Susano-o: This is another example of us not falling for the canon's bullshit, seriously how did they not know!
Sekhmet: Ah, sweet genre savviness. It feels good to thwart a plan via "Are you fuckin serious?"
Susano-o: He had a giant eyepatch! He might as well have pinned a sign to himself!
Sekhmet: And also no one remembers Titan. Again.
Susano-o: I genuinely forgot he was a shadow rider when I was trying to remember them all.
Sekhmet: We should have beat him up and taken his lunch money.
Susano-o: We did, and now we never have to deal with him again.
Sekhmet: Great. To address the question asked by Hugo and our guest: Yes, there will be lemons, but it'll never be explicitly shown within this fic. It'll always be implied. If you're interested in lemons, they'll be published as their own individual stories, or as part of a collection of scenes, as they occurr within the overarching series. For example, I've written such a scene, and when it's supposed to happen, an additional chapter will be published along with that week's content. As for WHO's doing the lemons, that's spoilers and you'll just have to find out. On with the show!
Duel 24: Incompetent Thieves and Revenge of the Fifth
Yuko was in pain, and for once it wasn't due to Rose flavored shenanigans. The cursed time of the month had finally come around, and it had rearranged her organs. Or at least it felt like it had.
"I hate periods." Yuko groaned, her Spirit Key in hand. She was completely immobilized in an upright fetal position.
"Huh?" Rose said from her bunk as she scanned the internet for various things she could now afford with her newfound wealth.
"Periods. You know, that one week of every month where you bleed out your crotch and life in general hates you." Yuko said.
"Oh right," Rose said staring at her computer nervously. "You want a midol?" She asked. "Or a hot water bottle?"
"Gladly." Yuko said, flailing an arm but not getting anywhere without her legs.
"Here," Rose said rolling out of her bed and grabbing the required medication from their kitchen cabinet and handing them to Yuko with a bottle of water.
"Thanks." Yuko groaned, and took the pill. "Until that kicks in, I'll just put all my emotions in here, and then one day I'll die." She said, gesturing to a small area under her boobs.
"Ok then," Rose said climbing back into her bed.
"You're lucky, you must have a high pain tolerance. This shit hurts but I've never seen you suffer like I do." Yuko said, falling on her side.
"Oh umm yeah, and mine are usually really light," Rose explained.
"You're damn lucky. Mine regularly immobilize me. I've passed out a couple times before." Yuko said.
"That doesn't sound healthy," Rose said looking down at her. "Maybe see a doctor."
"I have before, but apparently it's not something abnormal. They say I just have a low pain tolerance." Yuko explained. "They have me on birth control to try and lessen it but I haven't gotten my newest prescription yet. I've got one tab of them left for next month."
"Wow your tolerance must be low as fuck."
"Yeah. I got the shaft on that one." Yuko admitted. "My brother has a super high pain tolerance, though it's more emotional."
"And you got neither apparently," Rose chuckled. "Now tell me should I get the 1:1 scale replica of Mai Valentine, or the 1:100 scale replica of Slifer?"
"How tall does a 1:100 Slifer end up being?" Yuko asked, knowing full well that a full sized Mai had no place in the room.
"I don't know," Rose said shrugging. "Somewhere around a foot or so."
"I suggest Slifer then. Or you might consider saving that money for when you really need it?" Yuko suggested.
"What is saving?" Rose asked before sniggering. "I'm kidding, but seriously I'm fucking rich now, I'm literally at the point where I can live off interest even with taxes," She explained. "I mean come one, you're telling me Yugi didn't go a little nuts with his winnings after he got big?"
"Well, it's your choice." Yuko said. "And no, he didn't."
"What really?" Rose asked. "Not even buying a car or something?"
"Cars aren't that big in Japan; most people prefer public transport or walking. Students often bike as well. Cars are usually only used to travel long distances. Besides, just cause someone's a little eccentric doesn't mean they aren't responsible." Yuko said.
"So boring," Rose said sighing. "Oh great, did he at least like pay off everything so your parents didn't have to work ever again?"
