Hope you enjoy this new part!

Lots of love and have a nice week ahead.

Oh, and Happy Easter for anyone celebrating it now. Or who celebrated it last week, I forgot to mention it then :)

See you next week!

CHAPTER 10 - Everything fades someday, even love

Rose's POV

I go and post myself in front of Neil, arms crossed.

"You. Get up."

"Huh? Me?"

"You heard me. Get the fuck up!"

He gets up, a stupid smile on his face.

"Wha-"

I punch him before anyone gets to react. The only one who knew that was coming was Dimitri, but he decided not to stop me. I appreciate that.

I'm glad that he's the only guardian around too, as the guys sent their guards out. Otherwise, this story would have ended with me pinned on the ground or something.

Neil gets a hold of my hand and squeezes my wrist, digging his nails into my flesh.

"You little bitch! Do you know who I am?"

Ivan wants to intervene, but I stop him when he's at my side, trying to get between us.

"I can deal with him myself." I shake my hand out of Neil's grip and punch him once more, and this time I hear a little crack. "And you should pick better friends, Ivan. These suck."

Turning my attention back to Neil, he doesn't protest anymore, as he is too preoccupied with the blood gushing out of his nose.

"As a matter of fact, I do know who you are, but maybe you should know how little I care about your title. Being a royal doesn't give you an excuse to act like an ass. And just because Lissa is not royal, it doesn't give you the right to treat her the way you did. She is not here for your pleasure. She is my friend and now, be a good boy and apologize to her."

"That won't happen," he talks muffled, from behind his hands.

Oh, this motherfucker! I tried to be relatively nice, but he keeps on being a dick!

I plant my knee into his groin and he is soon on his knees, giving me the occasion to get a hold of his hair, and I tilt his head up.

"I am not hearing it. Did you just whisper your apology?"

If Ozera and Dashkov wanted to show some friendship toward Neil, they have been smart guys and decided to stand by. I sent Ivan away, and Dimitri and Lissa knew what I was up to, but that doesn't stop them from whispering behind me.

"If the Lord hears about this, she will get in great trouble," Lissa voices her worry.

"She said she can handle it," Dimitri's answer comes fast.

"Were you dropped on your head when you were little?!" Neil raises his voice as he tries to make me let go of him, but I have a good grip.

"Plenty of times."

"So you knew what she was going to do?" I don't know if I sense anger in Ivan's tone, or worry. I guess Dimitri nods, because Ivan sighs. "Fine. We'll let her handle it if that's what she wants."

"You have no idea what you're-" Neil starts again with the intimidation speech.

"I do and I don't care. I am not the bad guy here. You've been an ass and I am not going to accept that, and for god's sake, you're our guest, you should at least pretend you're a decent being. And contrary to your shitty opinions, just because I am a woman, it doesn't mean I am going to stand by and let things like this happen to other women. I didn't say anything when your misogynistic comments were directed toward me, but I will not give you a pass for other things. Not even when it comes to a maid. She's a person in the first place. Not that I can say the same about you, you piece of shit."

With a shake, I let go of his hair and he gets up to his feet.

"This won't end here."

"I can't wait to see you again. I'll be waiting for you to come and apologize to Lissa."

He is the first to leave the salon, and it all ends with him slamming the door of Anton's office behind him.

Well, we all knew that will happen.

When I'm done with him, I turn to look at the other guests.

"You two don't seem any better than him. If I'm not mistaken, he told you what he did, didn't he?" I am specifically talking to Dashkov as when Neil came back with a satisfied smile on his lips, he bent towards him and whispered something. "And you didn't do shit. And you…" I look at Christian. "You may be the smallest bad thing, but you were still silent."

They look down and it doesn't take much longer until they excuse themselves and leave.

At last, I am left with Lissa, Ivan, and Dimitri.

Ivan is watching me with that half-amused, half-disappointed look. He'll get used to me eventually. He doesn't have any other choice.

