Beta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator
Chapter 13: The Eyes Have It
For a brief moment, Aqua felt a mixture of elation and a sense of disappointment so deep it made her start to cry. Then, she blinked away the tears, frowned at the badge on her breast, and asked, "Wait, what do you mean, officially inducted into the SOS Brigade?"
"You both helped save Yuki. I don't know how or why yet, but I'll find out. I-"
"Well duh, we did it because she's our friend!" Aqua said, planting her hands on her hips. "What sort of people do you think we are?!"
"That's what I'm still trying to find out. Now; are you now or have you ever been members of the Yakuza, Italian Mob, or other organized criminal organization?"
"What?! Of course n-" Aqua cut herself off and swallowed hard. On a number of worlds, including parts of Belzerg, the Axis cult was considered an organized crime syndicate. She was pretty sure she could lie now that she was mortal-ish, but doing so just felt wrong. Goddesses weren't supposed to lie, especially not to the Chief.
"Depends on what you mean by 'Organized," Kazuma drawled, leaning back in his chair lazily.
"I thought so," Haruhi said, narrowing her eyes. "Did Yuki get caught up in your byzantine schemes? No, don't answer that. Just tell me you're not here to hurt anyone."
"No! I only hurt evil monsters, not regular people!" Aqua said in exasperation. "You should KNOW this!"
"Should I?" Haruhi asked suspiciously. "Is Mizu really your family name? Where in America are you from?"
"What kind of a question is that?!" Aqua demanded, planting her hands on her hips. "Chief, we passed the trials, right!? So now we get to go back to where we belong, don't we?"
"Where you belong is right here as far as I'm concerned," Haruhi said with a shake of her head. "I don't know where you really came from, but-"
Haruhi was interrupted by Aqua grabbing her uniform and vigorously shaking her while breaking into those tears she'd held back before. "BUT WE DID EVERYTHING! I JUST- I JUST-"
"Hey."
Aqua paused in her assault of the Chief, who seemed thoroughly rattled by Aqua's efforts. A hand had fallen on her arm, and she looked up to see Kazuma standing beside her. "What?"
"Sorry about that, let me just talk to my partner here for a minute. Joining the SOS Brigade is a big commitment, and I think we need time to discuss things. One moment." WIth that, Kazuma dragged Aqua out of the room while Haruhi was still too dazed to protest, and the rest of the SOS Brigade was too gobsmacked to try to stop them.
Aqua did what she always did and followed Kazuma. It used to be because she had no clue how to behave in the mortal world. Now, it was because if there was anyone she trusted, it was Kazuma. Sure, he was a jerk, a NEET, a pervert, and the laziest bum she'd ever met (Aqua's lack of self reflection in this arena would have been ironic if she hadn't thought that was a kind of soap) but he was also her best friend, and he really cared about her. Not about the Goddess Aqua, who was an ultra powerful and amazing deity. Kazuma actually cared about Aqua the person. Only a bare handful of people had ever done that. The first had been Eris, thousands of years ago. The other two were Megumin and Darkness.
But Kazuma was the one she liked the best. She wasn't sure why, but something about him was just...fun. Life was more interesting when he was around, more vibrant. Which was why she absolutely wasn't going to let anything happen to her Bestest Bud. Even if she refused to let herself or Kazuma know that he was her Bestest Bud, and not simply her Best Bud.
Eris would understand, Aqua hoped.
"Alright. Here's the thing: That's not the Chief Goddess," Kazuma told Aqua once they had taken a few steps down the hall.
"What do you mean!? Of course it is! She's got a powerful divine aura, stronger than anything I've ever felt before! It calls to me, even in this mortal body!" Aqua exclaimed, sticking her finger in Kazuma's face. "Don't you think I'd recognize my own superior when I met her!?"
"Maybe. But remember, we traveled back in time. What if this is the Chief Goddess before she became...whatever a Chief Goddess is? That smug prick said Haruhi ain't got a clue she's a goddess, and the others backed him up on that. Yuki, at least, I trust to give it to me straight," Kazuma said, slapping aside Aqua's finger.
She gaped at him, uncomprehending. "But...but...The Chief...she's like, super old! Older than I am! Kazuma, do you understand how old I am?"
"I dunno, you look like you're twenty and act like a brat so maybe 16?" Kazuma said with a smirk.
"Kazuma…" Aqua took a deep breath, then took his hands. "Look into my eyes."
"Why, so I can see the back of your head?" Kazuma teased.