"Debts like that are an honor thing in Japan. It's not about the money, it's about the hard work." Yuko said. "Besides, a lot of people in Japan are so used to working that they would go crazy with nothing to work on. My family doesn't really have that problem though. Mom's a stay at home parent, Dad is always away on business trips, and Grandpa runs the game shop as something to do during his retirement."
Rose said nothing as she walked over and started beating her head on a wall. "Stupid Stupid Stupid," She muttered.
"You can't fight culture." Yuko shrugged.
"I can fight stupid," Rose countered.
"Sorry, but that's just how it works in Japan, and you'll find it very hard to change that." Yuko said.
"I will when I enact a hostile takeover!" Rose declared. "First I have to get my father to give me 2% of the shares, then convince his five department heads to give me their shares, then get my brother's 2% stake so I will have 51% and thus majority stake in the nation!"
"That's not how countries work." Yuko said.
"Yes it is," Rose said crossing his arms.
"No it's not." Yuko said.
Before they could continue the door opened. "Hey guys," Midori said. "Good news the detective is here," She said with a big grin.
"Oh of course the detective," Rose said smiling back. "And not a moment to soon."
"Just give me a few minutes." Yuko said, the Midol almost kicked in by now.
The three made their way down to the docks where everyone was waiting for the hired detective's ship to come in.
"It's great we're getting a real professional to help us," Rose said putting her hands behind her head.
"Yeah, I actually loved watching 'Columbo' a few years ago. I was on a crime show stint." Yuko said.
"I read all the 'Encyclopedia Brown' books as a kid, so yeah I could probably work for the C.I.A.," Rose said smirking proudly.
"Right…" Yuko said doubtfully.
"Rose you're amazing at putting a strategy together on the fly," Midori said smiling, she was slowly returning to her old self after the traumatic Camula events, if a little more prone to some light teasing than before. "-But I know you would tear your hair out working for any kind of law enforcement, the amount of rules you'd have to follow would probably send you into a stroke."
"Yeah you're probably right," Rose said shrugging.
"I couldn't go into law enforcement either. Japan has so much red tape that instead of having guns and stuff, many police officers get paintball guns instead so they can track criminals using that." Yuko said.
"Gez might as well give them blunderbusses," Rose muttered. "Don't you guys have the damn Yakuza? I feel like that would require more than a paintball gun to stop?"
"Well yeah. But I should clarify, the officers mainly get those to address robberies and hit and runs. When it concerns big crime groups, yes actual firearms come into play." Yuko explained.
"Hey we can continue this later," Midori said nodding towards the boat pulling in. "He's here."
The boat pulled into the docks and lowered a gangplank. Down stepped a very classic-looking detective with purple hair and a golden eyepatch with the Roman symbol for "Supremacy over God" written on it.
"Salutations everyone," He said shaking everyone's hands. "I'm Detective Zaloog and I was called in to help you all protect your remaining Keys."
"Pleased to meet you." Yuko replied.
"Yes glad you're here to help," Alexis said politely. Rose nodded in agreement as she also shook his hand.
"It's nice to have a professionally to help," Midori said smiling.
"I still think this is a waste of time," Chazz snorted.
"Ah you say that now," D. Zaloog said. "-But when your Keys are safe from the Shadow Riders you'll thank me."
"Well let's get going then. I already thought of a great spot to hide mine." Yuko said.
…
"Now it's important to hide them in places people are not likely to look, keeping them on your person is not a good idea," D. Zaloog explained as the sat around Alexis's room.
"Here's good," She said putting the key in her jewelry box. "It's locked so no one should be able to get to it."
"Oh uh, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.." A brown haired nurse stammered, walking in.
"Who are you?" D. Zaloog asked getting in her face.
"Don't worry that's just nurse Meanae," Alexis said placatingly.
"Yeah, she's new here." Yuko added.
...
"There," Chazz said sliding out from under his sink. "No one will think to look under there."
"Yes that's definitely a place no one would ever think to look," D. Zaloog said nodding. A rustling came from outside, and the group looked to a large tan man in a painters uniform with a large scar running down his face.
"Hey who are you?" D. Zaloog said pointing.
"Oh that's just Gorg the janitor," Rose said dismissively. "Don't worry he's cool."
