"Darkness! Hey Darkness, wait up!"

Aqua dashed down the steps, to where her old friend was hauling a bag of PE equipment back towards the gym.

"Ah, yes, what do you need, Miss Mizu?" Darkness asked, smoothing back some of her hair. She was sweat stained and a bit rumpled after dashing about the field all morning with her students. "And please, call me Ms. Ford at school."

"Why? I could just call you Lalatina," Aqua taunted.

"N-not that!" Darkness protested. She sighed and jerked her head towards the gym. "Eris did insist I go by Tina Ford. She said it was an Earthican name."

"I'm pretty sure it's Earthling. Eris never did have much to do with Japan, she was just in Belzerg," Aqua said, picking up one of the bags of equipment and hoisting it over her shoulder.

Darkness just grunted, leading Aqua back to the gym. They chatted about not much as they put away the gear, then Darkness took Aqua to her office, set at the back of the building.

"Wow, it's so neat," Aqua observed, looking around the tidy space. There were clipboards with class rosters tacked to the wall in a line, with various check marks and comments to show student grades, as well as stacks of various paperwork on the desk in trays that were sorted by urgency. "Do you like being a teacher?"

"You know I helped run the school in Axel for the local children," Darkness said, pulling out a chair. "This is not so different. Although I do not understand how this infernal device operates. I have yet to understand what this 'email' is either."

Aqua eyed the computer, which had a few sticky notes on it as well as a dent in the casing that was approximately the same size as Darkness' fist. "Well, you can use it to play games. I like the Sims."

"Mmm, that does not sound appealing. I prefer training to games. Unless you wish to play a game of shogi or Wizard Chess."

"Ugh, no thanks, you and Megumin would always beat me," Aqua huffed, sitting down. She fidgeted nervously, glancing around the office.

"Aqua, what is it you wished to talk about?" Darkness asked, sitting up and leaning forward to take Aqua's hands in her own.

Swallowing, Aqua furtively tried to meet Darkness' gaze. "How...how are things...without me? I mean...how is Belzerg...my followers?"

"Ah." Darkness let go of Aqua's hands and rubbed at her temple, grimacing. "I am...limited in what I can say. Things are...not ideal. Your cult is...devoted as ever."

"Why can't you say more? I can just break the curse if I have to," Aqua snapped, reaching forward.

"No, don't! Eris said it could-"

Ignoring her friend, Aqua seized Darkness' hand again and cried, "Sacred Purification!"

There was a sensation of something popping, as if a great deal of air pressure was released suddenly, and Aqua jerked away as though she'd just been shocked. Darkness let out a throaty moan, shuddering slightly.

"Ow! Eris, that hurt!" Aqua sniffled, sitting back up and glaring in the general direction of the ceiling. "She's supposed to be my junior! How dare she put a binding on you that- wait."

Aqua stood up, coming back over to Darkness and taking her hand again. "That wasn't Eris at all! That was the Chief!"

"Um, well, I'm not supposed to tell you about that, I-" Darkness began, but Aqua ignored her and bowled right on.

"Hey Chief! What's the deal with locking me away in the past with Kazuma!? Are...are you trying to make me fall in love with him!? Because it's not going to work, I'll never fall for a mortal especially a stupid NEET like Kazutrash!" Aqua ranted, poking Darkness in her overly generous bust.

YOU MUST CHOOSE.

"I don't want to choose!" Aqua wailed, grabbing Darkness by the shoulders and violently shaking the other woman. "I want to be with Kazuma forever, and to be with all my friends forever too! I don't WANT to have to watch them die like all the other mortals do, I want you to all live with me in heaven forever like Eris so we can keep having fun and adventures because heaven is SUPER BORING! All there is to do is goof off in my room! You can only make so much art and watch so much TV before you want to do something new!"

Panting, Aqua started sniffling again, before letting go of Darkness and sinking down onto her haunches to blubber uncontrollably, rocking back and forth. After a moment, Darkness knelt beside her and put her arms around the blue blob.

"Is that really what you wish? To return to heaven?" Darkness asked gently.

