Beta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood.
Brought to you by my s, who voted for an extra dose of Haruhi induced madness this month.
After watching Kazuma and that little psycho disappear through a portal, Haruhi turned to Chris. Or Eris. Whatever she was calling herself. "Ok, so, now what?"
"Emergency goddess meeting," the silver haired goddess said. "Which means I need you and Yuki right away."
Aqua started to cry, turning her back to the others. "It's…sniff…alright…go on without me, Eris. I…I hope I was a good senior goddess…"
Eris let out a heavy sigh. "You can come too, Aqua. I'll have the angels throw you a going away party."
Instantly, Aqua was all smiles, spinning about and hugging Eris. "I knew you were my favorite junior goddess for a reason!"
"I was your only junior goddess," Eris said, her tone somewhat offended as Aqua pressed herself to the more petite goddess.
"Because you were so amazing, I didn't need any others," Aqua said, giving Eris an extra squeeze.
That got Eris to puff up, grinning broadly. "Well, you can be my senpai, one last time. Come on, Yuki, let's go."
Haruhi turned to her friend, who was standing at the back, holding Kyon's hand and looking as imperturbable as always. "I am not a goddess. I am a humanoid interface, and Kyon's girlfriend."
"Yeah, we're going to have to do something about those anti-boinking protocols eventually, but trust me girl, you're a goddess," Eris said. "And not just because Kyon thinks so."
Kyon blushed fiercely, but Haruhi chortled and elbowed him. "Eh, you think so, loverboy?"
"She's more responsible with her powers than you are at any rate," Kyon muttered. Which earned him a glare from Haruhi as she stomped off to go stand over by Aqua and Eris.
"Ugh! Come on, Yuki. Let's go see what this goddess stuff is all about anyway," Haruhi said, grabbin Yuki's arm and dragging her along.
"I still do not meet the parameters for being a goddess," Yuki said, looking somewhat stubborn as Haruhi dragged her.
Haruhi opened her mouth, then closed it, pausing. She turned to Eris and Aqua. "Uh, what are the requirements for being a goddess?"
"You have to be totally awesome and beautiful!" Aqua said instantly.
Chris sighed, and gave Yuki a sad smile. "Aqua, it's not a requirement to have perfect measurements to be a goddess. Some of us ladies are built like Yuki and I."
"Oh please, just because you pad your chest doesn't mean you're not still cute and pretty. Most guys would totally fall for you, Eris!"
"And some girls," Haruhi agreed. She frowned at Eris. "Do you really use pads? I thought a goddess would have more self confidence."
Eris's face went from scarlet to pale, then red again, her fists clenching. She gritted her teeth and managed, "Well, at least it's obvious that you're Aqua's daughter. Only Scumzuma's kid could be so blunt."
"Dad always said I got mom's looks and his brains. Mom always punched him and said I got his perverted mind too," Haruhi admitted.
"You have still not answered my question. My physical appearance was created by the Data Overmind to resemble that of a teenage human female from Japan." Yuki reached a hand up, twisting her fingers through a lock of her hair. "It appears to have made several errors in its efforts."
"Purple's a perfectly normal hair color for a goddess," Eris assured Yuki. "Athena has purple hair too."
"I am capable of altering my physiological characteristics," Yuki said. She blinked, then turned to Kyon. "Should I alter myself? Do you prefer a larger bust size?"
Kyon developed a sudden coughing fit, but was apparently smart enough to furiously shake his head. "Ah, no. As I said, I love you, Yuki. I'm sure you'll change and grow over the years, but, well, so will I."
"I see." Yuki turned back to Eris. "If you do not enjoy having a smaller chest size, I could alter yours."
Eris covered her face with her hands, while Aqua slapped her on the back and roared with laughter.
"Takingustothedivinerealmbyenow," Eris babbled, and Haruhi felt a sudden tugging as silver runes flashed around her feet. A moment later, she found herself standing amongst a sea of stars, four silver chairs arranged in a circle waiting for them.
Aqua was still laughing and slapping Eris's back, while Eris looked sullen and pouty.
A lightbulb went on for Haruhi. "Wait, can we alter our physical appearance to whatever we want?"
"...yes," Eris said, clearly still sulking.
