Chapter 16: You Are Not Protag-Kun

Koizumi barely made it out of the club room before he started trembling.

Find yourself a date for the cherry blossom festival.

After so long...how? How was this even possible!? He'd thought he'd have to live a life without love, dedicated to Haruhi and saving the world.

But she'd just made it very clear that if Koizumi was going to fulfill his job as caretaker of universal order, he'd have to get a date. Haruhi was talking about love, about romance.

And Kyon, Haruhi, and Mikuru were off the table.

"I should be trying to rein in those two morons," Koizumi muttered to himself as he hurried down the hall.

But he wasn't thinking about Kazuma, Aqua, or even Haruhi at the moment. And that was the problem.

Koizumi ducked into a classroom he knew the Organization kept clean. With trembling hands, he pulled out his phone and dialed a number by reflex.

"Mori speaking. What's going on, Director? Should we expect a spike in Close Space formation again?" Mori asked after only the second ring.

"Haruhi has asked out Mikuru Asahina on a date," Koizumi said, slumping down onto the floor against the door and running a hand through his hair.

"She...what? Asahina? Oh, hell. What will the TPDD have to say about this?"

"I don't know. I'll have to look up her older self and see how this plays out, if she'll talk to me. We knew it was a possibility Haruhi was a lesbian, but I should have had potential girls in place. I thought she was fixated on Kyon," Koizumi groaned.

"If anything I'd say she's experimenting, but it's possible she swings that way, we had the data," Mori admitted. "You sound rattled though, Director. What's the problem?"

"Mori…" Koizumi sighed heavily. "I'm not calling you as the Director. This is just Itsuki Koizumi calling."

"I...see...and what would Itsuki Koizumi want to ask Sonou Mori?"

"Haruhi said she wants to see more romance in her life. Then she told me I needed a date," Koizumi admitted.

"Oh? Well, we could easily set you up with someone. Plenty of girls your age in the Organization. Or boys. It depends on- oh. Oh no. Koizumi, don't tell me this is about her."

"I just...I need advice, and you're the closest thing I have to an older sister or mother," Koizumi admitted.

"Oh for the love of Haruhi. Really, Koizumi? That's what this is about? You want me to give you feminine advice?"

"I don't exactly have many people I can turn to!" Koizumi snarled, raising one hand up and clawing at the air in exasperation. "I am, as you well know, conveniently an orphan! Even if I'm certain Haruhi isn't responsible for that, it's not as though I have any living relatives to ask about things like this!"

"Aren't there girls at North High you're interested in? I monitor your social connections, there's plenty of perfectly ordinary girls there who would probably say yes if you asked them out," Mori said, sounding exasperated.

"Maybe. But…" Koizumi hung his head.

"But that's not what you want. Look, Koizumi, I do not exactly have much experience in the dating world. I'm like most of the rest of us in the Organization: I was a hopeless NEET until Haruhi plucked me up and gave me a purpose. And since becoming your second, I haven't exactly had an active social life outside of our fellow espers."

"I could order you to go out with me," Koizumi said sourly.

"You're a bit young for me, and Haruhi knows who Mori the Maid is," Mori answered, sounding amused.

"Just tell me if it's a bad idea and I'll drop it!" Koizumi pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Speaking as Ms. Mori, Deputy Director of the Organization, this is a terrible idea and you know it, Director," Mori said sternly. Then she let out a very unprofessional giggle. "But speaking as your friend, Sonou...Itsuki?"

"Yes?"

"The world could end tomorrow, or even tonight. You know that as well as I do. Maybe just...be a kid, for a little while. Besides, if romance really is what Haruhi has in mind...she's your best bet."

"What if she says no though? The last time we really talked...you know how that ended. And the last time I saw her I wasn't exactly endearing myself to her," Koizumi lamented, his stomach tightening up into a knot.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did my Director, the man who fearlessly charges Celestials alone and faces down God Herself on a daily basis, step away? Because I thought I was talking to a man with a pair of balls, not a lovesick teen who can't get the courage up to call the girl he's got a crush on!"

"Do you want me to suffer so badly?" Koizumi asked, though he had to fight back a chuckle.

"Honestly, sir? I'd like to see you happy. And...Kyouko too. She's a sweet girl, and I think she still carries a torch for you."

You don't know the half of it, Koizumi thought, then sighed. "Right. Well. I guess that settles it. Besides, she could just say no."

"That she could. Ah, looks like Mizu is taking Haruhi and Nagato out of the school. Want me to send a tail?"

"No, they're likely planning their date. Just monitor from a distance. As long as Haruhi is happy and Mizu doesn't say anything too foolish, we should be fine," Koizumi groaned, getting to his feet. "And Mori?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks. The Organization…"

"We're like a family. Even if our father is younger than half our members," Mori finished, sounding rather amused. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Koizumi hung up. Then, after saying a quick prayer to Haruhi, sent a short text message.

