Chapter 28: North High Goes South
Despite the events of the past two days, Aqua had a hard time even looking at Kazuma now that she had him back. He'd slept in the other room, for the first time since they'd come to Japan. For that, Aqua was grateful.
And also very angry. She both wanted him to have snuck into bed with her and had his perverted way with her, as well as for him to keep his distance so that she had time to figure out just what exactly was going on.
Returning to being a girl was relieving, but also troubling. The odd feelings she'd experienced as Aquarius were still there, but different. She just now understood that those weird emotions were her longing for Kazuma, in a way she hadn't before coming to Japan.
Or, had she? She'd experienced lust before of course, just very, very muted and differently. She'd always just dismissed those feelings, because they were what icky mortals did.
Now though...now she didn't want to go back to being that way. It was like she was growing up, like a human did.
And that scared her.
Kazuma was just as moody and standoffish, keeping his distance from Aqua throughout the morning. He made her pancakes for breakfast though, and Aqua gave him a muttered "thanks" which Kazuma accepted with a grunt and a nod.
They didn't even argue on the way to school, simply walking over with Yuki, who was equally taciturn with no one to prompt her to speak. The silence became unbearable once they did arrive, so Aqua grabbed Yuki and hauled her to the bathroom, where she had a good cry while Yuki silently observed.
"I don't understand what's wrong with me!" Aqua sobbed. "I've never loved a mortal! Not even Eris! Not even- it doesn't matter! But now...now I told Kazuma I loved him, and I kissed him! I didn't even do that with the other gods when I was really drunk!"
"You are experiencing runtime errors from becoming increasingly human. You stated you had been with Kazuma for two years?" Yuki queried.
Aqua hiccuped and nodded. "Y-yes, but in Belzerg...I didn't feel this way! N-not as much. I-I liked Kazuma, and he was m-my best bud, and I never wanted to be away from him, but I didn't...I never...now I don't know if I want him to, you know…"
"Yes," Yuki agreed, nodding seriously and passing Aqua a paper towel to blow her nose into.
"But what about my other friends?" Aqua asked, putting her hands on Yuki's shoulders and peering desperately into Yuki's eyes. "What about Megumin? Or Darkness? They liked Kazuma too! I think...I think they...you know. Had sex. I-I tease Kazuma, but I didn't care before! N-now…."
"I previously did not understand the hormonal responses in my body," Yuki responded. "You are biologically human. According to my scans, you should experience the hormones that drive human mating responses."
"But I didn't like chess, and I still don't. I don't get how the horsey moves," Aqua said in exasperation.
Yuki blinked at this, apparently taking several moments to calculate what Aqua's response had actually meant. Finally, she clarified, "I was referring to a sex drive. Not games of chess."
"Yes! Sex! You can't have sex in heaven, it's against the Rulez! There's an entire section on No Boinking!" Aqua said desperately.
"What are the consequences?" Yuki asked.
Aqua cringed, looking away and dropping her hands to her sides. "Banishment."
"I see. This disturbs you?"
"No." Aqua hugged herself, squatting down on the bathroom floor. "I...I think...even if Kazuma and I just did it once, and I got banished...I would be OK with that. Even if he still loved Megumin, and we were just friends after...I'd want him to. So...so I could stay with him, and Megumin, and Darkness, and...and you too, Yuki. I don't...I won't go back to heaven. I like...I like it here. With Kazuma, and all my friends."
YOU MUST CHOOSE.
The voice of the Chief Goddess thundered, and Aqua sprang up in panic. "Haruhi?!"
"Haruhi Suzumiya is not present." Yuki shifted slightly, her eyes scanning the room. "An anomalous data signature was detected. Were you interfacing with another entity?"
"Um, I think it was the Chief. She said I had to choose?" Aqua scratched her head. Why did people keep telling her she had to choose? Choose what? Right now, Aqua wanted to choose chocolate, and Pride And Prejudice, preferably with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. That sounded exciting and relaxing for some reason.
Yuki nodded at this, seeming to accept that Haruhi was now telepathic and communicating with Aqua. "Regardless, school is about to begin. You must-"
Yuki's head snapped around, suddenly, her eyes going wide.
"What? What's the matter?" Aqua asked, peering around the classroom.
"Accompany me," Yuki snapped, and strode out of the bathroom. "We may be entering a combat situation. Ready yourself."
