Chapter 27: Poor Unfortunate Mortals
The cafeteria at Kouyouen was less chaotic than most high schools', as well as being rather more ornate and with higher quality food. Despite the more refined air, the tables were usually as segregated and regimented by social groups and long habits as any by this point in the school year, with the cliques' territory all but cordoned off.
All this was thrown into complete disarray when the new student strode into the cafeteria, bought enough lunches for four people, and parked herself and her loaded trays at the center table. This was normally the territory of the Student Council, but when it was proclaimed that, "this table is claimed in the name of the Crimson Demon Clan!" the established order was broken.
The student council attempted to defend their territory with mutters, hostile looks, and even an, "oh, that's where the Treasurer usually sits."
"Well today, this is where the Foremost Genius of Kouyouen Academy shall sit. WHO WISHES TO CHALLENGE ME?" the newcomer had proclaimed.
Before a new defense or even an offense could be mounted, a new group of weirdos arrived.
"Excuse me, but I would like to sit there," Sasaki told the Vice President very firmly.
The poor boy looked up in shock, unable to grasp this egregious breach of all custom.
"I feel it is my duty to help my new classmate acclimate to our school. I believe we shall be friends," Sasaki told the VP.
That was when Suou came up on the other side of the table, giving the Secretary a disturbing smile. "You...wish...facilitate...social...dining?"
"Hey guys, what's up?" Kyouko said cheerily, planting her tray by where the Senior Class 3-A rep typically sat.
Fujiwara just stood behind the president, grinning and toying with something in his pocket that looked rather ominous and probably was.
At this new invasion, the student council immediately stood and beat a hasty retreat.
"Cowards," the new student muttered. Then quickly grabbed up some of the abandoned food and began to scarf it down. Her manners, Sasaki reflected, were absolutely atrocious.
"Hello. We're in the same class," Sasaki said, smiling as she sat next to the new girl.
"Yeah?" the word came out around a mouth full of food. "Are you here to steal my food? Don't you know that it's death to attempt to pillage a Crimson Demon's victuals?"
"We have our own lunches, we just want to talk," Kyouko assured the new girl.
"About what?" the girl swallowed and grinned, covering one red eye with an arcane gesture. "Do you wish to learn the Dark Mysteries of the Crimson Demon Clan? If you pledge to be my loyal minions, perhaps I shall reveal the hidden mysteries of the universe to you!"
"Wish...exchange...data…? Want...restore...communication…?" Suou said in a questioning tone.
"Are you some sort of golem or something?" the Crimson Demon demanded. "It sounds like whoever made you screwed up the intellectus binding."
"She's a humanoid interface," Fujiwara said, his face neutral. "An alien being created to observe humanity."
"Huh? You mean, she's like, made by elves or something?" the new girl peered at Suou, then grinned. "I know! You were fabricated by demons, an ancient weapon designed to strike back against the heavens and throw down tyrannical gods, proving the superior might of human ingenuity!"
"That's...not exactly right, but I do intend to use Suou to destroy the current order and remove the influence of both gods and demons," Sasaki said slowly. She frowned at the new girl. "You're not just some chuunibyou lunatic, right?"
"A CRIMSON DEMON IS A PROUD CHUUNIBYOU!" the girl shouted, jumping up on the table and spreading her arms wide. "I HAVE HEARD TALES OF THE CHUUNIBYOU OF JAPAN, AND I CHALLENGE THEM TO A MYSTIC DUEL OF ARCANE MIGHT! I SHALL PROVE THE SUPERIORITY OF MY CRIMSON BLOOD, GREATER EVEN THAN THE LEGENDARY HERO, KAZUMA SATO, AND-"
"Wait, you know Kazuma?" Kyouko blurted.
The girl on the table froze suddenly as silence hung over the cafeteria. She slowly bent over, frowning at Kyouko, who leaned away slightly. "You know of Kazuma Sato, the Legendary Hero who defeated the Devil King with the aid of the most beautiful and terrible of the Crimson Demon Clan, Megumin?"
