Sometimes, Aqua was a real pain in the ass. She was impulsive, scatterbrained, and that crying just grated on Kazuma's nerves. Well, when she wasn't saving his ass.

Right now though, he sort of figured she'd done good. For all his talk about useless goddesses, Kazuma had to admit that there were times when Aqua was able to do exactly the right thing, just like now.

Even if everyone was whining about it.

"What is she even thinking!? She can't just- I didn't even realize Miss Suzumiya was-" Koizumi kept starting sentences and not finishing them. Real pain in the ass, but seeing that smug smile wiped off his face was worth the price of admission.

"But, but Haruhi, and Miss Asahina- on a date!?" Kyon said, and blushed. Pervert. Just the sort of man of taste Kazumam could appreciate.

"This has to be because of your reckless behavior!" Koizumi declared, leveling a finger at Kyon. "You are dating Ms. Nagato?! What did I tell you about romantic entanglements! You were the one Miss Suzumiya had her heart set on, and now you could destabilize the entire world!"

"Hey, it's my love life! And we're not dating, just- look, we're getting a little closer, OK?"

"First name basis? Sharing a straw?! I'll have to check on Closed Space formation and-"

Kazuma got up and walked over to Mikuru who was tensed up and looking back and forth between the arguing boys.

"Hey. Shut up," Kazuma said, causing Kyon and Koizumi to turn to glare at him. Damn, what was with every guy's name starting with a K here? Talk about a lack of originality. He cleared his throat and turned to Mikuru. "So?"

"Um, so what?" Mikuru was still bright red, holding up the tray she used for tea like a shield. Kazuma put his hand on it and lowered it, looking Mikuru dead in the eye.

"I mean, what do YOU think?" Kazuma asked.

"W-well, um, I'm really happy for Kyon and Miss Nagato, I mean, I hope they can be good friends! B-but I'm worried that Miss Suzumiya will cause a timequake, they coincide with Closed Space formation and-"

"That ain't what I'm talking about," Kazuma sighed. "Look: Do you or do you not want to go out with Haruhi?"

"Um, i-if the mission requires it, I-"

"I do not give a shit about 'missions,' time quakes, closed space, or if Kyon and Yuki start playing tongue hockey in the halls," that got a choked gasp out of Kyon. What a prude. He needed to tap into that pervert energy a little harder. "What I mean is: Do you, Mikuru Asahina, want to go out with Haruhi Suzumiya? Or do we tell her to piss up a rope?"

"I-I would never!" Mikuru squealed, jerking away from Kazuma.

He raised his hands and stepped back. "Hey, it's cool. No judgement if you like hotdogs over clams, and, you're cute enough that if you're into guys, I might just volunteer. So we tell Haruhi to buzz off, and-"

"What!? No! I meant, I would never be so crude as, as to, as to say...what you said!" Mikuru snapped, striking her finger in Kazuma's face as she went more red from anger than embarrassment. "Telling someone to...that would be very crude, and rude, and you should wash your mouth out with soap, you...you delinquent!"

Kazuma blinked, then shrugged. "We have got to teach you nerds how to swear properly. Now, there are some words you should avoid. First off, none of us are black enough to go around calling someone the N word, hard r or not. You should-"

Mikuru balled up her fist, closed her eyes, and punched Kazuma in the shoulder. Or at least, she tried. It felt like Chomusuke had tried to hit him with her tail.

"S-stop being so rude! I, I won't accept it!" Mikuru gasped, then stepped away, looking concerned. "Um, I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Yeah, that's a no there, Slugger. Gotta work on your straight too. Look, you didn't answer the question: You into chicks or not?"

"I, um, well, I-" Mikuru winced, looking over at Kyon and Koizumi, who seemed both fascinated and taken aback by the entire conversation.

"It's, ah, well, I'm sorry, Miss Asahina, I suppose I should have asked that," Kyon admitted, looking away.

"Maybe a romance would calm her down," Koizumi sighed. "We should just do as Miss Suzumiya wishes."