"What!? We should get Kazuma! He knows how to fight!" Aqua babbled, but hurried to keep up with Yuki as they made their way amongst students hurrying towards their classes. Just before the bell rang, Yuki grabbed Aqua and dragged her into class 2-A. Which was odd, as Aqua was in Class 1-B. The other students all looked up, surprised to see two students who weren't from their class present.
"Oh, hello, Nagato!" a chipper voice said, which made Aqua let out a squeak and try to hide behind the much smaller Yuki.
"Nagato? What are you and that freshman doing here? You're in 2-C, did you get lost?" the teacher asked, sounding mildly confused.
Aqua glanced around the room, and found a very angry Haruhi standing up, with Kyon trying to hold her back. Kyon looked rather pale, and was unconsciously clutching his side.
"You do not belong here," Yuki stated, stepping forward to glare up at the blue haired girl that Aqua had last seen in the other world. There was real hostility in Yuki's gaze, her normal tranquility gone.
"Why, I've just returned from Canada," Ryouko Asakura tittered. "I was so glad to hear I'd be put in the same class as my old friends! Don't tell me you're in this class too, Nagato."
Nagato's eyes flicked around the room, then settled on the teacher. She muttered something under her breath that Aqua recognized as a spell. Then Nagato nodded to the teacher. "You will find the roster has been updated. I am now in Class 2-A."
"What? I wasn't told about- oh." The teacher did a double take at the class roster, squinting at it. "...could have sworn you weren't here before. But, now I don't have enough room to-"
"Gonbei Nanashi has transferred to Class 2-C," Yuki said, not taking her eyes away from Asakura, who was still smiling sweetly at her. "I will be taking his seat."
"Huh? I wasn't told about that!" the boy sitting in front of Kyon protested.
The teacher scanned his roster again, scratching at his head. "Well, you're not here anymore. Er, I'll have to call admin to straighten this out."
"Oh, hello there, have we been introduced?" Ryouko said, looking up over Yuki to look at Aqua. "I don't recognize you, are you a freshman?"
"I was a man, but now I'm a woman again," Aqua answered, still not certain what was going on. "Are you still the evil nurse?"
"Why, what an odd thing to say! Nagato does meet the most interesting people," Asakura laughed.
"Yuki, is there going to be a fight?" Aqua whispered. "I can try to make the phone thingie talk to Kazuma and make him come."
"I will handle this," Nagato stated. "Please stand by. If there is a disturbance, aid the bystanders and evacuate priority targets."
"Um, yes," Aqua agreed, even though she only had a faint idea of what that meant. But she wasn't going to let this crazy nurse lady hurt Kyon or Haruhi. They were buddies!
Before the situation could devolve further, the door opened. The teacher turned, lowering the phone, then gasped and suddenly straightened. "Ma'am! What is-"
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident, Mr. Hara. You're required at the office," the new woman said, adjusting her glasses. "I will be substituting for you."
"I...Yes ma'am," the teacher hastily agreed, then hurried out of the room.
"What is the situation, Nagato?" the new woman said quietly.
"Ryouko Asakura has reappeared. As such, I will be joining this class to protect Kyon and Haruhi Suzumiya," Nagato stated.
The woman nodded. "Very well. Nanashi, you're reassigned to class 2-C."
"Er, OK?" the poor boy left, and Nagato sat down with Kyon, who seemed calmer. Haruhi muttered something under her breath, then took a seat herself.
"Thank you, Ms. Mizu. I will write you a pass," the new teacher stated.
"Um, OK. Who are you?" Aqua asked, feeling utterly lost.
"You may refer to me as Ms. Mori. We'll talk later," the woman stated, handing Aqua a slip.
Aqua took the slip, but looked to Yuki before she left. The other girl gave her a nod, and Aqua turned to go.
"Goodbye! I'm sure I'll be seeing more of you and Kazuma later! I do so like to finish what I started," Ryouko giggled.
Aqua froze, slowly turning around. Something was burning inside of her chest, a rage she had previously reserved only for the vilest of demons or undead.
"If you ever so much as touch Kazuma again, I will personally see to it that you are dragged to the deepest, darkest pits of hell, and locked there for all eternity," Aqua hissed.
"And I will assist her," Yuki stated, causing the entire glass to gasp and jerk away.
Aqua backed away from Ryouko, making an "got my eye on you" gesture, then turned and dashed down the hall to her own class.
"Ah, Miss Mizu, about time you joined us," their teacher said, glaring at Aqua when she slammed the door open and stood in the doorway, panting and fighting back tears.
