An Imperfect Doll

by lossehelin

Kenshin finds himself stuck with a homeless young woman after she follows him through town. The more he learns about her, the more he realizes that she is unusually foreign and yet familiar in a world now ruled by demons. Will he be able to accept what he has hated since childhood, or will he continue the cycle of hatred?

105. Chapter One Hundred Five

Chapter One Hundred Five

Spray from the waterfall peppered Kenshin's face as he sat in deep contemplation upon a large rock next to the pool at the bottom. Upon contact with his skin, the water sizzled and popped, and sounded like angry grease in the frying pans at the restaurant. Briefly he wondered if he had a job there anymore. He would like to still work there, to go back to the way his life had been only weeks before. So much had changed in that short amount of time, though, outside of him as well as inside.

Holding up a bandaged hand and stretching his fingers, Kenshin stared at the wrapped appendages as if they were not his own. Dragon claws were a notoriously dangerous part of any encounter with a dragon. They inflicted not just external physical damage, but semi to permanent internal damage as well. Currently, Kenshin had no nails at all, but he could feel them. They clawed at him from the inside, as if tearing at a thin layer of shedding skin his body was fighting to be free of. The tip of each finger and toe pulsated with an aching pain, but he was more fascinated by the sensation than truly afflicted.

Kaoru had said to him only a few nights before that there was something different about him. He had not known what she had meant at the time, as he had not felt any different than usual. He felt it now. Something was very different. He felt unlike himself, while at the same time closer to what he was meant to be. It was confusing, made even more so by the fact that he was alive at all.

It frightened him that he had not felt or noticed the moment his core had shattered. His core was the very center of his being. Without it, he could not survive, which was why overusing his power while it was damaged had caused such a problem during the war. It was why Sano had used his own body to cover the wound in the shell surrounding his core. If blood from his core continued to leak out unchecked, he would eventually die. Kenshin had always thought of his core as a bubble or a balloon, with a semi-solid shell and a gaseous interior. If the shell were to burst, then there would be nothing to protect or contain his life essence. Why… how was it possible for him to still be living with a core that no longer had a solid barrier at all? He should be dead, but instead he felt stronger than before.

That was not to say he did not feel the effects of forcing a failed transition. While stronger, his core was also unstable. It was, after all, still damaged as well as missing the piece he had unintentionally left in Kaoru's soul. There was additionally the immense backlash he had suffered from the failed assimilation of power. Though he had done so, or perhaps because he had tried to transition without actually meaning to, he had not been in complete control. That coupled with his damaged core had resulted in the untamed power shredding his body and unleashing itself upon his surroundings. That failure had caused him permanent injury. It was too early to tell how that permanence would manifest, but Kenshin suspected it had at least shortened his lifespan.

For the time being, Kenshin was only going to focus on how this new strength could be a benefit, even if that strength only lasted for a short time. Rather, especially if that strength was only short-lived. It offered him an opportunity. At the least, it offered him hope when he had lost all the hope he had. Lowering his hand to his lap, violet irises of shifting flame focused on the katana in front of him.

Drove deep into the rock, the Kagu-tsuchi stood vertically and separately from him. The physical katana form of the Kagu-tsuchi was silent, just as the entity he carried inside of him and was meant to protect had remained silent for the last three days and nights. The higher being had accepted his decision, thereby accepting his own eventual demise, but Kenshin did not feel victorious. If anything, he felt more conflicted than before.

There was a reason the katana form was currently separate. As Kenshin knew, the katana was not the true or even main body of the Kagu-tsuchi. The katana was only a form the Kagu-tsuchi took to aid his vessels in battle. To create the katana as a physical weapon in the living plane, the Kagu-tsuchi manifested a portion of his power outside of Kenshin's body, effectively separating that power from its main source. Manifesting the katana lessened the strain placed on Kenshin's core. For centuries now, it had become second nature for him to keep the Kagu-tsuchi contained and safe from the outside world. After forcing his transition, through blind rage and desperation, his core had become more like a volatile gas giant that was not large or stable enough to become a star. As a result, he had struggled tangibly to contain the Kagu-tsuchi while also trying to rebuild his control over the unstable firestorm that was now the center of his being.

