"I'm afraid not," Joyce said, amused.
"I guess I'll have to figure out how to bare my soul to Xander and get the Black Panther perk then," Dawn said as she shook Xander's shoulder.
"Dawn?" Xander said as he woke and remembered what they'd been doing. He pulled up his shirt. "Look, abs!"
Dawn groaned as the laughter woke up Buffy and Willow.
"Why- Oh yeah," Buffy said as she came awake with an excited smile. "How do we do this?"
"Um," Willow took a couple of seconds to remember what was going on. "Aiming at an object and seeing if you can affect it will show if you have projective power."
A pillow began to float and Dawn cheered. "I got telekinesis!"
A second pillow began to float. "Same," Buffy said with a grin.
"Me too," Willow said, smiling broadly.
"And me makes four," Xander said before poking Dawn with a floating Pillow and getting smacked with one in return.
"So all the vials were telekinetic vials," Buffy noted and started smacking Dawn's pillow with her own. "As powers go it's one that's really useful."
Willow began to float and the pillows dropped as the others all stared at her. "You just have to lift yourself instead of a pillow," she explained.
Xander quickly joined her. "Takes a bit of concentration."
Buffy frowned and rose shakily. "Yeah, not nearly as easy as you make it look."
"It'll probably get easier with practice," Willow suggested as she began to get the hang of it.
"I feel... lighter," Dawn said as she frowned in concentration, "but no floating. I think I got a bum vial."
"It's still awesome," Buffy said as she landed on the bed with a bounce. "It's kinda draining."
"I haven't noticed," Willow said, touching the ceiling ten feet overhead.
"It is a little tiring," Xander admitted, dropping back onto the bed. "I think Willow got the strongest vial. This is so cool! Me and Jessie used to talk about dozens of ways to use telekinesis, for instance can you use it to feel your surroundings like radar?"
Willow closed her eyes and grinned as she circled the room. "Radar check!"
"I think Willow just turned into Marvel Girl," Dawn said.
"While being able to teleport or fire blasts of energy from your eyes is cool, telekinesis is one of the most all around useful," Xander said with a smile. "Drop something? No need to bend over to pick it up and you might be able to prevent it from falling in the first place. Remote out of reach? Pull it to your hand."
"Have your hands full and need to grab something? Instant extra hand," Buffy agreed, getting the idea. "Oh! You could fish things that have fallen down the drain out, without having to take the sink apart!"
"Or get things that have rolled under furniture or fallen behind bookcases," Dawn added.
"Could you use it in place of a screwdriver or wrench?" Willow asked. "I hate the specialty screws and nuts that computer companies force on you and this way we'd never have to buy specialty tools again."
Several pillows floated off the bed. "I can do more than one thing at a time," Dawn said.
"I wonder if I could stake vampires with it," Buffy said.
"Sure, lift them off the ground and spin them around so they can't swing at you and it'll be easy," Xander said. "Well, unless they are really fat vampires since we appear to have a weight limit."
"I meant by using telekinesis on a stake," Buffy said.
"Probably," Xander said. "You might even be able to get away with just using a number two pencil."
"Too bad I didn't get pyrokinesis," Buffy said, "that would make dusting vampires a breeze but then it isn't as all around useful as telekinesis."
"Yeah, definitely glad agent me bought those vials," Xander said.
"Kids," Joyce said to get their attention, "we've discovered there is a tv show based on our life and have been working our way through the first season. It'd been almost half a day and we wanted to check and make sure you were alright."
"We slept that long?" Xander asked. "That explains why I'm so hungry. How about I cook us all something while we watch the show?"
"You've got chef powers," Buffy remembered. "And let me just say that still sounds like a strange choice to spend points on."
"Sounds great to me," Dawn said, "because as soon as I figure out the soul baring thing and I've got abs, I'm totally going to try for that."
Xander found himself being telekinetically laid out on the bed with Willow hovering horizontally above him. "Hi," he said as she looked into his eyes from just a couple of inches away.