...
"The school safe is secure, only a few select people have the code," Midori explained as she shut the door and turned the combination lock.
"Good, obviously the administration should be trustworthy," D. Zaloog agreed. Just then, a security guard in large glasses walked by on a round.
"And Security Chief Cliff takes his job very seriously," Midori added. "No one's getting in here."
…
"There we go. Even I wouldn't look here." Yuko said, hooking the strap of her key around the float on the inside of the last toilet in the girl's bathroom. She slid the cover back on.
"Yeah I doubt anyone will look in there," D. Zaloog grimace. At that moment, the door creaked open and a short confused looking blond boy peeked in.
"Chick for the last goddamn time first door not the second!" Rose yelled. "Seriously man!"
"Oh, sorry." He said sheepishly and backed out.
"Stupid freaking kid," Rose muttered.
…
"So where is your key?" D. Zaloog asked.
"Oh don't worry it's safe," Rose said smirking. "I hid it inside one of the gate keyholes."
"Uh…" Yuko said.
"Wait what?" Alexis said.
"You what?!" Midori asked.
"Are you insane!" Chazz yelled.
"Umm that sounds dangerous," D. Zaloog said.
"Ah but it isn't," Rose said smiling. "See the gates won't open because I put it in there, it has to be a Shadow Rider, but they also can't use the key if it wasn't taken from me, so they have to give it back to me before they can attempt to steal it," She said tapping her forehead. "Can't steal something that isn't in my possession, roll safe."
"I-wait what?" Yuko asked, legitimately confused.
"I-I guess that works?" Alexis said blinking.
"Well then!" D. Zaloog said smacking his hands together. "Let's all go get dinner while I entertain you with stories from my time as a detective, my favorite is the story involving a cow bell and some oysters."
….
As day turned into night and the moon started making its journey, the keys were systematically stolen from their hiding places and placed into the gates. However, they did nothing.
"And it is done. All the Spirit Keys are ours." One voice called out from the darkness.
"So why aren't they working?" Another asked.
"Yeah, that's the only way we can get those Sacred Beast cards." A third added.
"We must have to to something else." A fourth offered.
"I bet those children know what." A fifth said.
"So much for doing this the easy way." The first said.
….
"Think they took the bait," Rose said chuckling as she mixed a few drinks behind the USS M'DICKS bar counter.
"Phase one is complete." Yuko said. "Honestly though, I didn't think this would actually work."
"Oh please it's the 'Dark Scorpions' they're designed to be incompetent!" Chazz yelled. "I don't even know why their boss chose them to do this."
"So what now?" Yuko asked.
"Wait for old Detective Zaloog to come get us," Midori said taking a sip from her martini.
"Alright then." Yuko said, kicking back.
…
"Everyone come out here!" D. Zaloog yelled at M'DICK. "We've got a problem!"
"Here we go," Rose said smiling evilly.
"Phase two is underway." Yuko said.
D. Zaloog's explanation and theatrics about who was innocent and guilty was admittedly funny to watch, but eventually someone had to spill the beans.
"Yeah no, we know it was you." Yuko said.
"What! what are you talking about?" He asked nervously.
"We know you and your gang stole the keys. We knew you were coming." Alexis elaborated.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" D. Zaloog yelled.
"Even if we hadn't, that eyepatch that has the same symbol all the other accessories the other Shadow Riders had would have given you away!" Yuko argued. "I mean it's right there! We weren't gonna NOT notice it!"
"Also we had these two," Rose said pointing at the door where Camula and Tania where waiting for their cue. "So yay you were boned for the start."
D. Zaloog gulped. "Ok you got use!" He said before him and his "Suspects" suddenly pulled a costume change into their actual costumes, with Don Zaloog having the keys on a string around his neck. One of the 'suspects' looked awfully familiar though...
"Rolls? Who's got the Rolls?" Grog asked.
"Say your name, Grog. I'm "Meanae the Thorn.' Meanae said.
"My name's 'Cliff the Trap Remover'. Guess how I remove em." Cliff said.
"I'm 'Chick the Yellow'. I'm six foot when I jump." 'Chick' said, jumping.