Separating the katana had made that struggle easier, but it meant that he could not touch or hold the katana either. Not doing so left it exposed, and, as a result, left him feeling exposed. His father had entrusted the Kagu-tsuchi to him, and for a long time, the katana form of the higher being had been how Kenshin had perceived him. Kenshin could still hear his father's voice explaining the significance of the Kagu-tsuchi, teaching him how to contain it, and warning him to never let another see or try to touch it. Only a direct descendant of their bloodline could be vessel to the Kagu-tsuchi, because only they could contain its power. That also meant that only they could wield the katana form. It was more than that, though. The Kagu-tsuchi chose who he allowed to be his vessel, even a temporary one. Anyone else he consumed in star fire.

The Kagu-tsuchi had chosen him, immediately, at the young age of fourteen.

A deep pain ached in his chest, and red eyebrows furrowed. All he had ever wanted was to live up to his father. To be as great of a fire demon, as great of a fire dragon, as he had been. Over and over, he had done nothing but fail. This time, it seemed, was no different. This time it was worse, as he had tried to betray his entire bloodline and had ignored the effect his actions would ultimately cause to the entire world and to himself. Just as he had done once before, when his grief-stricken actions had helped start a war with the humans.

That time, he had killed Kaoru by accident. This time, he had killed Sano.

As soon as the knowledge had sunk in, as soon as he had acknowledged that his reckless actions had resulted in the death of a man that had done nothing but show him kindness, Kenshin had awoken to the truth of the path he had set himself down. Sano had saved his life, by sacrificing his own for the last two hundred years. This time was different than when he had originally thought Sano's death to be his fault, though. This time, there was a level of premeditation. This time, Kenshin had caused it maliciously, even if it was unconsciously, because this time Kenshin had drowned his reason behind selfish indifference.

Immediately afterwards, he had returned to consciousness only to find he had also set Neo-Kyoto on fire, effectively harming innocent people, and feeding the already damning rumor that fire demons were ill-omens and bad luck. The instant shame and grief following his actions had overwhelmed him. They still overwhelmed him. Could he truly do the same to the entire world? Could he condemn every living thing on Earth? How would he be any different than the higher being he had accused of being selfish when that higher being had condemned only one innocent life and Kenshin meant to sacrifice them all?

A part of him knew he did not have it in him. Not anymore. Hatred had driven his hand in the genocide of humans. He had no hate for the entire world.

The truth was, after learning what he was expected to do, he had felt betrayed. Betrayed by a being he had committed his life to protecting. He had always known the Kagu-tsuchi to be neutral, but he had assumed the higher being to be of a good nature. Learning how that higher being meant to take what he loved away, without a show of remorse, had turned his devotion to a moment of hate. Hatred mixed with desperation had convinced him that he could force the Kagu-tsuchi to save Kaoru, either personally or by telling him how. Despite their battle, though, despite his ferocity of attacks, Kenshin had slowly realized that he did not truly hate the Kagu-tsuchi. He could not truly hate the Kagu-tsuchi. If anything, fighting him had felt more like lashing out at a parent, because not once had the Kagu-tsuchi returned his attacks in earnest. All the damage Kenshin had suffered had been self-inflicted. It was one moment, though, one very small moment that had stood out to him, and it had eased all the betrayal from his heart.

"I cannot save her."

At first, Kenshin had heard only that Kaoru would die no matter what he did, and despair had blinded him where rage gave out. The more Kenshin turned the memory over in his mind, though, the less like an omnipotent higher being the Kagu-tsuchi had sounded. While Kenshin had felt like a child fighting a parent, during that one singular moment, the Kagu-tsuchi had somehow sounded like the child; lost, vulnerable, and heartbroken. It was a confusing juxtaposition, and felt more as if the Kagu-tsuchi had been caught off guard or even overwhelmed by an emotion that he had not expected to manifest. Which made Kenshin wonder, how interconnected was the Kagu-tsuchi to his perfect vessel? If the vessel had claimed his true name was Kagu-tsuchi, did that mean they were one and the same? Or were they two halves of one whole? If so, did that mean the emotion the Kagu-tsuchi had experienced was not his… but his vessel's?

