While Haruhi expected a great many things when she fell into a giant hole in the sky, she supposed the lamest possible answer would be that she'd just eventually come down from the sky and turn into a pancake when she landed. A part of her was deeply disappointed that she turned out to be exactly right in this prediction.
The rest of her was screaming in terror as she plunged down out of the clear blue sky and onto a grassy plain near a city below her. She didn't really register that it wasn't her hometown, so much as she registered that she was falling very fast, had experienced an absolutely dreadful day, and seemed to be about to die. Again.
"Haruhi! Take my hand!"
She turned to see Kyon, who was stretching his own hand out to her, instead of flailing about wildly and screaming himself hoarse like Haruhi was. She resented that, just a little, but she slapped her hand into his and gripped it tight. Then she turned to her left, where Mikuru was doing, well, exactly what Haruhi had been.
"Mikuru! Stop screaming! It's OK!" Haruhi lied.
Thankfully, Mikuru heard her, and reached out to grab onto Haruhi, a look of trust and hope in her eyes.
She's just so adorable. Maybe I really do love her, popped into Haruhi's head.
If she survived this, she was getting laid immediately. She'd almost died way too much recently.
"So, what's the plan?" Haruhi shouted over the whipping wind. "Yuki, can you do anything?"
"Data manipulation modules offline," Yuki replied. "Standby for reset."
Super. That meant Yuki could do absolutely nothing. Well, at least they'd die holding hands. Unless…could she make something happen? Not that Haruhi had the slightest clue how her powers really worked, but if she could just-
"Oh good, you all stopped screaming."
Haruhi looked up to see Kazuma above her, falling with Aqua clinging to his chest as tears streamed out of her eyes.
"It's OK, honey, mommy and daddy are here!" Aqua babbled. "We'll-"
"You are so not my real mom," Haruhi snarled. "So unless you have a parachute shoved up your skirt, come up with something useful!"
"Maybe if you ask nicely, I will. Otherwise, I'll just save Aqua and let her resurrect-" Kazuma grunted as Aqua punched him in the short ribs. "Fine! I was going to save them anyway! And don't you DARE tell me she's my daughter! No having kids until AFTER I've been laid!"
Kazuma drifted down, grabbing onto Kyon's leg. "Watch and learn, my young apprentice. Feather Fall!"
As Kazuma cast his spell on the rest of the group, their fall began to slow, until they were all gently drifting down, blowing in the breeze as they hovered over the town below them.
"Huh. Guess I'm not dying today," Haruhi mused. She let go of Kyon's hand, and wrapped herself around Mikuru, who clung to Haruhi in a death grip. Though since Mikuru seemed to have the muscle tone of a small child, it didn't really hurt so much as feel very comforting.
On a whim, Haruhi turned Mikuru's head towards hers, then kissed her very firmly on the lips. To her surprise, after only a moment, Mikuru kissed her back, even pushing her tongue into Haruhi's mouth, which was gross at first and then very very interesting.
"Sorry about earlier," Haruhi managed, gasping after less than a minute of kissing. "You know, the whole kidnapping thing."
"It's OK. We survived. And…sorry about, um…my brother…" Mikuru said.
"You know what, we can figure that out later. Right now? Right now I think I want to french you again, then find somewhere private to have some real fun," Haruhi told Mikuru.
That made the other girl blush, but her response was another kiss, so it couldn't be all bad.
"Are you all very done yet?" Kazuma asked after a few minutes, which made Haruhi look up at him with a death glare.
Aqua was floating along beside him, looking rather annoyed. Since Yuki and Kyon were separating from their own session of tongue hockey, Haruhi figured that Aqua probably felt left out.
"You know, there's a cute girl right there, 'dad'. Maybe you and 'mom' should hurry it up so I can be born instead of interrupting me and my girlfriend," Haruhi said, snuggling closer to the embarrassed Mikuru and glaring at her supposed parents. This was just too weird. But now that she really looked at them, she could see how they would one day age into the people she did call mom and dad.
Which was a really scary thought honestly.
"I might not be your dad, but I can still kick your ass!" Kazuma threatened.
