Hello everyone! Glad to see you here for another update! I hope you had an amazing week, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter

Peggy Walterman, it will be all blood, sweat and tears to get them together, but I promise it will be worth it :)

Just-kiwi, sorry for the feeling the last chapter left, but you shall know I plan more scenes like that. I just cannot help myself

See you in 2 weeks and I'm sending you lots of love!

CHAPTER 17 - You called me… Roza?

Rose's POV

The first thing that happens when we get back to the Court is that we are stopped by a guard. It seems that Dimitri received a package while we were away.

I can't say that I am the epitome of covert curiosity when it comes to this, but the package is from his mother, and ever since I had that talk with Ivan, something in me wanted to know more about her. He is kind enough to satisfy my curiosity by opening the package in my presence as he took me to my room.

She knitted him a sweater!

"That's lovely, comrade. Will you ever wear it? And don't get me wrong, I'd give all my money to see you in it," the only reason I say this is because I've never seen him wear anything but black, and this sweater, even though it's a darker shade of green, doesn't seem to go with his wardrobe choices.

"I'll think about it."

"Come on, it looks like wool, and not the itchy kind." I will plead for it if he wants.

He puts the sweater back in its box.

"See you later, Princess." yup, he should stick to that shitty title. It will remind me that our relationship should be strictly professional.

But speaking of gifts...

I have to get all the stuff out of my luggage to reach the package I need. Eh, I'll deal with the mess later.

I try not to get too lost while looking for Ivan's room, and you know, I hope no topless man opens the door. Even though that is highly unlikely. Dimitri doesn't live among us at the Court. Ivan's father might have been lenient about Dhampirs mixing with Moroi in his house, but that is not something the king would ever agree to.

"Hey, kiddo!" that's some excitement at my sight. "Come in."

I hadn't planned to, but I let him pull me inside.

"So, how come you are blessing me with your presence?"

"I wanted to give you this."

"What is it?"

He takes the box I hold out to him and opens it. I swear, if you've ever seen a Labrador with a toy, that's how excited he is about this box. But when he reveals the contents, his expression changes.

He takes his time analyzing the cashmere scarf, unraveling it and turning it over and over again, making me wonder if he likes it. Of course he doesn't! His mood plummeted at the sight of it! Is that color hideous? The material? I am taking it back and burn it.

"Let me get this straight. Now you're the one trying to charm me with gifts?"

"But… do you like it?"

He smiles. "Of course I do. But it was funny to see you worried about the prospect that I might not like it."

"I didn't... I don't know what you like."

He nods. "I know I'm not around much. But maybe now that you're here and I am too, we could see each other more often?"

"Can I pass that up?"

We both know that he has to make a lot of trips for this king's lobby and other things, and it hasn't just been the Court so far, so why fool ourselves?

He laughs. "What other answer could I have expected? Wait a minute, will you?"

He goes to the nightstand and pulls out a nicely wrapped box.

"This is for you. Merry Christmas, Rose."

I open it and hey, maybe I should be compared to that Labrador too. I am really curious to see what he has gotten me and if I should smack him soon enough or not.

When I see it, all I can do is smile. I didn't think he paid any attention to my useless conversation with Lissa at that one breakfast. Especially when we were talking about perfumes.

"I'm going to do something now, but don't take this the wrong way, okay, Zeklos?"

"Okay."

I hug him. And yes, he is as surprised by my gesture as I am.

"Thank you."

When I get back to my room, I see that someone has already taken care of the disaster I left behind. And that person is none other than Lissa.

"You know, you don't have to do that anymore."

Since she left Anton's house before I did, she doesn't have to be my maid anymore. Plus, you know, she's being courted by Christian, and that has made her somewhat important around here, which means none of us will be criticized anymore for hanging out.

"I know, but I was getting bored to death waiting for you. And we both know that tidiness has never been one of your strong points."

"Well, yes, but now I have someone else to take care of it."