"Just...just do it, OK? I'll catch you when you fall," Aqua reassured him, trying not to get irritated.
"What the hell are you talking about? Your eyes are the same as-"
Aqua opened her eyes all the way. Not just physically, but in the spiritual dimension as well. It was dampened, in this form, so she was pretty sure Kazuma wouldn't die. Besides, she could probably bring him back if he did. Hopefully. Anyway, she let Kazuma see her. All of her. Or at least, try to. Seeing all of Aqua was basically impossible for a mortal.
She was old. How old, Aqua did not know, or really care about. But she had been there at the creation of Belzerg. She had been the one to create Belzerg. Other Goddesses had helped, of course, Aqua just made the Water and the things that lived in water, even super gross ones like frogs and jellyfish. It had been at the direction of one of the Chief Goddess, her, Aqua, and various gods and goddesses of other domains. But Regina, Wolbach...they had all been there, back at the beginning. Aqua remembered.
But Belzerg had been her world. It, and all its people, had been her responsibility. It had been hard, especially as more people showed up, and sometimes Aqua had made mistakes, like making Slimes end game bosses instead of easy little foes, but she thought she'd done a pretty good job. Eventually she'd got Eris to help her, and she tried not to resent the fact that Eris was mostly better at it than she was.
That was aeons and aeons of time. And Aqua let Kazuma catch a glimpse of it. Just a little. She blinked after only a second, and caught Kazuma when he collapsed. He'd fainted of course. She sank to the ground, holding him, and trembling slightly. The last person she'd let see all of her like that...they'd hated her afterwards. She'd shown Eris too, of course, once she'd been well on her way to becoming a goddess, but most mortals couldn't handle seeing a goddess in their true vastness.
Kazuma, on the other hand, woke up after a few moments. Aqua expected him to yell at her for being dumb. He didn't, and she appreciated that.
"Ok. So, I'd ask what the hell that was, but I have a pretty good idea," Kazuma managed after a moment of just trembling in Aqua's arms.
She nodded, afraid to speak.
"So, that was...you? Sweet Buddha, Aqua, how old are you?!"
"Old enough to remember when that stuck up prick first showed up," Aqua muttered.
"Ok. Stupid question, I guess. So, Haruhi. Could you check if she's got that goddess mojo going on too?" Kazuma asked.
"Well, yeah, but it's rude to just ask," Aqua said, feeling defensive. If she was ancient and powerful...the Chief was moreso. A lot more. She didn't know if she could handle that.
"Right. So, here's the deal: We get Haruhi to do that stare thing with you."
"I like to call it a Soul Gaze."
"You just read the Dresden Files."
"No, I listened to it on Audio Book!"
"Of course you did. Anyway, you 'Soul Gaze' Haruhi, and see how old she is. OK?"
"Um, alright. Why?"
"Because I have a feeling something weird is going on and I want to know what I'm working with," Kazuma said, slowly standing up. He hesitated, then looked at Aqua. "That was really you, though?"
"Yeah. Mostly. I, um….I know I'm not as smart as you and stuff, but…"
"Eh, you've got your own talents. Come on. Let's get this over with." Kazuma walked back to the room and pulled open the door, which resulted in a very irate Haruhi jumping into Aqua's face.
"THAT WAS GROSS INSUBORDINATION!" A hand darted out and slapped Aqua hard enough to send her reeling, and the Chief loomed over her as Aqua wilted. "If you are going to join the SOS Brigade, you cannot simply attack me! I ought to-"
Haruhi reached out to grab Aqua, only to squawk and fall flat on her face when Kazuma kicked her legs out from under her. Aqua caught the look of horror from three of the other Brigade members. Yuki looked like she normally did; placid as still waters. Aqua liked that about her.
"Let's establish something real quick, alright? There is exactly one person who gets to smack Aqua when she screws up: Me. You might, one day, earn the right to slap her around, but only after you've proven you're not as much of a stuck up brat as I think you are," Kazuma said, squatting and looking down at Haruhi as she sat up and rubbed at her tailbone.
"This is insubordination!" Haruhi ranted.
"No; this is gender equality. You slap Aqua, I slap you. Got it?" Kazuma growled.
"Sheesh, bit overprotective of your girlfriend, aren't you?" Haruhi muttered.
"She is not-! Look. We'll join your little club, on one condition," Kazuma proclaimed, standing up and glaring at Haruhi.
"And what's that?" Haruhi demanded.
