Chapter 14

It's time for band. But I can't play piano because I punched an asshole. Yay.

My aunt sees me and walks over to me shaking her head. I wonder if my mom filled her in. They are close, but I think it was sort of unspoken that this should be a secret.

"That stinks, Kayoko. I'm sorry. You'll just follow along, I guess. I hope you recover enough to do one or two songs at the concert."

I nod, "Yeah. I hope so too."

I go over to the piano, where Hideki is getting settled. He sees me and grimaces, "No piano for a bit, huh? That's crappy."

"Yeah. It is. Do you have any extra copies of music for today? I forgot mine, on top of everything," I laugh wryly.

He shakes his head, "I don't, but why don't you sit on the bench with me? You can follow along with the music and that will make it easier for you to visualize playing, won't it?"

"I won't be in your way?"

"I don't think so. Not for practice anyway."

"Okay, thanks a lot Hideki. This makes me feel a lot better about my…situation."

He smiles at me, "Hey, no problem. Gotta look out for next year's first chair piano player, right?"

I smile back, "Thanks, if I can have both my hands working often enough maybe I'll get there."

He laughs, "You will, I know it."

I take a seat next to him on the bench, far enough away to give him some space, but close enough that I can see the music and his hands. As band practice commences, I realize he was right, this does a much better job of helping me learn the music when I can't play. I guess this is where I'll be for band practice until my hand and wrist get better.

I'm in the cafeteria after band. Akari had to stay later than me, but she should have been here by now. I'm starting to get a little worried.

Just as I'm thinking that she comes into the cafeteria, and she immediately sits down across from me, and she has a really…heightened look on her face. I hesitate to say crazy, but it's close.

"Um…what's going on Akari?"

She whispers, "I think a b-boy might like me."

I smile at her. "That's great. Who?"

She looks around like someone might hear us. "C-can we talk about it later? Can you see if Ai can come too? We can meet at your room."

I smile, "You really have taken to Ai, haven't you."

She nods, "Yeah, yeah. She's a g-good person. Also, w-way more of an expert on this than w-we are."

"That hurts a little Akari…but, you know what, looking at my romantic history…yeah, you're right." I laugh, "I'll set up the meeting."

—-

Me, Akari, and Ai are in my room. I'm sitting on the bed with Ai. Akari is standing in front of us like she's giving a presentation. She's just told us who this guy is.

"Michi? He's a second-year student who plays the French horn too, right?"

Akari nods.

If anyone is going to realize how great Akari is, it makes sense it would be someone who knows just how amazing she is at French horn.

Ai adds, "Ooo, I like it. Kind of romantic, you both play the same thing."

"So, why do you think he likes you?"

Akari pulls out her phone. "I g-gave him my number a few days ago because he asked for it. S-said maybe we could practice out of c-class together. Well, he ended up t-texting me and we t-talked a lot."

Akari hands me the phone so me and Ai can scroll through their conversation. She's right, they have talked a lot. And about lots of personal stuff.

This reminds me of how she was with Carsten. Texting is easier for her because of her anxiety so she can talk with people a lot more that way. Hopefully this has a better outcome for her than that did.

Ai says, "Wow, just from this I'd say there's a chance he likes you. But there's even more, isn't there?"

She nods nervously, "T-today in band he asked if I wanted to h-have a p-picnic with him this weekend."

Me and Ai exchange glances and nod at each other. We don't need to talk to know that we agree about this. I let Ai say it first since apparently Akari respects her opinion on this kind of thing more than mine.

Ai says, "Yeah, that sounds like a date. He didn't make it sound like anyone else would be there, right?"

"N-No he even said, 'just you and me'."

I say, "Definitely a date then. Did you say yes?"

She nods.

"So, you like him?"

She blushes, "I th-think so, yeah."

"Sounds great then. I hope it works out."

In response to these words of encouragement, Akari's face contorts into one of fear and her stuttering gets even worse than normal.

"Th-there is one r-really b-big problem, though. I'm...r-r-really anxious about th-this. Even for m-me. I kn-know I'm g-going to m-mess this up. H-he knows me m-mostly from t-texting or watching me in b-band. I'm a d-different p-person when I d-do those things. He doesn't r-really know how b-bad I am at t-talking. He…he…w-won't like m-me on a date."

