Happy Wednesday my loves! Hope you all had a wonderful week.
I can't thank you enough for all the comments after last week's chapter! Things are just getting started :)
Eternal gratitude for Christine and her magic editing skills.
Love and kittens for Sofi and all her help.
This week's song is Chase the Night Away.
Enjoy!
You can shape the dying day
Into something better
We can hold the ghosts at bay
Build something together
It was still raining.
Whenever Blaine looked out the window, it was raining. It had been three days and he was starting to believe the city was never going to be dry again.
Three days. Only three days. It felt like it had been longer. Every day felt a little grayer than the last, and it wasn't just because of the weather. It was like all the color had been suddenly drained out of Blaine's life.
He was being dramatic. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that terrible. Sometimes friendships didn't work out. Sometimes people were in your life for a fleeting moment. Sometimes…
Sometimes you made mistakes.
It had all been a mistake. How could Blaine get so close to another married man? It had been such a terrible idea. His loneliness had blinded him and he had ignored all the signs. He should have put an end to it as soon as he realized there was even a tiny bit of spark between them. And god, it had been so much more than just a spark…
He couldn't stop thinking about that kiss.
The truth was that it was the most amazing thing that had happened to him in weeks. In months. Fuck it, it felt like the most amazing thing that had happened to him in years, and how sad was that? He closed his eyes at night to sleep and he could see Kurt leaning in, he could feel his hand on his cheek, could feel the warmth of his body. He tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, his husband right next to him, and his head filled with thoughts of another man.
He missed Kurt. It had only been three days and yet he missed him. He knew it wasn't a good idea to contact him, not after what had happened, and knowing that he wasn't supposed to see him again only made the ache in his chest deeper.
Blaine wasn't a cheater, and the fact that he was most likely being cheated-on didn't make him feel any less guilty.
And yet the guilt didn't stop him from wishing he could kiss Kurt again.
God, he was a mess.
If Jack noticed he was acting differently, he didn't comment on it. Maybe he couldn't tell, maybe they had become so entirely disconnected that he couldn't even look at his husband and realize there was something wrong with him. Maybe they had been inhabiting two completely different planets lately, and they only orbited together when their kids were involved…
"Squirt," a voice cut through Blaine's thoughts. He shook his head slightly, trying to get rid of them, and found Cooper standing right next to him. "Are you listening to me?"
The water was running in the sink full of dishes Blaine had meant to wash, but he had been staring out the window, his eyes lost in the outline of the buildings veiled by the rain outside. From the living room, he could hear voices – Brianna and Lena talking and Jack saying something to Theo, mixed with the background noise of the television perpetually on one of the kids' favorite shows. Cooper looked at him, frowning, waiting for him to react.
"Sorry, what were you saying?" Blaine asked and turned back to the task at hand.
Cooper was serious, clearly worried. "You were really silent during dinner. When you guys asked us to come over, I thought maybe things were better between you and Jack."
Blaine shushed him. "Keep your voice down, okay? I don't want Lena or Theo to hear you," he said. "And everything's the same. Nothing's… nothing's changed."
It was a lie. Something had changed. But Blaine wasn't sure how to talk to Cooper about Kurt. Or even if he should. Maybe he should pretend that Kurt didn't even exist and hope that was enough to forget…
Forget that kiss, forget the rush of electricity that went through him when they were together, forget that sense of rightness when Kurt touched him…
"Do you still think he's…" Cooper glanced back, making sure no one was listening to their conversation. "Do you still think he's cheating on you?"
"Yes," Blaine said. The doubts were gone. Whatever uncertainty he'd had on the matter had vanished. He looked at Jack, and he knew.
Cooper's blue eyes were fiery with rage. "That bastard. I should…"
"No," Blaine stopped him. "There's nothing for you to do. It's my marriage. I'll deal with it."
"How?" Cooper wanted to know. "How are you going to deal with it, Blaine? You can't just let him do this…"
"Cooper," Blaine cut him off, his voice a warning, because Cooper tended to started to yell when he was particularly angry or excited. "Please, keep your voice down. My children are nearby."
"Fine, fine, sorry," Cooper raised his hands defensively. "But it makes my fucking blood boil, Blaine. You don't deserve this. You don't have to accept this."
Blaine closed his eyes for a moment and focused on the water running over his hands, plate held between them. He had a pounding headache all of a sudden. He just wanted to lie in a dark room and curl up into a ball. "Coop, I'm dealing with this as best as I can, and I know it's not much but… I can't, okay? Please, just… don't make me feel worse."
