Despite the fact that she was very certain she had never been to Axel before, Haruhi couldn't help but look around and feel like she knew this place. An overwhelming sense of deja vu had gripped her ever since they set foot into this town. It was like she had returned to a barely remembered childhood home after being away for years.
The buildings were all whitewashed wooden construction, with red tiled roofs or the occasional slate. The main street was laid with worn cobblestones, but the side streets were dirt tracks that had barefoot children running through them. The people were dressed mostly in clothes that looked like they belonged at the Renaissance Fair, from a nun in dark gray habit, to a broad shouldered blacksmith in a leather apron, to the blond guy in a red and white zip up short sleeve tracksuit.
Ok, maybe that last one didn't belong to the RenFair, but he was barreling towards Haruhi's group with a thunderstruck look on his face.
"Kazuma!? It is you! Sweet Eris man, where have you BEEN?!"
Kazuma winced slightly as the man grabbed him by his shirt, looking somewhat embarrassed. "Look, Dust, where I've been isn't that important…we're just looking for Megumin. Have you seen her around?"
Dust blinked, and stepped back, rubbing his chin. "Huh, I guess you don't know then, do you?"
"Dust, we just got into town, please just tell me what I need to know," Kazuma sighed.
Dust nodded sagely. "Sure, sure. But first…you have to introduce me to these cuties in your group!' Dust declared, stepping up to Haruhi. He leaned down, waggling his eyebrows at her. "Hey, gorgeous. You look new here in town. Need someone like ole Dust to show you around? Just buy me a drink and-"
"I'm Kazuma's daughter," Haruhi said, keeping her tone as deadpan as possible despite the urge to deck this freak. He had to be at least a decade older than her, and his first reaction was hitting on her? Apparently, some things never changed.
That got Dust to step back. "Woah, wait, WHAT?! But that means… KAZUMA YOU DOG, YOU NEVER MENTIONED YOU HAD A KID!" Immediately, Dust was pounding Kazuma on the back and laughing, while Kazuma sputtered and shot angry glares at Haruhi.
Kazuma tried to lean away from his apparent friend "Dust, come on, not in front of-"
"Let's say we go back and have a few drinks at the guild to celebrate!" Dust said, steering Kazuma along the path they were already going. "Who's the mother? Wait, it's not Aqua is it? I thought you said-"
"Oh yes, let's hear what dear old dad had to say about mom," Haruhi said, stepping up beside Kazuma, who was rapidly deflating as they walked.
"Well, at least she got her looks from her mother right?" Dust laughed, poking Kazuma in the chest as they walked towards a larger building, this one with a clock above a large crest; a winged blade over a shield.
"Welcome!" a harried looking woman in a white uniform with boobs that made even Mikuru's rack look modest. "If you're looking for something to eat, we have food, and on tap we have KAZUMA SATO!?"
"That's the weirdest sounding drink I've ever heard of," Kyon said in a dry tone.
Yuki nodded in agreement, looking around with apparent curiosity.
"Hi Luna!" Aqua said, waving excitedly. "We're back! We'll have your finest bubbly and meals for six!"
"What about me?" Dust said, sounding wounded.
"Oh and Dust too, I guess," Aqua said with a shrug.
"Absolutely not! How big is your tab anyway, bud?" Kazuma demanded, getting out from under Dust's arm and glaring at him.
Dust put a hand to his heart. "Kazuma, you wound me! I'll have you know I'm a fine, upstanding citizen these days, who even-"
The loud raspberry from Kazuma and the giggles from Aqua told Haruhi everything she needed to know about this guy. If he was Kazuma's friend, he was some sort of weird grifter or trickstertricksters. Which gave her pause, actually. Her dad did have some strange friends, but they were usually good people. So what was this Dust's story?
"Luna, honey, sweetie, tell them!" Dust said, turning to the woman in uniform. "I'm the guy who everyone turns to here in Axel now! The most upstanding of citizens!"
