Chapter Thirty-One

Bright, cheerful sunshine rained down on the cityscape visible through the two-story windows of Kenshin's high-rise apartment. Not one cloud marred the beautiful blue of the distant sky, and the summer temperatures were perfect for his fire demon nature. Life bustled along outside with all the vibrancy of a densely populated metropolis, and a bird had even perched itself on his balcony railing to chirp and rest.

The inside of the apartment felt like a much different world than the outside. There was an emptiness about it, and the once comfortable space felt vacant and lonely. Though well-lit by the natural light from the windows, a darkness lingered in the air and corners. Not even a single speck of dust floated through the spears of sunshine, and the floors and countertops had been excessively scrubbed. Despite the unnatural cleanliness within, a stale, locked in smell lingered as layers upon layers of fumes from cleaners and soap fought one another for dominance. By the wall, the TV played quietly to feign occupation, but its drone of noise did not dispel the deathly silence that hung over the living space.

Even the fire demon appeared more like an out-of-place ornament propped against the short wall next to the loft stairs. Unbound, crimson hair glowed and flickered in time with his slow, even breathing, and the surface of each individual strand glinted like polished rubies. It had grown longer since his training with Hiko, and now nearly brushed the wooden floor when he was seated. Clean and ironed clothes fit perfectly on his still figure, giving the illusion he was a statue or doll. However, the cloth was no longer soft, and worn threads balled together on the fabric from over-washing. His skin, as well, had been stripped by compulsive purification, and small cracks webbed the vision of his human-like form with hints of red and smoldering flames.

Only his eyes spoke of neglect. Dark circles stained the skin around their violet depths, creating a gaunt expression that was highlighted by the flush of his radiant bangs. He had not slept, or rather, had been unable to. Fear kept his lashes from falling and his nerves strung taught. Now, however, he had nothing left to distract him, and exhaustion mixed with his over-active string of thoughts.

The day before, Tae-san had sent him home from work. In a clipped and business-like tone, she had informed him that she had no need for a cook who could not concentrate. Afterwards, she had kindly offered him a couple of days to work through whatever was going on. If he wanted to keep his job, he knew he needed to get himself straightened out. The problem was, something inside of him was quite literally lost.

In the span of seconds, the wonderful path his life had been progressing along had split. Not in two, or even three. The crack had been audible, tangible, and terrifying. Walls, like thick obsidian blocks, had shot up from underneath, rising high into the sky to disappear into the clouds. They formed an intricate labyrinth, not before him, but around him, effectively removing his ability to orient himself. The walls had cut him off from everything and everyone, and the frightened child inside of him had covered his head and cowered. No matter which way he went, he was going to have to face something undesirable, something ghastly, or something contrary to the beliefs he had held onto for so long.

Over and over again, he saw those eyes; such hurt, blue eyes. They shamed him, and filled him with such hatred and fear. Everything had happened so fast. The emotions from that day had nearly torn him apart. So much so, he still wasn't even sure whether or not he had tried to kill her.

There's no other explanation. Why else would her charm appear to protect her?

Acceptance washed over his mind like a heavy cloud of humidity, and his head leaned back to brace against the wall behind him. Confusion followed close behind, and his eyes briefly clenched shut. A horrible tug of war fought for dominance within him, but he was much too conflicted to know what was right. Habit insisted that the Kaoru he had grown close to was a completely separate entity from the Kaoru he had newly learned was human. Human was a taboo word for him, an ugly word that meant hatred and fear. Kaoru wasn't ugly, though. Kaoru was comfort and laughter and…

Human.

A vile, intrusive voice blacked over the warm feeling Kaoru used to produce unobstructed. Desperation sucked in a shaky breath through his parted lips, and he struggled to sit up fully so that he could lean forward. Humans caused pain. Humans caused destruction. Humans spewed hatred and lies. He could feel it still. The razor-sharp blades cutting through his body, slicing apart his flesh. He could still see them. The indifference on their faces as he screamed and begged for them to stop. He could hear them. The laughter and excitement in their voices as they spoke of him like some lab-rat, as if he wasn't even there. Humans were cold, heartless beings.

Kaoru was warm and accepting.

You tried to kill her.

The air in his lungs seized.

Perhaps you're the cold, heartless being.

After all, Kaoru had no desire to kill anyone. Even if he believed she could lie, the muscle memory of her body could not. The non-killing technique she had been taught was so ingrained in her, she used it unconsciously. Beautifully.

A human technique.

As Hiko had said, demons did not generally agonize over how a weapon was meant to be used. For a while, he had tried to convince himself that Kaoru was merely the exception. 'Generally' did not mean 'always'. Someone, somewhere, obviously had agonized over it, and Kaoru had been taught by that demon. That's what he had tried to tell himself. Nevertheless, the moment Iizuka had confirmed Kaoru was actually a human, he had accepted it without argument, and Hiko's words had replayed in the back of his mind.