Standing, and though it still felt unnatural, Kenshin left the Kagu-tsuchi where it was, buried in the rock. Hiko had erected another barrier over the mountain to allow him peace of mind while he recovered, so there was no threat of it being touched by another. It was nighttime, and the cold mountain was quiet in the dead of winter, making his passage through what was left of the forest eerie and isolating. Much of the trees had been eaten by the lava he had caused, and there were now swaths of solid igneous rock rivers down the face of the mountain. Luckily, the cottage had escaped being damaged, but only because of the much tighter barrier Hiko had erected there just days prior. Inside the cottage, Kenshin found the girls asleep, but the master was nowhere to be seen. Kneeling slowly next to Kaoru, Kenshin stared at the center of her chest, his shifting violet irises careful of every detail.

Though incomplete, he had attained a certain level of higher power. Enough so that he could now clearly see the golden glow radiating out from the center of Kaoru's soul. What was even more amazing, was he could also clearly see Kaoru's soul surrounding it. It was a beautiful blue that encased the gold, like a fragile orb or crystal cradling the priceless light within. In his mind's eye, an image of her standing atop the water dragon's head floated to the forefront of his memories, and he remembered witnessing that golden glow then. She had smiled at him with so much love and with such relief, her bloodied hand reaching out to him in acceptance, and that almost exquisitely delicate mix of gold shielded by blue had pulsated at him warmly.

Like a family welcoming him home.

Flattening one bandaged hand to her sternum, Kenshin inhaled shakily. He had the power and knowledge to either end that golden glow, or allow it to keep growing. If left alone, it would undoubtedly get stronger, and stronger, until it would eventually burst that perfect blue orb of Kaoru's soul and kill them both. If extracted by the blade of the Kagu-tsuchi, only Kaoru would die. If he ended that golden glow now and the Kagu-tsuchi had no vessel to enter… everyone in the world would die; eventually, at the same moment that his life ended. He would have Kaoru for as long as he remained living, but if she ever discovered what fate the world would suffer as a result, he knew that she would never forgive him. She would never forgive him for ending the life of what she had already accepted as 'their' child. Kaoru valued life the way everyone was meant to, and would not appreciate being the cause for the world's ruin or their child's end.

Everything was pushing him in the direction of her death, but Kenshin could not contain or refuse the fierce denial that filled him at the thought. Killing her the first time, even accidentally, had kept him awake most nights since learning the truth. How could he be expected to do it again? Not now. Not when he loved her so fiercely that he could not even recall what his life was like before her.

And yet… he was hesitating to go forward with the most reliable way he had found to keep her alive. Instead, his mind had begun to focus on something else the Kagu-tsuchi had said during their battle. Though said as proof that Kaoru could not be saved, the Kagu-tsuchi had confirmed that it in fact could be done. Someone before him had mastered the Kagu-tsuchi's power, and it had been a temporary vessel, like him. Not the Kagu-tsuchi's perfect vessel. An imperfect vessel. Like him. It was a long-shot, and quite possibly unattainable, but he would make it attainable. For her.

Fitfully, Kaoru's features scrunched, and her body wriggled under his open palm. Though she could have simply been suffering a nightmare, it appeared to him as if she were fighting off sleep for fear of what he meant to do. She had every right to be afraid. After all, their last conversation would have convinced her of his decision, and of his desire to end the life they had unknowingly created. She had every right to fear him, but that also meant she did not trust him. That too was his fault, and it was painful to realize he had broken that trust. Pulling his hand away, he retreated quickly from the house for fear of waking her. He had too much to work out first before they could discuss moving forward.

"The girl's been hounding me to see you." Caught on the veranda, Kenshin glanced at Hiko with shadowed features. "She's not going to buy many more excuses about your recovery still being delicate."

