Beta'd and edited by Tabasco and The Grand Cogitator.
Sponsored by my Jman, and by readers like you on my discord.
Kyon didn't really consider himself much of a video game aficionado. He'd always preferred reading on a variety of topics or catching an interesting movie. Not to say he'd never played an RPG before; he'd played a couple of Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest titles, though his favorite had been Wild Arms. That didn't help him now, but even he could recognize they were in what had to be a stereotypical medieval fantasy setting.
He didn't really feel prepared for it though; he was still wearing his school uniform and shoes! Granted, he had a spear and shield now, but it wasn't as though he really had a clue how to use them.
Glancing over at Yuki, he sighed, then gave her a half smile. "Guess I'm relying on you again to keep us all safe."
Yuki nodded quietly, her head slowly swiveling as she scanned the area around them. They'd left the forest, and were heading down a narrow dirt path through rolling green hills. There were windmills and farmhouses in the distance, along with cultivated fields.
"Damn, it's late spring," Kazuma muttered. He glanced at Aqua, who was looking around nervously. "You know what that means."
"M-maybe they're still hibernating?" Aqua said, giving a nervous titter.
"What?" Haruhi asked, stopping in their march and causing Mikuru to bump into her back. "Oh, sorry. Look, Kazuma, what are you worried about? You bragged about being some sort of Super Adventurer."
"Oh I am, but this is a historical problem for us. Well, mostly Aqua, really."
"I hate toads," Aqua muttered, making a face. "Let's hope they're still sleeping."
That caused Kyon to miss half a step. He looked out over the pastoral landscape, frowning. Yeah, they'd just murdered what had looked like a little girl, and Kazuma went on about this being a Death World…
"What, are they poisonous or something? Do we need to watch where we step?" Kyon asked, looking uncertainly at some knee-high grass and brambles.
"They're not hiding in there. Hell, those bastards can't hide, period," Kazuma sighed. "Trust me. If they come, you'll know."
"They're just so smelly and icky," Aqua said, wrinkling her nose and looking around furtively. She seemed to be trying to hide behind Kazuma, who for once wasn't complaining about it.
"Smelly? What exactly are these things?" Kyon demanded. "I'd been thinking of some sort of giant cane toad."
"They're basically giant frogs the size of elephants," Kazuma explained. "Long sticky tongues, like to eat Adventurers, and-"
"Kazuma Sato. You have stated these to be both frogs and toads. Please clarify," Yuki interjected.
"Huh? Look, whatever, the point is, they're all kinds of colors, and they have a taste for cute girls, so Haruhi should be fine," Kazuma explained. Then he swore when Aqua slapped him upside the back of his head.
"That's our daughter! Don't go disparaging her looks!" Aqua snapped.
Kyon glanced at Yuki, who on the surface appeared serene, but he could detect a slight crease in her forehead, as well as a stiffness in the way she was walking.
"Hold on, you two. And you too, Haruhi," Kyon said, stopping Haruhi before she could use her scabbard to smack Aqua for some inane reason. "Now are they frogs, or toads?"
"Who cares! They're big slimy jerks!" Aqua huffed.
"I care," Kyon said, gesturing with the butt of his spear. "Toads live on land, right? While frogs live in water mostly. So if we're going to be ambushed by them, we should wait, did you say the size of an elephant?"
"Yeah, they burrow under the ground in the winter, then come out in late spring to eat and mate. They look like frogs to me but I've never seen one in the water. They just sort of hop around on the landscape terrorizing the local goats and farmers," Kazuma said with a shrug.
Kyon glanced at Yuki, who seemed to relax. "Sufficient data reached. The danger is primarily terrestrial. Classification: Toad."
"Well whatever. Come on, it's a few miles until town, let's get our story straight," Kazuma said, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking in the direction of the windmills.
"Um, well, if you've been gone ten years…people might believe that you just aged gracefully," Mikuru offered.
"I'm a goddess! We don't age!" Aqua argued. Then she blinked. "Wait, but if I…Kazuma! I'm going to get old! I'll get ugly and have wrinkles and have to take up crocheting!"
"You LIKE crocheting. Besides, I got a good look at Haruhi's mother. She looked fine," Kazuma said with a roll of his eyes.
"Why are you looking at other women!?" Aqua demanded, her nostrils flaring.
"Oh for- it's supposed to be YOU from the future! Besides, officially I'm still dating Megumin!"
The bickering continued on to various and sundry topics, with Haruhi looking a mixture of horrified and fascinated as she watched.
