Uninspired Voyages

A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation et al are the property of CBS Television, Para creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Nightshift was usually Harry's turn on watch, but Ensign Baytart had come down with an illness and so he had to function as Ops manager for another shift. This wasn't too surprising for Harry as he walked out of the turbolift to his station.

What was surprising was seeing Lieutenant Shepherd walking up to Captain Janeway from the other turbolift as she sat in her chair. He gave her a nod as she rose.

"Hope your shift was uneventful, Captain," Shepherd said calmly. Janeway nodded back to the security chief.

"It was. Crewman Doppo got injured in a maintenance shaft fall, but he'll be all right. Ensign Wildman is leading a survey on a nearby protostar nursery, and we're on course for a Talaxian colony."

Shepherd smiled and nodded.

"Aye captain. I have the bridge."

"I am relieved. Have a good shift, Lieutenant," she said. She headed off to the turbolift at the back of the bridge, and vanished into it. Harry stared in disbelief at Shepherd, who sighed as he walked around the bridge, talking with each member of the nightshift crew briefly.

"Hey, how are you? Good? That's good. Jenkins, nice haircut! Love it!"

He at last came up to Harry's position at Ops with a smile. Harry blinked.

"Uh, sir?" Harry asked.

"Amazingly, I'm the third officer," Shepherd explained, leaning against the ops console with a shrug. "Surprise to me too."

"But don't you have to go through Command School training, sir?" Harry asked. "I mean, I did!"

Shepherd sighed.

"Yeah, I did," he grumbled. "I had to, in order to qualify for Intelligence Operations training. And it sucked."

"It couldn't have been that bad, sir," Harry said with a smile and a shrug. The security chief snorted.

"Ugh. Protocol this, psychology that," he grumbled. "And all the politics attached. Geez! I just wanted to be an analyst! I'm not cut out to be a captain."

Harry opened his mouth, but Shepherd wagged his finger in his face.

"And don't go sucking up! It's not going to change my mind about it," Shepherd huffed. "Besides, I barely passed. I wouldn't have bothered with the Kobayashi Maru if it didn't literally influence everything else you did for the first half of your career."

"Really?" Harry asked, intrigued. He'd asked Commander Chakotay about his Kobayashi Maru experience, but the first officer hadn't been forthcoming about it. Nor had the captain when he'd asked her, a bit nervously. Shepherd seemed a lot more laid back about it, so maybe...

"What did you do sir?"

Shepherd sighed. He shrugged again.

"Well... It was tricky. If I just pulled a Kirk and reprogrammed the damn thing, like so many other idiots do, I'd just end up with crummy career prospects. But if I did something really incredible, I'd probably be shoved into the command track permanently. Damnit, I wanted to be an analyst." The eccentric intelligence agent shook his head. "So instead, I went into the holodeck the night before, and then, during the simulation..."

Then-Cadet Shepherd sat back in the captain's chair and stared at the face of the sneering Romulan commander on the viewscreen. His ship was the only thing standing between this Romulan Warbird and the SS Kobayashi Maru's total annihilation.

"Starfleet vessel. You have violated the Neutral Zone. Surrender and prepare to be boarded!" The commander declared.

Shepherd then smiled.

"Subcommander," he said, "tell me: Do you have pictures of your mother fornicating with a human?"

The Romulan commander gaped in shock, his face turning green.

"You-I-?!"

Shepherd pulled out several flimsies of himself and an attractive Romulan woman engaged in various acts of coitus. He held them up so the Subcommander could see them quite clearly.

"Would you like to have some?" Shepherd asked, his smile turning into a grin.

"You see, I could send these holographic recordings, with a tasteful soundtrack, to every subspace receiver in the Star Empire. Orrrr..." Shepherd cocked his head like a bird, still grinning. "You could let the Kobayashi Maru and my ship leave, unmolested. And no one else need know about what a dirty, dirty girl your mother is."

He lowered the flimsies, but kept them in sight of the viewscreen as he smiled at the apoplectic Romulan.

"What's it gonna be?"

"You... You... You vayruul!" The Romulan snarled.

"Yeah, that's what your mom called me too," Shepherd replied cheerfully. "Sounds less sexy from your mouth than hers. Oh, and speaking of her mouth-"

"SILENCE!" The Commander roared. He breathed hard. The programming for the holosim was incredible, Shepherd reflected-He could actually hear the stifled laughter of the Subcommander's crew in the background. "I will... Escort you out of our space. If you give me your word you will not... Send those images. Will you?"

"I swear on your mother's amazing tits," Shepherd said brightly. He ignored the reactions of his holographic crew: They would just make him crack up and start laughing. "Shall we?"

"We will-" The transmission cut out. It was replaced with the Romulan warbird in question blowing up as sustained disruptor fire ripped it apart.

"Sir, another Warbird just decloaked," the tactical officer cried, "they're locking on, firing-!"

And the simulator exploded around him. Shepherd sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"Well. Shit. Should have slept with that guy's mom, too."

Harry stared in utter disbelief at Shepherd. The intelligence agent stared back without a hint of shame.

"I'd heard of some cadets actually trying that. They said some lunatic did it once before-That was you?!" Harry hissed in shock. Shepherd shrugged.

"Hey, it was original enough I got high marks, but it was crazy enough they didn't shove me into the command track. I call it a win." Shepherd grinned at Harry. "So! What did you do for your Kobayashi Maru simulation?"

"Um," Harry began, "I actually tried a deflector pulse from my ship to jam their sensors and then disable their shields with tachyon bursts. It let me last longer in the fight to get the Maru out of there but I still died."

Shepherd nodded.

"Oh," he said, with a sincere smile, "that's cool too."

Because pulling a Kirk isn't really pulling a Kirk...