Cooper sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I'm sure it's already hard enough knowing…" he paused, let the silence swallow the rest of the words he was going to say. They didn't need to be said, anyway. "I just couldn't stop thinking about it while we were eating. He acts like everything's just the same. I can't wrap my head around it."
"There are differences," Blaine replied quietly. "Subtle ones."
Cooper wouldn't have noticed them, not like Blaine did. Jack no longer pressed his hand to Blaine's thigh under the table when they were eating, and he didn't lean into him, shoulders knocking together with a familiarity born out of over a decade together. He no longer stole bites off of Blaine's plate, he no longer glanced at him when he was talking like whatever Blaine was saying was worth holding his breath for.
Blaine wondered if he did all those things for Eddie now. He wondered if Eddie had stolen all the things that had made them them.
Did Eddie know about them? Did Eddie know Jack had two little kids at home, and a husband who had once been his whole world? Did he not care that he was responsible for breaking and tainting all of it?
Of course, he wasn't the only one to blame. Jack had been the one who had it all and still went looking for more in all the wrong places.
Blaine wondered how they had met. And then he realized he wasn't sure if he wanted to know.
"I hate…" Cooper started, stopped, like he wasn't sure he was allowed to say this. He looked defeated. "I hate to see you like this, Blaine. Torturing yourself for something that you don't deserve. You looked a million miles away all night. I can't imagine what it must be like, having the knowledge that this is going on, and just trying to go about your day as usual…"
He had been a million miles away all night because Kurt felt a million miles away, and he was all he could think of. He kept wondering where he was, if he was just having a quiet night in with his husband, if he was thinking about Blaine, if he was still thinking about that kiss like he was, or if it just had been a spur of the moment thing for him, something he did without really meaning to, something that hadn't rocked his world like it had rocked Blaine's…
"Cooper, I need to tell you something," he said.
He must have looked really desperate, because Cooper reached to turn the faucet off, effectively cutting all distractions. Blaine grabbed a kitchen cloth and dried his hands. Then he simply held onto it, twisting it between his fingers, anxiously.
"What is it?" Cooper asked.
Was Blaine hyperventilating? He felt like he was hyperventilating. His chest was tight. The headache pounded, incessant.
"I… I kissed someone else," he blurted out, making sure to keep his voice low. "Or… he kissed me, actually. But I didn't stop him."
He couldn't look at Cooper. He couldn't face the judgement that he would surely find in his eyes. But when Cooper didn't say anything, he had to force himself to glance at him.
Cooper was grinning at him like a maniac. Blaine had to blink at him for a moment, making sure he wasn't imagining it, because it was the last reaction he had expected him to have.
"Did you… did you hear what I said?" Blaine asked him, confused.
"I did," Cooper confirmed, still grinning. "Who is he? Tell me all about him."
"His name is Kurt, he… he's a children's book author, and he came to my class to meet the kids and…" Blaine stumbled through every word, and then simply said: "Why are you smiling? Cooper, stop it. It's not right."
Cooper took a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone. They could still hear their spouses playing and talking with the kids in the living room. "Blaine, listen to me…" he said seriously. He put his hands on Blaine's shoulders to make sure he looked him in the eye. "It was just a kiss, right? So it's fine. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I'm married, Cooper," Blaine retorted, looking at his brother like he was crazy.
"Yeah, and your husband is fucking someone else, so is a kiss really that terrible?" Cooper said, and Blaine took a step back, like he had punched him. "Sorry. Sorry, I know that's a horrible way to say it, but it's true, Blaine. You know it is."
"This is not the kind of man I am," Blaine protested.
"I know you're not," Cooper said, and the way he said it, so matter-of-factly that it soothed Blaine's frustration a bit. "You're a good guy. You're a good husband and a good father, but Blaine… it's okay to falter, especially when you're having a hard time. And I know you're having the hardest time right now."
"It's doesn't justify what I did…" Blaine said, running a hand down his face. He felt so tired. "And the worst part is… I can't stop thinking about it, Coop. I can't stop thinking about him. We became friends and he's sort of the only person who's managed to keep me from losing my mind with this whole Jack thing, but I haven't seen him since and I… it feels like someone carved a hole in my chest and it's making it hard to breathe."
"Hey, hey, hey," Cooper muttered, worried, squeezing his shoulder to make him stop. "Blaine, relax."