"Screw that!" Kazuma snapped, jabbing his finger at Koizumi and causing the other boy to jerk back. "I don't care if that brat is a goddess! Just catering to her whims is going to make her even worse! Grow a backbone! What matters is if Mikuru is into it, not if it would make Haruhi happy!"

"I...I would like to…" Mikuru swallowed, then nodded, balling both hands into fists and raising them up as if she were taking a fighting stance. "Yes! Going on a date with Miss Suzumiya could be fun! My bosses told me no romantic entanglements, but...but I've been stuck here for five years now! I wasted all my teenage years with no romance! A-and they said they're taking away my TPDD anyway! So, yes! I will go on a date, before I get sent back home, because all my friends are here!"

"If those jackasses think they can just exile you Back to the Future, they got another thing coming," Kazuma snorted. He gave Mikuru a thumbs up. "Just tell me and Aqua! We'll kick their asses!"

"I, um, I...thank you," Mikuru whispered, looking down, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't...I don't know if I like Miss Suzumiya...that way. I don't know if I like anyone...that way." Mikuru looked up, raising a trembling fist. "But I would like to live life like a normal person, and go on a date like a real high schooler!"

"Wait, how old are you, anyway?" Kyon asked suspiciously.

Mikuru yelped and jerked away. "W-well, don't tell anyone, but um...I'm actually turning twenty this year…or I think so? I'm not sure...it's hard to know because I won't be born for more than a hundred years…"

"Super. So, the date's on. That settles it," Kazuma said with a nod. "We'll get you all gussied up and stuff."

"What do you know about fashion?" Koizumi laughed, his smug smile returning. "I'll handle it. There are people in the Organization who-"

"Um, actually?" Mikuru interrupted. "I'll just, um...I'll talk to Tsuruya. She...she knows about fashion and dates."

"That sounds like a great idea," Kyon hastily agreed. "I'm not really all that knowledgeable about such things myself so we'll leave you to it."

"Sure, whatever," Kazuma agreed, and slumped into a seat and closed his eyes. Too much excitement for one day. Still, things were falling into place nicely. He'd find a way to get what he wanted out of Haruhi yet.

Kazuma had just about drifted off when the door to the clubroom slammed open. He cracked open one eye to glare at the grinning green-haired girl standing in the doorway.

"Kyon, is what Mikuru is asking true!? Which of you finally nutted up and asked her out~? Was it you?! Oh, tell me it wasn't Koizumi, that would be HILARIOUS! Oh, is it this new guy? I thought he was dating what's-her-face, the Yakuza Princess?"

"Er, it wasn't any of us, Tsuruya," Kyon admitted, looking up from his game of Yu-Gi-Oh with Koizumi.

"I'm afraid Kyon is right, the beautiful Miss Asahina has escaped all our grasps," Koizumi laughed. "She didn't tell you?"

"Well, I mean, maybe she tried but I ran off when she told me she needed dating advice! Mikuru! Get your butt over here, you HAVE to tell me! Who's the lucky guy! Is it someone in our class?!"

There were hurried footsteps, and an out of breath Mikuru hurried up. "Um, well actually, it, ah, it's sort of private…"

"Oh!? A forbidden love!?" Tsuruya grabbed Mikuru and dragged her into the clubroom, slamming the door behind her. "Ok, spill! Who is it?"

"Um, well, actually...M-Miss Suzumiya is the one who asked me on a date…"

"Shut. Up. No way! You mean she actually likes you?! I thought she was just using you like her personal cosplay doll! That's hilarious!" Tsuruya threw her head back and started laughing, until Kazuma threw a wad of paper at her head.

"Will you knock that off? You sound like a donkey. And leave poor MIkuru alone. If she's into girls, who cares? All love is good in the sight of-" Kazuma cut himself off. Aqua really was getting to him.

"All love is good? Yeah, OK, I'll buy that! Look, I'm not making fun of Mikuru, if she's into girls, less competition for me! No, I just never thought she'd get a love confession from Haruhi! I thought that girl would make every boy in the school confess to her! It makes sense though, you've both turned down like, a million offers from guys over the years!"

