Beta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator and Tabasco
Chapter 15: You Don't Tug on Goku's Gi, You Don't Spit Into the Wind, And You Don't Mess With Kazuma
Shopping with Aqua was, to be blunt, a surreal experience for Haruhi. The other girl babbled constantly about things that honestly made no sense. Remembering mammoths?! Aqua looked like she was 15, or maybe 20, actually, could she be as old as 30? It was really hard to tell. She had a sort of ageless look to her if you paid attention. Of course her behavior screamed air-headed teen, so Haruhi had just assumed Aqua was a highschool freshman like she claimed.
But then there had been...that thing. Where Haruhi had looked into Aqua's eyes and seen...everything. Well, not everything, but...time. So much time. Haruhi had seen an entire world created, and all its history. It's bizzaro, nuts history, where masked thespian demon lords battled winged goddesses with a thing for muscle men and an entire religion seemed to be a bunch of wacko used car salesmen.
Haruhi had never taken drugs, she frankly was not interested in anything that wasn't real and a bunch of fake chemicals messing around with her brain were the definition of not real, but she was almost certain looking into Aqua's mind was EXACTLY like it would be to be on drugs. It had been a surreal experience, opening up senses Haruhi didn't even know she had, and experiencing time in a way that was just...so strange, yet so right. As if all of history had happened, and she wasn't just in the stream of time, but WAS time, somehow.
In short, Aqua appeared to be just the sort of person that Haruhi had been looking for her entire life. An alien, magical being, or angel or something even more interesting.
And that absolutely terrified Haruhi.
It was one thing to imagine a wonderful world full of espers, time travelers, and aliens. But to meet one? What should Haruhi do? What should she say?
And why was she currently discussing if she should wear a dress or pants to her date with this apparent supernatural being?
"Well, I just don't like pants very much, a skirt is much more comfortable," Aqua was saying as she held up a miniskirt that might have fit Yuki appropriately but would have been downright scandalous on Haruhi. "And plus, they're super cute! What do you think, Yuki?"
"Dresses are a traditional choice for women engaging in courtship rituals," Yuki answered. "However, in recent times women wearing pants has become increasingly acceptable."
"Yeah, I always figured people should wear whatever they want. But mortals are like, super weird about all that gender stuff. I never really got it. That's why in the Axis Cult, all love is good!"
"I'm aware," Haruhi said dryly. "Look, I'm just going to wear whatever I want! It's not like we don't know one another!"
"So...you're OK with a goddess dating mortals?" Aqua asked, eyeing Haruhi sideways.
"Why wouldn't I be? It's like in Greek Mythology, where Zeus would always-"
Aqua practically tackled Haruhi, shoving her hand over Haruhi's mouth as Yuki watched the two girls slam into the clothing rack and get tangled in the wares. "Don't say that jerk's name! Do you have any idea how many problems he's caused!? And if his pantheon finds out I'm here I could get in serious hot water! Plus, I do not need that asshole perving on me again! Ugh, at least last time I had Athena to help me out of things!"
Haruhi's eyes went very, very wide, and she nodded slowly as Aqua removed her hand. "So...the Greek Gods… they're real?"
"Yep, and except for Athena and Hestia they are all a bunch of rude jerks. Thankfully I almost never had to deal with them since I was just in charge of Japan," Aqua huffed. "Shouldn't you know all this? Or...I guess not?"
"I mean, I have read plenty of mythology but I just thought it was...you know...mythology…" Haruhi admitted, feeling that sick sense of dread and excitement again.
"Yeah, mortals get stuff wrong all the time, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. Like, did you know King Arthur was actually a chick? Don't worry, I can teach you all the stuff you need to know, Chief! At least...I think you're the Chief? Or will be? I dunno ask Mikuru about time she knows more about it than I do."
Mikuru? Time? What was-
"Oh, look at this! You would just look, super cute in a skirt like this!" Aqua declared, holding up a number that Haruhi was fairly certain would have given her dad an aneurysm if he'd seen her in it. Which she thought was a ridiculous double standard, considering what her mother wore sometimes.
"Fine, I'll try it on. What about the top? Yuki, ideas?"
"Based upon color theory and my scan of current fashion databases, these choices would be optimum," Yuki replied, holding up two blouses.
"Hmm, no, this one wouldn't look good on you," Aqua declared, taking one and tossing it back onto the rack haphazardly. "This one would go good with your eyes though! I bet Mikuru would love it!"