"What? You would have done the same if you knew what he has done. I hope you would have, at least."

"You could have told me. I would have-"

"I can deal with it by myself, I don't need a man to fight my battles."

He smiles. "You very much do. Nice right hook, kiddo."

We all laugh but that doesn't last too much.

The door of Anton's office opens again and Neil comes back. He stops in the doorway of the salon and eyes me.

"It's over for you."

Minutes later, I've been summoned to the Lord's office and I think he is trying to play a mind game with me, as he knows I know he is in there, but still, he lets me wait in the hallway like an idiot, for fifteen minutes. Maybe he is trying to make me think of all the ways in which he could punish me, and like that, I'll get afraid. It's not going to happen, though.

Dimitri is by my side, waiting with me. I look at him and he finally opens his mouth to say something, ten minutes into our waiting.

"Considering what has just happened with the Drozdovs, this was very irresponsible of you."

I guess I was waiting for some praise from him, but what the hell was I thinking?

"I can think of a place for you to shove your opinion into, but I've been told that a princess doesn't have to talk vulgarly. Plus, you let me do it."

He smiles. "I didn't finish stating my opinion."

"Fine. Finish it. But I am close to sure that I will want to tell you to shove it in the exact same place."

"As I was saying. Irresponsible. Yet, brave."

What? Did he just say brave?

"At first, I was tempted to think that what you wanted to do was to intentionally bring up more trouble, like with Drozdov. But the fact that you stood up for Lissa… that was brave of you. No one stands up for non-royals around here. Neither around the Court."

"Would you mind telling the Lord the same thing?"

"My opinions don't mean much to him unless it's about guardian stuff."

"My bad luck then."

"Enter, Rosemarie," the Lord finally bothers to acknowledge my existence.

"Wish me luck."

The only thing I get from him is a nod.

I enter the room and I'm surprised to see Ivan. They didn't talk for so long? Did his father pin him with his glare for so long or what? Does the silent treatment work on Ivan as punishment? I should keep that in mind.

Zeklos points to the chair that's next to his son so I go occupy it. Then, he extends me a piece of paper

"What is this?"

"Your apology to Mister Szelsky. You will learn it word by word and will tell it to him as soon as possible. Tomorrow morning would be optimal."

I open my mouth in outrage, but I don't get to say anything because Ivan wants to do the same thing, and his father stops him, a dark look in his eyes.

"You had your chance to keep her in place and you didn't. Now let me deal with it."

He adds some more words in Russian and I think it should be illegal to talk to your child like that. That look in Ivan's eyes… my parents scolded me plenty of times, but I never felt like that.

When Anton's eyes are back on me, I finally respond to his request.

"I am not apologizing to that bastard. He deserved it. That is not a way to treat someone. I am not sorry that his immense ego got hurt. I'm not sorry for doing it." I hate men like that. Neil probably had it coming for a long time and I'm glad I was the one to put him in his place. "Instead of coming to you and bitch about it, he could man up and acknowledge his mistake and apologize. I am not the one who should be apologizing."

"Don't push me, girl."

"Or what?" It is too late when I feel Ivan's hand on my thigh, trying to stop me.

The Lord smiles. I bet he is so proud of the thought he just had.

"Fine then. Until you apologize, you won't be receiving any piece of food in this house. Not to talk about feeding. I am done with you acting out. You went and repeated the Drozdov thing! What are you thinking? Ruining us all?"

I get up, to assert some superiority in front of him.

"I want to make people realize they shouldn't act entitled just because they have the etiquette royal attached to their name. And if that's what it takes, I'm willing to starve for it."

The man gets up too and speaks with so much force that he almost spits on me.

"Get out of my face right now!"

"My pleasure." I look at Ivan. "You're coming?"

I feel the need to get him out of there, not wanting him to take the wrath I caused.

"He is going nowhere with you!"

Seeing the apologetic look in my eyes, Ivan nods, encouraging me to go.