"I've dreamed of marrying you for as long as I can remember," Willow told him. "We'd have two kids, a boy and a girl, with the boy being older so he could look out for his little sister. I was going to be a housewife, who wrote books on the side, and you'd have a job that would let you spend loads of time at home with us. We'd be together forever and I'd never be lonely again and our kids would never doubt how much we loved them." She closed the distance and kissed him, settling her weight onto him as his arms came up to hold her.
"I hope you were taking notes," Buffy whispered to Dawn, "cause that was baring your soul to someone done right." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes.
"It's frightening how much I love you," Xander told Willow as he stroked her cheek. "Let's give you the Black Panther treatment so you'll be that little bit safer and I won't worry so much about you getting hurt."
Willow tensed up and shivered as her muscles swelled, she grew a couple inches taller, and gained a significant amount of curves. "Ow," she said, blinking tears from her eyes, but Xander's hands massaged her back and she moaned out in relief.
"I so want that," Dawn said wistfully before smiling, "and I'm so getting that too, so it all works out."
Giles had turned away and cleaned his glasses. "Yes, well... I'll go cue up the next episode of the show."
"I'll come with you," Joyce said, a wistful smile on her face.
Dawn found herself floating in the air after Buffy. "It's so unfair you got so much telekinetic strength when you can already bench press a Buick," she complained.
"I'm not that strong," Buffy told her, rolling her eyes as they followed the adults out.
Xander's stomach rumbled and Willow giggled. "I think it's lunch time."
The group returned to the livingroom so they could watch their probable future as interpreted by Hollywood, Xander ducking into the kitchen to start cooking.
The episode 'When she was bad' started and Buffy winced at how she'd acted.
"Why am I not there?" Dawn asked with a frown.
"It's mostly centered on Buffy's slaying activities," Giles replied, "though it is strange that we have yet to see you in an episode."
"I'm barely in most episodes," Joyce pointed out.
Everyone stared as Xander on screen threatened Buffy's life.
"Xander, did you threaten to kill Buffy if I got injured?" Willow called out.
"If anything happened to you Sunnydale would burn," Xander called back.
"That's sweet and frightening," Willow told him.
"I'm aware," he replied matter-of-factly.
"That makes me feel really happy, slightly concerned, and really..." Willow blushed.
Dawn nodded. "I hope he loves me enough to commit arson on that scale one day."
"Give it time," Willow told her, giving the smaller girl a side hug. "Rome wasn't destroyed in a day."
"To be fair... I was really, really upset about the whole being dead thing," Buffy said.
"Yes, but Xander was the one that saved you, using him as a stripper pole so you could rub one out in public was really inappropriate," Joyce said, shaking her head.
"He helped Angel save me," Buffy corrected her mom.
"Rupert, would you mind cuing up the episode where all this occurred?" Joyce asked.
"Of course," Giles replied, tapping the phone and switching episodes.
"You really were doing your best to find a way to stop that prophecy," Buffy said surprised, "and so was Angel." She smiled happily.
"Heard the prophecy and rushed out to fulfill it," Willow said with a sigh. "It's like you've never taken classical literature."
"Xander threatened Angel?" Buffy watched in surprise. "You threatened to kill Angel for me?" she called out, touched.
Xander stuck his head out the door to the kitchen. "Yeah, but I'd dust Angel to supersize my meal at McDonalds," Xander said. "Really not a big deal."
Buffy pouted as Xander returned to cooking.
"CPR," Giles said with a sigh. "I still find it hard to believe he broke a millennium old prophecy with something as simple and mundane as CPR."
"While Angel stood by and looked pretty," Dawn said smugly, never having liked him.
"I can't believe Xander had to threaten him," Buffy said, realizing she'd majorly downplayed Xander's part in rescuing her, as Xander entered with half a dozen plates floating in front of him.