Kyon edged closer to her and whispered, "Are your parents like that?"
"All the time. It's sort of sickening, actually," she said, her tone dull and somewhat listless. "I'm expecting them to start making out, then come up with an excuse for why they have to be locked in the bedroom blaring music for an hour."
"That's er…" Kyon shook his head, trying to get the image of his own parents doing that out of his head. He knew his own parents loved one another, but they were normal, reserved, and very Japanese in their expressions of affection. At home they might cuddle or share a quick kiss, but certainly not in public. And while they did have disagreements, it wasn't like this.
He fell back to where Yuki was taking up the rear, and said quietly to her, "Just so you know, normal people don't act like stereotypical tsundere types and fight like cats and dogs.
Yuki's lips quirked slightly, and she paused in her scanning to meet Kyon's eyes. "I am aware. Based upon the fact that you have selected me as your Bestest Buddy, I have surmised that an overly emotive partner is not what you seek."
Kyon was quiet for a moment, then slung his shield over his back, and held out his hand to Yuki. She took it quietly but gave him a squeeze. After a few moments of walking, she said, "Kyon, what is your fetish?"
That made him go bright red and develop a coughing fit, but after a moment he managed, "Well, I suppose I do have a thing for maids. You know, someone quiet, calm, and competent, who doesn't make a big fuss, but without whom everything falls apart because of all the things big and small they do in the background."
Yuki was quiet for a while, and Kyon worried he had offended her. He'd tried to be honest, but he also knew he was doing a bit of brown-nosing and describing Yuki herself.
Then she spoke. "I was not created with a fetish subroutine. One has developed. It is an error in my code, but it is what makes me Yuki Nagato and not HN-00000. My fetish is a young man about 162-175 centimeters, as this is as much as you have grown since we have met. It is a young man who enjoys odd things, and conversations about books that I have read, and reads them also. Who gets me library cards, and understands when I smile."
Kyon felt a lump in his throat, and had a hard time seeing for a moment. "Yuki, I-"
"Stay behind me."
"RAAAAA!"
By the time Kyon blinked away the tears and the screams from Aqua and Mikuru stopped, there were a dozen bloody corpses on the ground. Kazuma had gotten a sling from somewhere, which he was whirling over his head. He let fly, and there was a scream from the bushes, where a small, smelly shape in rusty armor fell out of a tree.
There was a loud crashing sound and more screaming, this time from what Kyon now realized were inhuman throats. He blinked, and found Yuki with her weapons raised, staying by his side. He did a quick headcount and saw that Haruhi, Mikuru, and Aqua were gone, with Kazuma bending to pick up another rock.
"Shouldn't we help them!? They'll be killed!" Kyon demanded of Kazuma.
"Yeah, that's sort of the point. Morons shouldn't have tried that," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"You would just let Aqua die like that!? I refuse to let-" Kyon began, but Kazuma laughed.
"Those are imps!" he kicked one of the corpses, which turned out to be dark purple, with longer limbs than a human would, along with long pointed ears and vicious fangs. The creature looked scorched, with burn marks and eyes melted out of the oddly shaped head. "They're little demons. And they picked a fight with two goddesses and a priestess. Come on, they'll get tired eventually, or all the imps will be dead."
"Uh…Yuki?" Kyon asked.
"We may follow. Threat assessment: Minimal."
Kyon hurried into the brush behind Yuki, with Kazuma bringing up the rear, sling whirling over his head. He let fly once they passed over a low rise, his rock clobbering another little demon, this one red with long talons.
The destruction, however, was brutal. A dozen more imps lay slaughtered. Bizarrely, some of them looked like they had drowned, despite being in an open field with a stream some twenty meters away, and no more than ankle deep. As Kyon took a step forward, one of the imps reached out, grabbing on to his ankle.
"M-mommy! T-those lights, so bright, I can't-"
Haruhi leapt forward, her katana piercing through the imp's head, and leaving it dead at Kyon's feet. In the background, Mikuru raised her staff and a bolt of water shot out, wrapping itself around another imp's head. The demon sank to its knees, bubbles erupting from its mouth as it screamed. Aqua was thrashing six imps at once, a flurry of blows raining from her glowing fists and tearing the demons apart.
Kyon could only gape in horror and astonishment. He felt sick to his stomach and disgusted by the slaughter. He staggered over to lean against a rock, then spied a cookpot on a fire. Amidst the dark brown broth, he spied a hand. It was human. And too small to be an adult's.
