Susano-o: Meme machine chapter.
Sekhmet: Meme Machine. Meme Machine. I'm a motherfucking meme machine. (Does the robot)
Susano-o: Lets go before our flex tape boat falls apart.
Chapter 46: Siege Tactics, Part 2
"So how's the Society looking?" Rose yawned as she accepted a fresh cup of coffee from a Black Knight before sitting down in her beach chair facing the white dorm.
"Good for us, horrible for them. They're stuck in there for the time being." The Knight chuckled. "Good to see em finally get what they deserve."
"Yes it is," Rose laughed sipping her coffee. "Yes it is, now commence Operation: Eagle With A Huge Dong."
"Which one was that again?" They asked.
"The one where we systematically drive them insane by doing random bullshit," Rose said rolling her eyes. "Honestly, why do I even name these if no one remembers them," She sighed. "That reminds me, how is Operation: Happy Little Tree going?"
"Well you don't name these plans with context clues. Happy Little Tree is going alright. We were meeting with some resistance at first, but I think they're doing well."
"Good," Rose said opening her newspaper and relaxing into her chair. "Well, go get the mortars set up."
"Yes Ma'am." They said, and went to help set up mortars.
….
"So," Sartorius said slowly crushing a stress ball in his hands. "Now that I've recovered from my anger induced stroke, can someone fill me in on what our situation is?"
"Umm well," Alexis said wringing her hands. "We're trapped."
Sartorius let out a deep growl. "How trapped?" He asked squeezing his ball harder.
"Completely," Bastion added. "The entire place is surrounded, and even the emergency tunnel has been filled with Flex Seal."
Sartorius's stess ball exploded. "Where did they get that much flex seal?" He asked angrily.
"They called the company and made a commercial in exchange," Bastion explained before ducking under the table as a chair flew over his head.
"They have corporate sponsorship!?" He roared grabbing the desk hard enough to leave dents in it.
"Master? You may want to see this. Some weird shit is going down!" One of the white students said, peeking their head in the door. They looked worried, but more so confused.
Out on the lawn, the Knights has dressed up in shoddy fantasy costumes and collected a series of increasingly strange substitutes for dnd spells, preparing to do some impromptu LARPing. It was pure chaos as they hit each other with foam weapons and cardboard spells. Well, almost all of them were cardboard. The society found out the hard way that their Magic Missile spells were first generation lawn darts when one stuck itself in the door, nearly puncturing the hand of another student who was leaning against it.
"Hear Ye Hear Ye!" Rose yelled from her makeshift platform above a Taco Bueno food Truck, she was dressed in massive purple and black fur cloak with scap build viking battle armor beneath it and a plastic jeweled crown utop her head. "I The Great Queen Rosaline the First and Last of Her Name! Princess Rose Windsor! And The Royal Advisor Yuko Muto! Do hereby declare that the Knights Games Open!"
Yuko, dressed in a blue flowered bathrobe that kind of looked like a kimono over a tank top and jeans and a pair of Geta sandals, raised a torch into the air.
"I give my blessing to these games," Princess Rose said eloquently, the lack of a valley girl accent stunning everyone. "And wish all the competitors well in their challenges!" She smiled as Yuko lit a large pit behind her, creating a six foot bonfire as the rest of the knights cheered.
"-But before we start!" Rose yelled waving her hand. "There is the matter of initiation," She said as Dr. Crowler stepped forward towards the platform. "Chancellor Crowler, for your bravering in fucking around with the evil Society of Light members, you are offically welcomed into the Black Knight!"
"Here Here!" The crowd shouted as Yuko brought forward a chalice filled with a dark pink liquid. "Blessed be this nectar of the gods, may it grant strength, insight and boundless capacity to all who drink it."
Crowler looked at the drink. "What is it?" He asked nervously.
"It is ¼ 5 Hour energy, and ¾ 4Loko," Rose explained. "We call it the 9Loko!"
A sweat drop appeared on Crowler's forehead. "Why can't I just do cocaine like an adult?" He asked before taking the chalice and chugging it down in one go, raising it above his head when he was done.
"He has joined!" Rose yelled over the cheering crowd.
….
The Society watched the Black Knights begin their tournament in confusion and anger. "I wanna play," One of the members said sadly and was summarily smacked by Sartorius.
"Shut up," He growled. "I will not let rest until they are in a tomb!" Unfortunately his voice carried outside.