"That wasn't really me threatening him," Xander said as the plates landed on the coffee table.
"Really?" Buffy asked doubtfully. "Cause it looked like that to me."
"And if he was smart enough to know he should be afraid of me it would have been," Xander agreed, "but really it was me telling him to grow some balls."
"He did fold rather easily," Giles said thoughtfully.
The front door opened and Amelia entered. "I have some contracts for you to look over, sir."
"Hey," Dawn said, seeing someone who might be able to answer her question, "do you know why I'm getting so little screen time in the tv show?"
"Or why she's worth seven times my amount?" Willow quickly added, looking over the elf and wondering how Xander had restrained himself from sexing her up in the first five minutes of meeting her.
"Your point value is calculated based on your current power level," Amelia explained. "This early in the timeline you are simply a very intelligent human girl with no combat training while Dawn is the mortal incarnation of a goddess."
Everyone just stared at her, speechless.
"You aren't in the earlier seasons because time hadn't been altered to allow for your existence yet," Amelia told her.
"How does that work?" Buffy asked, confused.
"Dawn is the Goddess of Transportation, Transformations, and Translations," Amelia explained. "Janus the Roman God of Change became aware of Xander during the Night of Masks spell he empowered and decided he'd make an excellent husband for his daughter, so he rewrote time so she'd be born to Joyce and Hank Summers."
"So he made Xander love me?" Dawn asked with a frown.
"No, you were just entering your teens and he could tell you had a type which fit Xander to a Tee, so he simply dropped you in the timeline and let nature take its course," she explained.
"How do you know all that?" Willow asked.
"I've done extensive research on your timeline when I was assigned to be Xander's adjuster and Janus wrote a parenting book for gods dealing with their children entering their teens," Amelia explained. "Of course 'let their mortal parents deal with it' isn't exactly the best advice, but it's actually a vast improvement over the Greek and Roman Gods' usual parenting efforts."
"Everyone, this is Amelia, my adjuster," Xander introduced her, now that he had a chance to speak. "Amelia... you probably know everyone here already."
Amelia nodded. "I'm well aware of everyone from my research and may I congratulate you on already claiming two valuable waifus for your harem."
"More like they claimed him," Buffy said, a little bit of amusement in her eyes.
"Even better," Amelia said.
"Not sure I really compare to capturing a goddess," Willow teased Dawn, seeing the younger girl was looking a bit out of sorts and hiding it, though she was leaning into Joyce's side who had wrapped an arm around her.
Amelia smiled. "Dawn rarely pushes the boundaries of her power, many staying at Tier 7, a few actually pushing to become Tier 9, while you quite often reach Tier 9 with many pushing for Tier 10. You're still young, power will come with time and effort."
"Willow will become a Goddess?" Buffy asked, wondering if there were any more shocks waiting to jump out at them and if hiding somewhere for a little while would give her some time to adjust. She absently picked up her burger and took a bite before moaning loudly.
"It can't be that good," Dawn said before trying her own and proving that she was Buffy's sister.
Everyone's burgers disappeared quite quickly and Buffy was wondering if she could ask Xander for another or if it would be rude.
"That's the best burger I've eaten in my entire life," Giles said honestly. "Apparently Chef was indeed worth five points."
"There are more in the kitchen," Xander said, causing a rush for the door by the teens, Willow outpacing the Slayer by at least two steps, Giles and Joyce trying to act a bit more dignified but moving quickly after them.
"Xander I have several contracts for you to look over, but with your recent windfall reducing your debt to roughly half of what it stared as, I would suggest starting with a minor acquisition contract, which while only seventeen points, comes with a rather large Inventory Perk and should only take up to a week to fulfill."
"I'm guessing the real prize is the perk?" Xander questioned.
"It makes quite a few more contracts viable and a number of others become a lot easier to handle logistically," she replied, "it also has a good point value for time spent, however the reason I'm suggesting it is because it'll give you a chance to acquire additional resources for yourself while working on your martial skills in relative safety."