Though it sounded counterproductive to treat a fire demon with water, Kenshin had learned that, strangely enough, being submerged in the waterfall pool had saved his life. Water provided a physical but pliant barrier that had forced but also helped him to focus. That coupled with Hiko's moderate healing abilities had provided enough assistance to close his wounds. Since his emergency treatment, he had started a sort of water therapy wherein he sat in the water and used it to help him visualize rebuilding his core. At first, he had started out simply lying in the waterfall pool for hours. Now, he had graduated to sitting underneath the waterfall. Throughout it all, Kenshin had asked Hiko to keep Kaoru away.

His wounds were still visible, but at least he no longer felt as if his body would fall apart like brittle glass. The pain was still there, and if Hiko was to be believed, it would always be there. Pain was nothing new to Kenshin, but it required a constant level of focus just to keep it from devouring him completely. The crossed wound on his cheek, while lighter, had permanently deformed the shell of his ear and had left a shaven patch in a sideways V on his scalp. The internal wound bled constantly now. How could it not when the shield that had contained his core had shattered? Despite that, Kenshin had quickly found that he was not losing any of the blood. At least, not anymore.

It had something to do with how his core had expanded during his incomplete transition. Instead of a solid barrier, like the egg shell he had once likened the outer casing of his core to, there was now a dense whirlwind of flames. It was not hard or concrete, but it was in constant motion. Blood from his core leaked out, due to the damage once inflicted upon it and the absence of the piece he had lost, but that blood never actually left the core. The whirlwind gathered up every drop and even recycled some of the blood back into his core where it belonged. It was not perfect, however, and was still quite dangerous as he lost a lot of blood that was consumed by the whirlwind itself. It was why Kenshin knew that what he had done had shortened his lifespan considerably. So much so, that he would never live as long as Kaoru's body could survive. Not as the incomplete disaster that he was.

"Then tell her the truth. I don't want to see her."

A protracted pause hung in the air as Kenshin stepped back off the veranda, and then a huff called him on his lie.

"If that were the truth, you wouldn't be here right now." Sighing, Hiko waved a hand. "I'll see what I can do, but be careful, boy. The heart is a lot more fragile than you think. Don't break hers… or your own."

A brief pause stalled Kenshin's retreat, but he said nothing in return for the words of wisdom. Trying to save them both from heartbreak was turning out to be a lot harder than he had ever imagined.

The waterfall was freezing, but his body was searingly hot. The combination created a dense fog that spread out across the pool as Kenshin sat underneath the pounding weight of the falls. It hurt and was uncomfortable, but Kenshin barely felt the pain. It was just another part of him now, as Hiko had said. Wasting time by allowing the pain to win would merely rob him of the time he had left to utilize his strength. Eventually, his body would not be able to tolerate any of his power, and he would be crippled for the rest of his shortened life. While he still could, he knew he needed to use his power to do what must be done. It was trying to figure out exactly what that was that was taking too much time.

By focusing, Kenshin had discovered that he was capable of accessing his core at will now. As the sound of the waterfall disappeared, he found himself standing within the maelstrom of violet-colored flames instead, the roar and thrum of the blaze like a pulsating heartbeat. For a second, dense violet irises flicked around the interior, but the charred remains of the large rooster-like bird had long since vanished. Kenshin had tried to protect the remains, though he could not say for what reason. Despite his efforts, though, Sano's body had turned to ash, and had been swept up into the swirling whirlwind that now encased his core. If he looked closer, the sparkle of those ashes shimmered through his flames like stardust.

At the center, the Kagu-tsuchi resided. No longer was he represented by the katana form, but neither was he the blinding visage of white flames that Kenshin had battled. Instead, he was an empty void, a black night sky filled with thousands of stars. Though his form appeared to be standing, the higher being was unmoving and did not react to Kenshin's presence. Lowering his head, Kenshin closed his eyes. They needed to talk, but Kenshin was finding it difficult to communicate with him. Difficult, because he was also ashamed of what he had said and done to that which he was meant to protect.

The conception of the Kagu-tsuchi's perfect vessel should have been cause for celebration, but Kenshin's happiness had been tainted, and it was all because he loved Kaoru.