"Oh? Did somebody say boom!" Rose yelled laughing as she slammed the plunger down on the mortars, sending two explosives at the building that rocked it to the foundation.
"What the hell!?" Alexis screamed in fear as dust rained down on them.
Sartorius hissed in annoyance. "Can someone get a broom?"
"Did somebody say boom!" The Society heard as another mortar barrage hit their building. One of the students started crying.
"What the hell are they thinking?!" Another shouted. "They'll send us to our doom!"
"No don't!" Alexis yelled before another mortar blast hit them, shattering the windows. "Don't say anything that sounds or rhymes with that word!"
"Are they trying to kill us now!?" Sartorius screamed angrily as they cowered underneath the furniture. "This is insanity!"
"Also their acting is terrible," another Society member said snorting. In response, a lawn dart Magic Missile almost took out his eye.
"The Queen demands his head!" Rose yelled pointing at the student in question. "He doth insult our acting, let him face the might of The Champion!"
The Champion was Tyranno decked out in armor made entirely of black and gold spray-painted football and motocross gear. "Howdy!" He said smiling evilly. "I'm gonna kick your ass, then I'm gonna reenact kicking your ass."
As Aster watched Rose use her darkness to grab the poor kid and drag him outside to face their justice, He's wearing the outfit he wore in Arc-V because the authors are too lazy to describe it when everyone can google it, He finally decided to give in and embrace the insanity. "Off with his head!" Aster chanted getting the rest of the crowd to join in as Tyranno began to smack the kid around with his padded sword.
"Bring me his lunch money, Sir Knight." Yuko grinned, and waved her boffing greatsword.
A tall, taller than Tyranno even, knight wearing a set of Orgoth the Relentless™cardboard armor marched onto the field and started whapping the kid from the sky, and then in fact rustling through his pockets and bringing Yuko back a wallet.
"Your knight is very powerful," Princess Rose commented as he bent his knee to Yuko. "What is your name Sir Knight?"
"I go by the name of Sir Syrus." He said removing his helmet with a squeak. It turns out the whole costume was run on stilts, which he was shockingly adept at using.
"Umm," Princess Rose said blinking. "Ok then Sir Syrus," She said touching his forehead gently to give him her blessing.
…
"Why are we letting them do this!" Sartorius yelled.
"Because every time we walk outside they shoot us with paintball guns." True to form, once the LARPing was done, it was back to the block party, with shifts of paintball snipers taking turns preparing to be a firing squad.
"Well someone's gotta do something!" A student said.
"Let's just wait," Another suggested. "We can just wait them out, Rose will get bored soon and leave us."
"Fine. We still have a kitchen, right?" The first one asked.
"Yeah-," The second started before the sound of a support column blowing up interrupted them, taking out the section where the kitchen was. "Umm no."
"We're fucked." The first replied.
Sartorius said nothing, he simply walked over to a chair and broke it in half. "There we go," He said calming down. "So Alexis, what are they doing now?"
"It appears they're setting up for laser tag," Alexis answered.
"Wonderful," Sartorius growled as he left to supervise the clearing of the kitchen.
….
"Everyone got their vests on?" Yuko asked.
"Yes!" Everyone yelled as the sun started going down.
"Alright, this works on manhunt rules. Spread out and hide, if you're found and shot you die, you have to join the searchers. Is everyone clear on that?" Yuko asked.
"Yes!" Everyone yelled again.
"Loser drinks a bottle of Lester's Fixins Bacon Soda!" Rose giggled.
"The game starts now!" Yuko declares, and the knights fanned out around the camp.
…
This insanity continued for what felt like weeks, with each of their stunts getting more and more ridiculous than the last, including things like, a bingo tournament with the Academy students grandparents, a live action recreation of the Band Geeks episode from Spongebob, two movie nights involving watching Alexis and Rose's sex tapes (Syrus got quite a few ideas from them despite Yuko's attempts to block his eyes), several dance parties, a finally a good old fashioned country hoedown (No one was sure who suggested that one), All the while The Society was constantly being bombarded with mortar shells whenever someone said anything close to the word Boom.
"This can't keep going!" Sartorius screamed in rage as he watched a film crew set up outside the building, apparently they were filling a Flex Seal Family of Products ™ commercial today.
"They've been here for a week already," Alexis said nervously. "We've eaten all the food and now we're relying on toothpaste and oranges."
"It's awful!" One of the girls whined. "It's like a chemical contradiction!"