"You have a staring contest with Aqua," Kazuma said with a shrug.
Haruhi paused, looking a bit baffled. "A staring contest?"
"Yep. She's part indian: got mystic powers and stuff. One of them is the Soul Gaze, where she can meet someone's eyes and measure their very inner being," Kazuma proclaimed.
Koizumi let out a strangled sound, then managed a weak chuckle. "That sounds awfully superstitious if you ask me. Surely there's no need for-"
"Really? Mystic powers? I call bullshit," Haruhi snorted, folding her arms under her breasts and turning to Aqua. But there was a sudden gleam in her eye that made Aqua hesitate. She remembered that gleam: It usually came before Aqua got sent on some embarrassing or terrible mission. Like what the Chief had done to poor Risarte before sending her off on an SSS class mission to defeat a demon lord. It was too bad, Rista had been a good drinking buddy. She'd even managed to beat the demon, but that hadn't been the real peril.
Rista had got involved with a mortal. Gross. Aqua wasn't a pervert like Ristarte. The only mortals she'd ever liked were Chris, and of course Kazuma and the two other girls. But not like that! Even if Aqua really wasn't sure what 'that' was.
"Alright, I accept your challenge. I'll kick your ass at a staring contest!" Haruhi laughed. "Sit over there! Kyon! You watch to make sure no one cheats!"
"Oh good grief, how could you even begin to cheat at a staring contest?" Kyon protested, but he knelt at the end of the table as Aqua took a seat across from Haruhi.
Taking one last look at Kazuma, Aqua got a double thumbs up and a wink. That made her feel better. She gave Kazuma a thumbs up and a smirk, then turned back, a manic grin on her face. She could totally kick the chief's butt at this!
Aqua intently stared into the Chief's eyes, then opened herself again. As she did, she felt something shift in the Chief. She fell into the twin brown pools of the Chief and-
Aqua started as she metaphysically found that she'd stepped into a puddle. It was shallow, and not very wide, with less than two decades of experience. She had memories of a squalling mortal babe, of a little girl laughing at a party with other little children, of a man and woman who were very, very important to Haruhi, and then a kiss, followed by a dizzying sense of confusion and-
A glowing figure appeared, his face burning with anger. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH CLOSED SPACE YOU JUST CREATED?!
"Huh? What? Koizumi, is that you? Why are you-"
BREAK THE CONNECTION BEFORE IT SWALLOWS THE ENTIRE WORLD YOU IDIOT! WE-
Aqua blinked, and the burning figure vanished. A moment later, she was back in the classroom. Haruhi was staring into Aqua's eyes, a bit of drool leaking from her lips, her eyes having gone glassy. Aqua barely had time to half jump across the table and catch Haruhi before her forehead slammed into the table.
"AH! Sorry, sorry, Chief I didn't think-" Aqua babbled, then pressed a hand to the other girl and did what she always did in these situations. "Heal!"
A bit of her power flowed into the Chief. It was weird, because the Chief was much, much more powerful than Aqua. Even if she only had enough memories to be...well, to be a 17 year old mortal girl.
"I didn't blink!" Haruhi cried, gasping for breath and looking up at Aqua with a wild look about her. "You did! I win!'
"Um, yes, I did. Are you...ok?" Aqua asked, cocking her head to one side.
The door slammed open, and Koizumi stepped back inside with Mikuru, straightening his tie. Both of them looked red faced and out of breath for some reason.
"Whew, what an intense contest! I had to step outside for a moment there for some fresh air!" Koizumi laughed. "Are you both ok? That was intense!'
"Yes! I win!" Haruhi panted, still looking a bit wild. "That was...that was-"
"Right, you win, we'll join the club," Kazuma said, patting Aqua on the back. "Now, you wanted to ask about the Yakuza?"
"Yes! Yes, the yakuza and Yuki!" Haruhi babbled, panting hard.. "They're here, they're everywhere, we just have to find them, then make them talk! Talk about what they did to Yuki, can't allow that, she's my friend, I can't let them hurt my friends, we'll grab 'em and kick 'em and then we'll-"
"Um, M-Miss Suzumiya?" Asahina asked gently, pressing a warm cup of tea into Haruhi's hands. "You should take a deep breath. Here. It's herbal: it should soothe your nerves."
"Yes, great!" Haruhi's hand shook so much a little tea sloshed on her blouse, but she did manage to take a few gulps, then a steadying breath. "I...Thank you, Mikuru."