"Yeah, it would look pretty good," Haruhi admitted. She wasn't even all that sure about this dating Mikuru thing. It had just been a spur of the moment decision. She was not getting left out of the romance, and if no interesting guys were going to step up and ask Haruhi out, well, she'd just ask someone out herself! And besides, Mikuru was cute to an almost criminal degree.
As Haruhi was entering the changing room, she noticed two larger guys entering through a back door. Haruhi stiffened, then ducked into the changing room, peeking out through a crack in the door. One of those men had a tattoo poking out of his cuff and onto his hands. They weren't…?
Quickly, Haruhi took out her phone and started snapping pictures. She was grateful to her mother for always insisting they get the latest phones, as she was a fiend for taking pictures and sending them to Haruhi.
Which was why Haruhi got a perfect picture just as the men grabbed Aqua and Yuki and started to haul them away. Haruhi almost cried out, but her voice got caught in her throat.
And then Yuki...moved. Haruhi had never seen anything like it outside of manga or anime, or some sort of wuxia movie. Flowing like water, Yuki slammed her leg into one man, who must have weighed at least twice what the tiny girl did, and sent him flying through two clothing racks. Aqua wailed and cried out as the other man grabbed her, but she appeared to be utterly ineffective. Yuki dashed over and headbutted the man so hard his nose crumpled and he fell to the ground. Haruhi breathed a sigh of relief and started to open the door. Where had Yuki learned Kung Fu, or whatever that was?
Then more men appeared, all with guns. Haruhi realized the store was strangely empty, with no staff in sight. What was going on? She snapped more pictures, expecting Yuki to stomp these bozos like the rest.
Only for Yuki to stumble, then collapse to the ground, writhing.
"Looks like that kid was right. This shuts off their weird stuff," a goon chuckled, holding up a device that made Haruhi faintly sick just looking at it, though it appeared to be an ordinary handheld radio. "Grab them, tie 'em up."
"What about the other one, the Suzumiya girl? She's around here somewhere."
"Leave her. Don't need that kind of heat," the head goon stated.
"You leave Yuki alone! GOD BLOW!" Aqua screamed, and her fist suddenly glowed with rainbow light. She punched one Yakuza thug hard enough that Haruhi could HEAR the ribs cracking, sending him flying back. She dodged a punch from another and kicked him in the groin, sending the man to his knees. Haruhi though Aqua would beat them all, but then-
"More of that, and I shoot your little friend. You want that, girlie?" the head goon growled, pointing a gun at Yuki's head.
Aqua froze, one hand raised, still glowing with power. "You wouldn't."
"Word's come down. This freak has gone rogue. No one's gonna care if we ice her. She's worth more breathing, but people would pay good money for someone like her dead too. So what's it gonna be?"
"I…" Aqua slumped, the energy around her hand vanishing. Two men grabbed her and bound her, tears trickling down Aqua's cheeks.
"No," Haruhi whispered, then jerked back when the head goon stepped forward.
"We know you're here, Suzumiya. Tell your friends in the Silver Masked Gang that this is Yakuza turf. Them Italians think they can muscle in on us, they got another thing comin'. We'll be at the Warehouse at 24 Nakashima with their precious princess. They want her alive, they come at us nice and soft."
Haruhi could only tremble and back away from the changing room door as Aqua and Yuki were hustled off. She sank to her knees, uncertain what to do. Then she lifted up her phone. For a second, she almost called her parents. But that was stupid. What could an artist and a salesman do? Instead, she called the police.
Then she called Kyon, because she didn't know what else to do. She just hoped Kazuma was with him.
Why Kazuma? Haruhi didn't know. But it seemed right, and she didn't know why.
Kazuma dashed into the store and found Haruhi standing trembling and alone in the middle of a wrecked sales floor. There had been a guard that tried to stop Kazuma, who was now taking a fist fueled nap on the floor. The rest of the gang piled in behind Kazuma, and he hurried up to Haruhi.
"You know where she's been taken?" he demanded.
"They, they took Aqua and Yuki to...to a warehouse at 24 Nakashima. I'm not sure where that is but-"
"We'll figure it out," Kazuma told her, looking around and frowning. "Who were they?"
