"-and that's how I saved the world, by Frenching God," Kyon finished, as the scribes furiously scribbled down the last part of his tale.
Which was also when Yuki and Haruhi walked in, apparently back from their little pow-wow. Kyon sat bolt upright, going slightly pale. "Oh, uh, hi, um, Yuki, Haruhi, I-"
"Everything he said is true, boys," Haruhi said, pointing to Kyon. "That bastard stole my first kiss!" Then she licked her lips playfully. "It was pretty good too!"
There were various cries of startelement and gasps, and then the scribes and priests began to write even more furiously.
Of course. Kyon 3:14. "And then I Frenched God."
Kyon stood and went over to Yuki, feeling nervous sweat trickle down his spine. "Uh, Yuki, I just-"
Yuki was looking at what one of the priests was writing, and she nodded. "I see you included mention of my message. I was limited in my communication abilities back then. Still, I expected you would understand a literary reference to Sleeping Beauty."
"Yeah, turns out that they have that legend too," Kyon said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Er, listen, Yuki, just because Haruhi was my first kiss, doesn't mean that, you know…"
Yuki looked up and regarded Kyon for a moment. Then her brow furrowed slightly, and she very subtly tilted her head to the right. "Kyon. Do you believe that I am jealous that you kissed Haruhi Suzumiya before me?"
"Well…yeah?" Kyon managed, swallowing and giving Yuki a lame smile.
She nodded. "I believe I am slightly jealous. That is unusual." A slow, faint smile spread over her lips. "I am not programmed to be jealous. It is an error. I think I like it."
"That's…good! Uh, you're not mad though, right?" Kyon asked, feeling his heart flutter slightly.
"No. I am, after all, the one who directed you to kiss her." Yuki glanced to the side, where Haruhi was reading through Kyon's account and making various snide remarks as she flipped through it.
"Sheesh Kyon, you make it sound like I'm some sort of horrible bully to you all!"
"That's because you are, Madam President," Kyon said acidly. Then he took Yuki in his arms, and kissed her even more thoroughly than he had Haruhi. It helped having practice. Yuki even stood up on her tiptoes, putting her hand on Kyon's lapel. She might be shy and soft spoken, but Yuki really was developing more of a personality every day.
"I think I like kissing you better," Kyon said softly.
"Oh man, he kissed TWO goddesses?!" one of the priests muttered.
"I am not a goddess," Yuki said firmly. Then after a moment, she added, "Yet."
"Ahhhh," the various religious figures murmured, and scribbled some more.
"Hey, this is neat! This reads a lot like a light novel! You've got a talent for narration, Kyon. We should get this published back home!" Haruhi said, laughing and setting down the text.
"Oh, of course. Would it go in fiction or non-fiction?" Kyon said acidly. "They'd have to decide if it should go next to Love Hina or The Quran."
"Nah, it should go next to Durarara. That's my favorite," Haruhi said with a shake of her head.
Kyon sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Lovely. Well, what was that little girls only pow-wow about?"
"We're going on a quest!" Haruhi declared, throwing her hand up in a V Sign and winking at Kyon.
"Yes. We must defeat the Devil Queen," Yuki said quietly, looking rather serious and clenching her fists.
Kyon looked back and forth between the two of them, then groaned. "Super. Well, I guess I can carry your luggage or something."
"Ah, don't be silly, Kyon! Every party needs a straight man! Come on, it'll be fun! Just think about it! Me, a newly minted goddess, leading a crusade against the Devil King! It'll be us, Kazuma and Aqua, and probably Megumin too. Since it's her sister who's the Devil Queen."
"Kyon." Yuki took Kyon's hand, holding it tight, and waited until he looked her in the eyes. "I need you. Not just to carry my luggage. You are always important."
"Thanks, but I think out of all of us, I'm pretty far down the list of 'combat capable,'" Kyon said dryly. "Even if you say you're not a goddess, I've seen you fight things that could wipe out a regiment without breaking a sweat. Haruhi is, well, Haruhi, Mikuru can apparently heal, and for all their weirdness Kazuma and Aqua are pretty handy in a tight spot. Me? What can I do?"
"Help us make the right choices," Yuki said, with complete seriousness.
Haruhi blew a raspberry. "Oh yeah, let Captain Killjoy make our decisions on what we should do! My ideas are more fun!"
"Your ideas have almost destroyed the world more times than I can remember! If you'd listen to me more often, maybe I wouldn't have had to wake you up by sticking my tongue in your mouth!" Kyon snapped, though he almost immediately regretted it.
Haruhi considered this, tapping her chin for a moment, as the audience Kyon had somewhat forgotten about waited with baited breath. Then she nodded. "Ok, but you have to get Yuki's permission before you kiss me again."