"I can't relax, Cooper!" Blaine said, and it was Cooper who had to shush him now. "I can't. It's all I can think about, and it doesn't matter that Jack's been going behind my back, I feel wrong for wanting to see him again…"
"Does he… does he make you happy?" Cooper asked.
Blaine deflated, all the fight in him leaving him. "Yes. Yes, I think he does."
"Then it's the least you deserve, little brother," Cooper said. He looked right into his eyes, making sure Blaine was paying attention. "You have been nothing but devoted to Jack, to your children, to everything you share since the moment you met him. You have never done anything wrong, you have been selfless, let go of things that were important to you because they didn't fit what this marriage and family was anymore. You are always making sacrifices, and how does he repay you? He cheats on you. It's only fair you find your own way to be happy, Blaine. I'm not saying you have to let this become something too complicated, I'm just saying that if someone out there can give you what you need, you should take it."
"Wouldn't that turn me into a bad guy?" Blaine asked, desperation dripping from every word. "I've been hurt by what Jack's been doing, and now I'm supposed to do the same? I'm not a hypocrite."
"Life isn't black and white, Blaine. There's no absolute definition of good and bad. You just do what you can to get through the day, and you hope you get it right," Cooper said softly. "I'm not saying you have to look for revenge and pay Jack back by by purposefully hurting him… I'm just saying that you need to find a way to be happy, too, that you need to find a way to get through this without breaking beyond repair." He paused, before he added: "And you should also figure out what you want to do about Jack, because you can't just keep your mouth shut about this forever."
The ache in Blaine's chest seemed to only intensify. "I don't want to wreck my family."
"You're not the one wrecking your family," Cooper said. "Jack took the first step to do that. And no matter how much you sacrifice yourself, you will not be able to hold it together, Blaine."
"But the kids…" He muttered.
"The kids aren't dumb. They're young but I'm sure they'll figure out things are not going well between their fathers," Cooper explained. "They'll be happier if you're happier. Parents get divorced all the time, Blaine, it doesn't mean…"
Blaine's stomach churned. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
It was Cooper who seemed desperate now. "Blaine, you can't just ignore what's happening. You…"
"What are you two doing hiding in here?" Jack said, coming into the kitchen, smile intact, like nothing had ever been wrong, Theo in his arms.
Blaine turned his back to him to hide his face, which he knew showed how upset he was. "Nothing, just doing the dishes and catching up. What's up?" He asked, as he turned the faucet back on and resumed his cleaning. He could feel Cooper deflating, disappointed, next to him.
"Lena is demanding dessert," Jack replied. He put Theo down, who immediately ran to his uncle Coop. Jack stopped next to Blaine and dropped a kiss to his shoulder, like he used to do before… before everything was broken. The gesture took Blaine by surprise. "Leave that. We'll take care of it later."
"Sure," Blaine said. His hands were shaking. "Dessert's in the fridge. Why don't you grab it? We'll be right there."
Jack did just that and walked back out of the kitchen.
Cooper, Theo in his arms, glanced at Blaine, words clearly on the tip of his tongue.
"Don't," Blaine warned him. Not in front of his son. He smiled for Theo, dried his hands, and tickled him. "Who's ready for some dessert?" He asked.
"Me, me, me!" Theo exclaimed, happily.
"Then let's go," he said, and avoided his brother's eyes.
He shouldn't have told him about Kurt. Now Cooper wouldn't let him forget.
You can see the beauty in
A dirty rain-lashed street
Or a plan that goes nowhere
You can make this town feel kind
Though the buildings cry
But you don't belong, don't belong
There was a message on his phone that he had stared at almost non-stop for the past few days. Whenever the screen went black, Kurt brought it back to life, as if afraid he would miss a reply if he wasn't watching. But the simple text remained ignored, and it seemed to squeeze Kurt's heart every time he reread what he had wrote: I'm so sorry. Please, let's talk about it.
It was obvious Blaine did not want to talk about it.
That damn kiss. Why had Kurt been so impulsive? He hadn't meant to do that. It was stupid to pretend he wasn't incredibly attracted to Blaine, but he should have realized his feelings weren't reciprocated. And even if they had been, they were both married. All they could have was friendship.
It didn't mean friendship wasn't enough. Ever since that rainy afternoon, Kurt had learned what his life could be like without Blaine in it, and he didn't like it, despite the fact that he had survived thirty-seven years of his life without him. He would much rather have him as a friend than not having him at all, and he felt so idiotic for not being more careful, for blurring the lines, for making Blaine uncomfortable…
Just because Kurt felt lonely, like a second thought in everyone's life, it didn't mean he could use Blaine to feel better.