A human technique.

Human.

But that means some humans did agonize over how a weapon was meant to be used.

The very suggestion went against everything he knew about humans. Kaoru went against everything he knew about humans. Therein lay a problem his mind could not rectify. It was true, it was real… but his mind could not accept it. It shied away from the knowledge, and he knew why. Something terrible and dark within him knew exactly why.

Almost every human I've ever met… I've killed.

Humans are disgusting, vile, murderous, torturous, spiteful, backstabbing, selfish, cowardly, liars. They all deserve to die.

ALL of them?

The terrible thing inside of him trembled in fear.

This isn't about all of them.

A shaky breath filled his lungs as the simple, desperate realization created a calm space within the whirlwind of chaos, and allowed him to avoid the terrifying truth hiding in the depths of his memory.

This is about one of them.

One beautiful, rare human that was nothing like any human he had ever met before. A soul so pure she could look at him in wonder and awe. A simple soul captivated by the beauty in faux lights mimicking the starry sky. A happy soul with a spring in her step and a swing in her arms. A warm soul so willing to offer comfort and support, even while she herself was suffering. A searching soul with eyes of perfect combustion that stilled only upon finding him. He loved those eyes. He would follow them anywhere, with their irises so blue and tender.

But now they were eyes so full of hurt and confusion.

You tried to kill her.

Hatred fisted his hands into the hair closest to his scalp, and he pressed his forehead hard into the wooden floor as punishment.

You're worse than the humans! She trusted you, more than anyone in this world. She placed all of her faith in you. You promised to protect her. Yet, you betrayed her. You're disgusting. Vile. Murderous. Selfish. Traitorous. Cowardly.

You don't deserve her.

Demons tortured her. Demons took away what she loved. Demons removed parts of her body. And still… she looked at you and decided to trust. She looked at you and had faith. She held you tight and offered solace. She never judged you. She never hated you for what others did.

She, more than anyone else, knows and understands what it's like to be treated like nothing, to be treated like a tool. She, more than anyone else, could understand you. Could, perhaps, heal you.

Being with her is so effortless, and yet so exciting at the same time. There is no one else in this world I want to spend more time with than her. Why? Why must I realize this now that it's too late?

A breath so restrained, so harsh that it felt like it clawed its way from his throat, ripped from his body and locked his joints in place.

I love her so much.

The hands at his scalp threatened to tear his hair out by the roots, but since they were an extension of his true form, he could no more tear his arms from their sockets than rip his hair from his head. As a result, blood, hot and thick, dripped against the back of his ear and sizzled a hole into the floor.

Why did I try to kill her?!

Never in his life had he felt such hatred, not even for the human who had murdered his father. Never would he have imagined he could feel such rage towards himself. And fear. So much fear. Fear for what he almost did. Fear for what he might do. Fear… that she would never look at him again.

The smell of burnt wood shook him from his self-loathing, and he slapped a hand over the blood bubbling on the floor. The heat instantly pulled from the liquid, saving the wood from further damage. More blood dripped down the back of his neck, and he pushed himself up to stumble down the hall and into the bathroom. Standing before the sink, he blinked at his reflection in the mirror.

He felt filthy… disgusting… and for the twenty-seventh time that day, he covered his body in cleansing fire and seared himself raw until he was satisfied. The cracks in the façade hiding his demon markers became more pronounced, the blood on his scalp disappeared into tiny red flakes in the air, and his clothes burned up into nothing. An entirely new attire was fished from the laundry, and his thoughts wandered back through the same stretch of the labyrinth he had been lost in for three days.

The chime of his front door went ignored, and he continued to scrub the sink clean of any sign of blood. There was less this time, and the washcloth was hung carefully up to dry over the tub. Thick, rubber gloves were placed in the cabinet under the sink, and he wiped his hands fitfully on his pant legs, even though they had never once touched water. By this time, the chime had turned to insistent knocking.

His feet took him to the door without informing his brain, and he stared at the barrier without even wondering who could be on the other side of it. The knocking persisted, and was eventually accompanied by a voice full of reason that sounded nearly threatening instead of patient.

"Open the door, Himura-san, or I will call your landlord and have him open it for me."

Stepping down into the entrance, he twisted the door knob and cracked it open.

"What do you want, Tomoe-san?" He could see only a sliver of her through the opening, but she was as composed as she always was, without a hair out of place.

"Do not be rude, Himura-san. Invite me in."

Briefly his eyes closed, but he stepped back.

"Yes, Ma'am. Please, come in."