I smile at her to try to encourage her. "Akari, I think you're better at talking than you think. Sure, it isn't the easiest thing in the world for you, especially when there are some extra stressors. But I've never had a hard time understanding you or anything."

Ai nods in agreement, "Yeah, and if you just tell him about why it's hard for you, he'll understand. And…if he doesn't, he isn't worth it." She looks at me and winks.

That sounds a lot like some of the advice I've given Ai about Carsten. I bet Akari thinks this is great wisdom from her more experienced friend, but it came from ME. I decide I probably shouldn't point that out right now, though…

Our words don't seem to have helped her much, as she still looks very worried. "I'm still n-not sure. My m-mind is t-telling me the right thing to d-do is to b-back out. To r-run away from this. It would b-be…easier. I know that's the anxiety…but the f-feeling is so s-strong."

I get up and hug Akari. "Is there any way we can come up with a plan to make you feel less anxious about it?"

"I d-don't know…"

Ai says, "Well, what if we made it a double date? Would you feel a little bit better if me and Carsten came?"

Akari thinks for a moment and finally some hope creeps on to her face, "Y-yeah! That might help."

Ai says, "Okay, let's plan for that. We can come up with a signal you can give us if you decide you want us to leave too, so that we aren't in the way too much. Basically, we can be there until you feel comfortable, and then you can get rid of us when you want some alone time with him." She winks at Akari.

Akari walks over to Ai and crouches down so she can hug her. I think this is the first time they've ever hugged. I think the two of them are now truly friends, and I'm really happy about that. They are both great people.

"Th-thank you, Ai. Th-this means a lot to me."

—-

I'm in my room alone. I'm trying to study, but I can't focus. Akari is on her double date, and I really want to know how it is going. It is kind of a bummer that I'm the only one in our friend group who doesn't get to be there. They've been gone for a while now, which I think must mean it is going well.

Just as I finally manage to focus on my studying, there's a knock on the door. By now, I can instantly recognize Akari's knock. I open the door and she has a huge smile on her face. This might be the happiest I've ever seen her.

Without saying anything, she comes into my room and sits down on the bed.

I try to replicate her huge smile when I say, "So, judging from the way you're…glowing, I take it that it went well?"

She nods enthusiastically, "He k-kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend."

I sit down on the bed next to her and put my arm around her. "Aw, congratulations. That's great. You have a boyfriend now!"

She blushes, "I kn-know, it doesn't seem real."

I laugh, "Well it is. See, I told you you were pretty."

"Y-yeah…he told me that too. It was r-really nice to hear."

"So, the double date plan worked, huh?

Akari nods, "Yeah. I don't think I could have done it w-without them. I was so anxious at the beginning that I literally couldn't talk. But Carsten and Ai saw that and distracted him with conversation while I adjusted to the situation. After about an hour and a half I signaled them to leave so I could have him to myself." She smiles bashfully. "A-and that's when the kiss and stuff happened."

I smile broadly at her. "That's great. Well, I'm looking forward to getting to know him."

"Y-yeah, I was going to invite him to l-lunch, if that's okay."

"Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?"

She stands up, "I dunno, but I wanted to check. Okay well, I'm very sleepy after being a b-ball of anxiety all day. I'm going to go to bed."

I smile at her, "Sleep well. I'm happy you had such a great day, Akari."

I sit down on my bed after she leaves, feeling really happy for Akari. But after a little bit I realize something, and my emotions take a more negative turn. I'm the only one of my close friends who doesn't have a significant other now. Daisuke has Kaito, Ai and Carsten have each other, and now Akari has Michi. I'm happy for all of them, of course. But I can't help but feel a little crappy about it. I still haven't even had a boyfriend. I don't even really feel like trying to date right now after the Hiroshi thing…but I still can't shake this feeling.

Is that why she felt like she had to ask me about inviting him to lunch? I…guess it might be a little bit awkward. I'm a fifth-wheel now.