"Don't you honey and sweetie me, Dust," Luna said with a snort. She regarded Kazuma and Aqua for a moment, then looked over the others. "Huh, and you brought back a new Adventuring party too. Well, I'm not one to look a gift griffin in the beak. Have a seat, we'll bring you out something shortly."
They sat down at a table with Dust, who eagerly snapped his fingers at some of the other girls standing around at the edges of the room in uniform. There were also some other people who seemed to be Adventurers sitting around, wearing either armor and carrying melee weapons, or wearing robes and bearing staves. Haruhi did admit it looked like what she thought a typical fantasy Adventurer's guild did.
"T-they're staring at us," Mikuru said, cringing in her seat and clutching at her new staff.
"Don't worry about it, I'm sure they do that to all the fresh meat," Haruhi said, putting an arm around her friend's shoulders.
"And with a bunch of hotties in the party, no wonder! Kazuma, you had some real beauties with you before, but I see you picked up three more to boot!"
"What am I, chopped liver?" Kyon demanded, folding his arms and glaring at Dust.
"Meh, cannon fodder," Dust said with a shrug. "You look like some level one scrub with hay in his ears still. Just like Kazuma was back in the day! Ah, I remember back when we just started out questing together. I managed to heroically save your party from a swarm of goblins, while Rin helped you out with that beginner's bane…"
"That's not what happened to all!" Kazuma accused. "You thought I was some harem protagonist living the easy life and demanded we trade parties! You BEGGED to switch back after just one quest after seeing what I put up with!"
"Hey, what do you mean, put up with! You should have been honored to have a goddess, an archmage and a crusader tagging along with you!" Aqua huffed. "Especially since I was always having to bring you back to life!"
"Only because of your own hair brained schemes!" Kazuma snapped. Then he put his hands on the table and sighed, even as Aqua swelled up like she was about to explode. "But honestly…adventuring with you girls was just more fun than Rin, Keith, and Taylor."
That got Aqua to deflate, but Haruhi asked a question of her own. "So, you knew…my parents. What, ah…what were they like, back then?"
"Oh, you know, they were like an old married couple even back in the good old days!" Dust laughed, grinning widely as a waitress arrived with drinks. "They were always arguing and going at it, but they always drank and were friends again at the end of the day! Boy, Kazuma did like to chase skirt back in the day! Why, me and him, we'd go to the succubus shop and order up a special dream…but you don't want to hear about that. We'd chase other girls too. Had bets on who'd make it with them first! Why, I just about scored with his buddy Darkness one time when-"
"Daddy, what game did you play with Darkness?"
Dust just about fell off the bench, while Kazuma spat out his drink all over Kyon's face, causing the other boy to shout in displeasure and Yuki to jump up, looking around for enemies.
Aqua, however, looked down and smiled, then reached behind her and picked up a cute little boy in a red tanuki hoodie, complete with a tail sticking out behind him. "Oh, aren't you just the sweetest little thing! Who's your daddy, little boy?"
"Him," the boy said, pointing a pudgy little finger at Dust.
Aqua blinked, then looked over at the sheepish Dust. "Um, what are you doing at Daddy's work, Harv? I thought you were with mommy…"
"Oh he is, but Mommy heard that two someone's were back in town and she figured she should go make sure that daddy was working and not drinking on the job," a chipper female voice said.
Haruhi turned her head to see a woman of about 30 wearing a green blouse with a yellow smiley face badge pinned on the lapel, with a long pink skirt swishing about her ankles. Then she did a double take. Maybe that tanuki tail the boy had wasn't a part of his outfit, as his mother appeared to have a very natural tail that was standing straight up behind her.
"Rin, honey, sweetie, um, I was just-"
"Screwing around with Kazuma. I should have known," the woman sighed, coming over and picking her son up out of Aqua's lap. "Hey, Aqua. Long time no see. You're looking pretty good. And…huh, you too Kazuma. Guess one of you had to not go to seed."
"I have not gone to seed!" Dust cried, standing up.