Then, chuckling to herself, Haruhi walked out of the church office Kyon had been beguiling everyone from. "Come on, let's go get some adventuring gear! Iris says she'll spring for it! I want a full suit of sweet armor, and something cool for Yuki and Mikuru too! Even you should get some appropriate fantasy gear, Kyon!"
"Kyon," Yuki said, grabbing his hand and preventing him from following Haruhi.
"Uh, yeah?" he asked, blushing at Haruhi's last remark.
"If the fate of the world is at stake, you have my permission to kiss Haruhi."
"Oh, uh…"
"However, I will still be jealous."
Kyon felt as though someone had walked over his grave, and swallowed with a mighty gulp, adjusting his collar.
Then Yuki gave him a small smile. "That was a joke."
Then, still holding his hand, Yuki led him off after Haruhi in her next mad scheme.
Apparently, even in a whole new world, some things stayed the same. They left behind a room full of priests, who immediately broke out into a very valuable and serious theological debate about the Apostle Kyon and the First Frenching.
Aqua sat with her head down at the bar of the Guild Hall, looking at her mostly full mug of ale. She dipped her finger in the frothy beverage, and doodled a bit more on her napkin. She sighed, looking forlornly at her little drawing.
"Oh my! That's a stunning likeness of Kazuma on just a napkin!" Luna gasped, pausing to peer at Aqua's creation.
"Hmm? Meh. It's OK," Aqua said, shrugging and not bothering to lift her head off the bar. She scooted the napkin towards Luna. "You want it?"
Luna picked up the napkin reverently, then walked over and removed the picture of the last Guild Hunt from its frame. She put the napkin there instead, earning mutters of approval and praise from the few patrons at the bar at this early hour.
"Amazing, Lady Aqua!" a strangely familiar voice boomed. "I see you retain your talents! I knew you were not dead! Truly, you grace us once more."
Blinking, Aqua raised her head a bit, and peered at the face of the man beaming down at her. He looked like he was about 30 or so, with a big beer gut, and a dark blond beard that was neatly trimmed. Something about him was vaguely familiar, but she couldn't quite place it…
"Are you…Steven?" Aqua asked, frowning as she tried to remember.
The man laughed, though he looked rather hurt. "No, it's me, Kyouya Mitsurugi, Lady Aqua!"
Wrinkling her brow, Aqua tried to think. She was usually really good with names and faces… "Wait, are you that sword guy Kazuma beat up one time?"
"Er, yes, Kazuma did beat me, ah, once, in a fight," Kyle Matsumoto said. He motioned, and a pink-haired pregnant woman with another child in her arms, and one clutching at her skirt stepped forward, frowning slightly at Aqua. "You remember my wife, Fio, don't you?"
"Oh, sure, she was the, uh…" It was a 50/50, so Aqua just guessed, "-warrior?"
"I was a thief," Fio puffed, adjusting the baby on her hip and giving Aqua a thin smile. "Poor late Cremea was the warrior."
"Once we lost her, I realized how much Fio meant to me, and we settled down and started a family. These are my children, blah blah blah blah blah."
Aqua just tuned out Kyle at that point, though she did sit up long enough to pull a flower out of the little boy's ear and hand it to him, which made him giggle and smile. His mother seemed to warm up to Aqua slightly for that, but then the baby started to sniffle and cry.
"Oh, someone's hungry again," Fio said, as the baby pawed at one of her swollen breasts. She gave Aqua a tired smile. "It was, ah, nice to see you again, Lady Aqua. Sorry, us mortals have real lives to live."
"Fio! How could you say that to Lady Aqua?" Kyle gasped. "She blah blah blah, blah blah blah, me me me me, blah blah."
Aqua ignored Kyle as usual, but she smiled at Fio. "I guess I might be a mortal now…maybe…maybe I'll have a cute baby like that someday…"
Fio blinked at that, then glanced at her husband. "Sweetie, why don't you take Ken to the park? I'll sit and have a chat with the, ah, goddess."
"Without me?" Kyle asked, looking hurt.
"I was going to go over the details of pregnancy." Fio said, her face utterly sweet. "In great detail. If you'd like to stay and-"
"I'm-taking-Ken-to-the-park-see-you-both-later-bye," Kyle blurted, and picked up his son and hurried out.
"Hmph," Luna said from behind the bar, as the various male adventurers all found they had pressing business elsewhere. "Men. I don't know what you see in the man, Fio."
"That's because you don't remember what he looked like before he settled down," Fio sighed, groaning softly as she sank into a chair. She used her shawl to wrap herself up, then glanced at Luna. "Do you mind?"