"Relative safety?" Willow asked as the group returned from the kitchen.
"The contract requires him to spend a week on a world where a zombie apocalypse occurred," Amelia explained, "however his enhanced immune system makes him completely immune to the fungal infection that caused it and his skin is too tough for their bite to penetrate."
"Is there a risk of him spreading the infection by carrying spores on his clothes?" Giles asked, the words 'zombie apocalypse' focusing his attention.
"No," Amelia replied, "all Sweet Homes come equipped with protections against diseases and infections regardless of source. Just passing through the entrance clears your body and equipment of any infectious agents."
"A zombie apocalypse doesn't sound very safe to me," Willow said, grabbing Xander's hand.
"These zombies are stupid, slow, and much weaker than he is," Amelia explained. "This will give Xander a chance to enhance his fighting skills and physical strength while collecting resources he can use for other projects."
"I have Broken Limiter," Xander realized, "so five times human strength and speed isn't the limits of my capabilities, it's the base of them."
"And by exercising them they'll grow," Amelia said.
"What kind of resources are we acquiring?" Xander asked, hoping it wasn't people, but acknowledging that it probably was the only chance they had to survive.
"Precious metals," Amelia replied. "You should have little trouble cleaning out any jewelry stores or banks you find as it holds no value to the dead or those still living there for that matter. The contract is for all the gold you can acquire in the space of a week, meaning any gems, silver, or platinum is yours."
"Can he bring a friend?" Buffy asked. "It sounds like something he can handle, but I'd feel better if he had backup." At Xander's look she quickly added, "You'd do the same for me!"
"I would," Xander admitted, "but this isn't risking your life to save lives, this is risking your life for money."
"No, this is risking my life to help a friend and sounds much less risky than what I do every night for the sake of strangers," Buffy argued. "Besides, if I go along I can spar with you, which will be a lot better for developing a fighting style than just bashing zombies in the head with a rock."
"Your mom might have something to say about you skipping school for a week even to help a friend rob banks while fighting hordes of the undead," Xander pointed out.
"Mom?" Buffy asked hopefully, all while knowing she was probably going to say no.
"How does it compare to her normal activities?" Joyce asked Giles.
"It's probably at least a bit safer," Giles said thoughtfully, "especially now that they can levitate."
"I expect you to stay safe, so pack at least two boxes of condoms," Joyce told her.
"Mom!"
"It's either condoms or lube," Joyce said firmly, "that's my one rule if you want to do this."
"But- I- fine," Buffy said. "I don't think we'll need them at all, but I'll bring along a box of condoms."
"Good, then you have my permission to go," Joyce said. "Willow, I know you and Dawn have a lot to talk about, so you're welcome to either stay at my house or have her over at yours. I would suggest yours, you'll want the privacy."
"You are taking this rather well," Giles noted.
"Oh not remotely," Joyce denied. "I intend to steal one of Xander's bottles of whiskey on the way out, spend the entire weekend drunk, questioning the nature of the universe and my place in it, then come Monday morning I'm going to take a cold shower, drink an entire pot of coffee, pull on my big girl panties, and get on with things, because motherhood isn't for the weak."
"I'm beginning to see why only those who have raised children are allowed into management," Amelia said quietly to herself.
"Rupert, I'm afraid I'm going to need to borrow you for the weekend as well, I still have a lot of questions I need answers to and I'm going to need to know which gods to curse," Joyce told him.
Giles nodded. "Quite understandable, I am at your service."
"Take an extra bottle, you're probably going to need it," Xander suggested as the two got up.
"Mom?" Dawn asked nervously.
Joyce smiled down at her daughter. "I was in labor with you for nine and a half hours, you are more mine than some random god who doesn't know how to guide you through puberty."
Dawn hopped up and hugged her tightly.
"I'm still getting plastered though," she said. "Behave for Willow, call if you need anything."