Haruhi had to admit, if Rin thought Dust was out of shape, she'd hate to think what she thought of Kyon or even Mikuru. Dust seemed to be about 30 himself, and seemed to be in peak physical condition. He had a blond mustache that was a bit browner than his hair, and he wasn't even going bald like her own real father was. He didn't look like a bodybuilder and he did have some fat on him, but he didn't have much in the way of dad bod going on.
"That's only because I won't cook this greasy trash for you at home," Rin said with a snort. "No offense, Luna."
"None taken, I don't eat it myself," Luna said, coming over to serve everyone. The food looked good: golden fried meat on a bed of coleslaw, with a mug of ale to drink. Except for one dish. Dust got a leafy salad with some vegetables in it. "I made sure your husband stuck to his diet."
"Women. It's a global conspiracy, I tell you," Dust sighed to Kazuma. "Your wife lets you eat whatever you want, right?"
"We're not married," Kazuma said hastily. He pointed to Haruhi. "And she is NOT my daughter."
"I wonder what a paternity test would show?" Haruhi mused aloud. Not because she wanted to get one done, anything but that, but because messing with Kazuma was growing on her as a hobby.
Dust blinked and looked back and forth between Aqua and Kazuma, who were both looking away and shifting about nervously. "Wait, is Aqua…not the mother?"
"Dust, sweetie, she looks like she's an adult. Unless Kazuma started before we knew him, there's no way she's his daughter," Rin sighed, shifting the boy on her hip.
"Mommy I want some," he said, pointing to food on the table.
"Here kid. I'm not that hungry," Kazuma grumbled, handing the child a bit of fried meat.
Rin sighed as Harv eagerly started munching on the food, but allowed it. Apparently, she trusted Kazuma, which made Haruhi question her judgment.
"Hey, you weren't holding out on me about being a fellow you know what back in the day, right old chum?" Dust said, putting an arm over Kazuma's shoulders again and whispering loudly in his ear.
"Loser nerd?" Haruhi guessed.
"Arrogant ass?" Kyon muttered, still wiping off his face.
"NEET?" Aqua supplied.
Rin snorted. "Virgin."
"Rin! What about Harv!" Dust gasped, looking up at his wife in horror.
"Harv, what's a virgin?" Rin asked sweetly.
Harv swallowed, plenty of grease and breading all over his face. "The goddess Eris, 'cause she's pure and good an' kind and that's why I gotta brush my teeth or she won't be happy cause Eris like's clean teeth."
Rin gave her husband a flat look. "He's four. He won't even remember this or understand what it means."
"Eris isn't so pure or good," Aqua grumbled. "She pads her chest, you know."
Rin went bright red, and Harv asked loudly. "Mommy what are pads?"
"What I needed before I had you, sweetie. Why don't you go play with Auntie Lolisa over there while mommy talks with her friends," Rin said, pointing to a pink haired girl with a staff who was hiding nervously behind the service counter.
"'Kay," Harv agreed, and wandered off, still munching on his food.
Rin sat down and looked around the table, smiling. "Hi, I'm Rin, this ass's wife. I know Kazuma and Aqua, and the rest of you are?"
"I am Yuki Nagato, a humanoid interface of the Data Overmind," Yuki said before anyone else could open their mouths. "I am given to understand that guild locations such as this have data manipulation modules. I would like to access one."
Rin blinked and glanced at Luna, who was still hovering around in the background.
"Er, just call me Kyon. What Yuki here meant was she's played a couple of RPGs and she'd like to pick her class," Kyon translated, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Um, sure, we can do that," Luna agreed, frowning slightly. "You mean to tell me you don't have a class? But you're already carrying two rather large weapons…I assumed you were a Berserker or high level Warrior."
"Physically based classes tend to progress in a linear fashion and lack access to high level data manipulation skills that negatively affect their efficacy against late stage hostile forces," Yuki said in her usual monotone. "Conversely, classes that possess advanced data manipulation techniques have a quadratic curve in their performance, starting at a lower point than physically oriented careers but catching up at a predetermined point and rapidly surpassing. This is because while physical abilities are sufficient for overcoming mundane obstacles, later challenges require advanced techniques only conferred by those with superior data manipulation abilities."