"Um, well, I don't know about Megumin, but Kazuma does keep talking about defeating the Devil King in some place called Belzerg," Kyouko squeaked.
"He's...here?" the girl demanded, straightening up and looking around wildly.
"No, he's at North High with Aqua Mizu," Sasaki supplied. "It's across town.
"Oh." The girl considered this, then hopped down. "Well, nice to meet you. I am afraid I must depart, in a suitably dramatic fashion. Hmm, perhaps an Inferno Spell, or a-"
"You will go over to Haruhi's side so easily? Do you not groan under the oppression?" Sasaki demanded.
The girl paused in her thoughts. "Who's Haruhi? Never mind. Look, the point is, if you see Kazuma, or ESPECIALLY Aqua, don't tell them I'm here."
"And why should we do that? What benefit would it be to us?" Fujiwara demanded. Then jerked away as the girl shook a fist under his nose.
"Because if you do, I shall see to it that a personal misfortune in the form of a massive Explosion visits you when you least expect it, foolish mortal," the girl hissed.
Fujiwara sneered, recovering himself and trying to push the fist away. "I doubt you could even-"
"Drain Touch."
Fujiwara stiffened, then collapsed, his head slamming into the table before he slid underneath it.
"Error….data...exchange...interrupted? Unit...Fujiwara...need….maintenance…?" Suou queried.
"Yes, just take him to the nurse, Suou," Sasaki sighed, rubbing her forehead. This was going to be a headache, one way or another.
"Nurse…?"
"Um, human maintenance office? Room 64-C?" Kyouko prompted.
"Understood...taking….unit...Fujiwara...maintenance…" Suou helped the groaning boy to his feet, then the two of them toddered off.
"Perhaps we should move this conversation to a more private venue," Sasaki offered. "Don't mind Fujiwara. He can be a bit...presumptuous. And I assure you: We are not friends of Heroes or their Goddesses."
"Yeah?" After brief consideration, the strange girl nodded, and proceeded to inhale the rest of the food to hand at a rate that should have been both deeply unhealthy and completely impossible. Mouth bulging like a chipmunk with overstuffed cheeks, she nodded to Sasaki and Kyouko.
Exiting the Cafeteria, Sasaki led the newcomer to the Paranormal Investigation Clubroom.
"Ok, talk. How do you know Kazuma and Aqua?" the Crimson Demon demanded once the door was closed.
"We don't, not really. They joined my rival's group a few weeks ago, and have caused nothing but disturbances since then," Sasaki said simply. "Now, a question from me: Who are you?"
"I told you already. But, since you require a reminder…"
Leaping up atop a table, the girl unfurled her cloak, her red eyes glowing ominously. "BEHOLD! I AM KOMEKKO! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, SLAYER OF SYLVIA THE FLESH SHAPER WHEN I WAS A MERE SIX YEARS OLD, DAUGHTER OF HYOIZABURO AND YUIYUI, SISTER OF MEGUMIN, THE CRIMSON TERROR AND-"
"We do not require your complete history and genealogy, thank you," Sasaki interrupted, wincing at the deafening volume in the small room.
"Hmph. Well, I expect a proper introduction from both of you then," Komekko harrumphed, and hopped back down, folding her arms over her chest and glaring at Sasaki and Kyouko.
"Er, well, I'm Kyouko Tachibana, Director of the Agency, which is an organization of espers dedicated to Sasaki's cause. A-and we're growing fast, and I've recently secured new revenue streams, so don't take us lightly!"
"And I am Sasaki."
Komekko nodded approvingly at Kyouko. "That is almost a proper introduction for an Outsider. Yours, however, is extremely boring. Sasaki is not even a suitably mysterious or dark name."
