Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
The Dauntless compound is the ideal place to recover. The gloomy darkness swallows up any needless light or noise. It's full of quiet, hidden places, places that appear to be secret.
I find a short hallway near the Pit, sitting down with my back leaning against the wall. I like how the stone's so cold, it's like it's leaching the heat from my skin. My headache hasn't lessened in intensity, and neither have the various aches and pains from the fight, but now I'm not registering any of them.
Having won the fight, it'll be a while before I have to worry about getting cut from Dauntless. I should be smiling, accepting handshakes and pats on the back, not hiding away. But it seems that with every good thing that comes along, there's a high price to pay.
I beat Amy in my second fight. In exchange, I shed my own skin and wore that of my worst enemy. Then I snuck out with Amar and the other Dauntless and spent all night partying. In exchange, I got so sick I almost lost my most important fight. Then I harnessed all the power inside of me in order to defeat Jason. In exchange, I went further with the violence than I've ever dared to go before.
What's the total cost of turning Dauntless? How can I best learn to walk the line between assertive and cruel? I close my eyes, calling out to God for His guidance, but lately, it seems He'll only come through when I least expect it. Seems like He wants me to figure these things out on my own.
I'm wrapped in silence, so it gives me a shock to hear someone knocking on the stone wall, like it's a door. I look up and see Shauna. "Whoa. You startled me."
"Sorry 'bout that." She's grinning at me, but with no hostility. "Just wanted to say congrats."
She takes a seat on the floor across from me, her back against the opposite wall. Now our feet are just inches apart. I don't know why I care, though. Well, yes I do. She's a girl. Memories of my failed first relationship come rushing back, and I hope my nervousness doesn't show.
"Did you hear?" Shauna's grin gets more pronounced. "You broke Jason's nose."
"'Kay," I say ambiguously. Should I tell her I'm not exactly thrilled about that? I don't know.
But Shauna's already changing the subject. "Can you…" She looks down for several long moments. "Could you spare a couple of days to help me?"
Wow. Dauntless girls are unpredictable. "Help you with what?"
"Fighting. I'm no good at it. I keep getting humiliated in the arena." Shauna shakes her head. "In a few days, I'll have to face off with one of the best people in our group, and I'm scared she'll literally kill me."
"So why do you want me?" I ask, suddenly on edge. "Is it 'cause I'm Abnegation, and we're supposed to help people?"
"What? No," she replies, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I want you 'cause you're the best in your group right now."
I have to laugh. "No, I'm not."
"Jason was the only undefeated one, and you just crushed him, so yeah, you are," says Shauna. The look on her face says she believes this with her whole heart.
I give in. "Okay, I'll help," I say. "I just don't really know how."
"We'll figure it out," she says. "See you around?"
I nod, and she grins, gets up, and starts to leave. But a few steps down the hall, she turns back and looks at me one last time. "Quit sulking already," she chastises me gently. "Everyone's in awe of you. Embrace it."
As I watch her silhouette turn the corner and vanish, something dawns on me. I was so disturbed by my actions during the fight, I didn't consider all the implications of me beating Jason. I may now be first in my class. Yeah, I chose Dauntless as an escape, but I'm not just doing great, I'm excelling enough that I might be ranked higher than Eric.
I look at Jason's blood on my knuckles and smile.
The next morning, I take a calculated risk. I decide to sit with Zeke and Shauna at breakfast. Clearly, she's not an early riser. Shauna slumps over her food and responds to the ongoing conversation in grunts. Zeke's yawning as he refills his cup of coffee, but he's up and ready to go.
He points out his family to me. His little brother, Uriah, sits at another table with Lynn, Shauna's sister. Their mom, Hana, is still in the breakfast line. She's the tamest Dauntless I've ever seen, her faction indicated only by the color of her clothing.
"Do you miss being at home?" I ask Zeke.
"Not really," he answers, shrugging. "I mean, my family's right here. I talk to them whenever, even though I'm technically not allowed to."
He takes a bite out of his blueberry muffin. The Dauntless sure do love their baked goods, I've noticed. When I got to the end of the line, all the good flavors of muffin were already taken, so I had to settle for bran.
I nod at Zeke. Next to me, Shauna's eyes are sliding shut, and she seems to be falling asleep with her chin on her hand. "What about you?" asks Zeke. "Do you miss home?"
"Nope," I say without hesitation. To drive the point home, I flash Zeke a grin while I finish chewing the rest of my muffin. When I'm done, Zeke hits me with another question. "Where's your Erudite friend?"