Luna looked like a deer in the headlights, while Dust was muttering about how he hated math. Rin, however, was nodding. "I think I understand…you're calling magic 'data manipulation,' right?"
"Magic is a term for a poorly understood concept that transcends traditional physics models. Data manipulation techniques belong in the category of highly analyzed procedures for altering the mundane world through careful application of quantum mechanics," Yuki responded.
"She means yes," Kyon sighed.
Rin smirked. "Well, I'd have to agree that mages rule, knights drool. We always kick more butt in the end." She patted Dust's arm, as he still looked baffled, but seemed to recognize he'd been insulted. "Don't worry, dear, you still have a very nice butt."
"Well yeah! I do plenty of squats!" Dust bragged, then took a long pull of his ale and whispered to Kazuma. "Did you catch any of that?"
"Yeah, and it's why Adventurer is secretly an OP class. You can take any skill and apply it in new and creative ways instead of just hitting something very hard," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Well, I actually do want to pick out a class," Haruhi said, standing up. "Mom, dad, you catch up with your buddies. Come on guys, let's go make Yuki a wizard."
"We, uh, don't have any money," Kazuma quietly told Luna. "Could, er, we have a line of credit? You know I'm good for it…"
"Unlike certain people, you at least paid off your tab before you left," Luna said, eyeing Aqua who blushed and looked into her cup like there was something important inside. "But, after that speech, I sort of want to see what class that girl is suited for anyway. I'll give you the meals and the cards on the house. We need new Adventurers anyway, and someone told me you brought back a sack of demon heads. Call it a fair trade.'
Haruhi walked off as she heard Rin ask, "Wait, did you two adopt those kids or something? Though seriously Aqua, you don't look a day older than when you left! Neither does Kazuma! What's your facial routine? My body just hasn't been the same since I had Harv, and I've got another bun in the oven now…"
"YOU WHAT?!" Dust cried, jumping up.
"Sit down, dear, I was going to tell you, just after you got back from the battle. And we were busy last night so…"
Luna led the SOS Brigade, wait, was she forgetting someone? Over to a strange-looking blue globe with some odd gilded machinery around it. "This is a divine item that will help assign you a class. You've surely seen one before, right?"
"Looks like something out of an RPG I guess, does that count?" Kyon asked.
"We don't have classes in Japan," Haruhi said, stepping forward eagerly.
"But we do, we have Geometry, and Japanese, and History, and all the other ones like PE," Mikuru said, sounding confused.
"Uh, I don't think Geometry is a class?" Luna said uncertainly. She gestured to the globe. "Just put your hands over the crystal and we'll make you an Adventurer's card."
Haruhi eagerly put her hands over the globe, which suddenly exploded with brilliant blue light.
WELCOME, GODDESS OF BELZERG.
Haruhi cried out in shock and pulled her hand away. She looked around, but the others were just blinking. "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Kyon asked.
Yuki nodded. "It is oscillating at a high frequency."
"You shouted, did it hurt?" Mikuru asked nervously, stepping to hide behind Haruhi.
"No, I just…" Haruhi shook her head, and Luna took a small card that emerged from the bottom of the sphere.
"Well, let's see. Oh my! Well, you definitely have the stats to be Aqua's daughter! I'll never forget when I saw her card! All your stats are already maxed out! Intelligence, Stamina, Dexterity, even Luck! I guess you get that from your father, if he really is Kazuma?"
Luna made that last a question, and Haruhi shrugged, holding out her hand. "He's still figuring that out. Let me see."
Luna handed the card over, and Haruhi glanced at it. In every single stat, it read 9999, and she had several skills listed already. Divine Blade Technique, World Song, Greater Patron of Creation, Muse of the Arts, Born Lucky, Grant Divine Blessing, the list was so long it didn't all fit in the card, and was helpfully scrolling by steadily.