"I will," Dawn promised and sat back down.
"Mom, thanks," Buffy said.
"Just do the same for your children when they ask to go fight an apocalypse," Joyce teased as Giles retrieved a couple of bottles from the kitchen.
Once the two had left, Willow turned to Buffy. "Lube?"
Buffy blushed. "Grandma always said if you don't have condoms you best find some lube, because 'I won't have any grandchildren, great or otherwise, being born out of wedlock."
"A point spent on Sexual Calibration will allow you to control your fertility," Amelia suggested.
"Purchase it," Xander replied.
"Is no one going to argue that they aren't going to be having sex?" Dawn asked with a frown.
"Never argue that with a parent," Willow said, "they just want you to be prepared regardless."
"No one plans to have a flat tire, but we still keep a spare in the trunk," Xander said in a gruff voice, imitating his father.
"Okay, that makes sense," Dawn admitted.
"How are we going to cover for our absence from school?" Buffy asked.
"I'll take care of it," Amelia said, "I'll have a couple of doctor's notes written up saying you have contracted a short lived but highly infectious version of the mumps."
"And I'll get copies of your school work so you won't fall behind," Willow added.
"And I'll make amusing entries in Buffy's diary for the days she's gone," Dawn offered.
"I'd complain, but that actually sounds pretty funny," Buffy decided. "Plan that out with Willow."
"Alright, now that, that is taken care of, how do we do this?" Xander asked.
"I'll send the contract to your phone and you just hit accept," Amelia said, tapping away on her own phone.
Xander's phone buzzed and he hit accept, freezing in place for a moment. "I just got a football stadium in my head," he said, confused.
"That would be one and a third acres of space," Amelia said, "better than the simple one acre square I expected."
"No, I mean it's an actual stadium, with bleachers and an announcer's booth. I can see the locker rooms complete with showers," Xander explained.
"Oh, they must have gotten lazy and used the boundaries of the facility to anchor the runes rather than set up a proper ritual to create the space needed," Amelia said. "No matter, it just means you have more storage room."
Xander picked a pillow off the couch and made it vanish before it reappeared in his hand and he set it back down. "It works just as easy as the wardrobe. Now what?"
"Now, Willow and Dawn need to leave so I can set the front door to open to the right coordinates, so you can begin," she explained.
"The house comes with us?" Buffy asked, surprised.
"Yes, however it's locked onto that world for the duration of the contract," Amelia explained. "It'd be a pretty useless perk if you couldn't use it in the field."
"I thought we were going to have to camp out for the entire week, crashing in abandoned houses and cars," Buffy said.
"Disappointed?" Xander asked.
"A little," Buffy admitted. "It's more of an adventure when you don't get to relax in the ultimate luxury condo in between battles."
"Huh," Xander said, "I actually agree, but I'm still going to use it because I have an awesome bed and shower here and fighting zombies is going to be messy."
"Ignore everything I just said, showers rule," Buffy said quickly. "A week without bathing is a nightmare, not an adventure, especially when you get covered in zombie guts."
"I'll get a temporary waifu contract set up for you, so you can access the house and inventory," Amelia said, "that will help you gather more resources and let you find each other if you get separated."
"There are temporary contracts?" Buffy asked, surprised.
"Sure," Amelia agreed, "Temporary contracts are easy to set up per job or length of time, allowing access to harem resources, just don't declare you love him, stamp yourself, or spend four hours getting ravaged by tentacles or it becomes permanent."
"I'll try and restrain myself," Buffy said dryly, trying not to laugh, unlike Willow and Dawn who were giggling like loons.
"Place your finger here," Amelia told her, holding out her phone which Buffy dutifully tapped. "And done," Amelia said, "you are registered as a temporary waifu, no engrams will be recorded or points awarded, you'll have access to the inventory in just a minute, and two large boxes of condoms and a gallon lube have been added."
Buffy opened her mouth, paused, and then simply nodded.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows