Saving the Future
Chapter 20: Severus and Remus
Severus was rather… stressed was putting it lightly. He was hiding out in the Astronomy Tower, sitting on the cool stone floor, his back against one of the thin stretches of wall, and his knees pulled to his chest. He was trying not to think. Not to feel.
He was trying to breathe.
The past few months had been too much. Two of his new friends were severely injured. And although they were on the mend, and actually back in classes now, they were still having difficulties which he had no clue how to help them with. His mum died. He had chosen not to go and see her. Part of him hated himself for that decision, and yet he just couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle the thought of going back there, to see him, or to see her. He loved her, but perhaps it was more of an obligatory kind of love than anything. He loved her because she was his mum, and he felt like he had to.
Some sick part of him also loved his father, because he was his father and he felt obliged to. He hated that part of himself, too.
She wasn't a completely terrible mother, he knew there were worse out there. But, at the same time, he hated that she had allowed herself and him to be hurt in the ways they were. That she didn't get them out of there. That she didn't get him out of there. Because she was in love, somehow. It didn't make sense to him. How could you be in love with someone who hurt you and your child in the way that his father had hurt them? He had tried so many times to get her to see sense. To tell her that there were homes where women and children could go to escape abuse. And yet she never listened. She didn't care enough to get him out of there. Away from him. And he resented her for it.
He hated that part of himself, too.
He had been adopted. Which was still a very surreal thing to think about. He had two parents who actually cared. He had a big sister and a little brother soon to arrive. And he loved them all. They were amazing.
And yet Severus was having a hard time with it. He didn't know how to be a son to parents who cared. His life before now was all about trying to survive. Hiding away, or being as quiet as possible. Trying desperately not to anger his parents. But now he could be himself. He could… if he knew who himself was. He hadn't really had the time between everything else to figure himself out. Not really. He knew he wanted to be a potion's master, but what else was there?
He also didn't know how to be a brother. He didn't have siblings, which he was immensely grateful for as he wouldn't want them to be hurt also.
How do you be part of a family that loves each other? How do you do it? How?
He didn't know his place. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he wanted or needed, no matter how much they asked him. He didn't know anything.
And, to top it all off, their OWLs were beginning tomorrow.
He honestly didn't know how to cope with it all.
He heard footsteps coming towards him and he looked up to find Remus smiling worriedly as he sat down cross-legged in front of him.
"Are you alright, Sev?" Remus asked gently, "You've been… withdrawing a bit lately and we are all worried about you. I… You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right?" Remus placed his hand gently on Severus' knee and rubbed it gently with his thumb. Warmth spread through Severus at the touch, "Am I moving things between us too fast? Am I-"
"No, Remus. You have been amazing. I love every second I spend with you. I just… I'm just a bit overwhelmed," Severus said, looking down at the pale hand on his knee so he didn't have to look into the other boy's concerned eyes.
"Sev," Remus placed his hand gently on Severus' cheek and lifted his head so they were looking at each other, "Please talk to me. Tell me what's going on, love, I just want to help you,"
"You are helping me. You have been since we started dating. Things have just been a bit too much as of late," Severus said quietly, leaning into Remus' touch, "OWLs, and such, you know," he shrugged.
"It is a lot more than just our OWLs, Sev," Remus breathed.
"I just… What do you want me to say?" Severus said.
"I want you to tell me what you want to tell me. But I also just want to know what is bothering you so that I can help as much as I can. I love you, Sev. I care about you. And you're hurting. I just want to help you feel better, in any way I can,"
"I don't know how to talk about my feelings," Severus whispered, "I don't know how to describe them. How to talk. Anything. I don't know,"
"Rant. Rage. Scream. Anything. Just let it all out. The words don't matter. Just let go," Remus said.