"Can you read that?" Kyon asked, frowning at the card. "Looks like gobbledygook to me."
"Yeah, it's in plain…oh." Haruhi blinked and realized that it wasn't in Japanese at all. "Huh. I guess this is like when I realized I could read English. And French. And speak French…and German."
"You what?" Kyon said, looking up.
"Yes, you've got Speak in Tongues right here," Luna said, pointing. "Wow, that's a lot of languages! I've never even heard of most of these…"
"We went to Paris once, I sort of got lost and didn't realize no one around me was speaking Japanese. I was upset until I just walked up and started talking to people and they talked back and I understood them. I mean, I'd been reading a pocket dictionary my dad got me, so, you know, I just thought…" Haruhi trailed off and shrugged.
"Well, you qualify for any class I can think of, including Advanced Classes!" Luna said excitedly. "You could be a Crusader, an Archpriestest, or…huh. I've never seen this class before."
"Oh of course," Kyon muttered. "She would get a special snowflake class."
Haruhi ignored him and highlighted the class at the top of her list. It said "SOS Brigade Chief." Somehow…somehow it just felt right. "I think I'll choose this one."
"Wait, hold up," Kyon said, leaning over Haruhi's shoulder. He frowned at Luna. "How do you get classes?"
"Well, you have to meet certain requirements to unlock them, and then meet someone who is of that class to unlock it for you." Luna gestured to her magic globe. "This one is inscribed with the basic classes; Fighter, Thief, Archer, Priest, Monk, Wizard, and of course Adventurer. It also has several advanced classes; Warrior, Crusader, Ranger, Arch Priest, Master Monk, Arch Wizard, and Runeknight. There are a few other Advanced classes that are somewhat less common that you'd have to seek out, like Dragon Knight, Assassin, Spell Blade, and Swordsmaster."
"So how come Haruhi has a class you've never seen before?" Kyon demanded. "It's not like a joke class, is it?"
"Well, I don't know," Luna admitted. "There are forbidden classes, like Necromancer, Dark Priest, Warlock, those sorts of things. But there are also powerful unique classes, like Heroic Princess or Divine Champion. They're very rare, and usually conferred by the gods for a mighty deep, or from unique heritage. This could be one of those…I just don't know."
"Yuki?" Kyon asked, looking at the short alien.
Haruhi reluctantly handed over her card, and Yuki studied it for a moment. "Analysis incomplete: data modules still offline."
"Well, maybe Yuki should pick a class then," Kyon suggested. He shrugged. "Your call I guess, Haruhi."
Sighing, Haruhi nodded and stepped to the side. "Yeah, you're up Yuki."
Nagato stepped forward and put her hand on the sphere. There was another flash, though it wasn't as bright.
"Well, let's just see what your card-" Luna began, and then she squeaked as a powerful wind swept up, whipping everyone's clothes and hair as Yuki's skirt billowed about her.
"Data Analysis modules restored. Running diagnostic. Please wait," Yuki said, though Haruhi heard her more with her mind than she did with her ears. "Diagnostic complete: 10,567 errors detected. Integrating errors."
"Wait, what!?" Kyon gasped. He staggered forward against the wind, putting his hand on Yuki's back. "No, wait, what are you-"
There was another flash of light, and Yuki spoke again. "Integration complete. New data. Analyzing new data set. Analysis complete. Physics engine updated."
Yuki slowly floated back down to the floor as the wind died down. She turned to Kyon, and held up her card. "Please choose."
Haruhi squinted, then gasped. Where once she saw one Yuki…now there were two. And someone else.
Kyon blinked and found himself standing beside Yuki amidst a sea of stars. He looked around in confusion, uncertain of what was going on.
"What in the world?!" a strange woman gasped, dropping a bundle of clothes in her arms. She had on a strange feathery mantle but had been pulling off a bulky gray dress. Underneath she had on green pants and a tube top, and she seemed to be pulling off a set of heels to put on practical boots. "How did you even- who are you?!"