"No, go ahead," Luna said, frowning at the men who had taken up residence at the back of the guild hall, or actually decided to go out and work that day. "Drink?"
"Tea, please," Fio said, and bared her breast, putting her infant to it to give suck.
Aqua watched in fascination. She knew where babies came from, obviously. As a Muse of the Arts, the human form and intercourse were major parts of human artistic expression, from love ballads to raunchy tavern songs, or beautiful classical art to crude bathroom wall scrawlings. Aqua considered it all art of a kind and loved it, but this was really the first time she'd watched a woman nurse her babe and, well…wanted one of her own.
"So, you really were the goddess Aqua, and not some crazy person the whole time," Fio commented, looking up from her child.
Aqua bristled at that. "Of course! Who else could be as amazingly talented and charmingly beautiful as me?"
"Aqua, we watched you chug beers on top of tables and lead the crowd in the dirtiest drinking songs I've ever heard," Luna said, sounding exasperated. "I had to help you to the bathroom when you were blind drunk and puking more than once."
"I mean, what's the point of drinking if you don't get drunk?" Aqua said philosophically.
The others looked at her, puzzled, and she clarified. "I could have just purified my blood, you know. But that takes all the fun out of it."
"You're not the one who had to clean up the bathrooms after you were sick," Luna muttered. Then she blinked. "Though that does explain why your vomit was all sparkly and smelled like fresh air after it rains."
After a moment of awkward silence, Aqua sighed and looked back into her drink. "I…I've never really…you know. Wanted kids before. What…what's it like?"
"Isn't the goddess Haruhi your daughter?" Fio asked, looking very confused.
"Yes, but I haven't had her yet, she's from the future," Aqua explained. When the two other women gave her incredulous looks, she said, "You know, like Future Trunks? Happens all the time, really."
"Er, I'm sure it does for gods," Fio said, sounding rather faint.
"I, ah, have wanted a child of my own, too," Luna admitted. She grimaced. "But I'm 32 and still a bachelorette…I'll never find someone."
"I mean, I'm like, 16 or something and Kazuma's the first boy I liked," Aqua said.
Fio and Luna looked incredulous for a moment, then Luna asked, "Sixteen…what?"
"Millennia, probably," Aqua said with a shrug. "I'm not so good at math."
That made the other women gape at her slightly, and Aqua felt defensive. "What? I know I'm young yet, but I've been a senior goddess for two thousand years already! I think I'm old enough to retire and start a family!"
"We'll miss you if you do, Senpai!"
The other two women goggled as Chris swaggered into the bar. Luna immediately bowed deeply, while Fio squeaked and turned around, highly embarrassed. "L-Lady Eris! We are not worthy! Please, what can this humble bar get you!"
"Oh, you do it for HER and not me?!" Aqua huffed, folding her arms over her chest and pouting.
Chris just laughed and hopped onto the stool next to Aqua's. "Oh relax you two, I'm here informally! Damn, I'll have to come up with a new disguise now that the cover on this one's blown! Oh well, give it a few decades and people will forget anyway."
"I-I'll just go then," Fio stammered, still trying to cover herself.
"Sit down, Fio. It's not like I haven't seen a nursing infant. Besides, Kenichi is a cutie pie, isn't he?" Chris cooed at the baby, who smiled and giggled, then pawed at the breast his mother was trying to cover.
"You…you're sure, Lady-"
"Yes, yes. And call me Chris! Bartender! My usual, please," Chris said, raising a finger.
"Um, yes, er…Chris." Luna poured a mug of ale, which Chris polished off in a single long pull, smacking her lips in delight.
"Ah! I'd have another, but I've got to get back to work soon. Just came by to have a chat with my best friend and former senpai!"
"I was just…" Aqua looked down at baby Kenichi, tears filing her eyes. "I was thinking: What if I had a baby with Kazuma? What would that be like?"
She started to sniffle and cry, and a hand gently patted Aqua on the back. At first she thought it was Chris, then Fio said gently, "It's hard. Having a child…it does things to your body…I'll never be the skinny little thing I was when I married Kyouya again. And it hurts. You sort of forget it, but I've had two children, and, well, I won't lie and say I'm not looking forward to having my third, but I definitely wish I could skip the blood, sweat, tears, and shit and get to the part where I hold my baby in my arms."
"Is it worth it though?" Aqua asked, blinking up blearily at Fio.
"Oh honey. I wouldn't trade it for the world," Fio said, laughing. She held Kenichi up, then rested him on her shoulder, patting his back until he burped and spit up a little, then promptly fell asleep. "They're gross, and they're smelly. They leave messes everywhere, wake you up in the middle of the night and demand you pay attention to their needs, and then they get you pregnant!"