When dinner rolls over, Dimitri comes to my room, sneaking in some food.

Seeing that plate on my table rubs me up the wrong way.

"You're taking pity on me now? I thought you figured that I hate that. I don't want to be treated like a helpless little girl."

"It's bad to starve. It's worse than pity, trust me."

"And does that imply I don't know what it feels like not to have a piece of food around?"

"Except what you did some days ago when you were too angry to eat? I don't think you really do. You're a princess, after all. Nothing ever missed from your life."

I find myself laughing. And he pointed the finger at me for stereotyping.

"Yeah. You are so damned right. Let me learn then." he doesn't do anything and that angers me further. "Take this food away, Dimitri."

When he still doesn't move, I push the plate away, to the edge of the table. The next step is to push it down the floor, but I don't want to waste food like that.

"Don't be stubborn. I didn't come here to argue."

"Really? Because to me it seems like you did!" He came in here pissed for some reason, I could tell from the way he put the plate on the table. "And now you picked on me because of that damned food! Before I got into the office you were telling me I was brave and now this? What changed?"

"You're making it difficult to be talked to! Anything I say, you twist it and I-"

"I didn't fucking twist anything! You were a fucking ass the second you entered this room!"

"That language again."

"Fuck my language! It is not about that!"

He smiles. "You know, sometimes I think you do things to inconvenience and annoy others just for the fun of it. When someone tells you not to do a thing, you go and do it, just to prove you can."

He still thinks that? He told me he understood why I did what I did today. What the fuck is wrong with him, doing a full 180 so fast?

"Fuck you, Dimitri. Don't assume things about me, okay? You know nothing about me!"

"I can easily figure it out."

"Is that so?"

"I've seen plenty of you."

"Oh, so you finally have an opinion about me? Then tell me! How am I, actually?! What is your conclusion? I'm a spoiled, heartless brat?"

"Not really. I think that's just an act. That's what you want everyone to think of you."

"An act?"

"I think you're just a scared little girl that pretends she doesn't fear anything. You put up this façade, but that's all it is. A façade. You're trying to hide something behind all that acting up, and sometimes it's working. Sometimes I think you even enjoy doing it, bringing trouble all around."

The way his words hurt, I haven't hurt like that in a long time.

"Go to hell, Dimitri. Get out!" I am teary, and to hell if I will let him see more than this. "Just get out! Now!"

His expression softens, but who cares? He still said those words and they fucking hurt.

"I wasn't wrong, wasn't I?"

"Why would it matter if you weren't?"

"Because I want to know who the real you is. No pretending."

"You already have an opinion. Why would I confirm or infirm it?"

"If it is the wrong one, I-"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does. To me it does."

"Just leave. Please." I burst into tears and I feel so ashamed of myself. "Get out! Get out or I'm going to hurt you!"

"I'll take my chances."

"Fucking go!"

Instead of getting away from me, he comes closer. His hand on my shoulder is meant to be comforting, but I need way more than that. And I feel the need to hide, so it doesn't take me much to rest my forehead on his shoulder.

He gets tense and I know what I'm doing is wrong, that I should pull away and make him leave, but I cannot keep it all bottled up anymore. I even take comfort in his arms when he takes me in his embrace and soothes my back as the repression of sobs shakes my body.

I let him sit me on the bed and I hide my face in the crook of his neck.

"I can't believe I'm crying in front of you." he turns off the little lamp on my nightstand. "What are you doing?"

"It's dark in here now. You can cry as much as you want. I can't see it."

I clutch to his T-shirt and cry even harder, not restraining myself anymore.

"I'm getting your shirt wet."

"I don't mind, Rose. I don't mind."

So I continue to cry. It's so freeing.

As I let my tears out, it seems right that I do the same with my secrets.

"You think… You think I know nothing about real life, Dimitri. You think I was raised in a bubble of luxury and… You think I don't know what lack is. You think I don't know what fear is. What hunger is. What pain is. But I do. Maybe I haven't seen the things you've seen as a guardian on duty, or lived through those hardships, but… god, I lived it too, even if for so little."