Frowning, Mikuru pressed a hand to Haruhi's forehead. "You're feverish. Are you OK, Miss Suzumiya?"
"Yes, yes, fine! I feel GREAT!" Haruhi jumped up, a mad grin on her face. "We're going to kick the Yakuzha's butt! Come on, we're gonna-"
Haruhi fell over and Mikuru only just managed to catch her. "A-Aqua, w-what's wrong with Miss Suzumiya?!"
"I don't know, but she only has like, sixteen years worth of memories, it's weird," Aqua said, peering over the table.
Then she jumped about two feet in the air when Koizumi slammed his hands down on the table. "ARE YOU INSANE!? We just had to travel through time to even BEGIN to deal with that much Closed Space! The rest of the Organization is still cleaning up, what did you even DO to Haruhi!?"
"Well, I just showed her who I am," Aqua said with a shrug. "I don't know why she acted like that, or why she only has the memories a mortal would have."
Koizumi grabbed Aqua and spun her about, madness still gleaming in his eyes. "That's because Haruhi is a sixteen year old girl! She's just got the powers of a god, not the memories of one!"
"Well, she can't have mine," Aqua sniffed.
"Of course she- come again?"
"My memories. They're what make me, me. I'm not giving any of them away," Aqua declared, then shoved Koizumi away. She walked over to Haruhi and knelt down beside her. Yuki was already running a hand over Haruhi, her lips moving rapidly in a spell.
"Haruhi Suzumiya has taken in a great deal of data. Such an influx of data would cause serious errors in most mortal minds. She is, however, adapting, and processing the data."
"What will she do when she wakes up?" Kyon asked, sounding worried.
"Who cares? Let's go, Aqua," Kazuma declared.
"What?! No! I'm not leaving the Chief alone if she's sick. It's my job to help people who are sick or hurt," Aqua said, and put her hand on Haruhi's forehead again.
No sooner had she done that than Haruhi's eyes snapped open. "Hi mom, I'm awake, is it time for school? Oh by it's great, did you know I run a club, it's really interesting and I-"
Aqua gave up on the healing and just slapped Haruhi.
"Will you stop doing that?!" Kyon demanded, grabbing Aqua roughly. "You can't just go around slapping people!"
"Why not, she does it all the time, I saw her do it!" Aqua protested, pointing at Haruhi.
Somehow, getting her bell rung again seemed to have put some sense back into Haruhi, and she rubbed at her jaw, groaning and sitting up. "Ugh. Did I fall and hit my head or something?"
"YES!" Kyon and Koizumi shouted at the same time as Kazuma said, "No."
"Ugh." Haruhi got shakily to her feet with Yuki and Aqua's help, then shook her head. "Anyway. I win, so you have to stay in the SOS Brigade."
"I…" Aqua almost protested, almost argued. But...but she really didn't want to have to go back to heaven and leave Kazuma. She snuck a look at him, then looked back to...Haruhi? She wasn't sure, and smiled. "Of course, Chief! I'll make sure to spread love and joy throughout the world, just like you told me!"
"We're more about spreading excitement, but it is springtime. I suppose spreading a little love wouldn't be so bad," Haruhi mused. "It's about time we had an engaging romantic subplot! I guess Kyon and Yuki are hooking up-"
That prompted a strangled sound from Kyon, though Yuki didn't seem to react. Aqua noticed Koizumi go pale, and wondered what that meant. She had never been good at figuring out mortal romance, like at all. She loved sappy romance stories, but didn't really get the appeal of the fanservice or kissing. She just liked the big emotions and happy endings that they usually had.
Aqua couldn't stand sad endings. She had too many of them from all the mortals she'd had to say goodbye to.
"Very well! We will all find dates! Koizumi!"
"Um, yes chief?" Koizumi asked, his perpetual smile slipping slightly.
"Find yourself a date for the cherry blossom festival. Mikuru!"
"Um, yes?"
"You're going to be my date. The festival is in one week!"
MIkuru went bright red, and Aqua reached out and slapped Haruhi upside the back of her head.
"STOP BEING A PERVERT!" Aqua yelled, shoving her supposed boss.
"What, are you some kind of prude that doesn't think two girls can go out!?" Haruhi demanded, shoving Aqua right back.
"No, but you're the CHIEF! You can't just TELL a girl to go out with you, especially not one that's your subordinate!" Aqua ranted. "It's not RIGHT. It's why goddesses aren't supposed to have relationships with regular mortals! But, I will give you permission to go out with Mikuru, but only if you do it right."