I've got another woman taking care of me, who doesn't seem to like me very much, and when I become queen I'll have a few more people following me around, so I should get used to that. Oh, the perks of being important, huh?

"Just for old times' sake, right?"

She hugs me, and we spend the rest of the day together, catching up, exchanging gifts, and filling our bellies with crappy food while watching movies.

It's early the next morning and Dimitri is out practicing with the other guardians. Naturally, I go there. To annoy him, of course. It's my favorite hobby, what else do you expect?

Okay, okay, maybe I am not doing it out of mischief. Truth is, I feel the need to compensate for all the bonding we've done over the past few days, and what better way than to be a pain in his ass?

The whole group is a little surprised to see me there, but no one says anything. Except him, of course.

"Princess, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting ready for your lesson with Evette?"

Oh, that.

"She has something more important to do than be around me today," I lie without a second thought. The last thing I want to do right now is learn how to be more ladylike. That's really fucking boring. "And since my schedule is empty, I got bored. So entertain me."

"Shouldn't your friends be entertaining you?"

"My only two friends are busy." Lissa with kissing her boyfriend and Emma with sleeping her ass off.

"Maybe this is a chance for you to make new friends." The other Moroi are all too busy with the in-between holidays spirit (or should I say spirituous) to want to become friends with me.

"Nah. I'd rather hang out with you."

"This is no place for a princess."

"Says who?"

"Your father, maybe." He's giving me this speech for the other guardians, I know, but it still pisses me off that he mentioned that man.

"He's not here. And for all I care, he can go to hell."

"Your soon-to-be husband, then?"

"I don't follow his orders. I have my own free will."

I see the frustration growing in him, but I don't stop. I have a goal to achieve.

"And what do you suggest?"

"Let me fight with you."

"That's not happening, under any circumstances. It will not happen."

"Fine. Then I'll find my entertainment elsewhere. Maybe outside these walls." even though I doubt I could find a way out.

"That's not happening either."

"Fine, then. I didn't want to do this, but I find myself obliged to say this. I order you to let me fight."

He almost smiles at my attempt to assert dominance.

"You have no authority here. This is my lane."

"I am your Queen."

"Not yet." and his smile eventually appears.

I feel my ears burning with the heat of annoyance.

"Fine. Fine!"

I turn to leave, knowing he will follow. After all, he knows damn well that I will do something stupid in return, so keeping me here is a wise idea.

But he has to fight a bit more, doesn't he?

He stops me when we reached far enough so that our conversation can be private.

"What about your shoulder?"

"Fuck it. I'm fine. We heal fast for a reason, don't we?"

"You're in a dress."

"Oh, comrade, find a better excuse or let me fight. Or, you know, I'll find other entertainment."

"Fine, then," he sighs. "You can fight."

I cannot believe it has been this easy to obtain this fight!

He brings me among the others and informs them that I wanted to see how guardian training usually goes. His decision is met with questioning looks, but no one opens their mouth. They do, when he says he'll let me try things too, but no one gets too vocal about it.

"Have you ever held a stake?"

I know he has to pretend, so I have to do the same, but my cockiness gets the best of me.

"Of course I have." Nikolai here has been the witness to my skills.

"Yeah, like someone would let her near anything sharp rather than a kitchen knife," says one man, from the cover of his hand, but I saw that son of a bitch.

Had he commented on me being a Moroi, I would have let it pass, but the fact that he had to point out that I belong in a kitchen because of my gender, makes me want to scoop his eyes out.

I give him a deadly stare, then look back at Dimitri.

"Give me a stake already." I have something to prove.

He hands me a wooden stake, and after looking around and seeing that they all use them here, I decide not to be offended.

"We were going to have timed one-on-one sparring," he announces me.

"It works for me," I answer as I get rid of my heeled shoes and step onto a mat.

The same man as before puffs. I swear to God I'll kick his ass!