He puts his fingers through my hair and walks them on the back of my head, that little gesture bringing me so much comfort.

"Tell me."

It takes me a minute to gather the courage to speak again, doubting if I should tell him or not, but I cannot keep it locked in anymore. I pull away and look down at my hands, which are resting on my lap.

"Do you remember the attack from St. Augustine?"

"I do. From five years ago. Where…"

"Where my aunt and uncle died. I was there."

"There where?"

"At the school."

"That's impossible. That is-"

"Exclusively for guardians? Junior guardians? Yeah. I was one of them."

"One of the trainees? No. You're a Moroi."

"Yes, I am. But no one thought it was strange I popped out of nowhere after that accident?"

"You were studying abroad, isn't that right?"

"Sure. That's the story my father served to everyone. But truth is, no one heard about me until now because my parents… they gave me away when some stupid witch told them I will be the demise of this era and that their son was the one meant to be king, and that would've never happened while I was around. I'm about a year older than him, after all. So they kept the pregnancy hidden, then they gave me away, on the first day I was born, letting others raise me. I was raised by guardians, in Turkey, while they moved to the Court for their son's future."

"Your aunt and uncle raised you." He saw the sketches, it was easy to connect the dots.

"Yeah. No one questioned why they came back with a baby after some months of absence. They just figured out she got pregnant with a Moroi and that was it. They had a baby. And we… we didn't have it that easy. They raised me, not in the communes, but in a town nearby. As you know, guardians don't earn enough to have a great life unless they have connections with wealthy Moroi. My parents couldn't afford to get hired by any of them because there was the risk of someone finding out I am one of them, as they would have had to carry me along. They had the skills to work for the richest of Moroi, that's for sure, they could have had a wonderful life, without a lack, but they gave it all up for me. My biological parents didn't care much about our fate and they were happy to send us a shitty check once a month for a few expenses and for my studies when I started attending school, but I'm kind of glad my parents were too proud to cash those checks. Because of that, some days it was hard. But we were happy. Really happy. Until St. Augustine happened."

"And you were there when they died."

I nod. "I eventually enrolled to train as a guardian because the eyebrows I lifted around town became too much to leave unanswered after I missed my first year. I was the protégé of this couple of guardians and no excuse could have kept me away from that fate. Of course, I couldn't grow up to be a blood whore, and I couldn't let anyone know I was Moroi either. So there I was, training, at the school they started working at, just to keep an eye on me. I was there when they came. When the wards fell. The funny thing is… all my life I've been taught how to fight. I was always curious about what my parents were doing and they taught me how to defend myself since I was little. The guardian training came and added to that. But that night… I didn't fight. I was one of the few ones who managed to run away. You know, my father used to say: when nothing else works, take pride in your speed. So I ran when they told me to run. I know I should have stayed, but… you're supposed to listen to your parents, aren't you? I listened. Then, I spent two days in a nearby forest, lost and on the run, hunted by Strigoi, along with other novices, until they found us."

"It was winter."

"Winters aren't as bad there. The weather didn't matter much. We didn't have food and I couldn't drink any blood, but that didn't matter either, to be honest. What I remember from those nights is that I was so afraid. I thought I'd die, every second of it. Every sound we heard, we thought it was a Strigoi and we were praying someone would come and rescue us faster because we were stupid kids and we got lost and made the rescue team's work so much harder. I'll remember those nights until I die. How helpless we felt. Three trainee guardians, all alone in the big, big nothing surrounding that school. That was all that was left. Three idiots and a big, lifeless nothing." I smile a little, thinking of how close we used to sleep next to each other, huddling for some warmth. For some sense of safety, in fact. "But that's not what hurts most, those nights. Not at all. They… died for me. They fought for my life when one Strigoi got a hold of me. They put him down and they told me to run. So I did. I was so scared that I didn't stop to question what that meant, I just ran. I'll never forgive myself for that. I should have stayed."