I lift a shoulder. "He's not up yet," I say casually.
My new friend's about to respond, but just then Shauna's chin slips off her hand and she smashes her chocolate muffin with her face. "Whoops!" Before my brain can process it, I'm rolling with laughter. Zeke is too, to the point where he has tears in his eyes.
This is an underrated perk of being Dauntless.
Today is Visiting Day. Eric's feeling conflicted about that.
"Mama!" Several yards below him, someone crows with joy. A Dauntless-born initiate with blue streaks in her hair runs forth to meet her mom. "Give me a hug, baby girl," the mother practically orders her daughter. Her muscular arms embrace the girl. Eric studies them, feeling like what he's witnessing is too personal and intimate for him to watch.
He turns away from the Pit and, in his mind, runs through all the different possible outcomes of this day. Option one, his family never shows up, meaning they've disowned him. Option two, they do show up, but they're mad at him for leaving without a goodbye. Option three, they show up and, to save face, they pretend to approve of his choice.
Which would be best? No way to tell till Visiting Day concludes.
Then all of a sudden, Eric spots a trim, feminine figure wandering among the black-clad initiates. It's his sister, Megan. And sure enough, there are two older people with her. They're Eric's parents, Maggie and Jeffrey.
His parents look just like they did when he left them. Groomed, impressively dressed, perfectly put together. Their pores scrubbed till no dirt, or emotion, remains on their faces. Their clothes, shoes, and accessories the same exact shade of blue. They stand out as Erudite members among the Dauntless.
Suddenly, Eric feels a need to escape. He has no desire to speak to, or even acknowledge, his parents and sister. He ducks into the crowd of people dressed all in black, hoping his matching attire will make him blend in. Then he weaves through the crowd till he's certain his family can't see him.
A minute later, he emerges and finds a lookout point near the stairs leading into the Pit. He searches all the faces that are in close proximity. No Megan. No Maggie or Jeffrey.
Eric heaves a sigh of relief.
He decides to stay in the dormitory for the remainder of the afternoon. But to get there, he has to squeeze past an entire family that's getting together. The family consists of a mom, a dad, an aunt and uncle, several children, and two sets of grandparents, all of them wearing the same shade of blue. One young man standing with them wears Dauntless black.
It's only when Eric makes it past them that he realizes he deeply regrets what he just did.
"You saw your dad?"
Mia materializes behind me. I turn around quickly, shaking my head no. "He didn't even show up," I explain. "But I don't mind."
I sat at the edge of the railing above the Pit for a half hour, spying on my fellow initiates as they spent time with their families. Now that I think about it, why did I? Do I have masochistic tendencies? Do I like how much it hurts when a metaphorical knife's shoved into my heart?
Because that was how it felt to see the parents come together with their kids. Especially the fathers. Every time I saw a dad hold his son in his arms, kiss his daughter on the cheek, rock his newborn baby to sleep, I was slammed by all these thoughts of what could've been. Well, I guess jealousy comes with a side of physical pain.
God, why's this happening? I ask silently. I thought my life would do a complete turnaround once I chose Dauntless and committed to it. But the lingering pains are still there, long after my departure from Abnegation. And I still am not sure I'll find an actual family in Dauntless.
I tell myself to remain grounded and grateful to God, in spite of everything. He's already done so much in my favor since I came here. And I need to trust His timing and believe that everything will work out in the end.
"How've you been?" I ask Mia. "Did you talk to Eric, after…"
Mia wrinkles her nose. "You don't gotta bring that up. He tried saying sorry after the fight was over. I said we need to move on." She gives a halfhearted shrug. "We did what was required, now it's over."
"If that's how you feel," I say, "more power to you."
I keep walking. Up ahead, I recognize the door to our dormitory. It's good that I'm away from the Pit, nowhere near those lucky initiates and their fawning families. Besides, Visiting Day gets way too much love. The actual highlight of today will be seeing our rankings.
As long as the ones I care about aren't near the bottom.
"Ms. Matthews," Eric exclaims, "you're here again?"
Like the first time, Jeanine's appearance in the Dauntless compound is unexpected. Eric stiffens a little when he sees her approach him. Of course, he misses his former teacher. He always will, but he's already on his way to becoming a Dauntless leader. Leaders can't show attachment to their old faction.
But Eric can't keep his distance from Jeanine in this short hallway. And frankly, he doesn't want to. She keeps smiling as she gets closer. "Not for Visiting Day, if that's what you're wondering," she answers his question. "The leaders of Dauntless and I are…" She hesitates. "Negotiating."
