Five days after the big Graveyard fight, and, more importantly, five days after Elrena had barfed out the contents of her Heart to the only guy she could have, she found herself coming to a decision while taking a shower.
The niggling little idea had come to her while washing her hair - and then it had stayed with her as she'd gotten out. Stayed as she dried herself off, and then just came roaring up to the surface as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.
She reached for the comb - and then hesitated. She looked to her new favorite brand of hair gel...and she hesitated to grab it, too!
"Ugh, come on! What's wrong with you?!" she shouted at herself in frustration and uncertainty. She blinked at herself - her gaze roamed over her own face in the mirror. Then, her eyes slid down to land on the brush handle sticking out of the messy pile on the countertop.
She looked back up at herself in the mirror. Then back down to the brush handle...
"No," she told herself. "I'm not doing it. Not. Doing it. Forget it! Nuh-uh! Nooope..."
Elrena somehow found herself reaching for the brush anyways. She shook her head violently. She raised the brush to her head - and stopped an inch before making contact.
Don't do it - what are you trying to prove, anyways? Do you think it'll change anything? Yeah right! So why are you even bothering? I mean...
"B-because I want to, okay?! Now shut UP!" Elrena yelled at her reflection, slamming her free hand down on the counter. Her decision made, she started to brush!
Several grueling, painful minutes later, after showing her hair who was boss, Elrena came to another decision - an easier one, sure, but still a little embarrassing!
She snuck around the narrow streets and stairways of Scala, making her way to the nearest cluster of abandoned restaurants and shops, right near a big, grassy strip of a park. The paths were much narrower here, with high buildings on all sides, and it even went a bit below the ground - into short tunnels and passages. And she knew a thing or two about sneaking around, regardless. She moved quickly and confidently, and slipped into a clothing store.
She'd never exactly thought to ask, say, Luxu about why everything here was still so relatively pristine and untouched...but she wondered about it again now, as she ransacked the store that was still full of shelves and hangars of clothing items that didn't look even a single day old. Like everyone in this city had just up and vanished all at once, really. It was so weird. Anyways, Elrena ignored the weirdness and chose the pieces of her new outfit, then went into the back to try them on properly.
After a few more repeats of this, she finally found something she thought looked...good. She wasn't some fashion buff or anything - but she also wasn't some idiot who didn't know how to match colors, or styles! Any moron could do it! And they should, because they'd look ridiculous - and Elrena wasn't going to look...ridiculous, in front of Lauriam - or Namine! Or anyone else! She kept her enchanted, teal leather jacket, of course, but what she wore beneath it now was different - something fresh and new.
Satisfied with herself now, Elrena made her way back across the city, marching all the way to Lauriam's chosen little home: a small building on the corner of a street, on the edge near the ocean blue waters. It had a patch of grass in front of the door that hardly qualified as a lawn - yet it was decorated with scattered little flower pots, all the same, surrounding a small table and two neat chairs of pristine white.
Elrena stepped up the door, raising her fist to knock - and hesitated. She lingered there, looking this way and that, letting out a long fluttering of air between her lips.
What's the holdup? came the annoying voice in her head again. You aren't scared, are you?! Why do you even care what he-
Because I just do! Elrena argued back with that stupid little voice! Because- oh, shut up! You know! It's- l-love - and love makes people into idiots! Apparently, that includes me, too! So give me a break already! It's just how it goes-
"Elrena...?"
The door had opened - WHAT? And now Lauriam was there, staring at her like the idiot she was!
Elrena jerked her arm down to her side, turning away with burning cheeks. "W-what?! You- you ruined my moment!" she blurted out, jabbing a finger sharply at the man.
Lauriam gazed at her still - but he raised his eyebrows at her. "My apologies. Would you like to start over?"
"What- no! Just - shut up and let me in..." Elrena babbled, stomping forward and pushing past him.
She heard a sigh from him, behind her. But... "You look different today."
"Oh, so you noticed? You're so observant! Congratulations-"
"Elrena: I think you look radiant."