He calls for an opponent for me, someone I would describe as lanky. This guy is obviously a newbie, maybe a recent graduate, and I start to get angry at Dimitri. Does he think I'm that weak?

"No offence, but I'm not going to fight you," I tell the guy as he comes towards me.

"None taken, Princess." I can see it in his eyes, he thinks I'm crazy to be here and he doesn't want to deal with it.

"Who will you fight then?"

"Him. I want to fight him."

I point my stake at the one who talked shit. Everyone saw this coming, didn't they?

Dimitri nods.

"Anthony, come here. Our Princess wants to fight you."

"My pleasure," he says and begins to roll up his sleeves.

He comes closer, all cocky, with a stupid smile on his lips.

"You know I'll win, Princess. Don't take offence in that, will you?"

"And you must know I'll put up a fight."

"I'll go soft on you."

"Please don't. Give me your best."

That way, the loss will hurt him even more.

We spare, as usual, one hit from him parried by me, one hit from me parried by him. We take it slow at first. After all, we need to see what each other is capable of. But I just can't wait to show him how well I can kick ass.

The fun begins when I start picking up the pace. To his surprise, he takes a hit, but bounces back relatively quickly. After that, we start lunging at each other faster and faster, and our hits get more forceful. I manage to pound some fists into his side and it feels good that he didn't think I could hit him that hard. Sure, this only makes him more aggressive in his moves. After all, he doesn't imagine the possibility that I could beat him. I dodge him as best as I can, but I still get some hits.

He causes me to lose my stake at some point. The people around us laugh. This stupid stake. I know I shouldn't be looking for excuses, but this wooden one is really uncomfortable. I even think I got a splinter in my palm.

I soon quit pitying myself and lunge after my weapon before he gets to kill me. I attempt a semi-stupid move, and he takes the chance to put me to the ground, so I need to make the best of it. Since he thinks he has the upper hand and that I have no way out, I prove him wrong and slam the back of my hand against his stake, sending it flying. Now we're both weaponless, and our stakes are lying close to each other.

Oh, no, you didn't, the way he looks at me tells me, but hey, I just did.

I slam my knee into his stomach and push him off me, then I crawl on all fours toward the stakes. When I garb one and try to get up to my feet, he gets a hold of my leg and pulls me to him. So be it, if he wants me to get closer. I don't fight him and soon end up back under him.

From this point on, it takes two moves for me to fake kill him. First, an elbow to my right, in order to fuck up his balance by pushing his arm out from under him, and second, putting my legs around his middle and turning us around so I can get on top of him and finish him off.

Putting the stake through his heart earns me some cheers from the ones around.

I get up, breathing heavily, but so proud of myself. I can still fight, and fight well!

Some of the guardians are even clapping, which makes me smile.

For some reason, I see no reaction on Dimitri's face, but to hell if I will let him spoil my mood.

"And I did it all in a dress, people."

Evette would be proud of my accomplishment. Even if it wasn't a very long and puffy one, it still counts. And I can be thankful for my paranoia of people seeing my underwear. Unless it's a party, on a daily basis I'm wearing those tight shorts as a backup and today they came in handy.

In the spirit of collegiality, I extend my hand to the one I left on the ground, but he refuses it. Someone doesn't know how to lose. I get over it fast.

After my win, I get a little cocky, and whether I like it or not, I am actually pissed that he didn't like what I just did. Hence what I do next.

I lift my stake and point it at Dimitri.

"I want to fight you too, Guardian Belikov. Show me what you've got."

The other guardians cheer for him to do it.

"Hey, enough," he stops them, then looks at me. "Haven't you had enough fun? I think we entertained you enough."

"Are you scared?" the way he looks at me tells me this was not a great approach.

He comes closer again, trying to negotiate with me in private.

"I think that's enough, don't you?"

"Come on. You know I always wanted to kick your ass. And maybe you mine," I whisper to him so that the others wouldn't hear for sure.