It was almost midnight and Ian wasn't home. For once, Kurt didn't care. He was done chasing after his husband to remind him there was life outside the office. He was done begging for crumbs of attention. He was done hoping for more. If Ian didn't want to come home to his husband, maybe there was a reason.
As he stood in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil for a cup of tea, Kurt touched the screen of his phone again, keeping the message alight. He considered calling Santana – if there was anyone who could slap some sense into him, it was her. But he couldn't. He realized he was embarrassed: he didn't understand how he had let things get so complicated, so twisted. It felt like something inside him was screaming for help, and he had pretended not to hear it until this very moment, when he had already ruined everything.
Santana had met the love of her life in high school, had married her without a second's hesitation, had known from the very beginning that they both wanted the same things; that they were heading in the same direction hand in hand. She would never understand what it was to marry someone and, years down the line, realize something wasn't working out. She could be a cold hard bitch when the situation required it, but when it came to love, she was a true believer: you ended up with the person you were meant to be with.
None of his friends would understand. They could be sympathetic, but that was it. In the end, they would look at Kurt and see someone who was confused, who had cheated on his husband, who was selfish…
Or maybe he was just seeing those things in himself, and he didn't like it.
He grabbed his phone. He clicked on Blaine's contact and this time, instead of staring at his own message, he started writing another one: I miss you. Please, just talk to me…
The sound of the front door startled him. He quickly deleted the message instead of sending it, and he placed his phone back on the counter, letting the screen turn off this time.
"Oh hey," Ian said as he came into the kitchen, a tired smile on his face. "You didn't need to wait up for me."
Kurt smiled back, and hoped it looked genuine. "I don't mind," he lied.
Ian put his bag down on the kitchen island before he made his way to Kurt. He wrapped his arms around his waist and pull him into a hug, melting against him. Kurt clung to him and closed his eyes tightly. This is enough, this is enough, this is enough, he repeated to himself, like a mantra.
"You're the best husband ever," Ian whispered and dropped a line of kisses on the column of Kurt's neck. "You've been so patient. I know I haven't been home as much as you'd like, but I promise I'll make it up to you…"
Kurt nodded and told himself not to cry.
With one last kiss, this time to the edge of his jaw, Ian pulled away. "I'm going to take a shower. But I'll meet you in bed in ten minutes?"
Ian's fingers were digging into his waist, and Kurt knew what it meant. There was a bit of urgency in Ian's eyes, and maybe he had realized how long it had been since they had been intimate, maybe he was finally seeing the distance that had grown between them.
Kurt kept the smile on his face, and it almost hurt. "Sure."
Ian winked and walked out of the kitchen. Kurt leaned against the counter, feeling like he was about to crumble. The water boiled, the kettle whistling for attention behind him. Kurt poured the water into a mug.
He drank his tea. It burned his tongue, but he almost didn't feel it. Something inside of him seemed cracked, exposed, raw. It was all he could feel. He heard the shower start and, as he drank the last few drops of tea, stop, in the master bathroom. He put his empty mug in the sink. He couldn't bring himself to wash it. He would deal with it in the morning.
"Kurt? Are you coming?" Ian called from the bedroom.
Kurt took a deep breath. He left his phone on the kitchen counter, facing down. He didn't need to check it again to know there wasn't a reply. It had been days. There wouldn't be a reply.
He joined his husband in the bedroom and told himself to stop being stupid.
You can chase the night away
Guess I'm trying to say
You heal me like the light of day
You can keep me searching on
You say it won't be long
'Til all the pain you felt is gone
It won't be long
The rain had stopped and the sun had come out but the cold seemed to seep down into his bones, no matter how many layers he wore. Blaine walked aimlessly down the street after dropping Lena at karate and Theo at his piano lesson. His feet wanted to take him to the coffee shop where he usually met Kurt, but he knew he wasn't going to be there. And even if he was… what difference was that going to make?
He headed to the park. Maybe he could walk for a bit, get some exercise in. He had stopped going to the gym, too. Every place he had grown attached to, every place where he had spent his time lately seemed to be Kurt's too.
He hadn't realized how intertwined their lives had become until now. Blaine felt lost, cut off from everything he had come to enjoy.