"You were only fourteen."

"And what a shitty excuse that is. We have the expectation now that kids not much older than that age go fight Strigoi and I… I was supposed to do it. I was trained to do it. I was training for it since I was a kid. I should have been ready."

Tears flood my eyes again.

He looks through his pockets. "I'd give you a tissue, but I don't have any."

"It's alright."

But I can't stop them and I find comfort in his arms once more.

"Easy. Easy, Rose." He holds me tight, soothing my back. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault they're dead."

"Neither is yours." I don't answer, and he knows that if I would, I would contradict him. "But that's not the only reason I was apologizing."

"What were you apologizing for then? Telling the truth?"

"You're not like that."

"So now that I've told you my biggest secret, I'm not a spoiled brat anymore?"

"I was angry. I shouldn't have said such things."

"You were right. I act like that, after all. I pretend to be that. And I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I'll go back to being an emotionless spoiled brat tomorrow. Tonight, I just can't…" I've unlocked too many memories. I cannot make the tears stop.

"I like this better."

"You like it when I cry?"

"No. Of course not." he pulls away and wipes my eyes. "But I like it when you don't pretend to be someone else. Because you're not that. You're not heartless. You're so much more than that. I've seen you caring for Lissa. What you did today. I've seen you care for the well-being of the people around here. The guardians, I mean. I heard what you did for Yuri."

"I didn't do anything for Yuri."

He smiles. "You did."

"It was just a meal that I packed." I heard him say he missed dinner and he had to be out all night long.

"You brought that pair of gloves for Pavel. You fixed my collar, knowing the Lord scolds us for it."

"Come on, that's not even the bare minimum."

"It actually is not. Because around here, so few people even throw a second glance toward guardians. The fact that you observe these things matters, Rose."

"So, I'm nice, in my own, shitty way, huh?"

He smiles as he nods. "In my anger, I just chose to ignore it."

"Still, I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for them. For everyone, for what matters."

"That's a lot to ask from someone. Especially this young. You're supposed to give up on your life and do something you never asked for. That's hard."

"Still, I should do it. But I'm too selfish."

"I know I said that too, but… just because you're not willing to do one thing, but you'd do a thousand different ones, it doesn't make you selfish. I didn't see that until now."

"So you think I shouldn't marry Ivan?"

He shrugs. "You shouldn't ask me. I've always been told I put my duty first. Even you said I'm married with my job. I guess you know what I'd pick."

"What if you'd be in love?"

"Are you in love with someone?"

"Don't answer my question with another question."

I was just hypothesizing, but what if I was? I haven't opened myself to love, ever, but what if that would change one day?

"I don't believe in matters of the heart. I don't have the time for silly things like love. I don't even think it could last. Everything fades someday, even love."

"That's some dark approach to life, comrade."

"You believe in it?"

"I do. And call me silly for thinking it, but I think it lasts. My parents… they loved each other so much. They have been together for so many years and they were so happy. We were so happy together. I know it might sound like I'm a stupid teenager fantasizing about love, but I always dreamt of finding someone… someone who I could have that with."

"Then I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For having to have your dreams shattered."

He's right. How could I even think I could love someone else when I'm promised to another?

"Do you think Ivan could be that for me?" They seem to know each other so well. He could give me that answer, right?

"That's for you to decide. I cannot tell you who to love."

"But it doesn't matter, right? Things are already set in stone. I'll be his and that's the end of it."

Looking down at his hands holding mine, I wonder how we got to hold hands. He lets go of them and gets up.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have…"

He rushes out the door and I don't know if I did something wrong, but it seems like I did.

I spend most of my night thinking about whether I did or said something wrong. Was I the one who took his hands in mine? Was that too much of me looking for comfort in him? Shouldn't I have unraveled in front of him? Shouldn't I have told him all that? I do think he won't tell that to anyone, but was it fair for me to tell him nonetheless? After all, my secret is a lot to keep. I shouldn't have burdened him with it.