"Yakuza. They said...something about the Italian mob, and the Silver Masked Gang? Kazuma, what is going on? Who are you and Aqua? And why did they know who I am?!" Haruhi demanded, grabbing Kazuma's lapels and pulling him close to her. Her pupils were dilated, and she was breathing hard, the air around her filled with an unnatural tension.
Kazuma had seen this before: When Aqua got really upset, or when Wiz got extra pissed about something. Only one thing to do. He reached out and touched Haruhi's forehead with one finger.
"Soothe."
Haruhi blinked, then slowly relaxed. "I...what did you do?"
"Magic spell. Not gonna explain right now. All you need to know is Aqua's a goddess, and I'm the hero who defeated the Devil King in another world. Also, Yuki's an alien robot thing."
Haruhi let go of Kazuma and staggered back, her expression poleaxed. "But that's-"
"Right now, I need you to goddess up and help us," Kazuma continued. "Because news flash: you're also a goddess! Only, apparently everyone around here is a bunch of dumbasses and never told you about that."
"Ok, now you're just talking out of your ass!" Haruhi snarled and took a swipe at Kazuma. He dodged it without even thinking. "Aqua's a goddess? I'll buy that. Yuki an alien robot? After what I saw, sure. But me!? I'm just a regular, ordinary girl, and until a couple of days ago nothing interesting had ever happened to-"
"Haruhi."
Pausing, Haruhi looked up at Kyon, who had a deadly serious expression on his face. "I am John Smith."
Once more, Haruhi staggered. "I… what?"
"You remember? Three and a half years ago, on Tanabata. I was there. I traveled back in time, and helped you draw those alien glyphs on the track field at your middle school. Mikuru was there too, she's the one who took me back in time."
Gaping, Haruhi turned to Mikuru, who blushed, but nodded. "Um, yes. Sorry I didn't tell you before...but...it was classified, and, well, I actually couldn't because of the brainwashing. I'm already being censured and they deactivated my TPDD, so, um...I guess I can tell you since Aqua helped me..."
"How, why, this doesn't-"
"Haruhi, focus," Kyon said, taking her by the shoulders. "You need to use your powers to help us find Yuki and Aqua."
"Powers?! I don't have powers!" Haruhi snapped, pushing Kyon away and shaking her head rapidly. "I always wanted them! I prayed to that stupid cult for powers, and read books on ESP, and did all this crazy stuff but- no! I'm a regular girl! This is all, this is all just crazy! But now Mikuru is a time traveler, Yuki's an alien and Kazuma's a slider! What are you, an esper?!"
"Actually that's Koizumi," Kyon sighed. "Look: you've got to use your abilities to-"
"I do not have time for this shit," Kazuma snarled, shoving the other boy aside. "Right. You don't have powers, fine. You're an extra useless goddess. But I am getting Aqua back. You said you have pictures?"
"I, er yes, on my phone I-"
"STEAL!" Kazuma snarled, stretching out his hand. Wonder of wonders, he didn't get Haruhi's panties. Instead he got what he wanted: her phone. He flipped it open and paged through it, examining the pictures.
"What the hell is going on here?" a voice cried. "We got reports of a kidnapping and robbery, what are you kids-"
Kazuma pointed a finger absently at the officer who was walking towards them. "Sleep."
The man fell to the ground, snoring. Neat. Seemed like his abilities were working. Apparently, he'd just lacked motivation before.
"Oh my god. You...you really do have magic powers," Haruhi gasped, her hand over her chest as though she were having a heart attack.
"Yeah, and there is practically no mana here, which means I have to do this," Kazuma reached out and grabbed Haruhi by the arm. She tried to jerk away, until he snapped, "Drain Touch."
"What...what are you...that tingles," Haruhi hissed, but didn't try to break contact.
Mana flowed into Kazuma. A lot of mana, even with the weakened spell. Haruhi was practically an endless fountain of mana, just like Aqua usually was. "Topping off. You're coming with me."
"Tsuruya? Please tell me you're normal or something," Haruhi managed as Kazuma stalked towards the exit, putting the phone in his pocket.
"Sorry, not at all! Ha ha, this is great! Just like mom and dad's stories!" the other girl laughed. "Oh man, I cannot wait to see the looks on their faces when I tell them I had a real adventure!"
"Oh my god. What are you?!" Haruhi demanded as Kazuma kicked open the emergency exit and led them outside.
"Half oni, I think. I dunno my folks aren't super clear on it? But couldn't you tell? It's not like green hair is natural or anything," Tsuruya laughed.