"I am Yuki Nagato. This is Kyon," his girlfriend said, nodding. "You must be the local administrator."
"Uh….yes?" the woman said, adjusting her crooked hat. "Um, I'm not sure what pantheon you're from, but everything is under control here! I was just going down to meet with my senior, but…hold on. He's human!"
"Er, yeah?" Kyon said, frowning.
"And you're not a goddess! You're…huh. Well, you're a lot like my avatar…but someone did NOT turn off the hacks when they made you," the woman said, pacing around Yuki. "What are you doing?"
"I am choosing my class," Yuki stated flatly. "Or rather; Kyon shall choose my class. I lack sufficient data to determine the optimal outcome."
"Woah hold on, that's a lot of responsibility," Kyon said, shaking his head. "You should do this, Yuki."
"I cannot. I need…I need your help," Yuki said. She gestured, and next to her, a second copy of Yuki appeared. This one, however, was wearing glasses, and her school uniform. A shadow fell over the original Yuki, and she froze.
The copy let out a squeak, and shied back. "Kyon! Kyon, you have to pick! I-I'm not sure which of me you like better, um, but-"
"Yuki…" Kyon reached out and pulled the live one into a one arm hug, then set his other hand on the frozen version. "I told you. I'm in love with the real you. You don't have to be something you're not for me."
"Oh, that is so sweet!" the other woman cooed. She walked around the avatar, smiling. "Damn, you ARE good at this! But you've got to work on splitting your consciousness between the human avatar and the divine vessel."
Glasses Yuki nodded nervously, and then the other Nagato came to life in Kyon's arms. "Kyon. I have two choices. I may make myself fully human here, with all of my past memories. I would remain me, but become something else."
"Or, um, well, I can choose to be a humanoid interface," Glasses Yuki said. "But, I'm worried. I…I don't know how our relationship will work! I love you, or at least…I think I do? Human emotions are so hard for me to understand…"
"It's OK, sister," the other woman said, coming over and putting a hand on both Yuki's shoulders. "That's something all goddesses have to work through. I picked my path, but…well, it's tough."
"Yuki is a goddess?" Kyon shook his head. "No, wait, she's a humanoid interface. She's an alien, not a god."
"Well, I mean, at the end of the day, what are we gods?" the woman said with a shrug. "I used to be mortal, you know. But then I ascended. Me, I was human. But I've seen inanimate objects, animals, concepts…all sorts of things can achieve apotheosis under the right circumstances. Yuki Nagato here? Well, she's more than powerful enough to call herself divine. Shoot, even in my own domain, it'd be hard to tell her no."
"What I want is to be with you, Kyon. You are my fetish," Robo Yuki said.
"Um, what she means is…" Glasses Yuki blushed and looked away. "Oh! This is so hard to say, but um…"
"She wants to jump your bones, kid," the other woman said in a stage whisper.
Robo Yuki nodded, while Glasses Yuki let out a squeak and shook her head. "N-not first! Um, w-we have to kiss, a-and hold hands, a-and go on a date…and then…um…well…we do love each other…"
"Copulation is the end goal of human relations, and I wish to experience it with you," Yuki stated.
Kyon coughed and blushed. "Um, I think other you might have some right ideas there. We're kinda young, and well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested but…well, we've kissed, but I do want to take it kinda slow…"
"Smart move, kid!" the other goddess said, giving him a thumbs up. "At least go for some heavy petting first. Experiment a little! Man, you two make such a cute couple…"
"So, um, if you choose human me…I'll become an Arch Wizard," Glasses Yuki said, looking up at Kyon. "W-we'll be a normal human couple…it might be hard sometimes, it always is in the really good books…b-but I won't be an alien…I'll still be your Yuki, but I'll be human."
"If you chose my original form, I do not know what path we will follow," Robo Yuki said, meeting Kyon's gaze. "I will not be human. I do not know if we will be capable of having offspring."
