A/N: I am so, so, so sorry I did not update this for so long. . Life has been very life-like and I did not have any motivation to write.

The Fall - Chapter Two

Ziva was sitting at her desk before sunrise. After leaving Tony's place last night, she had not returned home, knowing he would look for her there. Indeed, the motion-activated camera she had installed at her door caught him using the lockpicking skills she had taught him to break into her house. She would be amused at the early morning email alert with attached video clip if she were not so devastated by her own stupidity. She ignored his calls and texts and voice messages. She did not want to talk to him.

Instead, once she had sobered up enough, she hit the gym, thankful she had joined one that was open 24-hours. She ran until she threw up all that stupid alcohol that made her think propositioning Tony was a good idea. She punched and kicked the boxing bag until the stupid feet that walked her to his building bruised and the stupid knuckles that knocked on his door bled. It helped, though not much. The mortification and embarrassment she felt for her actions was too overwhelming to be alone with without distraction, so she found herself sitting at her desk at 4am and spent a few hours frantically trying to fill her stupid mind with case reports.

She checked her watch for the hundredth time. Knowing he would arrive soon, Ziva sighed and decided to go down and say good morning to Abby. Anything that would delay the inevitable look he would give her. Either that cocky, 'I knew you still wanted me' look, or that uncertainty that had so recently replaced the desire he used to have in his eyes. She was not sure she could cope with either option without shooting him. Perhaps if she remained with Abby until the others arrived, and nobody got murdered or kidnapped, she could avoid having to be alone with him at all. That would work. At least until he had forgotten about it. Or until he found his next date. Or she could relocate to China – at least if she did not speak the language she could avoid humiliating herself there.

She picked up a Caf-Pow on her way to the elevator, noticing with annoyance how she unconsciously switched to breathe through her mouth whilst carrying it so she did not have to smell it, and headed down towards Abby's lab. Part of her thought she should be over it all by now. Little things like the smell of a drink should not bother a tough ex-Mossad Officer. But it did, and perhaps the 'ex' part of that job title was more telling than she had realised. Ex. No longer a part of. Mossad had taught her how to fight and not give in to torturers. How to seek death if captured. But she had survived and they did not teach her how to handle that; they did not care how or if she rebuilt. There was no training for coping with the aftermath because she was never meant to survive it.

It was these people, here at NCIS, who saved her. They rescued her from hell and helped her to rebuild. She knew she had not made it easy for them – she never has been one for talking about her feelings and could not fight her natural inclination to push when they pulled. Still, they had all helped her move and settle into a new routine, offered her clothes and furniture, lifts, and coffee dates. She was grateful for them in ways she could not begin to put into words.

Ziva found the goth hunched over a microscope, fingers deftly fiddling with the focus as she tapped her foot along to the beat of her for once reasonably quiet music. She walked silently over to her, and popped the Caf-Pow down beside her arm with a gentle tap, causing Abby to jump in shock.

"Gosh! You move like a ninja!" Abby squealed, placing her hand over her heart, and then frowned when she saw the exhaustion behind the friendly smile on Ziva's face. "What's wrong?"

"I am fine Abby," she replied with a dismissive headshake, although she was apparently too tired to properly hide her lie because Abby pinned her with a glare and reached over to turn her music off.

"No, you're not," Abby said quietly, replacing the remote on her desk. She took a deep breath and eyed the cold drink on her desk. "You brought me a Caf-Pow. You don't bring these for me anymore," Abby mumbled, before stopping to pull Ziva into a tight hug. "It was a bad night?" Abby asked from her place lost in Ziva's untamed curls. The gym shower did not have a hair dryer, so her natural locks were fluffy and uncooperative.

"You could say that," Ziva replied, patting Abby on the shoulder before pulling back and avoiding eye contact. "I did not get much sleep." It was a lie. She did not get any sleep.

"What did you do?"

Ziva did not say anything, still avoiding eye contact while Abby frowned in concern. "Ziva, come on," Abby encouraged, a begging tone to her voice. "We said we'd do more girl talk, remember? Something's obviously on your mind, so talk. Now!" A poke to Ziva's ribs caused her to glare at her friend.