"If we do this, you promise you'll stay put afterwards? No going around causing problems?"

"Promise. Today I'll be good."

His eyebrows lift. "Today?"

"Fine. Tomorrow too."

"Until the end of the week." that's four whole days! He's playing hard. But honestly, I would have promised him a month just to fight him.

"Deal. I promise I'll be good until the end of the week." he still doesn't seem impressed. "Cross my heart and hope to die. May I choke on apple pie and all the stupid rhymes, but let me fight you."

"Alright," he says, sounding like he already regrets it.

Our fight doesn't go as it did with Anthony. After all, Dimitri has already seen what I can do. And I've seen him around Strigoi, but it doesn't resemble the way he approaches me now. He's taking it easy on me. And of course it pisses me off!

At his next half-hearted attempt to hit me, I don't pull away. I take a step into the direction of the blow and because he's surprised by that, I manage to snatch the stake out of his hand, then throw it on the ground.

"Fight me, Belikov. Do it as you should, or our deal is off."

To give him an impulse, I slam my fist into his plexus and rob him of his next breath.

When he gives me that you asked for it look, I know I'm in for a good fight.

It doesn't take him long to get me down, as he aims for my knees and they give in quickly. I can only thank god there are mats around us, otherwise my butt would have been sore for weeks.

I know I will have no way out of this, once he gets on top of me. He will take my stake and kill me, so I throw it away as far as I can. He can't put it through my heart if he can't have it, right?

"I hope you'll never do such a thing with a Strigoi around," he scolds me and starts heading toward the stake.

I go that way too, and the fight for the stake begins. Most of the time we're pulling each other away from it, either on the ground or sitting up.

It is going well, I might say in my favor too. I don't know if he is willingly giving me the upper hand again, making it easier for me than he would for anyone else, but he doesn't seem willing to hand me a victory. He's making me work for it and I enjoy it so much!

One time when we're both on our feet, he gets a hold of my hands and if he thinks he has gotten me, I still have a trick in my sleeve. A semi-karate-kickass move that I haven't tried in years and I have absolutely no idea if it will work out, but I pray for the best as I plant one foot into the ground and give my body a kick up. I pull him down as he's attached to my hands, and my other leg, I put it around his neck and swing in such a way that I slam him to the ground. Like that, I am in charge.

Still, neither of us has the stake and the time is ticking. And just as earlier, I want to get up and fetch the stake, but my legs get tangled in the stupid dress, and I fall, and he lands on top of me because he tried to catch me, damn fool. But this little thing won't stop me.

We're both so close to the object we desire most and-

And he snatches it from me and kills me, a cheeky smile on his lips.

We stare at each other for a few seconds, both breathing heavily. It is only then that I realize how close we are and that I should not have pulled that move on him. But I do like feeling him against my chest and-

He snaps out of it first, when the timer goes off.

He helps me up to my feet after he fumbled up himself.

The guardians cheer him up for defeating me, and me for putting up a good fight.

He sends them away, telling them they had enough fun. They should start training seriously and instructs them to pair up and start sparring.

Then, his attention focuses on me.

"Are you hurt in any way?"

He searches my body and cleans my face of the little dirt I got on, as it seems the mat wasn't enough sparring space for us at some point.

"Besides my ego, no. I knew you'd win, but I didn't expect to make such a fool of myself and fall like that…"

I look down, feeling stupid. The smears on my dress are enough proof of my mistakes.

"Whoever taught you to fight, did a great job. Especially with that move."

I smile as I finally sense some pride in his voice, but I don't feel like I deserve it.

"Yeah… but not really, right?"

"Don't do that. You were a worthy opponent, Roza."

I snap my head up. "What? What did you say?"

"I said… You were a worthy opponent, Rose."

"No, you did not."

He stares at me blankly. "I did."

"You certainly didn't. You called me… Roza?"

His expression grows even colder if possible. "Why would I do such a silly thing?"