"Yeah, we all have a default form, but we can pick whatever we want to appear as," Aqua said with a nod. "Sometimes I manifest as a cute dolphin, or a swan! I don't do it very often, not, um, after the incident…"
"You mean where you forgot how to change back because you set the transformation to have a verbal component and the Chief Goddess had to rescue you?" Eris demanded.
Now it was Aqua's turn to sulk. She looked around, puffing out her cheeks. "Really? The default background? Ugh, so lame."
"Oh, fine. I was trying to impress the newbies," Eris sighed. She raised her hands and clapped twice. "Scene change! Relaxing beach, please."
"With an open bar!" Aqua added eagerly.
Reality rippled, and Haruhi felt something shift. The floor suddenly became a sandy beach at sunset, with waves lapping in a lagoon not far away. Nearby, a very tacky Tiki Bar was set up, with a woman in hula girl outfit shaking a cocktail mixer, a glowing halo floating above her head.
"Welcome back, Lady Aqua, Chief!" the angel said brightly. "It's good to-"
"GOD BLOW!" Aqua roared, and her fist smashed into the bartender's cheek, sending her cartwheeling down the beach, where she landed in the water with a great splash. "That's what I promised I would do to you, Angelina! You made me go with that filthy NEET!"
The angel sat up, spitting out a spray of water and looking frazzled.
"Yeah, you jerk! Don't be mean to my mom!" Haruhi agreed, coming to stand beside Aqua.
"Did not Aqua Mizu fall in love with Kazuma after being sent with him?" Yuki asked quietly behind them.
"Yeah, well, logic has never really been her strong point," Eris sighed.
"I see. Haruhi Suzumiya is much the same way," Yuki stated.
"Let's just…sit down. I could use a drink," Eris sighed. She walked behind the bar, and Haruhi blinked. Eris now wore a white jacket, fully unzipped, and a green striped bikini with white night flowers in her hair.
"Can I do that?" Haruhi asked no one in particular. She turned to Aqua, and blinked.
"Do what?" Aqua asked. She now had on a blue bikini with a few more frills on it, as well as a purple water lily in her hair.
Haruhi narrowed her eyes. She concentrated, and could feel…something…she tried to change her clothes and-
She gasped as cool air hit her body, and hastily tried to cover herself with her hands, blushing furiously. Her clothes had vanished, leaving her in only her underwear. While it probably covered more than a swimsuit, it was still embarrassing.
"Data manipulation appears far less complex in this reality," Yuki remarked. She walked past Haruhi, dressed in her own swimsuit, which was the entirely modest one piece school swimsuit.
"Ok, how come SHE can do it, but I can't?!" Haruhi demanded, grabbing a towel from a nearby beach recliner and wrapping it about herself.
"That's what we've got to talk about," Chris said, lifting up the cocktail shaker and rattling it. "Take a break, Angelina."
"Hmph." The angel glared at Aqua, spreading her soaked wings. Then she vanished a loud pop, a spray of water splashing Aqua.
"ACK! What a jerk!" Aqua protested, spitting out the salt water.
Haruhi sat down at the bar, then suddenly grinned. "I want Sex on the Beach!"
"Ooo, me too!" Aqua agreed.
Chris froze, blinking for a moment, then looked at Yuki, wild eyed.
"Sex on the Beach is the name of a cocktail drink, popular with young women," Yuki said in her usual deadpan. "I misconstrued the name the first time I encountered it as well."
"I mean, I'd take the other thing. You're pretty cute, senpai," Haruhi said, leaning forward and waggling her eyebrows at Chris.
"I, er, um…let's go with the cocktail," Chris sighed. "Even if you are underaged."
"Hey, I'm an immortal goddess, and my mom's right there! I can totally drink," Haruhi protested.
"That's not really how this works, but whatever, I'm in charge here anyway," Eris said, and mixed up the drinks. "You, Yuki?"
"Though I have experienced the passage of 598 years, physiologically I am 17, which is below the legal drinking age in Japan," Yuki stated.
Everyone regarded her for a moment, with Haruhi sighing and shaking her head in disappointment.
"However, I am no longer in Japan. I am given to understand that the legal age in Belzerg is much lower," Yuki added.
"There isn't one," Eris said helpfully.
Yuki considered this. "I will have a Shirley Temple."