A pair of slippers were fished from the shoe closet, and he placed them carefully on the floor for her use. After she had exchanged her footwear, she followed him down the hall and into the main room of the apartment. Dark eyes studied the interior without missing anything.

"You've ruined the floor."

"I will replace it." His reply was defeated, and he refrained from meeting her gaze.

Tomoe sighed. "It smells awful in here. You'll hurt yourself breathing these chemical fumes." Marching to the balcony door, Tomoe propped it open to allow the outside breeze free reign to diffuse the interior stench. "You probably have a headache. This should help."

Kenshin hated that it did.

"Say what you came to say."

The coal demon's irises looked him up and down, but did not comment on his appearance. Instead, her eyes dropped to the bag she clutched between her hands.

"I think… I came to demand that you tell me what is going on. To make you tell me what happened and why you have abandoned her. I want to know what you are thinking."

She left the statement as it was, and let the silence stretch and turn awkward. Not because she believed he would answer her, but because she wanted to know how he would respond.

"Forgive me, Tomoe-san. Anything I have to say… I should say it to her."

A pained and slightly sad smile creased her features, and she was filled with pride.

"As you should." Tomoe swallowed, then turned her head to look out the wall of windows. "She asked Enishi today to explain to her… what a human is." Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Kenshin's expression scrunch in agony as he recognized what that meant. "She's also doing what she can to understand. If at all possible…" Finally, his eyes glanced at her reflexively due to the tears in her voice. "Don't take very much longer. She's breaking my heart."

"I'm…" His voice trailed off, and one hand came up to cover his face. "I'm scared, Tomoe-san."

"Himura-san… Kaoru may be human, but she would never hurt you."

"That's not what I'm afraid of." Between the spread of his fingers, his eyes glowed dark and meaningful.

"Oh." A slow breath pulled into her lungs.

"That protective charm you gave Kaoru is magnificent. Did you know, during these last three days, it has activated itself freely?"

Kenshin frowned, and every thought he had was wiped away by concern. "No. I haven't felt it activate once. What have you been doing to her?"

An amused grin threatened her expression as he instantly jumped into protective mode.

"Kaoru has been perfectly safe. She did… have another fit of chest pain." Tomoe decided it best not to tell him it had happened right after he left. "She was cold for a time, as well, like you mentioned she was at the restaurant before. Your salamander stayed with her until she was warm, and now sleeps with her at night. Sometimes, he will appear during the day to lay in her lap. He is very attentive and very gentle for such a powerful creature. Nothing else matters to him but Kaoru, and she has grown very attached to him as well. You did very well with its creation."

The frown on his face had not left. "That's not how it's supposed to work. If anything… I did something wrong."

He was really talking to her now, and she continued without missing a beat. "Megumi-sensei thought the same. She spent some time studying the runes you placed on it, and she was quite impressed. I was as well. Apparently, it is unlike any protective charm she has ever seen. However you did it, you gave it the freewill to care for Kaoru in whatever way it wishes."

"It's only a piece of my hair. How could I give it freewill?"

"Then… maybe it is only caring for her the way you would wish." Violet eyes were stunned by the suggestion, and his mouth opened as if to argue. "After all, it is only a piece of you." His mouth closed, and her chin lifted. "If you're concerned, you should take a look at it. Which reminds me, I need to run an errand in the afternoon tomorrow with Enishi. Kaoru will be alone at the lab during that time."

For a moment, he appeared uncomfortable, and his head ducked toward the floor. Then he nodded, slowly.

"Before I forget, I really only came to deliver this." The bag in her hands was opened, and from its depths she withdrew a box carefully wrapped in layers of matte blue paper. Intricate ribbons of white, teal green, and shimmering sapphire had been curled into spirals and bows on the top, and they crisscrossed patterns around the back and sides in gently harmony. One corner had been dented in, and a sad, broken seashell sat glued at the center of the ribbons. "It was meant for you, as a housewarming gift."

Kenshin recognized the box immediately, and his hands shook when he accepted it. From within, what sounded like broken glass or ceramic clattered together, and his heart sank.

"She has such a creative mind. It was quite beautiful. Perhaps I'm too soft, but I just couldn't bring myself to throw it away. Broken things are still valuable. More so, if you put work into making them whole once more."

Folding up the bag, Tomoe tucked it into her purse.

"I'll be going now. Goodbye, Himura-san."

The apartment was quiet in the aftermath of his visitor, but he stood without moving within the cross-path of the breeze flowing in from the balcony. Gently, the ribbons fluttered, and he imagined the joy on Kaoru's face as she had put them into place. Then saw, in perfect clarity, the distress marring her features when he had slapped it from her hands.