"Yeah, why would you?"

"I didn't." He is so determined to lie, that I don't think it would end well if I'd push it.

"Okay. Whatever you say. You um… take care of your class, I'll go to my room and be good."

Dimitri's POV

About two hours later, I find her in the refuge I showed her. I'm not too proud of myself for the way things were when she left, but what can I tell her? Admit that I called her Roza? I don't even know how I allowed that little thing to slip out of my mouth.

She heard me enter the chapel and upon seeing me get closer, she gets up to leave. I don't think she's still finding this place peaceful knowing that I can find her whenever I want.

"Please stay. I just wanted to see if you were here."

She stops about three pews away from me, and doesn't look up. Has she been crying? She has the habit to avert her eyes when this happens.

"I am here."

"And… are you alright?"

"Perfect."

I get closer, wanting to prompt her to stop lying to me. She still doesn't look up, and I cannot confirm my suspicion.

"What happened? Is this about earlier? About our sparring?" or what I did afterwards?

"I am not having a pity party for you defeating me, Dimitri. I knew you were a badass fighter when I challenged you. I only did it for fun."

"I wasn't talking about that."

"Then?"

"Something else got you sad when we spoke after." and it happened before I was an ass.

"It's nothing," she sighs. But it is.

"We can talk about it if you want."

"Why do you want to talk about it? Why do you care?" how could I not?

"Believe it or not, I do, Rose. I care about your wellbeing." I care about more than that, but I will not let that slip out too. "It's what I'm here for."

She doesn't respond. I don't move from there. I keep silent, but don't leave.

With a sigh, she sits on the pew and looks away.

"My best friend…. he taught me that trick."

"Mason."

"Yeah… he… I…" she gulps her tears and tries to shake that feeling away. "I can't talk about this, I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

I want to touch her hand and give her some kind of comfort, but I decide not to. It wouldn't be right. It shouldn't happen again. She shouldn't find comfort in me.

Instead, I take a step away from her.

"I should go." I don't think I've made things any better. I shouldn't have even come and poked around.

When she doesn't say anything, I turn to leave.

"This morning was fun."

I cannot help but smile as I turn to look at her.

"I'm glad to hear that. It was fun for me too."

"Was it? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"I don't think lying would make things better."

She smiles, only so little. "Maybe we could do that some other time."

"We'll see about that." I am still wondering what the consequences could be if the word goes out that I let her fight and that she can fight like that. "I still need to see if you keep to your end of the bargain."

When I see her smile wider, I leave with my heart feeling a little lighter.

But I cannot stop myself from checking on her once again, later. I need to know she's alright, hence why I enter her room, even if I knocked and she didn't answer. Stupid decision.

"Liss? Liss, is that you? Thank god!"

I didn't know they were going to meet.

"Do me the biggest favor and look through my bag for a tampon. I ran out and I've been sitting here for ten minutes waiting for you to come. You're late and I swear to god, if it is because of Christian again, I am kicking your ass."

Somehow I feel it is not my place to do such a thing, to go through her stuff, but she needs help, right?

"Liss? Did you hear me? It's an emergency!"

It is an emergency, isn't it? A special situation.

Okay, I just need to be fast. I get her bag and through all the silly things she's carrying in there, I finally find what she asked for.

When I get to the bathroom door and knock, I think that I could have handed her the bag instead of snooping around, but it's too late now. I was in a bit of a panic.

She opens the door and I slip the tampon through the crack, careful not to reveal my hand. It is already weird enough that Lissa hasn't responded to her in any way, and I have the feeling she'd freak out if she knew it was me.

"Oh, thank you! You're a lifesaver. I'll be out in a minute."

That is my cue to leave. I'm sure Lissa will find a way to cheer her up, I'm not needed.

Rose's POV

Someone puts an umbrella over me, providing shade from the afternoon sun. Looking up, who else could have done that than Dimitri?

