Special thanks to my patron Jman for ensuring this madness reaches a conclusion. We're close now.
And as always, special thanks to Dr_Feelgood and The Grand Cogitator for beta reading.
Ever since he'd awakened to his powers, Itsuki Koizumi had thought he had seen it all when it came to the supernatural, and that he was ready to face whatever threats came his way. Sure, some of them might be world destroying super aliens, but he had an organization of powerful espers to back him up, as well as what amounted to the power of God and Anime on his side. Or perhaps the God of Anime.
He would never admit to that last one publicly though, it sounded too silly.
What he wasn't prepared for, however, was to watch one of his classmates get into a fight with a track and field gold medalist, while both of them employed a number of powers and abilities that made his mind want to scream "that's bullshit!"
Previously, Itsuki would have sworn that no human could have stopped a humanoid interface going all out, and that the best way to fight one was through maneuver and diplomacy so that it never came to blows. What he did NOT expect was to see someone pull out a sword and duel a humanoid interface who was wielding a pair of razor blades, or that this person would then proceed to use gadgets seemed to be falling out of his coat, from what looked like itching powder, to some sort of home made EMP, to a goddamn claymore mine.
"Is he INSANE?!" Istuki panted as he hid behind a low brick wall as the car park behind him continued to be utterly torn asunder by Asakura and Seiya. Flashbang grenades, holes in reality, and the clash of steel resounded, all while both combatants moved and reacted faster than should have been humanly possible. "Or does he just have some sort of BS power set from another world too?!"
"As far as I can tell, he lost his powers just as much as Tiana or Thalia," Kazuma the Elder said conversationally as he and his wife hid alongside Itsuki. "He just kept is stupid base stats."
"No, those got hit too, he took a massive level drain. He just did the same cheat you did at least once, so even resetting to level one let him keep higher skills than any human should have," Thalia said conversationally.
"And where is he getting all this stuff from? How is he even slowing down a humanoid interface long enough to fight it?!" Koizumi demanded, then pointed to the third combatant. "AND HOW IS SHE ENJOYING THIS!?"
Half the reason Seiya seemed to be doing so well was that Darkness had managed to distract Asakura for most of the fight, and was increasingly frustrating the humanoid interface by the fact that all of her blows and cuts were doing at worst superficial damage, and at best causing the big blonde woman to gasp and moan in pleasure.
"This is silly. What are they even proving now? And where is Haruhi?" Isuki demanded, turning to her parents. "Come on, fess up, you know! This has happened before, right?"
"Not exactly," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Our version was a little different."
"How?" Koizumi demanded suspiciously.
Kazuma looked him square in the eye. "You were dead, for one thing."
That knocked the wind out of Koizumi, and he swallowed. This was a possibility. He had to be willing to sacrifice himself, to do the right thing so that Haruhi-
"No he wasn't!" Thalia said, slapping her husband upside the back of his head. She turned and smiled at Koizumi. "Things were really different for us. For one thing, it happened when we were still at school, with Subaru, and, well, Tanya…it was just really different. We're versions of the Kazuma and, um, Aqua that you know, but…"
"She's gotten a lot smarter since she removed that stat cap. Or rather, since I removed it for her," Kazuma said smugly. Thalia glared at him, and he added, "And she's gotten more beautiful every day."
"Ok, but how do we stop THAT?" Itsuki demanded, pointing.
"Well, you could use your incredible esper powers Mr. Know-It-All," Thalia said, rolling her eyes.
"Or we could wait," Kazuma added, folding his arms behind his head and laying back down as the battle continued.
Peeking over the wall, Itsuki frowned. He didn't want any of the heat that was going down over there. He was a fairly strong esper to be certain, but any attack that could even slow down a humanoid interface would likely level the entire parking lot and kill the two people he was least interested in destroying. "What are we waiting for?"
There was the squeal of tires, and an expensive looking sports car skidded around the corner, then raced towards the battlefield. Itsuki blinked, spotting a blue haired woman at the wheel, while another stuck her head out of the side window, long green hair whipping in the wind.
"Is that…Tsuruya?"
The combatants noticed the car, with Seiya shuffling around to move out of the way of its trajectory, while Asakura sniffed and looked disgusted.
"A simple car? How boring. I was hoping for something more interesting. At least you're providing me with-"
At that moment, Darkness dropped the tire iron she'd been using as a weapon and ran forward, grabbing Asakura and pinning her arms to her sides as she turned, putting the humanoid interface, and by extension herself, directly in the path of the speeding car.