He vomited, noisily and messily. He was still sick, but he suddenly didn't mind his three friend's sudden and rather violent destruction of these demons. When he looked up, Yuki was standing guard by him, weapons drawn, two dead imps at her feet. Kazuma was still using his sling to cover the other girls, though his efforts seemed somewhat perfunctory.
Amidst the wailing of the imps, a roar suddenly echoed, and everyone looked up as out of the creek bed, two giant creatures raged. One was dark blue, with big black hairy eyebrows and a single pointed horn coming out of its head, while the other had maroon skin with twin curved horns and a dark goatee. They were instantly recognizable as oni from Japanese folklore, even though both had on muscle shirts with DEVIL QUEEN'S GYM written in English on them, a picture of a grinning Komekko with twin barbells crossed under her head like the skull and crossbones.
Neither were wearing pants, much to Kyon's disgust and horror. Apparently, they'd been caught bathing.
"WHO DARES ATTACK OUR IMPS?!" the blue oni bellowed, and picked up a boulder the size of a small car and chucked it at Haruhi.
"LOOK OUT!" Kyon cried, but to his shock, Haruhi calmly sheathed her sword, standing still as the boulder descended.
Then, with a single flourish and a cry of, "DIVINE BLADE!" she sliced it clean in two, the twin halves falling to either side of her.
The red oni opened his mouth and breathed out a stream of fire at Mikuru, who squeaked in panic. Aqua, however, stepped in the way, holding out a single palm. A wave of water shot out, dousing the flames and soaking the oni, who began to scream as his skin steamed.
"Shit, watch out! Those are oni! High level enemies!" Kazuma called to Kyon. "We've got to-Woah!"
The blue oni charged Kazuma, who dove out of the way. He flung out his belt at the charging monster, who looked like he was three meters tall and at least half a ton. "BIND!"
The oni swore and tripped, crashing to the ground as the belt grew and wrapped itself around his ankles. Kazuma grinned and raised his sword. "You're mine now!"
The oni looked horrified, then suddenly started to laugh as Kazuma's pants fell down around his own ankles. Fortunately, he wasn't going commando like the demons were.
"You-! I swear, just as soon as I get these up, you're mine!" Kazuma shouted, hopping around frantically as he waved his sword with one hand and tried to hike up his pants with the other.
With a snap, the oni broke the belt and got to his feet, only to find Haruhi blocking his path to Kazuma.
"Out of my way, woman! I will save you for the imps' pleasure, then sell you in Elroad!" the oni roared.
"I don't think so," Haruhi hissed, raising her katana. "You're mine."
"With that pathetic thing? It's not even magical!" the oni laughed. He slammed one fist into the ground, and Haruhi staggered as the earth ruptured. "With Komekko gone, Hans and I will be the new Devil King, and-"
"Please tell me your name isn't Franz," Kyon sighed, his palm smacking into his face.
The oni paused, standing up and planting his hands on his hips, which gave Kyon a very unwelcome view. "So what if it is? What are you going to do about it?"
"HEY MEATHEAD!" Haruhi shouted, and Franz the Oni turned around just in time to see Haruhi jumping at him, her sword flashing for his neck. He looked completely incredulous, even after his head bounced off the ground and rolled down into the creek.
As for Hans, Kyon watched as Aqua literally punched the oni over the horizon, the red demon screaming the entire time. He blinked, then looked at Yuki. "You know, I think this place might be slightly mad."
Yuki considered this, then nodded, her weapons still at the ready. "The native lifeforms do seem to be experiencing emotional distress."
"No, I mean, this place is insane! Do the laws of physics even WORK here?! How could Aqua launch that guy like that! He had to weigh as much as a horse, and not a small one! And Haruhi is cutting boulders in half!"
"You know, I'm not really sure how I did that," Haruhi mused, looking at her sword, then at the decapitated oni. "I just…it felt right, you know?"
"You would be a native resident of crazy town," Kyon muttered.
That got Kazuma to laugh as he finally got his pants up. "Oh man, you haven't seen anything yet! These are just basic minions of the Devil King. Though it's a bit weird that imps and oni are this close to Axel. It's supposed to be the town of beginners, and these are pretty dangerous."
"If they're so dangerous, how were Haruhi, Ms Asahina, and AQUA able to kill them? I've seen Aqua struggle to get her milk carton open! And Haruhi and Mikuru don't have any combat training!" Kyon argued.
"Hey! I'm a goddess! I'm super amazing at killing undead!" Aqua argued, stalking over towards Kyon. "I can take down a couple of Oni just like I EEEEEEEEEEE!"