I'd like to speak to you about something important in person. Where could we meet?

Koizumi was about to pocket his phone when it buzzed.

im sry about nagato! i didnt no!

Koizumi carefully typed out a reply. It's not about that. This is personal, not business.

personal? wat u mean?! im not coming back, u no that!

As I said, it's a personal matter, between the two of us.

u promise? i am supr busy i have a meeting with my agents! we r working hard to make sasaskis dream come true!

What, was she meeting with cardboard cutouts, or that collection of oddities she called her "Anti-SOS Brigade?" I promise. I'll explain. This is about us.

u mean that!? ugh im at school just come if ur serious i dont have time for your stupid games itsuki!

I'll be there shortly.

k. can u bring salmon roe it was to

"Salmon roe?" Koizumi muttered, frowning at the phone. He shrugged and sent an agreement. Maybe Kyouko was testing him?

Koizumi stopped by a market and picked up a tub of salmon roe, then took the train to Koyuouen. Despite the fact that he'd changed into battle against literal manifestations of god's wrath and contended with beings that could end all of humanity with a thought, Koizumi found his palms were sweaty, and that his foot tapped nervously.

He stopped and got flowers and Kyouko's favorite flavor of Kitkat: Green Tea.

When he got to the gates of Koyuouen, Koizumi's steps began to drag, and he found himself thinking of all sorts of vital things he should be doing. Requisitions for new materials. Communiques with the other organizations monitoring the situation at North High. His homework.

That last was particularly stupid. Someone was doing his homework even now.

"She's just a girl, Itsuki. A girl who could crush you to a pulp with her mind, but still a girl," he muttered to himself. Then, pasting a genial smile on his face, he headed for the classroom Kyouko had reserved for her "Paranormal Investigation Club." Which was a cover for her supposed Agency. At last count, the only members were Kyouko, and three people she had bribed to sign the charter.

However, when Koizumi entered the clubroom, he found three strange girls already there. His gaze wandered over the first two, a nervous looking girl with long dark hair in an oddly formal business suit, and a blonde girl dressed like a food service worker. The third, however, had blue hair.

"Ah, hello, are you all here for the Paranormal Investigation Club?" Koizumi asked, tensing up slightly. What was Kyouko up to now?

"Um, yes, but I think there's been a mistake? I, er, I'm not actually an esper or anything," the one in the suit said.

"We don't know who this guy is, Hitomi!" the blonde hissed. "You know we're not supposed to talk about that!"

"I...I'm still not sure this is all real, Anzu," Hitomi muttered. Then she looked over at the blue haired girl, who was busy playing on a handheld game and hadn't even looked up. "Hina, someone's here. Is he, um, is he the one…?"

"Huh?" The blue haired Hina looked up, her expression oddly blank and passive. "Oh. Hey. Did you bring my salmon roe?"

Robot inflection, check. Odd hair, check. Lack of social graces, check. Probably a humanoid interface. This was dangerous.

"I'm not sure. I'm Itsuki Koizumi, I'm looking for Kyouko Tachibana? I'm an old friend of hers," Koizumi said, smiling despite his shock. What was Kyouko thinking? Why did she have three middle schoolers, one of which appeared to be a humanoid interface? Her association with the Sky Canopy Dominion was bad enough. If more aliens were arriving...it did not bode well.

"Sorry, sorry! I was just running late!" Koizumi turned to see Kyouko running towards him, her arms full of snacks. She slowed down as she neared, looking suspicious. "You came. Here to steal my recruits?"

"Not at all. I wasn't even aware the Agency had met with such success lately," Koizumi laughed. "Ah, need a hand?"

"I can manage things myself, thank you," Kyouko sniffed, and strode past Koizumi. "Hey girls! I brought snacks and drinks!"

"Oh, um, thank you? A-are you going to tell us what this is about now?" Hitomi asked, taking a juice box and a bag of chips.

Anzu didn't speak, simply grabbing an armful of snacks and two drinks and beginning to stuff her face while glaring at Hitomi. The potential humanoid interface, Hina, took an energy drink, then frowned at the snacks, looking vaguely upset. "You said there would be salmon roe."

"Oh, right!" Kyouko whirled on Koizumi, planting her hands on her hips. "Did you bring the salmon roe?!"

"Ah, yes, I did." Hastily, Koizumi opened his shopping bag and drew out the tub. However, as he did so, Kyouko caught a glimpse of the flowers and let out a squeak, covering her face with her hands as she went bright red.

"Your, ah, salmon roe, Ms. Hina," Koizumi said, offering the food. It was snatched out of his hand nearly immediately.

"Yay," Hina said in a deadpan tone as she began to scoop up the food with her fingers. Further confirmation the girl was some sort of humanoid interface.