She froze. Her hands clasped together at her waist, fumbling with one another. "D-do I? Because I think I look completely stupid..." she mumbled.
"You'd look beautiful no matter how your appearance was altered; true beauty is an expression of the Heart."
"R-right, true beauty is on the inside - so you don't think I look too hot now, got it," Elrena snapped.
"Elrena...that wasn't what I meant," Lauriam said, exasperated. "You looked perfectly fine before, and you look beautiful now. That's all."
Elrena sighed, dropping her head and turning back to look at him finally. "I still feel like I'm just a Nobody - someone playing at being her..."
"I'm sure the feeling will fade with time."
"Whatever."
"That is a lovely dress - and your hair is perfect."
Elrena gazed at him sharply now. "Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"Fine, I'll take your word for it, I guess." Elrena shrugged, unclasping her hands.
Lauriam simply smiled. "Is there anything you'd like to do today?"
"Why are you asking me that...? Why are you asking me at all?"
"Well, isn't that what partners do?" Lauriam said, laughing now. "They generally...do things with together, don't they?"
"How am I supposed to know?!" Elrena exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "I've never- and neither have you!" she added swiftly, glaring.
"True," he admitted easily. "Neither of us has any experience in this area of life. But that only means that we should...step through that door together, and explore what's beyond it."
"What, so you want us to start - going on d-dates or something? Holding hands, being all cute together?"
"That is usually what a romantic relationship entails, yes. But I don't think it has to be exactly that - not if you don't want it to."
"I'm not one of your stupid, delicate little flowers!" Elrena suddenly found herself yelling out.
Lauriam frowned deeply, looking away. "I never said you were - and I never would have implied such a thing. Elrena...simply opening up your Heart doesn't mean you're weak - and it does not mean that I'm treating you like you are."
"Yeah, well-"
"If you don't think you can trust me enough to be vulnerable with me-"
"You just said it wasn't about weakness, now you're saying I need to be vulnerable! Make up your goddamn mind!" Elrena shouted with vindication.
"Those words aren't necessarily synonymous, Elrena! It doesn't mean that. It just means-"
"I don't care what it means! Just- buzz off!"
Lauriam gave a great sigh, turning away and crossing his arms. "All right. If you don't feel like you're capable of this level of- emotional sharing, then perhaps it was a mistake to try this at all. If you're not ready for this, then we can call the whole thing off. No hard feelings at all."
That was it? Done - finished? No hard feelings? Just because she didn't want to get all- all-
"Okay - then fine. I knew this wasn't for me! Have fun with your flowers; I'm going to go find Skuld," Elrena rattled off, turning and stalking from the building.
She marched off down the streets, up the steps, around a corner - through a narrow alleyway. Down into an underground tunnel lined with shops. She emerged into a fountain square, and hooked a hard left. She followed the streets until she came to the park again - the one right along the edge of the city. After a moment of combing the park, Elrena spotted Skuld. The woman was in her usual spot, this time of day: sitting in the grass, right under a tree. There was a stack of books next to her, and one open and sitting in her lap.
Elrena took a breath and put on a smile as she started over to the woman. "Hey! What's up?" she called cheerfully. "How's your day been?"
Skuld startled at her voice, turning quickly. But then she relaxed - smiled back. "It's been nice."
Elrena sat down next to Skuld upon reaching her. She drew her knees in and wrapped her arms around them. "Good," she sighed. "Soooo glad to hear that..."
"Are you-"
"Okay? No. I don't want to talk about it," Elrena cut across. "Why don't we talk about you."
"Me...?" Skuld frowned at her. "What do you want me to-"
"Just - give me anything."
"There's something...but I don't want to make your mood worse..."
"My mood cannot get any worse," Elrena assured with a snort. "Hit me."
"Well," Skuld began. "I decided that I don't...want to be here anymore."
"Huh?" Elrena turned to stare at the woman, concern worming its way into her chest. "What're you saying, exactly...?"
"Ventus. He said he was going to be here today to- take me to the Land of Departure. Since I still can't remember how to create portals with my Keyblade..."