"Wait! Are you insane!? That will hurt you just as much as me!" Asakura gasped.
Darkness groaned and smiled. "Yes, I'm looking forward to it!"
Asakura stopped struggling and turned to look at Darkness with confused horror. "What?"
Just before the car impacted them, both the driver and the passenger lept free, hauling behind them twin chains that had massive spiked balls at the end. To Itsuki's shock, the car crushed Asakura, but when it hit Darkness, it was like it completely lost all momentum, as if the laws of physics simply turned off when they came into contact with the amazonian PE teacher. The car itself crumpled like it was made of aluminum foil, leaving Darkness looking vaguely disappointed.
"That did not hurt as much as I thought it would," Darkness said, still hugging the now limp Asakura.
"Aww, did she die already?" Tsuruya asked, whirling a steel ball above her head that looked like it weighed more than she did. "I wanted to fight!"
"Hey, Rem!" Thalia said, standing up and brushing herself off. She waved awkwardly. "Um, how's my favorite oni?"
"Lady Thalia," Tsuruya's mother said, bowing slightly. She nodded to Itsuki. "Mr. Koizumi. I believe you have met my husband and daughter. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Rem Natsuki."
"You're the yakuza demon queen. I've heard of you," Itsuki said, returning her bow. He hesitated, then glanced at Tsuruya, who had dropped her weapon and gone over to poke Asakura. "Are you…aware of the situation?"
"I know Thalia's daughter is in danger. And I am…aware of who she is." Rem looked around, brushing a bit of her long blue hair behind her ear. "Where is Haruhi?"
"That's the billion yen question," Kazuma said, coming to stand beside his wife and looking grim. "She's finally figured out who she is, and told us, so at least that nonsense is finally over. God, she was such a bitch before she was our daughter."
"Kazuma! Don't talk about the Chief Goddess that way," Thalia said, but then she shuddered. "I hope…I hope our little girl is OK…"
"Wait, who was she before?" Itsuki said, growing excited. "You don't mean-"
"Look, she's mostly just Haruhi, and my daughter now," Kazuma interrupted. "But before that, she was-"
"Amaterasu-Ōmikami!?" Itsuki gasped. "I knew it! I knew she was an incarnation of the spirit of Japan! Ha! I've been right all along."
"That's kinda true? That was one name for the Chief Goddess," Thalia agreed.
Itsuki looked around the shattered parking lot, grinning broadly. "Well, we seem to have dealt with this mess. Let's go find her. Where is she?"
"That might not be so simple," Rem said with a shake of her head. "News is already spreading that something has happened to Haruhi. And if she's gone where I suspect…"
"Hey, Robot McStabbity isn't dead!" Tsuruya cried, poking at Asakura. "Come on, we can fight her?"
Darkness shook her head and hugged the unconscious alien tighter. "She is too dangerous for that. As long as she is under my Anti-Magic aura, she can be contained. But we must decide what to do. Kazuma, where have you and Aqua gone with Haruhi?"
"I don't know," Kazuma sighed. "But knowing my daughter and myself, they're probably causing all kinds of trouble."
"Step right up, step right up for the first annual SOS Brigade BATTLE OF THE BANDS!" Haruhi called, waving fliers. At some point, Mikuru had appeared with bunny girl costumes for both herself and Cecily, though Haruhi wasn't really sure how her timid friend had known Cecily's figure. Now, all three of them were waving about fliers and recruiting people, the festival in full swing behind them.
There were now dozens of different booths and stalls, with half a dozen varieties of food both from Japan and Belzerg, as well as a variety of fun carnival games. The "Catch the Cabbage" game was very popular, with a greased up vegetable beating the snot out of most of the fools who tried to wrestle it to the ground. There was also the traditional goldfish catching pool, the untraditional skeeball and mackerel growing, and several mask stalls.
For something Haruhi had come up with at the spur of the moment only a few hours ago, the festival was coming together remarkably well. They even had another act signed up already, a Pop Idol/Adventurer crew called Axel Hearts. Haruhi was hoping to drum up at least a few more acts, as otherwise it wouldn't be very much fun. Even if she was obviously going to win anyway.
She was just passing out fliers to several very enthusiastic young men, when Kazuma came up to the cart she was standing on.
"Hey, Aqua and I quit."
"What?!" Haruhi demanded, whirling about. "You can't quit!"
Chris and Aqua came up to stand beside Kazuma, with Chris rolling her eyes and putting a hand on Kazuma's shoulder. "What my friend here means to say is that he and I are going to be in an act together. You can call us the 'Silver Masked Bandits' or perhaps 'Fortune and the Fool.'"