"Politics as usual, huh?" Eric says wryly.
"I suppose." Jeanine is now close enough to touch him. "However, I came to say how proud I am of you." Her eyes twinkle as she looks down at her former student.
Eric swallows hard. "Seriously?"
"Mm-hm," replies Jeanine. "You did just what I suggested, and it worked out beautifully."
On hearing this bit of praise, Eric suddenly forgets about his steadfast commitment to his new faction. He grins at Jeanine. "Thank you," he says. "I couldn't have done it without you."
"You've very welcome. Oh, one more thing." Jeanine pulls a sleek silver card out of her hip pocket, holding it up to the light. "To ensure you always have someone to confide in."
Eric gets a better look at the card's laminated surface. The embossed text on the front reveals that it's a pass to access Erudite headquarters. His heart beats faster, no doubt from excitement. Is he somehow just imagining this? Or did he really receive permission from the leader of Erudite to stay in contact with his old faction?
Jeanine keeps talking. "You'll find my office on the top floor. And the code to get in, it's the sequence of numbers on the back of your card. Just add the number of your birth month to each digit. Will you remember that?"
A little dazed, Eric nods. He's immediately swept into a hug by Jeanine, then she kisses him on one cheek. He'd normally be mortified at this kind of affection, but now he savors it. "I'll see you soon, Eric," his favorite teacher assures him, then, before he can ask her to stay longer, she's letting him go.
All six of us are sweating bullets, but that isn't gonna stop us from talking. The singular focus of all our overlapping conversations is, of course, our rankings. Amar's still calculating them, the chalkboard gripped tightly in his hands. I wish he'd hurry up and get the whole thing out of the way.
"Calm down, people," Amar tells us. "The world's not ending. You're just gonna see how you're ranked."
Jason throws in his opinion, his voice raised to a ridiculous volume. "That's the thing, Amar," he says. "For us, this is a matter of life and death."
Amar looks like he's two seconds away from tossing Jason out of the room. "Not the case when I went through initiation," he claps back. "That being said, here are your ranks." And before any of us can properly react, he puts the chalkboard up and stands back to let us see.
All sound ceases in the dormitory. We all look down the list, and I find my own name first.
3. Thomas E.
4. Mia G.
I'm in the top three! Okay, so I overestimated myself a bit, but it feels awesome knowing I'm safe. Thank you, Jesus! I shout silently, then I search for Eric's name. I'm not really worried about him, but I want to know where everybody stands.
1. Eric K.
2. Jason D.
Oh, yeah. Even after his loss to the latter, Eric stopped Jason from reaching the coveted first place. I'd kiss him if the other initiates weren't watching. Still, it puts a sour taste in my mouth to see Jason so high on the list. Not that he himself is satisfied.
"Hey, man," Jason addresses Amar in protest. "What the hell's this?" He aims a finger at Eric's face. "I put that Nose in the hospital for days, and he passed me. How?"
Silence reigns until Amar puts his reply into words. He speaks in a bored, blunt tone. "Candor, you're not on top 'cause you're a cheat and an asshole."
Jason's voice hitches in his throat, his retort forgotten before he can get it out.
The loud laughter that ensues makes me think of the popping of a bubble. Before the rankings were put up, no one but Amar could breathe comfortably. Now the air's lighter, sweeter, containing a different taste. For another couple of weeks, Mia, Eric, and I are safe from factionlessness.
It's just after noon. There's nothing for us to do, mainly because the Dauntless gave us a day off.
Shauna and the Dauntless-borns have the day off, too. I know this because she just came to remind me of our agreement. We're in the training room, and we're going to start sparring soon.
I watch Shauna intently as she practices the basic moves, punching and kicking at nothing. Her dark hair's been pulled back from her face, and her Dauntless boots, normally untied and flapping, are laced up to her calves. She pauses between each hit to adjust her position. For a moment I just look at her, not sure what to suggest. I only just got good at fighting myself, I'm hardly qualified to be her coach.
But as I keep watching, I start to notice her weaknesses. When she stops for a second, wiping her forehead and giving me an expectant look, I have some pointers ready for her.
"Tip number one," I say, joining her in the arena, "make sure your knees aren't locked." I gesture to her legs, and she corrects her stance. "Tip number two," I go on, "don't leave your face unprotected." I gently guide her hands up, so they'll guard her nose, mouth, and cheeks. "Tip number three," I continue, "throw your whole body weight behind each hit." I show her what I mean. "You wanna knock this girl out."