"So...you're just going there? For w-what? For training - or a sleepover?"
"A little of both," came the other woman's response. "I asked Master Aqua if I couldn't...stay with them...instead of staying here."
"Hold on a second, are you actually saying that you're actually - what? - moving out?"
Skuld nodded.
Elrena felt a surge of emotions. A whole bunch of them: anger, disappointment...and envy. She bit her tongue and turned her head aside, looking out across the waters to a distant city-island identical to the one she was currently on. One she knew still held those damned "ancient masters". The former Union Leaders who had led everyone into war...
"I've got to get out of here, too," Elrena decided. "I can't stand knowing those bastards are right across the pond - and I don't need to keep running into Lauriam anymore, either..."
Skuld glanced at her with curiosity of her own. "What happened with-"
"Doesn't matter!" Elrena said swiftly, raising a hand. "You know what? I'm coming with you! Yeah, I'm done with this place! All it even holds are the worst sort of memories, don't you think?"
Skuld gazed at her in surprise. She nodded. "I still can't believe...Daybreak Town is beneath our feet."
"Well, you and I are going to blow this joint - leave the old masters to rot with the rest of these ruins!"
"What about Lauriam? And Strelitzia?"
"He can do whatever he wants; he's a big boy," Elrena said, dismissive. "I don't really care right now."
Skuld gave another nod, staying silent.
Liar, came the whispered voice in her Heart.
Elrena continued doing her absolute best to ignore it. And in the name of ignoring it... "What're you reading there, anyways? Anything good?"
Skuld glanced down at her lap. She closed the book, holding her hands flat over the cover. "It's just something I found in the libraries," she murmured quickly, as her cheeks flushed.
Elrena felt a genuine smile tugging at her lips now. She leaned over and reached for the book. "Oooh, is it something racy? Does someone have a preference for the lewd? Give me a little look, at least - I won't tell!"
Skuld swiftly turned away, holding the book to her chest now. She shook her head, long dark hair flying everywhere. "It's- nothing- like...that!" she struggled to get out.
"Then what's the harm in letting me see it?"
Skuld held her position, refusing to budge. Refusing to speak now, too.
Elrena sighed, sitting back. She brushed at her hair self-consciously, flushing herself when she realized she'd made the motion at all. "Okay, whatever - keep your secrets."
Skuld gave Elrena a highly suspicion-filled side-eye. But then she relaxed again, sitting back against the tree and lowering the book down again. She still kept it covered, though.
Elrena glanced at her, then bit her lip. "I'm not going to judge you or anything, you know?" she threw out suddenly. "Really, what do I care? Back in Daybreak Town, when I had nothing to do - I read some of the wooorst stuff you could ever give a teenage girl access to. Trust me!"
"So you...liked to- read?" Skuld gritted, her face twisting with distress. Frustration flashed in her eyes, though it wasn't directed at Elrena.
Elrena shrugged. She brushed her hair back again, off her shoulders. Then she looked down at herself and smoothed out her dress. "Sure - like I said - when I had nothing better to do. Those in-between hours, after fighting Heartless and collecting Lux...I had to fill my time with something."
"Didn't you have- friends? Lauriam, and-"
"I met him after the war - though, I didn't know it at the time, did I?" Elrena retorted. "And on that subject, I've gotta say, the whole plan you guys had to make us think the war didn't come to pass-"
"I- I'm- s-sorry-" Skuld began desperately, with wide eyes.
"Hey, I'm not going to take out my Keyblade and run you through over it," Elrena assured. "I was actually going to tell you that I...wish it could have stayed that way. In that Data world or whatever - just thinking that...life had continued on. That it was all peaceful and happy and we all crapped out rainbows and ice cream and puppies- you get what I'm saying! Because I think I was...happier...that way, compared to- when the end came, and the darkness came again to swallow us all up and finish the job. It was nice - no grief, no pain, no confusion, no flat out terror about the end of all life as I knew it. About the end of the whole World..."
"A-are you saying- you're...grateful for it?"