"Really?" Kyon asked, slowly setting down his cards.

"Um, well, a lot of boys have asked me out, but I always had to say no. But, now that I've joined the Axis Cult, I mean! Um, well, you see Tsuruya, I um-"

"Got religion, huh? It's cool, my families into a super weird cult too, but don't tell anyone! Koizumi started his own cult and stuff, my dad helped him!" Tsuruya laughed.

"Ah, yes, that's something of a private matter," Koizumi said, the smile on his face becoming decidedly fixed. "Your father was most generous but the Organization isn't really a cult. We're a community aid organization that-"

"Pfff, yeah right. You can lie to yourself, but don't try that on me~! I can see right through your BS! Well, if shy little Mikuru can find a date, there's hope for you guys yet! Sorry though, Kyon and Koizumi, and..whoever you are, new guy! Hope you don't all have to fight over Yuki."

"Um, actually, Miss Nagato and Kyon, they, um…" Mikuru blushed and looked away.

"No. Stinking. Way! That's amazing! Oh man, love is in the air! You can smell the cherry blossoms!" Tsuruya laughed. "Oh, oh, this is great! Come on, let's go shopping together! We can have like, a super fancy date at my place! We'll get you dressed to the nines in something cute, Mikuru! You too, Kyon! Come on, Koizumi, you can be my date!"

"Actually, I ah, have a personal call to make in regards to that. If you'll excuse me?" Koizumi said, and hastily retreated from the room.

Tsuruya pouted, sticking out her lip, then shrugged. "Ah well, I'm sure there's another guy who'd go out with me! Kyon, what about your friend, Kunikida? He's kinda cute!"

"I...what?" Kyon stammered, but Tsuruya plucked him and Kazuma out of their seats.

"Come on, boys! Time to hit the town!"

"I do not recall volunteering for this," Kazuma grumbled.

"Pff, you're in the SOS Brigade, aintcha? You already got volunteered: for fun!" Tsuruya giggled. "Let's go, Mikuru!"

The shopping trip was, in Kazuma estimation, extremely boring. Thankfully Tsuruya was loaded or something, and volunteered to buy them all clothes. She took them all to a rather upscale clothing store, and Kazuma ended up in a fancy suit. He pulled at the collar, grimacing, then sighed heavily and slumped in his seat on a bench near the back of the store. He looked over at Kyon, who was fiddling with his own suit and slacks.

"Get used to it. Girls just love to play dress up with us as their victims," Kazuma complained.

"Why, does Aqua make you dress up for your dates?" Kyon asked, pausing in adjusting his jacket.

"We are not dating!" Kazuma snapped.

"Oh, so you're married then. You really do take that whole trapped in a fantasy-"

"I am not married to Aqua!" Kazuma growled, leaning towards Kyon. The other boy didn't back down though, putting his head close to Kazuma's

"Oh will you give it a rest? Everyone can tell you two are crazy about one another!"

"You're the crazy one! I have no interest in Aqua whatsoever!" Kazuma declared.

"Oh really? Then why do you sleep in the same bed!"

Kazuma jerked back, looking away. "That's...look. There was another girl, OK? And before you call me a pedo-NEET, Megumin was the one who started the fun and games, not me, and I never even tried to get to second base, even if she hinted she wanted me to!"

"Wow. Two timer. I knew you were a jerk, but that takes the cake. So, are you and Aqua just 'friends with benefits', or…?"

"We are not- Alright, listen up, asshole," Kazuma hissed, standing to glower down at Kyon. Stupid bastard just had to be taller than he was. "When I met Aqua? I hated her. Ok, well, maybe not hate, but...I died. OK? And she...she told me about...my parents...it sucked, alright? And I...shit."

Kazuma slumped down on the bench hard, feeling exhausted and weak. He looked up bleakly as patrons and staff walked back and forth. Mikuru and Tsuruya were talking with an attendant, picking out dresses and underwear. Absently, Kazuma wondered if he should swipe some panties. Just to stay in practice. But he gave up on that.

