Uninspired Voyages

A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation et al are the property of CBS Television, Para creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Janeway was fine with numerous efforts to make living on Voyager easier. Talent shows, parties, competitions: She was open to pretty much anything and everything.

This though was a bit unusual, even for her.

"Watching a movie?" Janeway asked, raising an eyebrow as Shepherd, Neelix and a few other crewmembers were arranging chairs in the messhall. Shepherd grinned brightly.

"Why not? Watching movies is something the crew of the United Earth Space Probe Agency did on long voyages," he said, "and the United Earth Space Navy! Or Spacy."

"Spacy?" Janeway deadpanned. "I know it was called that sometimes but it's a very archaic bit of slang."

"Starfleet Intelligence," Shepherd said with a shrug, "and the movie night lets us all share in the experience but also be kind of separated from it. Which makes it easier to comment on it."

"I thought you weren't supposed to talk during a movie," Janeway replied wryly. Shepherd grinned.

"Ah, that's a misconception. Indeed, Captain, talking is encouraged for tonight's movie."

"It's a practice Talaxians have, too!" Neelix called back, "the art of the fraz'terinix!"

"Or, roughly translated, 'riffing,'" Shepherd explained.

Janeway's eyebrows rose in confusion.

"Riffing?"

Some hours later, Janeway understood the term perfectly, as the horrific holonovel played out on the screen in front of the crew.

"So she causes a war between the Klingons and the Federation, leads a mutiny, and she... Gets appointed first officer?" Paris asked in disbelief. "Are you serious?!"

"A faster than light drive based on mushrooms?!" B'Elanna snarked, chowing down on targ nachos, "at least we know where these hacks came up with this series!"

"I don't know anything about the warp drive and even I know that's insane," Kes said, on Tom's other side sharing the nachos.

"Michelle Burnham is rolling in her grave right now," Chakotay grumbled. He was, after all, fairly well versed in Starfleet history.

"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TAKE DOWN A KLINGON!" Biessman shouted, as the holoactress seemed to defeat a Klingon twice her size without any effort. "WHO COORDINATED THESE STUNTS?!"

"I bet the stunt coordinator used a cheap Ferengi exploitation director," Laird snarked, "one high on beetle snuff. How else can you explain all these weird angles?"

"And close up shots," Harry added.

"Admiral Georgiou did not die, nor was she replaced by a double from the Mirror Universe," Tuvok observed, "this discontinuity is completely ridiculous."

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Neelix laughed, slapping Tuvok on the shoulder, "discontinuity! That's great, Mister Vulcan!"

"I was not making a joke, but an observation," Tuvok said, looking slightly disturbed by the slap. Neelix winked.

"You're too modest, Mister Vulcan!"

"Weren't we in a story about the Klingon War? Or a Klingon War?" Harry Kim quipped, "why are we now in the Mirror Universe?"

"You know, when they said they'd make this dark and edgy, I didn't think they'd make it darker literally," Paris deadpanned.

"Are the main characters supposed to be completely unlikable in every way? Or was that a bonus for the producers?" The EMH observed wryly.

"This is your idea of a good time?" Janeway asked Shepherd softly, who was sitting next to her. Shepherd shrugged.

"Aren't you enjoying yourself?"

Janeway hummed, and looked up at the screen. She sighed heavily at another monologue by the actress playing "Michael" Burnham.

"I suppose so," she admitted. "You say some frozen 21st century people came up with this 'reinterpretation of historic events'?"

"Yes ma'am," Shepherd said with a nod.

"The program says it won 'Best Comedy' at the Farbaz Comedy Program Awards on Tellar Prime," she observed, checking her PADD. Shepherd nodded.

"The best part? It's meant to be a serious drama," he said. Janeway chuckled.

"So we're basically enjoying their failure?"

"In essence," Shepherd said, "and bonding as a result."

Janeway hummed, and shrugged, She looked at the screen.

"Is this nudity and sexual content supposed to be important?" She asked.

"All it's established is that boobs exist," he replied. Janeway nodded.

"We know: They're the ones who wrote this."

Shepherd laughed.

"Now you're getting it!"

Because Discovery still sucks.