"And I'm the leader, the one and only master of crime Don Zaloog!" Don Zaloog yelled.
"We are the criminal ring known as the 'Dark Scorpions'! They all said, forming a very Sentai-like formation.
"Uh-huh," Rose said smirking. "So then who do we have tied up in right here?" She asked opening the closet door, revealing a beaten, bound, gagged, and naked 'Chick the Yellow',
"Wait where did his underwear go?" Midori asked.
"I needed a bigger gag," Rose said shrugging. "He wouldn't stop screaming."
"Gross." Yuko laughed.
"So then who is…" Don Zaloog started before 'Chick' grabbed his eyepatch and ripped it off, transforming him, Grog, Cliff, Meanae, and the tied up Chick back to cards on the ground.
"I got it!" 'Chick' yelled happily as he put his glasses back on.
"Thank Ra that that worked." Yuko said, sighing.
"Yeah good job Syrus, you've got a good future as an infiltrator," Rose smiled as she picked up the key necklace, and then started laughing uncontrollably.
"What?" Alexis asked.
"He brought back our fake keys and the real ones!" Rose explained as she finally fell over from laughter. "Oh my ribs, my ribs hurt!"
"Wait what?!" Midori asked.
Rose couldn't respond, so she simply held up the necklace so the rest of them could see. Sure enough, they had brought back all the keys, even the ones they had already lost. "So does this mean we win?" She wheezed.
"Did we just reset the war?!" Yuko asked. "I mean there's no rules, right?"
"No you didn't," A voice called out from the darkness. "You only delayed the inevitable."
"What the hell was that?" Yuko asked.
"Not what," the voice said as a large man rose from the shadows. "-But who, it is I Titan, and I've come for my revenge."
"...I'm sorry who are you again?" Rose asked from her position on the ground.
Titan's face twitched. "You don't remember me!" He yelled comically.
"We've never met though." Yuko said.
"YOU LEFT ME TO DIE IN THE ABANDONED DORMS!" Titan yelled before pointing at a few people, namely Yuko, Rose, Midori, Alexis, and Syrus. "You were all there!" he accused.
"I'm still not familiar." Midori said.
"Wait I think I remember him!" Syrus said, Titan started to thank him. "He was the guy stealing all the egg-wiches!"
"Oh yeah!" Rose agreed before turning to Titan agrily. "It was you! You dirty egg-wich thief!"
"I am not an egg-wich thief!" He yelled.
"Yeah it is him!" Alexis agreed.
"Let's beat him up and take his lunch money!" Chazz suggested.
"Yeah!" Everyone cheered, except Midori.
"No," She said putting on her duel disk. "I'm gonna duel him, this whole Shadow Ride thing has left me in a bad mood," She said darkly. "And it's time my monster's got a chance to stretch their wings."
Everyone else grumbled, but didn't try and stop her. Rose in particular seemed excited to see her dorm mate finally duel.
"Alright then," Titan said grumbling. "Lets duel!"
"Yeah," Midori said with a gravelly tone. "Let's duel," She said drawing her first card. "And I'll start by playing 'Valhalla, Hall of the Fallen'," She said summoning a throne surrounded by draped pillars behind her back. "Now once per turn when I have no monsters I can special summon a 'Fairy' type monster from my hand," She explained scanning her hand before snatching one out of it and slamming it onto her disk. "Like my 'Darklord Asmodeus (3000/2500)!" She yelled as a black winged angel appeared on the throne behind her before taking flight to land on her field. "Now I'll use his effect to send a 'Fairy' type monster from my deck to my graveyard, and then end my turn with two face downs," She finished. "Your move."
"Your monster doesn't scare me I am the master of shadows!" Titan yelled drawing a card. "I play 'Banderillero Fiend' (900/1600) and when he's summoned I can destroy one monster on the field so say goodbye to your 'Asmodeus'!" He yelled as his snake shot a wad of venom at Midori's monster.
Midori smirked cruelty at that. "You jumped the gun go 'Solemn Judgement'!" She yelled activating her trap. "I'll negate your 'Banderillero's' summon at the cost of half my life points," (Midori LP: 8000-4000). She explained as a robed bearded man appeared in front of her and with a wave of his hand he destroyed 'Banderillero Fiend.