They had been together at the park, too. Where hadn't they spent time together? But it was easier to find distractions here, it was easier to get mixed with the crowd, to pretend he wasn't looking for Kurt, to pretend his heart didn't stop when he saw a man of his same height, only to discover it was not him, not at all – it wasn't even the same hair color, or that pale skin that had always looked so smoothed, or those lips that had been so inviting…
He missed his eyes the most, he thought. When Kurt looked at him, Blaine had felt like he was enough, like every weakness and every flaw he had ever had vanished. He became stronger in Kurt's gaze. He became the kind of person he had forgotten how to be, in the past few years.
When had he forgotten himself? Shouldn't he have noticed, long before Kurt came along?
He had to stop thinking about him. He had to pretend he didn't exist. He had to rip him from his memories, from his life, like he was something poisonous…
But saying Kurt was poisonous was nothing but a lie. He was intoxicating in the best possible way, but never poisonous.
He took a deep breath. No more thinking about Kurt. It didn't matter that Cooper had condoned his behavior – it was inexcusable. There were lines he couldn't cross.
Blaine was a father and his children came first. Their happiness and their stability were his priority, the one thing he could never delay or delegate.
Blaine was a husband. He had stood at the altar with Jack all those years ago and made promises he had intended to keep for the rest of his life.
And yes, Blaine was also just a man. His needs sometimes made him doubt. His feelings were sometimes hurt. He felt alone and tired and jaded and cast aside, and there were so many times when he just wanted to find someone to help him carry the load. But that someone was supposed to be his husband, not Kurt. Not anyone else.
Walking hadn't been a good idea. It kept his mind idle, it didn't stop the thoughts. What he needed was to stop thinking. Maybe he could sit at a bench in the sunlight and grade some tests he had in his bag…
He looked around trying to find an empty bench. Most of the ones in the sun were occupied, people trying to warm up in this cold afternoon. He walked down the path, eyes searching, until they fell on two men sitting together on one of the benches, not that far away from where he was standing.
Blaine didn't have to look twice to recognize his own husband.
His husband, who had told him he had a long surgery to perform today, so he would be late getting home.
His husband, who didn't even notice him standing there, like Blaine didn't exist, because he was looking into someone else's eyes, talking in whispers.
His husband, who was holding that other man's hand between his own, like it was something precious, playing with his fingers, touching him with such reverence.
It had to be Eddie, right? God, Blaine hoped it was Eddie, because if there was another guy… he didn't think he could make it if there was another guy.
He was handsome. He was so handsome, with his tan skin and almond eyes, with his broad back and his charming smile. And the way Jack was looking at him, like he couldn't look away, like he was under a spell, like there was nothing else in this world he wanted to pay attention to but the man sitting beside him…
He hadn't looked at Blaine like that in so long.
Blaine stood there and he didn't move. He willed Jack to look up and notice him, to finally put an end to this. He wanted to see the guilt in Jack's eyes, wanted him to grovel for forgiveness. He wanted him to look at Blaine and see all the pain he had caused.
But he didn't. Instead, Jack leaned in and kissed Eddie, so tenderly, like every brush of their lips was vital and important.
He kissed him like he loved him.
All the lines Blaine couldn't cross… they had all been obliterated for Jack. Maybe he had never seen them. Maybe he had rushed past them and towards Eddie's arms, and had never stopped to think any of this was wrong.
Jack was also a father. Blaine knew he loved their children, that he was devoted to them. But wasn't he thinking about them now? And he was also a husband, but it was clear that didn't matter as much.
He was just a man – and maybe that was the part Jack had decided to focus on.
Blaine wasn't sure how long he stood there, unnoticed, invisible. Not once did they look away from each other, not once did they stop to think they might be doing this in a place where they could be caught. Did Eddie care about that? Was he cheating on someone, too? Or was he the free one, while Jack was the only one who might break everything he had ever had by being with him?
It didn't look like Jack particularly cared, either. It was as if he had just forgotten he even had a family he had to go home to.
Slowly, very slowly, on suddenly unsteady legs, Blaine began to back away. His chest was so tight that every breath felt like a struggle. He couldn't keep looking at them. He couldn't keep seeing, right there in plain sight, in broad daylight, the proof that everything he had built in his life was now about to crumble, irreparable.
If Blaine had believed his head was a mess before, nothing had prepared him for the thoughts that swirled in it now. Screams and whispers, guilt and regret mixed together, until everything was confusing. Until all he could feel was pain.
