Author: Lauren.

Rating: Rated M.

Character/Pairing: Blair Waldorf, Nate Archibald, Dan Humphrey, Serena Van der Woodsen, Dan/Blair, Nate/Blair.

Summary: Sometimes Blair feels like she's always in between. Nate/Blair, Dan/Blair.

Disclaimer: GG isn't mine. Especially not it's shitty ass more recent seasons. Although I do wish I owned the books.

Author's Note: Well this is wild isn't it? Updating after two years, who woulda thunk it. Something drew me back to this and I don't really understand it myself. Your reviews have always kept me going, not that I expect anyone to still be reading this. But if you are, I hope you enjoy. Lots of love from me, in 2023.

Divorce isn't a concept that Blair even thought she would be wrestling with at twenty-two but oh, how life changes.

The day after her night out with Serena she'd awaken with a roaring hangover but strangely, clarity. Lying in bed drinking a green smoothie (Dorota's suggestion but it actually worked) she'd found herself doing plenty of thinking. Without Nate, her life felt in shadow. But that was because she'd created her adulthood around him, around their marriage. Without him, who even was she? As a teenager she'd had such a strong sense of self but after becoming a wife and losing a baby and then having Fitz, she felt like dregs of bath water, slowly swirling down the drain.

Serena's admission about Dan had shaken her. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the first person she'd wanted to tell when she'd made her decision about Nate had been him. She also didn't want to admit that part of her had hoped he would be overjoyed.

But now that seemed a girlish dream. Of course he had moved on, she hadn't expected him to wait, had she? She was a married woman who'd made her own choice.

The next day, a sunny Monday no less, she threw herself into trying to be a new Blair. She organised resuming her weekly tennis lessons with her coach. She booked to get her hair cut, she needed a change. And most importantly, she finally responded to an email that had lain dormant in her inbox since Fitz's arrival. Her Mother had been asking her for years to 'join the family business' and help her to expand Eleanor Waldorf Designs. Now, it felt like she was finally ready.

"I just don't like it," she sighed, running a hand through the crown of her newly cropped, freshly highlighted bob. It felt freeing to swish her new look down Fifth and she'd always liked showing off her shoulders. "It feels like… it's already been done."

She was in design meetings for her first collection and, in all honesty, it had been a train wreck. The fabrics were wrong, the shapes were wrong, the vision was all wrong. Eleanor had called her full of the joys, telling her she'd simply love what the team had pulled together. And how wrong she'd been. Now, as she watched two girls from the design team bicker in vicious sounding Italian, she doodled mindlessly on her note pad. Although this project had seemed like a great idea in its inception, it had become all consuming.

"I'm just going to step outside for a minute," she said into the air because no one was listening anyway. Hidden under the green awning outside, her phone began to buzz just as she lit her cigarette.

"Good afternoon," it was Dan "How are you on this fine day?"

His voice sounded chipper but she couldn't match it. Not when Serena's words kept beating in her head. "Good. Tired. Fitz is teething so everything sort of feels like Hell right now. How are you?"

"Ah I see," he paused "Do you wanna get some dinner later and bitch about it?"

She couldn't help the smile that crept into her mouth like a spill "I'm not coming to Brooklyn."

He's laughing and she forgot how much she loved that sound "Ah, that old chestnut. For you Blair Waldorf I will vacate my beloved borough."

"Seven?"

"Seven."

She'd barely had time to shower and change before hustling herself into a cab and now, sat in a dimly lit sushi restaurant of her own choosing, she could see how this was a mistake.

She wasn't ready to confront all of this, to tell Dan about the divorce and what Serena had said and to finally, finally, have a conversation they should have had years ago. Taking a generous sip of her Pinot, she swirled her foot inside her Louboutin Mary Janes. Lately she'd been spending her feelings.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," his apologies come out slightly frantic as he's shaking rain from his jacket, sliding his umbrella under the table and taking a seat opposite her "Try not to hold my lateness against me for the whole dinner."

She bites her tongue because it would be very easy for her to spit something acidic at him right now. Something along the lines of, I left my baby at home for you to be fifteen minutes late! She chooses to stay quiet instead.

"I already ordered," she runs a finger down the stem of her wine glass "All of the things you don't like, obviously."

He begins pouring for himself "Classic Blair behaviour, I would expect nothing less."

A comfortable silence settles for a few minutes while they sip. He breaks it. "How are things at home?"

Awful. I can't sleep in my own bed because it feels like everything is aching. My son misses his Dad. "I saw Serena the other day," another mouthful of wine "She said you two have been hanging out a lot."

A frown crinkled across his forehead "I mean, I guess. We've seen each other a handful of times."

She really didn't want to delve, but she was also Blair. "She said you two… had a sleepover."

His eyes widened, apparently he needed another sip of wine too "We did." He said slowly "But I think we both knew it was a mistake."

"Really? She seemed pretty pleased when she told me."

The frown deepens "It wasn't really her place to tell you at all."

"She's my best friend, why wouldn't she?"

He looks furious but she can't who it's supposed to be directed at "Let's not play this game, you know why." His voice is soft but she can feel the bubbling anger "She was probably try to wind you up."

"Well she succeeded," Blair admitted, surprising even herself "She was gloating about it. So I drank enough to sink a barge and threw myself into Oblivion with two hands."

He swallowed slowly as if he were quite literally digesting her words "You were upset," it isn't a question so she doesn't interject "That I slept with Serena."

The silence afterwards is killing her. "I almost took the Subway the other day," she starts desperately trying to change the subject "I got halfway down the stairs and then I just couldn't-"

"Are you really trying to tell me about the perils of public transport right now?"

"You fucked Serena, I'm trying to make it so it isn't a big deal between us."

"Is that possible?"

"I don't know, but I'm trying just the same."

He rolls his eyes, scrubs a hand at the back of his neck, takes another mouthful of wine.

"Why do we always do this?" he shakes his head "It's been years and we're still doing this."

"Because circles never end, I guess," she suddenly has the feeling that she's ruined this by being so honest. High school Blair would never have put her cards on the table like this.

And then, Dan being Dan, he fixes it.

"Hey, you wanna get another bottle?"