When I simmered long enough in my thoughts, I feel the need to move and I decide to go to the kitchen, to return the plate I eventually emptied.

I make sure to look behind me a lot of times, not wanting the Lord to see me if by any chance he's awake too. If he'd see me getting inside the kitchen, he'd gladly punish me and only god knows how much he'll enjoy it.

As I make my way to the kitchen, though, I see I am not the only one awake.

I meet Ivan and he falls in step with me, a jolly smile on his lips.

"Looking for a new way to run away?"

"I think I'm past that. Dimitri would find me in any corner of the world so it's pointless to try anyway."

"Then?"

"I came to bring this. Plus, I am still a little hungry."

"Let's get you something to eat then."

"But you know, your father said-"

"Screw him. You know… I'm sorry I couldn't do much for you. But I want you to know I was on your side. That bastard deserved it."

"Thanks."

He opens the fridge and scrunches his nose at its contents. It seems there are no leftovers.

"That's disappointing. You know, I suck at culinary stuff, but I can offer you…" he looks around the kitchen and his eyes glisten as he spots the break cooling down on the table. "Freshly baked bread, with butter, and oh, some honey! You need to trust me on this, it's a wonderful combination."

We sit at the table and he makes it his only purpose to prepare me that. Seeing how important it seems to be to him, I let him do it. I smile as I take a bite of it, and it is not out of courtesy.

"It's good."

"You could try to put some salt on it too."

"Salt?"

"Dimitri vows for that, but I never tried it."

And Lissa told me I am eating shady things when I put ketchup on my taco.

He smiles, seeming a little lost in another world.

"What?"

"Olena always made this for us when we were little and visited."

"Olena?"

"Dimitri's mother."

"Oh. He never mentioned her."

"He hardly does. It's hard to be away from home for so long, you know? He… I mean, we miss her a lot."

"We? You miss her too?"

"You know, my mother… she wasn't… I don't know how to put it. Let's say she didn't like me very much after I was born. She wanted a girl."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't worry. I was left to be my father's most precious possession," he comments with some bitterness in his voice, then goes back to the previous jolly tone. "But Olena was my mother enough for me not to miss anything. Each time Dimitri visited his mother, I made it clear that I would tag along and he never said no. She made me feel like I was one of her kids and she has been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. That woman is a gem. You have to meet her."

"Your mother…" I don't know if I should have asked. I shouldn't have.

"She died when I was little. When I was seven or so. She didn't have enough time to be disappointed in me."

I think changing the subject might be a good approach.

"Did you get in trouble with your father?"

He smiles cheekily. "Nothing I couldn't get out of with my charm." I smile too. "Oh, my, what have I done to deserve such a beautiful smile?"

"Shut up."

"We're bonding here, friend, you feel that, don't you?"

"Oh, you. Stop."

I look down, not knowing what exactly to do at his semi-flirt and I see that under his half-rolled-up sleeve is a burn mark. A significant big one. A fresh one too. I don't think that was there earlier today.

"What happened to your hand?"

"No biggie. I kind of made my way into the kitchen when the ovens were still turned on. You know how that is. They're hot and metal gets pretty heated too and you get burnt if you don't pay attention to where you're putting your hand and I wasn't paying attention to this opened one and well, things happened I guess."

I think he's lying to me. He never fumbled with his words until now. And that is quite a wordy explanation for such little information. But I think the best thing to do is to let it pass. He would have given me the truth if he wanted to.

"You should cover it."

"Don't worry about it, kiddo."

"Let me take care of it."

He smiles. "Will you put on a cute nurse outfit too?"

"Ivan."

"Sorry, sometimes I cannot help myself."

"Maybe I will not be able to help myself either, and I will smack you."

He shrugs. "Actions and consequences, right?"

"Come on, let me cover that up."

"I have some stuff in my room. And before you protest, no, I am not saying it to lure you there."