Ziva considored her options. People would likely notice the difference in behaviour between her and Tony if she did not get at least some of it out of her head. If she had an outside person to talk to, she would have preferred that, someone who could not expose her stupidity or choose sides. But spending over three months uncontactable and then presumed dead was not great for her already fledgling friendships since moving to America. Neither was her apartment blowing up great for her relationships with her old neighbors. She was also certain her private calls were still monitored by Mossad, so calling a distant friend was out of the question – whilst she mostly did not care what her father thought, she did not want him privy to anything about Tony. Not after last time.

Truthfully, Abby was the closest thing she had to a best friend, almost like a sister. It had taken them a long time, but eventually, they had come to care for each other. She was exactly the sort of person Ziva knew she was supposed to talk to about such things, and she was right, they had promised they would talk more. But Abby was notoriously bad at keeping secrets, unless they were incredibly important, and the last thing she wanted was McGee's next book to have a similar drama.

"Okay, but this must be one of your, erm…" Ziva paused, gesturing around for the right word with squinted eyes. "One of your pink secrets, yes?" Abby raised a questioning brow, so Ziva wiggled her little finger in front of her as she tried to remember the term for the type of secret. "One of those important secrets you cannot tell anyone about no matter what?" she said quickly, growing frustrated with her tired brain's inability to recall the English language.

"Oh my God, you have a MOAS?!" Abby squealed excitedly and dragged Ziva into the back part of the lab, sealing the door from prying ears. She turned and locked her pinkie finger with Ziva's, frowning at the contusions on her knuckles. "And it's called a pinkie promise, coz you lock pinkies. And I pinkie swear not to tell anyone. Now tell me everything!"

Ziva sighed and leaned against Abby's desk. She ran her fingers through her hair, pulling on the strands, closed her eyes tightly, and murmured, "I did something stupid."

Abby gestured to the marks on Ziva's hands. "Yeah, I can see that. Did you kill someone? 'Cause I can help you hide the evidence!"

Ziva huffed out a laugh, flexing her bruised fingers. They were starting to hurt and she was certain after yesterday Gibbs would take one look at the wounds and send her home. Probably via psych services. "No, only a punching bag."

"What got you so riled up?"

"The case… Tony," she trailed off, closing her eyes in embarrassment.

Abby was suddenly incredibly interested. "Tony? Why, what did he do?"

"He did nothing, Abby," Ziva explained, shaking her head. "It was me. I turned up at his apartment last night. I may have been… slightly inebriated."

Abby's face turned into a wide, hopeful smile. "Annnnnd?" she prompted.

"I kissed him…" Ziva had barely managed to get the words out before Abby had pounced and wrapped her in a tight, bouncing hug.

"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I always said you guys were meant to be! I can't believe it's taken you this long, I mean Tony's been pining after you since like, forever, and I know you're all cool and collected but even you can't deny…." Abby was continuing to bounce on her toes, clapping in front of her chest in delight.

"Abby!" Ziva cut her off, a wide-eyed, stricken look on her face. "This is not a good thing!" She hissed the words slowly, outraged at Abby's enjoyment of this.

Abby stopped bouncing and tilted her head at the Israeli in confusion. "Why?"

"He does not want me, Abby," Ziva stated. Abby gave her an incredulous look so Ziva sighed and continued, giving in and confessing her mortifying actions to her friend. "I kissed him, I tried to…" She gestured in front of her, trying to indicate what she did without explicitly saying it. She was embarrassed enough. "He stopped me."

Abby looked confused for a moment before saying, "Maybe he just thought…"

"It does not matter," Ziva cut her off again. "You must put this out of your mind and help me avoid him until this goes away."

"But Tony's always hitting on you, he's always jealous and…"

Ziva gave a rueful smile as she cut her friend off. "I am more than aware that he used to want me. But I think for him it was… sport flirting, at least after we stopped sleeping together. Before perhaps it was... "

Abby held up a hand, looking completely outraged, and interrupted Ziva mid-sentence. "Wait, you mean you guys have already slept together? When and why did no one tell me?!" she shrieked.