Because he could not bring himself to tear the paper or snap the ribbon, he took too much time unwrapping the gift from its outer covering. The broken seashell was placed gently on the stand next to the TV, and the paper and ribbon he carefully folded for later storage. Inside the box, the gift had been tucked into soft, colored tissue, but they had offered minimal protection from its violent tumble across the floor.

A heavy metal ring sat atop the internal spokes of a strange cylindrical object. It took a few seconds of study, but he finally recognized the large nautilus shell Kaoru had fished from the ocean and nearly drowned for. Instead of leaving it with the outer shell intact, Kaoru had cut the outer shell away to reveal the internal spines. It was approximately the width of his palm, and the circumference of a wide mouth bowl. A coat of lacquer had been applied to its entire surface, and its colors were glossy and pearlescent as a result. The spines spiraled, instead of spearing straight out from the center to the outer portion, and flowed like waves in the ocean.

Upon lifting the metal ring, he found it had been attached to the nautilus shell by five pieces of heavy-duty string. Unfortunately, a chunk had broken and hung sadly at an awkward angle as it came fully out of the box. Beneath the nautilus shell base, multiple strings had been attached and draped in long straight lines that were coiled into the bottom. At intervals, smaller shells like conch, cockle, scallops, limpet, and turritella appeared, and were carefully spaced along each string so that they would touch one another at only the very top and very bottom. Once fully freed, the windchime was quite long, and the shells created a pleasant spiral all the way down to the very last one at the tip of the longest string. Gentle tinkling sang with the motion of the wind, and the apartment no longer felt quite as empty with the soothing song.

On the same side as the broken nautilus piece, several of the smaller shells had cracked or broken. Their remnants clung to the strings, or were missing altogether, and a glance revealed them piled into the box like sad reminders of something that used to be perfect.

"Broken things are still valuable. More so, if you put work into making them whole once more."

Without a moment of debate, Kenshin stood to retrieve a towel from the bathroom. If anything, his mind seemed grateful to have something to focus on. With the towel spread out on the wooden floor, the windchime was carefully rested on its soft surface, and the door to the balcony was closed. His thoughts turned quickly to the kind of glue he might need to fit the pieces back together, and a trip to the craft store was made with haste.

It was a long arduous process that took all night and most of the next morning. Between sorting out the broken pieces, fitting them back into their rightful places, and trying not to glue them to his hands, he had little to no time to think of anything but the end result. When the first rays of sunshine glinted back through his windows, his eyes burned from lack of sleep and trying to concentrate on such tiny objects. As the last glue dried and set, he blinked at the clock in total exhaustion. His eyelids were leaden.

It was almost ten in the morning. He had some time to rest his eyes a little.

X

Tomoe slipped her arm through Enishi's and promised him for the third time that Kaoru was going to be fine. They wouldn't be gone but for an hour. Enishi knew Kenshin might stop by, but the knowledge had agitated him instead of reassured. Though her brief meeting with Kenshin the day before had relieved her, she knew there was still a possibility that Kenshin might not be able to handle the situation. If that happened and Kenshin really gave up, then she had already decided that she would encourage Enishi into being there for Kaoru. While it might not progress into any kind of romantic relationship, Kaoru would need the support, and Enishi cared for her enough to be there.

From the other side of the concrete steps, Iizuka watched the siblings leave, and made sure to keep his presence inconspicuous. He had overheard them the day before, talking about when and how long they would be gone. After spending enough time in their presence, he already knew that Enishi and Kaoru sparred in the afternoon. Since Enishi looked sweaty from a workout, he could only assume Kaoru would be bathing. It was the perfect situation to carry out the request he had been given. After all, Kaoru did not bathe with her little hair charm for fear of drowning or damaging it with water.

He had the perfect way to dispose of it first before he turned his attention to sweeter meat.

X

A/N: I think I rewrote the first page of this chapter three times, lol. What upsets me, is I liked every draft! I just couldn't use them because I realized it just didn't fit Kenshin's character in this story. Since I already hinted at him being a compulsive cleaner, it didn't make sense for him to let everything go and live in filth. Ah well, it turned out so well, but I had to delete it anyway. ToT I like this draft, too, of course. Having him over clean as a result of his anxiety and depression can be just as destructive as not cleaning at all. I'm not sure if I'm a masochist or what, but I absolutely loved writing this chapter. Even though it was a little dark at times, I hope you have enjoyed it as well. I'm not sure, but this might be the first time I've gone all in with the 'Kenshin doesn't feel worthy' trope. My poor guy, what a way to realize you're in love with someone. But it doesn't appear his tentative meeting with Kaoru will go any way like he imagines, even if he is imaging the worst. I've been waiting for this confrontation! So much love to my reviewers! Oh, and thanks for helping me brush up on my Spanish! XD Until next week!