He walked. Aimlessly, he walked away. All he wanted was to get away from them, to stop seeing them. All he wanted was to stop feeling like every bit of him was being torn to pieces…
And he suddenly realized there was only one person with the power to keep him together.
With shaking hands, he got his phone out of his pocket. This time, he didn't think. He did what felt right. He dialed the number (when had it become so familiar?) and waited.
And he didn't have to wait long at all. It didn't even ring twice before his call was accepted.
"Blaine?" The voice felt like a caress. There was surprise in it, but also delight and hope.
"I need to see you," Blaine said brokenly. "Please."
There was absolutely no hesitation. "Coffee shop? I can be there in five minutes."
"Okay," Blaine said.
He crossed the line and went to Kurt.
Feeling too restless to sit down, Kurt didn't go into the coffee shop when he arrived. Instead, he stayed outside and paced back and forth, twisting his hands together.
Blaine's phone call had caught him off guard. He had been sitting in front of the computer, as usual, trying to get some work done, but feeling like even typing one word took more energy out of him than he had to give. When he had seen Blaine's name flashing on the screen, he had reached for his phone at once, as if scared Blaine would change his mind if he took too long to answer. And when he heard his voice in the other end…
Kurt didn't think he had ever shivered just from hearing someone's voice before.
They hadn't exchanged many words, not really. But something in Blaine's tone alerted him that things weren't okay. Kurt wasn't sure what that meant: he wasn't sure if Blaine was going through something or if he was finally contacting Kurt to give him a piece of his mind and tell him off for kissing him.
Still, it was a chance to see him. So Kurt had agreed at once to meet him. Even if it was to say goodbye, he needed to see Blaine, one last time.
His heart had been pounding anxiously since the phone call.
Kurt had only been there for a couple of minutes, although it felt like he had waited for a thousand hours, when he saw him, right across the street. There was something agitated about him, he looked pale, and clearly unwell, and Kurt's concern was instant: whatever had happened, it couldn't be good.
And then their eyes met, the street and the flowing traffic between them, and Kurt could almost see him crumble, as if he had barely managed to hold himself together on the way there. Before the stop light even changed to red, he was rushing across the street, nearly giving Kurt a heart attack when a passing cab almost ran into him, and then he was right there, right in front of him, and Kurt didn't even have time to part his lips to say hello when Blaine was flinging himself at him, holding him tight enough to break his bones.
"Blaine…" Kurt muttered, arms immediately going around him. "Are you…"
The next words he was going to say died on his lips when Blaine kissed him. He hadn't expected it but he melted into it right away, like every bit of him had been tense and aching until that very moment, when Blaine's mouth on his brought a kind of relief he hadn't known he needed.
Fingers digging into his back, trying to get him even closer, Kurt kissed him back desperately. He couldn't believe he was allowed to do this again – god, he thought he was never going to see him again, and now he felt so solid and so real in his arms. For a moment, Kurt was afraid this was just an elaborate dream, that he would wake up and Blaine would vanish.
They pulled away, panting hard, still grabbing at each other like letting go wasn't even in their plans. Blaine's eyes were wide, his lips pink from their kissing, and he had never looked more beautiful than he did right then.
And then… Blaine sort of smiled, like whatever had been wrong suddenly didn't matter anymore, like whatever had been broken was no longer in pieces before them. And Kurt knew exactly what he felt, because he was feeling it, too.
"Are you alright?" He asked, because he needed to know.
Blaine nodded, but it was a vague gesture, very little honesty to it. Kurt frowned, half confused, half concerned, and reached for his hand, which Blaine gave to him willingly. Kurt pulled him into the coffee shop, where it was warm and it smelled comforting, and found an empty booth in the back where they could sit very close together, no space between them, like they didn't need it.
"I'll go get us some coffee," Kurt said then, but Blaine stopped him.
"In a minute. Can you just…?" He hesitated, and he looked so lost. "Just sit with me, please."
"Of course," Kurt accepted at once.
Blaine hesitated again, but then added, not without looking a bit embarrassed: "And… hold me? If you don't mind."
Kurt put his arms around him, tucking him tightly against his side. His heart was still pounding, so, so hard, when Blaine dropped his head on his shoulder. He was clearly exhausted, and Kurt's worry didn't fade away, but keeping him close helped.
But when the minutes went by and Blaine remained silent and still against him, Kurt became a little restless.
"Hey," he whispered into Blaine's hair. "It's okay if you need some more time, but I'm a little worried, Blaine. Just… tell me if you're hurt, or if something happened to you."