"Why not?" Haruhi asked, sounding a bit dazed.
"Are you serious? Even I knew something was up with Miss Tsuruya when I realized only aliens had unnatural hair colors," Kyon snapped, then turned to Tsuruya. "But I thought...Koizumi said your family isn't a part of the Organization."
Kazuma let go of Haruhi and stalked across the ground, using his Tracking skill. Yes. Aqua and Yuki had been here, sure enough. He just had to figure out where they'd gone now.
"Nah. My dad just like, owes someone a favor or something, I dunno. He stays out of it, says he's retired, and mom's always telling me there's no magic here. But that's clearly BS because this joker can use it! And here I thought you were the only exciting one Haruhi! Why didn't you tell me you were a Time Traveler, Mikuru?!"
"Well, um...I wasn't supposed to?"
"Exciting. Me. Yes. I'm the exciting one with an alien, a time traveler, a half oni, a slider, and...whatever you are, Kyon. You can't possibly be normal," Haruhi muttered.
"Kyon's normal enough, or at least I think so. Pretty sure he's the only baseline human in your little gang," Tsuruya said with a shrug. "I knew if I hung out with you guys long enough something cool would happen! Normally you just do normal stuff like baseball, which is alright, but I want a real adventure!"
"Are you crazy! A real adventure got Yuki and Aqua kidnapped!" Haruhi ranted.
"Yeah, real adventures suck like that," Kazuma said, coming back over. "Right. There were at least a dozen of the bad guys. They stuffed the two girls into a car. I can follow it easy enough, but we need wheels to track them. Anyone know how to drive? Because there is no way I can follow them if I have to try to drive."
"Oh, oh me! I can totally drive! I don't have my license but dad lets me drive around in the car sometimes!" Tsuruya eagerly volunteered.
"Great. Come on." Kazuma led the group over to a car, picked the lock with a spell, then frowned at the ignition. "Shit. Don't know how to hotwire a car."
He reached under the vehicle and felt around, then grinned maliciously when he felt a small box there. He snapped it open and took out the key. Luck really was the best skill. He tossed the key to the eager Tsuruya and jerked his thumb at the car. "Haruhi's coming as my mana battery, the Tracking spell takes up a lot of juice. The rest of you can bail, or you can ride."
"I'm not leaving Yuki!" Kyon snapped, and Mikuru nodded, though she seemed positively terrified, clinging to Haruhi's arm as if to hide behind the taller girl.
"I'll protect you," Haruhi whispered, gently patting Mikuru on the head, which seemed to calm the other girl. Though by the way Haruhi's pupils were dilated and her heavy breathing, she was just BSing. Still, he'd done the same thing on a number of his adventures, so he couldn't blame her.
Everyone piled in, and Tsuruya turned the key in the ignition, a huge grin on her face. "Hang on!"
"What do you mean, hang-" Kyon began, but then Tsuruya floored the gas and the car jerked into motion.
"That way!" Kazuma called, pointing. "Haruhi, give me your hand!"
"Er, Ok." Haruhi stuck her arm forward from the back seat where she, Mikuru, and Kyon were sitting, and Kazuma grabbed it.
"Drain Touch!"
Despite Tsuruya's claim she could drive, her abilities seemed to be at about the same level as Kazuma's own, which was to say erratic and haphazard, though she was able to follow Kazuma's directives. There was a lot of going back and forth as they wove in and out of traffic, and it took them about twice as long as it should have to get to the other side of town. The address turned out to be correct; an office building and warehouse on the outskirts of town. They parked in a run down lot across the street, Tsuruya still giggling to herself as she'd done the entire drive, and the three in the back breathing hard and twitching nervously.
Kazuma broke the Drain Touch; he was as topped off as he was going to get, and turned to frown at Haruhi. "You feel OK? Normally that takes a lot out of people."
"Fine, just fine," Haruhi managed, sounding out of breath, though that appeared to be sheer nerves instead of anything else. "Are we doing this? We should just call the cops. They can-"
"We're not calling the cops until I've cleaned this mess up myself," Kazuma growled. "I'm not waiting for someone else to rescue Aqua."
"Are you crazy!? They have GUNS. And some weird thing that disables people! They hit Yuki with some radio waves or something and she just collapsed!" Haruhi hissed, leaning forward.
Kazuma turned and regarded her. "You heard what I said before, or you got wax in your ears, princess?"