Ziva raised her eyebrows at the high-pitched tone. She knew the goth would be interested in the gossip, but she did not expect such excitement. She tried to brush it off. It really was nothing, after all. "When Gibbs retired/quit/went on sabbatical," she explained, using her hand to split the options in the air. "Tony was still getting used to being team leader, I was still settling into life in America. We both felt a bit lost without Gibbs. It was what we both needed at the time." She shrugged while Abby simply stared at her wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Ziva felt defensiveness flare within her. "What? It was just sex! We both agreed it could be nothing more, we were discreet, it stopped when Gibbs came back…"

"No, no, I get that. It's just that I have to give a lot of people their money back…" She looked stricken for a moment, ignoring the confused look on Ziva's face before a cunning glint shone in her eyes and a smile grew on her face. "Orrrrrr… I just don't tell them and leave it 'til things are official!"

Ziva's confusion only grew and she frowned at Abby. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Nothing!" Abby dismissed quickly, with a guilty look on her face and swiftly changed the subject back to Ziva's stupid behaviour. "So… you and Tony, huh? Were you hoping to start up the whole casual sex thing again… or?"

"I do not think Tony has ever been interested in anything other than 'casual sex'," Ziva said with a dismissive eye roll, fingers coming up to create sarcastic air quotes.

Abby frowned. "That's not true, he fell in love with The Frog's daughter." The goth shot her hand over her mouth as though she could shove the words back in. Ziva could not help the stab of jealousy she thought had long passed, and cursed herself for acting like such a …. Girl. Abby continued apologetically, "Sorry, that wasn't very sensitive!"

Ziva smiled ruefully but had to give her that one. "Okay, that is true. But she was… good. What you would call a light in this world, yes? I am a darkness." Ziva sensed Abby's need to defend her so moved on. She did not need someone trying to justify her past actions, it was something she tried not to dwell upon. "And to answer your question, I was not really thinking about anything. I needed to forget. To be distracted by someone I felt safe with. But…" She shook her head in annoyance at herself.

Abby picked up the thread of conversation. "But… he didn't want you to distract yourself with him. Maybe he wants - "

"It does not matter. Perhaps he used to want things, Abby," Ziva replied stoically as she cut the goth off, although she knew the slight squint of her eye gave away some of her sadness. She was too exhausted to hide it, the brewing pain in her head was also not helping. "Perhaps now that things have…. Changed…. He no longer sees me that way."

"Changed how?"

Ziva took a moment to construct her reply. "You know he calls me the 'New Ziva'?" She waited for Abby to nod. "Well, I think he misses the 'Old Ziva'. Back when I was strong and elusive and different. Before I was… damaged." She glanced away, finding the floor suddenly very interesting. "That is who he wanted, who he was attracted to, yes? And when I kissed him, he remembered that I am no longer what he desires." The words came out slowly and sat heavy on her tongue, tasted bitter pouring out of her mouth. She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration, refusing to let tears even form.

She felt irritation flood through her. Anger at herself for getting upset about a boy like she was some kind of schoolgirl. But anger was what she was good at, so she clung to it like a safety net, her words coming out harsh and bitter. "I knew back then it was just physical. And I thought last night he would at least say yes to the sex. I did not think him capable of saying no to sex!" she spat out, eyes narrowed in annoyance. "But…" She slowed down, as though coming to terms with her thoughts. "I am no longer what I was… and so he is… no longer interested." Ziva gave an exaggerated dismissive shrug as though to say 'That is that' as she paced the small room. "It is all irrelevant anyway. I simply need you to help me avoid him until he forgets about it!"

"He wasn't… interested?" Abby asked, with a raised eyebrow, ignoring the rest of Ziva's outburst.

"Well… there was some… interest," Ziva conceded, stopping in her tracks. Heat flushed her face as she recalled the feeling of his clear arousal as she rubbed herself on him. She quickly shook her head to clear her thoughts and continued, "But interest and want are two very different things. It does not matter if his body is still attracted to me. His heart and mind are not."

"You don't know that," Abby replied, a slight whine to her voice like a child being told she cannot eat all the ice cream or she will get sick.