—-

The next day, Hiroshi is in class, but as my mom promised he is sitting clear on the other side of the classroom. I wonder how she did it. I guess maybe just talking to Ms. Hamada would do it? But that doesn't explain why he isn't sitting near me in other classes either. That woman definitely has some significant power at this school.

I don't have any reason to interact with him now, so ignoring him will be much easier. He seems to have chosen to forget I exist too, and I'm perfectly happy with that. Just looking at him makes my wrist ache.

At lunch, I formally meet Michi. We're in band together, but we've never really had a conversation about anything.

"M-michi, this is Kayoko, my best friend. You kind of know each other, I guess, r-right?"

I nod, "Know of each other at least. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. You have yourself a great girl, you know."

He blushes and looks at Akari and gets a massive smile on his face. I can tell he really likes her, and he knows she's beautiful. I love to see that. He says, "I know. Nice to meet you too."

He's a cute guy. He isn't very tall, as he's a bit shorter than me. But he's still tall enough to be a lot taller than Akari. He has nice hazel eyes, dimples when he smiles, and great black hair that he keeps in a man-bun. Basically, he's the kind of guy that your typical girl would look at him and think he's attractive. That makes it even better that Akari got him. If only because some people at this school think she's weird, and I like the idea of other girls being jealous of her for dating a cute older guy.

We're sitting down on the grass together, the two couples are sitting quite close to each other, and I'm sitting alone. That crappy feeling from last night creeps back into my stomach. I feel bad for feeling like this. I just need to be happy for everyone. I am happy for everyone. There's just…also this extra crappy feeling of…something? Jealousy, I guess.

The good news is that Akari and Michi aren't the same as a new couple as Carsten and Ai were. They are sitting close together and holding hands. It's very cute. I appreciate the restraint.

—-

Akari and Michi have been together for two weeks now. They are happy and super adorable together. The new normal is that he comes to lunch with us every day. Then, after band, Akari goes off with him, or he comes here until curfew. It's cute they are worried about breaking that rule, since so many students do. At this point Carsten basically lives in Ai's dorm room.

When Akari and Michi are here, I usually spend a little bit of time with them, usually right after band, but I also don't want to get in their way, so I don't stick around very long. Usually after he leaves, or she gets back to the dorm she spends some time with me, and we talk about our day and stuff. We talk a lot less and spend significantly less time together, which is to be expected. But it is taking some adjusting.

This all means that I'm alone more often in the evenings than I'm used to. I'm mostly doing okay, but I still can't shake the crappy feeling I have. I still haven't completely identified it either. It is mixed, I guess. A combination of jealousy and guilt. Jealousy because I don't have someone like they do, and guilt because I feel so jealous about something that is making all my friends so happy. I feel like maybe there's something else in there too, but I can't figure it out.

I'm thankful that tonight Daisuke and Kaito invited me to their dorm. Apparently, it is the Jewish New Year, and Kaito has prepared some things for us that people eat for that holiday. If a holiday involves eating, I'm definitely in. I'll still be spending time with a couple I guess, but the way I feel about Daisuke now, it's just like I'm spending time with my older brother and his boyfriend. So, it's a different vibe than being around friends and their significant others.

—-

I knock on Kaito's door and say, "It's Koyoko." I hear a voice kind of far away from the door say, "Come in," so I do. When I do, it's just Kaito, and he's setting the table.

I'm not sure what to do in this situation. He clearly has a lot of experience setting the table, but the fact that he's blind must make it hard. Should I offer my help? Or is that rude? I guess he's not going to hate me if I do.

"Do you need any help with that?"

He says, "No, that's okay. Thank you for the offer though. You can come and have a seat."

I do as he asks. This time the food looks less unusual to my Japanese sensibilities. Right now, all I see is a large bowl of some kind of small pasta…couscous I think it's called, with vegetables. My dad made couscous a few times.

"Daisuke is getting the cake out of the oven. He should be back soon." I feel my mood improve slightly when I hear the word cake. I'm not quite as bad as my mom is about food, but I'm definitely her daughter.

"So, I'm guessing you're the only Jewish student at the school, huh?"