"Yes. No. I don't know. Only if Kazuma can be there," Aqua muttered. After a moment, she added, "And my other friends too. You, and Haruhi, and Megumin, and Mikuru, and Eris, and Yuki, and Yunyun, and-"

"Aqua, we live in different worlds. We cannot all be there," Darkness said gently, wiping away Aqua's tears with a tissue.

"You can if I make you all gods! We just have to start cults for all of you!. Haruhi already has one so it won't be that hard for the rest of you," Aqua explained.

"That is...an interesting plan. But I don't wish to be a god, Aqua. As much as I care for you and Kazuma, I care for my own family and my own home more. And, well, I still serve Eris."

"Even if she pads her chest?" Aqua grumbled.

Darkness blushed and looked away. "That is...look, Aqua, as much as I am flattered by your offer, that is not the sort of attention I would enjoy. I don't wish to be a goddess. I simply wish to return home."

"I want to go back to Belzerg and see Megumin too," Aqua admitted. She suddenly brightened. "Hey, I know! What if we take Haruhi and the others to Belzerg! That would be fun, and I wouldn't have to leave anyone!"

"Well, I think at least Kyon would miss his parents, but it might be a good idea to convince others to come," Darkness said slowly.

"What about Haruhi? She would miss her parents too, wouldn't she?" Aqua said, deflating slightly.

"Well, I can't, ohhhhh!" Darkness groaned, shuddering in pain and gasping.

"Ah, Darkness are you-" Aqua began, but then paused, as Darkness was panting and grinning.

"Hurts...not...supposed to...Haruhi...parents...not...miss...if you…" Darkness made several noises that caused Aqua to blush.

"Um, do you...maybe I should go…"

"No, no, don't go," Darkness panted. She grinned widely. "It seems you weakened the hold of the geass I was under. It is very painful to try to speak of it."

"Well, I wouldn't want to hurt you. Except, you know…" Aqua flushed and looked down.

"This IS the kind of pain I enjoy!" Darkness assured Aqua. "And I haven't seen my husband in far too long! Even dying was not enough to satisfy me."

"Er, if you're sure. But, you were saying something about Haruhi's parents?" Aqua said, leaning away from her very excited friend.

"Yes! Haruhi is-" The pain seemed to be so great this time that Darkness collapsed to the floor, twitching. Aqua hovered over her, but there was no physical wound for her to heal.

"Clipboard," Darkness panted, pointing to the wall. "Has...student...contact...ooooo!"

Aqua hastily took the clipboard off the wall, which had students listed with emergency contact information. She flipped through until she found Haruhi. "Hmm, it says Thalia Suzumiya is her mother, and her father is Kazuma Suzumiya. Hey, Haruhi's dad is named Kazuma! Wouldn't it be funny if he was some sort of future version of Kazuma?"

Darkness wailed and arched her back, shuddering as her body spasmed and she tried to answer.

"Darkness!" Aqua held up the clipboard, trying to hide behind it as what Darkness was doing was incredibly indecent.

"Have to...return...goddess...Belzerg," Darkness gasped, getting to her legs despite their trembling. She pointed at the clipboard. "Have...have to go...to…"

It was then that Aqua had a brilliant (by her standards) idea. "Hey! We should ask Haruhi's parents if she can come with us to Belzerg! That way, she and I could trade off! She spends some time as a goddess and I hang out with Kazuma, and then I can be the goddess and she can be with her friends! It's a win-win for both of us!"

"I, um, I am supposed to discourage any meeting between you and Haruhi's parents," Darkness said, shuddering slightly with delight as more pain wracked her body.

"Well, if the Chief is the one who said I shouldn't meet them…" Aqua considered this, then planted her hands on her hips. "Then I definitely should because the Chief is a great big meanie! You should have seen what she did to Tanya! Even if Tanya was rude and called her 'Being X' that totally doesn't justify how much of a jerk she was."

"Yes! Yes you should-" Darkness muffled a scream, sticking her fist into her mouth, her eyes rolling wildly.