"Do you-"
"I have a pass!" Aqua said, waving the paper and giving it to the teacher. She looked desperately for Kazuma, and breathed a sigh of relief when she found him sitting up, suddenly alert.
Aqua hurried over, whispering, "Kazuma, Kazuma!"
"That's my name. Don't give me a heart attack, woman," Kazuma grumbled.
"That crazy nurse who stabbed the girl-you is here! And Yuki's acting really weird, I don't know what to do!" Aqua hissed.
Kazuma frowned, then got out his phone even as the teacher continued to talk. She faltered at seeing the device, clearing her throat loudly. "Mr. Sato, I will remind you that cellular devices are-"
"Yeah, yeah, hold on. Won't be a minute."
"Mr. Sato! This is my classroom and-"
Kazuma's phone buzzed, and he raised an eyebrow, then pocketed it. "Sorry, teach. You can go ahead with the lecture now."
"I...well I will! Now, today, we will be working on-"
Aqua lost focus almost immediately, glancing behind her at Kazuma, who seemed as disinterested as usual. She ducked her head, trying to think. Something was happening, but she didn't know what. Kazuma seemed to though, and she just had to trust him. He was her bestest buddy, after all.
Before long, Aqua was daydreaming, paying no heed to the teacher whatsoever. She found herself wondering about Rista for some reason. She'd been exiled from heaven not long before Aqua had met Kazuma. She'd been a mortal lover. Aqua had desperately tried to talk to her friend before the trial, but Rista had just told Aqua, "I made my Choice. I don't regret it, Aqua."
Her hair had already changed then, drained of its divine luster. She'd already been made mortal. Aqua had been heartbroken at the time, but Rista had seemed content. She'd only said that she loved her Champion, and that she had given up her divinity.
Aqua imagined herself giving the same thing up to Kazuma. She imagined them not in their apartment, but back in Belzerg, in that haystack they'd spent so many nights together on. Drawing closer together in the cold, putting their arms around one another, then-
YOU MUST CHOOSE.
"I don't understand!" Aqua wailed, jerking upright as the voice roared in her ears. She blinked, looking around as the disappointed Science teacher frowned at her.
"What's not to understand? The chemical reaction is all right here. Honestly, Mizu, you look like you were daydreaming. Try to pay attention, and don't interrupt me again."
Aqua shrank in on herself in embarrassment, but thankfully no one laughed at her, even the teacher flushing and turning back around. She didn't realize that Kazuma had given everyone enough of a death glare that even a Beginner's Bane would have slunk away with it's tails between its legs.
"Well, I don't get it either. Maybe you should go over the oxidation reaction again," Kazuma growled.
"Er, yes, perhaps," the teacher agreed, hurriedly going over the formula again.
Lunch came eventually, and Aqua grabbed Kazuma before he could get out their lunches. "We need to go check on the others, come on!"
"What if I don't care about them. Not like we're going to stick around with those losers," Kazuma grumbled.
"Don't say that. They're our friends! Especially Yuki, she eats with us and plays games!" Aqua argued as she dragged Kazuma along.
"Even that bastard Koizumi?" Kazuma snickered.
Aqua hesitated, then shrugged. "Ok, maybe not him. But you should try to be nice anyway because everyone else is his friend."
"I somehow doubt that," Kazuma sighed, but didn't argue further.
Arriving at the clubroom, Aqua threw open the door. Inside, she found Haruhi, Yuki, and Kyon waiting already.
"Ok, why is the scary Nurse here? And why do you keep telling me to make a choice?" Aqua demanded.
"What choice?" Kyon asked, sounding irritated.
"The Data Overmind has recovered Ryouko Asakura, HN-0001's data and dispatched her to this location," Yuki replied. "She is a high level threat."
"Ok, but I was talking to Haruhi," Aqua said. "What choice?"
"Between Hell and High Water it feels like," Haruhi grumbled. "Get in here and close the door. Where's MIkuru and Koizumi? We need an all hands on deck meeting!"
"Why? I'll just knife that bitch after school and be done with it," Kazuma said with a shrug, leaning up against the wall.
"That is not possible," Yuki stated.
"Yeah? I beat one humanoid interface, I can beat another," Kazuma argued.
"You did not defeat the Sky Canopy Dominion. It was confused, and attempted to download the data attacks you used. If it had attacked you, you would no longer exist, as you would have been erased down to the sub-atomic level," Yuki replied.