He nods, "I am fairly certain that's the case. Though I would say I'm mostly only Jewish culturally. I don't know more than the basics when it comes to the religion. But when it comes to the food and the holidays, well, I know most of it." He laughs.

"Yeah, you really like cooking, huh? Everything you make is always so good."

"I do. I don't know whether it's because I don't have sight, or if I would be like this anyway, but I really enjoy tasting things. Figuring out ways to take different flavors and put them into a dish is really compelling to me. I'm seriously considering doing culinary school next year instead of university. My parents don't love the idea." He laughs, "Both Japanese and Jews are stereotyped as people who really push their kids to get a good education and succeed in a profession that will make good money. Both of my parents fit the stereotype. But cooking is by far the thing I'm most passionate about."

The next question I'm going to ask might be a little blunt, but at this point this guy isn't that far from being in my family, so I'm just going to ask.

"That's cool, I think you should do it. Is cooking difficult without sight?"

He thinks for a moment and then says, "I suppose I face some challenges. One of the reasons Kaito is getting the cake is it is difficult for me to use an oven, especially when I'm not in a kitchen I really know. Without sight, figuring out exactly how much space there is between the racks is hard to do without getting burned. I mixed the cake and everything, but it's his job to put it in and take it out." He laughs, "I think he can handle it."

I laugh, "Yeah I don't think he can mess that up."

"If I take the time to get to know a kitchen really well though, I don't think cooking for me is that much more difficult. It just takes some extra work to get to that point."

"That makes sense."

"Am I correct that you still have your wrist immobilizer on?"

"Um…yes. You could hear that, I guess?"

"Yes. You've had that on for quite a while, that can't be fun."

"Yeah, I did get my finger splint off which is…something. But I messed up my wrist pretty badly. I may have it on for a couple more weeks."

"Is that why you are a bit down this evening?"

That is some impressive intuition. Especially when you consider he must base it mostly on my voice.

I sigh, "It's part of it. Not being able to play the piano is hard. Um…but the main thing is all my friends are dating and stuff, and I'm not. I'm having a hard time with it."

Daisuke comes in holding a Bundt cake pan with oven mitts just when I finished the sentence. The cake smells good. I can't quite place the flavors from scent alone, but it definitely smells good.

Daisuke puts it down and asks, "What are you having a hard time with?"

I sigh, "Um. Akari has a boyfriend now. Ai and Carsten are together, obviously. So, I'm like a fifth wheel a lot of the time in our group. It makes me feel kind of crappy. And then I feel bad because they are all so happy and I'm acting like a child."

Daisuke comes to sit down next to me, "You're not acting like a child. There are plenty of adults in this world who are sad they don't have someone. Lots of them, I think. It's normal. Not that it makes it suck any less."

"...yeah…"

"Loneliness is a very common thing to feel. I think any one of your friends would feel the same way if the situation were different. So, I don't think you should feel guilty or anything."

I nod, "Yeah…that does help a little. We um…we don't have to keep talking about this. It's a holiday, right? I don't want to be a downer. We can talk about this some other time if it's still bothering me."

Daisuke nods, "Sure. Focusing on this food should help you some too."

Kaito smiles, "Actually there's something about this holiday that you might like if you're feeling this way."

"Other than the food?"

He laughs, "Yes, other than the food. One of the big things with the New Year is casting off one's sins. In other words, getting rid of things you feel bad about. I agree with Daisuke that I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling how you do. But if you want to try another way to get rid of that bad feeling, you could cast it off."

"Yeah? How do I do that?"

"Well, normally we would need a body of water of some kind. But I think we can make do with a cup of water." He turns his head towards Daisuke expectantly. He responds by bringing me a cup of water.

"So, as I explained to you…I'm not so good on the religious part. Normally one recites a prayer in Hebrew and symbolically casts their sin into the water. But I'm afraid I can't do the prayer part." He breaks off a small piece of bread and hands it to me. "So, just think about what you're feeling bad about, and put that piece of bread in there."

I mean, I guess it couldn't hurt.

I close my eyes and think about how I'm feeling, wishing that I didn't feel jealous of my friends who are all so happy. I wish I could just be happy for them. I envision sort of channeling those negative feelings into my hand and then into the bread. I put the piece of bread in the glass.