"And I'm going to do an act too!" Aqua said brightly.
As the others talked, Haruhi noticed that Cecily had dived under the cart, and was currently doing her best to make herself as small as possible behind one of the wheels, trembling and looking out at Aqua as if she'd seen a ghost. Seeing her there gave Haruhi an idea though, so she hopped down off her card and frowned at Cecily. "Hey. Can you play guitar?"
"Umm…m-maybe?" Cecily stammered, peering through the wheel spokes at Haruhi.
"Ah, Cecily's a great musician! She was in the very First Axis Day Festival! She was my favorite priestess, but don't tell anyone," Aqua said, squatting down with Haruhi and making Cecily flinch. She waved brightly. "Hi, Cecily! Sorry I was gone so long."
"Um, h-hello, Lady Aqua. I…" Cecily slowly crawled out from under the cart, sniffling and wiping away tears. "...you're not mad at me?"
"Huh? Why would I be mad at you?" Aqua asked, cocking her head to one side.
"Which girls did you perv on this time, Cecily?" Kazuma asked, sighing.
"N-none of them!" Cecily protested, standing up and glaring at Kazuma. "And what have you done with our goddess, Kazuma!? Where was she, and where were you for all these years?! You defeated the Devil King and vanished."
"Vacation," Kazuma deadpanned, while Aqua stood and looked embarrassed, trying to hide behind Kazuma.
"Oh." Cecily deflated, slumping and letting a few of her fliers slip from her hands. "I…I'm sorry for abandoning you, Lady Aqua. It's just…so many had already lost faith, and Zesta had already died, and, well…I didn't want to die too…so I ran away…"
Aqua gasped. "Cecily! What does the Axis Cult teach about running away!?"
"Sometimes, running away is winning?" Cecily guessed, looking up hopefully.
"Exactly!" Aqua agreed, grabbing Cecily around the shoulders and pointing off into the sky. "So, now that I'm retiring from being a goddess, don't think of it as me running away or abandoning my responsibilities! I'm just winning! Just like you!"
"Oh, thank you, thank you lady Aqua!" Cecily wept, hugging Aqua tightly. "This is why you are the most amazing goddess!"
"Yeah, yeah," Haruhi said, collaring Cecily and dragging her away. "We've got to find Kyon and Yuki and get to practicing."
"B-but, Lady Aqua!" Cecily protested, half resisting.
"Yeah, yeah, you're in the SOS Brigade now Missy, and I'm the Chief! Come on, Mikuru, you can be in the band too."
"M-me!?" Asahina gasped, catching up and nervously clutching her fliers to her chest. "B-but I don't know how to play any instruments!"
"Eh, it's fine, I taught Kyon, I can teach you," Haruhi said, pausing in her dragging of Cecily. She regarded both girls, rubbing her chin. "Hmm. Cecily's got that older sister vibe going on, with her blonde hair and medium size. But Mikuru's boobs are just so much bigger, and she's just so precious and cute! I think we need a costume change. We can't ALL be bunny girls."
"I mean, I think Mikuru can be a bunny girl," Cecily said, glancing at the other woman and wiping away a bit of drool from her lips.
"No, that's my thing," Haruhi said with a shake of her head. "Yuki was a witch, so you two have to be something else."
"W-what about a miko?" Mikuru suggested hopefully.
Haruhi nodded, already plotting her victim's costume. "Perfect! A miko is a classic icon of Japan! A fitting uniform for the SOS brigade."
"Heh heh, she'll look great in that," Cecily agreed, taking Mikuru by the shoulders and rubbing them eagerly. "What about me, Lady Haruhi?"
"Hmm, you give off more of the classical nun and habit vibe. Where could we get one of those?" Haruhi wondered.
Cecily blushed, letting go of Mikuru and turning her back to the other two. "I…might have an old Axis Priestess uniform in my bags somewhere… I think it still fits…"
"I-I'll go with Cecily and help her with her habit, a-and make my own uniform!" Mikuru agreed eagerly.
"Perfect. Meet us at the stage in half an hour to practice." Haruhi touched both Mikuru and Cecily's foreheads, making both women gasp in shock. "There you go. That should be all the information you need to play with us. You can be on keyboard, Mikuru."
"What's a keyboard?" Cecily asked, frowning.
Haruhi waved a dismissive hand. "I'll have Yuki help me make one. You can play guitar now, right?"
"Of course! Heh heh, I've always had magic fingers. Want to see, Mikuru?" Cecily asked, waggling her fingers suggestively.