"Yeah. I am. And I wish I could go back to it, too, you know," Elrena said quietly, looking away. "Having all of this in my head now - in my Heart - it's...I can't stand it! I want out, I want...I wish I were still a Nobody."
"But you- when you were a- Nobody- you couldn't...feel things? Happiness? Excitement? Affection? Love-"
"And what good is any of that, in the grand scheme of things?" Elrena said sharply, whipping her head back to glare at the woman. "Sure, you have all that good stuff, but there's sadness, there's sorrow, there's grief and guilt and rage and helplessness - and it's so much more powerful, it just sweeps all the rest away and wraps you up and just- drowns you! All that happy little good stuff? It's like clinging to a tree branch in the middle of an ocean storm! It's nothing! It's not worth it!"
"I- know how-"
"What? How I feel? How hard it is? You don't know a damn thing!" Elrena spat. "You-"
"I spent ten years- lying in a bed, knowing nothing about who I am! I barely remember...the past ten years of my life!" Skuld unexpectedly fired back, her amber eyes burning into Elrena.
"Well I spent the past damn near ten years locked up in a dungeon, being starved, burned, tortured until I broke!" Elrena yelled right back at her. "And the whole time I didn't know who I was either! I didn't know how I'd ended up there, or why, or what I'd ever d-done to deserve any of it! What kind of person I must have been to be made to suffer all of that! And then I couldn't take it any more, so I gave in, I let the darkness have me - and then...I woke up again and I was free! No more confusion, no more pain, no more misery and wondering, no more fleeting fantasies about someone giving a damn and rescuing me..."
"Becoming a Nobody was the best thing that ever happened to me!" Elrena declared fiercely, tears streaming down her face.
"No. It was- wrong of us," Skuld blurted.
"What was wrong of you?" Elrena hissed.
"Taking away- your memories of the war," Skuld replied haltingly. "It didn't do you any- good. You can't just- go through life...always avoiding-"
Elrena's arm shot up, her hand meeting the other woman's face with a loud smack. Skuld fell sideways, her book careening from her lap; the dark-haired woman caught herself on a clumsily thrown out arm, gasping. Elrena jumped to her feet now, towering over the woman with her fists clenched. "No one asked you for your opinion, you dumb bitch!"
Skuld stayed there on the ground, her head bowed. Her long dark hair glistening in the sun - hiding her face.
"The only one being dumb here...is you..." came her quiet, murmuring voice. "It's not hard because it's not worth it: it's hard...because it's worth it. It's worth the effort. It's worth...fighting for. And if you feel like it's too hard...you have a dozen or more people around you, who are all willing to help you. Support you. But you won't even try...? Just - hurt us? Push us all away?" Skuld lifted her head, looking up at Elrena - right in the eye. There was a burning red mark on her cheek now. "It's sad," she finished softly.
"SAD? You're calling me sad?!" Elrena snarled, raging now. "ME?!"
Skuld slowly rose to her feet as well now, brushing herself off. She stepped in, getting real close. Face to face with Elrena. "Just let us in - let someone in. Because you need the help."
"I need help? You're the one who's going to need help in a minute here-"
Elrena broke off as a portal burst into existence to the right. Blue, swirly - Keyblade portal. But the one who emerged out from it wasn't who either of them expected.
It was Luxu.
The man stopped as soon as he stepped out onto the grass, taking in the two of them. Looking from one to the other. He sighed loudly. "Alright, what the hell happened now?"
"Nothing," Elrena snapped. She gestured to the portal. "Does that lead to Twilight Town?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Because I'm out of here - and I'm not going with her, either," Elrena replied, striding toward the portal - bypassing Luxu completely.
"Hey, what's going on-" Luxu started, whirling around and starting after her quickly.
"Try asking her - apparently she has a real high opinion of herself," Elrena said, spinning on a heel to jab a finger toward Skuld - even as she kept walking backwards into the portal. She passed through it alone, leaving Luxu and Skuld behind.