Sasaki's nostrils flared, and she drew herself up. "Fine. You want the truth? I am Kiriko Ryuujiuun, daughter of Seiya Ryuujiuun and the Goddess Ristarte, born cursed as my unborn soul was ripped from my mothers body and bound within a horrific machine by the Devil King of another world, then slain by my own parents in their quest to defeat the Dark Lord, because that was the easiest way. Then I was reincarnated once more, cruelly born to the same parents, humbled for their sin and made mortal in the land of Japan, cursed with the very power of the gods themselves. Now I seek to remake the world into one where there are neither gods, nor demons, and all can live in peace."
Kyouko let out a soft whimper, hunching in on herself slightly. She knew Sasaki's history of course, but it always made her tear up. Sasaki was panting slightly at the end of it, her arms spread out wide, her face lifted up slightly as if to encompass the horror of it all.
Instead of recoiling or calling her crazy, Komekko simply nodded in approval. "That is a good introduction. But you are too static."
Sasaki's arms slapped against her side as she jerked in surprise. "I'm...what?"
"A proper pose must be dynamic, like so!" Komekko posed on one toe, one arm bent to obscure her left eye, the other flung skyward. "Simply T posing is a good way to assert dominance at first, but you must then move fluidly about, showcasing your dark powers!" Komekko fluidly snapped between various poses, finishing with a wide grin, fingers tented before her head. "It helps to have a large Explosion to walk away from as you strike a pose. My sister is a master of the artform. Provided she does not collapse immediately, which isn't always."
"I guess everyone from another world is crazy," Kyouko muttered, shaking her head and giving Sasaki an exasperated sidelong glance.
"Many minds are unable to grasp the true brilliance of a Crimson Demon's intellect," Komekko sniffed. Then she sobered. "Alright, tell me, why are Kazuma and Aqua at this 'North High?' How long have they been there?"
"Just a few weeks. They appeared out of nowhere, like you did, and started attending the school," Sasaki explained.
"Hmm, what has he been doing all this time? Why does he appear now? And why is it these foolish goddesses won't leave me alone?" Komekko muttered to herself.
"All this time?" Kyouko asked curiously. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing. Hmm. You too seek to oppose the foolish goddesses and their puppets? Even though you claim to have the blood of gods in your veins?" Komekko demanded of Sasaki.
Closing her eyes, Sasaki had to fight back tears of her own for a moment. There had been a time when she was happy. A time when she felt loved. A time when the world was...normal. And she desperately wanted to go back to before three and a half years ago. When she had learned the Truth after her fight with Haruhi.
"Yes. I would give anything to have an Ordinary World. Where we are all safe from both gods and demons."
"Well, I mean, you don't seem to have a problem with me, and I'm a Crimson Demon. Really, everything is Aqua's fault anyway. It's a proven fact, trust me," Komekko promised.
Sasaki opened one eye and frowned. "You're not...actually a demon, are you? You look human. You just have strange powers."
"Well, it is known throughout the land that while Crimson Demons appear to be nothing more than incredibly powerful archmages with red eyes and dark hair, we are secretly a race of beings descended from dark gods that laid with fair maidens, giving rise to our terrible powers!" Komekko cackled madly.
"I think you're just a bunch of insane chuunibyou that got your aesthetic from too many edgy light novels," Kyouko muttered.
"Ah, you mean the sacred texts? Yes, I have found where the founder first attained his ideals!" Komekko reached into her blouse and pulled out a copy of the first volume of Berserk and a volume of Stardust Crusaders, displaying them proudly.
"I mean, those are pretty good picks, but...sacred texts?" Kyouko made a face. "You know those aren't real, right?"
"Pff, I find myself in a ludicrous fantasy world where no one seems to know of magic, there appear to be no monsters, and you can acquire skills with no XP or skill points just by repeating them or even just reading a book, and not even a magical one, and you find the idea of the reality of the Sacred Texts silly? You should consider your circumstances, pathetic mortal," Komekko chuckled.
"As if there are really worlds where you can gain levels like in some video game," Kyouko said, rolling her eyes.
"Ah, actually…" Sasaki shook her head, and Kyouko goggled at her. "The world I was first born into did indeed run on such principles. That was why my father and mother were willing to kill the demon lord, even at the cost of my own life: it would grant them further power."