Blaine took a few deep breaths, like he was getting ready to dive under water, and that didn't do anything to calm Kurt down. "My… my husband's cheating on me."
That certainly wasn't what Kurt was expecting to hear.
He suddenly felt cold all over, as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped on him without any sort of warning. He could feel himself growing tense, and Blaine must have felt it, too, because he sat up and looked at Kurt.
"I see," Kurt murmured, and a slap would have hurt less. He let go of Blaine, arms going around himself instead.
So that was why Blaine had called him. Not because he wanted Kurt, not because he missed him, but because he wanted to hurt his husband back?
"Look, Blaine," Kurt started, and he was a little surprised at how dry he sounded. Blaine startled, too, like he wasn't expecting it. "I understand I may have given you the wrong impression when I kissed you the other day. But… my feelings matter. I'm not something you can use to get back at Jack."
Blaine had been on the edge of falling to pieces the entire time, from the moment Kurt had set his eyes on him on the street. And now he broke, face twisting in pain, hands immediately reaching out for him, grabbing at him, desperately so.
"Kurt, no," he muttered, voice raspy. "That's not… that's not what this is."
"It kind of feels like it is," Kurt replied. He really wanted to put his arms around Blaine again, but he stopped himself. Even if he had missed him, even if he had wanted nothing more than to be this close to him again, Kurt couldn't do this. Not if what Blaine wanted was to use him as a tool to hurt someone else. "I kiss you and you disappear, and I totally respected that, by the way, because I know… I know it was out of line. I know I shouldn't have done that, that we're both…" the word married got stuck in his throat, so he pushed through: "I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I made a mistake and ruined one of the best friendships I've ever had, and it wasn't easy, Blaine. It really wasn't. I missed you. I wanted to…" again, he stopped. He was so frustrated with himself. For a moment, he had allowed himself to hope. Hope for what, though, he wasn't sure. "And then you're the one who calls me and kisses me, only to tell me you've just found out your husband is cheating on you?"
"I didn't say I've just found out," Blaine blurted out awkwardly, and Kurt looked at him, confused. "I've known for a while now. Since… since before we met, actually."
"What?" Kurt didn't understand.
"I saw a message on his phone, from this other guy…" Blaine started to explain, but then shook his head. "That doesn't matter. It was before I met you… it was actually around that time we bumped into each other at the coffee shop."
Things started to make sense, all of a sudden. "You looked like you were on the verge of a breakdown that day."
"Yeah, well, that's what finding out your husband of ten years is fucking someone else will do to you," Blaine said, and Kurt just blinked at him, bewildered. Blaine was rarely that crude. He was always so polite and correct and well-mannered. "And I've been trying to hold myself together, to not let this break my family. I've been trying to convince myself that Jack would just get it out of his system and then everything would go back to normal. That I could put up with it for the short time it would surely last, instead of letting my kids down and dumping their father for it. So I told myself to swallow the bitterness, and ignore the fact that I was miserable, but it was hard. It was all I could think about. I looked at him and I thought of them together. He went to play tennis with his friends or to work and I wondered if that was where he truly was and I… it was driving me crazy, but I told myself I could do it."
The barista was staring at them from behind the counter, probably bothered by the fact that they had sat down without getting a drink first. Kurt couldn't give a shit about that right now, but he did wish he had gotten some drinks before sitting down, because it looked like Blaine needed it. He seemed to be choking on every word he let out.
"Being with you helped," Blaine said then and he tried to smile but failed spectacularly. "I didn't think about Jack when I was with you. You distracted me and you made me forget about how much everything sucked at home. But when you kissed me…"
Kurt looked away. He was embarrassed now. "I'm sorry," he interrupted. "I shouldn't have…"
"Don't," Blaine cut him off. "You kissed me and you made me feel so alive, Kurt. It scared the living shit out of me, because then I had to go home and see my husband and my children and know that one kiss with you…" he stopped, like he couldn't say the words. His eyes were wide, filled with despair. "I love my children. They're everything to me, and I will lay down my life for them if I have to. And you kissed me, Kurt, and all I wanted was to walk away from Jack, walk away from feeling miserable in my life every single day. I wanted to kiss you back until everything else went away."
Kurt's stomach was filled with butterflies and god, he hated clichés, but that was exactly what it felt like. "Blaine…"
"So I couldn't talk to you," Blaine continued, like he needed to keep talking, like he needed to get this out once and for all. "Because it made me too happy, Kurt. It made me… I shouldn't do anything that jeopardizes my family's wellbeing."