"Yes, yes, I do," Ziva responded with a bitter chuckle, her finger wagging in the air as she resumed pacing back and forth. She could feel the walls around her resolve to do things alone breaking, tumbling down from the exhaustion of the last couple of days, leaving her dangerously open to attack. "I am not blind Abby, I know he used to look at me with desire, with lust and want." She stopped walking and her gaze became unfocused. "I do not see that in his eyes anymore," she continued sadly. "I see only pain and desperation and pity. I know yesterday I did what was needed for Sophie and those girls, I just did not expect the consequences to be so…." She trailed off with a head shake, eyes falling shut. "I was stupid for drinking. I was stupid for showing up at his house. And I was stupid for thinking he could still want me now."

"Ziva, yesterday was hard. Not just for you." Abby spoke softly, nibbling on her lip because offering support to the curly-haired woman was not always received well. "I know it's not something you had to think about much at Mossad, but the people here really care about you. Hearing what you went through didn't make any of us think less of you or pity you…. I don't think Tony pities you. He was probably in pain himself because it causes all of us pain to know what you suffered. Because we love you and when you hurt, we hurt."

Ziva searched the scientists' eyes for a moment before relaxing her tensed shoulders with a soft sigh and pulling her into a gentle hug. "Thank you, Abby," she murmured into her shoulder. "You are a good friend." Not being used to Ziva initiating physical contact, it took Abby a moment to respond but then she hugged her back fiercely.

They were interrupted by a buzzing coming from Abby's intercom. The goth reluctantly pulled back from the hug and hopped over to answer it.

She pressed it, answering with a threatening tone, "This better be super important or I swear to God….!"

Gibbs appeared on the monitor. "Keeping your paycheck important enough for ya, Abs?" Abby looked contrite and looked down. Gibbs shot her a playful smile before asking, "You got David or DiNozzo down there?

Ziva answered from behind. "I am here, Gibbs. On my way up." She prayed for a day of paperwork so she could simply stare at her desk all day and avoid eye contact. Abby gave her a reassuring smile as she left to catch the elevator and she prayed to every God she could think of that if there was a crime scene today, she was sent out with McGee.

Tony heard a squeal and then the sound of the office doors swooping shut and sealing. His eyes opened in alarm and it took him a moment to orient himself. The smell of chemicals and the hiss of machinery…. Right, Abby's lab. After spending a few hours searching various spots for Ziva, he had given up and gone into the office early hoping to find her there. When she wasn't, and he realised the coffee machine was still out of order, he gave in to his urges and headed down to get a few hours of sleep on Abby's futon.

When he heard Ziva's voice, his heart rate picked up with relief knowing she was safe. He thought about doing the right thing and alerting them to his presence. Hidden behind some piles of books deep beneath Abby's desk, there was no way the two women would be able to see him. As soon as he heard Abby get excited about finding out Ziva's secret, he should have stood up and made himself known, should have offered to walk out and leave them to talk in private.

But he was Tony DiNozzo, and he had never done the right thing when it came to women or gossip, so he wasn't sure why he'd start now. Especially not when it concerned both women AND gossip. And the gossip concerned the one woman he was sure would drive him slowly into insanity. It was not an opportunity his psyche would allow him to pass up, so he leaned back into his pillow, tried to keep his breathing quiet, and listened as Abby begin to explain the concept of a pinkie promise to his partner.

Tony listened with interest as Ziva explained what had transpired last night. Each phrase she uttered was like a dagger to his heart. Her words washed over him, repeating themselves louder and louder in his head like accusations.

"He does not want me, Abby."

"I am a darkness"

"Perhaps he used to."

"I think he misses the 'Old Ziva'. That is who he wanted."

"It does not matter if his body is attracted to me. His heart and mind are not."

"I was stupid for thinking he could still want me now."

Tony felt physically sick. He had done that. He had made her feel that way. His stupid fear of telling her how he felt had made her feel unwanted, damaged, and unworthy, and the thought of her feeling any of that made him want to pull her close into his arms and whisper desperate apologies. Ziva deserved nothing but happiness and he was failing her.

He heard Gibbs on the intercom. He heard Ziva thank Abby and leave. He heard Abby head over to her desk to check her emails and he defiantly heard the loud scream she let out when she spotted him lying beneath her desk.