"Damn adventurers and goddesses, ruining a good time. You build a perfectly nice castle, finally manage to get enough food for you and your friends, and then-" Komekko coughed and cleared her throat. "Um, anyway. Perhaps we can help one another. Come to my dwelling at the end of the school day, and we shall bargain for how to best remake the world to fit our images!"
"I don't know that our desires are compatible," Sasaki said, narrowing her eyes at Komekko. "You seem to prefer a world of magic; I desire one that's mundane."
"Ah, but sweetheart, that's where you're wrong!" Komekko declared, grabbing Sasaki in a one armed hug and pointing off to some distant vision only she could see. "I can sense it, you contain great power! Don't worry, I'm sure we can work out a way for you to have your weird world with no magic and I can get back home."
During the rest of the school day, Komekko proceeded to spout off in class at the slightest provocation, thoroughly flustering the teachers and baffling their classmates, until everyone noticed that she had become chummy with Sasaki and Kyouko. Thus, the "weirdos'' of Class 2-A acquired a new member, and Komekko was slotted in as the chuunibyou, alongside Sasaki the Strange and Kyouko the Otaku.
"Um, sorry about the way the others were looking at you, they, um, they're all just muggles and don't understand," Kyouko said after school.
"What is a 'muggle?' Are they secretly monsters of some sort?" Komekko asked eagerly.
"It just means they have no strange abilities and are not privy to the secrets of the masquerade," Sasaki explained. "Now, what is it you wish to show us?"
"Come on, me and my 'guardians' are hiding out not too far from here," Komekko said. "Plus, I'm hungry! We need food."
"Are you serious? You ate enough food at lunch for like, ten people!" Kyouko protested. "Not even Anzu or Hina eat that much!"
"A Crimson Demon's appetite, like their mind, is mighty, and requires constant tribute!" Komekko proclaimed.
"Are you sure you're really human?" Kyouko asked dubiously.
"I told you! I am a Crimson Demon! I am only mostly human."
"To be fair, Kyouko, neither of us are strictly speaking human either," Sasaki pointed out as they walked out of the school building.
"I guess. Hey, how did you get into Kouyouen anyway, Komekko? The entrance exam is super tough, I had to study really hard," Kyouko asked.
"Passing a mere exam is child's play for a Crimson Demon," Komekko bragged. When Kyouko gave her a skeptical look, she reluctantly added, "I also may have used a minor spell to assist me. However, there was no rule preventing it, which means that I won again!"
Sasaki asked a few pointed questions as they walked, trying to learn about this 'Belzerg' that Komekko and the other sliders came from. It appeared to be a screwed up fantasy world of some kind, exactly the sort of horrible place that Sasaki wished to avoid at all costs. She had seen what levels and treasure could drive people to do: for such things, even children were sacrificed. She did not remember her time in another world clearly, only vague visions and flashes, but she understood enough to know they were nightmares.
"Wouldn't you be happier in an ordinary world? One with no magic, gods, demons, or monsters?" Sasaki proded Komekko.
"No! This world is far too plain as it is. That is why I must return from whence I came, and get my revenge against that foolish goddess and her champions that banished me!" Komekko decreed.
Sasaki took this as largely being her new friend's chuunibyou method of speaking. Komekko made it sound like she was the Devil Queen or something. She did admit she was only 16 like they were, and that her family had helped defeat the last Devil King, including her personally slaying one general that had attacked her village when Komekko was six years old. Instead of finding the experience terrifying, it seemed to be one of her fondest memories.
"And then I depressed the mechanism, unleashing the unholy power of my sister's Explosion Magic, Yunyun's Light of Saber, and Aqua's Sacred Exorcism all at once! Sylvia cried out in agony, attempting to withstand my attack, but I focused my arcane energies, and laid waste to the vile beast! Thus, I went up thirty-eight levels!" Komekko cackled as they arrived at what appeared to be a perfectly ordinary corner store a few blocks from the school.
"And you were six? Who brings a six year old to a war zone!?" Kyouko demanded.
"I was no mere child, but a Crimson Demon!" Komekko proclaimed, posing before the store entrance. "Now, prepare yourselves, for before us lies a dark and dangerous haven of some of the most vile and deadly beings in the universe!"
Sasaki shared a look with Kyouko, feeling bemused. Kyouko just squared her shoulders. They had both faced danger beyond what a highschool girl should. Whatever lay beyond the doors, they were ready.
They stepped inside, a bell ringing as the door swung open.
"Welcome, please let me know if you need help finding anything!" a sweet looking woman behind the counter said, giving the pair a smile and friendly wave.
The hairs on the back of Sasaki's neck rose, but she wasn't quite certain why.
"Behold, the vilest, most wicked being in all creation! The fearsome lich!" Komekko declared, pointing to the woman.
"Seriously? That's not a lich. Lich's are risen magic users. They're all boney, with glowing eyes and stuff," Kyouko said, sounding exasperated.
"Oh-ho? Does moi hear the sound of customers?" a man wearing an odd black and white mask chuckled, rubbing white gloved hands. "Can moi interest thee in our fine selection of goods? We have only the finest imported wares."
"And the most fearsome of the residents of Hell, Vanir!" Komekko proclaimed.
Sasaki felt uneasy looking at the man, as if there were an odd aura emanating from him. Kyouko just giggled at his mask and antiquated speech.
"But I have saved the most wicked of creatures for last!" Komekko picked up a small black cat that had been dozing on a shelf, lifting it up so that it yowled and struggled in her grip as she thrust her pet towards Sasaki and Kyouko. "BEHOLD! THE DARK GODDESS OF SLOTH AND VIOLENCE!"
This time, Sasaki took a step back, the powerful evil radiating from the beast causing her to suck in a breath.
"Awww, she's so cute!" Kyouko giggled, tickling the cat's belly. "You are such a chuuni, Komekko."
"Kyouko," Sasaki said, her voice tight. "I think we should leave."
"Oh? Is something wrong?" the woman behind the counter gasped, and hurried forward before Sasaki could flee. She put a cool hand to Sasaki's forehead, only to let out a help and hop back. "Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't realise- Komekko, you should have told us you brought such refined guests! I'll make some tea."
"Do not forget to charge them for it, oh partner of mine who turns profits to sand!" Vanir snapped.
"Vanir, she's a holy woman of some sort, we can't charge her! Please, I'll be right back, I'll get some cookies to serve too!" with that, Wiz (who Sasaki was certain was indeed a lich) hurried into the back of the shop.
"Oh?" Vanir said, slowly turning as Komekko grinned at both Kyouko and Sasaki. The Crimson Demon's mouth seemed to suddenly sprout more teeth than it had before, and all of them far sharper than they should be.
"Um, Sasaki….maybe we should leave," Kyouko stammered, taking a step backwards.
Sasaki turned to the door, only for it to slam shut, the shutters and blinds around the room falling to block out the light.
"I did warn you that this was the home of the most vile and deadly beings in the universe," Komekko purred, her eyes glowing in the dim light.
"Back off! You try anything, and I'll end you!" Kyouko snarled, her hands suddenly igniting with white flames as she and Sasaki backed away from Vanir and Komekko.
"Oh relax, we're not going to hurt you," Komekko laughed. "I told you, I wanted to make a deal!"
"What art thou? I sense the presence of the foolish goddesses. Hmm, yes, the whiff of the air headed healer who was only as useful as a green herb is about you," Vanir laughed.
Fear gripped Sasaki's heart. "How...how do you know what my father calls my mother?"
"Why, moi was there, at that delightful school, and before, when gods and demons battled for the world," Vanir chuckled, taking another step forward, extending a beckoning hand. "Come, godling and champion. Moi will grant thee whatever thou wishes."
"You want a boring world? We can help you," Komekko agreed, her eyes still burning with passion. "I've been cutting deals since I was knee high to a Beginner's Bane. So what do you say?"