"Oh come on, at least put a shot of vodka in it!" Haruhi protested. "We're off the hook! Away from our parents! Live a little!"
"I do not have parents," Yuki said as she accepted the pink mocktail from Eris. She sipped it, then frowned ever so slightly. "Perhaps Kyon's parents will become mine. I am uncertain as to my emotions on this matter. I have never had parents."
Haruhi eagerly took her own cocktail, which had a cute little umbrella and a slice of pineapple on the rim. She took a big sip, then coughed, the alcohol burning her throat slightly. She'd had beer before, but never liquor or a mixed drink. Thumping her chest, Haruhi glanced at Aqua, who was polishing off her first drink.
"Ah! You always make the best drinks, Eris! More please!"
"Don't get too plastered, we have to talk shop," Eris said, mixing up another drink for Aqua, before making herself a martini, complete with green olive. She took a sip, then came around the bar and sat down. "Right, girls. So, Haruhi and Yuki: You're my new apprentices!"
"We still have not established what makes an individual a goddess. I will not agree to this if I do not clearly understand it. I require additional data to make an informed choice," Yuki said.
"Yeah, actually, I'd like to know that too," Haruhi agreed, taking another sip. It did burn a little, but it also tasted nice. She'd have to have another one to find out for sure.
"Well, goddesses aren't really a single race. Like Aqua said, you can take whatever form you want. It really depends on how you came into being," Eris explained, sipping her martini.
"Yeah, there's different animals who are gods, and even a few objects." Aqua made a face. "The abstract concept gods always give me a headache."
"So, wait. How did I become a goddess? Or Yuki?" Haruhi demanded.
Eris held up a hand. "I'm getting there, hold on. Basically, there's a bunch of ways to achieve apotheosis. Some goddesses manifest because of mortal belief, and have no existence outside of being a goddess."
"Like me!" Aqua supplied cheerily. "I'm the manifestation of mortal belief in Water! Water's power to create, to heal, and to bring joy!"
"Right. But me, I'm an ascended mortal," Eris continued. "I was a mortal human who defeated a Devil King, and a cult grew up around me. As I was an object of worship and I had great power, I ascended to godhood with Aqua's help. That's sort of the category that Yuki falls into."
Yuki regarded Eris silently for a moment. "I do not have a cult that worships me."
"That's only sort of required, but you'll get one if you want it. Mortals are pretty easy to influence. A miracle here, a legend there, and then you have a religion!" Aqua laughed, reaching behind the bar. She was no longer bothering with cocktails, instead pouring herself a rum and coke.
"Wait, does the SOS Brigade count as my own cult?" Haruhi asked curiously, holding out her glass for Aqua to give her some as well.
"That, and all those espers you made who worship you," Chris said, pulling out a manilla folder from apparently nowhere and looking it over. "Certified cult, if a small one. Plus, the granting of boons, the selection of champions, and a clear dogma…yeah, you've got your own neat little religion started already."
"Yesssss," Haruhi said, pumping her fist.
"That's my girl!" Aqua said, and the two high fived enthusiastically.
"But, you've got serious power incontinence, and a bunch of mental blockers that your previous self put on you, so we're going to have to spend a few millenia training you," Chris said, her folder vanishing in a puff of smoke.
"What?! A thousand year TRAINING ARC!? Who the hell is writing this!?" Haruhi demanded.
"I mean, us, mostly," Chris said with a shrug, then took another long sip.
"I still do not believe I meet the parameters for being a goddess. I do not have a cult, nor am I the manifestation of an ideal," Yuki stated.
"Yeah, but you're crazy powerful. To the point that you're frankly way past the point of apotheosis. Plus, you touched the divine when you stole Haruhi's powers for a bit, and remade the universe. So you're definitely qualified," Chris told her.
Yuki considered this. "I am given to understand that goddesses are forbidden romantic liaisons with mortals, or copulation. As I desire to procreate with Kyon and bear his children, this disqualifies me."
"I mean sex is cool and all but what about PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER?!" Haruhi demanded. She spread her hands wide, a grin on her face. "Imagine it! Legions of loyal followers, worshiping you daily, spreading excitement and joy throughout the cosmos! That's WAY better than having to raise a couple of smelly brats and do laundry."
"I find the prospect of domesticity a refreshing change of pace from my previous life experience," Yuki stated. "Especially if it is with Kyon."
"Yeah…I mean, worshipers and godly powers are great, but…" Aqua fidgeted with her once more empty glass, blushing. "But if I get to spend it with Kazuma…I think it would be fun…"
"Uh…" Haruhi's eyes darted between her two friends, one of which was probably her mother. Shesighed and patted Yuki on the back. "Well I guess if I'm telling Aqua to retire so I won't blip out of existence, it's OK for you to have a humdrum life with Kyon. Someone has to keep that boy out of trouble."
"Yes," Yuki agreed, and smiled to herself before sipping at her drink.
"Well, just consider the offer after you've had a lifetime with Kyon," Eris suggested. Then she eyed Haruhi. "And you know, technically, you can change the rules."
"I can?" Haruhi asked, blinking. A slow, evil smile spread over her face, and she tapped her fingers together. "Heh heh heh heh."
A newspaper appeared in Eris's hands, and she bopped Haruhi on the head. "And this is why you need training first, young padawan."
"What? We could make it so we could have HAREMS."
Aqua smacked Haruhi upside the back of her head, glaring at her. "We do not need another Zeus situation! This is why the Japanese Pantheon has RULES, unlike those Greek jerks!"
"Ow! What happened with Zeus?!" Haruhi demanded, rubbing the back of her head.
"One of his kids killed him. That or Hera did after he kept cheating on her," Eris said with a shrug. "Happened to a lot of that pantheon. Lucky for me, freed up my name."
"Uh….we can still die?" Haruhi asked nervously.
"It's sort of hard to kill a goddess, but yeah, it's doable," Eris sighed.
"I never died, and I fought a Devil King," Aqua said smugly. She chugged another drink, then slammed it down and let out a contented sigh. "Ah! It's been too long since I went drinking with the girls!"
"Heh, my mom never really let me drink with her before," Haruhi giggled, pouring herself another drink.
Eris eyed the two of them, then sighed. "Right, look, here's the rub of it: since you're Aqua's daughter AND the reincarnation of the Chief Goddess, things have been falling apart here without you. Heaven's been sort of scrambling and a lot of the goddesses are doing their own thing. But, with me finding you, we'll be able to start to put the worlds back in order. I could really use the help of a powerful smartie like Yuki, but I can wait a few decades for that."
"Would I be able to bring Kyon?" Yuki asked seriously, finishing off her Shirley Temple.
"There…are married gods in some pantheons, so…maybe? The no boinking rule was put into place for good reasons though," Eris admitted.
Haruhi considered something, peering into her half finished third drink. "Wait…we're like…the Japanese pantheon, right?" Eris nodded, and Haruhi gasped. "SO THE DROPPING BIRTHRATE IS CAUSE THE GODS CAN'T HAVE SEX!?"
"Uh…" Eris looked at Aqua, who was frowning.
"Well I dunno, I was just in charge of dead people from Japan. I liked the other worlds better cause they had more magic and stuff. Plus, until Kazuma came along, I figured sex was just kinda icky."
"We've got to correct this!" Haruhi declared. "How do I change the rules so Yuki can have a boyfriend so she'll be a good goddess?"
"I mean you're going to need a LOT of training before you're ready to take up the Chief Goddess mantle again, even if you are easily the most powerful of us," Eris said cautiously. "Optimistically…maybe a century as a junior goddess, we have you recruit Yuki, which would promote you to Senior Goddess, then get some strong religions, especially in Japan, and some minor deities, spirits, and champions…in a millennia or so you'd be ready to take over?"
"That is way too long! Isn't there some way to speed this up?!" Haruhi demanded.
"Well," Eris said, a mischievous grin flashing for a moment. "You could deal with Belzerg's little current problem, and the issue that's been putting the fear of death into our pantheon for the last couple decades."
"And what's that?" Haruhi demanded.
"The one who killed you."
Groaning, Tanya got to her feet, looking around herself. Beside her, that idiot Fujiwara was getting to his feet somewhat woozily as well. She felt her heart skip a beat, and her head whipped around, where was-
"Major, are you well?" Visha groaned, staggering over to Tanya.
"Yes, I am now," she agreed, and despite the presence of another, hugged Visha tightly.
"Where are we?" Fujiwara demanded.