Luna and Chris laughed uproariously, while Aqua frowned and tried to figure out what the joke was.
"No, but seriously, I love Kyouya dearly, and our children too. Being an adventurer was amazing! I got to go to so many wonderful places, and I was proud of my skills both in battle and as a thief. But no dragon I ever slew gave me as much satisfaction as the first time I held my son in my arms. It's not for everyone, true. But being a mother can be a wonderful life."
"Better than being a goddess?" Aqua asked hopefully.
"Uh…" Fio looked across Aqua at Chris, her eyes begging for help.
"You know, I was mortal once," Chris said quietly. She took Aqua's half finished mug, earning her a half-hearted grunt of protest, but Chris simply took a sip and peered into the dark brown ale. "I could have had a life like that. But I never found 'the one' or, well, was willing to give up my life of adventuring, even when I was getting older and it was harder and harder to keep up with the youngin's."
"I remember. We had such fun times together, I never wanted them to end," Aqua said quietly. "You were the Adventurer, I was the goddess…seeing you get old hurt so much…so…so I tried to keep you around. But Chris…I don't think I want that with Kazuma."
"Do you ever feel way out of your depth sometimes, Fio?" Luna asked, sounding rather stunned.
"Please. I married an Otherworlder hero. I'm always out of my depth," Fio said with a snort. She focused on Aqua again. "Look, goddess or not, you're a woman, right?"
"Yeah," Aqua said, nodding.
"Well, you get to choose, sister. Honestly? Being a divinity in heaven sounds great. If I had that choice…I don't know. I fell for Kyouya, hard. The things Clemea and I did to try to get that big idiot's attention…" Her expression fell, and she seemed to be remembering her fallen former companion. Then she shook her head. "Anyway. You've been around Kazuma. He's uh…"
"Very Kazuma," Luna grunted, pouring Chris and Aqua both another ale.
"Yeah that. But if he's the man you love? Yeah. Having his child…it's one of the best feelings in the world. Maybe even better than being a goddess. Though honestly? Trade? I bet goddesses don't have to change diapers. Speaking of which, want to see what it's really like, marrying the love of your life and bearing his child?"
"I think so," Aqua said, imagining holding a cute baby Haruhi in her arms, Kazuma at her side.
Fio stood. "Great. Because this one needs a change, and you need an education."
Several extremely gross minutes later, Fio bid them all farewell, and a thoroughly disgusted Aqua came back to the bar, downing her ale immediately. "That was even grosser than getting eaten by a toad! This is why I hate having to poop!"
"Yeah, sometimes I regret turning that feature on for this body," Chris mused. Then she grinned at Aqua. "Going to give up on settling down?"
"Um…no," Aqua admitted. "That was gross, but…Fio really loves her baby. She smiled and played with him, even changing that nasty diaper. I think I sort of want that too. Not the diapers though. Haruhi's a goddess, she shouldn't have them, right?"
"I dunno, I was raised mortal and my poop stinks just like the rest," Chris said with a shrug.
"Well, this conversation with my deity took a lovely turn," Luna said brightly. She eyed Chris. "All these years, and you never tried to set me up on a date?"
"Girl, I have sent more men your way than I can count. You take one look at each of them and send them packing. You remember Frank the Miller?"
Luna blinked, then jerked a nod.
"Literally the man of your prayers. Hard working, not half bad looking, honest, and had a good job. And what did you do?"
"I, uh, I conned him into supplying the guild with cheap flour so we could have higher margins on our fried bread stick sales," Luna muttered, looking down contritely.
"Uh huh. Don't go blaming the gods for this one. So the next time a man hits on you, maybe don't start wondering how you can use him as fodder to clear that one quest, OK?" Chris said, pointing an accusing finger at Luna.
"Yes, Chris," Luna muttered, looking like she wanted to crawl under the bar and die of embarrassment.
"Good! Because I'm rooting for you! Don't worry, you've got plenty of time left. I think a family is in your future if you want one!" Chris said with a wink.
"What about me?" Aqua asked, looking to Chris plaintively.
Chris looked pained, and pulled Aqua into a hug. "I'll miss you, Senpai. You were my best friend…and you have weird taste in men. But I want you to be happy."
"Thanks," Aqua sniffled.
"Also, uh, you better hurry up because if the Chief Goddess goes we are in serious trouble as a pantheon."
"Are you saying Aqua and Kazuma have to get together to save the world?" Luna asked, looking worried. "Because I've watched them for years, and, well…"
"The gods work in mysterious ways," Chris said cryptically.