"Oh, Hina, you're not supposed to just eat like that," Hitomi said in exasperation, getting a pair of chopsticks out of her bag and pressing them on the odd girl.

Koizumi, however, had lost interest in the byplay momentarily, focusing on Kyouko. "Well, it seems my surprise was spoiled. Sorry about that, i was going to try to speak to you privately but-"

"GIRLS YOU START THE MEETING WITHOUT ME I GOTTA TALK TO ITSUKI REAL QUICK!" Kyouko blabbered, grabbing Koizumi and hauling him out of the room before slamming the door behind her. She stood in the hall, still flushed, and trembling slightly. "Are you...are you just playing me!? Trying to get me to come back now that I've found some real espers to join the Agency!?"

"To be honest, I had no idea. Those girls though...is Hina a humanoid interface?" Koizumi asked, folding his arms over his chest. "Please tell me you did not simply put another ad in the classifieds like you did when you started your little 'Anti-SOS Brigade.'"

"For your information, I didn't! And I don't think Hina's an alien? She's just really weird. But, but this isn't about them, you said this was about us!" Kyouko ranted, pointing an accusing finger at Koizumi. "If you expect me to come crawling back to you and the Organization on my hands and knees, I refuse!"

"Not at all. Though I am a bit baffled still as to why you think Ms. Ry-"

"Don't call her that, she prefers Sasaki!" Kyouko huffed.

"Fine. Why do you think Koriko Sasaki is god instead of Haruhi Suzumiya?" Koizumi asked, feeling the old anger and outrage resurface.

"I just...why do you think Haruhi is god!?" Kyouko demanded hotly.

"Because I know she was the one who granted us our powers. All of us. Including you, Kyouko," Koizumi snapped. "L- look. I didn't come here to debate. I came to give you these."

Koizumi pulled out the flowers and candy, offering them to Kyouko. She looked at them, trembling slightly, one hand half raised as if to take them.

"This is a game. A scheme. A trap. Things are never this straightforward with you," Kyouko said, her tone pained. She sniffed, wiping at the corner of one eye, then glaring at Koizumi. "Fess up! What is this about?"

Koizumi hesitated. He didn't trust Kyouko as he once did. But if he really was going to ask her out on a date…

"Haruhi told me I needed more romance in my life, and that I had to find a date," he admitted.

"Oh, and you thought I'd just roll over for you because your stupid god told you to ask me out!?" Kyouko demanded, her hand jerking away from the flowers as though they were poison.

"No. I thought about ordering one of my subordinates to act as my girlfriend, or even asking out one of the ordinary students-"

"We should just call them muggles," Kyouko muttered. "I told you, it's a perfectly sensible term."

"JK Rowling is a hack and you know it!" Koizumi snapped. "The Harry Potter books make no sense! Order of the Phoenix was particularly egregious, and the plot went all over the place! As someone who actually runs a secret organization-"

"Oh don't give me that! You're just mad because Sirius got killed off and he was your favorite character! You were waiting in line on release night, I was there with you! We even read the stupid thing in English!"

"Yes, well, that was just because…" Koizumi trailed off, then snorted. A moment later, he started to laugh.

"What? What?! Why are you laughing at me!?" Kyouko demanded, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at him.

"I'm sorry, it's just...I fall back into old habits with you. Just like the old days, before all of...this." Koizumi waved his hand vaguely. "When we were just a couple of otaku arguing on online message boards about our favorite books, manga, and anime."

"Oh. Um, well...I guess it's kinda funny. But they should still just be called muggles!" Kyouko huffed. Then she jerked her hand out and snatched the flowers and candy.

"I, um...I'll think about it. We can talk later, OK?" Kyouko told Koizumi, blushing and looking down. "I...I still believe in the world that Sasaki wants to create. One where...where the two of us could be together. That's why i started all of this, you know."

"I do," Koizumi admitted. "I don't know how much longer I can shield you if you insist on growing the Agency. There's some bad blood in the Organization, and while I am the Director, my power is not absolute. Other factions would replace me and seek a different approach. Perhaps even a more open one."

"Well, you should try it sometime. I told Sasaki and the world didn't just blow up," Kyouko muttered as she turned back towards the classroom.

"You what?" Koizumi reached out and slammed the door shut, making Kyouko jump back. "Why!? That's a move of absolute risk, with little to gain!"

"Well, honesty is the best policy," Kyouko sniffed. "Besides, I was alone, and so was she. Plus, did you know she DOES create Closed Space? She'd been having to deal with it on her own! The poor girl was running herself ragged, but now I can help her, and so can Anzu and Hina!"

"What!? There's ANOTHER being that can create Celestials!?" Koizumi demanded, his blood running cold.

"I mean...not really? Her space is just...empty. It doesn't really expand, it just sits there. But I still go and return it to normal space. It's not that hard, usually," Kyouko said with a shrug.