"This dorm is a fucking nightmare!" Another yelled.
"Shut up!" Sartorius screamed.
….
Hi, Rose Warren here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape! That can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair!" Rose announced with a smile as she slapped the tape over a leaking water container. " Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Flex Tape grips on tight and bonds instantly! Plus, Flex Tape's powerful adhesive is so strong, it even works underwater!" She explained, doing the same thing to the inside of a container. "Now you can repair leaks in pools and spas in water without draining them Flex Tape is perfect for marine, campers and RVs! Flex Tape is super strong, and once it's on, it holds on tight! And for emergency auto repair, Flex Tape keeps its grip, even in the toughest conditions! Big storms can cause big damage, but Flex Tape comes super wide, so you can easily patch large holes," She laughed before looking over at the dorms with an evil grin. "To show the power of Flex Tape," She said snapping her fingers, causing the Black Knights to spring into action, sealing the dorm's doors and windows. "I covered this building in it! Not only does Flex Tape's powerful adhesive hold the doors together, but it creates a super strong water tight seal, so the people inside are completely trapped! Yee-doggy!" Rose laughed as she watched the Society members freak out through the one opening left in the tape. "Just cut, peel, stick and seal! Imagine everything you can do with the power of Flex Tape!" She said sticking the last piece over it.
"Cut!" The director yelled. "That was amazing!"
"Well we do our best." Yuko said.
"Yay!" Syrus clapped in his producer's chair. Aster just splashed some brandy in his tea and chugged the pot.
"I hear you Private," Hassleberry said patting his back.
…
"Are we all set for Operation: Wonderwall?" Rose asked her good mood evaporating as the sun started to rise.
"Depends. Belowski, you ready for this?" Yuko asked
"Huh?" Belowski asked back.
"Are you ready?" Yuko repeated.
"Huh?" Belowski asked again taking a tip from his bong. "Sorry I'm trying this new strain now, it's called Girl Scout Cookies, I'm like totally riding the good vibrations right now," He said smiling as 12 black knights collapsed around him.
"Ok, let me rephrase that. Are you ready for the trip of your life?" Yuko asked, proceeding to hold her breath as she loaded his limp body into the catapult. He had been suited up in crash gear, a helmet, elbow and knee pads, and wrapped up in a whole roll of bubble wrap like a burrito.
"Dudette we're all on a trip," Belowski said looking off into the vast cosmic expanse of the unknown as if it would give him the secrets to life, the universe, and the mystery of the afterlife, the 12 black knights around him were so moved they vowed to dedicate their lives to unraveling the secrets of the unknown and clear burning energy efficient propane. "And that's part of the journey," He said taking another rip, how he was doing it wrapped in bubble wrap no one knew.
"Right." Yuko replied. She wound up the catapult.
"To the infinite!" Belowski yelled as he flew through the air, right at the white dorms skylight.
….
"What's that sound?" Sartorius asked growling.
"Incoming!" One of the white students cried, and rolled out of the way in order to not get hit by a flying Belowski.
"They launched one of their own?" Another asked. One by one, all the students around him started to pass out as his influence spread.
"It's some sort of chemical bomb!" A third yelled before passing out.
"Nah man this isn't a chemical," Belowski said. "Just some good old fashioned medicine."
"Cover your nose and mouth!" Another student cried.
"It's got a spreading radius!" Another yelled.
"Get him out!" Sartorius ordered.
"We can't! Anyone who goes near him passes out and he's got an increasing radius!" The last student said.
Sartorius roared and kick Belowski into a corner away from him. "There," He growled.
"Incoming again!" One of the remaining conscious students said. The remaining skylight shattered.
"My leg!" Bastion screamed as a Life Sized Phil Swift out of The Flex Seal Family of Products™ landed on his leg.
"Hi Phil Swift Here!" The statue garbled from a broken speaker inside it.
"Get it off me!" Bastion screamed.
Screams of concern and confusion came from the students, along with the dreaded phrase. "How could this get any worse?!"
"Don't say that! It can and will!" Another student replied fearfully.
"How?! We're trapped, people's legs are broken, we have no food and are slowly drifting off to death! How could it get any worse?" The student argued.
The area suddenly started getting darker. The students looked up, and to their horror saw a giant black sphere blocking out the sun. The Wicked Avatar, to be precise.
"Probability of cult survival: 0% percent." Avatar's bellowing call announced. And then chaos ensued.