"Sure, I'd like to see you play," Mikuru agreed, totally obliviously.
"You two go have fun and get those outfits, I'll get Kyon and Yuki ready!" Haruhi ordered, and watched as the two women scurried off to Cecily's apartment. For a moment, Haruhi wondered if she should be concerned about Cecily trying to steal her girlfriend.
"Eh, it probably doesn't matter. I'm sure I can find other ways to have fun in a fantasy world," Haruhi said with a shrug, and turned around to go locate Yuki and Kyon to practice for their battle of the bands.
Meanwhile, Kazuma, Chris, and Aqua had gone back to the Adventurer's guild, and taken a booth in the far corner. Luna and the other girls were all gone, cooking food and dressed in outrageously scanty uniforms to promote the festival.
"You know, I'm kinda jealous," Chris observed, looking out the window at the excited bustle. "No one gets this excited for MY festivals." She turned to Aqua and gave her a flat look. "Even when someone ditches me for ten years."
"Um, sorry, ah, Chris. Eris? Are you really sure you're Eris?" Aqua asked, frowning at Chris. "Eris always wears makeup on her scar, and pads her chest. I mean, I guess I can sort of see the…" Aqua blinked, then rounded on Kazuma in outrage. "KAZUMA! WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME THAT CHRIS IS ERIS!?"
"Honestly, it took me a few visits to figure it out. I'm surprised you never connected the dots before," Kazuma said, sitting with his head in one hand and seeming rather nonplussed.
"I actually avoided you for a few months until I realized you had no clue who I was," Chris chuckled. She pulled out a bottle she'd stolen from the back when no one was looking, and three glasses, which she poured for each of them. "Now you notice? Took you long enough."
"I…I'm sort of mortal now," Aqua admitted, accepting the glass. "I guess…things just look different now. When I saw you…I just…I figured it out. I don't know why I didn't before…"
"Thanks. And what's this performance we're doing?" Kazuma asked, frowning at Chris.
"You know Eiko?" Chris asked.
Kazuma nodded. "Yeah, the pop idol with the stage manager with the weird gimmick?"
"That's the one! So don't worry about it. And congratulations to the happy couple!" Chris held out her glass, grinning expectantly.
Kazuma and Aqua exchanged a look, then looked away from one another, blushing.
"We, um, we haven't…Kazuma and I…we have to tell Megumin first!" Aqua blurted.
"Yeah, honestly, I haven't worked all this out in my own head," Kazuma admitted. He sighed, picking up the glass and taking a long pull. "I just…I can't imagine life without Aqua. Even settling down with Megumin…I'd like Aqua to still be there, to hang out on weekends, or go on quests…"
"I can't imagine you not being there either," Aqua said, turning back towards Kazuma, tears trickling down her face. "I think about you getting old and dying all the time. I know you'd have kids, but…that's just not the same. You're my bestest buddy, and…and I want to spend the rest of my life with you…"
Kazuma turned back to Aqua, taking her hands. "I know. It's just…I didn't want to think of you as a girl. You never seemed interested in me, and, well…I couldn't handle my best friend rejecting me. Plus, Megumin is cute, and she was interested in me, so…I mean I went for that. Why not?"
"Wait, you two…you haven't done anything yet?" Chris asked, looking back and forth in confusion. "Then how the heck is a baby goddess with Aqua's fingerprints all over her here, and why does she smell like the Chief Goddess too? Did you two-time Aqua with the Chief, Kazutrash!? Because that's low, even for a panty thief like you!"
"I am ENTIRELY innocent of that!" Kazuma argued, pointing a finger at Chris. "And I can still steal your panties!"
Aqua frowned, scooting closer to Kazuma unconsciously. "I don't know…how that happened, actually. I thought she was the Chief Goddess…but now that you mention it…she does sort of seem like an Axis Cultist, doesn't she?"
"Well she's crazy, has too much energy, and more power than any three other goddesses combined, so I say she's a pretty good match for you," Chris said, rolling her eyes.
"How have things been here, anyway, Chris?" Kazuma asked.
Aqua nodded. "Yeah. Everyone seems really down. Weren't you looking over things?"
"Oh, I am, but I'm just one junior goddess. I can only do so much! The Chief Goddess vanished, you vanished, heaven's in an uproar! No one can decide on what to do about anything, and I'm just trying to keep Belzerg from going off the deep end! It's been a nightmare to make sure mana doesn't dry up completely! It doesn't help that the demonic activity increased, all thanks to that brat Komekko. She declared herself the new Devil King and raised an army! It was all I could do to get the gang back together and stop her, even with the Queen's help."