"When I died the first time, no one gave a damn. Not my parents. And friends? Pfff. As if I had any of those. They laughed at me. Assholes."

"How'd you die?" Kyon asked suspiciously.

"Not important. But, Aqua was there. She...she offered me a second chance." Kazuma looked down, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn't cry. It still hurt, after all this time. "Sure, she was bitchy, but...but she was giving me something I always wanted: a chance to escape my old life, and to be something. Do something. Maybe find love. And you know how I thanked her?"

"Joining that weird Cult Mikuru was talking about the other day?"

"Ha! No. I, spiteful bastard that I am, dragged her off like she was some sort of slave. I...shit dude. I treated Aqua like she was some sort of cheat item instead of a person. I don't...I don't know why she didn't hate my guts."

"It doesn't sound like you hated Aqua, you were just a jerk. Big surprise."

"Laugh it up! See how kind and generous YOU are when your own parents laugh on top of your grave!" Kazuma snarled, turning to glare at Kyon.

The other boy raised his hands in surrender. "Ok, Ok. So...you feel bad for taking advantage of Aqua? You didn't...you know…?"

"I...I couldn't," Kazuma admitted, his throat seeming to close up. He swallowed and made himself keep talking, hanging his head in shame. "I'd fantasized about...you know. Slave girls. And...doing things. But...have you seen Aqua?"

"Yeah?"

"She's just so...I dunno. Pure's not the right word. She just...she trusts me. Even from step one. She did what I said, followed me, encouraged me. Believed in me. Even when she insulted me, she always thought I could do it. Defeat the Devil King."

"So...you're not in love with her?" Kyon prompted.

"I don't even know. She's hot. Gorgeous. I wanted her but...but what if I ruined it all? I was stuck with just Aqua in another world. Now, I'm trapped in the past. If I drive her off? I've got nothing. No one. I was alone my entire life until I met Aqua. So, I told myself: No sexual appeal at all. Can't happen. That way, if I don't love her, she can't run off and leave me like every girl I had a crush on, or like even my parents did."

"Er...ok. And you're telling me this...why?"

Kazuma looked up and shrugged. "Hell if I know. Shit. Does it even matter? I'm going back to Belzerg, one way, or another. And Aqua's going to leave me, no matter what happens. That was always the deal: I beat the Devil King, and she goes back to the Divine Realm forever. Goodbye, and good riddance. Just like every other person in my life. Just like Megumin, though that wasn't her fault I guess. But she'd have left someday. Who could love a worthless NEET like me?"

For a moment, Kyon looked at Kyon blankly, then he sighed. "You want a cake?"

"I...what?"

"For the pity party you're throwing yourself," Kyon clarified. "Have you been listening to what Aqua says to you? She calls you her best bud. She's always crying that she's going to have to leave you. I barely even know the two of you, and I can tell that Aqua would rather cut off her own arm than have to be away from you."

"I call BS."

"You can call whatever you want. Maybe Aqua isn't into you, but she's still your friend. Look, I've seen you two fight, and I get it. That's not what you want in a girlfriend. I sort of like Haruhi, but I couldn't live like that, constantly fighting with someone."

"Are you insane?! Tsunderes are clearly the best type!" Kazuma snapped. "That's why I was totally never into Darkness! She was...well she was a massive pervert with great boobs, but she just rolled over, no challenge! How the hell do you even know if someone likes you if they won't argue with you!?"

"I really don't want to know what your childhood was like," Kyon groaned. "Look. I'm no expert on dating. But people like different things. Me? I'd rather be with a girl where life wasn't a constant struggle and battle."

"Pff. Why even call it a romance if there's no slap-slap before the kiss-kiss?" Kazuma sneered.

"Well then clearly, Aqua is perfect for you. You've been doing nothing but slapping on another since I've met both of you, so hurry up and kiss so you quit annoying the rest of us!"

"She's a goddess, dumbass! Goddess don't do love! Eris explained it all to me, and besides, like I told you, if I ever dated Aqua she'd leave me!"