"You know as much as I," Tanya growled, turning and looking around. They were in a ruined hall made of dark stone, with tattered red wall hangings. There was a great gaping hole in the roof, and whatever caused it had melted the stone. There were a few symbols carved into the stone and on the burnt banners. A bit of her memory triggered at the icons, a red eye with a black outline.
"Surely this is not Middle Earth," Tanya muttered. "That place does not exist."
Visha chuckled. "Major, we have been to at least three worlds. It would be nice to retire to somewhere quiet, like the Shire, don't you think?"
"Yes, perhaps," Tanya agreed, though a part of her protested that would be extremely boring. She had spent most of her life now practicing the Art of War, and she was damned good at it.
"Who is there? Who dares speak in my halls?" a voice demanded.
Tanya spun, her hand going to where her weapons should be, but nothing was there. On reflex, she half muttered a spell, and magic flowed into her, stronger than it had in decades. She hastily erected a spell barrier as footsteps sounded.
A moment later, a woman somewhere in her middle years appeared, with long dark hair, and skin that had a reddish tinge to it. Horns sprouted from her forehead, and bat wings were folded on her back. She was dressed in gleaming black armor, and carried a large scythe in her hands.
"Interlopers! How dare you wield magic in the palace of the Devil Queen Kyoichi!"
"I do not believe in gods nor devils, only men," Tanya stated flatly. "Where are we?"
"Fool! You wield divine magic, but you claim no belief in god! Why do you speak in such riddles?" the woman demanded, pointing her scythe at the group.
A slow grin spread over Tanya's face, and she bared her teeth at Kyoichi. "Because I killed the god whose power this was, and claimed it as my own."
"Really?" the supposed Queen blinked, and lowered her scythe. "Though…you look like a normal human…how is this possible?"
"I suborned the power of a god and made it my own, then slew her," Tanya stated simply. Then she glanced at Visha. "I did have some help. But Being X was destroyed."
"I have never heard of this 'Being X,'" Kyoichi said suspiciously. "I know of many gods, even those beyond this land, but none by that name."
"Aqua always called her the Chief Goddess, but she was also named Amaterasu," Visha added.
"Or Haruhi Suzumiya," Fujiwara put in, earning him a glare from Tanya.
"You fought Aqua, and are why she fell?" Kyoichi demanded, taking another step forward. She peered at Tanya. "Wait…are you the one Vanir told me of? The man that was born as a girl in another world, Tanya the Evil?"
"I am not Evil! Morality is defined by men and not by gods, and I work for the good of all by making myself greater!" Tanya snapped.
"You ARE her! Or him? I do not judge," Kyoichi said dismissively.
"Definitely her," Visha said firmly. "I checked."
"Lieutenant!" Tanya hissed, flushing for a moment. Visha just winked at her, which made Tanya blush further. Grumbling, she turned back to Kyoichi, who looked amused. "Yes, I am Tanya Von Degurachaff. What of it?"
"Well, seeing as that usurper has finally gone…how would you like a job as one of my generals?" Kyoichi offered.
"I am no simple servant," Tanya sniffed.
"You would be able to make war on the last goddess of this land…and slay the Goddess of Discord, Eris," Kyoichi prompted. "That silver haired minx."
"And what land is that?" Visha asked, sounding curious.
"Belzerg."
"That madhouse? Do not tell me that Kazuma and Aqua are here as well," Tanya muttered.
"No, they fell slaying my father," Kyoichi said, anger flashing over her face. "But I will rebuild. And I will slay the last of the Heroes, Megumin and Lalatina Dustiness."
"Well. Perhaps killing them would be doing the world a favor," Tanya chuckled. She considered the offer briefly. "Would I have control over my command and logistics staff? And free reign to properly modernize your army?"
"Such as it is. I have merely claimed my palace thus far. But I will have revenge, both on the Heroes, and on the Belzerg line. There will be no more gods!" Kyoichi vowed.
"Well then. Consider myself and the Lieutenant at your service," Tanya said, bowing.
"What about me?" Fujiwara demanded.
"I suppose I'll need a personal servant," Tanya said with a shrug.
"Come, then. I'll show you my forces, the few that remain after those red eyed maniacs blew up my palace," Kyoichi said, and led Tanya and Visha off to inspect the remaining Army of the Devil Queen.