Haruhi jerked back, going pale, but Kazuma pressed on. "I took down a Devil King. Granted, I had help. A lot of help. But a bunch of low level mooks are not going to even slow me down."
"I'll help!" Tsuruya said eagerly. "I practice with my mom and dad, I'm super great at fighting!"
"I, I will-" Kyon managed, but Kazuma shook his head.
"You two bulletproof?"
"Um, no," Kyon admitted
"Totally!" Tsuruya laughed. "OK, well, not proof, but I'll sure I'll be fine."
"I, um, I have some combat training, but-" Mikuru hung her head. "...I'm not very good at it."
"You stay with your useless goddess. I'm going to go rescue mine, and carve a chunk out of the hide of whatever asshole thought he could take her from me," Kazuma growled.
"Awesome! Oh, oh, can you teach me a spell first? I totally want a spell!" Tsuruya asked eagerly.
"You got an Adventurer's card?" Kazuma asked acidly.
"What's that? Ah, never mind, I'd just punch someone anyway. This is gonna be great!"
"Miss Tsuruya, are...are you sure?" Kyon began hesitantly. "Kazuma might be able to pull something, he certainly has odd abilities, but you-"
Tsuruya crossed her eyes, puffed out her cheeks, and held her breath. And a small green horn popped out of her forehead. Haruhi let out a faint sigh, and slumped over. Apparently, that was too much. Kyon squawked and tried to lay Haruhi flat on the seat, looking near fainting himself.
"See? Totally a half oni! I'm not supposed to tell anyone and just act like a normal human but this is my chance~!" Tsuruya laughed.
"Um, um, I don't want to scare you, but, ah, those men coming this way don't look happy," Mikuru whimpered, pointing a trembling finger at two rough looking men, both with exposed arms wrapped with tattoos. One had a baseball bat slung over his shoulders, while the other had a cigarette clamped between his teeth.
"Show time," Kazuma declared, and stepped out of the car.
"Hey, kid, this is private property, you can't park here. Scram," Cig snapped, pointing an accusatory finger at Kazuma.
"Are you Yakuza!? I totally have always wanted to meet a pair of Yakuza!" Tsuruya asked eagerly.
"As a matter of fact we- oh shit. Hey, Ito, check out her forehead," Batboy said, sliding into a batter's stance.
"Oh, hell. Shoulda known with hair like that. Right, you kids are-"
Kazuma dashed forward, heading for Batboy first. He could use a weapon. The man swung the bat at Kazuma, but he could feel it coming. He didn't even need his Dodge skill with such a pathetic blow. He ducked under it, then pointed both hands at the man's feet. "FREEZE!"
"What the hell!?" Batboy tried to step back, only to slip on the newly formed patch of ice. He let out a cry and fell flat on his back, and Kazuma jumped on top of him. "Sleep."
Batboy immediately conked out, and Kazuma pried the bat from his fingers. He turned to see Tsuruya deliver a rabbit punch to the other man's forehead, a wide grin still on her face. "That was fun~!"
"So far," Kazuma agreed. There was a click, then a voice spoke from his victim's pocket.
"Ito? Tanaka? What's going on? Report!"
Lazily, Kazuma reached down and took the radio from the goon's pocket and put it to his mouth, depressing the button. In his very best Liam Niessan voice, Kazuma growled, "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my friends go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will end you."
"What the hell? Is this some kind of prank? Shit, I think someone came for the hostages! Get Fujiwara, and get-"
Kazuma shrugged and tossed the radio behind himself and turned to the grinning maniac. Why did he always end up with the crazy ones?
"You see that building over there?" Kazuma said, pointing to where his tracking skill told him Aqua and Yuki were.
"Yeah?"
"It's full of bad guys. Let's fix that."
"Oh my god, this is so badass! That speech was super awesome! You actually sounded mega tough!" Tsuruya laughed as she strode forward. "We can totally-"
Something triggered in Kazuma's head, and he dove forward, trying to tackle Tsuruya to the ground. He heard the sharp crack just an instant before he hit her. They both hit the pavement, and Kazuma saw a red spray of blood.
Oh shit. Had he just gotten this poor girl killed?!
Gingerly, Kazuma reached out to roll Tsuruya over, only for her to suddenly jerk upright. Her eye's irises had gone wide, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks. What had been a cute little snaggletooth before was now a row of fangs, and her horn had just gotten a lot bigger. There was blood leaking from a wound on her scalp, but the bullet appeared to have just grazed her.