Elrena marched on out the other side of the portal, stepping onto a grassy hilltop, where a now-familiar large house was located. She went right up to the door and pulled it open, stepping inside and heading for the nearest sofa. She threw herself down and hugged herself, laying back on it and shutting her eyes with a breath of great relief.
It could actually be over now, thank god!
Peace, quiet - no more Lauriam, no more Skuld, no more Union Leaders, no more bad memories, no more-
"Luxu? You're back already- ohmygodheyElrena!" came a sudden, high pitched voice.
Elrena's eyes shot open, as she sat bolt-upright again, to see...who else? Namine. She glowered her hardest at the blonde-haired girl, anger bubbling up in her chest again, infuriating panic and frustration and just-
The woman fell back onto the sofa again, closing her eyes and rolling over, putting her back to the girl.
"Elrena...?" Namine said uncertainly. "Are you okay?"
"God, I can't..." Elrena moaned. "I can't, I can't... Please just...leave me alone," she whispered, pleading.
There was a minute of silence - and then, Elrena heard light footsteps retreating - scurrying away out of the living room.
Thank you...
"Hey...Elrena...?"
Elrena stirred, rolling over and opening her eyes blearily.
She shifted arms and legs - then sat up as she realized she was constrained. By a blanket! She threw it off and tried her best to glare at Luxu, who was just standing there in front of her like a creep! "Do not tell me...that you messed with me in my sleep," she croaked out through a terribly sore throat. "If you seriously put even a finger on me-"
"You're not my type," Luxu said flatly - looking entirely unthreatened. He paused, then- "Wasn't me, anyways: it was Namine's doing."
Elrena snorted loudly, sitting back and putting a hand to her face. "I see she hasn't learned a thing from our Organization days...she damn well knows better than to screw with me in my sleep!"
"She was just trying to be a good friend; it didn't take a rocket scientist to know you were really upset about something."
What, so because I was a little upset, I needed tucking in like a little girl? came the scornful thought. But it couldn't quite make its way to her mouth, for some reason.
God, Elrena was just...
"...I'm just fucking tired..." she choked out. "I just...want it to stop already. All of it. I can't do this. Any of this. I can't be here. I can't- why did I think I could even try? I wasn't going to try - I was going to go out in a blaze of glory - avenge all of Daybreak Town, take at least one of those bastards with me! But you ruined it! Lauriam ruined it! EVERYONE. RUINED IT FOR ME!"
Luxu stood there, looking down on her with- god- pity? Stupid, useless sympathy? Then, he sat down on the sofa with her. "I know how you feel, Elrena."
"Please, like hell you do! Everyone says that, but they have no idea-"
"I do," Luxu said harshly. He set his hands in his lap, bowing his head. Dark hair hung down in front of his eyes. "You remember...how I found you - brought you into the Organization?"
"Always," Elrena said tonelessly.
Luxu simply gazed at her, expecting her to figure...something out. Some stupid, hidden meaning in his eyes right then. Not that she had the energy to even...
Elrena closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh, casting her mind and memories back...
She was sitting in the middle of the dark, dirty cell in the dark castle's depths...as she had been for who even knew how long now.
Who cared?
Not her.
There was nothing. She was nothing. No one, anymore.
Even the relief she'd felt when she had finally given up, given in to that darkness, was nowhere to be found within her now.
There was just...emptiness.
Like her Heart was gone, completely removed.
Her mind wasn't even frightened or panicked about the idea.
Her empty mind had its attention caught by a sound. Footsteps, she recognized.
Someone was there outside her cell door - outside the bars. Standing there, now, watching her.
Elrena raised her head, taking in the appearance of a man in a black coat, with a scarred face and an eyepatch. Long dark hair, grey streaks run through it.
No one she recognized from any of her memories.
Even if he had been, she thought she wouldn't have felt anything anyways. Not anymore. Not now...
Even so - it was a change.
And a change warranted a response.
"Who are you?" Elrena said, simple and flat.
The man slowly raised his hand, and darkness burst forth - blowing apart the cell door. The bars clattered to the floor in pieces, dark smoke rising from their ends.