Before that could be expanded on, someone kicked in the door.
"BEHOLD! I HAVE RETURNED TRIUMPHANT!" Megumin bellowed. "LUNA! I REQUIRE AN EXTRA LARGE PITCHER OF WINE OF YOUR FINEST VINTAGE!"
"M-Megumin!" Aqua gasped, jumping up. She hurried over to Megumin, who was hiding her face under her wide brimmed hat. "I, um…you know we're friends, right?"
Megumin's hat bobbed up and down once.
"If…if someone else was going to marry Kazuma…I would be glad it was you…you're my friends, and I want you to be happy," Aqua said, feeling more tears in her eyes. "But…but I…"
"Our love is not to be," Megumin rasped. She looked up at Aqua, and for a moment, she was the same young, hungry, insane girl that Aqua had met all those years and adventures ago. They hugged, both of them crying.
"So, uh, I hate to interrupt this pity party, but seriously, Haruhi's going on about running off on some wild goose chase that will get us all killed and we need to talk," Kazuma said.
"You are such a jerk," Aqua hiccuped, wiping her nose.
"Take care of him," Megumin whispered. "He's still a dear friend. And if he wrongs you, we shall plot his doom together."
"Ok," Aqua agreed, wiping her eyes again. "Will you be OK?"
"Once I have that wine I will be. LUNA! I DEMAND MY BEVERAGE!" Megumin thundered, striding over to the bar and plunking into a seat beside Chris. She turned to the thief/goddess, who grinned at her. "I knew, by the way."
"Oh? Did you?"
Megumin snorted. "Yes, obviously! Do you think I could spend all that time as the Chief Fan of the Silver Masked Brigade and not know the truth?"
"Yep. Had you totally fooled. It was hilarious."
"N-no! I knew the entire time! For you see, my Crimson Gaze pierces all, and I-"
Aqua stepped outside to where Kazuma was waiting, hands in his pockets, looking slightly dejected. She came up behind him and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry."
"Isn't it what you wanted? Me and Megumin to break up?" Kazuma said, sounding only a little bitter. Mostly, he sounded hurt. Aqua understood that a little now.
"Yes. No. I don't know," Aqua said, burying her face in the back of Kazuma's tunic. He'd changed back into his adventuring gear. Aqua liked that. It fit him, better than that track suit or school uniform. "I don't like it when my friends are sad."
"Really? Normally you'd make fun of me and Megumin," Kazuma said, giving a half hearted chuckle.
"Only if you're being dumb. But…you two did like each other. And, well…I want you to both be happy…even if I do want you now…"
Kazuma turned around, putting his arms around Aqua and resting his own head against her forehead. "Yeah. It's confusing for me too. Megumin and I do still love one another, but…"
Do you love me more? Aqua wanted to ask, but she couldn't make herself.
"I never liked the danger. Sure, it's fun going on adventures with you guys. But if everyone's safe…I'd rather just stay home. Yeah, I probably would get bored of sitting around and playing video games all day, but going on the occasional quest to harvest cabbages or working with Vanir on some invention to make money…that sounds way better than going and risking my life every day."
Aqua nodded, rubbing her head against Kazuma's chest as she did. "Undead and demons are evil and should be destroyed, but…I don't really want to go around smiting them unless I have to. I'd rather make people smile and laugh, and create things instead of destroying them."
"Yeah. I always liked that about you. Even when you're annoying and irritating, you're still fun," Kazuma said. Aqua pushed back to glare at him, but Kazuma didn't seem to notice, his eyes misty as he stared at nothing in particular. "You're my best friend. Honestly, maybe you're my first real friend. I can't imagine what life would be like without you. Yeah, I love Megumin, and she's cute…but I could see myself going through life without her. But not you, Aqua. What would be the point of getting rich if you're not there to waste my money? Or playing games if you're not there to make fun of me? I just…this has been the best part of my life. And I'd trade anything to keep spending it with you."
"You stupid NEET," Aqua muttered, putting her head into Kazuma's chest again and punching Kazuma in the shoulder.
"Ow! And I'm not a NEET anymore! For crying out loud, I even went back to school and that's not something I ever wanted to do! I just…look. Do you…?"
Aqua just nodded.
She felt Kazuma's fingers on her chin, and he lifted her head up to meet his eyes. "Then…do you…? You wouldn't be a goddess anymore, right?"
"Would I be your goddess?" Aqua asked, her voice very small.
A smile twitched on Kazuma's lips, and he rasped, "You'll always be my useless goddess."
"Kazutrash," Aqua said. And then she kissed him.
Something flowed out of her in that moment, but she didn't care.
She had something better to replace it.