"They shot me!" Tsuruya gasped.
"Yeah, keep your head down, or they'll do it again! We-"
"I WILL END YOU YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" Tsuruya roared, bolting up and streaking towards the location of the gun shot. "GIVE ME BACK NAGATO!"
Kazuma didn't even question it. He dashed forward, activating Sprint and catching up to the girl who was running about as fast as a cheetah at a dead run. There were more gunshots, but either whoever was shooting had terrible aim or they couldn't track targets moving as fast as Kazuma and Tsuruya were.
Ahead of them they saw a panicked man ejecting a magazine from a pistol and trying to slam another one home as he leaned out of the office door.
"MINE!" Tsuruya cried, and leapt ahead of Kazuma, tackling the yazuma member to the ground hard enough that Kazuma was pretty sure he heard something snap.
Inside, Kazuma found more goons, some with bats, a few with swords, and a couple with more pistols. Sheesh. Wasn't that sort of thing supposed to be illegal in Japan? Oh, right. Yakuza. Eh, whatever.
A few of the bullets might have hit Kazuma as the panicked gangsters fired, but he could practically see the lines the bullets were going to take. He pulled a Neo, dodging around the gunfire, and bringing his bat up.
"STRIKE ONE!" Kazuma screamed, and smashed the first goon's teeth in with a quick swing. He let the gun fall to the ground: he wasn't sure if Snipe worked on guns, and now wasn't the time to experiment.
Three yakuza attacked Kazuma at once, two with bats, one with a sword. They even looked halfway coordinated. Not bad.
"BIND!" Kazuma cried, and flung out a bit of the rope he always carried up his sleeve. It snaked around the first goons legs, and he tripped, stumbling into the other two. Kazuma took them out with a quick rap upside their heads.
There were more gunshots, and as Kazuma finished up with his three, a giggling Tsuruya barreled passed him. He saw one bullet punch into her gut, but she didn't even slow down. She kneed the poor bastard that had shot her in the face, laughing maniacally all the while. Another goon with a piece of rebar in his hand popped out of a side door and beaned Tsuruya in the head. She reeled for a moment, then laughed, plucked the rebar out of the thug's hand, and broke his kneecaps with one hit.
"You're not bad," Kazuma observed.
"This is FUN~! Oh man, why didn't mom and dad let me do this more often!?" Tsuruya cackled, and sprang through the open door after more yakuza.
Kazuma, however, had his eyes on the prize. There were six more goons between him and the door that tracking told him hid Aqua and Yuki. He stood, hefting his bat as the toughened gangsters flinched.
"I gotta ask ya," Kazuma drawled. "How many of you have seen Paranoia Agent?"
"Wait, that trippy anime with the rollerblade kid?" one of the gangsters blurted.
Kazuma grinned viciously. "Yep. Now, I'm going to be playing the part of Lil Slugger. Who wants to play victim?"
One of the gangsters volunteered, charging forward with a raised katana and screaming "Hey, fu-"
Kazuma with a flourish of the bath, Kazuma disarmed the man as he lazily sidestepped. On the way by, he rammed a fist into the gangster's gut. Feeling a little low, Kazuma muttered, "Drain Touch."
After a couple of seconds, he dropped the dead man to the floor. If Kazuma were going to feel even slightly guilty about killing the guy, the moron shouldn't have tried to hurt his Aqua.
Yuki too.
"Alright, who's next?"
"Screw this man, I didn't sign up to fight a goddamn magical assassin or whatever! These weirdos are ruining this place!" the otaku gangster yelped, and took off.
"Anyone else?" Kazuma asked.
"Nah, we're good," a far more foolish gangster sneered, lifting his own bat.
Once Kazuma had relieved the rest of the idiots of some teeth, he approached the door. He didn't just charge through though. His Sense Foe skill was going absolutely bonkers. He narrowed his eyes, and looked around. He could still hear the sounds of Tsuruya's laughter and pained cries from her victims, so getting back up was out. He needed something, something to even the odds. There was a boss or two behind that door.
Kazuma spied a can of body spray on a shelf, and grinned. Perfect.
He grabbed the can, hurried back to the door, and cracked it open. "Kindle." With a flick of his wrist, Kazuma tossed the can in, trusting to his luck not to hurt Aqua or Yuki. He turned away as the compressed gas exploded, making a makeshift flashbang. He darted through the door, bat at the ready.