Elrena stood now, slowly, gazing at the man's face.
He stepped forward, closer...and he raised his arms up, in a show of no harm. Of peace.
"The name's Xigbar," the man spoke, slowly and clearly, as he entered the cell now. His lone, golden eye narrowed, glinting at her, as his expression shifting somehow into something...strange. He stopped, and then he reached an arm out to her, and turned his palm up at her, as if offering her something. "I'm the same as you..." he finished quietly - intensely.
Elrena inexplicably, suddenly felt something spark in her chest-
No. It was nothing. It was gone. Just a phantom feeling - just a memory. There was nothing anymore.
"What?" she said simply.
"What's your name?" the man responded.
"My...name...?" Elrena started.
"You don't have one?"
"No, of course I do, it's-!" Elrena froze. Her body relaxed again. "Elrena..."
The man stared at her for a moment. Then, he sighed, shaking his hand at her. "Come on, we don't have all day. Take it and let's go."
"Where?"
"Someplace not here," Xigbar- Luxu, explained. "A place...to belong."
Elrena felt something again - some spark - some tiny, miniscule-
She raised her hand, and placed it in his.
Darkness suddenly burst into existence behind Luxu - and the dark witch came striding out of it, with her staff in hand. "Taking the useless husk, then?" spoke Maleficent. "What in the world could you possibly want her for?"
Luxu turned around slowly, as if unconcerned. "Did you do this to her?" he spoke quietly.
"I did nothing," Maleficent said airily. "The girl simply refused my generous offer one too many times. Again and again...the darkness growing in her own Heart...until it finally consumed her. What has happened to her, she did to herself alone. She is a spiteful and stubborn one; I never expected her to hold out as long as she did, for literal years in that cell...But I suppose it was her wish to waste herself away."
Luxu's grasp on Elrena's hand tightened - a small growl escaped from his throat - but then he just whisked her away through a cloak of darkness.
They reappeared beyond the castle's walls - across the long, stone bridge, on the edge of the forest of thorns.
Elrena felt another, imperceptible spark in her core, and she tore her hand free of Luxu. Her arm fell to her side, and she gazed past him in silence.
"So...Elrena, was it? What the hell happened back there?" Luxu said casually.
Elrena blinked. Her fingers...curled briefly at her side before letting go again. "I...couldn't..."
"What?"
"Something...inside me...couldn't give in to the darkness." Her voice grew louder, stronger, more certain with these words. Inexplicable... "I refused...again...and again...and again. No matter what she told me. No matter how much they wanted to hurt me."
Luxu looked to the sky, putting his hands on his hips. Refusing to look at her. "Yet here you are, existing as a Nobody..."
"A what?"
"It means you lost your Heart - to the darkness."
Elrena's face...sharpened. Her hand curled again - into a fist. She stepped forward. Then, she sighed, and her head fell. Hung. "I just...couldn't hold out any more. You understand? I was hurt, I was tired, I was...sick of all of it. I just wanted to go to sleep - but I woke up again. You understand me, right?" she asked again.
Luxu glanced at her face, now...and looked away again just as quickly. He raised a hand, gave it a little wave, strange and awkward.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "I do."
Elrena opened her eyes again, slowly lowering her hand. The Luxu of the present was still there, beside her - looking right at her... "Did you mean it, back then?" she whispered. "Did you mean it?"
Luxu nodded, his youthful face suddenly looking every bit as old and- terrible as he really was inside. "I meant it - even if I couldn't have told you, at the time, how much I really did. I understand, Elrena. More than anyone could ever understand. Because...I-"
Elrena looked down at her lap, joining her hands there together. "Because you're the same as me...?" she said quietly.
"Yes. I've- I've been...where you are right now, Elrena. And where you were back then. Too many times to count. So many times, across my lifetimes, I wanted nothing more than to lay down and just...never wake up again. I was tired, sick and tired. Tired of being on my feet, tired of moving forward, tired of searching, tired of doing all the shit I thought I had to do - tired of feeling, and tired of thinking. It never happened, obviously, but a few times...I let myself get close to it. I'd spent days just - laying around, doing absolutely nothing. And even then, it was exhausting."
