite.

"Yes! I knew you would like it! I should invite Mikuru over for dinner, too! She's my high priestess, you know."

"We're leaving, remember?" Kazuma said, pointing his chopsticks at Aqua. "Don't go getting all attached! I'm going back to Belzerg, and you're going to heaven!"

Aqua's expression fell, and she glanced down at her half demolished pancake stack. "Oh. Right." She pushed some food around her plate, looking despondent.

"But I guess we could invite Mikkuru over for dinner tomorrow or something before we leave," Kazuma sighed.

"Oh yes! I'll ask Mikuru what she likes to eat!" And then Aqua stared blankly off into space, her eyes unfocused.

Yuki paused in her eating, regarding Aqua. "You have established a data connection with Mikuru Asahina."

"Yep! She's my follower now! Would you like to be my follower, Yuki?" Aqua asked, her eyes refocusing on the supposed alien.

"I am a humanoid interface of the Data Overmind."

"Well, that's not any god I've ever heard of."

"They are the data entity in charge of this Galactic Quadrant."

"Huh?" Aqua blinked, clearly lost. "So...like an Elder God?"

"Unknown. They are my creator, and from them I draw my data manipulation abilities."

"Well, I can grant my followers all sorts of amazing powers! And Kazuma knows lots of skills he can teach people too!"

"Aqua, I can't just, ya know, teach people that stuff. That's not how things work here," Kazuma said as he polished off his pancakes. They really had been good.

"Oh, right. Um, well, I can still give my followers spells! There's just not a lot of mana here to use."

Yuki blinked once, her lips twitching in an almost frown. "Define mana."

"Well, I dunno. It's, like, the energy for magic and stuff. Um, I guess you call it data?"

Yuki considered this for a moment, looking at her pancakes. After a moment, she looked up. "Data composes all things. Matter, and energy. Does mana compose matter and energy?"

"Nah, it's like, a resource you use. Like in Starcraft where you have to save up energy for special abilities," Kazuma said.

"I see."

When they were done eating, Yuki went to do the dishes, but Aqua smacked Kazuma upside the back of his head. "She's our guest! You do the dishes!"

"Why? You made the mess!"

"Yeah, and that means you got to eat my hard work! So now you do dishes and I'm going to show Yuki the best game ever!"

"Animal Crossing is not the best game ever," Kazuma complained, but he shooed Yuki out of the kitchen, and Aqua happily showed the poor girl her village and explained how everyone thought she was "awesome" and were her "friends."

Despite himself, Kazuma found himself smiling as the two girls played. He shook his head, frowning. This wasn't where he belonged. He belonged back in Belzerg, with Megumin, and Darkness, and everyone else. Life here was lame. Though, he had to admit, it wasn't as lame as it had been in his original timeline. Aliens, espers, time travelers, and a reality warping hot chick? Heck, if his old high school had been this interesting, he'd have gone out more often.

The next couple days passed much the same, with a nervous Mikuru joining them for dinner on Wednesday. Despite the time traveler's initial anxiety, she seemed to enjoy eating the pot stickers Kazuma had whipped up. He'd bought the ingredients with the money he'd won off some schmucks who had thought they could best Kazuma Sato at blackjack. Sure, they'd been cheating, but that hadn't helped them in the slightest. Not when Kazuma could cheat better AND was luckier.

"Um, these are, these are really good!" Mikuru said, blushing and making Kazuma grin. She was a cutie pie, and if Kazuma had intended on staying around she'd be at the top of his waifu list. Completely cute and no backbone! Ripe for exploitation. Too bad she was a wackjob Axis Cultist now.

"So do you guys hang out often?" Aqua asked, licking her fingers with a shocking disregard for manners. If you didn't know her, anyway. "Like, you and Yuki."

"No," Yuki stated.

"We um, well, sometimes I, er, 'hang out' with Tsuruya, but, uh, Yuki and I...we just see each other at the SOS Brigade. Not that I don't like her! I, um, I think we're friends...right?"

Yuki nodded solemnly. "Yes."

Mikuru beamed at Yuki, and produced a container of mochi, which she offered to Yuki first. "Because we're friends!"

"So what's this final trial gonna be?" Kazuma demanded, causing Mikuru to let out a squeak.

"Um, um, um, I-I don't think we're supposed to tell you that," Mikuru whimpered, shrinking in on herself and trying to use her bowl of mochi as a shield. Kazuma snagged one. It was actually pretty great, but it wouldn't save Mikuru.

"We need to know though! Kazuma has to go back to Belzerg, and...and I've been away for too long. I...I miss my other followers...but I won't forget about you, Mikuru! I'll make sure to give you lots of special blessings!" Aqua pleaded.

"Well…." Mikuru glanced at Yuki, who was silently chewing her mochi. "What do you think?"