Maybe… maybe Father was right to never introduce us. If this was how everything was meant to be, would it have been better if I had never known her?

If she had been a stranger, he would have followed the direction of the Kagu-tsuchi without question. Killing someone already dead was a mercy, right? Removing the vessel from her soul before it completely destroyed her was a mercy, right? Without a soul, she would not be able to rest in the afterlife. She would not be reunited with her family. She would simply cease to be. As mother to the Kagu-tsuchi, she deserved special treatment, even in the afterlife. He would have seen it as saving her soul, not taking her life. Nothing would have been different, only his perspective.

Except… not meeting her would have meant the vessel inside of her would have killed them both.

Kenshin lifted his chin, and his forehead creased deeply.

What if she had remained in Death's Veil? What if she had never been revived? What then?

A sense of danger yanked him away from the vision of his core, and Kenshin's red lashes snapped open to the water running heavily down his face. As his awareness expanded, he caught movement near the lip of the waterfall pool. Alert, Kenshin automatically came up on one knee to find Kaoru standing next to the katana form of the Kagu-tsuchi. Her hand was reaching towards it, her sapphire eyes curious, and he shouted at her at the same time her hand wrapped around the hilt.

"NO!"

No one could touch the Kagu-tsuchi. No one but him.

Shooting from the waterfall like a geyser, Kenshin caught Kaoru's form when it went limp, his own hand closing around the hilt of the Kagu-tsuchi to pull it from her grasp. Seamlessly, without a sound or sensation, the instant Kenshin's hand touched the katana he found himself transported somewhere else. Somewhere green. It was not gut-wrenching, but rather like their background had changed with the flick of a switch. Sucking in a sharp breath through his nose, Kenshin lifted his empty hand to find the Kagu-tsuchi gone. Kaoru's limp body, however, still leaned heavily into the crook of his left elbow.

Adjusting his bent legs under him, Kenshin looked around quickly to gather his bearings, his instinct still to protect. The world he found them in was… strange and foreign. It was warm, like summer, and the ground was carpeted in lush grass for as far as the eye could see. The colors were almost too saturated, like a painting and not reality. A quick look overhead found the sun shining down upon them, but it was so large that it covered nearly three quarters of the sky. Golden arches of plasma rolled across its surface, and it was so close that Kenshin felt as if he could touch it.

What is this place?

"Papa!"

A childish shriek of such excitement cut through the soft atmosphere, and Kenshin jerked his head to look behind him. Sprinting across the grass towards him was a young boy, his red hair a streak of fire around his head. Every muscle in Kenshin's body went limp in disbelief, and his knees touched the grass at the same time his arms deposited Kaoru's body into a patch of wildflowers. Inside his chest, something clenched hard enough to steal his breath. Halfway to him, the little boy tripped, and he fell flat onto his face with an oomph. Concern rolled over that tightness in Kenshin's heart, and his free hand lifted to reach for the boy on its own, almost instinctively. Barely a second later, the little boy bounced back to his feet, his features grinning happily as if nothing had happened at all… the same way he had seen Kaoru do several times before.

"Papa! Did you come to play with me?"

Small hands slammed his tiny weight against Kenshin's elbow as the boy's headlong progress was halted a bit haphazardly, but Kenshin had no breath to answer his question. His wide violet eyes could only stare into the deep blue of the child's own irises. They were so blue. Blue and beautiful and perfect… like his mother's.

"Mama played with me all the time in the Veil." A thought twisted his tiny features, and he stood a little straighter. "Did you come to train me, Papa? I'm ready to learn." Though sweet and high-toned, like a child, his words were almost mature. "Mama said you're the best teacher."

Red brows slammed together, and his insides shredded as Kenji grinned up at him. Not once had Kenshin considered the child in his decisions. Not once had he consciously thought about the child's wellbeing. All of his focus had been on Kaoru and the Kagu-tsuchi, and the importance both of them had in his life. The only way he had thought of the child was as the Kagu-tsuchi's perfect vessel. He had never once thought of him as Kenji… but this little boy had thought of him.

