Uninspired Voyages
A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation et al are the property of CBS Television, Para creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.
Janeway stormed into Shepherd's office mid-shift, looking upset. The security chief was reading through some reports when she slammed a PADD down on his desk. He immediately looked up, then stood up.
"Captain? May I help you?" He asked politely.
"Shepherd! This report is not acceptable!" Janeway practically snarled. Shepherd blinked curiously. He picked up the report and thumbed the activation button.
"Hm? What do you mean Captain?" He asked. "This is our weekly security update report. Just as you requested-"
"It's the manner in which you delivered it to me!" Janeway growled, pointing at the pink, red and purple heart-shaped cardboard glued to the PADD. There were also lacy patterns around it. Shepherd blinked thoughtfully, then smiled. He snapped his fingers.
"Ohhhhh! Don't worry Captain! My intentions towards you are nothing but platonic this Valentines' Day!"
"Valentines' Day?" Janeway echoed in disbelief. Shepherd nodded.
"I mean you're engaged, for one! And so am I!"
"Shepherd-" Janeway tried, but the security chief kept going.
"You're way too old for me, Captain, for another. I mean, for a human." He looked thoughtful. "Not to mention you're built like a spinster, you have a raspy voice, that bouffant hairdo-"
"SHEPHERD!" Janeway bellowed, glaring with flushed cheeks at the impudent security chief, "what the hell is WRONG with you?! Are you deliberately trying to undermine my authority?!"
Shepherd looked genuinely surprised at this. Absolutely gobsmacked, which gave pause to Janeway's anger.
Though she was still a bit peeved over his description of her... Attributes.
"Huh? Oh no captain! Not at all!" Shepherd insisted, waving his hands around, "I very specifically made sure your valentine was delivered out of sight of the crew! And as you'll note, whenever I have questioned your orders I made sure it was in private and that I was respectful."
Janeway scowled. He did have a point. He had his odd little pranks and eccentricities but during a real emergency, he was completely serious and by the book. The report itself was done properly, just as she had requested.
That said...
"Then why all this... All this...?!" She waved her hands around. Shepherd grinned to appease her.
"Captain! Captain, please. I'm not trying to undermine anything! Starfleet Intelligence is a very different culture than the standard Starfleet model! I told you this!" He then shrugged from behind the desk. "And besides: We are 70,000 lightyears from home. You of all people need to have some levity in your life, from time to time. Otherwise you'll just twist yourself apart. I assure you, I'm not trying to torment you. Just help you lighten up, I promise."
Janeway stared at him, and let out a weary sigh.
"Same reason for getting those Ocampan children to participate in your antics?"
"Absolutely," Shepherd replied with a happy nod, "you said it yourself: We're a community. And a community needs everyone to laugh at themselves from time to time. To loosen up. To have some hope, right?"
Janeway let out a long sigh, feeling a bit foolish. Everything this spy had done had seemed like the work of someone competing with her for power, and yet... From this perspective, she couldn't fault him.
She had done crazy things herself for her crew in the past. To make sure they knew their efforts were not in vain.
To have hope.
"I can tone it down for you if you'd like, Captain," Shepherd said. He shrugged. "It's just how I cope and how I try to help everyone else out. But if I am getting on your nerves, I'll adjust."
"... I don't mind it, I just would like it all out in the open," Janeway admitted. She shook her head. She had been getting herself worked up over nothing. To soothe things over though...
"Were you like this when you were aboard the Enterprise? I've heard Captain Picard can be quite... Stiff."
Shepherd laughed, looking very nostalgic.
"Him? Oh no... I did much worse. I was a moody, angry teenager at the time, after all."
Janeway stared at him, resting her hands on the desk. She took a deep breath, and sat down in the chair opposite his. He sat down after her, respectfully.
"I know I'm going to regret this," Janeway began, "but what did you do to him? He wrote you a letter of recommendation for Starfleet Academy!"
Shepherd chuckled, replicating some coffee and handing her a mug. She took it gratefully, as he sipped at his own mug.
"Yeah but the subspace message also included 'For the Love of God, keep him as far away from me as possible!'" He said. "I should know-I hacked it myself."
Janeway snorted.
"And the reason for that was?"
Shepherd leaned back in his chair, and hummed.
"Welllll... Let's see... I set his sonic shower for oatmeal. Put glue in his riding boots for his holographic program about riding horses. Set his replicator to put laxatives in his tea. Beamed snow into his quarters. Set his replicator to make all his uniforms just a bit too tight around the midsection..."
Janeway was sipping her coffee much more deeply as the security chief listed all of these... Insane antics, barely able to contain her laughter. Her security chief may have missed his calling as a comedian.
Shepherd paused, hummed, then counted something else with his fingers.
"Replaced his detective holoprogram with the gay porno version..."
"During your entire time there?" She asked. Shepherd shook his head.
"Oh no! That's what I did the first month aboard!"
Janeway actually let out a laugh at that.
"How did he not kill you?"
Shepherd grinned.
"He's an excellent diplomat!" He then shrugged. "Plus he set me on Lwaxanna Troi a lot. She hasn't bothered him since."
Janeway, having met the woman, winced deeply.
"I think I can see why he wrote that letter of recommendation..."
"Me too," Shepherd said.
Just some fun...