Titan gulped. "I play a card face down and end my turn."
"Yeet this eggwich thief!" Yuko said.
"Good move, Midori!" Alexis added.
"Yeah," Chazz agreed nodding. "This will be over quick."
"She's playing hard and fast," Rose muttered. "-But she seems off."
"My move," Midori said drawing. "First I'll use 'Asmodeus's' effect again, then I'll discard 'Zeradias, Herald of Heaven to the graveyard to add a 'Sanctuary in the Sky' to my hand," She said grabbing the right card. "Now I'll activate it," She said slotting the card in, this summoned a massive and incredibly bright temple in the sky where her monster started flying around. "Now I take no battle damage from a battle involving a 'Fairy' type monster I control," She explained. "I'll set another face down and end my turn."
"You can't stall forever!" Titan yelled. "I play 'Ritual of the Matador' so by sending 6 stars worth of levels to the grave I can summon my 'Matador Fiend' (0/0)!" He declared as the field became surrounded by the flesh and bones of the inside of a beast, with a large pool of bubbling blood in the center, from which a grotesque monster appeared. "Now 'Matador Fiend' attack her 'Asmodeus'!"
"What's wrong with it, what's wrong with it?!" Yuko scrambled.
"What are you talking about?" Alexis asked.
"Any monster with crap stats has to have a bullshit special ability! No one would run it otherwise!" Yuko said.
"Yes, he can't be destroyed by battle, I take no battle damage, and any monster it battles is destroyed," Titan laughed as the two monsters collided.
"Wrong I play 'Divine Punishment'," Midori said activating her facedown. "When I control a 'Sanctuary in the Sky' I can use this card to negate any effect on the field my opponent activates, and destroy it," She explained as her 'Sanctuary's' light suddenly turn a bright red as hundreds of lighting bolts starting raining down onto the field, before finally striking 'Matador Fiend' and blowing it up.
"I end my turn," Titan said nervously.
"Holy, I can see why Midori is ranked so high," Rose muttered in shock.
"Yeah, she's a force to be reckoned with." Alexis said.
"Alright," Midori said drawing her next card. "I'm bored with you now," She said glaring. "I play 'Celestial Transformation' to special summon a 'Fairy' type monster in exchange for halving its attack and destroying it at the end phase," She explained. "Go 'Gellenduo' (1700-850/0)," She said as two tiny pink and green plushly angels with halos around their chests appeared on the field. "Now I can count these two as two tributes for a light 'Fairy' type monster, now rise 'Athena' (2600/800)!" She yelled as a woman clad in celestial armor descended from the heavens. "Now I use her effect, by sending a face up 'Fairy' type monster on my field to the graveyard I can summon another from my graveyard and deal you 600 points of damage, so goodbye 'Asmodeus' and rise 'Darklord Superbia' (2900/2400)," She ordered as her monster, a bird/chalice hybrid descended. "Now his effect activates, allowing me to summon another 'Fairy' from my graveyard, so rise 'Darklord Zerato' (2800/2300)!" She ordered as the demonic end of the 'Warrior of Zera' line landed on the field (Titan LP: 8000-6400) "Now normally he could destroy all monsters on your field if I discarded a card, but I don't have to since your field is already empty," She smirked. "Now I'll finish this by activating 'Heavy Storm'!" She yelled as the field was wiped clean of spell and trap cards. "And now that your field is empty I'll have my monsters tear you to shreds!" She yelled as her monsters all attacked at once (Titan LP: 6400-0). "You lose, now lay down and die," Midori said cruelty.
"Harsh," Rose said standing up.
"But awesome." Yuko added. As she said that, the little blobs from last time devoured Titan back into the shadows, kicking and screaming the whole way. All that was left behind was his mask. "So did we reset the war?"
"I don't know," Camula said scratching her head. "We didn't expect this to happen."
"I feel like we used a Gameshark on reality." Yuko said.
"I think we should all take our keys back and head back," Rose said redistributing the keys to everyone. "Yuko come with me, I'm gonna lock the ones we lost before up in M'DICK."