"Mama's the best mama, so Papa's got to be the best papa, too. I know, because Mama told me all about you, Papa. I love Mama a lot." The grin on his face, a grin very reminiscent of Kaoru's, slowly faded as Kenshin remained silent. Contrition saddened the boy's countenance, and his body drooped. "I'm sorry I hurt Mama. I didn't mean to. Are you… mad?"

One shaky hand lifted, and though he hesitated, Kenshin finally rested his palm atop the unruly mess of Kenji's red hair. The somber expression of the boy's face melted away, and he grinned up at him again, this time in soft, innocent happiness. When Kenshin could speak, the crack in his voice was painful.

"I'm not mad. I… I just love your mother… very much. Just like you… Kenji."

Both little hands lifted into the air, and Kenji giggled in delight. "I can't wait to be born! Then I can live with Mama and Papa!"

The second transition from one space to another was much more traumatic than the first, at least for Kenshin. Both Kaoru and Kenji disappeared from his grasp and from his sight, and the emptiness of his arms hollowed out his heart. His body jerked, his arms reached as if to gather them close, and the breath in his lungs now labored in their absence. Standing, his posture unconsciously aggressive, he froze to find himself once more face-to-face with the visage of the Kagu-tsuchi. He had retained his void-like form pierced with bursts of starlight, but they were not inside Kenshin's core. They appeared to be inside of the large sun that Kenshin had seen in the sky overhead, as confirmed by a glance downward at the grass-covered ground far below.

"I APOLOGIZE. I DID NOT INTEND FOR YOU TO MEET HIM." For the first time in three days, the Kagu-tsuchi spoke to him, and there was honest regret in his soothingly powerful voice. "YOU HAVE MADE YOUR DECISION, AND I HAVE ACCEPTED IT."

Swallowing, Kenshin forced himself to relax his guarded stance, but his face reflected his deep confliction.

"Where are they? Kaoru, she… she touched the katana before I could stop her."

"SHE IS UNHARMED. I AM SPEAKING TO HER NOW."

"W-what?"

One arm lifted away from the Kagu-tsuchi, and a shimmering, vertical barrier appeared behind him. Like a mirror, it reflected the back of the Kagu-tsuchi, and in front of that mirror-image was Kaoru.

"SHE UNKNOWINGLY BRIDGED A CONNECTION WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY WEAPON FORM. YOU WERE CAUGHT IN THAT CONNECTION WHEN YOU TRIED TO STOP HER, AND SHE BROUGHT YOU HERE BY ACCIDENT."

Another glance below brought a playground to his attention, and his eyes tracked a small figure walking slowly back to it alone.

"Where is here? This isn't my core."

"NO. THIS IS MY VESSEL'S CORE."

Stricken, Kenshin blinked, and his eyes shot back to the Kagu-tsuchi.

"How is that possible? It has no visible edge?"

Due to the void-like form the higher being had taken, he had no facial features to read, and appeared enigmatic.

"THE POWER MY PERFECT VESSEL WILL… WOULD WIELD IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. IT IS FULLY CELESTIAL AND THEREFORE LIMITLESS. HIS CORE WOULD NEED TO MATCH IN ORDER TO CONTAIN IT."

That word again.

"And there was truly no way for your vessel to be created in the living plane?" The biggest flaw in the pattern of events leading up to the conclusion of the Kagu-tsuchi's plan troubled Kenshin greatly. Now that they were talking, even briefly, he wanted to know everything. To help him understand, and to help him plan what to do.

"THERE IS NOT."

"Then to you, Kaoru's death was the perfect opportunity to create your perfect vessel."

An uncomfortable pause settled between them, and Kenshin frowned. This was not the part he had expected the higher being to stall over.

"NO. HER DEATH WAS NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN SO EARLY. IT WAS AN IMPERFECT MOMENT THAT I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO USE."

"What are you saying? You meant for me to kill her later?"

"THAT IS CORRECT. SHE WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE MY MOTHER. I CHOSE HER ON THE SAME DAY YOUR FATHER MET HER. I AM THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM TO GIVE HER YOUR TRUE NAME."