Kini

The streets of Sunagakure were twisted, contorted into a bizarre and surreal landscape. Every building was covered in gaudy colors, adorned with strange and whimsical designs. Most of the buildings were old buildings the new Kazekage had ordered to have "renovated," but the new ones had curved walls and twisted turrets jutting out at odd angles. One structure was a giant teapot, sand trickling from its spout.

There was a giant overhead loop-de-loop in the middle of the main road through the village.

Even the inhabitants of the village seemed to be affected by the madness. They were all dressed in strange costumes, complete with oversized hats and gaudy makeup. Standard ninja weapons were replaced with oversized spoons and forks that shinobi had to carry on their backs.

When the Kazekage's absurd laws were passed in the Sand Village, Kini found himself struggling to hold back his frustration. But the bloated corpses that hung from the gallows were a constant reminder of what happened to those who awakened Gaara's wrath. But what could be done about it? Besides being the most powerful shinobi in the village, Gaara was essentially a king. His family had been ruling the village for so long that the position was now handed to the previous Kazekage's heir.

One of the laws stated that all shinobi must wear their sandals on their heads while in the village, and Kini couldn't help but roll his eyes as he begrudgingly complied. He had stalked through the streets, his head weighed down by the cumbersome sandals, and couldn't help but feel like a fool. At least that law had been repealed once the Kazekage had grown bored of it.

But it was the next law that really pushed Kini to his limits. Gaara, the fourth of his name, had ordered that all shinobi must perform a silly dance before entering any buildings. For the most part, Kini had avoided entering buildings since then.

Now Kini stood at the outer door to the kazekage's building and inhaled deeply.

He opened the door and walked in without performing any dance.

It had taken three jonin to hold Kini down and had cost them several black eyes and one broken rib.

"Let me go, 'for I bite your arm off! I ain't gonna wear that thing!"

"I'm sorry, it's the kazekage's orders. The punishment for not doing the silly dance is to wear a maid outfit." the jonin said, as she shoved the maid outfit over Kini's head.

"I don't give a shit what the Mad Kage thinks," Kini growled as he squirmed.

The jonin glanced over her shoulder. "Quiet you fool. Do you want him to hear?"

Just then the door to the kazekage's office flew open. Gaara, the fourth of his name, was a tall man with majestic golden hair and dark rings around his eyes. He was missing a leg, and in its place was an arm of liquid mercury. With Gaara's magnetic kekkei genkai, the arm was far more useful than his leg had been. Kini was a practitioner of magnetism himself, though unlike Gaara, who like many previous kazekages used it to manipulate a substance in mass, kini had… other uses for his magnetism.

Behind Gaara, there appeared to be at least 17 ponies trouncing around his office. One of them was draped with rubber-duck print shower curtains.

"Kini, are you causing trouble again? I'm trying so hard to bring order to this village. Do you like your bones?"

"Like my bones? Da fuck you talkin' about."

"Do you want to keep your bones. Because I can take them from you. And there are no frogs anywhere near here, so you won't be able to grow any new ones."

"I ain't got time for this. I came ta tell you about the man who was at the gates."

"Oh? Was he a looker? Do you think he's only after my money?"

Kini balled his fist. It was fortunate he was being held down, or he'd be throwing it at the kazekage right about now. "He ain't lookin' to date you. He says he speaks for the corruption and wanted us to bring him to ya. We brought him to a cell instead."

Gaara facepalmed. "Kini, kini. You can't be rude to our guests. I'm taking you off of gate duty." Gaara motioned towards one of his secretaries "Go and put him in a bathtub, then carry it it here."

Gaara sat down next to Kini. "So, I've been discussing with the village council," He motioned towards the ponies. "And—"

A barrage of kunai flew out of the wall, aimed at the kazekage. Without even moving or turning from Kini, Gaara blocked it with his liquid metal, then formed that metal into a spear that pierced through the wall. Red fluid ran down the hole in the wall.

"I thought we passed a law that all assassination attempts had to be scheduled two weeks in advance?" Gaara tugged at his hair. "All I want is for people to follow the law. Why are so many people shitting all over what I'm trying to do here?"

Gaara then continued as if he'd suddenly forgotten about the assassination attempt. "My advisors tell me that the land of wind is going to cut our funding. We can't let that happen! The corruption is out there, but since it hasn't really touched this nation yet, it isn't real to them. We need to show them that we're still needed. So, one of my advisors suggested that we start a war. But, how to determine who to attack? Konoha has the most trees, but they have frogs so, their bones will be very strong. Iwagakure on the other hand—"

"The corruption!" Kini said. "We obviously gotta fight them."

Gaara looked at him like he'd just suggested that they all wear sandals on their heads. He burst out laughing and began rolling across the floor. "Oh, Kini, you crack me up!"

There was a knocking at the outer door. "Lord Kazekage, the prophet of the Cult of the Corruption is here to see you."