Seeing his face, I feel my ears burning with shame. When I talked to Lissa and found out that she hadn't been in my room twice today, it was easy to connect the dots.

"Should you be out, in direct sunlight, at such an hour?"

Thank god he doesn't want to talk about earlier.

I shrug. "I had to get used to it at some point. And I kind of missed it too."

It's a particularly sunny day and there's no one around out here except a few guardians, so I couldn't miss the chance to be outside.

"It won't kill me, so you can put that away."

With some reticence, he closes the umbrella and leaves it next to me, just in case I change my mind.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure, there's enough sun for everyone."

He sits down next to me and I give myself only two seconds to admire the way the rays fall on his face before I look away.

Unzipping the pocket of his coat, he gets something out and extends it to me. When I look, I see that it's a pair of gloves. I guess it wasn't hard for him to see they were all red from the cold.

"Thanks."

I take the gloves and put them on, smiling to myself when I see how big they are on my hands. Would my hand in his feel just as small?

God, I shouldn't be having these thoughts!

"I love sunrises," I say even though it is not the time for one, but I'm trying to get my mind off our hands entangled.

He nods. "They're especially beautiful in the winter."

"It's a pity the sun hates us that much. I was always jealous of you guys for being able to be outside all the time."

He shrugs. "I guess there is a limit to how far SPF can go, right?"

His remark makes me chuckle. "Can I ask something of you?"

"Sure."

"Tell me about your mother."

"Huh?" he turns his head to look at me, but I don't look back. "Where does this come from?"

I shrug. "I'm not trying to be nosy. I just… I don't know. I guess I wanted to think about someone else and… you never talk about yourself and I just won't stop talking about myself and you always listen to me. Ivan once told me about her and I was just curious I guess. I know it sounds silly, but I wanted to know something about someone you care about." He nods. "But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I didn't mean to be rude."

The way he looks in the distance, makes things clear. He won't talk.

I try to make peace with his silence. I guess he will just always be a closed book for me. Maybe it's better that way. It keeps a barrier between us.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"I heard she's a great cook," I give him an impulse, now that he decided to open his mouth. "Ivan told me how your mother's food was the best thing during college, even with the fancy restaurants around."

"Yes, she is. You'd love it, I'm sure. And she… she's kind." I look at him out of the corner of my eye and see that he's smiling. "Despite all the things she has been through, she is still so kind. And she never complained once in her life. She raised all of us rascals and I never heard her complain once, no matter how hard it got for her."

"She… raised you all alone?"

That's not unheard of for Dhampir women. After all, Moroi men don't often stick around to help, and Dhampir men have other duties to accomplish, so it's kind of hard to have a father these days. Some don't even know who they are. I wonder if he does.

"There was my grandmother too, to keep us in check."

"How many siblings do you have?"

"Three sisters."

"You're the eldest?" he gives off the vibe of having to carry so much responsibility on his shoulders from an early age.

"No. There Sonya before me, then Karolina after, and Viktoria is the youngest of us."

"Was it hard to leave home?"

I was privileged not to have to leave my parents, but I had so many classmates who went through different hardships because of that, just so that they could study.

"In a way. But it was the best choice to make back then."

"But at least you had your time with them until you turned eleven, right?" that's the usual age when guardians have to move from the elementary schools in the communes to an Academy and start their proper training. "I know it's not enough, but-" I see him smiling and I don't understand why. "Did I say something wrong?"

"Of course not. But I… I left when I was six."

"Why?"

"It was the best choice at the time," he repeats himself, and the message is loud and clear: he won't talk about it any further.

I don't know what else to do, I don't know if there's anything I can say to make things better, so I say nothing.

"What if we'd go get you other candles?" he suggests out of the blue.

Funny thing. As much as I was happy that I had them after the attack, I forgot them all at Zeklos' house.

"Like… go out and get some? In the real world?"