Elrena nodded into her lap. She drew a breath. Let it go again. "So how'd you deal with it? How did you get past it - get over it? How-"
"You want the honest answer?"
"What am I, twelve?" Elrena muttered.
Luxu gave a soft laugh. "Right - sorry. Used to dealing with Namine and Roxas these days - and people who still act like kids. Uh, look, truth is: I never did. I still haven't. Some days, you know, sitting around here, it hits me and it's...just as strong as it was back then."
"So it's hopeless? So I should just-"
"No! No, it's not. I never knew what I needed, until I met Namine. Having her, these days, and everything she brings into my life and Heart...that's what keeps it away."
"What are you even saying?" Elrena gritted. "That I should - what - find some annoying little shit of my own to get stuck to my ass all the time?"
"Actually - something like that, yeah."
"Fuck no!" Elrena exclaimed, her head shooting up again. "Not in a million-"
"You already do, don't you? You already have."
"What?"
"How did you even get your Heart back in the first place? How did you get your memories back? How did you start to grow, and change as a person - even as a Nobody?" Luxu spoke patiently. "Namine. The answer is Namine. Or, more generally, it's bonds - connections between Hearts. Being around other people - having them drag you out of your funk, even when you'd rather sit around and waste away - that's what helps. And it helps even when you don't even know it, even when you'd think it was the worst thing in the entire World. And you and me, we already have proof of that: the fact that we're here at all, right now, like this."
Elrena shook her head, though in refutation of what, she couldn't even figure out. She just... "I'm just tired...a-and scared..."
Huh? Where had that last part come from...?
"I know," Luxu whispered. "Me too, you know. Living is tiring - and it's terrifying - right? If you don't do anything, you've got nothing to lose. But that's no way to live...and you have to see that, Elrena. You've got to be- stronger, braver. Take a risk, let it pay off. And hang onto it. Covet it, protect it. And, yeah, accept the idea that you might lose it someday...but that doesn't mean you can't find it again. No matter how long it takes, or how hard it seems. You just...you try."
"Everyone wants that out of me..." Elrena murmured.
"Then maybe you should listen to everyone," Luxu replied easily. "Maybe everyone else is onto something. Trust me, I know...I know...but it's true. There is something to this whole business. Something worth it. Really worth it. But it takes guts, and it takes trust."
"W-what if I'm not ready?"
"Then you're not ready. You don't have to be. Not yet. Wait until you are. But...I think you are."
"Why's that?"
"Well, for one, because, like I said: Namine's already proven that, in your case. And so has Lauriam. And for another...you're doing it right now, Elrena - and it's not too hard, is it? If you haven't even realized...?"
Elrena startled, her joined hands burrowing between her thighs. "I- t-this isn't- we're not- I mean, it's just-"
Luxu gave a small grin, leaning back from her. "You see? If you just let yourself open up, for one goddamn second...it's not nearly as scary as you think, is it?"
"It is scary - every time - it's the scariest thing in the world!" Elrena blurted out. She gasped at herself, raising her hands to cover her mouth. She turned away and smacked her face down onto the arm of the couch. Repeatedly.
"Yeah, it is," Luxu's voice came from behind her. "You think it's still not tough for me, as well? Every time Namine pushes me to be the same way for her? It's still scary. A million years of keeping my Heart closed off, and now I need to open it up again for her. For both of them. But I do it. i try my best to do it. And I've realized lately...that it's the best thing in the world. How can it not be? It's healthy, it's natural, it's...it's what Hearts are meant to do."
Elrena heaved another sigh, sitting upright again, and turning back to face Luxu. She lowered her hands sharply to her lap again. "You really think it's- all worth it? Worth anything?"