"Now Daisuke will go dump that in the sink, so it will really be 'cast away.'"

Daisuke is sitting comfortably and looks more than ready to eat. He says, "I…will?"

Kaito turns towards him, smiles and says, "Won't you?"

Daisuke rolls his eyes and says, "Yes, fine."

He leaves the room to go somewhere to dump out the water and bread. Presumably the kitchen.

Kaito turns to me and smirks, "He rolled his eyes when I said that didn't he?"

I giggle. "Your intuition is impressive."

He laughs, "I'll remember that. I always assumed there was an eye roll when he took that tone with me. Nice to have it confirmed."

"Thanks for doing that for me, Kaito. I feel like it helped a little. Just even…imagining that I can get rid of the feeling by doing something like that makes it a little less."

He smiles, "Good. That means you'll have more room for the food too."

I laugh, "Yes, that's what's more important."

Daisuke comes back before long, and we go about eating the couscous. Apparently, it has seven types of vegetables in it because in Judaism the world was created in seven days. It's pretty good. But I've been mostly thinking about that cake. Apparently, I'm not hiding it that well, either.

Daisuke laughs, "Interested in the cake, huh?" He turns to Kaito, "She's been staring at it for at least a minute."

Kaito laughs, "Well, we can have it shortly. Like most things we eat during Jewish holidays, it is symbolic. It is a honey-apple cake. Eating it is supposed to give you a better chance of having a 'sweet' new year. In fact in Hebrew, the greeting for the holiday roughly translates to, 'Have a happy and sweet New Year.'"

I laugh, "So you're telling me this cake will taste incredible and give me a better year? That sounds like the best cake ever. Don't tell my mom." This gets a pretty big laugh out of Daisuke.

Daisuke slices each of us a piece of the cake. From the first bite it tastes amazing. It has shredded apples in it, and you can taste the honey too. It's very moist and somewhere in between bread and cake in terms of texture. We all end up having a second piece. After that, we're in a stupor from eating too much. The mark of a holiday that was well-celebrated I suppose.

Daisuke says, "Eating this much made me think of your mom." This prompts a giggle out of me. "How's she been doing since you moved out?"

"She's doing well, I think. I've stayed over there a couple nights since I moved. I know your parents have her over there a lot, and she's working hard to find a place for my dad's parents in town. Plus, track club and work of course. So, she's busy. Which is probably good."

"That's good. When are the Nakais moving here?"

"The plan is in November. So just a couple of months if things work out."

"It will probably be good for her to have them here."

"Yeah, I think so, mostly. I'm a little worried she'll be more stressed about things since they will sort of be her responsibility. But she does really love them. She wants to cook dinner for them every day and stuff like that. I think it will be nice for everyone."

Daisuke nods, "I think my parents will probably help too. They like the Nakais a lot. They were a big help after Saki back in the day, and then after we lost your dad…"

I really miss my dad lately. Maybe because I've been alone more and had more time to think about it?

I feel myself start to tear up. I really don't want to cry here. I push the feeling down.

"Yeah, that's good. I know they are all close. Hey, can I help clean up?"

Kaito answers, "If you'd like to. But are you okay?"

It's like he has superpowers. He must have noticed a change in my breathing or something.

"Yeah, I mean, still just a little down about the stuff I talked about earlier. I'll um…take some of these dishes down to the kitchen and wash them."

Daisuke says, "I'll come with you."

We wash the dishes together. Having something to do helps my mind be more at ease and I feel the growing sadness inside of me decline a bit. We go back to Kaito's room, and I notice it's late.

"Well, I think I'm gonna go. Thanks so much for inviting me. I'd love to do some of the other holidays, Kaito. Or you know, just eat stuff you cook for any reason."

He laughs, "Well it was nice having you as always. Please take a piece of cake home with you. See you soon."

Daisuke gives me a hug and says, "Let me know if you need to talk about anything else, okay?"

Okay maybe it doesn't take superpowers.

"I will. You both helped me tonight talking about the…loneliness stuff. So, thanks. See you later!"