"You...wish...communicate?"
A weird girl with long hair appeared out of the haze of smoke, apparently unfazed by Kazuma's little bomb. He aimed the bat for her head, only for a rippling barrier to appear. The bat shattered on it, and Kazuma staggered back, his arms aching from the recoil.
"Nice try, whoever you are. Another unaccounted for piece. Still, I'm the one with the Humanoid Interface on my side. You might have beaten the chaff, but now you will grovel before me."
Out of the smoke strode a smiling blond snake of a boy, hands behind his back. He was dressed in dark slacks and a dark long sleeve turtleneck like some sort of Bond Villain.
"It's inevitable, really," the blond boy tisked. "You can only experience time on a linear plane. But me? I see all possibilities. And I only pick the one where I win."
"That would be a lot more impressive of a speech if your fly wasn't down," Kazuma groaned.
The smug prick actually paused, then looked down self consciously. So Kazuma jumped up, snapped out, "DISPEL!" and then clocked the son of the bitch across the jaw. Blondie dropped like a sack of bricks.
"Data...sequence...interrupted...explain...please?" the weird girl said, tilting her head to one side.
"Nighty night, creepy," Kazuma snarled, turning to her. "Sleep!"
Instead of conking out, the girl tilted her head to the other side. "You...wish...too...exchange...d-"
Kazuma grabbed her arm and hissed, "Drain touch!"
"Error...error...data flow-"
The girl sagged, then sank to her knees. "System...mal...function?"
Kazuma kicked her in the head and she fell over. Panting, he turned to look around.
"K-Kazuma?" a tired voice whispered. He knew that voice.
"I'm here," Kazuma gasped, and dashed over to the corner, where a trembling Aqua was tied to a chair, an unconscious Yuki behind her.
"What did they do to you?" Kazuma whispered. He took out a pocket knife and cut the ropes binding Aqua. She slumped into his arms, sweaty and shivering.
"I don't know. They had...something...Kazuma… I don't...I don't feel-"
The door behind Kazuma burst open, and he spun, shielding Aqua with his body. Instead of more gangsters, Haruhi stood in the doorway, panting and holding up a baseball bat of her own, her eyes crazed.
"Are they OK?" she demanded, looking around wildly. Kyon hurried in, though Kazuma saw a shivering Mikuru clutching at Haruhi's hand and hiding behind her.
"Not even a little," Kazuma said, gently picking up Aqua in his arms.
"Yuki? YUKI!" Kyon cried, and scooped the small alien up.
"Extraction...required," Yuki mumbled.
"We'll get you out of here, I promise," Kyon swore, and stood up as Kazuma did.
"Thanks...bestest...bud," Aqua whispered.
"Any time," Kazuma agreed, tenderly holding Aqua close. "Let's get you out of here."
"The exit's clear, where's Tsuruya?" Haruhi demanded, looking around warilly. "Wait, isn't that-"
"No time, let's go," Kazuma snapped, and hurried from the room. They found Tsuruya in the hall, still giggling, and clutching her stomach, blood oozing around her fingers.
"Oh man, that was just...megas. Haven't had that much fun...basically ever."
"Oh my god, Tsuruya! You're bleeding!" Haruhi cried. "We have to get you to a hospital!"
"That'd be cool, turns out: not bulletproof! Just like, sorta resistant? Oh man, this hurts, but it was so, so fun…"
"We need to get you three to a hospital," Kazuma said firmly as Mikuru and Haruhi got under Tsuruya's arms and dragged the somehow still laughing girl out of the building.
To Kazuma's shock, an ambulance, lights flashing, screeched to a halt in front of them. The door popped open, and Koizumi jumped out with a uniformed paramedic. He looked at Haruhi, his expression sick, then shook his head. "Get them inside. We'll take them to the hospital."
Kazuma handed Aqua over to the paramedics, and the three injured girls were hustled inside the vehicle. The siren wailed, and the ambulance screeched away, leaving Koizumi standing with Kazuma, Kyon, Haruhi, and Mikuru in front of a building full of unconscious or dead gangsters.
Before Kazuma could say anything, Haruhi stepped forward, then spun on her remaining brigade members.
"Alright, I have one question: What the f-"
Yeah, this was going to be a real productive conversation. Kazuma could just tell.