"The queen?" Kazuma asked. He went bright red. "You don't mean…"
"Her Royal Majesty Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg the Second, Sword of the Realm and Bane of two Devil Queens rules from her capital, and has for three years now." Chris winked at Kazuma. "She's quite a cutie, and all grown up at twenty one! Still single too, though she's engaged to Revi to become her crown prince, though the wedding was delayed after Elroad fell."
"Oh hell," Kazuma groaned, putting his head in his hands.
"Well at least you won't be a pedo-NEET if you thirst after her now," Aqua huffled, folding her arms under her breasts and sniffing.
"Oh relax. It's between you and Megumin," Kazuma said, looking up in irritation. "And honestly…I just don't know. You weren't SUPPOSED to make my heart go doki-doki, you know?"
"Well I wasn't supposed to fall for a filthy mortal, and I ended up falling for the filthiest of all," Aqua harrumphed.
"Did…did you really fall for me?" Kazuma asked, slowly sitting up.
Aqua leaned in a little closer, blinking away tears. "I…I didn't mean to…you're rude, and perverted, and lazy. But…but you're my best friend! It's so much fun with you! And you're smart, and you always looked out for me…even when I got eaten by smelly toads…"
"And you're a good for nothing useless goddess. You're always drunk, wasting my money, and causing problems. But you never abandoned me, and whenever things got tough, you were there for me. You always comforted me when I needed it, and accepted me, even if I am a lazy pervert," Kazuma breathed, leaning in close to Aqua.
Both of them were blushing and breathing hard, and Aqua closed her eyes, tilting her face up to Kazuma's. They leaned in closer, and-
"SQUEEEEEEE!"
The sudden squeal caused the two to come to their senses and jerk apart, both feeling like their faces were horribly sunburnt. They turned to see Chris with her hands pressed to her cheeks, a delighted grin on her face, eyes sparkling.
"You're just so PRECIOUS together!" Chris gasped. "Senpai, I never thought you'd fall for a man! And Kazuma! I was pulling for Darkness because she's my friend, but this is even BETTER! You two are such an amazing disaster together! Oh, oh I have to see what your children will be like! Wait, I HAVE seen what your children will be like!"
Chris burst out in hysterics, falling sideways back onto the booth and clutching her belly. "HA HA HA! Oh, oh I bet Haruhi is just the WORST child! Ha ha! All the brains of Kazuma, the looks of Aqua, and both a perverted and ditzy streak! SNORT! HA HA! Oh, oh this is the best pairing EVER! Even better than Rista and that hunky heartthrob of hers with no sense of humor!"
Aqua and Kazuma both looked down at Chris in disgust, and after about a minute she composed herself and sat back up, wiping away tears and giggling still.
"I hope you're happy, Chief," Kazuma grumbled. "We'll make you do the wedding."
"And here I thought when I imagined marrying you I'd be the one doing the ceremony instead of the bride," Aqua muttered.
"Well, that settles it then," Chris said, standing. "Now, Kazuma, come on. We're going to prove why Eris is the best Goddess of Belzerg. Even if I'm glad Haruhi is here, there's no way I'm giving up my place in the popularity rankings to her!"
"But what about Megumin?" Kazuma demanded, standing. "I, look! I'm not dating Aqua, let alone marrying her, until I talk with her first! I mean, it's been ten years…is she even still interested in me?"
"Despite my best efforts, she and Yunyun really are just roommates," Chris sighed, shaking her head. "She's still carrying a torch for you Kazuma, and I- is your nose bleeding?"
Kazuma blinked and hastily wiped away a bit of blood from his nostril. "Huh? No, why would you think that?"
"Ugh, you would be into yuri," Aqua complained. "Next, you'll be imagining me and Eris together."
"Heh heh heh," Kazuma sniggered, blood trickling out his other nostril. Both women smacked him upside the back of his head.
"PERVERT!"
"You're the one who likes him," Chris said, shaking her head. "What do you see in him?"
"I dunno, what do YOU see in him, Miss Silver Masked Thief? He even stole your panties!" Aqua said, throwing her hands up.
"Well…he's fun. And lucky. And someone had to look after my senpai while she was walking the world," Chris said, putting an arm around Aqua's waist.
"Thanks. I…I did miss you, Eris. Chris? Argh! This is too confusing!" Aqua wailed.
"Relax, I'll be dressed as Eris for the performance tonight," Chris promised. She frowned, regarding Aqua. "What sort of performance are you putting on?"
Aqua looked down at her hands, then clenched them into fists. "I made my choice."
The sun had already set, and people were busting out the entirely improbable for a fantasy setting glow sticks (helpfully provided by Haruhi and Aqua) for the idol concert. To Kyon's surprise, there were a good thousand or so people packed into the town square where the stage had been built. In the dark, and with so many of them wearing festive yukatas from one of the stalls, it was hard to tell they weren't in Japan. These were just…people.
The flying vegetables with glow sticks stuck to them that zipped around overhead were very much NOT Japanese, but what could you do?
"You heard of these 'Axel Hearts' people before?" Kyon asked Kazuma, looking at his clipboard as the first act trooped onto the stage.
"Nah. They look like someone's weird OC idols jammed into a setting that doesn't need them," Kazuma opined. "What are their names?"
"Cecily, Erika, and Lia," Kyon read off the clipboard. He made a face. "That Erika girl asked me three times if I thought she was cute."
"I have marked her as a potential threat," Yuki stated, glaring at the redhead who was waving to the crowd.
"Relax, you're the cutest one here," Kyon told her, smiling at Yuki.
Yuki nodded, but continued to glare at the rival group. Well, glare for her. Everyone else would have figured she was blankly staring at Erika, but Kyon could see the slight tightening around the corners of her eyes, and how tense her shoulders were. He sighed, setting down the clipboard and rubbing Yuki's shoulders. After a moment, she broke her death glare, and relaxed, closing her eyes and smiling faintly.
"That is strangely soothing. I require additional datae: do not cease this."
"Mhmmm," Kyon agreed. "You nervous? We're on next."
Axel Hearts started singing some very generic pop ballads. Something about "Bright Show."
Kyon blinked, then stuck his pinky in his ear and wiggled it around. "Are they…is that gratuitous English that they're using?"
"Oh yeah, Lia's from Japan!" Aqua said helpfully. "She was one of the heroes I sent to Belzerg before I met Kazuma!"
That made Kyon shake his head. Yuki opened her eyes and gave a disappointed sigh (well, more like a slight puff of air), so Kyon started rubbing her shoulders again. Yuki nodded slightly, and relaxed again. Maybe she really was nervous? Even Kyon had a hard time reading her sometimes.
The pop group finished their song, and Kyon picked up the drumset with a grunt, hauling it out onto the stage. The others quickly set up, as Haruhi strode to the front and waved to the crowd.
"HOW ARE WE ALL DOING TONIGHT!?"
There were scattered cheers and applause, and Haruhi put her hand to her ear, frowning. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I SAID! HOW! ARE! WE! DOING!"
Wild cheers and applause erupted, and Haruhi grinned and waved back. "I hope you're all enjoying the very first Spreading Excitement Throughout the World with Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade Festival, or, to make it shorter, SOS BRIGADE FEST!"
Silence. There were a few "WHOOs" from the crowd, then someone called, "That doesn't make any sense!"
"Ha! It doesn't have to make sense, AS LONG AS IT'S FUN AND INTERESTING! AND ARE YOU HAVING FUN TONIGHT!?"
This time, Haruhi got the cheers she was looking for. She nodded in satisfaction. "Well, to delight you all, I, Haruhi Suzumiya herself, and the chief officers of the SOS Brigade will be performing live for you tonight! On drums, we have our Chief Financial Officer, Kyon!"
Forcing a smile on his face, Kyon waved to the crowd, who gave him scattered applause. Unlike the others, he was simply wearing his school uniform, though he'd taken off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. He'd asked Haruhi about a costume, but she'd just told him:
"You're just normal, boring Kyon! You need to wear the most boring costume of all! Besides, everyone else is a cute girl. If you were too flashy, you'd distract from the sexy, which would clearly drop our ratings!"
"I think Kyon is sexy," Yuki had said quietly as she put on her witch costume.
"You're his girlfriend, you don't count," Haruhi had informed Yuki. "Unlike Mikuru and Cecily, who are both cute girls! By the way, how did the fingering lesson go, Cecily?"
For some reason, Mikuru had gone bright red, while Cecily had laughed. "Great! I'm certain I'm a great guitar player, and next time, I'll have Mikuru practice on me!"
"Um, H-Haruhi, I, ah, I didn't, umm, I know we were supposed to go on a date but-"
"Relax. You and Cecily are both my followers, so it's fine. Besides, I'm the one who brought this band together."
Kyon shook his head, going back to reality as Haruhi introduced "YUKI NAGATO ON BASS!"
Yuki played a few cords, causing the crowd to cheer for her, and Kyon to clap. She really was changing.
"AND ON KEYBOARD, MY FIRST MIKO, MIKURU ASAHINA!"
Mikuru waved nervously, then put her head down and stared at her instrument. Kyon had to admit, the miku outfit was a good look on her. It just felt right for some reason.
"AND MY HIGH PRIESTESS, CECILY ON GUITAR!"
"I LOVE YOU LADY HARUHI!" Cecily wailed, and played a few bars on her electric guitar, which was plugged into nothing, but still worked just fine.
"Right! We have a brand new song for you all tonight, the world premier of the SOS Brigade new top hit, TOMORROW!"
Haruhi turned around, and winked at Kyon. "Start us off, Mr. Drummer."
Kyon nodded, taking a deep breath and raising his sticks. He'd never heard of this song, let alone played it, and yet…
He brought the sticks down perfectly in time with the beat in his head, and the band joined in around him. After a few measures, Haruhi started singing as the crowd cheered.
If we can map out all of Earth's mysteries,
We will be able to go to any place we want.
When Kyon pounded out the last beat and rang the cymbal at the end of the song, the crowd went utterly berzerk. Haruhi jumped up, waving and cheering, and then Cecily grabbed Kyon. The five of them lined up, and did an utterly ridiculous dance as the crowd continued to go wild, the music somehow playing again in the background. It felt a little odd, like Koizumi should have been on the far left where Cecily was dancing, but still, it went off great.
"THANK YOU ALL!" Haruhi cried, waving to the crowd. "YOU'VE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE!"
"If you wish to Convert to the SOS Brigade, we have sign up fliers!" Cecily called excitedly. "The first 100 new converts get signed posters by Lady Haruhi herself!"
"Converts?" Kyon asked, feeling suddenly worried. But then they had to clear off the stage, and the curtains closed for a moment. When they opened again, Aqua was sitting at a full grand piano (where it had come from, not even Aqua would have been able to explain).
Aqua smiled out at the audience, who quieted down.
"I just wanted to say…it was an honor to be your goddess for all these years," Aqua said, giving everyone a sad smile.
Cecily started to cry behind Kyon, and Mikuru hugged her, sniffling as her own eyes filled up with tears.
"I'm sorry I wasn't such a good goddess these last few years…but…well…I wrote this song for you all, as a goodbye." Closing her eyes, Aqua began to play.
The place I grazed when I fell
is bleeding and stings a bit
But I don't mind; it'll heal right up-
Tomorrow, a scab will be in its place.
It was an odd song, with the somewhat sad, wistful lyrics not really making that much sense of what Aqua had said. But…it felt right. Like the job was over, and it was time to Go Home. He reached over, and Yuki stepped into his arms. Both of them swayed together to the music, holding tightly to one another. Kyon sniffed, and did his best not to cry, until he saw silent tears flowing down Yuki's cheeks.
"It is alright, Kyon. It is very sad."
He nodded, and let himself cry, just a little.
Kyon looked out, and saw that the audience was hugging one another, many of them crying. Dust in particular was ugly crying into his wife's shoulder, while both of them clutched at Harv, who was crying himself.
At the end of the song, Aqua stood up and bowed. "Thank you. Haruhi will take good care of you."
Then the curtains closed. The audience sniffled and rubbed at their eyes, obviously moved, if uncertain of why. Aqua had worked her magic on them; the song had been a peerless cry of the heart: one for belonging. For love. For somewhere to call home.
Then, lights began to flash behind the stage, and a pulsing beat began to play.
Kazuma's voice suddenly boomed out as a synthesizer began to crank out a funky tune. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PRESENTING, YOUR GODDESS HERSELF! THE ONE! THE ONLY!"
The curtains flung open, and a woman in a feathery mantle with gray robes was on stage, only her hood was flung back, and she had a ball cap of all things on her silver hair, turned backwards as she bopped up and down to the beat.
"OH YEAAAAAAHHH!"
"LADY ERIS!" the crowd screamed, their sadness forgotten.
Chris (it was obviously Chris, Kyon didn't understand how anyone would think otherwise) winked and pointed out to the crowd, lifting a microphone to her lips.
Be crazy for me
Make me shine on you
You're gonna see me when you hear my music
I'll be there for you
No matter where you go
How do you see me from your point of view
I steal your heart
If the crowd had gone wild for Haruhi, they went completely bananas for Eris. They rushed the stage, eagerly reaching up to try to touch her, but despite her long robes, Eris easily danced past them. She trailed her fingers down, touching some of the audience, and they screamed in religious ecstasy, tears of joy streaming down their faces.