Somehow, Aqua managed to slip on a banana peel one of the imps had apparently left lying around in their campsite, and went tumbling ass over teakettle. She managed to careen into Kazuma, sending them both into a bramble bush with cries of pained panic.
"I, um, I did take a combat course…" Mikuru told Kyon as they worked to extract the two idiots from their pratfall. "Five times…um, they deployed me before I could pass it…"
"So how did you know that water magic stuff?" Kyon demanded. "They teach THAT at time agent school?"
"Aqua taught it to me. It's standard for Axis Priestesses, she says. Oh! Let me get these thorns out of your hair!" Mikuru hastily got out a comb from her purse, and began to work the brambles out of Aqua's tangled hair.
"Freaking useless," Kazuma muttered as he plucked the comb away from Mikuru and began to comb Aqua' hair. "Sit still, would you! This is hard enough already!"
"Dude, how can you call her useless!? She literally just punched a demon into the stratosphere!" Kyon protested, gesturing to the sky.
"Negative. The maximum arc of Hans' flight was 1.03 kilometers, well short of the stratosphere," Yuki said from her post as their lookout, a bit uphill from where Aqua was blubbering.
"Ok, so the monster only flew a click into the sky! That's still insane! She's got to be incredibly powerful and useful!" Kyon argued. "I bet she's the only reason you managed to defeat the Devil King!"
"Well, at least HE understands. Maybe I should have Kyon be Haruhi's father!" Aqua said, looking very smug.
Kyon and Haruhi exchanged horrified looks, then both made retching sounds at the very idea, the memory of the first kiss they'd exchanged suddenly fresh in their minds.
"That's not how that works! And besides, Aqua wasn't the only reason!" Kazuma continued to comb Aqua's hair, taking a surprising amount of care in the task. He sighed and shook his head. "There was Megumin and Darkness too, you know. And I did help."
"You did manage to lure him away and duel him. It was…it was very brave of you, Kazuma," Aqua said quietly.
"Well, you're welcome. And I suppose you're not completely useless yourself. You are pretty good at beating up on demons, and you did seal the Devil King's power." Kazuma withdrew the comb and nodded. "There. I knew that Beautician Skill would come in handy someday."
Indeed, Aqua's hair now shone with luster and was in her typical ponytail. Even Kyon had to admit it looked pretty good.
"So that's why dad knows all those hairstyles," Haruhi muttered. "I just thought he learned all that stuff for me and mom."
"I am not your dad!" Kazuma snapped. "I'm too young to have a daughter in high school!"
"Get over it, Kazutrash! I wasn't talking about it! Besides, the way you act, I'd better be glad you're not my father because you haven't even kissed Aqua, have you!" Haruhi snapped.
"Please, can we not argue," Kyon sighed, rubbing his face with his hand. But it was far too late.
"Young lady, respect your elders!" Aqua shouted, then rounded on Kazuma. "And would it kill you to kiss me?! Sure, you might be dating Megumin, but we nearly died a few times and I kissed you first so MMMPH!"
Kazuma suddenly grabbed Aqua by the head and pulled her face to his. Kyon averted his gaze as several wet sucking sounds came out, while Haruhi spun about and plugged her ears.
"There? Happy now?" Kazuma panted, letting go and wiping his mouth with his sleeve. Aqua gaped up at him, clinging to Kazuma's shirt with both hands. "You can let go of that now. We're not doing it here in an open field. We haven't even looted the bodies or looked for treasure yet, and we're flat broke still."
"Treasure?" Aqua said, blinking. Then she let go of Kazuma and took a hasty step back. "Treasure! Come on guys, let's look for treasure!"
And thus began the highly morbid task of rummaging through the corpses. Kyon had a hard time making himself do it, but Yuki was quick and thorough, finding a variety of golden coins, small gemstones, and a few other valuables. Kazuma managed to find a small treasure chest with bags of money and a few potions buried by the cooking pot.
Aqua found several colorful rocks, while Mikuru found several very pretty flowers.
"That's a very nice quartz, Aqua," Kazuma sighed, taking her offering and pocketing it. "Yes, you can have the sapphire we found. Don't go trading it for a chicken egg."
That caused Aqua to gasp. "Emperor Zel! I bet he's fully matured into a majestic dragon!"
"More like a plump chicken dinner," Kazuma grumbled. "That someone else got to eat."
"Kazuma! How can you say that?! He was my precious baby!" Aqua declared.