"Holy…." she gasped, holding her hand to her heart. "What is it with you two? You tryna kill a girl?"

He sat up, a little dazed from the change in angle. "Sorry, Abs."

Abby suddenly got a strange look on her face. "Erm, so how long have you been awake?" she asked, trying to appear innocent by studying her nails.

"The whole time," he confessed, seeing no point in lying to her. He rose to his feet, stretching out the kinks from sleeping curled up on a cramped futon.

Abby nodded a few times. "So…. You're gonna fix this, right?" she asked, wide-eyed. "I mean, she's wrong, isn't she? You didn't really say no because she was…"

Tony's head shot up and he gave her a disgusted look. "Come on, Abby!" he replied angrily. "Of course not."

She nodded rapidly, as though trying to prove she never believed it for a second. "So why did you?" she asked, her tone leading. When Tony didn't answer, keeping his gaze on the floor, she nudged him with her shoulder. "Don't leave it too long to work it out, okay? Or someone else will take her heart again." The problem wasn't working it out. He knew how he felt. The problem was telling her.

Tony shot her a grateful smile. "Thanks, Abs," he said softly, pulling her in for a side hug as they walked back out into the lab. His tone changed to amusement. "By the way, you and I need to have a little chat about this bet thing…."

Abby's eyes widened in alarm, she shrugged out of his embrace and began gathering random bits and pieces of lab equipment from the benches around her. Hands slowly filling with pipettes and vials and several bones from an anatomical skeleton, she began to ramble. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, but I have loads to do right now, and Gibbs… Oh! Gibbs called and wants you to go up – he said you'd get fired if you weren't on time, so don't be late because you know how Gibbs gets, especially if he hasn't had his coffee or has to work with…."

Tony didn't hear the end of her ramble because the elevator doors closed behind him, his mind fixed on when and how he could talk to Ziva. He prayed to the universe that Gibbs would send them out together. He desperately needed to explain.

The Crime Gods were not working in his favor today. He looked up expectantly every time Gibbs answered his phone and was always disappointed when he was given a pointed look and told to get back to his paperwork. Tony spent the morning sneaking glances at Ziva, who was steadfastly focused on her reports and was clearly trying not to look in his direction. He caught her eye a few times, hating the pain he saw there. The pain he put there.

Gibbs had given her a concerned glare when he found her at her desk. He didn't bother trying to fight her. Perhaps he knew it would be a day in the office and at least here he could keep an eye on her. McGee had tried to start various conversations but was met with cold silence from Ziva and only short responses from Tony. Clearly sensing the atmosphere in the room, Gibbs gave Tony a cold stare before leaving at lunch, trying to read the truth on his agent's face. The older man glanced over his shoulder to Ziva, who quickly refocused on her work. He glared again at Tony, before telling them they could leave at 5 if no case came in.

When Ziva excused herself and got up to go to the bathroom, Tony took advantage of his boss's departure and decided to follow her in. They always seemed to have their important conversations in bathrooms. He didn't see the point in changing things now.

"I'm gonna hit the head, too," he mumbled to McGee before rising from his seat and turning left out of the bullpen.

McGee looked up, utter confusion on his face. "Erm, Tony?" he called to the agents retreating back, his hand pointing over his shoulder. "The men's room is that way…"

Tony chose not to respond, nor to look back. He didn't need to add trying to explain this whole thing to McGee on top of everything else. It was bad enough that Abby knew. He resolved to try and fix this before it spiraled, although he knew it would take a lot to get her to let him in again. She had come to him raw and vulnerable, and from her point of view, he'd rejected her because of it. If he didn't fix this now, he risked never being allowed into her heart again.

He found her washing her hands at the sink, noticing she avoided looking at her own reflection. He knew she was burying it, pushing down all the pain that had surfaced and hiding it beneath sheets of metal and rubble. If he let her, she'd never speak of it again. But he wasn't going to let her keep doing it. There's only so much you can bury before the ground starts to break down. She was close to the edge, and he wanted more than anything to catch her before she fell.

She watched him closely as he checked each stall, making sure they were alone. He wandered back to the sink, leaning on it and appraising her from the side. Her hair was still down, slightly disheveled from what he now knew was a night of self-destruction and pain. He longed to run his fingers through it, to smooth out the knots and pull her close to breathe in her soft smell.