At the end of the song, Eris let the crowd scream for a solid minute, then raised her hand for silence. Instantly, the crowd quieted, though there were still a few scattered sobs of joy, and the occasional, "WE LOVE YOU LADY ERIS!"
"Thank you, my devoted followers," Eris said, her tone somewhat more cutesy than Chris'. "I want to thank my Senior Goddess, Aqua. She has left us, sadly, but in her place, she has sent another. Haruhi Suzumiya, Goddess of Excitement and Exploration, I summon you!"
Haruhi gasped, and Kyon turned to see light burst from her face and hands, wings sprouting from her back. Then she vanished. A moment later, she reappeared, hovering over the stage as the crowd gasped. Haruhi slowly fluttered down in a shower of feathers, looking as surprised as Kyon felt.
Eris took the younger goddess's hand, guiding her down onto the stage. Haruhi was back to wearing her Sailor Fuku, but her hair was pulled up with a yellow cloth. It was a fairly unique style. Kyon blinked, and turned to Aqua, who was leaning on Kazuma, who had an arm around her shoulders. That was Aqua's hairstyle! What was going on?
"Welcome with me please, the new Goddess of Belzerg!" Eris said, raising Haruhi's hand above her head as her wings folded into her back and vanished. "LADY HARUHI SUZUMIYA!"
"HAIL LADY HARUHI!" The crowd cheered.
"Oh no," Kyon groaned, slapping his palm onto his face. "She's going to be utterly insufferable after this."
Then, a voice bellowed out, over the roar of the crowd. "I, IRIS STYLISH SWORD BELZERG, QUEEN OF THE REALM, RECOGNIZE THE DECREE OF OUR GODDESS, LADY ERIS OF FORTUNE! HAIL, GODDESS HARUHI!"
The crowd gasped, stepping aside. A tall blonde young woman in ornate armor, bearing a sword at her side, stepped forward, a regal crown of gold on her brow. She marked forward through the lane made for her, stepping up gracefully onto the stage. She knelt before Haruhi, drawing her sword and resting her hands on the pommel. "Long have we awaited you, Goddess. I am thankful you have joined us at last."
"Er, um…Thank you, your majesty?" Haruhi said, looking at Eris, who nodded in affirmation. Haruhi stepped forward, resting her hand on Iris' crown. "Steward these people in my name, Sword of the Realm."
"Thank you, goddesses," Iris said, and stood up, sheathing her sword. She turned to the people, raising a clenched fist. "LET THE DARKNESS TREMBLE AT OUR COMING! THE REALM IS BLESSED BY TWO GODDESSES ONCE MORE!"
The crowd cheered mightily, and Kyon shook his head. They were all crazy.
Suddenly, the sky was rent asunder, and a massive boom flattened the crowd as they fell, crying out in panic. Kyon would have been knocked flat, if Yuki hadn't held him up and erected a magic barrier, buffering them from the howling gale the detonation had unleashed.
Before the fires had faded, flames roared once more, and red eyes gleamed as behind the crowd, a new stage formed of magic appeared.
"BEHOLD!" a new voice bellowed, as lightning flashed, revealing a cloaked figure with one glowing eye and a crimson eye patch, an electric guitar in her hands and a huge witch's hat on her head. "I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GUITARIST OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN! HIT IT!"
Beside the strangely familiar woman, there were three others, all dark haired and wearing red eye patches. Megumin sucked in a deep breath, then screamed out,
On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light
In flames of death's eternal reign, we ride towards the fight
When the darkness has fallen down, and the times are tough all right
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight
"How the HELL does she know Dragonforce!?" Kyon demanded.
For some reason, Aqua whistled innocently, as Kazuma put a hand over his face and looked away.
Actually, Kyon had a pretty good idea how these maniacs knew Dragonforce.
When the rather long song, complete with epic guitar solo and massive flames conjured by the band members as a part of their performance, finished, another woman stepped up to the microphone.
"Um, I-I am Yunyun, F-Foremost Bassist of the Crimson Demon Clan. W-we welcome Goddess Haruhi to Belzerg, and, um, a-are very grateful for her blessings and-"
Megumin seized the mic, ripping off her eyepatch as she scanned the crowd. "WHERE IS KAZUMA SATO!?"
Author's note:
If you're wondering how the Crimson Demon clan had a full speed metal band ready to go at the proverbial drop of the hat, you clearly have not paid any attention to Crimson Demon culture.