Uninspired Voyages

A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation et al are the property of CBS Television, Para creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Thunderbird

Having a Kazon carrier right on their tail wasn't something that made anyone optimistic. But Harren grasped for anything he could given their dire situation.

"Oh, at least we're finally leaving this gigantic planetary shooting gallery," he said, as the planetoids thinned. They took another hit to the aft quarter, and the ship shook furiously.

"That optimism is really helpful right now, Harren," B'Elanna growled.

"Would you prefer me saying we're all gonna die?! Because we probably are!" Harren shouted.

Kes looked up, and smiled.

"We're not going to die," she said happily. A sensor alert went off on Tom's console. He looked down and grinned.

"Damn straight!"

Outside, long range torpedo fire struck the Kazon carrier and blew it apart. Its escorting raiders fled in terror, as Voyager, Lillehammer, Equinox, Trager, and an unknown ship picked them off with phaser and disruptor fire.

Tom sighed and leaned back. He hit the communications panel.

"Thunderbird to Voyager-Thanks for the save!"

"You can thank our new friends, Tom," Janeway said, "fellow Ocampans."

Kes' eyebrows rose, as did Tom's.

"Oh really?" Tom asked.

"Yes, it was very convenient," Janeway deadpanned. Kes could pick up her distrust, even as her sarcasm revealed it.

"They're hailing us," B'Elanna stated. "Well, more specifically, Kes."

"Me?" Kes said. But already... She could feel someone pushing against her mind.

Inquisitive... And hard.

"You want to answer?" Tom asked.

Kes sucked in a deep breath.

"All right... I will," she said.

The viewing screen activated, and the smuggest Ocampan male Kes had ever seen appeared.

"Hello Kes, I am Tanis. It's a pleasure to finally meet you," he said, "we can't wait to bring you into our family."

Kes managed a smile back. She kept her defenses up, projecting warmth, innocence... And not suspecting a thing about the probes to her mind.

"I'm glad to meet you, Tanis," she said, "it's a pleasure to meet more Ocampans. How did you come to find us?"

"For that," Tanis said, his smirk sharper, "you'll have to meet our benefactor: Suspiria. The mate of the Caretaker."

Kes's defenses faltered a bit at that. The mate of the Caretaker?!

But she then felt foreign Ocampans trying to push into her mind... And she pushed back, hard.

She unleashed everything she had...!

USS Voyager

"Remaining Kazon vessels are withdrawing, Captain," Shepherd reported, still standing at the tactical station, "except... That one... And that one..."

He blasted another Raider. And another. Piercing right through their pathetic attempts for shields.

Finally, enough Raiders decided that dying by suicide was a stupid idea, and they turned and ran for it.

"Let them go," Janeway ordered, "we have a lot more pressing matters to attend to. Mister Shepherd?"

Shepherd twitched. He twitched again. His eyes crossed and twitched.

Janeway frowned.

"Mister Shepherd? Are you-?"

"GAAHHHHHHHH!"

He fell down to the deck, shaking and twisting like he was having a seizure. Harry immediately went over to hold him down. Janeway tapped her commbadge.

"Medical emergency on the bridge! Doctor, get up here!" She turned and glared at the new Ocampan nurse-Oleg, was it? "You! Help him!"

Oleg, who had been gaping stupidly at Shepherd, started and ran over. He opened his medkit and went to work, scanning him.

"What the...? That's weird... His mind is... His mental signature is... Different," Oleg muttered.

Shepherd calmed down. He then blinked, his face becoming blank and emotionless.

"... Captain Janeway?" He asked, in a soft tone totally unlike his usual.

Janeway blinked.

"Shepherd? Are you all right?"

Shepherd blinked again, and slowly sat up, looking around.

"Hm... So this is Voyager," Shepherd said again, "in far better shape than I expected. Still, I am glad."

"Lieutenant?" Janeway demanded. Shepherd turned his eyes to Janeway, and blinked.

"Ah. My apologies, Captain. I am Doctor Arul Shepherd: Shepherd's wife."