"I understand that," Kurt whispered.
"And I thought… I'm doing what any good father, what any good husband would do," he said, and he sounded right on the verge of tears. "Sacrificing your own happiness for those you love the most is the right thing to do, isn't it? So I was going to do that…"
Suddenly, Kurt knew. He reached for Blaine's hand and squeezed. "You saw them together, didn't you?"
Big, fat tears escaped Blaine's eyes, like he couldn't hold them anymore, and it was unfair, how beautiful he was when he cried. His eyelashes looked impossibly long, his eyes were bright and golden in the light of the coffee house. He nodded, slowly.
"I thought it was just an affair," Blaine said. "I convinced myself that Jack was going to eventually get bored and that would be the end of it. But… it's not just an affair, Kurt. I think… I think he's in love with him."
"Oh Blaine," Kurt said, sadly. "I'm so sorry."
Blaine shook his head. "I've just been an idiot, I guess. Thinking that he was willing to make sacrifices, too, for our family, for what we built together," he said. "But while I was willing to give everything up, while I went through hell these past few days not talking to you, he's been… he's been…"
"Hey, hey," Kurt said softly, and cupped his face to make him focus on him, instead of the anguish that was evidently overwhelming him. His thumbs wiped away some of the tears running down's Blaine's cheeks. "Sweetheart, you did nothing wrong…"
Blaine put his hand on top of his. "I'm done, Kurt. I'm done giving things up because of him. I'm done biting my tongue every time I want to talk to you, I'm done forcing myself to stay away because I think that's what I should do, what's expected of me… don't I deserve a little happiness, too?"
How could Kurt not kiss him after that?
"You deserve everything," he muttered, and then moved in to press their lips together.
Blaine instantly put his arms around Kurt's shoulders, keeping him in place, like he was afraid Kurt would end the kiss if he didn't hold on. Didn't he know, that the hardest thing Kurt could ever do was letting him go?
They only pulled away when their lungs hurt from the lack of air. They pressed their foreheads together, eyes closed, trying to catch their breaths. Blaine was fisting Kurt's coat in his hands, tight, like he wanted to make sure he wasn't going anywhere.
Kurt placed a few swift, little kisses on Blaine's face – his eyelids, the tip of his nose, his cheekbone, the edge of his jaw. He heard Blaine sigh as if in relief. He wondered if there was enough tenderness in Blaine's life, and then realized that he already knew the answer.
They had both been so, so lonely, despite not being alone at all.
The thought of Ian was just a whisper in the back of his mind. He knew the guilt would set in, eventually, but right now Kurt let himself feel, let himself enjoy having Blaine this close. He would deal with everything else later on.
All that mattered in this very moment, was Blaine.
Blaine laughed wetly, and he looked really exhausted. "God, we're a mess, aren't we?"
Kurt's lips curled up in a wry smile. "Yeah, we kind of are."
Blaine let his head fall on Kurt's shoulder, and he snuggled closer. "We can pretend for a bit, though. Let's pretend nothing's complicated. Let's pretend it's ten years ago, before we had husbands and children, before everything felt so set in stone…"
"I would have loved to have met you ten years ago," Kurt whispered, and it felt like his heart was squeezed painfully, prisoner in an invisible fist that tightened its grip around it more and more.
What would their lives have been, if they had met ten years ago?
But there was no use in wondering – the cards had been dealt in this way, and they needed to play the game as best as they could.
And god, it was a little nauseating, to think of this as a game.
After a couple more minutes of holding each other, Blaine finally sat up. He kissed Kurt's cheek and put some distance between them. "I have about fifteen minutes before I have to go get the kids."
"I'll get us a cup of coffee," Kurt said. "I think we both need it."
The next fifteen minutes didn't feel like enough, not even close. But there was something there, something in the air between them that felt almost like a promise, even though neither of them had made one – a promise for more, a promise to face whatever came next together.
Kurt was hopeful, and he sealed it with a kiss before they parted. He had come here thinking it was possible that Blaine wanted to say goodbye, and now they left with more, with so much more…
Alive. He understood what Blaine had meant when he said kissing him had made him feel alive. Whatever cracks he had been carrying inside seemed to be patched up. He walked home with a spring on his step, and his heart feeling lighter.
He was excited about what tomorrow might bring.
You heal me like the light of day
See you next week for more!
Thank you so much for reading.
Love,
L.-