"Roosters only live about 10 years. He's dead," Kazuma told her.
"He's not a rooster, he's a DRAGON!' Aqua argued.
They headed off towards civilization again, this time with a lot more valuables in their pockets. Kyon fell in with Haruhi, and looked over at her. "So, you want to tell me where the bushido skills came from?"
"I told you, it just felt right. When I saw those demons, it made my blood boil! I dunno, I never felt anything like that back home, but a part of me knew that they were evil," Haruhi said. She paused, swallowing and looking faintly green. "Did you see the…pot?"
"Yeah. They did have to die, goofy as they were," Kyon agreed, feeling sick himself. "I just…you've always been good at sports and stuff, but this? Haruhi, you just killed what looked like at least a miniboss."
"Oni are about level 40, so for Axel that's a full-blown boss," Kazuma said without bothering to turn around. "The pair of them and their imp minions will have been giving Luna fits. We'll get a nice reward."
Kyon glanced at the blood-stained bundle Kazuma had wrapped in rags on his back and made a face. "Is that why you cut off all the imp's ears and took the head?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. Because you lot don't have Adventurer cards and I lost mine, we need to bring back proof of our deeds if we want to get paid. Adventurers are basically temp workers. No one takes their word for much of anything," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"We'll have the good bubbly tonight, and a bath!" Aqua laughed, dancing out ahead of them and turning around with a big smile on her face. "Don't worry guys, Kazuma and I are very experienced, we did defeat the Devil King after all!"
For the first time since he'd heard that claim, Kyon actually believed it. Sure, Kazuma and Aqua were total goofballs and a raging mess of issues, but they had gone through all the deadly monsters they'd seen so far like a hot knife through butter. Maybe they actually were great heroes after all.
Right as Kyon finished pondering that, something struck him as wrong. He had just enough time to register that the large objects he'd taken for mossy boulders were moving before Yuki tackled him to the ground and knocked the wind out of him.
"AAAAAAHHHHH! KAZUMAAAAAAA!" Aqua screamed before she plunged face first into a giant toad's mouth.
"Oh GODDESSES DAMMIT IT!" Kazuma shrieked as he was pulled away on a long sticky tongue. "NOT THIS! ANYTHING BUT THIS!"
Haruhi was trying to draw her sword, even as she was dragged away "Let go of me you oversized amphibian! I just killed an oni, don't make me MMMMPH MPH MPPPPHHH!"
"H-help!" Mikuru wept as she was slowly swallowed.
Kyon blinked, standing and watching as the invincible heroes who had just slaughtered a pair of powerful demons along with dozens of their lackeys like it was nothing were all eaten by giant amphibians. He reckoned that even that size, the toad's brains were probably smaller than his. He looked down at Yuki, feeling slightly incredulous. "Uh, I guess…I'll take the one on the right with Ms. Asahina?"
"Negative. You rescue Kazuma," Yuki replied. "He is the only one with his head out, and will survive longer."
"Are you sure it's not because you're jealous?" Kyon teased as they ran forward together.
Yuki missed half a step, and Kyon nearly tripped at seeing it.
"Further data required," Yuki mumbled, her cheeks coloring slightly. It could have been the exertion, but Kyon was pretty sure she could run a full marathon at NASCAR speeds and not get winded, so it wasn't likely.
It took a lot of messy stabbing with his spear and more than a little prying, but Kyon did manage to get the very irate Kazuma out of the toad, the other boy swearing loudly and volubly the entire time.
"Look, I get it, you're embarrassed, I'm sure it happens to the best of us," Kyon finally said when he extracted the very slimy Kazuma.
"...can't show my face at the Guild, never live it down," Kazuma muttered, wiping his hand over his body and flicking it to try to get some of the toad saliva off.
Haruhi looked rather shell-shocked and was sitting with Mikuru while Aqua hosed them all off by conjuring up a small stream of water. Upon seeing Kazuma was free though, she came over and washed him off first, leaving the dripping girls sitting on the corpse of a dead toad.
Yuki, for her part, was carefully butchering one of the dead beasts and examining its organs. Kyon walked over while the others washed off, standing beside her. "How's the dissection going? Learn anything?"
"By the principles of the cube square law, this animal is anatomically and biologically impossible," Yuki informed him. "I have not found any organs that explain how it is able to survive." She turned to Mikuru, who was still sniffling. "Was the inside very warm?"
"Um, well…I guess? I-I wasn't cold," Mikuru admitted.