"Eh, Belzerg is on the Lego DNA setup. Aqua couldn't handle anything more complicated, and I think cross species shipping is cute," the goddess said with a shrug.
"Quite you," Kyon growled. Then he winced. Should he really talk to god that way? Well, he talked to Haruhi that way, so….well it wasn't like you could go to hell twice was it?
The goddess however giggled and made a lock lips motion.
"Yuki, I already told you. I love you. Do you want to be human? Or do you want to be a humanoid interface?" Kyon demanded.
Both Yukis hesitated, then looked at one another.
"I-I don't know," Glasses Yuki admitted.
"I was not programmed to make choices," Robo Yuki added.
"I think you're just scared," Kyon said. He let both Yuki's go, and took a step back. He closed his eyes. "You pick. Then kiss me. I'll love you no matter what you pick."
The goddess gave a happy sigh. "So romantic…why couldn't Kazuma be like that?'
Kyon cracked one eye, and the goddess pulled one eyelid down and stuck her tongue out at him. He shut his eyes again. Goddesses were just brats, he decided.
There was a moment of silence, then someone tugged on Kyon's tie. He bent down, and swept Yuki into his arms, kissing her thoroughly.
"Thank you," she whispered. "For choosing me."
"Always," Kyon said, and opened his eyes. He frowned. She still had on the glasses. "What are those for?"
"I am seeing if you have a glasses fetish," Yuki said seriously. There was just a hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth.
"Well, if you're wearing them, maybe I do," Kyon chuckled. He looked over at the goddess. "Uh, how do we go back?"
"I'll just send you on your way," the goddess promised. She started chanting a spell, silver runes appearing around her. Then she hesitated. "Is…is Aqua there with you?"
"Yes," Yuki stated. "Are you Chris or Eris?"
"Uh, right now I'm sort of halfway in between, I was going to go as myself but in disguise," Eris admitted. "Where are you? The guildhall in Axel, right?"
"Yeah, think so," Kyon agreed.
"Super, be right there. Don't go anywhere! And remember: First time, use protection."
Yuki nodded while Kyon made only strangled noises. Then the stars vanished, and he was back in the Axel Guildhall.
"Who was that?!" Haruhi demanded, stepping forward. "I saw you guys with her, but I couldn't hear you! What happened to the other Yuki?!"
"There is only one Yuki Nagato," Yuki stated. "I am a Humanoid Interface."
"Um, that's what your class card says," Luna agreed. "It looks like a racial class? That's…odd..because your stats…um, well, they're not completely maxed out but…"
Kyon glanced at Yuki's card, and saw that most of the numbers were just as high as Haruhi's. However, some like Charisma, Luck, and Wisdom were significantly lower. Well, maybe Yuki wasn't perfect, but she was for Kyon.
"What about me?" Mikuru asked, hesitantly stepping forward. Luna motioned, and Mikuru put her hand on the sphere. After a brief flash, it spat out a card.
"Oh, it says you're already a priestess, of the- Axis Cult!? But I thought- You still exist?!" Luna demanded.
"Um, Aqua is right over there," Mikuru said, pointing.
Luna blinked. "Oh, that's true. I suppose she survived after all…well, there are rumors there are a few hold outs, but…well. I guess…you were always good in a fight?"
"N-not really, um, b-but I will help my friends!" Mikuru vowed.
"That's nice," Luna said, and motioned Kyon forward.
The experience was much less exciting than Kyon had thought. He just felt a mild tingle when the light flashed, and then his card spat out. Luna picked it up, glanced at it, and shrugged. "You've got average physical stats, slightly above average intelligence, above average luck, and a pretty good wisdom score. Still, you're really only qualified for Adventurer or priest, though you barely make it for monk."
Kyon glanced over at Kazuma, who was still talking with his old companion. A slow smile spread over his lips, and he turned back to Luna. "Well, I guess I'm the skill monkey. I'll be the Adventurer. And I know just the guy to teach me how to cheese it."
For some reason, Luna crossed her legs and grimaced.