Sasaki rapidly shook her head, rattling the door behind her. "Er, thanks very much but-"
Vanir sighed theatrically, putting a hand to his mask. "Mistress, moi fears these two shall not agree."
"That's OK. Wolbach! HIT IT!" Komekko ordered.
The cat suddenly turned into a busty woman with cat ears on her head, dressed in a dark robe. She snapped her taloned fingers, and a piano appeared, on which she began to play an oddly familiar tune.
The shelves and aisles of snacks and nicknacks seemed to be shoved to the back of the room, as Vanir snapped his fingers, his clothes changing from an apron and shopkeepers uniform to an old style tuxedo, while Komekko spun about, her school uniform vanishing in favor of a large floppy dark witch's hat and black dress.
"I just wanted an ordinary world," Sasaki muttered, and Kyouko nodded frantically.
Vanir grinned. "Thou hast a wish? My dear sweet children; that is what moi does. To help unfortunate mortals."
Komekko nodded eagerly, bowing slightly to Sasaki and Kyouko. "We're people who help people with no one else to turn to come and ask for help!"
Vanir clucked, shaking his head. "Poor unfortunate mortals."
"Wait, hold on, are you-" Kyouko began, but it was too late.
Vanir and Komekko started singing.
We admit that in the past we've been evil
They weren't kidding when they called us Demon Lords
But you'll find that nowadays
We've mended all our ways!
Repented, seen the light, made a switch!
Komekko stepped forward as Vanir circled about her in a formal waltz, crooning her tune.
And I fortunately know a little magic
It's a talent that is burning in my blood
And dear ladies please believe me
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed!
Komekko sighed dramatically, conjuring up images of various people in sparkling lights. She swooned, shaking her head. "Poor mortals."
Vanir spun about, taking Komekko's hands in his own as he took up the song.
Poor unfortunate mortals!
They come in pain, in need!
One seeking a bit more power
Another crying out for love
And does moi aid them?
But of course!
These poor unfortunate mortals!
So sad, yes indeed
They come crawling before moi
Crying, "Aid us, we beseech!"
And moi helps them!
Yes we do
Bowing away, Vanir let Komekko take the lead again as she spread her arms and wailed,
Now again from time to time
Some fool tried to cross the line
And they learned some painful morals
But they really can't complain
They got their wish all the same
Those poor unfortunate mortals!
Vanir and Komekko sprang forward, grinning widely at Sasaki and Kyouko, their eyes glowing red in the dim light as the cat girl continued to play on the piano.
"Have we got a deal?" they purred together.
Which was when the lights came on, the piano let out a discordant note, and there was a shocked and horrified gasp.
"Vanir! Komekko! You are not trying to make some sort of Fausian bargain with our guests are you?" Wiz demanded, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at the two suddenly chagrined singers.
"We were just trying to help, honest!" Komekko said, trying to edge away from Wiz.
"Don't give me that, young lady. I didn't agree to be your general just so you could snooker sweet girls like these two," Wiz huffed, striding over and grabbing both Vanir and Komekko by the ears despite their protests. She smiled sweetly at Sasaki and Kyouko. "Won't you come and take some tea? I'll make sure the others behave."
Blinking, Sasaki and Kyouko could only watch as Wiz hauled her companions away to the back room.
"Did they just...sing a rendition of Poor Unfortunate Souls?" Kyouko asked numbly.
"To think I actually used to like that movie," Sasaki answered faintly. Then she shook herself, considering. "We may want to bargain with them regardless."
"Are you crazy!? That's a villain song! Komekko is clearly some sort of evil witch or something!" Kyouko protested.
"Perhaps. But I need someone to teach me how to use my abilities, at least so I can remake the world properly. And they seem opposed to our own foes. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, after all," Sasaki reasoned.
"Er, OK. I guess it couldn't hurt to just have tea and talk, anyway," Kyouko admitted.
Later, she would kick herself for not remembering Maxim 29:
The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more, no less.