I asked him to go get some when I realized I forgot them, and he was vehemently against me leaving the Court.

He nods. "Your room lacks some ambiance, doesn't it?"

Even if I appreciate his intention to make me feel better now, I cannot stop myself from teasing him.

"You have a soft spot for me, comrade?" it's not the first time he eventually gives in to one of my demands.

His brows furrow. "I don't."

"You answered too quickly for that to be the truth."

I swear to you, the man rolls his eyes. "Forget it, we're not going anywhere anymore."

He even wants to get up, but I get a hold of his elbow.

"Come on. Face it. I make life more bearable for you around here."

"Bearable?" he laughs. "Not really. Interesting and unexpected? Yes. But in a completely annoying way that is not in the least bearable."

I smile too.

"You know what I like about you?" he doesn't seem to want an answer, but I give it to him nonetheless. "You treat me less like one of them... and more like one of you. When I'm with you, I almost feel normal. The normal I used to be. You don't give me break or take me easy, and I like that. You hold me responsible for my shit and you don't put up with it. Do you know how out of place it feels when everyone calls me Princess? I've never been that. The only royal I've ever been, was a royal pain in the ass. I've always been a guardian. Or I did my best to become one. I fought harder than any classmate to be good at it. To overcome all my shortcomings. I always had a problem when it came to speed. I guess Moroi aren't as skilled as you guys. And maps, you know, they give me a headache." it feels nice to make him smile like that. It's warm and friendly, and understanding. "I don't know, I guess I'm jealous of Dhampirs again. Maybe it would have been easier if I had been born one."

"Are you sure you would have wanted that life?"

"God… I don't even know what I'm talking about, do I? But I had that life for so long so it feels familiar. Nonetheless, I never fitted into it. I never fitted in that world, of the great guardians. I was always afraid they'd find out my secret. And now... I don't fit here either. This… all this is so strange for me. I'm no Moroi. Not entirely. I mean, yeah, I have my title, but… I never even found my power. I used to think it was because I rarely was in the presence of any magic user, or some other excuse Mase or my parents would would come up with, but now, what excuse do I have? Shouldn't I have felt something? It's already so late to discover it."

"It's not unheard of."

"Yeah, because some never find it. But what queen would I be if I don't find it? Don't we look at these Moroi like they're freaks? How could people accept a queen like that?"

"You're more than your magic, Rose."

"Then why don't I feel that way? I feel like I'm... I don't know who I really am. And I'm afraid I'll never find out."

"You know who you are." why did I expect more words from him, huh?

"Do I? I feel like an imposter. I was one when I was surrounded by guardians, and now… now I am one too."

"You do know. In here." He points his finger to my heart.

"So deep, comrade, and so fucking Zen. But that doesn't help me much. I still don't know. Like in my head. That's where it's important to know, isn't it?"

"Maybe logic shouldn't be involved that much. Sometimes, it's a feeling, not a thought."

"But I don't feel it either."

"Maybe you're afraid to feel it."

"Yeah, maybe. What do I do if I don't like what I see?"

"You do your best to become what you want to be."

Of course. He's not the man to give consolation. He's the one with solutions. And he's so damned right.

"That's so much easier said than done."

"I know. But not impossible, right?"

I smile. "Oh, you and your Zen bullshit, comrade. It amazes me how come it actually works."

"You know… if anyone can do that through sheer stubbornness, I know that's you."

"Thanks. For listening. I needed that. And thank you for… the package… earlier. And I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you."

"What iss that?"

"That what?"

"The little bag in your purse."

"Oh, that. It's confetti."

"I could see that. But what for?"

I shrug. "For a special thing." he looks at me confused. "You'll think it's silly if I tell you." he still watches me, expecting. "I don't know. Some days get… hard. Especially after… you know… And to get through them… the only hope I had was to wait for a good moment. Like a very happy one, you know? Something to celebrate for. With confetti."

He smiles. "I hope you find that soon."