A collective silence fell over the bridge.

"... Bullshit!" Harry shouted.

"Harry!" Samantha Wildman shouted, "language!"

"Naomi's not even here!" He complained.

Back in the Alpha Quadrant... Sort of...

Miles O'Brien blinked. He'd seen many a strange thing as a Starfleet officer but this was... Pretty freaky.

Doctor Arul was aboard the Defiant as they went to investigate the Jem'Hadar attack on Deep Space Nine. Usually, the short, curvy Vulcan was the picture of professionalism.

Aside from moments when she mooned over her children or her lost husband.

Now though... She was fondling herself with a perverted grin and giggling.

"Heheheheh... Oh... Wow... They feel just as good from this side..."

"Uh, Doc? You all right?" O'Brien tried.

Arul turned, blushed, and coughed.

"Oh, hey Uncle Miles! You're looking good!"

"Uncle wha-?"

The door to the infirmary opened. Chief Shepherd and his wife, Doctor Shepherd, walked in. Arul brightened.

"Arul," began Chief Shepherd, "are you sure you want to-?"

"DAD! MOM!" Arul cried happily, leaping forward and hugging them both tightly. "It's me! It's Junior!"

A long silence descended over the infirmary. May Shepherd began to cry happily, and hugged Arul.

"Ohhh! My dear boy! Well, sort of-YOU'RE BACK!"

Chief Shepherd sighed, and shook his head.

"It's that kind of day, huh son?"

"You have no idea," 'Arul' said.

"Can you explain what the hell is going on?!" O'Brien demanded.

"It's simple," 'Arul' said quickly, "for some reason, thanks to our telepathic link, I think I switched bodies with my wife. Even across the galaxy! Cool, huh?"

O'Brien sighed.

"I thought I left these kinds of things behind when I left the Enterprise."

"Me too!" Shepherd-As-Arul groaned. May patted 'his' head.

"We all did," May chuckled.

Omake

Shepherd's nightshift on the bridge...

Shepherd: "Sigh... Shepherd to Wildman?"

Wildman: "Sir, I'm not bringing my daughter up to the bridge just because you're bored."

Shepherd: "I wasn't bored last time! Well, not very bored."

Wildman: "You let her fire phasers."

Shepherd: "No, I said she could fire phasers if she was good. You should have seen how her face lit up at that! She might be cool with getting up early to-"

Wildman: "She's asleep after a long day."

Shepherd: "Geez... Fine. So, how was your day?"

Wildman: sigh "Goodnight, Lieutenant."

She shuts off the comm.

Shepherd: "Hmph..."

Harry: Hiccup! Hiccup! Hiccup!

Tom: "Geez Harry, that sounds bad."

Harry: "S-Seriously, they-hic-won't stop-hic-!"

Munroe: "You know, a good scare usually makes them stop."

Harry: "That never works for me."

Susan Nicoletti: "Well, maybe that's because-RAWR!"

Harry: "Hic! No... Like I said, didn't work-hic!"

Shepherd: "Come on Nicoletti, that's an old wive's tale."

Tom: "Yeah, there's no way it could work-HARRY HOLY CRAP WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?!"

Harry: "Seriously! hic! It's not working!"

Seven: "You will die alone, unknown and unmourned in an unmarked grave that will be lost for all eternity, your existence utterly inconsequential."

Harry: "..."

Tom: "..."

Nicoletti: "..."

Munroe: "..."

Shepherd: "Hey! It worked! Good job, Seven! You get a gold star!"

Seven: "Excellent." Looks smugly over at Munroe "I now have ten gold stars to your nine."

Munroe: "Oh yeah, because 'curing hiccups' is totally on the same level as 'saving the ship from invading monsters.'"

Seven: "I have also done that."

Munroe: "Not lately!"

Shepherd: siiiigh "Screw it. Who wants to play Smash Brothers on the viewscreen?"

Tom: "Do we look like teenagers?"

Shepherd: "... Is that a yes?"

Tom: "Yes sir, it is."

Shepherd: "Good."