—-

When I get back to my room, I feel the depression welling up inside of me again. I do really miss my dad today. I haven't felt this bad about that since the anniversary. I probably just need to cry. That always helps. I crawl into bed and grab my capybara and think about all the things my dad would be doing if he were still here.

Things would be so much better if he were still here. He should be my teacher. He should be here to help me and take care of me. He should be here to help me understand stuff with boys. He should still be with mom, making her as happy as she used to be. If he were still here, they would be at home together right now cuddling on the couch. He should be here helping her cope with her grief. He should be here to help her with caring for his parents. The universe is really unfair to take him from us.

There's a knock on the door, and I know it's Akari. I don't really know if I want to let her in right now. I guess she did say I could talk about my dad with her. But it's such a downer. Especially because she just got back from her boyfriend's.

I say, "I'm coming." and get up and open the door for her. I try to wipe away my tears first, but as soon as I open the door Akari says, "What's wrong?"

"I'm just having a hard day without my dad. We don't need to talk about that though."

"Are you sure? We c-can."

I sigh, "You're probably in a good mood right now. Can we just talk about you and Michi? Did you guys have fun tonight?"

She looks at me seriously. "We had a g-good time, but that doesn't m-matter right now, okay? Just tell me what you're thinking about."

I sit down on the bed and grab the capybara again and hug it to my chest.

"I just know my mom's having a hard time with stuff. And I was thinking how much better it would be if my dad was here. And that the universe sucks because he isn't."

Akari sits down next to me, "Yeah. It does s-suck. I would have liked to have met him. And I c-can see how much your mom loves him and misses him. It breaks my heart a little and I never saw them together. So, I can only imagine how it feels for you."

"Yeah. It does not feel good." I smile, "You missed out on him being your science teacher. Kind of funny to think about that."

"Yeah, that's crazy. All the boys think our current science t-teacher is hot, it would be all the g-girls if it was him."

We both laugh and I hit her in the side with the capybara.

"I guess maybe that's one good thing, then. I feel like it would be awkward if I knew half the girls at this school were into my dad."

She laughs, "H-half? At least three quarters. You would have a lot of girls trying to be your friend just to g-go to dinner at your house."

This earns her another capybara to the side. But then I put it down and hug her with my good arm.

"Thanks for cheering me up, Akari. Even if your crush on my dad's a little creepy. Don't tell Michi, he might get jealous."

She laughs, "I w-won't."

"So, how was your evening with him?"

"It was g-good." She blushes. "We w-were going to go to the cafeteria for d-dinner but then w-we started making out and lost track of the t-time..."

"Ooo. That must have been some make out session."

She laughs, "It r-really was. I am kind of hungry though."

I laugh, "I guess that's the trade off, huh? Oh, do you want a piece of cake? I did Jewish New Year with Daisuke and Kaito and there's this honey cake thing. He sent me home with a piece."

"That does s-sound amazing."

I get up and get the piece out for her, along with a plastic fork. "It's supposed to make you have a 'sweet' new year too. Maybe that means you'll make out lots more with Michi."

She laughs and sits down at the desk to eat it. She must really be hungry; I almost feel like I'm watching my mom. Once she finishes, she turns to me and says, "Or m-maybe more than just making out."

I laugh, "Yeah? How far have you guys gone?"

She blushes, "Not very far. He wants to but is being very nice about me wanting to go slower. The only thing we've done under clothes is um…he t-touched my boobs, t-tonight…" She turns even redder. "But that's the farthest."

I giggle at her. "You used to tell me you didn't have boobs. Now you have a boy happily caressing them for you."

She giggles, "He d-does make me feel b-better about all that stuff. He t-tells me how pretty I am a lot. And y-yeah he really likes my b-body."

"I tell you those things, but I guess it does mean more coming from a boy. Especially one who is touching your boobs." I giggle.

She laughs, "Yeah, it is a little d-different coming from him."

She gets up and sits next to me on the bed again with a more serious expression on his face. "Do you need to talk more about anything?"

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

"Not tonight, I don't think."

She nods, but she doesn't entirely look convinced.

"Okay well, I guess it's time for bed. Thank you for the c-cake. Goodnight!

"Goodnight Akari."