"We need to talk," he eventually said, feeling foolish for stating the obvious but he didn't know how else to start this conversation.

She looked down at the floor, balling up the paper towel she had used to dry her hands and tossing it easily into the bin without looking. "I do not want to talk," she replied coldly, before moving to leave the bathroom.

Tony caught her arm before she could get past him. "Too bad, because we are. We can't ignore this, Ziva."

"Of course we can," she hissed. "We are very good at ignoring things, Tony. This is just another thing we must forget."

Her tone was resigned. He knew what she thought, but she didn't know he knew what she had told Abby. He decided to own up to his eavesdropping, there was no way he'd get through a conversation with her without giving it away anyway and he figured honesty was the best policy here. "I – uh…" he started, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly guilty for invading what was supposed to be a confidential moment with a friend.

"Last night when you left," he continued, "I spent hours trying to find you. I went to your apartment, your gym, various bars." She didn't say anything, didn't look at him but at least she was listening. "Eventually I came here and when I still couldn't find you, I figured I'd sleep on Abby's futon, you know… until morning…"

He glanced at her, seeing the moment of realisation cross over her face. It was quickly replaced by anger. "You were eavesdropping?!" she asked indignantly.

"Well, that implies I was doing it deliberately…" he tried to cover. When she didn't look impressed, he gestured wildly in front of himself, trying to convince her. "I was asleep when you guys came in the back. What was I supposed to do? Stand up and say, 'Hey, I'll just head out of your way whilst you talk about me'?"

"Yes!" she shouted, her dark eyes ablaze with fury. "You definitely do not continue listening!"

He gave her a pointed look. "Would you have stopped listening?" When she pursed her lips and didn't reply he added a confident, "Exactly!"

Tony sighed, glad at least that they were on the same page now. "Look, Ziva, I am sorry I listened in. I didn't plan to." Ziva didn't reply, she shrugged her shoulders in defeat, as though none of it mattered anyway. He hated that – anytime she lost her fight and gave up scared him to death. He stepped towards her again, his large hands coming to rest on her narrow shoulders. "But it's killing me that you think I stopped because of what happened to you."

Ziva stared at him for a second before she pushed his hands off her. Her voice was still raised in annoyance, but this time he wasn't sure if it was at herself or him. Probably both.

"What am I supposed to think, Tony? Because from where I stand, I can think of only one reason you would not - "

"Well, I can think of at least three much better ones!" He cut her off with a shout of his own, growing frustrated with her unwillingness to listen to him. She frowned at him, as though completely oblivious to the feelings brewing inside him. Perhaps she was, but he knew she wouldn't ask any questions, wouldn't ask for his reasons. She'd believe her own until he willingly told her otherwise. They stood face to face, staring each other down, each silently daring the other to make another move.

Tony was about to give in and spill his heart to her when the bathroom door swung open and a female agent neither of them knew wandered in. When she caught sight of the two of them mid-argument, she mumbled an apology and stepped back out. Tony sighed, knowing the moment was lost. He could already see the mask of indifference falling back across his partner's face. He sighed, deciding to allow her to walk away now, but attempting to pin her down later.

He cleared his throat. "I'm going to come over tonight, after work. We can talk more then." It was deliberately phrased as a statement not a question. It told her he wasn't letting this go, wasn't letting her walk away and forget it.

Ziva considored him for a moment, and his heart rate picked up when he briefly saw a flash of fight in her. She seemed to push it back when she recognised the determination in his eyes and finally nodded her assent to him.

Before he walked out of the bathroom, he turned to her again. "And for the record, Ziva," he began, leaning in to whisper into her ear, loving the way errant strands of her hair tickled his nose. "My body has never been the only part of me that's attracted to you." He smiled at the small shudder that ran through her body from his proximity before leaving her there to regroup and returning to the bullpen.

He glanced at his watch - 5pm could not come soon enough.

A/N: This was originally only supposed to be a 2-part story. I think it will now be 3-part. Please let me know what you think. Reviews really help motivate me to write, and I love to hear what you guys think (I also appreciate constructive criticism!)