"Kazuma, be nice! Besides, you said you were going to tell them where we're going!" Aqua insisted.
"This? This IS me being nice! Because while I'm back here, they should still be back THERE!" Kazuma cried, scrubbing his hands rapidly through his hair. "Now we're going to have to get them back to that crappy place, and I damn well don't want to end up back on Earth permanently! I belong here!"
"Oh will you stop whining?" Kyon demanded. He sighed and shook his head, crossing his legs as if he were sitting down. Yuki quietly put herself in Kyon's lap, looking rather calm and relaxed, if anything. "Look, we got Haruhi and Mikuru out of a bind. Sure, we're in a weird other world, but it can't be that hard to get back to Japan."
"No, you moron! Belzerg is a DEATH world!" Kazuma shouted.
"You survived it. How bad can it be?" Haruhi demanded.
"For starters: The vegetables here are often carnivorous. Farmers are some of the strongest, highest level people around, because they have to defeat their crops before they take them to market! Do NOT screw with a Melon farmer! They WILL mess you up."
"Melons are bad news, but they're so yummy! That's why they fight extra hard, to keep themselves alive," Aqua added. "The tastiest melons are always the strongest ones, so only the powerful can harvest a really sweet treat!"
"That sounds completely asinine," Haruhi said deadpan. "Who the hell designed this world?"
"Don't talk smack about your mother, young lady," Kazuma said, a look of pure delight on his face.
Aqua just looked embarrassed and started to whistle.
"Yeah, that tracks," Kyon sighed. "Ok, so the flora can be a bit deadly. It can't be that bad."
"Wait until you meet a giant toad. They just LOVE to snack on beginner Adventurers, which guess what, you all ARE now! I'm certain as soon as we land, one will start trying to eat us up!" Kazuma cackled.
"Ugh, no! I HATE getting eaten by toads!" Aqua whined. "Kazuma, don't let them eat me! Or Haruhi!"
Mikuru let out a whimper at this description, and Haruhi patted her on the head. "Relax, I'll keep you safe. I'm supposed to be super amazing, so I imagine I'll be a high level OP Swordmaster or something, while Yuki's a high level wizard. We'll blow away all these things KazuNEET couldn't handle."
"Usually we call him NEETzuma," Aqua said, then blinked. "But don't talk about your father that way!"
"Yeah, sure, whatever. You're not my parents," Haruhi insisted. "I bet I lose my virginity before the two of you do. Right, Mikuru?"
"Um," Mikuru blushed, but pulled herself closer to Haruhi. Then, the poor girl looked down, and blinked. "Um, we're…we're sort of blowing away from the town…and towards that forest. Um…it's a nice forest, right?"
"Full of One Punch Bears and Brorillas," Kazuma sighed.
"Don't you mean…gorillas?" Kyon asked.
"I'm sure it's some sort of stupid surfer dude gorilla in board shorts," Haruhi said, shaking her head in disgust.
"More like a gym rat, but yeah, basically," Kazuma admitted. "Relax, we're still falling, might take a while."
"Why didn't you use your spell closer to the ground? Would have made a lot more sense," Haruhi pointed out.
"Well excuse me, Princess! I was just a tad bit concerned with saving your life, and the lives of the rest of my friends, not to mention Aqua's and mine! Maybe I was more focused on that, then getting a picture perfect landing!" Kazuma snapped.
"Wait, did you just call us your friends?" Kyon asked. "Wow. You are slipping, old man."
"I AM BARELY A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU!" Kazuma ranted.
"Hey…why…why didn't you say I was your friend?" Aqua asked, pushing herself away from Kazuma and looking hurt.
Kazuma coughed and looked away from her. "Um, you're, well…a bit more than a friend. We'll need to find Megumin and…talk."
"Um, OK. I…I know you and her are dating," Aqua admitted.
"That's…complicated," Kazuma sighed. He suddenly pulled Aqua into a hug, which surprised Haruhi, as normally they just argued. "You are my best friend. I…I can't really imagine life without you."
That made Haruhi look away and stew as Aqua cried some more and those two made cow eyes at each other. Seeing her supposed parents fall in love was kinda gross. Though…she did have to admit, her mom and dad were best friends. Sure, they fought with one another, her dad was definitely a tsundere, but at the end of the day Haruhi knew her parents loved one another, and her.
"Does time travel always give you this much of a headache?" Haruhi asked Mikuru plaintively as they drifted towards the trees below. She could now see more than just a green carpet, making out a few clearings and branches poking up towards her.
"I try not to think about it too much," Mikuru admitted. "Like how my little brother keeps trying to kill me. I'm not even really sure if he is my brother, or if he was just assigned as one, or is a parallel version."
"So, me hanging out with virgin versions of my parents in High School is sort of normal for you?" Haruhi asked, frowning at the sheer headache-inducing levels of that thought.
"I had to save my mother from being murdered once in training, and one time I had to go back and give my dad something so he'd meet my mom," Mikuru admitted. "It was hard to think of them that way, mom was a little girl and dad was just a few years older than me. Plus I never really met my parents; I was raised in a child farm like most kids, they just sucked the embryo out of mom when I was a few weeks old."
"What the HELL Mikuru!? Are you from some sort of horrible cyberpunk dystopia?!" Haruhi demanded.
"I…try not to think about it," Mikuru admitted, clutching tight to Haruhi. "Being in the SOS Brigade…it's been the best part of my life…I…I enjoyed it."
That made Haruhi blush. "Even, er…the cosplay?"
"Um, well…at least you did it with me? Mostly?" Mikuru said. "I…I don't mind dressing up for you…o-or when we did the movie…and making the costumes is fun…"
"Hey those trees are getting pretty close," Kyon called out, now that they were only a few meters above the treetops. Haruhi pulled Mikuru a little closer and behind her, eyeing the tree limbs. "Hold on, I'll take us in for a landing."
"Stay behind me," Yuki said quietly, and for once Kyon did so, holding on to her back as Yuki poised like a gymnast for their landing.
"Kazuma! Kazuma, I don't want to crash into a tree!" Aqua wailed.
"Will you relax! We're just falling like feathers, we'll-" Kazuma cut out into a high pitched whine, as a taller tree than the others blew right between his legs.
That made Aqua start to laugh, until she slammed face first into a tree trunk and slid down. She even made a squeaking noise as she did so.
For Haruhi's part, she grabbed onto a tree branch, then pulled herself down towards the forest floor. With just a bit of effort and gymnastics, she landed flawlessly, touching down right before Yuki did, carrying Kyon in her arms.
"Um, you can put me down, now," Kyon said, his arms still wrapped about Yuki's neck as he blushed.
While Mikuru probably could have let go of Haruhi at that point, the poor girl was trembling and clinging tightly to her neck still. Haruhi didn't want to be cruel, so she just looked around the forest floor. It seemed…well, like a normal enough forest. True, the plants weren't the same as the ones in Japan, but they looked normal enough. Some of the trees looked like birch, maple, and oak trees, though that last one she more recognized from American movies than anything else. The undergrowth was thick in some places, but there were normal enough bushes and low lying plants.
"Beware: data manipulation modules are offline," Yuki said, looking around with Kyon still in a princess carry. "Threat assessment: Danger levels unknown."
"Eh, it looks harmless enough," Haruhi said with a shrug. She turned her head and smiled at Mikuru. "It's safe, you can get down."
Mikuru slid down, but Haruhi stayed close to her, putting a protective hand on Mikuru's shoulder. "I'll protect you! Don't worry."
"Um, o-ok," Mikuru agreed.
"H-hello? Is…is someone there? Can…can you help me?" a plaintive voice, high and sweet like that of a young child called.
"Yuki! Let me down, someone needs help," Kyon said, scrambling to get out of the alien's arms.
She did set him down, but put a hand out. "Stay behind me."
"Fine," Kyon sighed. "But we should see who's calling for help."
Indeed, the voice continued to call, breaking into intermittent sobs as Haruhi looked around.
"M-maybe we should find Kazuma and Aqua first," Mikuru said hesitantly. "They seemed to think this forest was pretty dangerous…"
"Pfff, Aqua said toads were dangerous, and Kazuma just likes to talk big, we'll be fine," Haruhi said dismissively. Though in her own experience, her parents had been somewhat blasé about danger, always letting her do some pretty crazy stuff as a kid. But she shoved that down.
The group took off towards the voice, and before long, they found the source: a young girl whose leg was trapped under a giant mossy boulder. Her dress was ragged and bedraggled, and her arms and visible leg were wrapped in stained bandages. The only thing that looked healthy about her were the three red flowers that were nestled amidst her green hair. She was crying piteously, a woven basket with mushrooms spilling out of it near her arms.
"Oh, oh thank goodness!" the girl gasped as she saw Haruhi's party approach. "I…I thought I would die here, friendless and alone! Please…please, don't abandon me…"
"It's just a little girl!" Kyon gasped, as Haruhi and Mikuru hurried forward.
"Hey, hey it's OK," Haruhi said, going through her pockets for a hankie. Tanya had taken everything but the clothes on her back though, so all Haruhi could do was gently wipe away the girl's tears.
"We'll help you," Mikuru promised. "Are…are you hurt?"
"Yes…yes, I was just picking mushrooms…b-but I got trapped under this rock," the girl sniffled. "I…I don't think it can be moved…"
"Kyon. Stay back. Haruhi Suzumiya, Mikurua Asahina: be wary. I do not trust her," Yuki said, firmly blocking Kyon's way forward.
"What? Why! She's just a little girl who's lost and hurt!" Haruhi protested.
Yuki was silent, still holding out her arm. Kyon, however, had stopped rushing forward.
"Wait…this doesn't make sense. This forest is supposed to be dangerous, and filled with monsters. Why would a little girl come here alone to pick mushrooms?" he asked, frowning and rubbing his chin.
"M-my family is poor, and we need the food. I saw a big, juicy mushroom under there, and crawled to get it," the girl explained.
"Hey, it's OK, Yuki's just the suspicious sort," Haruhi assured the girl. They'd just met, but already Haruhi felt as though he had to protect this precious child, and that she needed to comfort her. After all, she was lost and alone in a new world too.
"We won't leave you, I promise," Mikuru said gently. "I…I think I can…" Slowly, Mikuru put her hand on the girl's head. "Heal."
There was a soft glow, and then the girl hissed and recoiled. "An Axis Cultist!? I thought you were extinct!"
"Um, well…I, um, I sort of…joined Aqua's religion," Mikuru admitted. "But she's really nice, I promise! We, um, we like to help little girls!"
"You're not…you're not going to…hurt me?" the girl asked slowly.
"Haruhi, Mikuru, I think you should get away from her," Kyon said, as Yuki stepped forward.
She picked up a mushroom, then took a small bite of it. Immediately, Yuki spat it out, even as she assumed a combat stance. "Analysis: Mushroom contains toxins detrimental to human beings. Not fit for consumption."
"Oh come on, she's just a helpless little girl!" Haruhi protested, hugging the girl tightly and glaring at Kyon and Yuki. "How could this helpless little thing be dangerous!?"
"Haruhi..her leg. She pulled it out on her own when Mikuru healed her," Kyon said quietly. "I think you should back away."
Haruhi blinked, and looked just as the girl hastily stuck her leg back under the rock. "I'm…sure Mikuru just healed her really good. Where did you learn to do that?"
"Um, Aqua said I'm a priestess of the Axis Cult now," Mikuru said, flushing slightly. "I sort of…signed a contract…"
Just then, a bedraggled Kazuma and Aqua stumbled out of the trees, Aqua sniffling, and Kazuma muttering under his breath. As soon as he saw Haruhi holding the girl though, he swore loudly.
"LEISURE GIRL!" Kazuma shouted, and jumped forward, drawing a knife from his pocket.
Instantly, the girl was out of Haruhi's arms, and had her in a headlock. "Take another step forward and she dies, human!"
Despite the danger, Haruhi felt concerned mostly for the girl. "Don't hurt her, please!"
"Yes, don't hurt me," the girl purred. "Just…take a rest. Or leave. I'll take good care of your friend. She'll spend the rest of her days being pampered by me. Those mushrooms aren't really poisonous. They just…make you happy. Eat some! You'll feel great!"
"Those are Dreamshooms," Aqua warned. "If you eat one, you'll fall into a deep sleep. You're said to have wonderful dreams, but you won't wake up without an antidote. They're used in some sleeping potions, but eating one isn't a good idea."
"Guys, it's fine! Just, chill! Relax with my new-" Haruhi began.
Then Mikuru stood up and shouted, "Dispel!"
A cold wave washed over Haruhi, and she suddenly realized just how much trouble she was in. Frantically, she grabbed the Leisure Girl, then threw her over her shoulder. The monster wailed, and her grip loosened as she tumbled away.
She didn't make it far though. Yuki darted forward, and delivered a colossal blow to the creature's gut. Green fluid spewed forth, and she fell to the ground, twitching. "D-damn, Axis Cultists! My pheromones never work on you…"
"Nice try," Kazuma growled, holding out a hand. "But I know how to deal with you. Kindle!"
The Leisure Girl shrieked as she caught fire, but in a few moments, she immolated completely, turning to ash.
Haruhi took a step back, horrified. She hugged tightly to Mikuru, who sobbed into Haruhi's chest, clinging to her. Kyon covered his mouth and looked ill, while Yuki stepped back to his side, looking around warily.
Then there was a faint *ding* and Kazuma laughed and gave a thumbs up. "Nice! I leveled up! Those things are worth so much XP!"
"Sweet, what level are you now? Forty?" Aqua asked.
Kazuma shrugged. "Not sure. Depends on how many levels I got from defeating the Devil King."
"Eh, at least that thing is dealt with. Now, which way back to town?" Aqua asked, looking around.
"What!? How can you be so casual! We…we just murdered that girl!?" Haruhi sputtered.
"Yeah, even if she was trying to kill Haruhi…that was pretty awful," Kyon agreed.
"Please. One that old, she's murdered dozens of people," Kazuma said with a disgusted look. "I bet if we found her lair, there'd be dozens of bones."
Quietly, Yuki walked forward, then rolled away the giant boulder. This time, Kyon did turn to the side and vomit. So did Haruhi and Mikuru. Because under the bolder were several corpses, a couple still rather fresh, others nothing but browned bones. There were swords, spears, knives, a few rotten bows and broken arrows, and even what looked like a magical staff or two and some armor.
"They're monsters. They might look cute, but they're deadly and will murder you and feast on your flesh," Kazuma said grimly. "I told you: this messed up place is a death world. Stay on your toes."
Haruhi nodded numbly. Now, he really did believe Kazuma. If the native horrors masqueraded as cute little girls…she wasn't sure what other nightmares awaited them.
Despite her revulsion, Kazuma insisted the group arm themselves with the dead adventurers' gear. He took a short sword and dagger for himself, while Kyon took a short spear and buckler. Yuki took a great axe and a bastard sword, which looked comically large on her, despite the fact that he could swing them around with ease. Mikuru took up a magic staff, while Aqua hovered over the fallen pile.
For her part, Haruhi took up a curved sword that looked like a katana. If she were going on a magical adventure, she wanted to be the badass hero.
"Shouldn't we…bury them?" Haruhi asked, looking at the grisly remains.
"I'll take care of it," Aqua assured her. She glanced over at her partner. "Kazuma?"
"Yeah. It's time. Send them on their way," Kazuma said, and bowed his head.
Aqua raised her hands up, and nodded to Mikuru and Haruhi. "Follow along with me."
Not sure what to do, Haruhi drew her sword and saluted, while Mikuru raised her staff.
"O Fallen Heroes, go now to your rest," Aqua intoned, as blue light began to swirl about her. "You have fought nobly and well, and now, be at peace."
Ghostly images of several people appeared, standing up from the pile of corpses, and staring at Aqua longingly.
"Trouble this world no more: pass on, into the light," Aqua said, smiling at the spirits. "I, Aqua, Goddess of Water, and Psychopomp of Japan, bid you to cross over."
As one, the spirits bowed, then floated up into the sky, where they dissolved into shimmering rain drops. Haruhi could only gape in shock, but Mikuru bowed and clapped four times. Haruhi hastily echoed her, and the others clapped and bowed as well.
When she looked again, grass and flowers had sprouted on the grave, and the bones had vanished into the soil.
Aqua sniffed and wiped away a tear, then turned to Kazuma. "I guess even if we defeated the Devil King…there's still evil in the world…"
"Well, considering Komekko went full Evil Overlord on us, I think we might be able to do something about that once we find Megumin," Kazuma said, turning about. "It's this way."
"How do you know?" Kyon asked, looking around the woods. "I'm already all turned around…"
"Cartography, Wayfinding, Exploration, and the fact that I spent years bumming around this place with Aqua," Kazuma said, and took off at a brisk stride.
Haruhi followed after, putting her sword back in its sheath. After a moment, she took Mikuru's hand, and that earned her a smile.
"THIS IS NOT A DATE, KID!" Kazuma shouted from the front of the line. "Look sharp! Otherwise, a Beginner's Bane is going to jump out of those bushes and eat you!"
Yuki immediately dashed towards the bushes in question, drawing both of her enormous weapons. In just two blows, she'd shredded not just the undergrowth, but felled two trees as well.
"I was being rhetorical," Kazuma sighed. "But I like your enthusiasm."
With a shudder, Haruhi squeezed Mikuru's hand, and refused to let go. Despite being in a strange new Death World…she felt content. She was with her friends.
Though she couldn't help but feel like someone was missing. Oh well. If she'd forgotten about it, it probably wasn't important.
Standing shakily, Itsuki Koizumi looked around the still burning parking lot. They were gone. Everyone was gone. Haruhi, Kyon, Sasaki, and worst of all…Kyoko. Where was Kyoko?!
"Tachibana! Kyoko! Where are you!" Koizumi called, stumbling over the cratered ground. He spotted another person, and hurried over to them, but it wasn't Kyoko, or another SOS Brigade member.
"Mr. Suzumiya?" Koizumi asked, sighing. He reached down, and helped the balding older man to his feet.
"Haruhi…my wife…where are they?" Mr. Suzumiya gasped, looking around frantically.
"Here!"
Koizumi turned, then ran over to where the voice had come from behind the still burning hulk of a van. There, he found the dark haired man who'd picked a fight with X11, and lived to tell the tale, helping Mrs. Suzumiya sit up.
"Haruhi?" she coughed, looking hopefully at her husband.
He shook his head though, and Koizumi couldn't help but feel sick to his stomach. "Where…where did they go? You have to know, don't you?"
The Suzumiyas shared a look, while the stranger stood up, dusting himself off. "No, we don't. Time might be a river, but it has many branches and forks. Thankfully, I was prepared for this."
"Oh don't you start, Seiya!" Mr. Suzumiya snapped, glaring at the other man.
Now that he heard the name, Koizumi recognized him as Seiya Ryuuguuin, though what the international track star and rumored black operative was doing here, Koizumi wasn't sure.
"He might be able to help us get Haruhi back," her mother said, gripping her husband's arm. He grimaced, but nodded.
"It's quite simple. I still have some contacts in the Divine Realm," Seiya said. "We get Tiana and Thalia to burn some sacred incense I gathered for just such an occasion. Then, once we contact Ariadoa, we can-"
"That's all very, very fascinating, but I'm afraid I can't let you finish!" an all too familiar cheery voice said.
Even as he spun, Koizumi put up a psychic barrier, and grunted as something impacted it, hard. He braced himself, even as Ryoko Asakura pivoted away, her knives flashing.
"I'm going to need that incense, or whatever you have to summon Haruhi!" Ryoko giggled. "You see, the Data Overmind is somewhat perturbed by your latest actions! And I've just been given free reign to kill you all!"
"Hell," Koizumi grunted. He was already tired. "Any plans to deal with this?"
"Humanoid interface? I have just what we need," Seiya said calmly, even as Ryoko slashed at Koizumi's barrier again.. "I am perfectly prepared."
"Smart ass," Mr. Suzumiya grumbled, but he nodded to Koizumi. "Good work kid. We'll take care of this mess yet. Thanks."
It was then that it dawned on Koizumi that he was still stuck with a Kazuma. Could this day get any worse?