"I… Things changed so quickly that it is difficult to keep up. Your friends are no longer bullying me and it is hard to adjust to being friends with them myself. Things in Slytherin are rather tense. They always have been but since Reg and I started hanging out with you lot openly and getting more vocal about not joining the Dark Lord things are getting worse. OWLs are stressing me the fuck out and they haven't even started yet,
"My mum died. And I hate myself for not going to see her. I hate myself for resenting her throughout my childhood. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to be near him. Near her. I couldn't. And I hate myself. I hate myself for only loving her through obligation rather than actually just loving her. But she let me be hurt by him, even when there were options for us. And I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to change. I was adopted by amazing people, I have a sister, and a brother on the way. They all love me, care about me. And I love them. But I don't know how to be a son in a proper family. I don't know how to be a brother at all. I don't know anything. What do they expect of me? What do I have to do? I don't know anything about families, or life. Not even about myself. I haven't had the time to figure myself out. All I know is that I want to be a potion's master. And that information is rather useless if I don't pass my exams,
"But I can't… I can't keep up. Everything is so different now. Changing so quickly. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what is going on really. We are fighting a war. My new father and members of the Order are planning to go to Malfoy Manor to get another Horcrux. And I am worried that things are going to go wrong. That I am going to mess up. That they are going to hate me at some point. I just don't… I don't know what I'm doing, Remus. And I'm scared of everything, and everyone, and I don't know how to not be. I just… I just want to fast forward a few years or something, where the war is hopefully over and things are settled, because I can't do this. I can't… I don't know who I am. I don't know anything. And everything hurts. All the bloody time. I'm just a bit of a mess, really,"
Severus is breathing heavily by the time he finishes speaking. Tears leaking out of his dark eyes as Remus wipes them away with the pads of his thumbs.
"It's okay to not be okay, Sev. It's okay to be scared. Things are changing a lot at the moment. And there is a war going on, and OWLs. Things are stressful, it is okay. But know that you aren't alone anymore, Sev. You have so many people around you who love and care for you. And we all want to help you in any way we can. With anything and everything that is bothering you," Remus said as he gently pulled Severus into his arms, holding him close as Severus straddled his legs. Severus' legs curling around Remus' waist, his arms around Remus' neck, so he could move closer into the warmth and comfort his boyfriend provided.
"I don't know who I am, Remus. I don't know anything," Severus said, lips trembling slightly.
"That's okay. We can help you to figure everything out, Sev. I will be here, helping you with whatever you need, I promise. Just… please don't shut yourself away from us. We care about you, we want to help. I want to help you, love. And I can't do that if you don't talk to me," Remus said, rubbing Severus' lower back gently.
"I love you, Remus," Severus whispered.
"I love you, too, Severus," Remus said softly.
Severus pulled back slightly, his hand resting on Remus' cheek as Remus smiled at him lovingly. Severus' lips twitched upwards slightly at the sides and he leaned in, slowly, letting their lips fit together and move in perfect harmony with each other, their tongues soon battling for dominance, even as things remained sweetly passionate.
Severus pulled away with a slight blush lining his cheeks, resting his forehead against Remus' as his fingers remained threaded through the light brown hair.
"Make love to me, Remus," Severus whispered nervously, causing Remus' eyes to widen slightly in shock and awe.
"Sev, are you sure?" Remus said breathily.
"Yes," Severus said, "I… I want to stop thinking about everything else for a while. But I also… I have wanted to ask you to for a little while now, I just haven't had the chance, or whatever. But we are alone now. And I want to, I really do. I want to be with you fully, Remus,"
"And… And you know that contraceptives don't always work with werewolves, right? Especially close to the full moon," Remus said nervously.
"Contraceptives don't always work for everyone, not just for werewolves," Severus chuckled slightly, a smile lining his face, "But we are six days away from the full moon, I think we should be fine. And if not, then, I don't know. I think I might be okay with that, if you are. I… I want to have sex with you, Remus, no matter what happens. So long as you want to have sex with me,"
"Of course I want to make love to you, Sev. I was just waiting for you to be ready. I didn't want to pressure you or anything," Remus said.
"Well, I am ready," Severus said.
"Okay, if you are sure," Severus nodded, "Now?"
"Yes, please," Severus breathed.
"Okay. Merlin, I love you,"
"I love you, too. Always,"
"Always," Remus said, smiling brightly, "But we are not having our first time be on the floor of the Astronomy Tower. I want you to be comfortable. And I want it to be a good memory. So, would you like to come with me to the Room of Requirement?"
"Yes,"
…
They were standing in the Room of Requirement, basking in the warm glow of the candles that lit the room, and in the warmth, love, and awe emanating from each other. Remus closed the space between them and kissed Severus with a kind of passion that Severus had never felt before, but he knew he wanted to feel it again, as many times as he could get it. Warmth spread through him as he wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, butterflies filling his belly as Remus slowly, carefully lowered him onto the large, soft bed, crawling on top of him as Severus' legs went around his waist.
"Are you sure, Sev?" Remus said, breathing deeply as he pulled away enough to rest his forehead on Severus.
"Yes," Severus said, his breathing just as deep as he looked up into the awe-filled amber eyes, "Make love to me, Remus, please," he whispered huskily, gulping slightly in wonder as Remus' eyes darkened with lust and love.
It was pure bliss as Severus surrendered to the pleasure of kisses and touches that he had thought once, and many other times, he would never experience. Because who would ever want him?