Luxu held her gaze for a moment, intense and...and glinting. "I guess that's for you to decide, isn't it? You could try, take baby steps, work at it, little by little - like me - or...you could pull a Xehanort, and just...cut yourself off from everything and everyone around you, for the rest of your life. Live that life as a...cold, uncaring shell of a being. Practically a Nobody in human form. No warmth, no light, no love. No one to stand by you. No one to support you. No one who would even give half a shit...if you were to vanish from this World. But I think you already know the answer. The question is...when are you going to put it into practice? That's for you to decide, too. And there's no rush, you know: you can take your time with it."
"I..."
"We've got a spare room upstairs - you could stay a while," Luxu spoke on, casually. "However long or short you like. I can tell Namine and Roxas not to disturb you. And I won't disturb you much, either. You can take the time to think about things, figure out what you want to do. No pressure, no time limit. No expectations. Just..."
"What?"
"Just don't fade away on us. That's all."
"Are you being serious...?" Elrena said, gazing at him intently.
"Don't I look serious?"
"And- that's it? Really?"
"Yep."
"Really? Because- I'm not going to become some full-time, live-in maid or whatever! Or - god forbid - a nanny to the two little-"
"I'd never expect you to. I'm not enslaving you, for god's sake, Elrena! I'm letting you stay as a guest! There are zero strings attached, alright?"
"Zero?" Elrena raised her eyebrows now. "Absolutely nothing? Zilch, nadda?"
"I'm glad you know all the various synonyms for 'nothing.'"
"Fuck you!" Elrena snapped on reflex.
"Right back at you."
"I'll be up in my new room, then," Elrena stated, getting to her feet and striding off for the hallway. "Does the door lock? I'm not having Namine bust in on me in my sleep again - never again!"
"It does - feel free to use it. But I am serious about the fact that I'll tell them not to bother you - if that's what you want."
"Why wouldn't it be what I want?" Elrena called back to him, as she started up the stairs now.
"It's the last door on the right, by the way!" he called back to her from downstairs.
Elrena shook her head as she came onto the second floor landing. She strode down the hall - passing three doors, and stopping at the fourth. She turned the handle and pushed it open. It was a surprisingly...large room, actually. And it was fully decked out - dresser, bed, full length mirror, curtains on the window, and an open closet door.
"What do you think?"
Elrena whirled around, raising a fist-
"What the hell?" she snapped at Luxu. "Warn someone next time! Creeper!"
"Sorry - old habits," Luxu said instantly, his face going red. He stepped back, holding up his hands to her. "So - what do you think of it?"
"I'm not complimenting you, so stop fishing for it," Elrena retorted.
"Funny. I'm serious - and I'm just asking," Luxu said calmly.
"Have you used this room before?" Elrena asked instead. "I don't want to be sleeping on someone's dirty mattress."
"You'll be the first to get any use out of it," Luxu replied. "I've kept it cleaned up - just in case."
"Okay...then who were you expecting to be a guest over here?"
Luxu shrugged. "Lauriam? Strelitzia? Skuld, maybe? I've got a feeling I'll be seeing a lot more of that second one in the near future, regardless, though..."
"So me being here would be a...problem?" Elrena said hesitantly, looking away, her face heating up.
"No," Luxu said firmly. "No problem at all. Strelitzia would probably be fine just bunking with Namine. In fact, they'd probably prefer it..." he muttered. "Teenage girl things, you know?"
"Like I'd know," Elrena glared. "It's the funniest thing, you know, I seem to remember my teenage years being spent fighting dark monsters and living in a parentless city headed by four absolute fanatical psychopaths!"
Luxu winced, but nodded. "Fair - I'm sorry."
"Whatever..." Elrena murmured. She strode into the room, crossing the threshold. Then she turned back, gazing at Luxu. "I'd like to be left alone for the day - 'kay?"
"Okay."
Elrena shut the door in his face and twisted the lock.
She wandered over to the bed and sat down on it, letting a breath go free. She gave a small smile to herself alone as she touched the bedding. It wasn't bad, was it? It was...nice, actually. She pulled her legs up and laid down on the bed properly, pressing her face into the pillows. She shut her eyes...
And let herself drift off into sleep almost instantly again.