Uninspired Voyages

A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation et al are the property of CBS Television, Para creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Voyager's small flotilla was holding relatively stationary. Shepherd was on the bridge of Voyager herself, standing watch in the captain's chair and trying not to look bored.

"Anything on sensors, Mister Kim?" He asked.

"Sorry sir, nothing," Harry replied, "same as the last four times you asked, sir."

Shepherd sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"Baytart?"

"Just ran through another training sim," Pablo said, the conn officer working dilligently at his station ahead of him. Shepherd leaned forward, and squinted briefly.

"That's Gallaga," Shepherd accused him.

Pablo coughed, and shrugged.

"Still technically a simulator," he said weakly.

Shepherd looked over at Ensign Wildman at the Science station.

"Wildman? How are you doing?"

"Uh..."

Wildman hid her PADD. Shepherd saw the cover of "Raising Half-Human Babies Right" on the PADD.

"Oh, um, just fine sir," Wildman reported, her face flushed, "the astrometrics team is still working on analyzing that strange gravimetric reading we got a few hours ago, and tracing any more potential Iconian Gateways."

Shepherd looked over at Ayala, at the Tactical console. The tall, stoic man shook his head.

"Foster is settling in on the Lillehammer, sir, he said he'd report in when he had something to say," Ayala reported.

"Sounds like him," Shepherd sighed. He leaned back in the captain's chair, and kicked his legs up and down like an impatient child.

"Careful sir," Susan Nicolletti at the Engineering station warned, "you wouldn't want to fall over and lower our opinion of you."

"Thought it couldn't get any lower, Nicolletti," Shepherd said, lying back and staring at her upside-down.

"We could see how low it could go, sir, but it would just be depressing," Nicolletti stated dryly, "sir."

"Well, we agree on that," Shepherd said. There was an alert at Harry's station, and the same at Ayala's. Shepherd immediately sat right up.

"Sir, unknown ship approaching, high warp speed," Ayala reported.

"Hail them," Shepherd ordered, all boredom gone from his voice. Harry hit the communications system, and frowned.

"No response."

Shepherd stood up onto his feet.

"Take the fleet to Yellow Alert, shields up," Shepherd ordered, "Captain to the bridge!"

Janeway came out of her Ready Room, and took her place as Shepherd stepped back.

"Report?"

"Unknown vessel approaching at high warp, not answering our hails Captain," Shepherd reported, completely professional. Janeway frowned.

"Captain! Ah... Something strange," Wildman quickly said, "the energy signature of the ship is... Familiar."

"In what way?" Janeway pressed, giving her a sharp look. She flushed again.

Then she shook her head.

"It looks like the same energy signature from the Caretaker's array."

Janeway's eyebrows rose, and she shared a glance with Shepherd. He crossed his arms over his chest, and looked at the viewscreen.

"They've dropped out of warp," Kim stated.

"Onscreen," Janeway ordered.

A strange vessel, like a miniature version of the Caretaker's array, began to approach them. Four strange wings spread from the central core module, like a metallic flower.

Janeway touched her commbadge.

"Captain to Doctor? How are the Caretaker's remains?" She asked.

"Still active, but not very much so-May I ask why?"

"They're hailing us," Ayala reported.

"Put them on," Janeway agreed.

And an Ocampan man with short black hair appeared on the screen, smiling broadly.

"Captain! It's a pleasure to meet you at last! We've heard so much about you and your fleet!"

"You have?" Janeway asked. The man smiled widely-A bit too widely, for Shepherd's taste.

"I am Lord Tanis, of the Ocampa. And we have much to discuss. But first! We must rescue your crew: Your shuttle, the Thunderbird, is trapped by the Kazon. We must hurry! We will assist you!"

"That... Would be appreciated," Janeway said with a diplomatic smile, "alert the fleet, Harry. Please, give us the coordinates, Lord Tanis."

"Wonderful!" Tanis said, his smile still far too wide, "let's get going! Follow my ship!"

"Certainly, Lord Tanis," Janeway said. The channel closed, as Pablo got to work.

"Did that seem off to you?" Janeway murmured to Shepherd. Shepherd nodded.

"Yup," he muttered.

"I'm worried your paranoia is rubbing off on me, I feel the same way," Janeway muttered.

"Still, the best way to expose a trap is to trip it," Shepherd said brightly, "so there's that."

Janeway kept herself from rolling her eyes, but only through long practice.

"I'm agreeing with that too. God help us."

"He probably is, if only to see how it all turns out," Shepherd said, now grinning happily.

"Fleet reports ready, Captain," Harry spoke up.

"Pablo? Engage," Janeway ordered, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice.

We're back. And another mini-episode omake for your enjoyment:

Janeway frowned as she looked over the itinerary for that day, and looked up at Tuvok and Shepherd.

Janeway: "Evacuation drill?"

Shepherd: "We're a little overdue, and with the new Ocampans, we thought it would be good to keep everyone in practice."

Janeway: "Fair enough. So... When does it start?"

Shepherd and Tuvok nod to eachother. Shepherd hits a button on the desk. Alert klaxons begin screaming, as the red alert lights begin flashing.

Chakotay: "... Where the hell are we? Paris?"

Tom: "Hm?"

Computer: "Thank you for pushing the self destruct button. This ship will self destruct in exactly three minutes, forty five seconds."

Janeway: "... You can't be serious."

Shepherd: "Very!" Press his commbadge "This is Security Chief Shepherd to all hands! Abandon ship! I repeat, all hands, abandon ship! Close down the circus! Evacuate the zoo! Self destruct mechanism has been activated, abandon ship!"

Janeway: "SHEPHERD!"

Tuvok: "Actually Captain, this was my idea, based upon your usage of the self destruct system."

Janeway: "It was hardly my fault it happened by accident once!"

Shepherd: "You have to admit, it's a hell of a motivator. Anyway, shall we?"

Afterwards...

Janeway: "Computer? Time?"

Computer: "Complete evacuation done in two minutes, thirty four seconds. This ship will self destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to press the cancellation button."

Janeway: "We have a cancellation button?!"

Shepherd: "Yeah! I mean, after all the times Captain Picard activated the self destruct on the Enterprise-

Janeway: "Nevermind! Where is it?"

Shepherd opens up a panel next to the captain's chair.

Shepherd: "There you go!"

Janeway: "Ahem... Shepherd?"

Shepherd: "Yes Captain?"

Janeway holds up a note from the self destruct cancellation button... That reads...

Shepherd: "Out of order?! Fuck! Even in the future, nothing works!"

Janeway: "SHEPHERD!"

Shepherd: "Oh come on, Captain! I wouldn't actually set the ship to self destruct for a drill...! Probably...!"

Computer: "Ten... Nine... Eight... Six-"

Chakotay: "Six?! What happened to seven?!"

Computer: "Just kidding~! Five... Four... Three... Two... One... Have a nice day~!"

Tom: wince "Thank you?!"

A small explosive went off, dropping candies and coffee onto the bridge from a pinata.

Janeway: "... Do you really think I'm not going to be pissed just because you gave me some coffee?"

Shepherd: "... It was a hope?"

Janeway: "Well you're wrong! I'm going to go drink my coffee... While you do the crew evaluations of the drill!"

Shepherd: "Ma'am, you always have me do the evaluations of drills."

Janeway: "Of course I know that! Everyone knows that!"

Shepherd: "OF COURSE WE DO, MA'AM!"

Obvious inspiration is obvious: Spaceballs!