He basked in the feelings of love and care as Remus tenderly kissed each and every one of his scars. He moaned and hissed in pleasure as Remus took care of him with fingers, tongues, and his rather large penis that hit all the right spots. Not forgetting the necessary contraceptive spells first, though. Their magic sparking and emitting warmth, and love, and light through the room.
And then he basked in warmth and love as they lay tangled together, Severus' head resting on Remus' broad chest, listening to his comforting heartbeat. Their magic calmed slowly, but Severus didn't think he had ever felt so powerful. So sure of anything.
"How are you feeling, love?" Remus asked, concerned as he rubbed Severus' waist gently with soft fingers.
"Amazing," Severus beamed, placing a gentle kiss on Remus' chest.
"Good. I do, too. But I was actually referring to your overwhelm, and-"
"I'll be fine, Remus. I just need soem time, I think, to figure things out. And to settle into everything. Also to get through our OWLs," Severus whispered, pain clenching his heart slightly.
"I'll be here for you through it all, Sev. I promise. Always. Just, please try and talk to me, or anyone else when you are feeling like that. We care and we don't like it when you are hurting. And you have no reason to hate yourself over your mum either. You love her, and I'm sure she loved you as much as she could. But she also didn't protect you when she should and could have. And it is okay to feel hurt because of it. It is okay,"
Severus swallowed thickly, "Please, can we not talk about this right now," he whispered.
"Okay, but… know that I am here for you, Sev. Whenever you're ready,"
"I know," Severus said.
"Things will be okay in the end, you'll see," Remus breathed, trying to remain positive.
"We can only hope," Severus said, a slight tremble in his voice as he snuggled in closer to the boy at his side, "I love you,"
"I love you, too,"
And Severus tried to bask in that, he really did. But his thoughts were slowly creeping back in and it was rather difficult to focus on anything else.
Even the steady heartbeat beneath his ear.
Hiya, how are you all?
I hope you enjoyed the chapter, sorry it took me so long to get it out, life has been very crappy and I am not doing very well physically or mentally at the moment. But I am surviving, I suppose, so that is all that matters. This is a little pre-warning that in the upcoming chapters of this story things are going to get a tad intense. I won't spoil it for you, but feel free to have a guess at what you think is going to happen in the comments.
Anywho, I posted an essay/petition where I (un)officially explain why I think I should be cast as my favourite character, Severus Snape, in the new HBO series, despite the fact that I am a woman. It would mean a lot if you went and read it, but no pressure. It isn't going to lead to anything, unless, by some miracle, it goes viral, but it was fun to write. It is on my AO3, Maraudering_Paige. Feel free to go and check it out.
Also, I am working on some Spotify playlists for my fanfics, so if you can think of any songs you think work with the stories as they are so far, or where you think they are going, or songs that give you the vibes you get from the stories, then please do let me know and I will give them a listen, then potentially add them to the playlists. If you would like to go and give them a listen as they are now then you can find me on Spotify under the name Maraudering_Paige. They aren't that long at the moment, but we are making progress and I will continue adding to them the more music I listen to and when I have the time to do so. But still, if you can think of any relevant songs then do let me know.
I have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you are all welcome to join if you would like to and are able to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes and more. It is also where I have somewhat of an update schedule for my fics and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, in regards to fanfics, original works, and more things. So if you are interested in joining then I am more than happy to accept you all.
I also now have a TikTok and an Instagram for my fanfic writing escapades. The username is maraudering_paige on both of them so feel free to follow me, and we shall see how often and what kinds of content I can post when I can. But it is another way for me to keep you all up to date if you don't have Facebook and such, and for me to spread the word about other things I am working on and things I want to do and such. So yeah, feel free to join me on those if you are able.
And finally, if you like poems, then I write them and I have started a where you can read 1 or more poems every month depending on how many I have the time to post. You also get access to information about my original books I am working on before anyone else. And you get your name listed in the acknowledgements section of any book I publish whilst you are a Patron. For £2.22 a month. If you would like to join me over there and read some rants I call poems, and get updates on original work, then you may. My username over there is Paige_Makepeace. No pressure, by the way, you certainly do not have to if you can't or don't want to. I understand. I just thought it would be a cool thing to try. Any money made from this will go towards helping me write and publish the original novels I am working on. Including the one I am hoping to publish first which is a slow-burn, witchy, bisexual/lesbian enemies to lovers book. You will also be able to read the first draft of the first chapter of my book, so, if you are interested in doing that then feel free to go and subscribe if you want to.
If there are any other platforms you think I should join you all on then let me know and I will have a think.
I hope you are having an amazing day!
Kind regards,
Paige xx