Kazuma looked skeptical, but Kyon sighed and nodded. "Frankly, you got lucky, Kazuma. You're good, but Asakura? She's on another level."
"I am not at full combat capacity currently. I will need to increase my data manipulation potential to oppose Ryouko Asakura, " Yuki added.
"Well, I'd help you if I could, but I have no idea how to do that," Haruhi muttered. "Stupid useless powers."
"Well I can show you how to grant Blessings to your followers," Aqua said, brightening immediately. This was something she was actually good at.
"Really? Can I learn like, learn super martial arts too or something?" Haruhi demanded eagerly.
"She's not that kind of goddess," Kazuma sighed, shaking his head as Aqua wilted. "You're going to have to figure out how to do the martial arts stuff, but Aqua can teach you about Goddess 101."
"I'm, um, I'm more of a Water deity," Aqua explained. "Water domain spells include healing, protection, purification, art, and rebirth. I can smite demons and undead and stuff but I'm not very good at fighting. I needed my friends' help for that…"
"You're just specialized," Kazuma said with a shrug, but Aqua beamed at him happily. For some reason, he blushed and looked away, but Aqua didn't care. At least her NEET recognized her greatness.
"Well, I guess anything can help. How do you grant blessings?" Haruhi asked.
"Er, I can't really explain it, but I could show you if Mikuru were here," Aqua said. She looked behind her, reaching out to see where Mikuru was. "Oh! She's nearly-"
The door slammed open with a crash that sent Kazuma to his feet and made even Yuki drop into a fighting stance out of sheer reflex.
"HELLO~!" Tsuruya called, striding into the room. "Hey, Haruhi, I'm totally a part of the SOS Brigade now, right?!"
"Er, sure?" Haruhi managed, slowly setting down the chair she'd picked up as an improvised weapon.
"Megas! I told you it would work, Mikuru!" Tsuruya laughed.
"Um, well, I think you could have joined before, you just never asked," Mikuru said timidly, peering inside.
"Oh, and we have a surprise for you all! Guess what it is!?" Tsuruya teased.
"A way out of this mess," Kyon muttered.
"Oooo, broad, and vague, but maybe right! Come on, let's hear another guess!" Tsuruya cackled.
"W-we found someone w-who can help us, um, a new teacher," Mikuru said hesitantly, beckoning someone in the hall forward.
"What, you mean Ms. Mori? Is she an esper like Koizumi?" Haruhi asked.
"Huh? What, that boring old stick in the mud? No way, this chick is dynamite I tell you!" Tsuruya declared. She grabbed whoever had been coming forward and thrust them into the room with a "Ta-da!"
"H-hello," the woman stammered, but Aqua was already jumping forward.
"DARKNESS!" she wailed, throwing her arms about one of her dearest friends and sticking her face somewhere highly inappropriate. "I missed you so much! What are you doing here!?" Sudden fear gripped Aqua, and she jerked away, forcing a smile on her face even as tears trickled down her cheeks. "W-what about Megumin? Um, is she…?"
"You haven't aged a day," Darkness said softly, reaching up to gently brush away some of Aqua's tears.
"Well, no, it's only been like a month," Aqua hiccuped. She frowned at Darkness, who had silent tears leaking down her own cheeks. Something was different about her friend. There were scars on Darkness's face, something Aqua would never have allowed when she was the party healer. Sure, mortal healers might leave scars, but Aqua made sure to heal everything just the way it had been. She also looked tired, and much older than she had before, with her hair tied up in a neat bun on the back of her head instead of in a long ponytail.
"Is that really you?" Kazuma asked suspiciously, coming forward.
Aqua jerked away, suddenly afraid. "T-this is Darkness, isn't it?"
"I am the same crusader you once knew, yes," Darkness agreed, smiling and wiping at her own eyes. "I did not think…"
"Something's off," Kazuma growled, hand going to his side where Aqua knew he kept a variety of odd things he used as weapons. "You're just a bit different from the Darkness I knew."
"Well, yes. I must say, it is strange to see that neither of you have aged. A month? But that is not-"
"Lalatina," Kazuma barked, and Darkness immediately recoiled.
"Y-you vile man! I-I will have you know I had my name legally changed when I became Duchess Dustiness to Darkness Ford-Dustiness. And in this world, I am simply Tina Ford! Oh, the humiliation, to meet new people have have my most embarrassing secrets dragged before them to-"
"Yeah OK, you're Darkness," Kazuma admitted. "Just one question. What the hell are you doing here?! We were trying to get back to Belzerg! Why'd you have to go and ruin our plans like that!?"
"I-" Darkness swallowed, then glanced at Mikuru and Tsuruya. "I believe introductions are in order."
"I knew she was super interesting! No way Dad would have helped her get this job otherwise!" Tsuruya laughed. She stuck out a hand to Darkness. "Hiya! I'm Tsuruya Natsuki, and I'm a half demon! I like kicking ass, taking names, and riding my pony Fistandantilus!"
"Demon!" Aqua roared, her fist suddenly crackling with power as she sprang forward. She'd been so worked up she hadn't even noticed the faint whiff of evil in the air. She had just about managed to clobber Tsuruya when Darkness snagged Aqua by her coller and jerked her back firmly.
"Aqua, Tsuruya is one of my students. I would take it as a personal favor if you refrained from attempting to do her any harm."
"Plus, she did help rescue you," Kazuma pointed out, folding his arms over his chest. "Show a little gratitude."
"Uppity kami, think they're better than everyone," Tsuruya grumbled, glaring at Aqua angrily.
"Oh. Um, sorry. I just...well demons are usually bad, you know?" Aqua managed.
"That isn't helping," Darkness sighed. Though she did eye Tsuruya suspiciously. "We shall endeavor to train you properly. Demonic urges can be...dangerous."
"That's what everyone keeps telling me, but I managed not to kill anyone for 17 years!" Tsuruya exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "And those jerks totally deserved it; they kidnapped Nagato and Mizu!"
"Just think of her like Wiz. She was a lich, but she wasn't evil, right?" Kazuma prompted.
"Still a smelly lich," Aqua grumbled, then brightened. "Oh! Sorry, this is Yuki!" Aqua jumped over to put her arm around Yuki and push her forward. "She's an alien wizard, and one of my new buddies!"
"Hello," Yuki said, blinking once.
"A pleasure, Ms. Yuki," Darkness said, dipping her head slightly. "And the others?"
"That's Kyon, he's just a normal dude. The pain in the ass Princess over there is Haruhi Suzumiya, the resident Useless Goddess of this world," Kazuma said with a jerk of his head.
Upon hearing the last name, Darkness immediately strode over to Haruhi, who looked up at the taller woman with no small amount of consternation.
"So, you from another world too?" Haruhi managed, looking rather interested at the concept.
"Yes." Darkness sank to one knee, grimacing slightly. "I lack my sword, but I shall say the words nonetheless."
"Words? What are you-" Haruhi asked, but Darkness reached up and placed her hands in Haruhi's.
"I, Darkness Ford-Dustiness, Duchess of House Dustiness, Crusader of Eris and Sworn Shield of Her Grace Queen Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, do hereby pledge my life and loyalty to Haruhi Suzumiya in the name of Eris, Goddess of Fortune. Let my life be her shield, my arm be her sword, and my lands and titles do her fealty."
Haruhi could only google in shock down at Darkness, while even Yuki was blinking in evident surprise.
"Well, now you've done it," Kyon sighed. "You're actually going to make Haruhi think she's an actual princess."
"Darkness, what is this?!" Kazuma demanded, but Aqua went over to stand by Haruhi.
"You're supposed to say the words," she hissed into Haruhi's ear.
"Words? What words?" Haruhi repeated, looking completely lost.
Aqua didn't exactly know the words of knightly fealty either, but she could improvise. "Just say, I accept your oaths, and will try to be worthy of them."
"Um, I accept your oaths, and pledge to be worthy of your honor," Haruhi said.
Darkness, nodded, rising back to her feet. "I have been sent to protect you, by the Goddess Eris. And, to ensure that Belzerg's goddess is restored to her rightful place.
Everyone's eyes turned to Aqua, and she went bright red. "Oh. Um, I guess...maybe I've been gone for too long…"
"Yes, you have. You both have," Darkness agreed. "I do not understand what is happening, but in the last decade, Belzerg has-"
"Wait, wait, wait," Kazuma interrupted. "Decade!? What do you mean, decade?"
Darkness hesitated, then said, "Kazuma, Aqua...it has been ten years since the defeat of the Devil King Yasaka Kyouichi. We thought you were dead."
Aqua barely had time to cry out as Kazuma hit the floor in a dead faint.