"Um, yeah. But I don't know where she lives…"

"Number...on...clipboard...use...magic...device…"

"Magic device? What are you talking about?" Aqua demanded.

Darkness pointed to the phone on her desk.

"That's not magic, it's a phone." Aqua considered the numbers on the clipboard. "Um, I think I know how to do this."

After several minutes of attempts to dial the number, Darkness finally remembered she had been told to dial 1 first for outgoing calls, and after she nearly passed out in agony and ecstasy, Aqua was able to get a call through.

"Hello?" a woman's voice said as the Suzumiya's phone picked up. "Darkness, is that you? Is something the matter with Haruhi?"

"No...need...need to talk…" Darkness groaned again with pain, and Aqua let out a yip of panic as Darkness collapsed again.

"What!? Are you still at the school!? Oh no, your geass must be acting up! I'll be right over, I don't have much in the way of magic left but I'll do what I can and take you to Tiana if you still need help!"

There was a click, and Aqua jerked up. "Wait! I wanted to ask about taking your daughter on, um, a trip!"

Darkness started to giggle uncontrollably at that, and combined with her spasms of lingering pain had Aqua into a conniption. She was just about to send Kazuma a message that she really needed him right now, when the door banged open.

"I came as fast as I could, are you- ME?!"

"No, I'm Aqua, and this is Darkness. She's, um, she's going to be OK I think. Who are you?" Aqua asked, looking up at the newcomer.

The woman in question was somewhere in the vague age of healthy adulthood, just past the vigor of youth but not yet descending into middle age and towards decrepitude. She had long blonde hair pulled into a loose ponytail at the top of her head, and her clothes were simple and stained with paint. Her eyes were a clear, piercing blue, and somehow familiar despite the fact that Aqua was certain she had never seen this woman before.

"No, wait, I'm not supposed to be here!" the stranger babbled, backing towards the door but bumping into the doorframe. "I'm not supposed to meet you! It could cause a paradox!"

"There's a parrot ox? I thought those were only native to Oz," Aqua said, looking around in confusion.

"Well, yes, but you can still have a paradox even if it won't create a parrot ox. It's much harder to tell without them showing up though," the newcomer explained.

Aqua made a face. "Well I don't need one of those either way, they're really annoying. Wait, are you Haruhi's mom? I needed to talk to you."

"Er…." the stranger looked at Darkness, who was struggling to her feet.

"Yes, she is. You should….talk...to her...I…" Darkness blinked, then frowned. "It doesn't hurt any more. Why is the pain gone? I was just starting to enjoy myself."

"Yeah, how come I'm not feeling weird about meeting me?" Ms. Suzumiya asked.

"What do you mean?" Aqua asked. "Why would you feel weird? You don't even know who I am."

"Well of course I know who you are, you just don't know who I am," Ms. Suzumiya explained.

"No, I do, you're Haruhi's mom. I wanted to ask if she could come on a trip with me. To, um...Darkness, what's another country on Earth?"

"The United States of Antarticia," Darkness supplied.

"No, that's a continent. You mean the United States of America, that's where we're supposed to be from," Ms. Suzumiya told Darkness. Then she turned to Aqua. "But I wouldn't mind going on a trip with Haruhi. It would be good for her to see where her father and I met."

"You, um, can't come. It's, er….students only?" Aqua managed.

"Well, if you go, then I should remember it, so obviously you can't go either," Ms. Suzumiya said with a shrug. "And of courseObviously, you can't stay here. If Haruhi has figured it out and we can finally talk then you have to know what you need to do."

"Yes, I need to get Haruhi to help me out so that I can spend more time with Kazuma," Aqua said firmly, smacking her fist into her hand.

"Wait, are you pregnant already!? Ooooo, I'm going to kill Kazuma!" Ms. Suzumiya raged, then sighed. "Well, not literally, because if I did that would cause another paradox."

For her part, Aqua had gone bright red and it felt as though her heart was beating out of her chest. At last she found her voice and gasped. "I'm not pregnant! Goddesses can't GET pregnant, it's against the rules! And...and...and Kazuma is a virgin NEET anyway! And what does that have to do with anything?!"

Darkness was looking back and forth between the two women, and finally sighed. "Thalia, she doesn't know."

"Really? Then how come you called me?" Ms. Suzumiya asked in confusion.

Darkness blushed and looked away, the toe of her shoe tracing lines on the floor.

"Ugh, you're such a pervert, Darkness. Why you follow Eris, I'll never know," Aqua sighed with a shake of her head.

Ms. Suzumiya leaned in close. "I know, right? And she never believed I was a goddess until after I was gone! Even after all those times I brought back Kazuma."

"I know, it's so frustrating! You would think my closest friends would worship me, but they never do," Aqua agreed.

"Life just isn't fair sometimes," Ms. Suzumiya sighed.

"Say, you're really familiar, have we met?" Aqua asked, frowning at the other woman.

Darkness groaned and put her head in her hands. "This is not the sort of pain I enjoy."

"Oh, I have some Tylenol," Ms. Suzumiya said, digging in her purse and pulling out a small bottle. "But yes, of course we have met before."

"Really? When? I don't remember meeting Haruhi's mom before."

"Well, I'm actually Agent A," Ms. Suzumiya explained as she passed Darkness some pills. "Plus, you know, I met me before when I was you, but now we're meeting when you're then and I'm now."

"But Agent A is a boy, and you're a girl. Only girls can be mommies. At least, I'm pretty sure. Darkness, can only-"

"Yes, Aqua. She's a woman, just like you," Darkness sighed. She eyed the pills in her hand suspiciously. "Will these make listening to you...two...natter on more bearable?"

"Pfff, she's not like me, I'm a goddess! She's just a mortal," Aqua said, preening in her typical vain manner. Then she frowned. "But wait, if you're a mortal, how'd you have a daughter who's a goddess?"

"That's…" Ms. Suzumiya swallowed. "I...made my choice. Just like you will."

"People keep going on about choices, but it doesn't make any sense!" Aqua wailed, throwing her hands up in the air. "I chose to stand up for Kazuma, because he's my Bestest Bud, but he's the jerk who dragged me to Belzerg in the first place!"

"I know, I remember when I did it. I didn't understand then what I was getting into when I was you, but you'll figure it out soon just like I did," Ms. Suzumiya promised.

"Will everyone please just talk sense for once! None of this makes any-" Aqua began, but Darkness tossed the pills in the trash can, and put both Ms. Suzumiya and Aqua in a headlock. Absently, Aqua noticed that she and the other woman were of identical heights.

"Right. This sort of humiliation is not at all pleasurable.. This is just silly. Aqua. This is Thalia Suzumiya. Say hello."

Aqua let out something muffled around Darkness's smothering hand, as did Thalia, and the two quickly shook hands.

"Aqua, Thalia is a version of you from the future. She is you, or what you will become. Through a series of events I do not understand, you-"

Darkness let out a gasp of delight and let go as Aqua's teeth sank into her hand.

"HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT I'M THIS MORTAL!?" Aqua wailed, backing away. "I...I'm not a mortal, I'm a goddess! And how is she really the Chief's mom anyway?!"

"Um, that's because...it's sort of my fault," Ms. Suzumiya admitted. "Or, it will be your fault. Something like that."

"This doesn't make any sense at all!" Aqua wailed. "Why would I even become mortal!? Unless it was Kazuma's fault. That jerk would make me mortal. Even if I do want to kiss him, and have him hold me, and then...and then…"

"And then you would be mortal," Ms. Suzumiya finished with a nod. "But that part comes after. It was the only way to save creation from being destroyed."

"Destroyed?! How! That doesn't make any sense at all," Aqua argued. "How could creation-"

"This is a conversation I am not having sober," Darkness interrupted. "Come on. We're going to the corner store, and then to Aqua's apartment to actually figure this out."

At the mention of alcohol, both Aqua and Thalia brightened considerably. "Can we get some bubbly?, Iit's my favorite!" they chorused.

Darkness let out a heavy sigh. "Whatever will keep me from having to consider the consequences of all this."