"Why do you get to tell me what to do, are you my mom or something?!" Haruhi demanded, now bright red and looking both embarrassed and furious.
"No, I'm like...Kazuma what am I like to Mikuru?"
"Basically her older sister or something," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"But she's two years older than you!" Haruhi snapped, spinning around to skewer Kazuma.
"That's not important! Mikuru is too shy to stick up for herself! Look at her, she's practically wilting!" Aqua said, gesturing to MIkuru, who was trying to hide behind the tray she used to serve tea and even redder than Haruhi.
"So? She can still be my date!"
"Only if you ask her properly," Aqua huffed. "And if she says no, that means no. You should know that! You're not stupid, and even I know that a horny idiot like Kazuma or Rista made sure that the person they were perving on was into it before they did anything!"
"Oh." Haruhi blushed, looking down. "Um, Mikuru, do you, um, do you actually want to…?"
"THIS IS NOT PROPERLY!" Aqua ranted, grabbing Haruhi. "Ugh, come on, Yuki. You're like, super smart. We're going to make Haruhi ask Mikuru out the RIGHT way. Kazuma!"
"Yeah?"
"You and the boys help Mikuru dress up like a proper date, you know, make her extra cute or whatever. Yuki and I are going to get Haruhi ready to ask her out the right way!"
"And how do you know what that is?" Kazuma asked, looking incredibly dubious.
"I've watched all of Shakespeare's plays, and I've read Pride and Prejudice a million times."
"I bet you listened to it on an audio book."
"Shut up, it still counts as reading! Come on Yuki, it's time to teach Haruhi about dating!"
"I, er, don't know that this is such a-" Koizumi began, but Aqua ignored him, grabbing both Haruhi and Yuki and dragging them into the hallway.
"Let go of me, you can't just force me to do this, I'm the Chief!" Haruhi protested.
"I super can. You're only a kid, and I have experience!" Aqua said happily.
"I do not care how many times you've gotten laid, that doesn't make you an expert!" Haruhi ranted, and tried to jerk away from Aqua. She grunted. "Huh. You're really strong."
"Yep, my strength stat is maxed out! Now come on, this will be fun! You, um, you have money, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Proper romance is expensive, you need flowers, and chocolate, and a soundtrack! Don't worry though, I can totally back you up on guitar. Yuki, can you play any instruments? We should serenade Mikuru."
"I am proficient in a number of musical instruments," Yuki agreed.
"Great! You can sing and stuff, right Chief?" Aqua asked as she plowed through the hallways.
"Of course I can sing! I was a rock star for a day you know!" Haruhi huffed. "Argh, you're really going to make me do this, aren't you?!"
"Well, I'm the oldest one here, so obviously, I know what's best because I'm the big sis!" Aqua laughed as they scampered out of the school. She had let go of Haruhi and Yuki, but they were mostly following her willingly now.
"I'd argue with that, but…" Haruhi shuddered slightly. "How, um, how old are you?"
"Well I dunno. How old are rivers?" Aqua asked.
"That's...rivers are billions of years old!" Haruhi said as they walked along.
"Oh, well, probably not that old. Maybe as old as the last ice age? I dunno, I remember mammoths but not dinosaurs. It's too bad because dinosaurs are super cool," Aqua mused.
"You...you're joking, right?" Haruhi asked, hurrying to stand in front of Aqua.
"Haruhi Suzumiya. You will need a new outfit," Yuki said, suddenly putting herself between the two girls.
Haruhi jumped back, blinking. "What?"
"Dates should wear new clothes. I have learned this from my research into human relational norms," Yuki stated. "Come. I will use my knowledge of fashion history to assist in this endeavor."
"I love fashion! We should get all of us cute dresses!" Aqua agreed.
"I'm not made out of money, you know! My parents are anything but rich," Haruhi grumbled.
"Well at least you're not broke. I'm super bad with money, that's why I have Kazuma keep it!" Aqua laughed, then skipped off.
She would teach Haruhi the right way to be a goddess: no bullying mortals, and no boinking them. Well, you could, but you had to do so properly.
Besides, for some reason, Aqua was really curious to know what mortals liked to do for dating. After all, she had never been one before. Maybe Kazuma should take her out.
No, that was dumb! She didn't want to go out with the pedoNEET! And even if she did, Megumin would be super upset.
But it might be fun.