"Okay, I'm learning," says Shauna. She nervously chews on the inside of her cheek, but she takes my suggestions without another word. The next punch she throws actually looks legit.
"Good," I say. "You actually pose a threat to me now." We both laugh, and any tension between us disappears. Another thirty minutes pass while Shauna and I spar. I sometimes have to tap her elbow with a finger to remind her to guard her face, but now she's moving much better than before.
"You know," she suddenly suggests, "you should hit me for real. Then I'd learn faster." My eyes widen a little at that. Dauntless girls are really unpredictable.
In response, I say truthfully, "I would rather not."
"You think that's some kind of Abnegation chivalry, but it's actually pretty insulting," Shauna says, not unkindly. "I can take care of myself. Even though I've got girl parts." She gestures to her chest and I look away on cue, my cheeks flushing.
"I promise, it's not 'cause you're a girl," I tell her. "It's just…" I pull myself together. "Violence for the sake of it, that's not my thing."
"An Abnegation trait, huh?" Shauna stares at me, curiosity in her eyes.
I don't know what to say, so I just reply, "Yeah."
"Alright. Let's go again." Shauna and I continue to spar. This time, when I look at her, I realize I think she's pretty. Not in a traditionally feminine way, though. She looks good to me because she just overflows with strength. Her eyes are bright and critical, her muscles taut, her hair bouncing as she moves.
We go over her game plan, and then we practice till she masters the uppercut. By the time we've finished, it's almost dinnertime. We leave the training room and she thanks me quickly.
"Good job, Shauna," I say to her. Her first response is to fling an arm around me. It's a simple embrace, but she laughs at how tense my body gets. Alright, so I'm still part Abnegation. You learn something new about yourself every day.
"How to be Dauntless, an introductory course," Shauna jokes. "Lesson number one. It's okay to hug the people you like."
Now I can't even look at her. I'm aware of sweat pouring down the back of my neck. She's laughing as she walks with me to the dining hall, and it seems our interaction was casual. But neither my heartbeat nor my furious blush will let me forget what she just said.
"No cuts," Eric informs me. "Best news all week, right?"
The water below makes so much noise, it's a wonder I can hear my friend's voice. I'm standing with my hands in my pockets, one arm braced against the railing that overlooks the chasm. The powerful waves of water splash chaotically against the rocks. I learned to like it here because of how the place demands respect. It reminds the Dauntless that there's a line even they shouldn't cross. Mess with this force of nature, and it'll end you.
I'm tempted to agree with Eric. It's exceedingly rare to see the Dauntless give everyone a passing grade. But that's what they did yesterday. I thank God that now I won't have to watch as Amy or Sean gets kicked out.
So yeah, it is good news. But then I look back at Eric and say, "I've got something better." And I mean it. "I think I found a girl I…" And then, just like how it happens in books, my voice cuts off before I get to the last part.
Eric completes my sentence. "Like?" he says with a grin. "As in, you plan on exchanging vows someday?"
I laugh with him. "Not in the foreseeable future, but yes. I like her that way."
"Ooh, which girl?" Eric presses, his eyes glittering with anticipation.
"Shauna, the Dauntless-born." There's literally no point in hiding the specifics from him, so might as well let him know. "I was just teaching her some hand-to-hand basics."
"Cute," Eric remarks. "Maybe, if you play it right, your wedding's gonna come first."
I can't resist poking him back. "That's not happening," I say. "Look at you and Mia. You're already in too deep with her." Eric seems more than a bit surprised when I say that. With a little nudging, I get him to tell me more. Last night apparently, he accepted an invitation from Mia to, well, let's just say to spend the night with her.
I almost can't believe it. "My man, I love you, but this is the dumbest thing you've ever done," I chide him. "You better have made sure there were some spare condoms lying around. Or a morning-after pill, or…"
"Duh, of course I did," Eric interrupts. He crosses his arms, looking indignant. "I come from Erudite, remember? I know I gotta take precautions. I still remember what that girl did to you when we were thirteen. I ain't ever gonna let anyone play me like that."
The mere mention of that incident makes me taste bile. I might not be the smoothest or slickest when it comes to romance, but what the girl did was just flat-out wrong.
Still, God had that happen for a reason. I need to know that it isn't wise to just jump into the Dauntless way of life, no holds barred. If I'm going to be Dauntless, I want to do it on my terms, not theirs. I was given a choice between forsaking God to fit in with people who don't really care about me, and continuing to love God and be loved by Him. And, well, we know exactly which one I'll choose.