"It's not so bad in the wintertime when you get eaten," Aqua sighed, scrubbing Kazuma's hair as she watered him from a paper fan, which was kinda weird. "It's much warmer than the outside air. It's bad when you get out though."
Yuki frowned, or at least the sides of her mouth quirked down and her forehead creased slightly, which was the same thing for her. "I thought these creatures hibernated in the winter."
"They do, but Megumin woke them up with her Explosion spell and they started terrorizing the countryside," Kazuma said by way of an explanation that really explained nothing.
Yuki nodded and went back to her butchery, and after a few minutes Kazuma stood up. "Right, let's get some of the meat at least. It's pretty valuable."
"Surely you can't be serious," Kyon protested.
"He is serious, and don't call him Shirley," Aqua hiccuped, wiping away her own tears. "But fried toad does taste very good."
They ended up hauling the meat from just the toad Yuki had butchered. By that point, they were only a mile or two from the town, and could clearly see the walls. They had passed a few distant farms but hadn't seen any people to speak of. The buildings Kyon had seen looked a bit run down, but he didn't have a point of comparison. Maybe all the old medieval buildings really looked like that.
As they approached the town, Kazuma seemed to relax slightly, and both he and Aqua started to sing along to some song Kyon had never heard before. To his surprise, Haruhi joined in, her voice easily falling into rhythm with the others.
Leaving in the morning,without a word to say
from my house into the
world, in the light of day
I might seem courageous,
but once the sun goes down
you'll find that I'm the
biggest crybaby around...
"We used to sing that when we'd come back from quests," Kazuma chuckled as they neared the city gates. There were two guards in armor visible, along with a couple of archers and someone in a funny hat and robes who was probably a magic user of some sort.
"I made it up, but I always liked singing it with the others. You usually didn't though," Aqua said, smiling at Kazuma.
"You two used to sing it to me as a lullaby," Haruhi said quietly. Then she shook her head. "I mean, my parents did!"
"Whatever, act normal. Or just keep quiet, that's better," Kazuma said. He smiled at the guards and waved. "Hey there, we-"
"Halt right there. I don't recognize you," a gruff woman said, raising her spear toward Kazuma. "State your names and produce your adventurers cards!"
"Will you relax, Aloerina? Come on, don't you recognize me? You did propose to me. Still look good in a bathing suit, I assume?" Kazuma called.
"What!? How dare you talk to my wife that way!" the male guard said, striding forward and drawing his sword. "Who are you and how dare you-"
"Kazuma Sato!?" Aloerina gasped, dropping her spear with a clatter. "But…but you're dead!"
"ZOMBIES!" one of the archers shouted, and raised his bow, firing off an arrow right at Kyon.
Yuki, of course, caught it in the air, then took up a defensive posture.
"I'm not a zombie, dammit!" Kazuma snapped. He grabbed his right arm with his left, pointing it at the stunned Aloerina. "Don't make me use my secret technique to prove it!"
For some reason, Aloerina crossed her legs and flushed, while her husband swore and put himself between Kazuma and her. "Don't try it, undead!"
Aqua, however, stormed forward and slapped the man. "I am a GODDESS! How DARE you accuse the leader of the Axis Cult of being an undead!? I'll have you know that if we had found any vile, disgusting monstrosities I would have dealt with them, or made Mikuru do it! She's a priestess of the Axis Order and-"
"Well now I know you're lying! The Axis Cult doesn't even exist anymore! Everyone knows their goddess abandoned them," the man snarled, and raised his sword as if to clobber Aqua.
"Wait!? How…how could my precious followers abandon me!" Aqua wailed. "I led them in a glorious crusade to destroy the Devil King, and it worked!"
"Dan, I think…I think maybe we need to take these people in. That woman…I recognize her. She's the Archpriestess, Aqua. And that really is Kazuma Sato," Aloerina said, coming over and putting a steadying hand on her husband's shoulder.
"But, how do we know it's them?" Dan demanded, looking very uncertain.
Aloerina lifted her visor, sniffed, then wrinkled her nose. "Judging by the smell, they just got eaten by giant toads, and unless I miss my guess, that's a sack full of demon heads Sato is carrying. Only these idiots could manage to kill off that deadly pack of leftovers from the Devil Queen's Grand Army and then manage to get themselves eaten by monsters even a newbie adventurer knows how to deal with."
Despite Kazuma and Aqua's outraged squawks, Kyon sat down and just laughed. Even Yuki giggled a little.
Author's Note:
You can tell that Haruhi is Aqua's daughter because the toads went for her first.