"Well you said she's leaving you anyway, so live a little, and quit whining about it," Kyon said.

"Easy for you to say! Your harem isn't full of problem children like mine was!"

"Harem? What are you talking about?!" Kyon demanded.

"Isn't it obvious? You've got the bookish, nerdy, flat, dandere one in Yuki," Kazuma said, ticking off the point on his finger.

Kyon growled dangerously and raised a fist, but Kazuma continued, "The stacked older sister bakadere type in Mikuru-"

"Mikuru is not an idiot!" Kyon snarled, but still didn't take a swing at Kazuma. Smart man. Kazuma would have loved to kick someone's ass right about then.

"Haruhi is, of course, the awesome tsundere manic pixie dream girl, who if you had any sense you'd be on her route instead of Yuki's," Kazuma explained.

"You are a moron, you know that, right? Life is not a game!" Kyon said, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"Shows what you know. I lived in a world with levels and xp and skills and it was amazing. Anyway, not done."

"What, is Tsuruya in my 'harem' as well?" Kyon asked, his tone biting and sarcastic.

Kazuma shrugged. "She could be a secret route you have to unlock later, but you have to be pretty stupid not to see who the final one is: Koizumi is obviously the yaoi option. He seems like a sadodere, or maybe a yandere. Gotta watch out for those."

"I don't even know why I bother talking with you," Kyon groaned, covering his eyes with his hand.

"It's because I'm an experienced harem protagonist who has gone through his popular phase and knows how to deal with the ladies," Kazuma helpfully explained.

"And yet, you can't even tell that Aqua's crazy about you. I'd say you deserve each other, but I actually kind of like Aqua. She, at least, cares about other people."

"Hey! I care about other people. Just not morons, assholes, or people who try to rip me off. And don't forget, I saved your girlfriend's sorry ass from that Sky Canopy alien thing."

"That's true. I suppose I'll put up with you for no other reason than you did save Yuki." Kyon agreed. Then frowned, reaching into his pocket as a buzzing emanated from it. "It's Haruhi. Guess she's ready for that date or whatever. Hold on. This is Kyon. I-"

Kyon's face drained of blood, and he held his breath. A cold ball formed in Kazuma's stomach, and he stood up. "What? What is it?"

Kyon didn't respond, and Kazuma ripped the phone from the other boy's hand and put it to his ear just in time to hear Haruhis' panicked voice cry, "Kyon? Kyon can you hear me? They took them! They got Aqua and Yuki! Please, you have to get Kazuma, I think he-"

"Haruhi," Kazuma said, his tone calm as his emotions fled. "I need you to speak slowly and carefully: Who. Who took Aqua and Yuki?"

"Kazuma!? I'll send you a picture! I think it was the Yakuza! I didn't get a good look at them, I-"

"Where are you?" Kazuma demanded. "Where did they get taken?"

"We're at the mall, at the clothing store on the south side! I already called the cops, they're on their way but-"

"We'll be over in a second," Kazuma said, and clicked the phone off. "MIkuru! Get over here!"

"K-Kazuma!? Don't yell in the store!" Mikuru scolded, but hurried over, Tsuruya hot on her heels.

"Aqua and Yuki have been kidnapped," Kazuma said calmly. "The rest of you, get somewhere safe. I don't want them coming after you too."

"What?! Yakuza?! That's crazy, who would even-" Tsuruya began, but Kazuma tossed Kyon his phone and turned away, his mind already swirling.

"Wait!" Kyon cried, hurrying up to Kazuma. "I'm coming with you! I can't let them hurt Yuki! I'm not sitting this one out!"

"N-neither am I!" Mikuru agreed. "T-they turned off my TPDD, but, but I'll still do what I can!'

"You're not getting rid of me either," Tsuruya agreed. "I can kick more ass than you, I bet. What are you going to do?"

Kazuma shrugged. "It's on you then. Haruhi's on the other side of the mall. Come on."

The others hurried after, as Kazuma broke into a dead run, his face set in stone.

They had taken his best bud?

Their funeral.