"I...I see. That is...you mean she really does have the ability to alter reality?" Koizumi demanded.

"Yeah?" Kyouko wrinkled her nose. "She can't control it though, like at all. It just sort of happens. Scares her, most of the time. That's why she was so isolated; she didn't want to get close to anyone when could do all these weird things to them without meaning to. But I'm helping her! And so are Fujiwara and Suou. Together, we'll make the word Sasaki wants!"

"That is...well. Not what I came to talk about," Koizumi forced himself to take a deep breath. "Philosophical differences aside...you were my best friend for a long time, Kyouko. Maybe we could be again. We could talk more, not just about our roles as Directors, but about Harry Potter or-"

Koizumi started when Kyouko jumped at him, throwing her arms around him and squeezing him tightly. "Yes."

"I...what?" Koizumi managed, slowly putting his arms around Kyouko.

She leaned back, grinning up at him. "Yes, I'll go out with you! You called me a Director, like you! As long as we're equals. I...it was hard, having you be my boss, and my friend. But...I do miss you. It's been two years. But I'm not some love sick middle schooler now!"

They separated, and Kyouko smoothed out her hair and blouse. "Alright, look. I have to go talk to those three. This could mean some serious funding for my Agency. And, um...you can't stay. At least not as Director Koizumi of the Organization. But maybe as my friend, Itsuki?"

"That would be...a challenge. Separating my professional and social life isn't something I'm good at," Koizumi admitted. "But I'm willing to try, for you."

"Ok. Well, um...I'll text you later then?" Kyouko offered.

"That sounds nice. Just...be careful. You know there are bigger fish in the sea than even the Organization."

"Pff, as if they can do anything to me. I might look like an innocent little girl but I can totally kick ass if I need to!" Kyouko giggled, then slipped through the door, closing it behind her.

Koizumi sighed, but smiled. Not the usual fake facade, but a smile of genuine warmth. He might just get his best friend back. Then he frowned. But she had broken protocol. Not that he could punisher for that, she had left the Organization, and she'd told "Sasaki," not Haruhi. But why go to Haruhi's cousin? This required further research. Especially if the girl really could create a kind of Closed Space.

"Koizumi? I'm sorry to bother you, but we need to talk."

Koizumi spun, reflexes kicking in so that he held out his hand. He lowered it when he saw that the Older Mikuru was standing there, hands in plain sight, no weapons.

"What do you want?" he growled. "And did you really date Haruhi Suzumiya?"

"I can't tell you that, and you know it," Older Mikuru said, giving Koizumi a faint smile. "But things are about to change for you."

"If you try anything with Kyouko, I'll end you, regardless of what your past self is to me," Koizumi snarled.

"It pains me that you think I've changed that much, Koizumi. I'm still the Mikuru you knew. I'd never hurt someone who wasn't a threat, and especially not someone who means so much to you."

"Are you going to use this as leverage then?" Koizumi demanded, his mind racing. He hadn't even considered the ammo this would give his rivals in the Organization. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's what you got when you let your emotions guide you instead of your mind.

"No, Koizumi. But I need you to go save our friends right now," the time traveler said with a sad smile.

"Save our friends? What did Kazuma and Aqua do!?" Koizumi demanded, jerking forward and pulling out his phone.

"Nothing yet. But the time of dreams is at an end. It's time for everyone to wake up. I'm sorry. You could be children for only so long. You understand that better than most," Mikuru said with a sad smile. She held out a slip of paper. "Get an ambulance and go to that address. You should be able to prevent any death this day. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. But altering things too much could have disastrous consequences."

Koizumi accepted the slip numbly. "Speak plainly. What's happening?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't. Remember this: Fate is fickle. But friends can last more than a lifetime. Goodbye, Koizumi. I hope to see you again."

With that, the elder Mikuru stepped back, and vanished as she waved farewell.

Koizumi glanced down at the paper, which simply read, 24 Nakashima, warehouse.

He was about to reach into his pocket when his phone started to ring. He pulled it out and flipped it open. "Koizumi."

"Director!" Mori gasped. "Massive formations of closed space, and growing rapidly! This is beyond anything we've ever seen! It makes what happened earlier when Mizu tried her stunt look tame!"

"I understand. Get me an ambulance, and deploy every team," Koizumi said calmly.

"Sir, an ambulance!? What's happening? Did Mikuru reject Haruhi? Is one of them injured?" Mori demanded.

"I fear so. It seems the game has just changed," Koizumi said, then hung up and walked outside.

He spent the ambulance ride praying to Haruhi that whatever came, she could forgive him for not being there when she had needed him most. And that his agents would be able to prevent Closed Space from swallowing the world, and making it anew.

Author's Note: I was going to post this later, but then I remembered today is Hinamatsuri. As such…