"The final trial is a combination karaoke trivia cosplay modeling competition," Yuki stated, which made Mikuru wince, but nod in agreement.

"What?! Karaoke!? That's not luck based, and neither is trivia!" Kazuma groaned. "You've got to help us!"

"I can sing Karaoke!" Aqua declared, looking excited. "I love to sing! We should have a karaoke night!"

"Do you even know what songs we have to practice?! I'm sure Haruhi has some random ass selection of impossible songs I've never heard of," Kazuma groaned. "What about the trivia?"

"Well, um, I, er, I sort of had all my trivia questions be about housework and cooking because, um, I don't really understand the culture in this time plane and I get confused about when things happened or if they haven't yet…"

"My questions are mathematical equations, such as the Millenium Prize problems," Yuki stated.

"Oh, well, I could probably solve the Millenium Puzzle. Always wanted to be King of Games," Kazuma mused.

"Um, she, um, she means some famous math equations," Mikuru explained. "And, er...one was solved two years ago but the others...I am pretty sure they won't be solved for several decades at least…"

"Not math! I hate math!" Aqua wailed. "Go back to the singing, I like that part!"

"Hmm, this requires drastic measures," Kazuma muttered. He bared his teeth at their two guests. "Fortunately, we have two agents on the inside."

Mikuru wilted and seemed to try to hide under the table, while Yuki simply blinked.

"Ever heard of stacking the deck? Well. We're gonna be altering those trivia cards," Kazuma purred. "We'll just have to, ah, borrow them, then alter them."

"B-but Haruhi keeps them locked in the Club Room, and she's always there after school so how could we…" Mikuru trailed off as Aqua and Kazuma exchanged knowing grins.

"It's time for the Silver Masked thief to ride again," Kazuma chuckled.

Aqua blinked in confusion. "Wait, that was you? Nevermind. Just so you girls know Kazuma's, like, a super good thief. You know, I'm pretty sure he stole every girl in Axel's p-"

Kazuma leapt across the table, sending pot stickers and plates flying to tackle Aqua. "There's no need to go spreading that around! Besides, I never stole yours!"

"That's because I'm a GODDESS. Also I would have kicked your butt," Aqua snapped. "Now get off of me!"

Brushing himself off, Kazuma stood to find both Mikuru and Yuki covered in rice, potstickers, and various drinks. Yuki was silently wiping herself off with a napkin, while Mikuru was frozen in shock and horror.

"That's just how we normally behave," Kazuma said with a shrug. "It's a Belzerg thing."

Aqua made a rude noise. "No, it's a Scumzuma thing!"

"Oh, lay off! You made all kinds of messes too!"

With an argument brewing, Mikuru stood, bowing. "Um, I, er, I gotta go. I, um, I need to get cleaned up."

"Oh, I can teach you your first spell! Cleansing is an important Axis Spell, because I'm a water goddess!" Aqua said happily. She walked over to Mikuru and pressed an index finger to the cringing girl's forehead. "Boop!"

Mirkuru's eyes crossed for a moment, then they suddenly glowed blue.

"Auto evolution," Nagato muttered, and for just a moment, Kazuma thought she looked surprised. Then her normal indifferent mask resumed.

Slowly, Mikuru raised a trembling hand, then gasped, "Cleansing!"

A bit of the filth on her shirt vanished, and Mikuru let out a startled noise, then tried to hide behind Aqua as her entire body trembled. "W-what was that?!"

"A spell! Just don't use it too much, you're my only follower on this world, and I'm sorta cut off so I don't have that much devotion right now. But if you recruit more people into the Axis Cult, then we can do all kinds of stuff!"

"W-what kind of stuff?" Mikuru whimpered, still trembling like a cornered rabbit.

"Oh, like healing, curing poison, granting blessings, all that good stuff! I'm, like, the best at healing. And don't let Ristarte tell you otherwise! I'm totally better at it than her. Don't you want to know all those super amazing spells?!" Aqua asked, pulling Mikuru up onto her feet.

"I...maybe? They sound useful, but...but I'm not supposed to have any entanglements with downtimers…"

"Pff, I'm immortal so I'm still alive whenever your original time is. When you go back we can chat, it will be fun! Normally I get kinda sad when my followers die, because...because...I have to reincarnate them, but then...they don't remember me, and...I'm all alone… Except for Eris! She was my bestest bud, and I saved her, just like I will with-" Aqua cut herself off and went deep red, fussing with Asahina's clothes.

"Just like what?" Kazuma asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.

"Nothing! Come on, Mikuru, we can get you washed up. You too, Yuki." Aqua shepherded the girls into the bathroom only to stick her head back in and ruin everything. "AND NO STEALING THEIR PANTIES, PEDONEET!"

Kazuma threw a chopstick at her.

But then he sat down to plan his next heist.

It was time for Haruhi Suzumiya to learn why even goddesses feared Kazuma Sato.