"Your dirty joke is not lost on me but I still won't laugh." Yuko said.
"What do you mean?" Rose asked raising an eyebrow as the two walked towards the docks, Rose occasionally looking over her shoulder back at the rest of the group.
"I know you didn't name it M'DICK on accident. I'm just waiting for you to use the big one." Yuko said.
"I still don't know what you're talking about but I think we're far enough away," She said looking over her shoulder one more time. "What the hell was up with Midori?"
"I dunno, but I'd rather not talk about it behind her back. Talk shit, get hit." Yuko said.
"You saw how cruel she was," Rose pressed. "I've seen her get angry and mother bear like, but that was just cruelty, she was like a whole different person."
"Maybe she just has a different mindset when she duels." Yuko said. "She said that she was getting pent up."
"It's just jarring," Rose sighed. "With you I know why you're acting like that, with her I don't know."
"I doubt she's possessed or anything if that's what you mean." Yuko said.
"No I'm just...I don't know," Rose sighed. "It was jarring and threw me way off guard," She admitted.
"Well it may just be how she acts. I don't know." Yuko said.
"Alright alright I'll stop," Rose said opening the sub's hatch and putting the keys in her safe. "So where do you keep your key?"
Yuko said nothing, but instead opened her mouth, hooked something under her tongue, and pulled out the key by the strap.
"Ok awesome place but you can't be keep it there all the time, I would have noticed," Rose asked furrowing her brow.
"It's only there until my period is over." Yuko said.
"Why would your period affect your-OH," She said wide eyed after a second of contemplation before quickly gaining the most lecherous smirk she could give. "Oh well someone's into so kinky shit, you must love it when we get called for a duel and the key starts vibrating," She chuckled. "And you're still worried about dating Syrus, Slifer protect you woman," She laughed.
"Yeah I'm lucky that the keys don't gravitate towards each other." Yuko said, ignoring almost everything Rose said. "Relax, it's in a plastic baggie when it's up there."
"Yuko you know I didn't care about that," Rose laughed. "Now explain to me again why you're scared of asking Syrus out when you literally walk around with the equivalent of a remote controlled vibrator in your honeypot?"
"First of all that's a disgusting term. Second, no one's found the key right? And third, it doesn't work like that in my culture. You've seen the anime. I'm expected to fawn over him, send him little notes and handmade candies, even do some crazy shit in an effort to garner his attention, and if all else fails, make a big dramatic confession in a public place." Yuko explained.
"And you final question is on the board, what out of that list have you done?" Rose said in an Alex Trebek impression. "And the answer is, what is none of them, that is correct."
"I dunno, dressing up as his little card crush is pretty crazy. I don't have access to a kitchen, and I've tried writing letters. I'm not good with words." Yuko said. "I mean you think it's stupid, why do you care?"
Rose gave her a deadpan stare. "Because while watching you two skate around each other like a pair of kids in a rom com was cute for a while it's now rapidly reaching the point in the movie where you want to choke the two and make them kiss, and you're starting to become a Yandere."
"Eh? I'm not that violent." Yuko said, waving a hand.
"You terror aura'd the group when Syrus mentioned his card crush, and nearly lost it when he said Blair's card was cute," Rose countered. "Now you have Psycho Slifer."
"I RESENT THAT!" Eraser yelled.
"He resents that." Yuko said.
"And he's a few spells short of a full deck," Rose finished. "If that aura slips you could actually hurt someone, you heard what you said to Chazz right?' She asked.
"Only vaguely. But my soul has a barrier that prevents them from affecting me too much outside of a duel, and as long as I believe that it's strong, it'll stay up." Yuko said.
"Uh-huh," Rose said not believing her for a second. "Look just make a move already, culture be damn this waiting bullshit isn't gonna work."
"Look I have a plan. I'm gonna flirt my ass off on the day of the festival, he'd have to be brain dead to not understand." Yuko said.
Rose sighed. "Alright," She said rolling her eyes. "Well come on then, let's get back to the dorms, only 2 more Shadow Riders to go."
Yuko put the key back in its place and followed her back.